Tuesday, December 16, 2014

Star Spangled War Stories #4

Dead comic walking!

That wasn't a zombie joke! That was a joke about how this comic book has already been canceled. Although I guess that kind of makes it a zombie joke as well! Maybe I shouldn't try to control every aspect of how a reader is going to interpret what I write? I should just accept that once I let my baby loose into the world, it's going to get slaughtered by a bunch of rabid, asshole internet trolls. My poor, poor, stupid baby.

Last issue ended with GI Zombie being overwhelmed by other zombies, so this issue begins with a military helicopter evacuation of a wounded soldier. Totally makes sense. It's about time this comic book acknowledged the "war story" part of its name. It's the only reason I keep buying it! I love my war stories! They show human beings at their best and their worst! Mostly Americans at their best and everybody else at their worst! Plus people blow up constantly and get shot in the face! They're always full of tanks and battleships and Nazi War Wheels and dinosaurs and General Ghosts and GI Zombies! Just like real war!

I also love war comics because I'm a huge patriot and a big supporter of war. If you don't support war, you're a freedom hating communist and I'll have nothing to do with you. You probably just want to burn my flag and call it "freedom of speech" instead of what it really is: treason of the highest order! Do you know those flags represent dead soldiers?! How dare you burn a flag and not hurt anybody at all in protest? I should fucking shoot you in the face with my gun that I'm constitutionally allowed to have, you hippie!

On a lighter note, the United States of America's government is full of idiots. And, let's face it, they really are mostly on the Republican side. Almost exclusively, for that matter! Remember when they wasted everybody's time trying to get a constitutional amendment to make it illegal to burn flags? What a huge fucking waste of time. Assholes. Stop caring about stupid shit that doesn't matter to anybody at all! If you really wanted hippies to stop burning flags, why didn't you just manufacture them so they're full of CFCs?! That would have stopped them damn hippies in their tracks! And remember how they spent all that fucking time acting as if a blow job were the end of the world? Prudes! Also, remember just recently how the Republicans basically held our country hostage until they got what they wanted? For eight years?! And now they've been rewarded for it? Apparently they've figured out the political strategy for doing whatever they Goddamn please. Act like a victim, throw a tantrum, do nothing. Thanks a lot, Fox News and every fucking moron in this country! Why aren't we rebelling against the Republicans with all of these guns they've allowed us to keep?!

Not that I care about the political system. I'm an anarchist! I cross the street against the light all the time! You can't keep me down with your "laws"!

Awesome! Go America!

Oh wait! That was an American helicopter exploding! Who is writing this comic book? A bunch of San Francisco liberal hippie drug takers?!

The helicopter explosion was a flashback to that time when Tiffany was in the war in whatever country America was invading (all of them?). She survived and now likes to dream about the event and wake up screaming. Then she brushes her teeth and goes back to bed to dream about it some more.

It's okay if you don't remember who Tiffany is. I don't think that's her real name anyway! She's not important to the story. It's not like she's a zombie or anything, right?

"Just shut up and do what you're told, hero!"

GI Zombie runs for his unlife like a huge coward. He climbs up on a roof so he can watch the military murder everybody in town from the air with napalm. He just hangs out up there being the worst, most boring protagonist of a war comic book ever. The next day, Gravedigger brings in more military to clean up and GI Zombie finally climbs down from his hidey-hole.

Why bother with a biological weapon that isn't airborne?! And why use a bomb to disperse it if it isn't airborne? Seems like a bullshit delivery system to me!

Meanwhile somewhere else, Tiffany or Carmen or whatever enjoys a spa day.

Star Spangled War Stories Featuring G.I. Zombie Rating: How do you write a comic book about war in which nothing fucking happens?! The most excitement in the entire story was that helicopter blowing up and it was a flashback. I suppose the zombie suicide truck driver was supposed to make the reader forget that nothing exciting was happening. But then when GI Zombie and Gravedigger react to it in the same way they'd react to seeing a dog piss on a hydrant, it kind of loses its edge. This comic book should end with a zombie cat infecting an actual DC Super Hero like Aquaman or Cyborg. Then have them in the Justice League for months while nobody even notices that they've turned into a zombie.

That conclusion made me realize why comic books probably aren't written for me. I think all the stories I want to see, which would be ridiculous in their own way, would be hated and reviled by comic book fans who seem to accept the nonsense and bullshit that is standard comic book fare that makes my head explode. Stupid comic books. We need to get a divorce!

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