Batman Eternal #37

I want lots of awesome stuff. My New Years Resolution is to become Catwoman.

I probably check Facebook on a daily basis but I don't really use it for any reason. I don't wish people Happy Birthday even when Facebook reminds me that it's somebody's birthday. I don't post status updates. I don't play Facebook games. And I certainly don't do the "Year in Review" thing since, well, what will there be to review? I used to link my Tumblr to my Facebook but I figure the only thing that accomplished was getting a bunch of friends and relatives to block me from their news feed. Anyway, today I logged on and Facebook decided to show me what my Year was like with a preview of a Year in Review thing.

My year was adorable.

At the end of last issue, we found out that either The Riddler was behind Gotham City falling apart or he knew who was and figured it was time to help Batman figure it out as well. Mostly he just wants to make up more riddles because he's got a bit of an obsessive personality.

I bet I know who's behind it all! Catwoman! It's all a big trick to get Batman to admit that he loves her! I don't know how it's meant to accomplish that because it's so convoluted. But sometimes that's what it takes to reach a humorless man that has never been in a real relationship with anybody his entire life. He pays the man that's closest to being a family member and expects him to clean his house and wait on him. All of his wards were trained to fight at his side instead of being kept safe and spoiled and pampered and educated. Most of the women he dates he either never sees again, or they die, or they're super villains. He keeps the only thing on Earth that can kill his best friend on a ring in his Batcave. You know, just in case. You need a big plan to ensnare a guy with those kinds of trust issues.

Catwoman nearly gets assassinated by some guy in a Japanese mask with a flaming sword. Right in her own Egyptian Club Casino, Bar and Grill. I guess she really has hit the big time.

While I'm on the subject of Catwoman, will somebody put together a history of New 52 Selina Kyle for me? Please! Last thing I knew about her past is that she was a street orphan and I think she ran around with another kid that might have been her brother? But then later as an adult, just before she became Catwoman, she discovered something about her family and her name and the Russians or something? And now she seems to accept that she's the daughter of Rex Calabrese? Did I miss something somewhere or is everybody else just as confused as I am? Has DC just decided to dump Selina's past as written by Ann Nocenti and chosen to just graft on some Preboot Selina history? But even that's wrong, right?! Wasn't she Falcone's daughter? Does any of it make sense? Maybe I should just move on to the next scene which should make more sense.

Hmm. Okay. Next scene then?

Batman is currently out looking for Arkham inmates who escaped during the building's collapse. Killer Croc isn't one of them. I guess eating people he finds in the sewers isn't against the law. So Batman runs off to find a villain that should be locked up while Catwoman decides to offer Killer Croc a job.

The ex-Arkham inmates have decided to form a little gang to try to take over Gotham (again) while chaos reigns (also again).

But why would Ivy want to follow you after what you did to her at the end of Detective Comics #15? I don't know what it was because it ended with a "Fin?" before it could happen, but I'm fairly certain it was rape-esque.

Spying on the Villains Anonymous meeting is a black cat with a kitty spycam around its neck. The make and quality look to be Alice Tesla's work. And I'm really trying not to hate Alice Tesla simply because Ann Nocenti created her. If she appears in this book, she'll have real, honest-to-goodness writers penning her dialogue, so she shouldn't annoy me too much.

Another strange meeting is taking place in a shitty diner. This one stars Harvey Bullock and Maggie Sawyer. Bullock might seem a lot rough around the edges, but I bet Maggie knows he's a decent enough guy when you get right down to it because he has cats. And nobody that has and loves cats can be a bad person. They might not be polite people. And they might tell you to your face that they hate your stupid guts. But that doesn't mean they're not good people. Cats are good judges of character. Dogs, on the other hand, love anybody, no matter how despicable.

Jason Bard tries to ask Bullock and Sawyer for help because he's suddenly looking for the honest cops to help turn around this shit he helped start. But they don't want anything to do with him because he's a huge dickhole.

And then Catwoman sets up a Batsignal to reel in her prey. I mean, so she can show Batman some footage from her Kitty Cam. Did that sound dirty? I think that sounded dirty.

Oh yeah. It was definitely dirty.

Finally, Batwing calls up Penny-Two for information about g-g-g-g-ghosts!

Batman Eternal #37 Rating: No change. I'm trying to do three commentaries per day so I can finally catch back up to the current week's comics by January 7th. But holy shit am I burning out quick! That's my excuse for the horrible quality of the next thirty commentaries! I'm rushing, I'm burned out, and I need some other kind of stimulation in my life! Not that kind of stimulation! Okay, maybe that kind of stimulation. But with cookies.