Tuesday, December 2, 2014

Batgirl #36

Super flying double punch, BIATCHES!

Dear Diary,
I think I'm going to start calling Dinah "Petty Canary" because she just won't drop the whole "I burnt down all of her stuff" thing! Come on! It's been like a week or something since that happened. And it wasn't like I wanted to burn up all of her clothes. Just most of them! LOL! She dresses like my mom! I've apologized to her like nine thousand times and she's all, "Grump grump grump grump old person old person blah blah blah I love to suck Condor's dick." And then I have to pretend like I couldn't just kick her ass and force her to apologize because we're supposed to be best friends and best friends don't talk about who would win in a fight even though everybody knows it would be me. HELLO! Trained under Batman here! Um, eww, not literally!

Although I did sometimes wind up under Dick while sparring. Mmm. Spandex does not do a good job of concealing boners!

Anyswayze, Black Canary's barely talking to me but I still had to go shopping with her to help her pick up some new clothes. If I didn't go with her, she'd probably come home with a bunch of sweaters with cats on them and fishnet stockings under acid washed Daisy Dukes! And then she'd be all, "Do you think Condom will like this?" (Condom is what I call Condor, Diary! It's like the perfect nickname because his head totally looks like a used scumbag!) And then I'd have to pretend I needed to pee really badly so I could run in the bathroom and laugh my ass off.

If she doesn't start talking to me soon and forgive me, I'm just going to kick her out of my apartment once and for all! Except I'll have to find a way to do it so that she doesn't get mad at me! Don't want my head exploding! LOL!

So later, I met some people on the floor of my new office at Burnside College where I'm totally doing thesis work and brainy crap like that. Gonna rock me a PHD, wut!

This is Jeremy of Groot. He was totally trying to look down my shirt and catch some nip action, the adorable old perv.

My research assistant and room away from room roommate is Nadimah who might think I'm a little bit too touchy and excitable.

I was all, "My life is so over!" And she was all, "I can fix that!" And I was all, "Hallelujah praise Batman! Let me kiss you all over, hot stuff!" And she was all, "It's cool."

So I head over to the Robotics Building to pick up that hard drive from Qadir, Nadimah's adorable little nerdy brother. That's where I discovered my second mystery since moving out of Alysia's Den of Board Games and Sin: The Case of the Missing Super Motorcycles! It took all the willpower I had to override the sugar in my system which really wanted to lean super close to Qadir and say, "This sounds like a job for Batgirl *HUGE MANGA WINK*" Instead I played it cool and was all, "Oh, really? A theft, hunh? Sure hope somebody smart and cute solves that one soon!" Then I swaggered on out of there leaving nerd drool all over the tiles. Probably. I mean, I am pretty hot, coming and going! Especially coming! *HUGE MANGA WINK!*

And then on my way to meet Frankie to recover my computer data, I found a clue to my new mystery!

I think this clue is going to crack the case wide open!

The women riding the stolen bikes were wearing the shortest skirts! They must have some real confidence! Their vadges were one thin piece of fabric away from slopping up the seats of those super bikes! How could they not? If I were out in public in a skirt like that, I'd barely be able to walk from all of the sexual tension building up between my legs. I'd be all, "If I bend over, that cute guy is going to get an eyeful of Bat-muffin!" And then my stomach would feel like it was full of heated charcoal and my whole body would probably shudder as I pictured his stiffening rod as he checked out my beautiful girl package. Whew, Diary. I better change the subject or it's going to be Dear Bathtub Faucet pretty soon here!

So I ran out to confront those skeeves and get Qadir's bikes back and you know what they did, Diary? They tried to floopin' kill me! I'm trying to curse less, Diary, so when I say floopin', you know what I really mean! Hmm, does that make it better? Why not just say fuckin' then? Oh! OH! I know why! I forgot how randy I was from the last paragraph and that word just about set me off again. Boy, I sure wish Dick wasn't dead *HUGE MANGA WINK!* Not that he ever tried anything with me while he wasn't pretend dead anyway, the stupid fool. He could have spelunked every single one of my precious caves!

So since they tried to kill me, I had to bravely retreat in a brave fashion that was super brave.

I was all, "OMG! You sluts know Atomina too?! I used to love that cartoon!"

Atomina was this anime I used to watch when I was a little Batgirl and in one episode, she fought some biker robot bitches named The Jawbreakers. And now I was going to have to battle the real live versions of those cartoon characters! Life in Gotham is weird!

To do some research and maybe find some more clues since my first clue tried to kill me and then got away, I headed over to the Hipster Toy Store, Robot Pony. It's one of those places where they call toys "art" and every toy line is just the same molded plastic shape with different paint jobs. And the clerk there was all, "I'm so into obscure shit! La dee da da da! I never watch the American versions of any Japanese cartoons because the soul has been sucked out of them and they've been watered down to show to children and blah dee blah blah blah I masturbate to Sailor Moon porn." Although he was helpful in pointing me to the two girls who probably stole the bikes, so I should probably be less venomous when writing about him in you, Diary. But he wasn't cute enough to be rude, so screw him and his bow tie.

Anyswayze, long diary entry not as long as I was planning on making it because I hear Mr. Bathtub Faucet calling, I tracked down The Jawbreakers (or The Mouth-Death Twins as they were known in the original Japanese version of Atomina, Science Battle Hero Nuclear! I learned all that from Robot Pony Guy! And I remembered it all because I can't forget anything! Help! LOL!). But I couldn't figure out how to defeat them until I remembered the episode of the cartoon they were in and how Atomina defeated them!

Go go Gadget Gadget!

So of course I caught them, 'natch! Although I crashed the bikes a few times battling The Jawbreakers. Whoops! Anylazy, I can't be held accountable for any damage caused to the bikes while retrieving them! If the bikes were damaged, the guys who built them should have done a better job building them! I learned that from The Batman and his rules about not killing criminals. If they die in the custody of the police or later at the hospital, it wasn't his fault! But get this! There was like a huge M. Night Shamalamadingdang twist to the whole mystery! Turns out...*I* was the villain! Um, don't ask me how! But The Jawbreakers said I called the hit on myself and helped the girls steal the bikes. WHUT?! What kind of dumb fucking insane stupid more-popular-than-she-should-be slut would call out a hit on herself, amirite?

And then later, Frankie met me at school and was all, "So is this guy sitting right here in front of you the guy you said was possible reverse jailbait?" And I was all, "BLUSH! DIE! LIFE OVER!" And that was my week, Diary! Now, you tuck yourself up nice and cozy under the mattress here and don't worry about any weird splashing, moaning sounds you hear coming from the bathroom, okay? Good night!

Batgirl #36 Rating: How cute is this book? So cute! And having not done this in awhile because it was boring but was a decent measure of how much story is packed into each book, I counted the average panels per page on this book. Over nine! Holy fuck! That's a lot of story for your dollar! Pick this book up, nerds!

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