Friday, December 26, 2014

Futures End #33

Baby Deathstroke! She can make dreams come true! Baby Deathstroke! She'll wind up murdering you!

All Fifty Sue ever wanted was a family. It's so sweet it should be packaged and distributed from an unregulated company (named Convict Confections and operating out of Tijuana) for use in sodas with names like Perpsi and Corke. Obviously the company is a subsidiary of God's Love Products which is a subsidiary of Nothing Odd Going On Here, Inc. which is a subsidiary of New Folder which is a subsidiary of Recycle Bin Brands which is a subsidiary of Time Warner.

Last issue ended with Ray Palmer's Stormwatch being threatened by SHADE within orbit of Earth.

Hmm. That's the strangest Earth I've ever seen.

Instead of working together the way Ray Palmer and Father Time used to work together, they decide to battle each other to see who gets to shout orders when they turn their attentions to battling Brainiac. If you're Father Time, why bother approaching Stormwatch with a detailed plan explaining why he needs The Engineer's help. And when he fails to show that kind of forethought at Angie's arrival, why can't Stormwatch decide to act like adults and say, "Okay, what's your plan? What can Angie do to help?" Am I asking too much out of adults? Maybe most of these assholes need an uncle to tell them about their great power and what comes with it.

Angie might have the best ass in The New 52. But that's not really fair to compare it with all of the others since her ass is full of nanobots keeping it perfect. Plus, she came from a universe that allowed her to have nipples, so of course she's going to have a better formed ass.

Black Adam murders Father Time's monsters because Black Adam is a super villain and he doesn't care how sentient the creatures might have been. Hawkman watches the gorefest and little hearts appear in his eyes.

Ray Palmer decides to take control of SHADE by shrinking down to atomic level (because that's all he can do!). There's a little more to it than just the shrinking. He also hops in Father Time's mouth and swims up to his brain somehow. I don't know inside biology as well as I know outside biology (I can point out hands and feet and nipples and stuff! With no prompting!), so I can't describe the path he took to get from tongue to brain. Or how he breathes while inside a bloodstream. Maybe he just siphons off oxygen from blood cells? Anyway, he winds up in Father Time's brain where he finally comes face to face with Father Time!

Gross! Father Time is a parasite that looks like the Sandman's mask! He also looks like some kind of octopus. He also looks like a penis. Right? That's what they all look like?

Later, Frank Rock and King Faraday remind everybody that some guy named Ethan Boyer had an important thread of story happening months ago. Sequel (which is Fifty Sue's new name) has been tasked with bringing Ethan Boyer back into the Cadmus family. While on her mission, she runs into Grifter's Dungeon Master friend talking on the phone to Grifter. So she punches the guy in the stomach, takes his phone, and completely ruins Grifter's life. I think the old team (minus Deathstroke) might be back together soon!

Lois Lane plugs in her phone or whatever and Brother Eye is set loose, once again, upon the world. He zips about until he finds a recognizable piece of electronics in the future body of Plastique being held in TerrifiTech. I guess Plastique doesn't have to die now since her cyborg body has always existed within a short loop of time! But where did it come from? How did it begin? Something can't have always existed and never existed at the same time or something? Oh wait! I know the answer to all of those questions! God.

This is the part where Terry McBatman and Plastique flirt.

Firestorm heads back to the lab to find some clues about the accident that might help Jason and Madison separate. On their way there, they fly directly over Tim Drake who says, "What? Who? How?! If only I were a journalist, maybe I could answer some of those questions. And a few more even!"

Before Firestorm can find any clues, Doctor Yamazake, now Doctor Polaris, throws some metal shit at her and pins her to the ground. That's when the issue ends because it's the only point of tension in any battle with Firestorm. Villain gets the jump on Firestorm, Firestorm goes, "Holy fuck what the fuck fuck?!", and then Firestorm changes the molecules of everything and the villain loses because his suit is suddenly made out of cookies and the air around him is now chlorine gas and the ground under him has turned to lava and the gum he was chewing has turned into cyanide.

Futures End #33 Rating: No change. Just more filler.

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