Twat Lobo #3

"With friends like these..." what?! Readers will become fucking bored and this comic book will fail spectacularly?!

Twat Lobo reminds me that I should be putting more effort into my writing. Maybe I should craft actual jokes instead of spewing the kind of nonsense that drama geeks find hilarious. You know those kinds of jokes, right? The ones where somebody says a non sequitor in a passable Groucho Marks voice and everybody loses their shit. And then Mary says, "Mark, you are so funny!" And everybody agrees, "Yes! Yes! Mark is so funny!" Then they all spend the next hour talking about how problematic Timothy has been lately and how they can't stand visiting his Facebook page and seeing that they still have five mutual friends with him. Ugh! Have they not yet heard the story about how Mindy gently called out his mild ableism and he got upset and refused to apologize? She was just trying to help him! And now Mindy is suffering from a mild case of PTSD where she's fearful of being yelled at when correcting other people's social missteps. Oh, and did you see that episode of Buffy from 1997 where they dealt with homophobia? Oh my god, that show was so far ahead of its time! I'm always so shocked when an old person, like in their thirties, is actually, like, a decent person! It must have been so hard growing up in such a misogynistic, racist, homophobic, ableist, gender-coded time as the eighties!

I just ate a whole bag of Moose Munch! I wonder if that would have been enough of a story to get its own subplot in Degrassi Junior High. "Did you hear? Stephanie ate a whole bag of Moose Munch. All by herself!" "No! I could see her brother, Broomhead, doing that. But Steph?! How is she going to fit into her whore clothes?!" "Oh! Um, Steph! We didn't see you there in the stall! Now my party will be ruined!"

How do I segue from that to Twat Lobo? Was that good enough?

This issue begins with a flashback to Twat Czarnia where Twat Lobo is in charge of protecting the Twat Emperor from Twat Rebels. I guess life on Czarnia is just like life everywhere else. A few enjoy the resources of the planet while the majority struggle to eke out a life hardly worth living.

Is that a challenge, Twat Emperor?!

The Emperor has a bit of a Real Deal Lobo feel to him! I think it's the healing factor. And the sideburns! We now have an explanation for Real Deal Lobo's healing factor (I mean besides the Magenta Timeline Explanation from Stormwatch that I don't think counts for this timeline). A Czarnian that drinks of the Holy Sacrament gains the power to heal from all wounds. Or most wounds. Although I'm hoping they heal from all wounds so that Real Lobo will eventually come back to take over this book from Twat Lobo.

Will Real Deal Really Real Lobo come back for Confluence?!

Is that supposed to be an insult against Microsoft? I think the otherworldly language thing kind of eases the sting.

Twat Lobo is currently hunting some guy named Double-Zero that can phase through walls. He looks like a Big Daddy because why shouldn't an alien's spacesuit look like a nineteenth century diving suit? A whole race of aliens based their energy batteries on railroad lanterns.

Twat Lobo can't beat this guy because the guy is faster than Twat Lobo. Oh yeah, also: he can phase. I suppose Twat Lobo had to battle somebody he couldn't beat alone so that his new crew didn't just seem like extra baggage. Even though they are.

All alien tech should look like remnants from Earth. Just like all those fucking aliens generally have Latin based names!

Emily, the small one that's probably the most expertest expert of computers that ever existed, cracks the computer's code (because she's also quite good with alien languages and alphabets, I guess) and screws up Double-Zero's suit so that he gets locked in mid-phase. Twat Lobo kills him and lets him know that he, Twat Lobo, is the only one of them that's killed a world. Are you sure, Twat Lobo? Are you sure it wasn't Real Deal Lobo that actually destroyed Czarnia?

Here's more of Twat Lobo's Code, just in case anybody is making a list. I know I'm not. No reason to. As soon as fans call Cullen Bunn out for screwing up and making Twat Lobo do something that he said was against the Code in an earlier appearance, Cullen Bunn will just write a page where Twat Lobo admits to making up the rules as he goes to justify his behavior.

The fifth victim on their list is Snake Omega. They think he might be hiding out in Metropolis. And you know what that means?! Lois Lane is going to get a scoop!

Twat Lobo #3 Rating: No change. I hate the character but I could probably enjoy the comic book if there were more to it than Twat Lobo gets a job to hunt down eight mercs. How many times do I have to point out that the "13 Ghosts of Scooby Doo" story arc is the easiest plot to write? It's why I based Dwarf Lover on it! The flashback stuff is beginning to get interesting, especially if Twat Emperor turns out to be Real Deal Lobo! And even if he doesn't, Real Deal Lobo should be appearing in the flashbacks soon. Possibly as the leader of the rebel forces. Or maybe just as some loony nutball psychopath.