Thursday, December 18, 2014

Action Comics #37

Come on, Superman! You couldn't save the kid's bike while you were at it?! Ass.

Last issue, Lana Lang had found herself living every horror movie ever made. I think an alien that was raised on Earth horror movies moved to Smallville and thought humans liked living in terror of everything, so it spruced the place up with horrific fog, mindless zombies, creepy Hearses, and brainwashed citizens bent on world domination through screaming and more brainwashing. I bet there's even a singing plant making some nudnik rich and famous beyond his wildest dreams.

Superman entered Horrorville to save the day but found himself trapped as well. Hopefully he doesn't get brainwashed because I'm tired of Superman constantly losing control of himself and just proving every paranoid asshole in America right that Superman is too dangerous to be free.

Hiro (Toymaster) has also been helping Superman try to save Smallville because Hiro doesn't have anything else to do and Greg Pak kind of reinvented Toymaster to make him as annoying as possible, so Pak has to use him every chance he fucking gets. I guess Hiro is the new Jimmy Olsen. Jimmy was over the moment Scott Lobdell made him a rich bastard.

Oh no! Now it's Malachi and He Who Walks Behind the Rows!

As soon as Superman is beset upon by the children of the barely a veg, he has a flashback to when he was about eight years old and there was a fire in the cornfield near school. He tries to save the day but there's this monster (He Who Walks Behind The Rows!) and then the flashback ends without a satisfactory conclusion! Just like life! And most bouts of sex! Although I think failing to orgasm and then weeping into your pillow while sobbing, "Mommy! Mommy!" is a sort of conclusion in itself.

Superman wakes up in Steel and Lana's bed. I hope they washed the sheets before bringing him in after all that anal sex they engaged in last issue. He's probably covered in shitty lube now.

Everybody in town continues to go about their business as if Smallville wasn't engulfed in a deadly mist or as if none of them were possessed by an alien entity. The only people that don't seem affected by the fog are John, Lana, and Superman. That's because they're the only characters that matter. You can't force the reader to feel emotionally attached to every person in the DC Universe! Some of them just have to be set dressing.

Hiro also winds up getting dragged into the mist by a bunch of tentacles before he can alert Batman that there's a problem. But then Hiro probably wasn't going to alert Batman since Batman would have stolen the mist's teleportation ability before Hiro could earn millions of dollars off of it. And he would have, too! Fucking Bruce Wayne.

Hiro looks like he's caught in a worm infested version of

While the citizens of Smallville try to possess the minds of Superman, Steel, and Lana, Superman and John make the tentacled hole Hiro is caught in look even more like as they slide their hands inside and try to pull it open even further. Superman can't concentrate though so he freezes the citizens with his cold breath before going back to forcing the hole open.

Holy fuck! Is this what the guy was trying to get out of his asshole?!

Nice job, Toymaster. Now Smallville is overrun by teleporting clouds, brainwashed yokels, and monstrous aliens. Everybody is fucked.

Action Comics #37 Rating: No change. I think Lana Lang is a superhero now. Since she's an electrical engineer, suddenly she can read brainwaves and sense changes in atmospheric ionization. If that's a thing! She can probably also tell if your remote control batteries are dead just by licking them. Pretty soon she'll be flying around using the power of static electricity and shooting lightning bolts from her eyes. Why not, right? It's just science!

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