Wednesday, December 17, 2014

Justice League Dark #36

Ugh. Who invited Felix to the party?

After falling victim to The House of Wonders (that's what it's called when The House of Mystery fucks the House of Secrets), Justice League Dark fell into some kind of vortex where they were transported to fantasy worlds. Or non-fantasy worlds. Or future versions of the worlds? I don't know for sure because I've only read Zatanna's story so far and she was transported into a magic world where her every thought became reality. I guess she landed on Fantasy Island. This issue, we'll find out where Ada, Andrew, Alec, and Frank went!

I guess it's a good thing none of these four need to breathe. Except maybe Alec but I think he can provide his own atmosphere.

Alec's main issue is that he's been cut off from The Green. That seems to be more important than breathing because he begins to wither. But Nightmare Nurse helps him with a spell (what problem can't be solved with a spell?), and everybody seems fine. Although for some reason Andrew Bennett begins worrying about the air and the cold. You know, two things that vampires don't give a shit about normally. He's such a wannabe human.

It turns out all that's left of Earth is a hunk of rock. But it seems to have normal Earth gravity because nobody is floating off into space.

Why do you have to blame people? It's been billions of years! It's the end of time! So many other things could have happened to the planet! Like the mice could have taken over and built nuclear cheese bombs and blown it up into millions of hunks of dead rock! Or, um, you know, the sun could have consumed it in its death bloat. But probably the mice.

After Bennett flies off to find an In-N-Out Burger, the rest of Justice League Dark are attacked by Felix Faust Cooties with disgustingly graphic sphincters.

How is this comic book not rated mature?!

Felix Faust appears to the Justice League Dark as the gross caterpillar thing on the cover. He pulls Swamp Thing inside himself to digest him and Nightmare Nurse dives in to save him. Faust believes he has the upper hand but he's forgotten the number one rule of large creatures fighting smaller creatures: never ingest them without chewing first. The whole thing where somebody explodes out of the stomach of somebody else hasn't happened for quite some time in The New 52, so it's almost as if it hadn't already been overdone just a few scant months after The New 52 began! And I guess from Felix Faust's perspective billions of years in the future, it's almost as if it were never done at all. So I don't blame him for forgetting that you never allow the enemy to get inside of you in one piece.

Anyway, Felix Faust learns the lesson the hard way, spilling Swamp Thing, Ada, and his guts all over the barren landscape.

Once Faust is down, Justice League Dark faces another problem!

Wait. Why is the lack of oxygen a problem for a demon, a vampire, and an undead freak? Just get in close to Alec! Doesn't his skin produce oxygen?

The real problem is that Faust was maintaining some kind of mystic shield to keep out the Langoliers. Nightmare Nurse heals him and he restores the protection. I guess they're at a standoff now, so they're going to have to work together. To do what? I don't know. Invent games to play to keep from going insane from boredom?

Faust bitches about how the worst thing of all is the loneliness. I beg to differ. How long would company have kept him sane? Remember how Dr. Suess said, "Hell is the others"? Having companions would have just been another kind of unbearable existence. The real problem is not having any stimulation. No music! No movies! No chocolate bars or doughnuts!

Meanwhile in the time that has lots of time left, Zatanna is also fighting the battle against loneliness. This issue has the same message as 9/10s of all Twilight Zone episodes: loneliness is the worst! I think Rod Serling was a very needy person. Zatanna begins working on a way to locate her friends so that she can regain her sanity by constantly bickering with them.

Yeah, dumb dumb! Where are you going to go? Bennett already discovered there were no In-N-Out Burgers here.

Nightmare Nurse suggests that they ride out the end of the universe in a protective spell and wait for a new universe to begin. That pisses off Felix Faust's father, Felix Faust, and an even bigger, more disgusting gut-caterpillar attacks. That makes sense because even in a pseudo-imaginary story like this one, Felix Faust can't have any kindness within him! It makes sense that the kindness came from one of his clones of himself.

Son of Felix Faust battles his father to give the others time to escape to the edge of the world and fling themselves out into the void! That sounds like a shitty escape plan. But I guess people dying at the end of time can't be choosers!

Justice League Dark sail away on a ship made of spells. And that's as much of their story as we'll get for now. Next month, Black Orchid, Deadman, and Madame Xanadu (yay! I'll get to repeat my Haiku!) face their ordeal at the middle of time! That's the present, in case you were confused.

Justice League Dark #36 Rating: For a long time, I wasn't enjoying this comic book. But these last two issues have been enjoyable. So that's a good thing! And with this commentary, we reach the end of No Ratings November! The new rankings have been put up on the sidebar and, hopefully, I didn't miss any comics. Rank changes continue with the next commentary on Futures End #31!

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