Guess who had a cookie today?! Me!
I really love waffle fries too, so I guess that's like a totally manly man thing to do. Some time when I meet a super hot chick that's totally the kind of woman that manly men would go for, I'm going to sidle up to her and say, "Hey, my little chile pepper. How'd you like to go back to my place. We could eat waffle fries and marathon some Mad Men." And she'll be all, "Which seasons?" And I'll be all, "Four and five of the former, garlic salt and a dash of red pepper flakes on the latter. I mean, the other way around. Dammit! I totally screwed that up." Then we'd probably wind up married or something with like dozens of kids cause I probably have super sperm being that I'm so super manly. And she'd probably die in child birth on the 25th kid and I'd be so sad and despondent but at the funeral, all the ladies would be all, "Want to do it in the casket?" And I'd be all, "Oh yeah!" Then they'd see me opening my wife's casket and they'd be all, "No, no! We meant in an empty one!" Then I'd totally blush and act embarrassed which would be so super manly that all of their clothes would fall right off and even the priest would have to admit that he was turned on a little by my manliness.
I probably shouldn't brag so much about my gift! You poor comic book loving dorks are probably super envious of me right now and wishing you were half as manly as I am. Well, I have some advice for you: stop wearing those superhero t-shirts that look like they were airbrushed in a kiosk at the state fair. Those are totally not manly. Also, eat more corndogs in public. That's super hot.
Okay, stop thinking about my manliness! It's time to concentrate on Futures End where Lois Lane is holding a press conference to get as many people as possible to visit her website. Hey! That's a good idea! I bet one of the crappy local news station in this area would be willing to do a story on me since I live in the area and am local and they're total fucking whores who don't really report real news anyway.
Is it really an international coverup? Or is it just an out of control corporation with the world's deadliest mercenary slash superhero bounty hunter on its payroll?
Back on Green Arrow Island (narcissist much?), Animal Man and his brood come for a visit. Looks like Buddy and Ollie have become fast friends after all that flirting they've been doing over in Justice League United. Or Canada. Whatever!
It's been five years and Cliffy hasn't returned from the dead? What kind of second-rate comic book world is this?
Opposite this page was a nightmare inducing advertisement for SuperHeroStuff.com. Although I think I might want to fuck Robin now while slapping the stupid grin from Nightwing's face.
Meanwhile in Tunguska, Constantine and Superman (and some Brainiac devotee named Midge (should I remember her?!)) meet up with Ursa Major, some cosmic Brainiac Bear that, I suppose, arrived in 1908 according to the best television show to ever show on television, In Search Of. Although they might not have mentioned the bear back then. I think that was a secret up until now.
Speaking of a bear, have you read N. Scott Momaday's The Ancient Child? I don't know who it would resonate with but it spoke to me while in college as I was in a major transformative time of my life. It didn't hurt that it revolved around the Kiowa myth of Devil's Tower, an object I practically revered as a young child. Just, you know, a book suggestion for all you college kids!
Constantine tells Superman that he needs to go back home to stop Brainiac and his harvesting. I think. I hate to admit any weakness being that I'm hypermasculine, but I'm really not quite sure what it's all about. The Bear told Superman he would be spared because Brainiac liked his dad. But he doesn't seem to offer an alternative to Earth being harvested!
Back in Pittsburgh, Ronnie and Madison try to come to terms with being merged together permanently.
That sly dog! Jason mentions Madison thinking about Tim's cock because he wants her to start thinking about Tim's cock!
Futures End #31 Rating: +1 Ranking. This comic book is a lot better when it takes its time with its scenes. I think because there were so many "deaths" last issue, the writers felt the story could use a little down time this issue. Plus Ronnie Raymond needed to be buried. I'm mostly excited to watch Buddy and Oliver's friendship develop into the close friendship seen in this issue. And since Jeff Lemire is working on both, I'm optimistic that he'll continue to develop it over in Justice League United. Or Canada. Whatever!