Justice League #37

Is Superman saving Lex from whatever is trying to kill him?

What if the Amazo Virus gave you immortality? That would trump the part of the virus that causes your blood to turn black and your brain to boil, right? What if it just gave you immunity to viruses? Would you then just lose the virus and then lose your immunity to viruses and then die from the flu?

Batman begins this issue with a Seventh Grade Report on the worst diseases mankind has ever faced. It's a Seventh Grade Report because he leaves out the Spanish Flu and doesn't really flesh out the two diseases he does mention. I give him a C+, partly because the entire presentation was wanting and, since I'm grading on a curve, I have to say Hawkman often gave more entertaining oral reports to start off his comic books.

At the end of last issue, Batman and Superman had confronted Patient Zero. It turns out it isn't Jimmy Olsen like I had hoped. It's just some guy named Ikarus that was working at LexCorps. Lex Luthor needs a sample of his blood if he's going to create a cure for the Amazo Virus. I'm still not sure how this guy contracted it if the virus wasn't airborne. I think maybe Lex Luthor is lying and he absolutely created it to be airborne because he's a dickhole.

Other Robin ideas: Bat-Lube (Dick Grayson), Bat-Crowbar (Jason Todd), Bat-Bat (Tim Drake), Batling Gun (Damian Wayne).

Patient Zero's super power is if he can see it, he can do it. The power might actually be "if he can think it, he can do it," but this guy isn't very imaginative. He's the kind of asshole that gets movies, books, and games in trouble because the writers think of the crazy shit to due in a fictional world and then unimaginative assholes like this guy glom onto the idea and enact it in real life. This causes big stupid dumb-dumb journalists to ask probing questions like "Is the auteur to blame for other people's idiocy?" Then all the fearful mothers send letters to Mtv and force Beavis to stop saying "Fire! Fire!"

Apparently the Amazo Virus can survive indefinitely outside of a host so the world is doomed. Also, why does the fucking virus need a host if it can survive outside of the host body indefinitely? Maybe the world isn't as doomed as Superman first thought! It's mutated beyond the need for a host and can now live freely and peacefully alongside humans! Yay! This story is over!

Lex's sister Lena asks Luthor why he invented the Amazo Virus because she must be a big dumb dumb head. Why does Lex do anything?! Because he's obsessed with ridding the world of Superman. And since his crappy Amazo Virus only affects humans, he locked it away in storage until he could figure out a way for it to infect Kryptonians. But now it's too late and everybody but Superman is going to die.

How could you be so cynical, Captain Cold?! Come on now!

And then some idiot named "Bullet" explodes onto the scene and tells Lex he's going to kill Lex for money. Shouldn't he just kill him and go? Why waste time explaining why you're suddenly in the comic book? Just fucking do what you're being paid to do, asshole.

Bullet does shoot Lex's off-panel head on one of the next couple of pages. But since it isn't shown then it didn't happen! I'm sure Captain Cold created an ice shield or something before Bullet's bullet could meet Lex's brain.

And finally, Batman's Haz-Bat Suit gives up the ghost, leaving Batman exposed to the Amazo Virus. Batman's new power will probably be to emit pheromones. Look out, ladies! And gents too, I guess.

Justice League #37 Rating: No change. This cover was silly! I guess it represents Superman's most secret fantasy that he can never tell anybody or else they'll know he's a monster capable of horrible evils. Although everybody likes Superman and hates Lex Luthor. I think they'd forgive him for killing Luthor. The judge at his trial would probably be all, "Do we even need to do this? I mean, Lex was kind of a dick. Who can blame you, Supes? By the way, why isn't Clark Kent covering this trial? I was really hoping for an autograph from the guy that exposed Morgan Glenmorgan-Morgan Glennglenn Glennmorgan!" And the jury foreman will be all, "Not guilty, right guys?" And everybody will be all, "Yeah! Yeah! Not guilty!" Except that one guy in the back that just moved to Metropolis who says, "Not so fast. Maybe we should really think this over first." And one of the other jurors will be all, "Oh, come on Malone! Nobody here's going to find any reason to convict that boy scout for killing a monster like Lex!" And Malone will strike a match and say, "I've got reasons. Oh boy, do I have reasons. Let's go to the deliberating room and Twelve Angry Men this bitch!"