Thursday, December 11, 2014

Batman Eternal #34

How Shakespearean!

See how I mentioned Shakespeare? That shows that I'm intellectual because I know the name of a guy who wrote stuff that people still like to tell other people they've read even if they've only seen the Mel Gibson version of the movie of the play. Or at least read the synopsis on IMDB.

I think it's time I just start shallowly referencing things instead of giving my opinions on things because I'm all out of opinions! I think I was supposed to kick ass somewhere in that last sentence as well! That's a reference to people on the internet that like to reference They Live!

This issue begins with that confrontation between Hush and Julia which ended last issue. While Julia blows a hole through Hush's shoulder with a grappling hook gun, Hush still manages to shoot her in the kidney, lock her in the cache, and blow it up. I'm not an expert on the biology of comic book characters, but shouldn't a grappling hook blown straight through somebody's shoulder hurt a little bit? Maybe Hush walked away from the scene and then collapsed against a wall screaming, "HOLY FUCKING JESUS FUCKERS!" And then maybe his arm fell off too. And he bled out. And Batman Eternal was over!

Batman rescues Julia who used her S.A.S. training to burrow like a mole down into the sewer tunnels before the explosion went off. Maybe she'll take on the name Batmole.

By the way, what's been happening with Jim Gordon? Did he get a lethal injection while the comic book was following a different plot thread?

Jesus, Bruce. Put it back in your pants. It's not like you just got invited to prom.

Bruce meets up with Hush and Hush mentions that this is the finale! I don't think Hush has much control over his narrative because in no way is this comic book anywhere near over. Spoiler still has to wind up in Catwoman's clutches. Batman needs to have trained two new sidekicks. Selina should have an underground replica of an ancient Egyptian city. Batman needs to be tied to the Batsignal while Gotham burns. There's still an awful lot left that needs to happen, Hush! I think you just blew your load early.

Oh! Maybe this is prom! Let's dance!

At this point, do Batman's batarangs ever need to return to him? I can't remember the last time he's needed them to do anything except fly straight into the bad guy.

Batman beats the crap out of Hush in just a few pages. I'm sure that, Hush being a super villain and all that, getting his ass kicked was just part of his plan! He was probably just distracting Batman while other aspects of his grand scheme fell into place. But before we find out what those aspects were, one more shot from prom.

Nearly an exact transcript from my after prom activities!

While Batman was fighting Hush, Lucius Fox held a press conference to declare that Wayne Enterprises has been taken over by the federal government. Oh no! Is Batman going to have to prove that he can still be Batman without all the money to back him up?! I suppose the worst problem facing Batman right now is that he'll have to lay off Alfred. But more important than Batman losing his corporation is the poorly designed invitation he finds in Hush's coat pocket. It's the same one Jason Bard and others were sent two weeks before James Gordon was framed for crashing a couple of subways together. Which means it's time to celebrate! I knew stupid, boring Hush couldn't be the person behind it all! Bring on the more interesting villains!

Batman Eternal #34 Rating: What does Batman do with Hush now that he's beaten him? The Gotham Police have just been releasing criminals he's been bringing in. Jason Bard is corrupt (although maybe getting less corrupt after Hush killed a bunch of cops). Arkham Asylum has been destroyed. Killing is probably still off the table. So what happens to Hush? I suppose Batman could just lock him in a closet somewhere. Or induce a coma and stick him in the hospital named after his mother. Or maybe he can rent out a space in the Phantom Zone from Superman.

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