Superman Loves Wonder Woman #13

Superhero prom was a blast! Superman even lost his eye in the dance-off!

Last issue was Charles Soule's last issue which is disappointing. But this issue is by Peter J. Tomasi which should be encouraging! But then Jenstanfield basically said this issue ate curried dick. So now I'm nervous that I'm going to like this issue! Also, curried dick sounds delicious! I want to go back to Berlin so I can wander around in the dark covered in currywurst curry and acting arrogant and above the Europeans. Can you believe they think culture is more important than money? Idiots!

Also, Europeans might not think that. How should I know? I'm an American! I don't give any thought at all to what people in the other parts of the world think! I'm sure most thoughts which consume their day have to do with wishing they were born in the greatest country on Earth! I think that's Denmark. Or one of the long Fjordick countries. Those are the countries with the Fjords that look like dicks and are also Nordic. So it's quite the clever thing to call them.

This issue begins five years ago when Superman and Wonder Woman first met eyes across a crowded battlefield full of parademons. It was love at first super sight! You think I'm making that up but I'm on page one and that's what is happening! Kind of. At the very least, the issue is called "Battlefield of Love" which is probably why I came up with the eyes meeting across a battlefield. It was either that or all of the parademons they're slaughtering while feeling their first giddy rush and sexual tinglings of a crush.

They bicker a lot on their first meeting because Superman tries to tell her what to do and Wonder Woman tells Superman he is a huge idiot. Young love!

Is this man hiding the child's eyes from the excessive violence or the fantastic ass? Oh wait. They're in America. I know the answer to that one. The little girl either wants Wonder Woman to blow her horn or fist the parademon.

While the parademons massacre the civilians of Metropolis, Wonder Woman and Superman think it's a good time to get into a philosophical discussion about heroes and weakness and evisceration. I don't know why Batman hasn't butted in to tell them that they're both idiots and that they should not be multitasking at a time like this! But then, Batman is probably too busy multitasking to talk to them.

I watched the first episode of American Horror Story last night and I think I'm peeing blood this morning!

Um, anyway, that probably isn't a huge issue. So Superman thinks constantly lecturing Wonder Woman is the most useful thing he can do during the battle. That's how Bruce treats Selina! So you know Superman is in love!

I just realized something! Comic book relationships might be awful examples of relationships!

But that was the past! What's going on in the present, Superman and Wonder Woman?!

That dress is proof that Planetary exists in The New 52 because Diana obviously borrowed it from Jakita Warner.

Wonder Woman really doesn't understand typewriters because she asks Superman why he doesn't type faster. Regular humans can type too fast to jam up typewriters! Hell, Superman probably can't even type super fast on a laptop without destroying it. But Superman's real problem is that he's not a very good journalist and constantly second guesses everything he begins to type. It's probably because he's using Ernest Hemingway's old typewriter. Why use the typewriter of a lousy writer?! He should be using one of Steinbeck's!

Did Peter J. Tomasi watch an episode of Perfect Strangers before watching this and decide to base his Wonder Woman on Balki? Why doesn't she understand anything?! Why does Superman have to keep explaining everything to her like she's a child?! Did she take a blow to the head recently?

Up in the sky! It's a bird! It's a plane! Oh, wait. It's just Clark Kent and his way too hot girlfriend! Although without the glasses, is this really just Superman in a suit?

I guess it doesn't matter if Clark and Diana are in disguise because I don't recognize them anyway when drawn by Doug Mahnke and Jaime Mendoza!

While Clark and Diana are out on a date surrounded by people pretending not to know who they are, some guys at a nuclear power plant run into a person they think is a Star Sapphire.

I can see how he could make that mistake.

Are all of the people in Peter J. Tomasi's world idiots?! Who sees a guy with a flaming purple skull and thinks, "Love!"? Besides me?

Atomic Skull is working with Major Disaster who used to go by Captain Disaster until he realized that wasn't funny at all.

If I were Major Disaster, I would be worried about working so close to a guy with see-through skin and purple flames who has "atomic" in his name. I also wouldn't feel comfortable helping him break into a nuclear reactor so he can eat the fuel rods! Major Disaster is as stupid as everybody else in this comic book!

Superman and Wonder Woman feel the earthquake caused by Major Disaster and Wonder Woman determines that the earthquake can't be natural because they're in New York City. I think she'd be surprised! At least the possibility of super villains gets Wonder Woman to finally remove that hideous dress! And Superman in a suit decides to finally lose the suit. Does Clark's disguise still work if he pretends he's wearing contacts?

I bet if Clark Kent ever came to Portland, everybody would recognize him as Superman since they'd see just another guy wearing fake glasses. They'd see right through the disguise! Just like they see right through their fake glasses!

Isn't that dangerous? Biting into a fuel rod like that? While in a tornado?

Major Disaster takes out Wonder Woman with hailstones. I'm not sure if I'd call hail a "major" disaster. I guess it can cause a lot of damage to cars but is it really worthy of a visit from FEMA?

Is that a thing? Hot girls like more ice? Is it because they're so hot that they can't cool down? I'm just going to pretend like that other panel never happened.

Atomic Skull adds some nuclear knuckle sandwiches to the menu and Major Disaster finishes the whole thing off with a bunch of lightning strikes. Then as Major Disaster and Atomic Skull fly off to meet up with the brains of whatever new outfit they've joined, they're captured by a new guy named Wonderstar. His chest emblem is a penis entering a butthole. No, no. Seriously.

Okay, maybe it's representative of titty fucking.

Superman Loves Wonder Woman #13 Rating: Sometimes I have a hard time distinguishing between a comic book I enjoyed and a comic book I simply enjoyed commenting on! I kind of liked this issue in the whole Challenge of the Superfriends way in that Superman and Wonder Woman got to battle a couple of B-list villains (I don't care how powerful Atomic Skull might be. He's still B-list (and that might be generous)). But I wasn't happy to see Wonder Woman being portrayed as a clueless foreigner. And Superman really was acting a lot like Bruce in the way he treated Diana on their first meeting in the fight against Darkseid. Why wasn't he lecturing Green Lantern or Batman or The Flash? Oh, wait. I think it has something to do with the organ they use for pissing. Also, holy Christ! That dress was hideous.