Justice League United #7

This cover almost lulled me into a false sense of excitement! "Look how awesome this team looks!" I thought as I clutched my throbbing member. "I can't wait to read the adventures of these heroes!" But then my stupid brain reminded me, just as I was achieving orgasm, how last issue ended with the arrival of Legion Lost. Bah! That's like, as a male, watching heterosexual porn and coming just as the camera chooses to show a close-up of the man's O-face. But I wanted a shot of the woman's booty hole at that moment! No wonder people say porn is dangerous! It's why I stick to still pictures or repeating, animated GIFs!

Remember that book "Everything I Need to Know I Learned in Kindergarten"? I bet they didn't learn that thing about porn! I never read that book because it sucked. I mean, it probably sucked. Who wants to read a book written by somebody who left kindergarten thinking, "Whelp! That's it! Education over!" What I learned in Kindergarten was that if you're stubborn enough, the teacher leaves you to your own devices for the first four months until you finally come around and decide to participate with the other kids. I also learned that people should play "Button, Button, Who's Got the Button" far more often than they actually do. Seriously. Get a game of it going at your next New Year's Party. Sure, add drinking and removing clothing rules if you must. But the game really doesn't need any improvement! It's so fucking exciting!

This first panel is nearly an exact representation of that porn moment I mentioned! Ultra sure is fixated on the new universe's booty hole. I hope he doesn't reach his special moment just as Legion Lost appears.

When Legion Lost arrives, it's not the worst part of the page they explode onto. The worst part of that page is the part that reminds me this is only the third part of a five part story. Ugh! Can't they time travel right to the ending?!

I'm sure Lemire wrote this just to satisfy my love for when the comic book does all of the work for me.

Hey Wildfire, if you hate time travel things then stop working with the Legion of Super-heroes! Refuse to step inside one of Brainiac 5's Time Bubbles! Maybe quit comic books altogether because, holy fucking shit, do they rely on time travel an awful lot! Why am I even reading them?! Maybe because I love time travel stories? But I only like superbly thought out time travel stories like Primer or Time Crimes. And comic books rarely do decent time travel stories.

Byth and Black Mass escape with Ultra after Miiyahbin breaks Ultra's concentration on the rift in time and space. Now Byth has to start over by flying Ultra directly into the rift. Why doesn't Legion Lost time travel to the past, disable the ship Byth is going to use, and then return to the present to beat his ass as Byth pounds the dashboard trying to turn over the engine?

All humans look the same to Martian Manhunter.

Green Arrow points out that if they can't save the kid, will they be able to kill him in order to save the universe? And Stargirl is all, "Didn't you read Grayson #5, you dick? We keep walking." And Green Arrow rolls his eyes and goes, "Grayson? I could have been Grayson! But noooo! DC had to saddle me with writers like J.T. Krul and Ann Nocenti! Made me a fucking laughingstock! Because of them, my best fucking appearance for two years was when I shot an arrow into Amazo's ass!"

Animal Man and Timber Wolf sniff each other for some reason and then Justice Legion of Super-heroes Canada fly off to stop Byth! I think I'm supposed to be on pins and edges of seats right now. But what I'm really doing is counting how many pages are left before I can go get fucking drunk and scream at my family.

The Legion of Super-heroes have too many members, so as an added bonus to keep most of them distracted, the rift in time and space has vomited up thousands of wraith-like creatures that they must battle. So most of the team's energy is spent on keeping the space ghouls from landing on Rann and Thanagar. But the real battle will be waged against Byth for Ultra's mind. I'm sure a smaller, more manageable group will deal with that later. And maybe Hawkman will stop acting like such a douche and remember that he's a good guy. Or as good a guy as you can get when you're a gigantic conservative asshole.

Will somebody please distract him with some tax cuts for the wealthy?

Justice League United #7 Rating: -1 Ranking. It's always funny when writing a story with the Legion of Super-heroes to mention how they have so many fucking members in the group. "Ha ha!" one of the characters will say. "There are too many of you guys to remember!" they continue with a sly wink to the reader which says, "I am having the same problem you are having trying to remember them all. Ha ha!" But making a stupid joke about how many of them there are doesn't solve the problem with trying to tell a story with so many fucking characters flying around doing absolutely nothing. Look! A panel with Animal Man and Timber Wolf bonding! And there's Green Arrow getting Tellus's name wrong! And Stargirl and Dawnstar are all, "Hey! We share a word in our name! And it's super fucking surprising that the word isn't the 'girl' part of the name!" Meanwhile, Supergirl, Mon-el, and Martian Manhunter break off to stop Byth while all the other characters remain behind mopping up and taking an inordinate number of cigarette breaks. And all the while, Brainiac 5 keeps saying how he needs more time, preferably two more issues, to figure out how to close the rift. So everybody keep twiddling your thumbs until then! And by all means, don't let Hawkman somehow prevent Supergirl, Martian Manhunter, and Mon-el from getting to Byth's ship because that would be an embarrassment to end all embarrassments.