Monday, December 29, 2014

Batman Loves Superman #17

These two spent so much time fucking, the bomb almost went off!

Last issue, a whale exploded and a man in a Superman costume who was entertaining some children was shot in the chest by a bug. The inevitable conclusion that must be drawn from these two events is that Superman has a Joker! Well, that's the conclusion Batman came up with. And if any of the Batkids had been in the Batcave when Batman was revealing this to Superman, they would have been able to tell Superman, after Batman went up to get some hot milk, that that's always Batman's first hypothesis. Then they would have told him about that time when the tidal wave devastated Malaysia when Batman had Aquaman convinced it was the work of Aquaman's Joker. Or the time Gotham City seemed to be completely out of Earl Grey and Batman shook his head slowly and said, "Looks like you've got yourself a Joker, Alfred." Batman's perspective on most situations might be a little bit wonky.

Just before last issue ended, Superman's Joker lashed out at three different areas of the world: South Korea, Khandaq, and Metropolis. Guess which one Superman thinks needs him most! Wrong, not the two volatile areas that can erupt into an instant World War! He goes to Metropolis! And it's to can't be right.

I hope Lex Luthor's list of suspects is better than Batman's.

Lex Luthor's list is just as dumb as Batman's and it's composed of only one person and that person is the joke suspect that I was going to say and then thought, "Why would he blame Superman himself?" And yet, he does! He says Superman has the knowledge and power to be doing the things Superman's Joker is doing.

So basically, whoever Superman asks, they're not going to put any thought into the problem at all. They're just going to think, "Who would I blame?" and then use that as their answer. Great. Perfect. Everybody in Greg Pak's DC Universe is a narcissistic buttplug.

Oh Lex! None of that would happen. Maybe, in the short term, people would panic and LexCorps stocks would drop. But once your sister took over and she began sharing LexCorps knowledge with Bruce Wayne and Ted Kord, and all of your secret knowledge is used to help the world instead of simply focused on killing Superman, LexCorps stocks will triple in value! And all the risk-takers who hung onto their LexCorps stock will be incredibly wealthy! Although going by what Lex said would happen to America and Southeast Asia, it's possible LexCorps is just a front for sex trafficking.

Lex goes on to not just speculate but confidently forecast exactly what his near assassination will do to the global economy, as well as the global effects of the assassinations of a general in Khandaq and a South Korean Pop Star. I don't know why, but the entire thing makes me hate Greg Pak just a little bit more than I was already hating him for all the memory wipe stories. I guess some people equate genius with mere prognostication. "He's so smart that he knows everything that will happen before it happens simply by observing the world around him!" I wonder if this kind of thinking about intelligence formed from early readings of Asimov's Foundation series in which the far flung future is predicted by a man who worked out equations based on social, cultural, economic, and political variables. I'm sure it made some young, impressionable teens think that all you needed to work out the future were enough numbers to plug into enough variables.

In reality, the best reaction you can predict is that when something bad happens with a company, the stock price will drop because people are out there thinking, "Shit! I better sell because this is going to cause the stock price to drop!" Self-fulfilling market crash!

Superman realizes his Joker (or his Superman?) is killing targets that Superman has saved in the past. But they're people nobody should know he saved. So who could know Superman's own thoughts? Let's see...Krypto! I'm sure Superman tells Krypto everything. And while he's talking to Krypto, the Phantom Zone prisoners are probably listening in. And isn't The Bottled City of Kandor still missing? Maybe one of them got out, driven mad by Superman's hairy sack swinging by the bottle every time he got out of bed to take a whiz. Also, Zombie Lana Lang that lives in his head. But everybody has probably forgotten about her. Queen Bee and Hector Hammond who both possessed Superman's mind and probably know everything about him. And if that's true, then they could have sold the information to the entire criminal underworld! So, I think everybody knows Superman's thoughts?

Hey! I actually thought like the World's Greatest Detective because they go to visit Hector Hammond in a secure STAR Labs facility under the ocean!

Really Batman? He's already been in Superman's head! Don't give him access to yours too!

Batman gives Hector a memory of the Joker laughing. Boring! I wanted some salacious Catwoman stuff!

Hector helps Batman and Superman track down the most deranged mind on the planet but also capable of the assassinations that have been taking place. And the mind he comes up with is Twat Lobo's mind! Who is currently in Metropolis. I think when last we saw Twat Lobo, he was about to head to Metropolis to hunt down one of the assassins of the Earth who was hunting down some super-weapon. Possibly the same weapon used to in all the killings. Twat Lobo's obviously not the killer but I guess it'll be a bit of a distraction so Greg Pak can keep everybody guessing as to who the real Superman's Joker is.

Superman deals patiently with Twat Lobo.

Poor Twat Lobo! Already getting his ass kicked by other heroes to show they can defeat the deadliest assassin in the DC Universe!

Superman continues to be taunted by the voice of his Joker. He's no closer to figuring out who it is. So Batman's next plan is to dangle Lois Lane on the end of a stick to lure the villain into the open. Lois seems okay with this plan.

Batman Loves Superman #17 Rating: No change. Everybody's memories are still intact (mostly!), so that's a good sign. Although the pay off on this villain had better be pretty damned clever or I'm going to find a picture of Greg Pak's face on the internet, print up a full color, life-sized version of it, cut out the eyes and mouth, put it on myself, look in a mirror, and say, "I'm so sorry for wasting your time, Texx. I'll do better next time." Then I'll remove the mask and say, "It's Tess! Not Texx!" And then I'll quickly put the mask back on and say, "Oh! Sorry, sorry! Tess! I'm sorry, Tess!" Then I'll wink and lick my lips and say, "I love you, baby."

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