Tuesday, December 16, 2014

Sinestro #7

Last Lego cover! Fuck you, Lego! You have the aesthetic of a rotting platypus!

It's true. Lego based all of their design ideas on a rotting platypus they keep sealed in a vault in Lego Headquarters. You might be thinking, "But Tess! Surely, rotting platypuses aren't blocky and trying too hard to be cutesy!" My response is, "Fuck you! I'm busy."

Recently in Godhead, Highfather was being a total dick. The Lantern Corpses (is that the plural of corps? It's hard to tell since Spell Check accepts it as corpses!) were all, "Stop it! Be nice! Stop taking our rings!" And Highfather was all, "Shut up, you mortal babies. Do you want Darkseid sticking his dick in your planet? No? Then give me all of the rings." And the Lanterns, especially the ones from Earth, were all, "Obviously you've never met humans before, bitch! We never give up and we always say tough things in the face of death and we're like the only species that loves unconditionally who believe that no other species loves unconditionally which makes us totally special and shit." Then Highfather beat them all down until they hid in the Anti-Matter Universe sucking their thumbs and blubbering.

Now it's Sinestro's chance to turn the war around and be the hero he thinks he is.

I wonder what's happening with the rest of the universe without its unasked for cosmic police force ignoring their made-up job? Getting along pretty good, are they?

First part of Sinestro's plan: act creepy.

In the first panel of this comic book, a bunch of Lanterns kidnapped by Highfather were in the background. I didn't immediately comment on them because they all had their Lantern Insignias tattooed on their foreheads and that seemed weird. But now on Qward, there are Indigo Lanterns in the background with their insignia on their forehead. Which is still weird. Anyway, one of Highfather's captives was blue and it wasn't Saint Walker so did somebody screw up? Or is Highfather already busy making his own army of Lanterns to kick Darkseid's ass? I think somebody screwed up because we've seen that when Highfather turns somebody into one of his soldiers, he definitely outfits them in some kind of Kirby costume. I think the captured Red and Blue Lanterns in that scene should have been yellow. And only the Indigo should have the stupid tattoo on their foreheads.

Sinestro isn't the only Lantern that wants a chance to prove themselves as leader! John Stewart has a plan as well!

This plan is worse than the acting creepy plan!

I would accept that this plan made sense except DC has already established in just about every Lantern comic book that space travel takes no time at all. Not for Green Lanterns. Not for Red Lanterns. Not for Superman (except the one time he had to travel all the way back from the Preboot Universe after defeating Brainiac). Not for the Authority. Not for Lobo. Not for Batman. Everybody might as well already be teleporting! The only time the Lanterns can't travel somewhere instantly is if the plot depends on it and then I'm told I have to believe this bullshit. And I try! I really do try! But then a Ring Bearer will pull a lantern out of a pocket dimension and my head explodes.

Doesn't the Green Lantern Corps have a "Human" Resources Department to provide sensitivity training to its members?

How can you protect everybody in the universe if you can't respect those that don't look like you, Arisia, you stupid orange skinned, pointy eared girl!

A fight breaks out between the Green and Yellow Lanterns and lasts for quite a few pages. I guess Cullen Bunn wasn't allowed to advance the Godhead plot on his own so he was told to vamp it up this month. The pacing on these huge crossovers never runs very smoothly. I think DC tends to over commit when doing the outline and then always realizes they don't need as many issues as they planned to tell the story.

Somebody could have at least told the artists which hand Arkillo was missing though.

Sinestro's Creepy Plan culminates in Bekka being offered a Yellow Lantern Ring. Why she'd want something less powerful than a stick, I can't say. But it seems like Highfather is going to lose this battle due to a lack of loyalty. Although I'm still hoping Kyle sits down with him and introduces him to popcorn and Wargames.

Highfather: "I...I...I get it! Darkseid is the Xs and I'm the Os!"

After everybody calms down, Stewart and Sinestro gather their forces to ambush a New God and steal the New God's Mother Box. But Indigo-1 betrays them for some reason (probably out of Compassion), and teleports them right into Orion's clutches.

Sinestro #7 Rating: How did this comic book escape cancellation in the recent batch of cancellations?! Sinestro must have more loyal fans than I would have ever guessed. I used to be one of those fans although, admittedly, only because of Challenge of the Superfriends. But this comic book has cured me of that! Sinestro is a boring prig that can't stop pining over Hal Jordan. Move on already! Go find somebody that will love you back!

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