Monday, December 1, 2014

Batman #36

Superman's squishing grapes again?

Superman may like to believe that he'd never knowingly do anybody any harm but he's losing control of his faculties far too often for anybody on Earth to be comfortable. At this point, I think I finally have to side with everybody who fears Superman will become a menace. Because he keeps becoming a menace! He's getting mind controlled and he's getting Doomsday Herpes and he's getting poisoned by The Joker. He really needs to agree to a lead lined tooth containing a shard of Kryptonite which Batman can blow at any moment, shooting the Kryptonite up into Superman's brain and killing him instantly. Because this whole Superman going on a rampage but it isn't his fault shit that keeps going down? Unacceptable!

Speaking of people killing people but evading punishment, remember when Lois Lane helped kill all of those people in the Doomed story? Why hasn't she gone on trial? Why hasn't she paid for being part of that catastrophe?

Last issue, Batman was battling his friends because The Joker put his dick in their potato salad. That's his calling card! Well, that and Joker Gas. You don't often see him put his dick in the potato salad though because DC doesn't have any ratings that allow for on-panel penis pictures. Just imagine a big white cock with the foreskin cut off but stapled back onto it so his peehole is now an exaggerated grimace of its former self. Now imagine The Joker lost his foreskin and The Joker's Daughter is wearing it as a merkin.

Currently The Batman is getting his ass kicked by Superman because no matter how many fanboys say that The Batman can beat Superman, none of them actually believe it. At least, not if it were real. They're all just cynical bastards that know Batman is DC's love child and he'll win every fight forever.

Aren't they heavy?

Scott Snyder writes some good shit when he's equating Gotham City to a cheating spouse and making Batman cry streams of tears all over his suddenly flaccid batcock. But he doesn't write "weapons that will bring down Superman" very well. Or very differently, I guess. I suppose he was sick of Kryptonite everythings to take down Superman, so now Snyder creates Red Sun everythings to bring Clark down. Because didn't General Lane use some kind of Red Sun Bullets against Supes in Superman Unchained? And now these ridiculous Mini-Red Suns that aren't big dense gravitational wells of suck? I suppose Ray Palmer did something so scientific to them that it might as well be magic (but with the added bonus that it doesn't have a detrimental cost to your soul!).

What I'm trying to say is this: I guess Batman can beat Superman if he's going to fucking cheat, the cheater. Mini-red suns! What's Scott Snyder trying to do? Drop Batman's rank beneath Jeff Lemire's Justice League United? Don't think I won't do it, sir!

How the fuck did Batman and Ray Palmer discover the technology in the last five years (giving the benefit of the doubt that they started quite early in their super heroing careers) to travel across the galaxy collecting red suns?! And how did they do it without Superman looking over side-eyed and saying, "Whatcha doin with all them red suns, guys?" And isn't a little irresponsible to leave red sun pods lying around the house where a child or his dog or his cat or his cow could find and eat them because they look like candy? Bruce is lucky Damian didn't die! I mean, in that manner.

But are you prepared for his super fart?

Nobody is prepared for Superman's super fart because nobody but Wonder Woman knows it exists (and she only recently learned of it when he dutch ovened her). Superman always excuses himself from the satellite when he has to pass gas and then aims his ass out of the solar system on the Y axis so it doesn't orbit the movement of the other planets. And every time he does it, some other great civilization light years and millennia away will someday ponder the source of the Great Gamma Ray Expulsions.

Last issue I pointed out that Batman beat Aquaman with gum. Well, guess what?

Guess who's going to get mouth cancer?!

I hope Krypto and Titus fight next!

The Justice League wind up in ARGUS to have the Joker Toxin removed from their systems over the next few days. Boy are they going to be embarrassed when they find out Batman really can beat all of them all by himself! They'll probably blame Aquaman.

While they're recovering, Batman figures he should probably find and stop The Joker as quickly as possible. Will he tell the Bat-family about it? If all this takes place after Batman Eternal, where is Damian? Does the return of Damian story just kind of take place immediately after it finishes and then all the other stories will suddenly begin including Damian?

What if Damian never actually comes back?! What if Batman should finally just say, "Fuck it. I'll just get a new one! I've done it before!" The next time he picks a Robin, he should pick one with super powers! Like invulnerability or immortality!

Since Alfred is still sore from having to appear in a comic book every week as opposed to his usual monthly schedule, his daughter Julia decides to help Batman catch The Joker. I hope he warns her to duck the crowbar.


Batman decides to look for clues and the only place he knows to look for them is in The Joker's old cell in Arkham. Which isn't a pile of rubble, so I guess the building just collapses into a crater and mostly stayed intact. So now it's Arkham Dungeon. The Joker's usual cell is 0801 which Batman notes is the eighth and first letter of the alphabet (let me help you out: HA). I thought it was O BOI! Or Lobo backwards! I guess that's why I'm not the World's Greatest Detective!

Batman has such a hard time finding clues that The Joker...I mean, Eric Border, Night Nurse, comes along to help him find some. And the clue is...Eric Border is the clue! And the mystery! And the solution! Surprise! He's The Joker! And he has a new face somehow!

I hope the fact that he has his old face means he killed The Joker's Daughter! Not that I inherently dislike The Joker's Daughter. But once you steep in Ann Nocenti's stink for long enough, there's just no getting it out.

The Joker tells Batman (who is now paralyzed by Joker Toxins) a really funny punchline but not much of a joke. The punchline is that everybody in Gotham is going to die. Maybe it isn't a joke. The last time I heard that punchline, it was at the end of a riddle.

The back-up story is more of that intellectual stuff that I totally understand. I know it's intellectual because I don't understand it. I mean, I realize other people don't understand it. But not me! No siree! I totally get what's going on and how it all weaves into the main story! So obvious! But it's better that you figure it out for yourself. You'll feel real proud when you finally work it all out. Don't be ashamed if you never do because you're just not as good at reading comic books as I am. But then, who is, really?

Batman #36 Rating: That red sun knuckle thing was almost a disaster! But that Joker stuff was creepy. Plus he has a new face. And Greg Capullo draws a good looking Bruce Wayne. So this book is still one of DC's best even though I hate giving Batman that kind of credit. It goes straight to his stupid bat ears.

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