Wednesday, December 3, 2014

Futures End #29

Jason Rusch looks totally disgusted with having to merge with a female!

Now I don't know which ex-Firestorm lad is going to merge with Madison Payne! The "Next Time in Futures End" pictures from last issue made it look like Ronnie was terrified of merging with a girl. But now it looks like Jason! Unless it will wind up being Tim Drake! Is that why Tim Drake doesn't exist in the future? Has he become the disembodied head that speaks to Firestorm first popularized by Martin Stein? Then Ronnie and Jason will realize that they can never merge as Firestorm again and they'll have to use the old fashioned butt merging system instead.

On the way to rescue Madison, Tim Drake lets Ronnie Raymond know that they've met before when Firestorm thumbed his nose at an invite to the Teen Titans. Of course he did! Why would Firestorm join the Titans, a rinky-dink organization full of high school drama and constant backbiting, when he could join the Justice League, a big league operation full of high school drama and constant backbiting? Why join the team with the Wanna-be Batman when you can join the team with Real Deal Batman?! Oh wait! I know why! Because joining the Titans gives you more opportunities to get laid!

Jason Rusch makes it to Doctor Yamazake's lab first. He sees Madison in the teleportation tube and yells, "Stop! You can't do this to Ronnie Raymond's beard!" And Madison is all, "Whut? Beard? Fuck. Of course he's gay! Just get it over with and Brundlefly me already." And Doctor Yamazake is all, "I CANNOT BE STOPPED!" or maybe "I'M KING OF THE WORLD!" or possibly "SUCK MY DICK, MOTHERFUCKERS!" Whichever one would sound catchier at the end of a movie trailer.

Oh yeah! Firestorm is going to turn into a three-way! Although that might be a bit awkward for Madison. She'll spend most of her time going, "Um. Hello. Vagina being ignored over here!"

Madison learns that Jason Rusch is Firestorm and she begins to realize that when people keep secrets, it isn't all about her feelings. Or anything about her feelings at all, for that matter. No wait, she doesn't realize that at all. She still thinks that everybody owes her the complete and utter truth about themselves no matter how much they want to leave their past behind them, or how much they're trying to protect the people they're close to, or for whatever fucking reason they have for keeping a secret from her that has nothing to fucking do with her! Now I want Doctor Yamazake to Brundlefly her ass already!

By the power of Gayskull!

It kind of sucks that Firestorm is getting rejiggered here in Futures End (although, how much of this story will become canon anyway? I have a feeling that Madison Payne will become the future Firestorm but how does DC bring that about when this whole Futures End story arc never winds up actually happening? Oh, they'll figure it out in some spectacularly boring and undramatic way, I'm sure!) because I was hoping that Jason and Ronnie would eventually come to terms with their homosexuality and their incredible love and passion for each other. Up until now, Ronnie has been extremely resistant to his true passions because he was raised in the culture of high school football as the star quarterback who was supposed to bang as many cheerleaders as possible. I guess the best we were going to get with Firestorm and a happy ending between Jason and Ronnie took place in The Fury of Firestorm The Nuclear Men #0 where they were married.

No, seriously. Go get your hands on a copy of that issue. They get married. I don't know how that wasn't a huge deal! Was I the only one that wept at their vows?

I know I lie about shit all the time but I'm not lying about the marriage! It happened! It wasn't a hallucination or a wet dream!

I think Ronnie was going to say " fuck" but Firestorm should work too. You know, being a symbol of them fucking.

Great! Now Madison is going to be hurt even more! Ronnie and Jason were both lying to her about being Firestorm and about their sexuality?! Don't they know that by not telling her it hurts her feelings? Jerks.

Goddammit! This actually made me tear up. If you haven't read The Fury of Firestorm The Nuclear Men as a story about two gay youths coming to terms with their sexuality and their love for each other, you might not experience the same emotional impact here.

The teleportation sequence finishes and a huge explosion occurs, Brundleflying everybody in the room. Maybe. I don't know. A Firestorm with boobs flies out of the chaos though! Just like on the cover! So thanks again, cover, for spoiling everything! Hopefully this new version of Firestorm is Madison Payne (well, duh! Obviously since nobody else in the explosion had breasts) with Ronnie and Jason both inside the Slash Fiction Matrix in her mind. She screams "Oh, my Gawwwddddd!" when created and maybe that's less about the feeling of flying and the incredible power surging through her body and more about Jason and Ronnie fucking the fuck out of each other in her brain.


Poor Ronnie. He'll never eat another home cooked dinner of dog's dick with his mom again. Granted, his mom has been dead since the Earth-2 War but I wanted to mention that time he once ate a dog's dick with her. I'm not lying! Pick up The Fury of Firestorm The Nuclear Men #1 and look at the dog's dick he's eating on the page where he's eating a dog's dick! Totally not lying. Maybe I'm poorly interpreting what I'm seeing! But I'm not lying!

Tim enters the ruins of the lab where he finds Ronnie's Brundleflied body. Ronnie dies in Tim's arms having never told Jason Rusch how he truly felt.

Futures End #29 Rating: I can't believe this comic book went one full issue concentrating on one single story! Holy shit! Revolutionary! I don't have plot whiplash today! I also thought it was a good origin story for the new Firestorm. Like I said, I've got a feeling Madison and Jason will be the Firestorm of DC's future no matter how this Futures End comic book gets wedged into DC Continuity. I'll be sad not to have the Ronnie/Jason relationship anymore though. But now Madison can go around lying to people and feeling justified about it and realizing she was a total dick for trying to demand that everybody be completely honest with her no matter what the cost to the other person. How dare people keep secrets!

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