Tuesday, December 30, 2014

Catwoman #37

Fucking new highbrow Catwoman comic book! First historical quotes and now ballet?! How am I supposed to understand any of this?!

Why is this comic book still rated Teen Plus? Selina Kyle is almost always fully clothed now and she's too busy with her crime family business to be horny the way women never actually are! I have to lie about women and their levels of hornyness on my blog because my blog isn't rated and children might be reading it. And the worst thing American children can learn, it seems, is that women like to fuck just as much as men do. Sometimes more! And sometimes men like to fuck less! Remember Married With Children? Al never wanted to fuck Peggy even though she was constantly pawing at his cock. And that show was practically a documentary about the American family. At least my family, anyway.

The Bundys and the Conners were probably the only families on television that I identified with. My mom could barely stand to watch Roseanne because the explosive fights between Roseanne and Becky reminded her too much of her blowouts between her and my sister. I was Darlene. Our family didn't have a DJ. Come to think of it, our family didn't have a Dan either!

This issue begins with Selina's cousin, the one that was passing information to Alvarez, dumped at her door by Black Mask's men. He's wearing a note which says, "Might want to seal your leak." But what if Selina liked the leak? Some leaks serve good purposes, like valves that vent pressure to relieve stress on a system. You know, like Nick was doing for Selina!

Come on, Catwoman! If anybody can change the rules of the game, it's you! Cats don't follow rules. They say, "Rules? What is this rules you are talking about? Can it be eaten? No? Then take it away."

Everybody in the Calabrese organization minus Antonia and Selina want Nick's head for squealing. But Selina would rather have information from him. The whole kidnapping was orchestrated by Black Mask so that Selina would know Black Mask put her in the position to have to deal with a family member turned traitor in front of the entire organization. It's a move to make her look weak in the eyes of the other Gotham crime families, and Black Mask wants her to know he's behind it.

Black Mask uses this opportunity to try to get the Hasigawa Family to partner with his new venture which, if I remember correctly, currently has an exclusive contract with the city of Gotham for reconstruction. Or something. Business is boring. I wish Catwoman would steal something!

But since that doesn't seem like it's going to happen anytime soon, I guess I have to wait with everybody else to see how she punishes Nick.

Ouch. Maybe Selina knows she won't be able to go through with it and she'll escape with him and they'll live happily ever after in Metropolis? Maybe?

Actually, what do I care what happens to Nick and Antonia? I can barely even remember their names!

Eiko Hasigawa has arrived just in time to hear Selina's ultimate decision on the Nick situation. So maybe Catwoman will save him! Catwoman has to do something. Her name is all over the cover!

Or maybe Batman will save Nick! Doesn't Batman usually save people? Isn't that what he's supposed to...

Oh. Well. Um. I guess that's it for whats-his-name.

So family, right? What's up with that?!

Catwoman #37 Rating: +1 Ranking. Now that Selina Kyle has proven she's got what it takes to keep a crime family in control by sacrificing a close family member, she's going to own Gotham City in no time! Plus she might just kill Black Mask for this. I think it's long past due that Black Mask was stricken from Batman's recurring villains roster! Besides, Roman Sionis can always be replaced by the next guy to pick up the mask and imagine it's talking to him.

Leaving behind my typical blog voice, I just want to say this about this issue: Genevieve Valentine actually made me care about the death of a character whose name I couldn't even remember when I started reading this issue. Some writers could kill a major character and it wouldn't faze me! So kudos, Genevieve, on some really good shit happening here in Catwoman. I miss Catwoman doing Catwoman adventures, and I think we still need more Batman especially since I already trust you to do their relationship well, but fucking hell if this isn't ten thousand times better than what Nocenti was passing off for scripts. And even calling this ten thousand times better than a Nocenti script feels like I'm insulting you!

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