Klarion #3

This comic book was cancelled almost as soon as it hit the shelves!

Perhaps somebody at DC will finally realize that Ann Nocenti's name on a comic book keeps people away from the comic book. She is terrible at writing comic books! Maybe she should write a comic strip. Man, I would love to partner with Ann Nocenti to do a weekly web comic. She would write it poorly and I would draw it poorly and it would be so fucking bad it would be the best thing on the internet. Except since that's what I'd be hoping for, Nocenti would probably knock the writing part out of the fucking park. Hell, I'd be just as happy with that! But then we'd have to find an actual artist or else my scribbles wouldn't do her work justice.

I'll read Klarion in a few minutes but first let's take a look at another book from my childhood from my shelf of old books.

Apparently I thought the cover would look much better if Daphne were stamped all over it. Such an artist!

That font really looks like it's photoshopped onto the cover but I assure you that's the real title of this book.

This one is so good that my poorly written, barely legible name in little kid printing has been crossed out and my sister wrote her name underneath it. What a jerk!

"You know where to stick that Jizzle, Bamm-Bamm!"

The witch looks like Mr. Slate in drag.

Why would a couple of babies know where to get jizzle in Bedrock?

Everything works out in the end and, with the help of two babies, the witch manages to get jizzle all over the place.

I think my mom was trying to acclimate me to feel comfortable around perverts.

Okay, I guess I'm ready to read Klarion now. But I'm sure it's going to be a huge disappointment after the jizzle book.

Last issue ended with Klarion kissing Zell and Rasputin meeting his new girlfriend, the Buddybot. This issue begins with everything exploding due to the kiss. I guess. While Zell and Klarion are being blown through the air, Zell says, "Klarion! Don't look at me like that!" How is he supposed to look at you when you just tried to auto-erotic asphyxiate him with your hair while you kissed? And then blew up?

Maybe Teekl blew up because Teekl was jealous?

Afterwards, Klarion and Zell engage in a typical Nocenti dialogue full of changes of subject and non sequitors.

Maybe Ann Nocenti suffers from some kind of perception disorder which causes time to jump forward for her in the middle of conversations. Maybe all of her conversations are like this and she thinks it's normal.

Klarion notices a hole in the wall and looks into it. He sees Rasputin and his new fuck buddy, Buddybot, fucking.

That's not what the uncanny valley is, you stupid robot. Who programmed you?

Klarion barges in and Contessa begins face fucking Klarion. Goddammit! Now Rasputin is going to be jealous of Klarion and Contessa as well as Klarion and Zell! Stupid Buddybot! You didn't emerge out of Klarion's butthole so you shouldn't be engaging in benefits with him.

Contessa turns into a woman while Zell parcels out some Ann Nocenti Fun Facts about a replicated hamburger. Now that Contessa is beginning to look like a human robot, she's getting closer to the uncanny valley! Stupid Contessa! Be smarter!

A pod of taco trucks. Evolution. Waffle windows.

What the fuck are they talking about?

Piper the Magic Landlady gives the kids a lesson about bees. She points out how alone they bumble but are powerful together. Yeah, but they're bees. People aren't bees! But she tells the kids to act like a herd of bees and stay together so they don't get picked off while alone. But, as the Neapolitan Club guys pointed out, a swarm of gazelle still lose individual members to lions. So even in a swarm, or, um, a herd, one of the kids could get picked off! Like Rasputin got picked off already! I think this lesson is too late.

Ann Nocenti should have a toll free number that readers can call so she can just fucking explain what she's trying to say in this stupid comic book. I think she's trying to tell me that swarms are good and bad!

Klarion failed to keep all the kids with cell phones at the club from taking video of Rasp floating in the air. Oh, also, they got footage of his blue horned butt trying to get Rasp out of the air before they could film it. And now the footage has fallen into the hands of a covert agent named Agent Moody!

Well, I guess Klarion's a vampire! She deduced it with impeccable logic!

Meanwhile at Beelzebub's Barber shop, Beelzebub shaves a guy as the guy tells a crappy story and some guy in a muscle shirt masturbates on the back of his head.

I bet Ann Nocenti actually used that shelf story on some guy she was dating.

Klarion and Zell head out to meet Beelzebub at some robot art show. Zell reminds Klarion that Piper said not to go out alone and Klarion doesn't ask Zell if she knows what the definition of alone is. Then Zell points out that Beelzebub's card smells and is covered in flies. Gross. And Klarion had that thing in his pocket?

When the fuck is Teekl going to appear. What a waste, Ann Nocenti! I'm going to write an article called Kittens in Refrigerators.

At the robot art show, Klarion and Zell learn that Buddybots can cure autism! Stupid Buddybots. Autistics don't need to be cured! They're absolutely fine with themselves and their worlds. It's the fucking parents that need to be taught that their child isn't broken just because their child isn't giving them the endless, unconditional love they so desperately crave. The kid isn't "missing out" on your normie experience. Heck, they may even process the world too quickly or too slowly so nothing outside of their mind makes much sense. But then I guess a Buddybot would be perfect! I'm all turned around on the Buddybot now since it can probably adjust the speed in which it speaks so that the autistic kid can interact with it. Plus maybe he can get laid!

Klarion starts a fight with Coal but Coal takes off before Agent Moody and her Witchhunters arrive. Beelzebub also arrives to help Klarion escape in his muscle car. But for some reason, Zell gets upset that Klarion might ditch her. Why? Just get in the fucking car with Klarion. It's a fucking boat! There's plenty of room! Unless the dramatic tension and contrived plot are taking up all the extra space inside.

Klarion #3 Rating: -1 Ranking. The scripting makes this thing hard enough to understand but then the layouts tend to swirl across two pages and spiral back again and I have no idea what's going on. I think technology and magic are battling or something. Plus kids are being kids and stuff. And they're fucking robots. Since this has been canceled, am I allowed to stop reading it?