Wonder Woman #36

Holy shit. David Finch's art is worse than I remember it!

Hopefully I'm writing this late enough after its release that Meredith Finch has gotten past needing to Google her name to read all of the reviews and see how people are enjoying her work. Because I have a feeling that this is not going to be good and I really don't want to hurt her feelings. And if this isn't good, I'm about to say some really mean and nasty things.

You would think that by recognizing the flaws and faults in my own nature that it would make it easier to correct them. But for some reason, instead of making myself a better person, I love to root and wallow in my worst aspects! I love to get that biting nastiness way up in every crack and cover myself in pure venom and hate! It's so refreshing! I love to shove my face deep in a trough freshly filled with garbage and swill, guzzling it down until I'm too bloated to move. And look! Look! My trough is about to be overflowing with the Finch's Wonder Woman! I'm drooling!

The issue begins with Wonder Woman Narration Boxing. You all know what that is, right? Instead of an omniscient narrator setting the scene or instead of a thought bubble coming out of Wonder Woman's head which give us an insight into what she's thinking at the exact moment the panel occurs, we get a mishmash of the two which very rarely make any sense in the medium of comic books. Since we, the reader, are looking at particular panels representing time passing, the modern Narration Boxing reads as if the hero were standing next to you explaining what you're currently watching. The comic book has become a nature show and the hero, Richard Attenborough. It's usually used as a crutch by writers that don't quite feel comfortable letting the art of the comic book carry the load, or by writers with aspirations to write the next Great American Novel. Funny enough, Brian Azzarello employed them maybe—let's see...counting on my fingers...carry the pinky—zero times?

What does the sudden insertion of Narration Boxing into a comic book that has done without them for three years suddenly mean? Well, for one, it's going to allow people who were confused by trying to understand Wonder Woman's motives through her actions and her interactions with her friends and enemies to finally be able to get inside Wonder Woman's head where things will be clearly stated. No more ambiguity! Wonder Woman is going to tell us exactly what she's thinking and why she's doing the things she's doing! Whew! That's a great weight off of my brain because I fucking hate coming to my own conclusions using clues from the artist and the scant, pun-filled dialogue! But then, Meredith might be taking into account that her husband is nowhere near as good an artist as Cliff Chiang, so his pictures might need some Narration Boxing help if the reader is going to understand what's happening.

The first four pages contain Wonder Woman's thoughtful screed on water. It's both good and bad (the water! Not the screed! Well, maybe the screed as well!)! It's life giving and life taking! People drink it and drown in it! It's such a conundrum!

Don't they have fucking washcloths on Paradise Island?! I bet Diana's soap is usually covered in ass pubes!

I bet David kept bugging Meredith all month as she wrote, "Are you writing a shower scene? Is there a shower scene yet? Don't forget the shower scene!" And Meredith was probably all, "Put your dick away, asshole! I'm working here!" And Dave was probably, "So am I! I do my best drawing of teenaged looking girls with my dick in my hand!" And Meredith was all, "Who the fuck did I marry?!" And Dave was all, "Why did you have to age, you hag!" And Meredith was all, "I'm going to my mother's!" And Dave was all, "Your mother is a whore!" And Meredith was all, "You're lucky we don't own a shotgun, you pig!"

I wonder if I can break up their marriage just by the power of my commentaries!

But then the thoughts on water turn into maybe thoughts on something else when Diana looks at a drawing of her with herself (or something?)! Maybe she wasn't talking about water at all! Maybe she was talking about the person in the drawing that looked like a younger (or older?) version of herself in the picture! Somebody Wonder Woman took for granted! Somebody essential to Wonder Woman's well-being! Somebody that could wash away her sorrows in a super sexy sponge bath scene that David probably fought for! Unless that picture was Diana and Hippolyta! Then I'm suddenly kind of disgusted by the thought of the sexy sponge bath. No wait. Sorry, not disgusted. I meant intrigued!

Cyborg Skypes Diana to check her out in her shower towel while pretending there's an emergency somewhere. Unless there really is an emergency at that place that the reader was watching flood while Wonder Woman thought about water. Some bad guys broke a dam and flooded a village. Now Wonder Woman is needed to go hug the survivors and make them feel better.

And the answer to my question, "How long before the next creative team rewrites the thing about men and women living together on Paradise Island from Azzarello's run?", is six pages!

"Wonder Woman is a feminist icon! You can't have a comic book starring a feminist icon be simply about that feminist icon living her life the way she wants to live it and caring about her friends and trying to keep her family from destroying all mankind and teaching people about kindness and caring and love? That isn't feminism! You need conflict between men and women, dammit!" Narration Boxed Meredith Finch as she read Azzarello's run to research Wonder Woman. Maybe she also watched old episodes of the Challenge of the Superfriends. While she watched those, she thought, "Aha! I see! The women fight other women and the men fight other men! Except those two that grow huge. I guess it's okay for Native Americans to punch women in the face because they're close to nature or something."

Wait a second! Clyemne said men stink?! I'm offended! And a little bit stinky. Jesus Christ. How many days in a row have I been wearing this shirt?!

She's talking about feeling horny all the time with all that loose, swinging dick all over the island.

Who is this old crone? The Fox News of Paradise Island?!

Okay, here's the part of the commentary that comes hard to me. We're only seven pages into the first issue by Meredith Finch, so this opinion could change at any time (and it will change quickly as soon as I see an opening! You know it's true! A lot of you have seen me work my magic on Lobdell and DeFalco!) but Meredith's control of this scene and her dialogue, fitting each character so that we know exactly where they stand (maybe a bit one-dimensionally but concerning the topic, I think that's completely fine), seems to show she has some talent at this writing thing. I couldn't assume she got the job because she was a decent writer since DC has also hired Ann Nocenti and Howard Mackie! This scene was entirely too expected after Azzarello left the title with men still all over the island. The dialogue was written well, whether or not anybody agrees with it, seeing as how the old woman is a fear-monger.

And then the Justice League meet for the first time inside the pages of Wonder Woman!

I like how Aquaman has slipped his arm around Superman's waist.

Now is the time where I show off why I call myself a Grandmaster Comic Book Reader. Take another look at that picture I just scanned in. Look it over. Now read what I wrote during last issue's commentary about the future art of Wonder Woman:

David Finch is only capable of drawing women (and usually drawing them looking fifteen years younger than they really are) and is not capable of drawing men that aren’t in shadowy corners of the room and who don’t have fish lips.

Thank you! Thank you! No need for applause. You are simply sitting in front of a mute computer screen, after all. Although if we ever meet in real life, I'll expect a standing ovation.

On the other half of the Justice League Watchtower Double Splash Page, The Flash makes a comment about how Luthor stinks. I'm not a psychologist or a detective or anything, but I'm starting to believe that Meredith Finch lives with a smelly man.

Cyborg and Batman show the team satellite pictures of the villages wiped out earlier in the comic book. Remember how we saw them wiped out by water as Wonder Woman thought about water? Remember that? How water did this to the villages? Water!

OH MY FUCKING GOD! YOU ARE SO USELESS!

Also on the Case of the Villages Destroyed By Something Other Than Global Capitalism, The Swamp Thing! I'm not sure why he cares though since vegetation was all that survived. Who cares about dead humans? That's Buddy Baker's area of expertise! Humans, I mean. Not dead humans. That's Abby Arcane's area of expertise!

As everybody who reads at least one comic book a month that isn't Futures End knows, Wonder Woman appears on the scene to kick Swamp Thing in the face. But what wasn't in the Channel 52 advert was what Wonder Woman says as she kicks him in the face. Because if it had been printed, I think most of you would have skipped this book.

Whut?

Poor Swamp Thing. He's just a peaceful pile of mulch trying to live the best way he knows how but it's always just a little more than the super heroes will allow. Didn't Aquaman tell the rest of the Justice League how badly he got his ass handed to him by The Swamp Thing? In Aquaman's own book even! I'm sure that was just another failure that he neglected to mention. Now Wonder Woman will get to learn that you can't kick the Earth's ass without kicking your own ass at the same time! I think. Something like that. And even though Diana is also the God of War, I still wouldn't bet on her against The Swamp Thing.

Holy shit! Calm down! Somebody's still a little bit pissed about the alien vagina flower her boyfriend foisted on her.

Wonder Woman winds up tied up in roots as Aquaman stumbles onto the scene and pisses himself with laughter. Swamp Thing lets them know he'll share anything he finds about what happened before shambling off. You know, I don't blame Aquaman at all for this misunderstanding. I blame Superman. He's the closest thing Swamp Thing has to a friend on the Justice League and he hasn't briefed the rest of the crew on him? He hasn't told his girlfriend about the wonderful, gentle, lost man named Alec Holland? Maybe Superman is ashamed to be friends with a monster?

On the ride home, Aquaman asks Wonder Woman why she's suddenly so anti-hugs. Forget that. I want to know why the Justice League allows Aquaman to fly a space ship?

Is this the newest model of Lex-Wayne airbus? You'd think they'd have a method of travel that spews less pollutants. Like flying fish! Or just having Wonder Woman carry Aquaman.

Wonder Woman and Aquaman have a heart-to-heart discussion about responsibilities and letting people down. Aquaman, who just let Mera and Atlantis and all of the readers of DC Comic books everywhere down by teaming up with The Others, gives her this advice: "Just make sure the person you let down isn't you." Normally that's good advice but only when it's me not letting me down. When the advice leads Aquaman to star in the most boring comic book I've ever read, I think it's horrible advice. He should not be letting Mera and Atlantis down even if what he really wants is to bang the fuck out of Ya'wara.

Since Wonder Woman and Aquaman (or Swamp Thing even!) aren't the world's greatest detectives, they give up pretty quickly on figuring out what destroyed the villages. Plus Aquaman said it's okay to let down the people expecting this mystery to be solved! So Wonder Woman, not wanting to let herself down, heads back to Paradise Island to make sure the boys and girls are getting along. Once there, she discovers another mystery: The Case of the Destroyed Clay Mother Statue! See?! Wonder Woman wasn't talking about water at all! She was talking about her mom! Unless she was talking about the water which eroded and destroyed her mom statue. Look, I'm not the world's greatest detective either, okay?!

Wonder Woman #36 Rating: Not even close to as bad as I was expecting it to be! Whether or not you have any problems with the characterization, I think you have to admit that the writing and dialogue is competently handled. Except maybe the vegetative injustice scene. And after the first few pages, the book didn't rely on Narration Boxing at all.

This version of Wonder Woman is much closer to the Justice League version of Wonder Woman than the Azzarello version of Wonder Woman. And even though it's the Justice League version of Wonder Woman that everybody hates when they talk about how wrong the New 52 version of Wonder Woman is, lots of people seem to hate Azzarello's version of Wonder Woman simply because of the story about the Amazons raping and killing sailors. So anti-feminist to criticize the Amazons for living the way they want to live! Also, I heard the sailors were asking for it. You should have seen what they were wearing!