Supergirl #36

Is it a horrible font? I bet it's a horrible font!

Why am I still reading this comic book? It's obvious that Supergirl has moved on with her life and she's dating that scrotum-beard, Mike-hole. How could she do this to me? I gave her everything and she just goes on with her life as if I don't exist? Or as if she doesn't exist? Hopefully whatever the Menace of the Crucible is, it kills jerks in wheelchairs who go around stealing other people's girlfriends.

Since we last saw Supergirl kissing that fucking piece of shit, she's taken a job at a coffee house where she runs into all kinds of interesting people.

Or totally boring people that aren't interesting in any way at all! *wink wink*

Why is Supergirl working at a coffee house? She should rob a bank and be set for years! Just one measly little bank. Where's the harm in that? Even if she were caught, she could pretend she was mind-controlled by Queen Bee or Hector Hammond or Lex Luthor and she'd never be prosecuted. Lois Lane caused the deaths of thousands of people recently and apparently nobody gave a fuck because she was possessed by Brainiac! I don't know why these super heroes haven't thought of this themselves! "Ohhh shit...um, where am I? Oh fuck, how did I get all this money? Last thing I remember I answered this Craigslist ad from P. Pirate and then nothing! Whoa, I am so sorry! But, you know, wasn't my fault and all. See you later!"

If I were a super hero, I would charge people to touch my penis. That's not breaking any laws, is it? If I were an alien super hero, I'd just tell everybody I didn't know that was wrong on Earth because my people do it all the time! Then if people argued with my culture, I could call them insensitive bastards! And then ask them if they want to touch my penis for $20.

This just doesn't strike me as advice Clark would really give to Kara. He knows the benefit of being around regular people in a civilian identity. At most, I think maybe he'd lecture her to develop a secret identity. You know, maybe hit the Warby Parker homepage.

Kara's nails are totally adorable. Maybe I'm giving up on this relationship too easily! And look at that cute little bum as she heads back into work! Kara! Mike-hole isn't good enough for you!

Superman has been doubting himself because he thinks maybe the fears that he might turn on the world are well founded. If whatever is going on in Batman isn't a dream then I'd say he's right. Superman gets mind controlled and turns on the Earth. Superman contracts Doomsday Herpes and turns on the Earth. Superman gets shot up with Joker Toxin and turns on the Earth. How is he supposed to keep the world safe when he can't even keep his own mind safe? And the world definitely won't be safe from Supergirl unless she's finally learned that punching people in the face is an inappropriate way to greet strangers on Earth.

Kara still misses Siobhan. She hasn't talked to her since that time Kara got upset with her because she didn't care about Kara's vaginal kryptonite poisoning. Which Kara never actually told her about. While she's thinking about having lost her best friend for no reason at all, she's kidnapped by a bunch of aliens and inserted into The Crucible!

Actually, she's inserted into the entrance exams for The Crucible. She passes easily. Just as I knew she would! That's my girl! And by "girl" I mean "person I'd like to stare at naked and possible put my tongue in her various orifices." I don't know why I said that! That's what I always mean by girl!

This college sounds like a scam! Like Carrington College or the University of Phoenix or Oxford.

The "recruiters" are Maxima, Tsavo, and Comet. And apparently The Crucible is where Omniologist Shay Veritas trained. I don't think that's a great recommendation. After graduation, she had to use a cane and could only live in the center of the Earth! Unless those were just results of the after-graduation party.

And finally, a surprise guest on the final page! Thus the "finally!"

Idiot. You exist to be a living weapon! Your purpose is to destroy shit! In all your search, you never once read the first page of any Superboy comic book by Scott Lobdell?

Supergirl #36 Rating: This issue was terrific! Not one sign of Mike-hole! Maybe she dumped him since last issue! Maybe Jason Todd murdered him! Maybe Scout tore out his throat and defecated in his neck stump! Maybe he toppled over in his wheelchair out in the hall of his shitty New York apartment and was torn apart by rats! Maybe he slit his own throat because he knew he could never satisfy Supergirl the way I could satisfy her! I'm pretty sure I could satisfy a Kryptonian woman because she doesn't know what to expect from an Earth male! I'll be all, "Oh yeah! That totally turns on Earth girls when I come in my pants simply because you touched my thigh!"