Friday, December 12, 2014

Arkham Manor #2

Why is Batman teaming up with Michael Myers?

This issue begins with a man named Seth being carted off to Arkham Asylum simply because he punched his mother in the face. How do you give somebody who assaulted their mother a fair trial? Wouldn't most jury members just be thinking, "Way to go!"? Hmm, maybe that comment says a bit too much about my relationship with my mother! Also, all of my commentaries are first and foremost works of fiction and should never be thought of as memoir or biography! Especially the parts that make me look bad. Those parts are complete fabrications!

But that part with Seth was just a flashback. The current action continues with Jack "Batman *wink wink*" Shaw imprisoned in Arkham and attending group therapy while he tries to solve the double murder that recently happened inside. I wonder if Batman and Nightwing, independent of each other, ever snuck into Arkham in disguise to try to solve a murder and wound up beating the fuck out of each other? I should probably stop wondering if certain stories have ever been written and just start writing the stories I want to see in DC Comics! Then I can sell them to Scott Lobdell so that he could put his name on something that was finally worth reading.

Therapy looks like so much fun! No wonder everybody does it!

I wish I had some experience with therapy so I could insert a story here that would really make me seem like a horrible person, but I don't. I've always been just fine with all of the horrible things I've ever done in my life (or have had done to me) and never felt the need to talk it over with somebody I'm paying. Although sometimes I reveal too much about my personal life to the barista at the coffee shop. That's kind of like therapy, right? Although I don't think I'd like any kind of therapy; it's group therapy that looks like fun.

Mental illness is so much fun!

During therapy, an Arkham staff member barges in and reveals to the entire room that Zsasz has gone missing. That seems like the kind of news you deliver quietly by memo. This might be why Arkham has such a problem with riots.

After therapy, "Jack Shaw" has a brief conversation with "Eric Border." It ends with far less people dead than usual. That might be proof that the story currently running in Batman is just a hallucination brought on by The Scarecrow's 'Piss and Tear' Fear Formula. Or it's proof that The Joker can't actually smell The Batman. Or maybe Eric Border is just this normal guy whose face The Joker eventually steals because he, you know, needs a new face.

He is kind of funny though! So I think it is The Joker!

Batman doesn't notice that Eric Border is actually The Joker, but he does seem to recognized the old man in the wheelchair. He thinks the old man is somebody dangerous. Maybe he just got The Joker vibe off of Eric Border and now thinks this old guy is The Joker?

Batman tells Eric his suspicions via phone but the reader still gets left in the dark. I should be left frantically wondering who this mysterious old man could be (a Talon, maybe? Some other member of the Court of Owls? Lex Luthor?) but instead I'm just annoyed. I want to know! Stop keeping secrets from me, comic book! I paid good money for you! You work for me now!

Later that night, Batman escapes his cell when he sees, through his cell window, Seth lying in a pool of blood. Batman arrives too late to save Seth but in time to fight a mad cabinet maker. Or maybe he does arrive in time to save Seth even though Seth has a bit of a hole in his head.

Jack "Batman" Shaw almost catches the killer but the guards arrive to knock Jack Shaw out and let the killer finish drilling his hole and get away. Batman winds up with a concussion and a possible murder rap on his hands seeing as how nobody else was found in Seth's room with him. And in therapy remember, it was pointed out that Jack Shaw had never murdered anybody and Batman had to be a big showoff and put doubt in everybody's mind about his status as a murderer. Idiot!

Akrham Manor #2 Rating: Not much was really revealed this month. All I learned is that Batman, as Jack Shaw, is a huge failure that doesn't recognize The Joker, is afraid of an old man in a wheelchair, gets beat up by Arkham guards, and can't stop one crazy murderer. I'm surprised he was able to pick the lock and escape his cell! Maybe that's part of the personality Batman worked up for Jack Shaw: he's a bit of a fuck-up. That's so nobody can guess he's The Batman since The Batman never fucks up! Between that and the mustache, this secret identity will never be cracked! It's almost as good as a pair of glasses!

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