Saturday, December 20, 2014

Swamp Thing #37

Boo! Hiss! I don't think I want to fuck Lady Weeds anymore. Maybe. Hmm, well, okay. But she'd better not make vacuum cleaner noises while I'm failing to bring her to orgasm.

That reminds me! Are we all using the phrase "Curiosity got the teenaged boy's dick stuck in the jacuzzi vent" instead of "Curiosity killed the cat"? I think it's more realistic because cats might be curious but they're so bad-ass that it rarely ever gets them killed. Perhaps "Gluttony killed the cat" would be more apt? Or "Choking on its toy string while it continued to try to play with it killed the cat"? What about "Sleeping under the blanket and getting sat upon killed the cat"? "The asshole neighbor that doesn't understand cats are free roaming members of the community killed the cat"? "Climbing up into the warm engine of your car killed the cat"? "Contracting feline AIDS killed the cat"?

I should probably stop before I make myself cry!

The first six pages of this issue have been reserved for the birth of Mistress 404, Avatar of Machines. I guess Charles Soule had a lot of scripts to write this month so he probably just sent a note to Jesus Saiz to waste five or six pages on coming up with as graphic a birth scene as he could. And now that that's over, maybe we'll get some of that fantastic Charles Soule conflict where one superhero talks the ear off of another superhero and then the other superhero, instead of punching the first superhero for some reason, actually brings up a counter argument to the first superhero's point. It's crazy. There's never been a superhero comic book like it!

Constantine comes looking for Swamp Thing to discuss (Seriously! Discussion!) the rise of the new kingdom and its Avatar. Constantine enjoys his magic so he can't be too happy that technology is rallying behind a leader, and a vicious one at that. Unless she's viscous! One of those. I wonder if Constantine's going to try to involve Buddy Baker as well. Or has everybody stopped calling him because they're tired of him just turning them down because "you know, guys...I got the family and all"?

Lady Weeds first mission is to think up a cool new name. Like Mistress 404?! Shut up! It is too cool!

First mission failed! Seriously? Rithm?! Machine Queen?! I wonder if Mother Machine is going to be pissed about this whole Machine Kingdom business?

Machine Queen, Agent of Rithm's second mission is to take over one of the other kingdoms. She'll probably save Swamp Thing for last, so she's probably going to go after Buddy or the Fungus Leader.

Swamp Thing asks for Constantine's help because Alec Holland has a death wish, I guess? Don't partner up with that schleprock!

Swamp Thing has dingleberries.

The Machine Queen easily convinces the Mistress of the Grey to give over dominion of the fungus in exchange for a new body and the promise to end Alec Holland. I don't think Buddy or Abigail are going to be that easy to convince. Although Maxine probably wants a new computer and an iPod for Christmas, so maybe if Machine Queen can get Buddy a discount?

The Machine Queen's third mission is to recruit Anton Arcane. Christ! Does that fucker have to be involved in every Swamp Thing story arc?!

So that's what killed the cat! Dick.

Anton Arcane is currently a sniveling wretch and of no use to the Rithm as a leader of their armies. But Anton does have one thing that he thinks might help. He's been dragging it in a huge sack all over Philadelphia as he eats stray animals and digs through dumpsters. It's the corpse of Alec Holland.

Swamp Thing #37 Rating: No change. How did Charles Soule waste six pages on the birth of the Machine Queen and still seem to pack in a full comic book worth of story on the subsequent fourteen pages? Is that even possible? Maybe it's because he left out all of the usual superhero battles. Constantine didn't fight Swamp Thing. Lady Machine didn't fight the Mistress of the Grey. Anton Arcane didn't fight anybody except that cat. It was almost a violence free issue! Except for that cat thing. And the birth scene!

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