Sunday, December 21, 2014

Grayson #5

Dick and balls! Merry Christmas!

Last issue, Dick was given a new assignment at Hadrian's Finishing School for Horny Young Women. He will now be teaching a class on acrobatics. He must also teach the class in his new persona of Jacques de Constamment, Frenchman whose ever-present erection in his tights is not due to the nubile young women in his class rolling about with their sexy parts jiggling or bending over to display their engorged, female packages outlined by their tight uniforms, but the thoughts of their strong, tight-assed, shirtless brothers practicing rowing at Oxford and Cambridge.

This issue begins with possibly the best scene so far in The New 52.

I bet it ends with the mother dying and Midnighter running off with the baby calling Apollo on his communicator yelling, "I've got one! I've got one!"

The warbird crashes in a desert as the baby is delivered safely. But the mother dies. I think this is how the movie "Two Gay Men, A Hard Assed Bitch, and A Baby" began. If all of the adults die in the desert, the baby will also die. Therefore, the baby should be their first meal when they're about to starve. After they've finished eating the placenta and the mother, of course.

ARGUS's EMP probably fried all of the communication devices, so the team are on their own two hundred miles from the nearest city.

What's the best way to prepare baby?

Shouldn't Apollo be sitting up on The Carrier with a feeling that Midnighter is in trouble. Then he can fly down to Earth and use his Gaydar to find him. Is that how Gaydar works?

They begin their trek across two hundred miles of desert. How long does it take to walk two hundred miles? Can't take more than a few hours, right? Can't Midnighter run it with his super legs and super lungs? Although when Midnighter announces within one minute of the crash that they're all dead, that means they're all dead, right? He can look at every aspect of a situation and calculate all the possibilities in just a few seconds. If Midnighter can't see a way out then there isn't a way out!

Midnighter comes up with the same plan I came up with! Eat the baby! Although he has more information that's probably pertinent to their situation.

I was wondering if the Spyral Hypnos implant was still working after the EMP.

Somehow the baby has Paragon's heart inside of it. I guess that's the easiest way to smuggle a super organ. Or, if not easiest, maybe most secretive? The Midnighter is a callous bastard that's only thinking about survival. I like him! But Dick Grayson, Mr. Too Nice For His Own Good, would probably rather die than sacrifice the baby to survive. The only reason he's fighting to get back to civilization is to save the baby. And the only way the baby dies is if Grayson dies trying to save it. No other options exist. Probably. Maybe some option involving The Batman still exists! Does Batman have a secret cache of emergency supplies buried somewhere in this desert?

They continue their journey for two more days as Midnighter explains the situation to Grayson (probably for the hundredth time). Midnighter's power is to see possibilities. He points out Helena is wounded and won't make it another day. In another day, Helena drops. But what is it that Midnighter can't see with his ability to see all possible outcomes? Is he blind to the motives and actions of a guy that truly puts other people first? Can Midnighter simply not see how Grayson will react because Grayson's personality is so foreign to anything Midnighter has ever encountered in his arrogant, cynical, survivalist life with Stormwatch?

I bet Batman once forced Dick to walk further with less supplies in a harsher environment!

On Day 5, Midnighter challenges Dick to a fight for the baby. Dick keeps walking. Day 6, Midnighter is still discussing the fight. Dick keeps walking. Day 7, Midnighter is losing steam. Dick's still walking. Batman sure knows how to train his kids!

Maybe Dick is gaining energy from the heart by keeping the baby close. He's like a cat and he's stealing the baby's breath at night!

After this, I'm starting to think a Batman/Midnighter fight will just be anticlimactic.

Day 9 and Dick's still walking. How slow is he going? Jesus! Pick up the pace!

Dick tells the baby a dream about how you do what's right even if you're facing certain death. You still stand up and you do what you have to do.

On Day 10, Dick collapses with the baby in his arms. But Arabic Ma and Pa Kent come to the baby's rescue! And, probably, Dick's as well. I'm sure Dick will give them the baby instead of taking the baby to Spyral where it will get its heart ripped out! And then the baby can grow up to be Arabic Superman! And then I can go fishing with my grandfather and I'll say, "Grandfather. What's prejudiced?" And he'll say, "Where'd you hear that word?" And I'll say, "Well, I was talking to Arabic Superman and he...." And grandfather will interrupt me and say, "What? There's a fucking Arabic Superman?! Holy shit!"

Holy shit! A fucking Arabic Superman!

Oh yeah, Helena and Midnighter also survive. Midnighter is traded back to Stormwatch for the return of Agent 19, whoever that is. And, as you can see, the baby is presumed dead.

Grayson #5 Rating: +1 Ranking. Sorry, Swamp Thing. But your Machine Queen issue doesn't even compare to this issue of Grayson. When is DC Comics going to have a company wide meeting in which they compare a story like this to those other shitty stories which rely on Narration Boxes to get their message across? Look how elegant this story was? And just think how easily it could have been ruined with Narration Boxes. I suppose, as well, that Narration Boxes themselves don't ruin a story. Some writers know when to use them and to best utilize them. It's just that when I see lots and lots of Narration Boxes, I'm instantly wary because they're often just used as a crutch for a writer with poor comic book scripting skills.

No comments:

Post a Comment