The Flash #36

Brett Booth loves drawing dinosaurs!

When a writer works with Brett Booth, does he or she constantly receive instant messages from him asking when dinosaurs are going to appear in the next script? I bet he sends them dick pics where he's glued tiny little T. Rex hands to his cock and photoshopped it into swampy environments.

Damn. That's a good idea! Except for the gluing things to my penis. That might not be a good idea at all! Also, I'm not sure my penis has the chops to play a Tyrannosaurus Rex. Maybe I can make those fanned gills and turn it into the one that spits poison in Newman's face in Jurassic Park!

I'm going to be fact checking Brett Booth's dinosaurs with a book from my childhood so I hope he did his research! Here's the book:

This looks like it's going to be a bit heavy on the science.

This book was published in 1974 so they won't even have a definitive theory about how the monsters all died out.

Leonora Hornblow: "We think it could have been starvation. Or maybe a deadly plague that only affected reptiles."
Arthur Hornblow: "Or possibly mobs of torch wielding peasants."

Last issue ended with The Flash being attacked by flying machines that say, "Exterminate." This issue begins with The Flash being attacked by flying machines that say, "Exterminate." I think Brett Booth might have already fucked up on historically accurate dinosaurs.

The Flash has also lost his speed so he's lucky this, um, "Flalek" has poor targeting capabilities. It must need its plunger calibrated.

The Flash is saved by a bare chested man with a lightning bolt scar on his chest! I think this might wind up turning into a gay porn version of Harry Potter: "Hairy Potter and the Chamber of Buttstuff."

Meanwhile in the Utah Salt Flats, Future-Flash realizes he's now twenty years younger and decides to take the place of Present-Flash.

This grin says, "I am going to fuck Patty into a coma."

A fuckpatty sounds delicious! I'm hungry!

I think people might notice The Flash's costume change because most people I know can spot the difference between red and blue. I say most not because I know anybody who is red/blue colorblind (is that even a thing?!) but because I know some people whose parents were complete assholes. They also think that the proper term for their nose is a snot faucet and often refer to their ears as their head genitals.

Patty reminds Barry that they need to get to work so Barry's going to have to nurse his throbbing cock until his shift ends.

Time to play Philosophical Fuck Questions! Is it okay for Future-Barry to have sex with Patty without revealing that he's a future version of himself? If you instantly come to the conclusion that it's not, then get out! You're not playing Philosophical Fuck Questions correctly! It's still the same Barry! Patty's been intimate with this Barry before although, to Barry, it's been many, many years. I suppose if he's had any unsafe sex with dodgy super villains in the intervening years, it would be a dick move not to reveal that, quite possibly, he might have super-herpes. But we could introduce an infinite number of scenarios that would make a "yes" or a "no" answer to the question more obvious. Philosophy isn't about finding easy answers! It's about annoying other people with constant and unending questions!

So. Why would it be wrong for Future-Barry to have sex with Present-Patty? I can't think of any reasons at all! Yes, I suppose, if I want to sound like the understanding, caring, kind person I'm most certainly not, I would say it should be Patty's choice. She should be given all the facts and allowed to decide if she wants to cheat on Barry with himself. Plus, if we play out the time travel scenario that has occurred within the pages of this comic book, Present Barry will never become this Barry! Although, this Barry did live the same life as the Barry that Patty knew right up until breakfast this morning! If Present Barry never returns, what's the big deal? Also, if Present Barry ever returns, we'll have to have another episode of Philosophical Fuck Questions when we ask the question, "If Patty, Present Barry, and Future Barry have a three-way, is it really a three-way?"

Wally is probably going to wonder why Barry keeps breaking into tears and hugging him.

Nobody seems concerned (yet) that Barry can't remember where anything is and can't remember anybody's name (even when it's printed on their coveralls). Just wait until he watches Begin Again later with Patty and he says, "Boy, I thought Mark Ruffalo put in a really poignant portrayal of Bruce Banner in Avengers IV: The Curse of Fin Fang Foom." Luckily, everybody just takes his lapses in memory and his uncharacteristic behaviors in stride and helpfully reminds him of the way things should be. I'm sure Patty won't even notice since she's so starved for Barry's cock seeing as how he's been constantly ignoring her to hang out with Wally and Iris West.

"Remember? Remember how you never help me? Ever? Who are you?! What happened to the real Barry?! Ha ha! J/K, of course! Now excuse me while I clutch this thing you were just holding to my breasts!"

Meanwhile in "Hairy Potter and the Chamber of Buttstuff," Hairy and Barry continue to battle the Flaleks. It turns out they're sentry machines from the 24th Century and were built by LexWayne EnterCorps! Hairy, whose real name (or current alias) is Selkirk, explains how they're in a place where all times meet called The Nexus! Don't you just love when places are named so literally? I would have called this place Crazytown With Dinosaurs.

See? Crazytown With Dinosaurs!

Back in the non-Speed Force world, Future Barry ditches Patty to go murder some perp that escaped justice the last time Barry lived through this time. Although now that time has been changed, he's just murdering some guy that might possibly still kill a bunch of people and escape justice. You never know! Time's a funny thing! Because of butterflies or something.

The Flash #36 Rating: I think I ranted enough about stupid time travel stories. So now I'm just going to be a good little comic book fan and accept whatever happens in The Flash. And with that mentality, I'm enjoying it! I think Future-Flash should become a fan favorite because he's still Barry but he kills! A hero that kills is always really likable, right? We've seen enough of super goody-two-shoes Barry Allen! What a wussy baby square! Let's celebrate murdery, psycho vigilante Barry Allen for awhile! Yay for psychos! Yay for murdery vigilantes! Yay for kind of rapey guys from the future that maybe aren't technically raping their old girlfriends but, I mean, come on! What does your gut say! Guts are always right! I mean, not really, but people like to think they are and justify everything they do by their gut reactions! Because how can a person's intuition lead them astray? That would be like admitting you have a fault or something! Ludicrous!