Batman Eternal #36

You'll be shocked and utterly dismayed by what I conclude in my conclusion!

So many different plot threads have come loose from the Batman Eternal Christmas sweater that even the knitters probably don't know how many there are. Up until I opened Batman Eternal #36, I'd completely forgotten about what's-her-name and her stupid kid brother, what's-his-name. I'm glad I already typed that so that I can leave it even though I just remembered that her name is Harper and her brother's name is the gay kid in the coma full of nanobots. That's not what his convict dad put on the birth certificate but it's what all his friends call him when they're punching him in the face and taking his lunch money.

You'd be completely bewildered and annoyed by the sentence that I just deleted which you'll never get to read even if you click on the link I'm not providing!

Please. If you caught Red Robin coming out of the shower, Red Robin wanted to be caught coming out of the shower!

Harper concludes her shower story saying she "didn't see anything R-rated." Of course you didn't! Red Robin doesn't have boobies or vaginal pubic hair! Although, to be fair, movies and cable television have begun showing flaccid wieners like never before! I've seen Jason Segel's penis and Jason Mewes penis and Kevin McKidd's penis and probably some other penises that I don't remember who they belonged to. I imagine there are a lot more to be seen but since I haven't had cable television in over a decade and most cartoon or super hero movies don't show a guy's junk, I've probably missed a lot of onscreen ween.

Red Robin realizes Batman needs his help so he asks Harper to coordinate with the Batcave while he rushes out to save Batman's life. Although before he even leaves the Robin's Nest, the Batmobile is crashing out of the window of Wayne Tower, so it's more likely that Red Robin will be pulling Batman's corpse from the Batmobile. I guess this is the part where Harper and Penny-Two become Besties and decide to put on costumes and become full-fledged Batman sidekicks?

Penny-Two gives the "Blue Rose" code to the batcomputer which must mean Alfred is a huge fan of Fire Walk With Me. I don't know what the command does but hopefully it saved Batman's life somehow because seconds after Penny-Two says it, the Batmobile crashes into the streets of Gotham and explodes.

Meanwhile, Vicki Vale finishes up her story she's been investigating in Detroit.

That's not how you do journalism! You don't throw the truth away once you find it! You publish it, you dodo!

After Vicki hangs up, Batman punches Bard in the face just like Vicki Vale said he would. She's a good reporter! She might be better than Lois Lane! She just hasn't had all the same breaks. If only Vicki could work for a lush organization like The Daily Planet. Working in Metropolis? Where they have a superhero that likes to be reported on and will give interviews?! How can Vicki Vale compete when, even if you can pin him down and ask him a question, Batman just disappears when you glance down at your notepad?

When Jason Bard points a gun at The Batman and threatens to arrest him, everybody reading this comic book thinks, "What an ass!" Also, the Batkids drop by to make sure Bard gets the point that he might be Commissioner but he doesn't make the Batlaw in Gotham. Batlaw is the usual laws that exist but they don't have to be followed by members of the Batfamily. That's the main reason they wear masks. Not to protect loved ones but so nobody knows exactly who to serve the summons to when trying to sue their asses in civil courts.

Hush would probably like a grilled cheese. Tim and Jason don't want waffles.

Batman points out to his Kids that everything they've experienced so far must be connected. But he just can't figure out which one of his enemies can put together such a twisted, complex, scheme that has so many interlocking parts. Like a puzzle! I mean, who the fuck could be behind it all?! I tried guessing this before and could only come up with enemies like The Puzzler or the Brainteaser or the Gameplayer. It's just beyond me who it could be!

The Riddler? No, I don't buy it. His invitations would have had cute little question marks all over them.

Batman Eternal #36 Rating: No change. Okay, so it is true that the Riddler left a coded clue in which the codebreaker needed to use his name, Engyma, to crack the code. And then the code said that if you were smart enough to read the code, you would already know who is behind Gotham's problems. So that kind of points to The Riddler as the Mastermind, doesn't it? Plus it's the kind of crazy fucking Rube Goldbergesque plan The Riddler enjoys putting together. And I'd be satisfied with The Riddler since he's smart enough to put this shit together. I was really upset when it seemed Hush was behind it all! I doubt Hush would have spelled every word on the invitations correctly.

Oh wait! I think I promised something shocking in my conclusion. Um...kittens fart poison!