Wednesday, December 10, 2014

Futures End #30

Shark! I mean, Despero! I mean, OMAC!

I sometimes wonder, "How come more people aren't reading this blog?" And then I look at how many people are actually reading this blog and I think, "Why the fuck are so many people reading this blog?" Then I get self-conscious and begin thinking about some kind of profound bullshit about which I can wax philosophic that allows me to throw in as many references to the crazy sex I have had throughout my life. I mean, crazy sex. Tons and tons of it. With attractive people even! Most of them human females! But then I think about how often I read the most trite, boring, obvious posts about life that have hundreds of thousands of notes and I think, "So! That's what people find entertaining: loads and loads of crap!" Which brings me back to my first thought: "How come more people aren't reading this blog?"

The main issue with the branding of Eee! Tess Ate Chai Tea (other than the name and the way I arrogantly refer to myself as a 'Grandmaster Comic Book Reader') is that it isn't focused enough. I should probably come up with a better theme than "Scott Lobdell and Ann Nocenti are the worst writers to ever find a job in writing." It's hard to make a living sucking up to people that love to hate other people! I constantly feel like the painting of Jesus hanging over my marital bed is judging me. "Kindness is the key," he seems to whisper as I shove my dick into another sock. "Kindness is overrated!" I grunt back as I flail like a sea lion in the tide of my sheets.

That image of me masturbating is free to use in any of your most low rent, desperate fantasies! Enjoy!

I don't actually have a painting of Jesus over my bed (also my bed is not marital). But my grandparents did! Is that creepy and kind of gross? What were they thinking?!

Lois Lane can't tell that Clark Kent is just Superman with glasses but she looks at Red Tornado and instantly realizes the robot is a version of herself? From where I'm sitting (in Portland in a chair reading this comic book, if you must know), I don't see any resemblance between them at all! Red Tornado might as well be wearing glasses.

Lois Lane did have a vision earlier in this series where she realized a robot that looked like this had been created from her doppelganger, so I actually do understand why she recognizes herself. But understanding the comics as I'm reading them isn't entertaining for anybody! My entire commentary would be, "I am comprehending this story as well as could be expected of somebody that took speech therapy classes through first and second grade and, during that time, thought of his speech therapy teacher (an elderly man) as his best friend."

Green Arrow and his army consisting of Big Barda, Katana, and a bunch of other people that don't need to be mentioned because I already mentioned the two people that will be doing most of the actual fighting storm Cadmus Island only to have their plans wrecked by Hawkcop in about three seconds.

Let me guess: Keith Giffen wrote the dialogue for this page?

The OMACs storm the beach along with a bunch of possessed Twofers. Green Arrow's Plan A was to sneak onto the island and shoot one EMP arrow at Cadmus which would have shut down Brother Eye. When that single arrow that was the entirety of Green Arrow's plan is destroyed by Hawkcop, it's time to move on to Plan B!

I knew it! I knew that was the entire plan all along! That EMP arrow was just a bullshit ploy to make it seem like an archer might possibly be useful! But Ollie knew all along the only person worth a damn in this Arrow Army was Big Barda! And maybe Katana.

Oliver, Red Arrow, and Barda head into the jungle to find a Brother Eye terminal for Barda to punch while the other Outsiders remain on the beach to battle the OMACs which merge into one gigantic OMAC. I don't know if that makes them any more dangerous than they already are as dozens of individual units but I guess it's impressive? Or at least very comic booky?

On their way to disable Brother Eye (or at least break one of his monitors (or unplug a few of his servers (or confront him and then sit and cry and curse the cloud))), Oliver and the others run into Slade Wilson. Usually that would mean they're screwed but then Slade Wilson runs into Mister Miracle and Fury. Pay close attention to the "Fury" part of that sentence.

Finally! Somebody died! Now don't let up, Futures End! Let the bloodbath begin!

Which part of Slade's body houses his healing factor? I bet it's in his spine! And if enough of his spine has been left dangling out of the back of his skull, maybe both halves of Slade Wilson will regenerate!

Ollie? I thought Red Arrow was Connor Hawke? Um, anyway, take care to not get stepped on by the gigantic OMAC on your way to the boats!

I know Green Arrow referred to Red Arrow as his doppelganger earlier in this series but my memory is trying to tell me that Red Arrow was Connor Hawke over in Earth-2. But my memory is a notorious liar.

It turns out Power Girl is guarding Brother Eye. Okay then. Plan B through the rest of the alphabet can probably just go straight in the trash. Unless one of those plans was "Run like fuck." That would be a good plan to use now. Although Green Arrow has one more plan in his quiver: Plan I Always Keep This One Arrow On Hand Just For The Yucks.

Has a computer system ever been designed that actually had a big red off button?

The big red button shuts down everybody on the island except Power Girl because Brother Eye decided she had the best framework for housing his system.

While Big Barda beats the crap out of Power Girl, everybody else escapes the island on their Zodiac. Except Red Tornado. And the OMACs. And a bunch of normal scientists and other workers. Then the island blows up.

Notice how I didn't add Brother Eye to the list of people that didn't escape? He hitches a ride back on Lois Lane's cell phone. She is more trouble than she is worth without Superman to keep an eye on her!

Futures End #30 Rating: Finally somebody died! Two people died! No, three people died! Wait! Holy shit! Four people died: Tornado Lane, Power Girl, Big Barda, and Deathstroke! Hopefully the deaths just keep coming now! Ronnie last issue and now this massacre in this issue? This is more like it!

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