Trinity of Sin #2

God is a gigantic Kitten?! Hallelujah! I believe!

Last issue ended with the surprise revelation of Quackers the Cosmic Duck. She might be the most powerful DC Villain not created by Jack Kirby. I say "might be" because I know nothing about Quackers the Cosmic Duck. She might also just be another boring character created and written by J.M. DeMatteis. I wish I knew how to write comic books so I could give J.M. some pointers to help him create believable, likable, and interesting characters. I'd say, "J, bro. Can I call you J? What the audience is looking for is three dimensionality! They want to believe that these characters are feeling the feels forced on them by the situation they're in! You can't just have The Phantom Stranger's entire character be 'He wears a fedora and a trench coat.' You have to think up aspects of their personality which cause them to constantly make poor decisions, or to love too well, or to listen to witches, or to believe gossip from the dumbest and least likable of his three daughters. Here's what I do when I want to make a believable character, J. I make a Master List of Personalty Traits. Then I hang that list on the wall so I can refer back to it when I'm writing a scene containing that character. Let's say it's the nineties and I just created a comic book character named Bloodageddon. I'd list his personality traits like so:

1. Enjoys storing things in pouches.
2. Likes to shoot guns.
3. Has an eyepatch or robot eye or something wrong with one eye.
4. Kills wantonly.
5. Comes from the future. Probably. Maybe the past!
6. Always talks tough. Especially when it seems like he's going to die!
7. Best killer ever.
8. I mentioned the guns right? Lots and lots of guns!
9. Cool hair.
10. Muscles and/or bangs chicks a lot.

See? Now I know what motivates Bloodageddon! And I can write issue after issue without ever forgetting what makes him who he is! Maybe you should try that, J. If you do, you owe me $50 for the lesson. This wasn't free advice!"

She's Quackers the Cosmic Duck! She'll fill your ears with yuck after yuck! She'll philosophize and harmonize and tantalize and eat your fries! Then she'll make you question humanity's ephemeral and insignificant place in the chaotic and ever changing univeeeeeeeerse! Quackers! *QUACK*

Quackers sends Pandora and The Phantom Stranger to a place called the Shadowlands. That's right next door to the place souls go when they lose a game of Yu-Gi-Oh. Waiting for Pandy and Phanty are Quackers, Landminotaur, She-Serpent, and The Dolphin King. I think J.M. DeMatteis was told to write a script for a Saturday Morning Cartoon.

A fight breaks out but since it takes place in the arena of Quackers' mind, Pandora and The Stranger never have a chance. But Quackers still needs The Question if she's to use their powers to turn Earth into Dark Earth. See, Quackers is the last of her kind and she's angry that humans get to have parties and eat cakes and dance and fuck and play and eat more cakes while she's had to sit in the dark alone for billions of years. She'd probably have friends as well but God put up a big sign that says, "Don't feed the ducks. Bread is not, and never has been, a part of their natural diet, you stupid humans."

Quackers easily tricks The Question into coming over to Dark Earth because he can't resist a good mystery. He likes to find out the answers so he can say, "The Question knows!" Unless it's the Shadow that knows! Maybe he just likes answering questions. Who knows?

The Sha...SHUT UP!

The Question makes his saving throw against pseudo-philosophical bullshit.

Quackers catches The Question as well and transports the Trinity of Sin to the Rock of Eternity where they first got railroaded in a sham trial put on by asshole wizards. Quackers uses the Trinity's three artifacts to open up a portal of sin and cover Earth in darkness. Essentially it's the same thing that was happening in Forever Evil: Blight only this time Blight is a Cosmic Duck with hooters.

Trinity of Sin #2 Rating: Who am I? And who am I? But even if you can answer those questions, you still have to wonder: who am I? It's times like these that I wish I knew who I was! Or that there were more questions than just that one so that I could get some fucking answers!