Happy Fuzzy Warm Funtime Squad #5

Oh boy! Another crack team that doesn't have any disposable members on it! Except, I suppose, the various Man-Bats. But who cares if any of those die?

Until this comic book starts killing off members, it will from hence on be called Happy Fuzzy Warm Funtime Squad! Unless I used "hence" incorrectly! And maybe spelled it wrong. And then from now on, it will be called that thing I said I was going to call it.

Hey kids! Ready for some funtime super fuzzy squeaky action? We're going to get as excited as your mother when they finally fixed the water pressure on the shower head! Boy, rinsing out shampoo sure is a pain without adequate water pressure, am I right kids?!

Hey kids! I want to tell you a secret. Send you parents out of the room for a second. Whine that you want a sandwich or something. Go ahead. I'll wait.

...

Are they gone yet? Great! I'm going to teach you how to swear so that grown ups don't notice! First off, we grab our friendly pronoun "it" by the hand and lead him on over. Just go push him up against any old word that ends in "SH". Can we think of some words like that, kids? I just said one earlier! Yeah! Push! Also, how about banish? Or furnish! Flush works well too! Squish is pretty good because this sounds like a legitimate swear that a kid might say when angry: "Aw, squish it!" Did you hear the swear, kids? Now you can curse like a sailor right in front of your parents and they'll just continue doing their dopey parenting which probably borders on neglect! Try it at Christmas Dinner tomorrow in front of your old fogey grandparents whom you don't think are hip to anything! Although you'd surprised! After dinner, ask them if they ever did any drugs or engaged in group sex! I bet you'll be surprised by the answer! The sixties and seventies were crazy!

Today's Happy Fuzzy Warm Funtime Squad story begins in Amanda Waller's apartment as she begins her day!

See Amanda's weirdly thin waist? Can we say "Eating Disorder"? See Amanda enjoy her breakfast? "Mmm, mmm!" she says. "This bowl of cold water is delicious! Especially when paired with this piping hot mug of hot water and ipecac!"

What's an eating disorder, you ask? Well, you see, it's when you treat food as something other than nourishment! It doesn't matter what that other thing is, kids! It could be a reward or distraction from your true feelings or an evil monster that will take away your life and turn you into a pathetic beast that nobody wants to have anything to do with. That's right, kids! Sometimes that bowl of Spaghetti-Os isn't really a bowl of Spaghetti-Os! Sometimes it's hatred and spite and malice and loss of control and the world spiraling into a dark black abyss! So be careful! Try not to eat anything whenever you're feeling any kind of crazy emotions or you might start linking the food to that emotion! And the next thing you know, you'll be screaming at people to mind their own business as you upchuck in the cafeteria lavatory!

And if any of you smart-aleck kids disagree with me, just remember I'm not a flipping expert! I'm just a Goddamned kid's show host cursed with the job of keeping you entertained while your parents snort coke off of the bathroom sink and think up new lies for you to believe. Like how they're saving for your college fund. Ha ha! That's always a good one! No parent saves for their kid's college fund! Or if they do, they spend it immediately upon realizing their child turned into a selfish, narcissistic asshole (otherwise known as a teenager!).

While Amanda Waller preps for the next mission with a halfway new Happy Fuzzy Warm Funtime Squad, Floyd Lawton (also known as Deadshot!) spends time doing physical therapy. That's because he battled Deathstroke last issue. He's lucky he's not spending time trying out coffins.

"Ha ha! You are doing great!" lies the doctor through gritted teeth and a strained smile. "Ha ha! Keep at it!" "Ha ha!" laughs the doctor uncomfortably as he watches Lawton guzzle down high grade pharmaceuticals. "Ha ha! Nothing will go wrong if you take too many of those!" he says sarcastically. "Ha ha!"

Can any of you kids draw? Pick up some crayons and let's see how good you are! I'm sure one of you out there is better than the artist on this thing! Keep practicing and soon you'll have Tom Derenick and Rob Hunter's jobs! And probably Sean Ryan's as well! Can you all say, "This is a piece of squish it!"?

Deadshot asks Amanda who will be on the next Happy Fuzzy Warm Funtime Squad mission. And she tells him instead of saying, "Why would I tell you, you broken, useless man?" They also discuss how Deathstroke never should have been on the team and how The Joker's Daughter went straight from the battlefield to a mental hospital. We all knew that team was a disaster! It was only put together because Sean Ryan thought he was being clever. But he wasn't being clever. He was being the opposite of clever. The very, very, very opposite!

After all the bureaucratic red tape is figured out (you kids know what that is right? "Red"? It's a color, you ignorant monsters), Black Manta and his team head off to China for a mission where everybody will have a happy fuzzy warm fun time! Except probably the Man-Bats. At least one of them will die. But don't worry, kids! Don't cry! They're not actual bats! They're just big dumb men that deserve whatever happens to them. No reason to feel sad about the passing of an adult male! Seriously. That's not a joke. Nobody is more in control of their lives than an adult heterosexual white male! If one of them dies, they were probably doing something stupidly extracurricular!

Oh yeah! And the mission is probably to recover the super hero that China is trying to create. Those of us that arrived promptly read the first page which described what China was up to. The rest of you will be punished for tardiness at the end of the program.

"Bree! Bree! Bree!" says the Chinese alarm system! "We must maintain control, at any cost, of all governments, cultures, and economies that refuse to allow us to do whatever we want," says the United States of America! "If you are sympathetic to the Chinese people even if they have no control over what their Communist leaders decide, you have no place in my audience," says the capitalist kids show host that's also super manly and pleases many, many women and maybe the occasional feminine looking man.

Harley Quinn becomes annoyed with the alarm going "Bree! Bree! Bree!" in her delicate ears so she looks around the factory until she finds a big red button under glass. That is obviously the "off" button because, as seen in Futures End, if you hit it with a Boxing Glove Arrow, it shuts down the computers. So it should work on the alarm system and not release all of the half-baked Chinese superheroes, right? I mean, why would it do that? Offices don't even allow employees access to the thermostat! Why would they have access to the mechanism that frees the baking superheroes?

"Whoops!" says Harley Quinn. "Blargh!" vomits Captain Boomerang. "Things escalated quickly" says Reverse-Flash. "You dumb stupid crazy cunt!" says Black Manta. "Kill us all! Please!" says the Chinese superheroes.

Happy Fuzzy Warm Funtime Squad #5 Rating: +1 Ranking. I can approve of this issue! The team actually has a mission objective that makes sense. The team seems decently put together if you don't count Harley Quinn. But since this comic book needs the extra money brought in by Harley fans, I think she's probably here to stay. Which is fine. I did like that she was a bit more off the wall than usual. I think she might just be putting on a show for Captain Boomerang.