Aquaman and the Others #8

I wonder if Geoff Johns is pissed that Dan Jurgens has made sure that nobody will ever want to read another story starring The Others again?

Don't worry, Geoff Johns. The team was a bunch of boring assholes when you decided to create them. I think Dan Jurgens has been doing the best he can do with a team of shitty heroes and Jurgens' inability to write a story that doesn't take place in the eighties. The Others were never going to be a hit with the kids.

Last issue, we learned that the super-villain group Mayhem are squatting in Vostok-X's moonbase and have taken over an ancient Russian satellite with twelve nuclear warheads in it. Now they're going to demand that all the world governments give them everything they want or else they start dropping the nukes! If I was most of the world governments, I'd flip them the bird and say, "Go the fuck ahead! You only have twelve nukes and you know you'd better use them all on America or you cats are fucked." So maybe Mayhem will only actually threaten America. Hmm, that makes more sense.

The other issue The Others need to deal with is that iSpy killed one of POW!'s ghost soldiers. It wasn't on purpose or anything! It was just friendly fire. But now the ghost soldier feels that iSpy should die due to an itsy-bitsy, teeny-weeny case of manslaughter. How about taking a page out of Jesus Christ's book and forgiving the people that killed you?

Although, Jesus would make a show of forgiving them while dying on the cross since all his disciples were watching. But I bet once he found himself back in Heaven, he was all, "Daddy! Daddy! Ruin their Empire! Destroy their precious works of arts! Destroy them from the inside with our followers and from the outside with heathen beastmen! Do it right now, Daddy, or I'm going to scream!"

Why is it that only the crack is obscene? This would have been enough for my thirteen year old self to jerk off to.

Up on the moon, Cheshire is probably thinking, "How the hell did I get roped into working with these assholes?" I bet she has a contract to kill them all. Probably got the contract from Jonni DC who can't stand KGBeast and NKVDemon are still in continuity. They should have disappeared with the Cold War! Now I'm really wishing that KGBeast had actually died at the hands of Batman like Batman uncharacteristically meant to do. I think. That's second hand knowledge about a story where Batman cut off KGBeast's arm (and look! He's missing his arm!) and left him to die. And then it was just a thing that fans had to accept until some other writer came along and had Batman say something like, "Um, no, no, no! I just had to, um, go get a Bat-tourniquet! You know? And when I got back, he was gone! So I did all I could to save his life after nearly killing him, you know? Come on, guys! I don't kill! Ha. Ha ha! Ha."

The whole point in calling somebody a “loose cannon” is that they can’t be directed, you imbecile!

Cheshire and KGBeast discuss the possible loose cannons in the group when they should be discussing the weak cannon, Maelstrom. She's just in this to make the world a better place! As soon as she realizes these assholes are in this scheme for selfish reasons, she'll turn on them. So Mayhem will probably trap Aquaman and the Others. They'll be about to destroy America if their demands aren't met. And then Maelstrom will sneak off and free Aquaman so that Aquaman can save the day in space like he never does.

And while Mayhem ignores their weak link, Aquaman pisses all over his. He calls Vostok-X a clone one time too many and Vostok-X ditches the team. He heads to the moon to learn more about his past from KGBeast. And to maybe become bait. Or an ally. Or a corpse.

"Concrete blocks as far as the eye can see! Queues stretching as far as the concrete blocks! Everybody craving Levi jeans but nobody owning a pair! Legends of sweet drinks called 'Coke' and 'Pyepsi' filling our peoples with hope!"

iSpy comes up with a plan to retake control of the Russian Nukellite. He, Ya'wara, and POW! will teleport into an old Russian base in the Ural Mountains where they can use the old systems to access the satellite. POW! only comes along to kill iSpy, I'm sure. Which is how the issue ends, with POW!'s ghost in control of his body and trying to strangle iSpy to death while Ya'wara lies crumpled and sexy in the corner.

Aquaman and the Others #8 Rating: No change. It was boring but, for some reason, it didn't bother me as much as it usually does. Perhaps I'm still riding the high of Grayson #5 and I know I have Gotham Academy #3 to look forward to next. Poor Aquaman. Of course when he winds up on a team of heroes, they're just a bunch of jerks more boring than he is. Now I feel bad for Aquaman. Maybe I won't make fun of him when I read his next issue.