Monday, December 29, 2014

New Guardians #37

Geese cream fat sheep when it's cold outside! Every moment I'm awake, prefer their lemonade!

I just looked at this cover and it made me think Kyle must be dreaming which is why I quoted that Heart song in the caption. I love how the lyrics don't make any sense! They're so dreamlike!

Last issue, Kyle lost his White Ring because he's a huge idiot. While everybody else has been stubbornly fighting the New Gods because it's painfully obvious that they're not going to help the universe at all (and, even if they somehow do something right, at the very least they're not giving back the rings), Kyle just walked up to Highfather and said, "Here! Take my ring!" Then three seconds later, Kyle said, "Hey! Give me back my ring!" But by then it was too late. Stupid Kyle had doomed the universe to doom of the doomiest kind. And now Carol's lady boner for Kyle probably wilted.

Yes she's mad at you! She wanted to fuck you! And then you went and showed her that you're not only a wussy baby puss-puss, but you're stupid too!

Carol probably doesn't mind that Kyle is a wussy baby puss-puss because she was with Hal for a long time and he was the opposite of a wussy baby puss-puss (a tough senior mutt-mutt?). But a smart lady like Carol can't be wasting her time with an idiot that falls for the second oldest scam in the universe. The first oldest scam in the universe is that one where you pretend your wife is your sister and then you get her to marry a king or a pharaoh. Then you accidentally find a way for the king or pharaoh to find out that she's your wife and that you have the meanest, angriest God on the block so he quickly apologizes and sends you away with half of his wealth and cattle and camels because he doesn't want God striking him down. That one was so good that Abraham used it twice! And his son Isaac used it too! On the same guy, Abimelech, that Abraham used it on! That Abimelech sure was a horny idiot!

As Kyle and Carol pretend that maybe they can find a way out of this, Metron stops by in his comfy chair to declare that they have not yet fulfilled their roles!

He gives up too easily and he's wrong. He tries throwing rocks at Metron's head and he's wrong. Cut him some slack, Carol!

Just imagine if Black Racer came by for a visit! Kyle could get the comfy chair and Carol could strap on the skis and they could storm New Genesis!

So now, after Highfather makes a huge mess of everything, his underlings are starting to have second thoughts about all of this shit. Maybe if they all had backbones as big as Orion's, they would have stood up to Highfather earlier and pointed out how he's acting an awful lot like a certain stone face master of a burning prison planet of death and destruction.

Metron drops off an ancient Mother Box for Kyle and Carol to use. It has to be ancient because the newer models are attuned to their users. Anybody can use this old one but that means it's also likely to have just one use left in it. Also, if they both grab it and sing the proper song, they can turn into Infinity Man!

Elsewhere on New Genesis, Malhedron heads off to rescue Guy Gardner and Simon Baz, leaving behind John Stewart and that dopey sperm-headed cunt Saint Walker to fend for themselves. But they're not alone for long.

Great! Now they have three useless people, one Green Lantern, and a squirrel.

The reunion is interrupted by some of Highfather's Divine Guards. But Kyle has a plan! And I think his plan depends on his belief that the New Gods won't kill him. For some reason, Highfather didn't kill him or turn him into a good soldier. So Kyle might still have some kind of link to the Life Equation that Highfather would lose if Kyle were to die. Maybe. It's all comic book nonsense so it's kind of hard to speculate in any kind of logical way!

Kyle and the gang manage to steal the Divine Guards' weapons and turn them on the Guards. Now that they're all equipped with some kind of firepower, they head off to find Highfather and tell him he's acting like an idiot.

They actually find him surprisingly quick. I thought they'd have to wait for Red Lanterns or something. During the five or so minutes that it takes them to walk to Highfather's location, the Bohemian Guardians escape the Singularity Stockade. I guess the New Gods haven't quite perfected the technology to imprison beings older than they are.

Kyle manages to get his White Ring back but it does him little good. It's got no juice left! And I don't think a White Battery exists, does it? Anyway, it seems Highfather has all the White Juice locked up inside of himself now. And he decides to spray it all over his rivals.


New Guardians #37 Rating: No change. Just three more issues of Godhead! I bet it ends like every other Green Lantern Cosmic Crisis! Which is...well, um, actually...I kind of forget how they all ended. I guess the Green Lanterns discovered they had more willpower reserves than they had before or something and beat the crap out of the bad guys? Oh, who cares, really. Another Cosmic Crisis is probably already right around the corner!

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