Batman and Robin #36

Are there people who actively sought out these horrible Lego covers? Fuck Lego!

Last issue, Damian was still dead. He probably doesn't get to come back to life until DC Comics can ask $7.99 for Robin Rises #2. This issue, Batman, Cyborg, Batgirl, Red Robin, Red Hood, and Titus had all made their way to Apokolips to die. Or save Damian. Whichever happens first. Which will obviously be the dying one. Because they're on Apokolips! Maybe they'll survive because this will take place at the same time that the Earth-2 Invasion Force invades! Then all the Apokoliptians will be too distracted to deal with a bunch of kids and their dumb dog.

Oh my god! I bet Glorious Godfrey gets his mask torn off and he's actually Old Man McGrew, the real estate mogul!

The issue begins with Batman knocking out Godfrey and running off to find Damian while ignoring the Apokoliptian skin infection he's contracted. Cyborg and the Bat-Kids (Saturday morning cartoon anyone?) spend a few pages in a confusing battle against multiple Apokoliptian threats. I barely understand how one panel leads to another but I do know one thing.

Batgirl looks sexy in her Robin threads and on all fours atop a pile of skulls and rib cages!

Batman might be unstoppable on Apokolips in his Hellbat outfit but the Hellbat outfit itself is draining his life force and killing him. That's because it's too ridiculously powerful and needs a drawback or else every time a comic book fan reads a Batman story where he's not in the Hellbat suit, they'd ask, "Why isn't Batman in the Hellbat suit?" I suppose if he used the Hellbat suit to stop normal gang members in Gotham City, he'd accidentally kill most of them. But then maybe he'd respect and understand Superman's position a bit more! Superman could accidentally kill every person he ever meets if it weren't for his unlimited patience and self-control.

Hee hee. That was a joke about Superman having unlimited patience and self-control! In reality, he just punches everything until it's out of commission. Of course, he should be written with unlimited patience and self-control since nothing on Earth can kill him. But he enjoys punching people in the jaw too much.

Batman destroys every thing Kalibak's army can throw at him. Which is why Kalibak sends in the Godzilla tanks!

After this day, Batman will be the Apokoliptian bogeyman invoked to scare children into finishing killing the other children.

Cyborg and the Bat-Kids follow the trail and/or swathe of destruction right to the foot of the Hellbat suit. Batgirl's ass continues to look fantastic in those Robin pants. I think I have a BOOM Tube opening up in my pants.

A lot of truly unbelievable comic book stuff has happened so far in this Robin Rises series but I think this takes the cake. Weapons of Apokolips have stun settings?!

Batman, Cyborg, and the Bat-Kids destroy the Chaos Cannon and defeat Kalibak. But everything up until this point was foreplay. You know, terrifically fun for what its worth but mostly because you know its building to a great big orgasm. And that orgasm has finally arrived! You know I mean Darkseid, right?

Batman and Robin #36 Rating: I don't have a lot to say about the story in this. It's a lot of action and it's moving the plot forward to the ultimate confrontation between Batman and Darkseid. Batman needs to confront Darkseid for some reason. Maybe Batman needs the power of Darkseid's Omega Beams to kickstart Robin's resurrection process? I don't know. Whatever. The thing this comic book has shown me is that DC Comics needs a book starring all of the Bat-Kids. Forget all these books with Batman in the title, or the Bat-Kids teaming up with other heroes and Roy Harper. I want a book with Red Hood, Red Robin, Batgirl, and Damian all working together! Dick can stop by for the occasional story and to show Jason Todd where Barbara's heart and secret heart really lie. By secret heart, I mean vagina. That's a book I want to read! Not Secret Vagina Heart! The Bat-Kids!

Okay. Maybe Secret Vagina Heart too.