Batman Loves Superman #16

Superman's dance is called 'Steering the tractor.' Batman is in awe of it.

I hope this story by Greg Pak doesn't involve Superman and Batman losing any of their memories! They hardly have any memories left after the last fifteen issues. Plus Batman died and had his organs replaced by Toymaster parts! I think. Was that something that really happened or a misremembered forgotten memory?

Greg Pak has really disappointed me since his first Batman Loves Superman story arc. His stories would be better if they were taking place on Earth-47, the Earth where stories happen that don't really make sense for the current continuity because characters would have knowledge they never had in previous appearances and/or the heroes have toys beating in their chests. Earth-47 might actually be a different Earth but it hasn't appeared in Multiversity yet, so I think it's unassigned!

This issue begins with another article by Lois Lane that's less thought out than the rambling, incoherent shit I type on a daily basis. Her great big fucking ego has decided that she gets to declare that things around the world feel good again! I suppose you can say things are definitely better than when she was putting everybody into comas and watching comatose pilots with planes full of comatose people plunge out of the sky. And since Lois Lane is the arbiter of reality, I guess it's okay for the rest of the world to let out a shaky breath they hadn't realized they'd been keeping in, mop off their brow, and smile! Lois Lane has declared things are better! Let's fucking celebrate!

Things might be good again but do you guys really think it's a good time to prank the penguins?

Maybe this is how Superman helps farm ambergris? Although it would help if he knew what a Sperm Whale looked like.

Also, I have my doubts that Steel could fly while carrying a Killer Whale. It's just so preposterous that it's making me snort in derision! Try to keep at least one little toe planted in reality, comic books!

What's actually happening is Superman, Supergirl, and Steel must have been sitting around watching Blackfish and decided to kidnap some Killer Whales to make themselves feel better. I guess they figured they could get around with pissing off Sea World since Batman wasn't around to ask, "What gives us the right?!" Or something similarly stodgy and uptight.

And then a Killer Whale explodes. Followed by Krypto, Supergirl, and Steel all being hit by high velocity something or others. Ha! Serves them right! They never should have messed with Sea World!

Some guy in a children's ward dressed as Superman gets shot in the chest and dies about the same time as the Killer Whale's head explodes. But no projectiles or bombs or shrapnel were found on the whale or the guy portraying Juggling Superman, as seen in probably a fuckton of Superman comic books from the sixties. That must mean the projectile was made of ice! That's "Get Away With Murder 101"! You should always use an ice gun with ice bullets and ice gunpowder so that only water will be found at the scene of the crime. Unless you kill the person in below freezing conditions and then the police might find the ice bullet and the ice gun and probably you with your tongue stuck to the ice gun.

Superman knows a mystery when he sees one and luckily one of his best friends solves mysteries for a living! He heads to Gotham and asks Batman to start searching for clues!

"Clues?!" says Batman as he tries to stand in a manner that hides his erection. "I was made to find clues!"

"You may not find any on this case, Batman! I have decided to dub this case 'The Case of the Mystery That Stumped Superman!' Do not feel ashamed if you find no clues on this one, old chum!" lectured Superman as he secretly giggled in his mind because he would love to see Batman fail! Except he must have giggled a little bit in his mouth too because Batman looked hurt.

"You do not think I am the World's Greatest Detective, amigo? Well I will show you! I will solve this case in a heartbeat because I know a case that should be called 'The Case of the Melt-Away Weapon' when I see one!" Superman nodded wisely. "Of course you will solve this case! Unless, I mean, you are the world's greatest detective. What if the answer to this mystery is...out of this world!?"

Batman glared at Superman until Superman felt uncomfortable which took about three and a half seconds. Then Superman muttered an apology and they set out to solve the case which was really called, unbeknownst to them, "The Case of the Soon To Be Missing Memories!"

Kid, this is serious business and not the time for scrotum jokes!

If this kid actually thought that other guy with the huge gut was Superman, then he must be hospitalized for stupidity. Or if you're a romantic and not a cynical douchebag, maybe he was hospitalized for (when you read the following italicized phrase, close your eyes, tilt your head up at about a forty-five degree angle and do a bit of a Ray Charles head bob as you accentuate each syllable) wanting to believe.

A rare modern age appearance of Juggling Superman! Except he's juggling all wrong. Unless he's doing his 'juggling like a Looney Tunes character' act.

Batman says, "Why are you wasting time with witnesses to the man's murder, Superman? We should get back to finding clues!" And Superman is all, "You are a clue!" The children all laugh at Batman and he commits each of their faces to memory in the hopes he will one day catch them acting like juvenile delinquents so that he can break some of their bones.

Before Batman and Superman leave, one of the clues says, "Superman had a bug on his shirt right next to the ketchup and the gaping hole where I could see his beating heart!" Superman and Batman gasp! A bug! They suddenly had a trail and they were hot on it! "Let us go ask the Bat-Computer about Bugs, Superman! It will be fun!"

Batman checks all the files on the Bat-Computer as Superman lists all of his enemies. But Batman shakes his head and says, "No, no! None of that makes sense! Why would your enemies try to hurt you and your friends and complete strangers that wear your Underoos? Also, we need to think about this situation involving you as if it were involving me because we aren't talking about me enough!" Then Batman thinks for a second, snaps his Bat-Fingers, and says:

So cute! Batman has a Catwoman chair! I mean, doesn't Batman have any updated pictures of The Joker? His face is kind of doing this weird barely hanging on thing these days.

Superman gasps! "Brilliant deduction, Batman! Now who could my Joker be? Mr. Mxyzptlk? The Prankster? The Toymaster? Captain Swirlie? Atomic Wedgie?" Superman thinks for a moment and says, "Is this where we forget everything we've been doing?"

"Not yet!" says Batman! "First, we must solve this case which will reveal something super exciting but maybe too exciting for us to have knowledge of when we next appear in a different comic book. I mean, on a different case! So do not forget yet, pal! We have more clues to find!"

Superman wants to know how to combat a Joker and Batman says, "You monitor everybody close to you that your nemesis might know about! And you win a few! But you can't think of everything. So you lose a few." And when Batman says "You lose a few," he thinks of four scenes: Jason Todd being killed, Babs in her wheelchair, his Bat-Family with their "faces" cut off at the Joker's dinner party, and a bunch of random people killed with Joker Toxin. Out of those four scenarios, three of them are people he should have been monitoring which would have been his wins! Batman is horrible at his own advice!

Plus, Superman's Joker seems to have hacked into the Batcave. So when Batman brings up camera shots on all of Superman's friends (plus a picture of dead Superboy because why not, right?), Superman's Joker learns everybody close to Superman! Really? So Superman's Joker went through the nearly impossible task of hacking into and taking control of Batman's computer to find out the relatively easy research work (in comparison to hacking Bruce's computer) of finding out who is close to Superman? How did Superman's Joker know that Batman would have cameras keeping an eye on everybody close to Superman?! Oh wait. Everybody knows Batman is fucking paranoid and monitors every single aspect of the lives and the lives of the friends and family of all the members of the Justice League.

Batman Loves Superman #16 Rating: I guess Greg Pak realized his stories weren't making sense so he thought, "How do I use that to my advantage?!" Then he realized that The Joker doesn't make sense! So if Superman has a Joker, none of Superman's Joker's plans would have to make any sense because he's just crazy! So he basically spent this issue telling the readers that if things don't make sense then the story is going exactly as planned!