Thursday, December 25, 2014

Batgirl #37

This is how happy I would be if Batman would hurry the fuck up and get dad out of jail.

Dear Diary,

Guess who got laid?! Probably everybody but me! Why won't any guys stick their ding dong inside of me? I'm hot! I'm young! I'm super duper cute! Okay, so maybe I've got a weird hobby that kind of keeps me from getting too attached to anybody. But who wants to be attached?! I'm just looking to attach myself to a guy in one icky sticky way, see? HUGE MANGA WINK! Anyswayze, when I did finally find a guy whose penis I tried to find out how many licks to get to the center of, my dad arrested him and his brother died and his mother made the best tamales so I put on like five pounds and was too embarrassed to take my shirt off in front of him. I totally didn't even care that he was missing a leg! That probably would have just made his penis look bigger, right?

I think I might have a chance with Jason Todd but that might seem a little weird, right Diary? Would you have sex with a zombie that was kind of like your brother? Maybe I should try out for the Teen Titans. I hear they pass each other around like a box of tissues. Spunk in one, toss it away, move on to the next one hanging out of the box with its legs spread wide. I hear they even have a cute gay guy on their team. What was his name? Bummer? Punker? Bunger? Something like that.

Anyway, Diary, I should probably tell you the fun and exciting and slightly transphobic things that happened to me this week!

So it all began with me getting in a fist fight with myself!

I just fucking designed this costume and this ho-bag went and copied it? Where'd she get the fucking pattern?! And the yellow boots! You know how long it took me to find these cute yellow Docs?!

Did I tell you I've been working with Qadir ever since he made me that grappling hook and I totally saved his super motorcycles?! He's kind of nerdy looking with the glasses and a bit of nerd mouth happening and he's a bit stinky cause he's just not overly concerned about his appearance but boy is he smart! He's all like, "I'm over here saving the world, tutt tutt tutt! I don't have time to roll on sports deodorant! Tutt tutt! Anybody up for a game of the Dungeons and Dragons later?" He does kind of give me a lady boner though. I bet he masturbates thinking about how our meetings might have turned out if he'd only try to kiss me and maybe touch my butt a little bit. Am I too intimidating?! I mean, you've seen my butt, right Diary? You'd want to touch it, right?!

Oh God I need the sex!

Qadir built me a whole new phone with a blinding flash because he's like my Q. Oh! His name even begins with a Q! What a strange coincidence! You can't make up stuff like that!

Anyswayze, later I got all slutted up and hit the Dagger Type art show with my best friends.

Even with Super Grump Face, Dinah makes us all look like a pair of panties worn straight through Leak Week. Sometimes I hate that fabulous looking bitch.

Okay, Diary, ready for the Twistcockian hitch? The art show was all huge, sexy pictures of me! Can you believe it?! I mean, they weren't as hot as if I had actually modeled for them. They were obviously that bloody rag that's been running around pretending to be me. And can you remind me why I'm still hanging out with Dinah?! She thought the whole thing was a great big hilarious joke! Eww! I wish she still owned some stuff so I could burn that stuff up too!

The worst part was the picture of Batgirl in a wheelchair. Remember how somebody knew who I was, Diary! This Dagger Type knew about my wheelchair days! Well, I was going to solve this mystery if I had to knock out Dinah's teeth to do it! Oh how I wanted to knock out Dinah's teeth! This was my third case since moving to Burnside (unless it was my fourth!) and it needed a name: The Mystery of the Horribly Pretentious Artist With The Stupid Name!

Being the World's Greatest Detective That Isn't A Huge Asshole, I followed the clues which led straight to a book on American Sign Language. After reading it, I realized the photos were all signing things! At first, I thought they were saying, "I'm horny for a raccoon helicopter cookie." But then I turned the book over and realized the signs were telling me to meet somebody at the base of the Burnside Bridge! The showdown was eminent! I mean imminent! Is that what I mean? One of those!

This case had a mini-case tucked into the maxi-case: The Mystery of Dinah Being a Huge Cunty McCunt Cunt.

How was I going to get Dinah to forgive me? Was I going to have to take out a loan from The Bank of Bruce Wayne so I could buy Dinah another Dojo?! Except Hush had recently wiped out Batman's bank account, so I guess I needed to find a new rich mentor. What about Booster Gold? He sounds rich! And what happened to that Green Team? Holy cocks! I should have joined that team! MONEY MONEY BO BUNNY FANANA BANA MO MO MO MONEY!

Anyswayze, Fake Batgirl finally showed up in a solid gold uniform that made me throw up in my mouth a little bit and also pee my pants a little bit too. Since I'm not dead and I'm right here writing in you, Diary, you probably already figured out who beat up who, right? Well, kind of, anyway. I unmasked Fake Me and it turned out to be Dagger Type! The Horribly Pretentious Artist With The Stupid Name! The title of the mystery gave it all away! But I lost Dagger Type when I had to dodge a bullet and take a dive into Gotham Bay. Luckily I knew where Dagger Type would be showing up later that night! Dagger Type was going to reveal the identity of Batgirl! Oh no! Are you as super nervous as I was then, Diary?!

Don't worry. It was just Dagger Type doing some weird art thing that nobody understood. The audience failed to be impressed so Dagger Type tried to kill us all. Good thing my Q set me up with just the right gadget to take down Dagger Type! Isn't that the way all of those double-O seven movies work?

I think Dagger Type's big mistake was losing the red hair in the reveal. And possibly the boobs. And, really, Dagger Type's ass couldn't compare to mine, so nobody in the room was impressed with Dagger Type's sagging ass cheeks! Plus nobody goes in for that overly pretentious art imitating life imitating art imitating life imitating art crap anymore. The cops came and took Dagger Type away but not before I found out Dagger Type had a patron that asked for the wheelchair photo! Which means the person who knows my identity is still out there! GASP! SHOCKER! WHATTA TWIST!

I don't want to neglect to tell you about my other huge lady boner that night! Somebody call 911 because my basement just flooded! HUGE MANGA WINK!

Oy vey! My dad would kill me if I brought home a cop! Although who needs to bring him home, right, Diary? He probably wouldn't mind being used by a young woman out looking to get this huge elephant in the room out of her pants! But then again, his name is Liam. I don't think I could moan "LIAM" without cracking myself up.

I ended the night tonight with Dinah taking my picture atop the Burnside Bridge because I've gotta take control of how the neighborhood sees me. I can't let them think I'm some wild, crazy, thieving, murdering asshole. Also, I don't want them to think that I'm a prude! I want to be approachable! I want to give off a vibe that says, "I'm single and ready to pork your brains out, Gotham!"

Batgirl #37 Rating: +1 Ranking. Still adorable. Although I think the Dinah feud can wrap up any time now. Babs was right last commentary when she wanted to call Black Canary "Petty Canary." Holy fuck she's being mean to Babs! Just drop it already! Or go move in with Condor and leave Babs alone.

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