New Guardians #36

Fear or urine? Perhaps both?

Wasn't Kyle Rayner chosen by Ganthet while Rayner was pissing in an alley? Or was that just a weird sex dream I had recently?

Judging by the cover, it doesn't look like Kyle's trip to New Genesis goes very well. Here's how I think this book will go.

Kyle: "Nice planet you have here."
Highfather: "You are a huge puss. Give me the Life Equation."
Kyle: "Chill, dude."
Highfather: "You are less than something that is less than nothing. Give me the Life Equation."
Kyle: "Yo, Carol, let's hit the bricks."
Highfather: "I have tried being polite! Now I must kill you!"
Huge fight breaks out. Just before Kyle almost dies, some New Genesissian whom Highfather once called a ponce saves Kyle and Carol and they escape to the surface of the planet to await the next chapter of Godhead in which they appear.

That's probably way too specific! I should take a page out of Nostradamus's books and be vague and ambiguous when guessing plot points. Now my entire guess will be off the mark and I'll look like one huge fool of a Grandmaster Comic Book Reader!

This is the nice planet part! We should probably end things here and deem my prognostication entirely accurate!

The rest plays out just a tiny bit differently than I had guessed. Highfather practically calls Kyle a puss and Kyle practically tells Highfather to calm down but in such a polite way that you'd probably never realize they were seconds away from tearing each other's throats out. And in just six pages, Highfather and Kyle have worked out a deal.

I'm sure the fight is still to come!

Now that Highfather has the most powerful cockring in the Omniverse (it hurts so much to type that! Why don't I just use Multiverse like everybody at DC was told to do except Scott Lobdell because nobody actually likes talking to him?), he's going to go defeat Darkseid. Too bad all Highfather will find are a bunch of Batarangs and a pool of Darkseid's tears.

After giving up his ring, Kyle listens to how Highfather is going to use it to change Earth, turn it into a trap, and fight the war to end all multiversity wars upon the face of it. That's when Kyle says to Carol, "Was I too hasty? Should I have maybe asked a few more questions? Shouldn't you have stopped me before making this rash decision, being that you're an experienced business woman and I'm just a lowly comic book artist that gets suckered into horrible contracts all the time?"

This is where Highfather calls Kyle a big puss.

See? I think the narrative is going to play out fairly closely to how I predicted it would except for the part about the ring being given up immediately!

This is where Kyle says, "Chill, dude!" and then Highfather declares Kyle is less than nothing! Or however I said it earlier!

Now all they have to do is fight! Except Kyle has no powers, so I guess it will be Carol versus Highfather. That battle will probably only last a panel longer than if it were Kyle against Highfather alone with no powers. Which is why they're going to have to be saved by some New Gods that have issues with Highfather's controlling ways!

Carol's ring runs out after two pages of lots of pink ink. I think the only way to defeat him now is to start fucking so that Highfather goes, "What...what is that?! What are you...stop that! You're ruining the floor! Oh...oh...I'm going to vomit!" Then while Highfather is dry heaving a new universe into existence, Kyle can kick Highfather in the balls and yell, "I learned that move from Steve-O, bitch!" Then he'll get his White Ring back and save the day! And all thanks to Jackass!

Kyle and Carol get BOOM Tubed down to the surface of the planet. So technically they were saved by a New Genesissian, right? And I'm sure Highfather has, at one time in his life when Darkseid tricked him real good, punched himself in the side of the head and said, "You stupid, bloody ponce!" So I was completely and utterly correct in my prediction!

Highfather tests his new Life Equation Power on the planet Muz (Sector 3502! That's the place Von Daggle was hiding!--Knows Useless Stuff Tess!), turning everybody on the planet into Orion wannabes. That's when the Bohemian Guardians feel a disturbance in the Spectrum and realize Kyle fucked up big time.

New Guardians #36 Rating: Why is this book still called New Guardians? That's the only reason the Bohemain Guardians are in it! Otherwise the stupid title makes no sense! I liked it better when Bleez and that Orange Potato and the Nok Nok guy and Saint Sperm Head and all the other ones were forming a team. What will the next incarnation of the "New Guardians" be once Kyle refuses to hang out with hippie bastards at the end of all this? Are Carol and Kyle alone enough to constitute "New Guardians?"