World's End #7

Val-el is getting violent! Earth-2 (and Power Girl! *wink wink*) are rubbing off on him!

Tonight I went to go see Guardians of the Galaxy. It was lots of fun and really well done and made me cry a lot. I wept all the way back to the car. Not for any particularly moving moment in the movie. You see, my cat of fifteen years, Judas, died last month. One of the things I used to call him was Raccoon Boy because his back legs were longer than his front legs and he looked like a raccoon whenever he waddled about the yard. So every time there was a moment when Rocket was sad, it made me sad. And I just about died forever when Drax pet Rocket's head to comfort him. Stupid fucking movie.

I wish World's End would make me feel just a fraction of what Guardians of the Galaxy made me feel. I need some help connecting with these characters! Maybe spend a little more time fleshing out the characters so I might find some kind of emotional bond with one of them. That's probably a huge task to ask of Daniel H. Wilson and Marguerite Bennett since I'm practically a fucking robot and hardly ever connect on an emotional level with anything that isn't an animal. I just don't care about any of these characters! I don't care about Replacement Batman, the deadbeat grandfather hooked on Earth-2 Viagra. I don't care about The Streak Starring Jay Gimmick, the college dropout that was chosen by the gods because...well, I don't know why. Because he had a job as a pizza delivery driver and he always delivered the pies piping hot? I don't care about Queen Lantern, the guy who had a job in television or something and now is the guardian of the Earth or something? I don't care about Hawkcop because she's a fucking cop. I don't care about Doctor Cocoa Puffs, the misunderstood ancient Egyptian God that only cares about his next host. I don't care about Aquawoman because she reminds me of Aquaman. I don't care about Tornado Lane, the journalist turned whirlwind. I kind of care about Power Girl and The Huntress because they were having excellent adventures in friendship in their own title before they were unceremoniously imprisoned in this book.

It's possible I don't care about anybody and the problem isn't just with the characterizations in this comic book!

No she didn't! She outran them to Amazonia!

The Furies decide to go after Earth's "Avatars and its Parliament." Do all planets have parliaments and avatars? Do all planets also have baseball and pornography? I'm glad that they know the course to take so I don't have to read any pages where they stand around deciding the best way to destroy Earth. They're experienced Apocalyptic Horsewomen. No dilly-dallying for these four! Er, three!

I hope they can't find Famine simply because Famine is on Amazonia which is hidden from the world. Otherwise Famine was defeated either between comic books or I simply forgot what happened last issue. I won't be happy with either of those things being what happened.

Meanwhile in the pits of Geneva, the clones of Superman escape. It's all terribly exciting and will probably lead to the end of the world seeing as how one Superman clone (Brutaal aka Bizarro) nearly killed everybody. No way they can defeat this menace. Nope. Not going to happen. They're up against at least fifteen Supermen against an old guy with no more Viagra, a pacifist, a journalist, and Power Girl. I guess if the clones are all about 1/16 the power of the original Superman, Karen mght have a chance. But she won't be able to defeat them before The Huntress is tortured into joining Desaad so she can face off against her best friend. That'll be a terribly exciting cover, won't it?!

Why does being a surgeon help with pulling a huge metal stint out of a clone's head? I guess if you want the clone to live but I don't think that's an issue here.

Val-el is fighting so either the writers forgot he was a pacifist or punching a clone is pretty much just like kicking a refrigerator. Except with less good stuff to eat inside of it when it happens to fall open.

Replacement Batman defeats all of the Superman clones with an electromagnetic pulse. So that was anti-climactic! After staking this issue's reputation on a "Reign of the Supermen" next month tag last month, and a cover that shows a huge brawl, all we get is Replacement Batman shorting their fuses? Whatever. Maybe something exciting is happening in China.

Don't forget he also lacks a penis, Solomon Grumpy!

I like Solomon Grumpy! Laughter is good for the soul! Sam and Alan are uptight jerks. Come on! See the humor in it! Alan and Sam were both going to ask the other to marry them but then they both died in a horrendous train wreck! But then neither of them actually did die and were chosen to protect the Earth in forms that can't engage in coi...wait a second. They can probably still fuck around. Sam is master of the wind and Alan is master of organic matter! I see some pretty magnificent blow jobs and ass play in the future.

According to Sam, there will be no fucking for either of them. Instead, they must seek out the Avatar of the Blue. I hope it's Dolphin.

Back in Amazonia, Doctor Cocoa Puffs' helmet fucks Jimmy's mother box. That's not a figurative statement. This results in Jimmy Olsen becoming a god. I only know this because the Robot Doctor on hand explains it to everybody watching. How he knows what a helmet and a box look like when fucking and what the result must surely be, I have no idea. He's a robot! He just knows stuff!

Constantine will soon have an army of whackjobs.

And finally Apokolips BOOM Tubes onto the moon. Except it's much bigger than the moon so it kind of crushes it and knocks it out of its way. I'm sure Earth will be fine with the loss of one large astronomical body in near orbit since it's being replaced by another. Maybe they're of equal density, right?

World's End #7 Rating: Can we just destroy Earth-2 already? Or better yet, kill a bunch of characters so that there aren't so many story arcs happening each week! One page of characters noting their situation and then noting how it changed doesn't tell me much about the character themselves. Maybe if some of the characters were suddenly transformed into kittens, I might care about them. You can have that plot twist for free, Daniel H. Wilson!