Supergirl #37

Best cover of the entire New 52 ever.

Can you imagine a DC Universe based on Darwyn Cooke's variant covers? I suppose that would be a kind of Golden Age era where the heroes mostly enjoyed their lives and smiled a lot. But Golden Age comics are so hard to read! I want a modern writing sensibility with writers that know the majority of their audience are intelligent adults (or, at least, adults) but with happy heroes that enjoy doing what they do! Like a Batman that revels in breaking bones and giving his enemies internal injuries! Okay, maybe he revels in it now. But he never smiles! I want to see him smile while he dislocates The Mad Hatter's jaw!

Last issue, Supergirl found herself in an exclusive school called The Crucible. They'd given her the pitch and she was ready to sign up but they never did tell her how much tuition was. She's going to be buried in loans when this is over. And she'll probably be living off of a Galactic Credit Card which she signed up for outside of the student union. I suspect by the time she completes her courses and makes it back to Earth, Superman is going to give her yet another of his interminable lectures.

Have you noticed how Superman can't stop telling Supergirl what she's doing wrong and how she should be acting, and Batman does the same thing to Catwoman? There should be a word for when a man thinks he knows better than a woman and treats her like a child. Some man should tell a woman to get on that.

This issue begins with Supergirl writing in her diary. The comic book doesn't say anything about a diary or a journal, but her Narration Boxing has increased to Scott Lobdell levels and the only way I can deal with it is to read it as if she's writing down her experiences at the end of the day. Maybe I should read it as if she's telling me her story because we're a couple and she's sitting next to me in front of a warm fire telling me about her experience at the Crucible!

Luckily Kara has been teamed up with some other students so they can have hilarious adventures in Study Group. And she's quickly pegged her companions so the audience knows exactly what their quirks and foibles are! Maxima is smart but emotionless so Kara guesses that she "doesn't play well with others." Tsavo, being animal-like, is "quick to pounce" but he's sometimes misguided by his emotions! And Comet is "clever and thoughtful, but preens far too much."

How long has Supergirl been around these students since last issue? She's either quite perceptive or she simply makes up back stories to everybody she meets and subsequently ignores the real person. I think Kara is one of those shallow assholes that don't really pay attention to the world around them but they wholeheartedly believe they're some kind of an old soul with amazing intuition and an incredible ability to read people. Meanwhile they spend an awful lot of time nodding their heads at everything everybody says while grunting out noises that show they're interested, all the while thinking up things they think the other person is really trying to say.

Ugh! Forget Mike, Kara! You're at school! Long distance relationships are fantasies! It'll never work out now! Dump him!

At Tactical Class, Kara shows up her know-it-all teacher and puts him in his place while teenagers everywhere cheer. Good for you, Kara! Standing up to that teacher that isn't listening to a student that offers no proof to go along with her contrary account of the teacher's lecture! Don't let the patriarchy continue to spread its bullshit lies! Let the young people spread poorly fact checked "truths" that sound great and back their positions so thoroughly that there's no way they could possibly have been made up or twisted in some way! Go young people! Fight the power!

Of course Maxima's account is going to be correct because this is a fictional account making a point about how teachers don't know everything and a good teacher listens to everybody instead of staunchly refusing to veer from the same old way of looking at things. Especially since the story of Planet Y57 is a story about indigenous peoples being removed from their homes by an invading force because the indigenous people's home was full of resources that the invaders wanted. It sounds vaguely familiar. As if it were the invaders Manifest Destiny and Y57's natural resources already belonged to them. Totally understandable! What older person doesn't believe in Manifest Destiny? Stupid young people losing their futures by believing they have to endure debt to get a proper education! Maybe they should have paid more attention to that Manifest Destiny thing instead of becoming victims of the old loop de loop reversal stolen future Manifest Destiny perpetrated on them by greedy old people! Ha ha! Naive suckers! You thought you were learning to think and gaining knowledge for a future career but instead you were being pickpocketed by your parents and grandparents!

I'm actually much more sympathetic to the plight of young people trying to get an education in a greedy, everything-for-profit nation state that they're currently living in than that previous paragraph might suggest. I think children need to learn at a much earlier age that adults constantly lie to them and that the world they live in is not one they simply have to accept. By the time they're in college, they're already like a rat deep in the trap. Even by the time they're in high school, it's very nearly too late. They learn to be full of sound and fury but they've already become entrenched in the system. Actually extricating themselves and making real changes is tough when all the trappings you're used to are pieces of the trap containing you. That's why I'm writing adaptations of college level novels for elementary school children! Those are the years kids should be learning the lessons taught by One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest and Catch-22 and The Grapes of Wrath! But even elementary school might be too late by now! Because one of the biggest hooks the trap employs is attached to one of the most irresistible lures: the cell phone! Before kids can even understand what a contract is, they're hooked to phones that, generally, demand contracts. By the time they learn about the monthly bill and the contract, they can no longer do without their phones. And no matter how full of sound and fury they are against the system, it fucking signifies nothing because they're already inside the trap. And it's just a matter of time until the trap dulls their edges and they become a complacent adult just trying to get by and raise their children and pay their mortgage and pay their car payments and pay their (for the first time ever and possibly more insidious than the rest since you cannot opt out of this one by just not living (okay, you can, I guess)!) mandatory health care payment.

Oh yes, young person, you think I'm deluded? Look at how passionate your hippie grandparents were. And look at what happened to them.

Seriously though, I'm rooting for you. But I fear the trappings of capitalism are just too much to battle against. And I fear you also will fall to them, and fail.

Not that I ever fell! I'm still fighting the good fight! Fuck, um, corporate America! Fuck, um, things! Bad things especially! And, um, fuck -isms! I mean the bad -isms like racism and, um, the other ones! And fuck people afraid of being -ismed by the very people they fight alongside so they quell their rage when they should be, um, even more ragingier! Fuck censorship unless it can theoretically prevent rape and then I, um, guess it's okay, right? Stick it to our parents, man! They never fucking understood us anyway! Fuck our parents right in the buttholes! Mmm, yeah! Take it, mom! Take it, dad! Yeah! Individual rights! Freedom from oppression! Unless it's the good kind of oppression teaching me the proper way to act and the right words to say! In your face, everything I should be against! It's about time we should all believe in everything in which we should all believe! Freedom!

Later, Kara has Sparring Class with Comet.

So now Kara thinks he's "cleverer and more thoughtfuler"?

Kara has some other classes with members from her study group and it's just as hilarious and wacky as Community has taught us to expect from study groups!

Later, the Preceptor and Vice-Preceptor meet with Crucible's Alumni Benefactors. Or the High Council. Something like that. It's a secret meeting that the study group isn't privy too so I bet it will be full of crazy secrets about the true purpose of Crucible! I bet all these elite super heroes are being trained for nefarious purposes! Wouldn't that just be typical?!

So the Crucible is like Mormonism (is that one of the bad -isms?!)! The students here have to go on missions! And they're going to be cloned! That's what goes on in all of those Mormon temples all over the West Coast that look exactly alike, right? They clone people there?

Later Supergirl is shocked to find that Maxima is only at college to find a mate. That is shocking! I thought people went to college to find lots and lots of mates on a near constant basis! And to even experiment with mates that they normally wouldn't mate with!

Supergirl hugs herself in her dorm room. I did a lot of that in college too!

While the Preceptors discuss plans to kidnap Superboy and turn him into a living weapon, Kara and her study group head to Tsavo's home planet to help quell a rebellion. Or start one. One of those! It's a war and they're on one side of it and it might not even be the right side because the Crucible is shady!

Oh no! The rebels! I hope they don't teach the study group what they're really fighting for and turn them all around on the civil war and make them unsure about trusting the Crucible any longer! I sure hope that doesn't happen!

Or maybe the rebels really are the bad guys even though that seems ludicrous because they're fighting against the traditional powers that are almost always guilty of oppressing certain groups for the benefit of others!

Or they're just led by a super villain with Daddy Issues. That was my second guess!

How come the old school last page reveal of the evil super group is still so satisfying?

Supergirl #37 Rating: +1 Ranking. At first, I thought I wasn't going to enjoy Supergirl being yanked off of Earth to have college adventures in space. But this is kind of what Supergirl has been doing during her entire run. She's shuttled off to one unfamiliar environment to the next as she backpedals and tries to figure out how she fits in. This is just another one of her fish out of the barrel stories! And so far, I think I like it. Do I like it? Can someone please tell me if I should like it?

New Guardians #37

Geese cream fat sheep when it's cold outside! Every moment I'm awake, prefer their lemonade!

I just looked at this cover and it made me think Kyle must be dreaming which is why I quoted that Heart song in the caption. I love how the lyrics don't make any sense! They're so dreamlike!

Last issue, Kyle lost his White Ring because he's a huge idiot. While everybody else has been stubbornly fighting the New Gods because it's painfully obvious that they're not going to help the universe at all (and, even if they somehow do something right, at the very least they're not giving back the rings), Kyle just walked up to Highfather and said, "Here! Take my ring!" Then three seconds later, Kyle said, "Hey! Give me back my ring!" But by then it was too late. Stupid Kyle had doomed the universe to doom of the doomiest kind. And now Carol's lady boner for Kyle probably wilted.

Yes she's mad at you! She wanted to fuck you! And then you went and showed her that you're not only a wussy baby puss-puss, but you're stupid too!

Carol probably doesn't mind that Kyle is a wussy baby puss-puss because she was with Hal for a long time and he was the opposite of a wussy baby puss-puss (a tough senior mutt-mutt?). But a smart lady like Carol can't be wasting her time with an idiot that falls for the second oldest scam in the universe. The first oldest scam in the universe is that one where you pretend your wife is your sister and then you get her to marry a king or a pharaoh. Then you accidentally find a way for the king or pharaoh to find out that she's your wife and that you have the meanest, angriest God on the block so he quickly apologizes and sends you away with half of his wealth and cattle and camels because he doesn't want God striking him down. That one was so good that Abraham used it twice! And his son Isaac used it too! On the same guy, Abimelech, that Abraham used it on! That Abimelech sure was a horny idiot!

As Kyle and Carol pretend that maybe they can find a way out of this, Metron stops by in his comfy chair to declare that they have not yet fulfilled their roles!

He gives up too easily and he's wrong. He tries throwing rocks at Metron's head and he's wrong. Cut him some slack, Carol!

Just imagine if Black Racer came by for a visit! Kyle could get the comfy chair and Carol could strap on the skis and they could storm New Genesis!

So now, after Highfather makes a huge mess of everything, his underlings are starting to have second thoughts about all of this shit. Maybe if they all had backbones as big as Orion's, they would have stood up to Highfather earlier and pointed out how he's acting an awful lot like a certain stone face master of a burning prison planet of death and destruction.

Metron drops off an ancient Mother Box for Kyle and Carol to use. It has to be ancient because the newer models are attuned to their users. Anybody can use this old one but that means it's also likely to have just one use left in it. Also, if they both grab it and sing the proper song, they can turn into Infinity Man!

Elsewhere on New Genesis, Malhedron heads off to rescue Guy Gardner and Simon Baz, leaving behind John Stewart and that dopey sperm-headed cunt Saint Walker to fend for themselves. But they're not alone for long.

Great! Now they have three useless people, one Green Lantern, and a squirrel.

The reunion is interrupted by some of Highfather's Divine Guards. But Kyle has a plan! And I think his plan depends on his belief that the New Gods won't kill him. For some reason, Highfather didn't kill him or turn him into a good soldier. So Kyle might still have some kind of link to the Life Equation that Highfather would lose if Kyle were to die. Maybe. It's all comic book nonsense so it's kind of hard to speculate in any kind of logical way!

Kyle and the gang manage to steal the Divine Guards' weapons and turn them on the Guards. Now that they're all equipped with some kind of firepower, they head off to find Highfather and tell him he's acting like an idiot.

They actually find him surprisingly quick. I thought they'd have to wait for Red Lanterns or something. During the five or so minutes that it takes them to walk to Highfather's location, the Bohemian Guardians escape the Singularity Stockade. I guess the New Gods haven't quite perfected the technology to imprison beings older than they are.

Kyle manages to get his White Ring back but it does him little good. It's got no juice left! And I don't think a White Battery exists, does it? Anyway, it seems Highfather has all the White Juice locked up inside of himself now. And he decides to spray it all over his rivals.

Whoops!

New Guardians #37 Rating: No change. Just three more issues of Godhead! I bet it ends like every other Green Lantern Cosmic Crisis! Which is...well, um, actually...I kind of forget how they all ended. I guess the Green Lanterns discovered they had more willpower reserves than they had before or something and beat the crap out of the bad guys? Oh, who cares, really. Another Cosmic Crisis is probably already right around the corner!

Wonder Woman #37

I think this marks four months in a row that I received the Wonder Woman Variant Cover.

Last issue, I was pleasantly surprised that I didn't hate Meredith Finch's writing style. I was not surprised at all by David Finch's art style because it was exactly the same. Immaculately rendered women who actually look like teenaged girls with clear skin and beautiful eyes and full lips and sexy bodies standing next to horribly disfigured men with fishy lips, covered in shadows and dirt and grime and maybe not even completely sketched all the way because David grew bored drawing them due to their lack of boobs.

How many shower scenes do you think will take place in this issue? Probably zero since we had a good one last issue. But I'm sure Meredith will have thrown in at least one scene where Wonder Woman is wearing less than usual, just to keep her husband interested in drawing the book.

The most important thing that happened last issue was that the Amazons held an emergency meeting to declare that men are stinky.

Currently, huge robot hawks are attacking Paradise Island. It's such a momentous event that it obviously needs a two page splash to cover it. When artists write their own scripts, I tend to expect at least two to three double splash pages per issue. And that's even more expected with artists like David Finch and Tony S. Daniel. I forget to take into account that this comic's creators are a husband and wife team, so David Finch is always nearby lobbying for more double splash pages to be written into the script. Especially if they contain lots of barely clad women.

Meanwhile, Fox News of Paradise Island Lady decides that a baby needs to be sacrificed in order to rid Paradise Island of men.

Don't ask me where they got the baby! Maybe the Brothers and Sisters have already begun fucking!

I could be wrong but I think people willing to sacrifice babies are usually the bad guys. Is this woman with the speech impediment and the tail the New 52 Circe? Or have we seen her already in Forever Evil? I don't remember!

While sparring in as-close-as-you-can-get-to-a-double-splash-page, Clark tries to get Diana to talk about her feelings. Maybe you should save that shit for later when you're not trying to defend yourself against a better opponent. I guess having a discussion sitting somewhere drinking coffee would have been too boring for Dave. Also, this affords Diana the chance to smack Clark in the face with a stick as soon as he pushes too hard while trying to get her to open up!

After the sparring, somebody mentions a shower! But then Diana decides it's yelling time because shut the fuck up already, Clark!

My favorite part of her "breaking point" list is how she almost lost Clark. Yeah, that's a good one to throw back at him. "You almost died! You know how much that would have hurt me?!"

Back on Baby Slaughtering Hill, it turns out the baby wasn't the person sacrificed. It was the woman holding the baby which she must have ordered online.

The Amazons decide to offer Wonder Woman a choice. She can remain on the island and lead, or she can go gallivanting all over the world playing superhero. I don't see why she doesn't just leave the throne for somebody else who lives life daily on Paradise Island. But she doesn't have time to make a decision and nobody mentions anything about a baby or a hissy lady with a tail because the robot birds attack! Time for another double splash page!

The Amazons have been killing Diana's pets!

Cyborg's call is about another village that vanished. Aquaman is probably standing hip deep in water where the village used to be and thinking, "What could have caused this? Where did the village go?!" Diana decides to go help the Justice League while the Amazons once again fend for themselves.

And finally, the spell by the hissy lady with the fresh new baby that's the talk of the underworld finally resolves.

There's David Finch's signature mostly naked lady page!

Well so far, Donna Troy's origin isn't completely convoluted! She was born in a cauldron out of magic and clay!

Wonder Woman #37 Rating: No change. I didn't enjoy this issue as much as I liked last issue. I guess Wonder Woman is going to get spread so thin that she'll eventually due something stupid like murder an innocent or something. Then everybody will turn against her and she'll lose it all and she'll, oh, I don't know, do whatever Oliver Queen and Bruce Wayne did after they lost everything. And Superman will look at her longingly with that look that says "I tried to help but you wouldn't let me in" and then, when she really needs him, he'll turn his back and walk away from her because he's really just a super dick.

Red Hood and the Outlaws #37

Drink up, asshole.

Trigger warning for poorly written characters using addiction to represent dealing with the pains of their pasts because God forbid anybody in this day and age can figure out how to deal with their own problems. Dealing with your problems is bullshit because then how will everybody else know that you're in more pain than they are due to life being what it is (you know, bullshit. Like dealing with your problems!). It's better to spiral out of control to prove a point than to care about yourself and figure out your own shit. Better to slap labels on yourself to declare yourself off limits from being criticized because you've been diagnosed. Better to fucking hide and blame everybody else for the shit you don't want to deal with because it's too much and nobody in history has ever had to deal with the shit you're dealing with now. There's really only one trigger warning that matters.

Trigger Warning for the existential pain brought on by the loneliness of never being able to make a real connection with anybody in your life. Not because there is something deficient in you but because there is something deficient in all of us. The greatest sin is to believe your sin is without forgiveness. And the greatest source of loneliness and despair is to think that you're the only one full of loneliness and despair. Unless you possess some kind of telepathic power that enables your mind to be fully encompassed in another mind, you'll never connect with anybody as closely as you'd like. Even when you think you've found a partner that you're completely open with and with whom you share everything, you'll wake up one morning from a dream in which they were acting contrary to what you thought you knew about them and it'll eat away at your heart for the rest of day, hopefully becoming less and less terrifying as you engage in your daily mundane, rote existence until the fear of their betrayal becomes just more cobwebs in the corner of your brain, easy enough to ignore and which you can, probably, live with.

Hi Roy!

I said, "Hi Roy!"

Oh right! Right! And I'm just reading a comic book. Why am I responding to it?

If this is a memory, who are you talking to? Why are you explaining things to yourself? Are you drunk? No, wait. Do you know I'm here?! Can you see me, Roy Harper? Do you understand that you're in a comic book?

Oh, Roy! Don't be so hard on yourself! This is probably why you're an alcoholic. I bet this poor kid put too much pressure on himself to be perfect so that his parents would stop fighting, amirite?!

Why so defensive? I believe you! Now get on with projecting your telepathic memory so that I can watch it as you tell me what's going on, or whatever is happening here. Oh right. I'm reading a poorly written comic book.

I bet the volcano was set up by some kid super proud of his great science experiment, quivering in anticipation as he pictured the judges who would excitedly watch it smolder and then overflow with fake lava that was really just baking soda or something. And then the kid with the Cyborg Dinosaur walked into the room and volcano kid's shoulders sagged, a small tear came to one eye, and he slowly walked outside and threw himself in front of a bus.

Yes you do. This is a memory. That's what you get when you remember. And your dad, in this memory, is in a suit. So, quid pro caveat emptor, you big dumb dumb!

Of course that's all you wanted, Roy. Of course. You needy fucking prick. Do you think you're the only character in DC Comics with Daddy Issues? Get in fucking line.

Why does the reader need to catch up? We already read that part of the story. Are you sure you're not drunk?

You know, I don't have to be reminded of who you are every issue, Roy. And is Ollie really a millionaire? I think he either lost all of his money and his corporation in his own comic. Unless he got it back and then the statement is still wrong because then he'd be a billionaire.

These Narration Boxes serve the same purpose as having no Narration Boxes.

Roy is definitely drunk because I don't think New 52 Oliver Queen actually had anything to do with any business decision at Queen Industries ever. Unless it was an event with an open bar. I guess there was that small window of time during Giffen's short run where Ollie tried to make a go of being a business person. But then he was on a short leash and his handlers never would have let him get away with shit like this. And anyway, Scott Lobdell, since it seems you want to get "meta" with your characters and allow them to speak directly to your "audience" for "you," a better way to answer your critics than being a huge baby and flipping them off? Concentrate on writing better stories. Believe it or not, critics don't hate you just because you're you. They hate you because you suck at what you do. Stop worrying about the naysayers and concentrate on improving your crap. I mean craft!

I hate when people offer helpful advice.

Yeah, wouldn't want a guy who always gives you good advice hanging around with you. Oliver is such an asshole.

He didn't ask you to apologize. It's gauche to assume everybody wants you to apologize for being rich.

So Roy goes to work for Marvel Comics and loses the rights to all the great characters he created and stories that were turned into Saturday Morning Cartoons.

That's not an equation. It's a court case.

Anyway, it goes on like this for a lot more pages with Scott Lobdell feeling the incessant need to comment on his own story in the "voice" of Roy Harper. He might as well just be masturbating on every page. Splotches of semen would probably detract less than the constant Narration Boxing.

What happens is Roy enjoys his life working for Queen Industries. But maybe he enjoys it too much and so he constantly gets drunk and embarrasses himself and works his hardest to destroy the first real happiness he ever had. And then after it all comes crumbling down, he begins to lie to himself that it was never actually good in the first place and he was better off not being a part of Oliver Queen's life.

Oh, but first Roy finds out Ollie is Green Arrow and, just like Madison over in Futures End and everybody else that is a narcissistic asshole that doesn't understand that nobody owes you everything, he's hurt that Oliver didn't tell him who he was and that he was using Roy's inventions for his Green Arrow gig. Like that matters? Roy agreed that whatever he invented wasn't his anyway. This is why you never hire a kid with Daddy Issues.

I guess this is the icing on the cake? That Roy's superhero name is taken as a reminder of how betrayed he felt by his new father figure? Just another sad sack that can't believe in himself without being told by somebody else to believe in himself. Just another asshole that needs to be inspired by some other asshole that was once inspired to be inspiring. Fucking Speedy would have been a better name at this point.

This is one of those stories people tell about themselves which they think portrays them in a good light but really just shows how big of an asshole they are. I love when people tell stories like that.

I didn't think it was possible to hate Roy Harper any more. I guess I was wrong! Poor fucking Roy. I wonder if this is the same tantrum Henry Fyff threw before he left with Naomi? Or that other kid whose name I forget but he died before he could storm off upset that his technology was the only thing that made Green Arrow "Green Arrow." Fuck you, Roy Harper.

I'm going to go build myself a big bonfire to keep myself warm at night after this! And I'll be using all of my Red Hood comic books!

The issue ends with Roy thanking Oliver for still wanting to have something to do with him even though he's been a right spoiled piece of shit "Poor Me! Poor Me!" asshole that I can't fucking stand.

Red Hood and the Outlaws #37 Rating: -1 Ranking because of the incessant Narration Boxes. Holy shit. This comic probably reads better without reading the Narration Boxes. I don't know for sure though because I'm not about to try rereading it. How did I come away from this comic book liking Green Arrow more than I ever did?! I guess if Scott Lobdell was trying to write Roy as a despicable human being than kudos! But I have a suspicious feeling that this story was meant to make Roy a sympathetic character. And I don't doubt it worked for some people. But I probably don't like those people either.

Justice League #37

Is Superman saving Lex from whatever is trying to kill him?

What if the Amazo Virus gave you immortality? That would trump the part of the virus that causes your blood to turn black and your brain to boil, right? What if it just gave you immunity to viruses? Would you then just lose the virus and then lose your immunity to viruses and then die from the flu?

Batman begins this issue with a Seventh Grade Report on the worst diseases mankind has ever faced. It's a Seventh Grade Report because he leaves out the Spanish Flu and doesn't really flesh out the two diseases he does mention. I give him a C+, partly because the entire presentation was wanting and, since I'm grading on a curve, I have to say Hawkman often gave more entertaining oral reports to start off his comic books.

At the end of last issue, Batman and Superman had confronted Patient Zero. It turns out it isn't Jimmy Olsen like I had hoped. It's just some guy named Ikarus that was working at LexCorps. Lex Luthor needs a sample of his blood if he's going to create a cure for the Amazo Virus. I'm still not sure how this guy contracted it if the virus wasn't airborne. I think maybe Lex Luthor is lying and he absolutely created it to be airborne because he's a dickhole.

Other Robin ideas: Bat-Lube (Dick Grayson), Bat-Crowbar (Jason Todd), Bat-Bat (Tim Drake), Batling Gun (Damian Wayne).

Patient Zero's super power is if he can see it, he can do it. The power might actually be "if he can think it, he can do it," but this guy isn't very imaginative. He's the kind of asshole that gets movies, books, and games in trouble because the writers think of the crazy shit to due in a fictional world and then unimaginative assholes like this guy glom onto the idea and enact it in real life. This causes big stupid dumb-dumb journalists to ask probing questions like "Is the auteur to blame for other people's idiocy?" Then all the fearful mothers send letters to Mtv and force Beavis to stop saying "Fire! Fire!"

Apparently the Amazo Virus can survive indefinitely outside of a host so the world is doomed. Also, why does the fucking virus need a host if it can survive outside of the host body indefinitely? Maybe the world isn't as doomed as Superman first thought! It's mutated beyond the need for a host and can now live freely and peacefully alongside humans! Yay! This story is over!

Lex's sister Lena asks Luthor why he invented the Amazo Virus because she must be a big dumb dumb head. Why does Lex do anything?! Because he's obsessed with ridding the world of Superman. And since his crappy Amazo Virus only affects humans, he locked it away in storage until he could figure out a way for it to infect Kryptonians. But now it's too late and everybody but Superman is going to die.

How could you be so cynical, Captain Cold?! Come on now!

And then some idiot named "Bullet" explodes onto the scene and tells Lex he's going to kill Lex for money. Shouldn't he just kill him and go? Why waste time explaining why you're suddenly in the comic book? Just fucking do what you're being paid to do, asshole.

Bullet does shoot Lex's off-panel head on one of the next couple of pages. But since it isn't shown then it didn't happen! I'm sure Captain Cold created an ice shield or something before Bullet's bullet could meet Lex's brain.

And finally, Batman's Haz-Bat Suit gives up the ghost, leaving Batman exposed to the Amazo Virus. Batman's new power will probably be to emit pheromones. Look out, ladies! And gents too, I guess.

Justice League #37 Rating: No change. This cover was silly! I guess it represents Superman's most secret fantasy that he can never tell anybody or else they'll know he's a monster capable of horrible evils. Although everybody likes Superman and hates Lex Luthor. I think they'd forgive him for killing Luthor. The judge at his trial would probably be all, "Do we even need to do this? I mean, Lex was kind of a dick. Who can blame you, Supes? By the way, why isn't Clark Kent covering this trial? I was really hoping for an autograph from the guy that exposed Morgan Glenmorgan-Morgan Glennglenn Glennmorgan!" And the jury foreman will be all, "Not guilty, right guys?" And everybody will be all, "Yeah! Yeah! Not guilty!" Except that one guy in the back that just moved to Metropolis who says, "Not so fast. Maybe we should really think this over first." And one of the other jurors will be all, "Oh, come on Malone! Nobody here's going to find any reason to convict that boy scout for killing a monster like Lex!" And Malone will strike a match and say, "I've got reasons. Oh boy, do I have reasons. Let's go to the deliberating room and Twelve Angry Men this bitch!"

Batman and Robin #37

Batman and Robin donate cans of Split Pea Soup to Gotham's Campaign to Feed the Hungry and Insane.

Last issue (pronounced 'iss-yew' because I've become a pretentious snob since embarking on my campaign to become the next Poet Laureate of Portland, Oregon), Darkseid had finally come to see what all the hullabaloo was on his planet. It was, of course, Batman trying to get his dead son's corpse back. Except Damian might not be as dead as you'd expect. But he isn't quite as alive as you'd expect either. It was more like he was a survivor in a plane crash and was currently dealing with Polar Bears, Smoke Monsters, and a severe heroin addiction.

Anyway (do I say 'anyway' too much? That and 'meanwhile' are probably my top words for this blog, right after 'fuck'), now Darkseid is about to get his ass kicked by Hellbatman and the Batkids (guest staring Cyborg and Titus). Or, more likely, Darkseid will just be taunted by Batman until he uses his Omega Effect to accidentally bring Damian back to life. Unless he does it on purpose! I bet if he does it on purpose, it will come with some kind of Stephen King curse in a Maine accent: "You reap what you sow, Batman. Ayuh. You reap what you sow."

This issue is called "Black Hole Son" because Damian is only ten years old, otherwise it might have been called "Man in the Box."

The only other person I can see standing up to Darkseid like this is Preboot Amanda Waller. Fuck. Now I want to see that. Can that happen in this convergence thing?! Darkseid versus Preboot Amanda Waller? Hey DC? Can I write that?! I'd also like to see Cheeks versus Brother Geek. Since Brother Geek appeared briefly in Green Team, that can be a possibility!

Batman punches Darkseid in the face and now I'm wondering when this takes place. Maybe Darkseid is behind the chaos in Batman Eternal! And Damian has just been off in dance class during every issue which is why we haven't seen him yet.

Darkseid returns the favor with some kind of one legged piledriver? It's hard to name wrestling moves that can't be done normally because most wrestlers aren't three times as big as their opponents (at least not since Andre the Giant died).

I think this is some kind of Superfly Smash or something?

I think to defeat Darkseid, Batman is going to have to get him in a Figure Four while Cyborg puts a Sleeper Hold on him and Batgirl gets him in a Camel Clutch. I think that's about all the wrestling moves I remember.

Batman throws a weak upper punch as Batgirl tries to fix Cyborg's BOOM Tube circuitry. Too bad it's located in his pelvis so she's completely distracted by his penis. And it's not helping that every time Cyborg sees her eyes glance toward it, a little more blood flows into it and it flinches and grows. I bet Batgirl grabs it in both hands and screams, "One chance left to jump start the BOOM Tube!" as she closes her eyes and...well, you know.

I think this was Andre the Giant's signature move!

The BOOM Tube opens as Batgirl wipes her mouth and Darkseid finally blasts Batman with his Omega Beams. Surprise! That's just what Batman wanted! He catches the Omega Beams in the Chaos Shard and powers up his suit with the limitless energy of Darkseid's eyeball's ejaculate.

That settles it. Nobody can beat Batman.

Everybody makes it through the BOOM Tube and Alfred begins serving sandwiches to celebrate. Except first Batman has to shed his Hellbat Suit and plunge the Chaos Crystal into Damian's heart as he bellows something about the Omega Sanction equaling life. Also, this somehow cures his Apokolyptian acne. Anyway, it works because comic books.

Why is Alfred in his 90s Comic Book Alfred Costume?

And then Batman collapses and Damian screams "Father!" and Batgirl says "OMG!" and Alfred thinks about asking for a raise and Red Robin says "Holy crap" and Red Hood says that too and Cyborg goes, "Whut?! Whut?! Can somebody tell me what's going on?!" because he's in pieces and strapped to Titus's back or something.

So that's it! Damian Wayne is back and everything can go back to normal, right? Right? What's that? There's still one more Robin Rises book left, you say?! I'm sure it's just thirty pages of Robin saying things like, "So where's Dick?" and "Don't lie to me about Dick" and "What kind of secret mission is Dick on?" and "When can I go visit Dick?"

Batman and Robin #37 Rating: +1 Ranking. Why is Highfather going through so much trouble over in Godhead to find a way to defeat Darkseid? Hasn't he heard about Batman?!

Batwoman #37

Clayface loves watching vampires fuck.

Now that I'm writing sonnets and being all highbrowed and shit, I'm not sure I should have begun with the vampires fucking line. That could give the tenured professors I attracted to my blog the wrong idea about how intellectual I am! I'd better write another sonnet to get them back on my good side!

Sonnet #Clayface

Does anybody know where vampires fuck?
It's something that I really need to see.
This line ends with a word that rhymes with fuck.
This line should have a word that rhymes with see.

This stanza here is all about Clayface.
Also about the general state of man.
And woman too, of course; there's just no space
To be socially just in every scan.

Now where was I? Oh yeah! Clayface had just
Begun to mope about his life's lost zest,
And the love of his life and her big brust
(I'm sure that's some archaic word for breast).

A man of many faces might I be.
The one that matters most, you'll never see.

Holy fucking shit! I am a genius the likes of which the world has never seen! Sonnet #Clayface might be my best sonnet ever!

The strangest thing you've ever said? Please. Like you've never shouted, "Ram your beautiful blooming piss factory into my gaping maw so my eager pleasure muscle can bring your throbbing love button to an intense state of indescribable quivering ecstasy!"

Earlier in the night, Batwoman threatened a reporter or an ex-girlfriend or just some Nocturna hater. She doesn't want her vendettaing Natalia Mitternicht because that's her vampire girlfriend now. Or her vampire sex mistress. Or just some person that comes by to fuck Kate when she's blackout drunk and won't remember it in the morning. Which is probably a good thing since the act involves a lot of biting and bleeding and pacts to the dark mistress Satan.

Back at Jason Blood's house, Etrigan mentions how he never wants Jason Blood inside him ever again, and Jason Blood says, "Whoa, whoa, whoa. I don't know who you've been talking to but I ain't into fucking animals." Then Etrigan begins to strangle him and then Batwoman enters and says, "Step away from the naked man." Hmm, I would have ended that with an exclamation point. But then I end over 90% of all of my sentences with one! See?

Meanwhile, some thieves take off with Ragman's Celtic cookie.

Does anybody else think the magic cookie has something to do with Etrigan's sudden appearance? Is that why the burned up cult guy recognized Jason Blood? Were they summoning Etrigan with the virginal sacrifice? I like to believe that scenario since Etrigan should be sharing time with some squatter in London, as seen in Stormwatch Number I don't remember the number (what am I? An editor?).

Really? Strained? Your insult would hold more weight if that were true but this is some of Etrigan's best rhyming so far in the whole New 52! Especially that crack against women! Ha ha! Cowards!

His rhyming later in the encounter gets significantly worse. I'm going to have to admit that Batwoman has a better ear for rhyme than I do. Although she later calls Etrigan's rhymes a "haiku" so maybe she doesn't know anything at all about poetry and rhyme. Perhaps she's simply gained powers of prognostication with the vampire blood now coursing through her so she heard his future rhymes before he rhymed them.

Batwoman and Etrigan manage to say enough during the fight so that they realize the true villains in the current scenario are the robed cult that summoned Etrigan from out of the British squatter. Batwoman learns the cult are trying to resurrect Morgan le Fay which Etrigan assures her is a bad idea. He really drives home the point by rhyming "all" with "all." I guess this quest will get them in contact with Ragman and his Morgan le Fay summoning cookie. But how will Clayface join the team?! And Beth! Or Alice? Whatever.

Clayface is captured by the Cookie Thieves. Easily. Jesus, Batman goes through so much trying to catch this guy and all he needed to do was refer to him as Mr. Karlo and appeal to his acting ability?

Etrigan sniffs vampire sex juice in Kate Kane's wig and points out that she might need a little mystic hoodoo to clean out her system. For the moment, at least, Kate and Natalia's link is broken. Darn. I hope that doesn't mean their relationship is over and now Kate is going to report Natalia to Maggie for sexual molestation and near cannibalism and breaking and entering and holding her hand in public and looking like the most adorable couple ever when they really weren't although come on! They were so cute together! They shouldn't end the relationship simply because it started out on the rape foot! Um, wrong foot! I mean, at the very least, can't we consider it was an ambiguous foot and all agree that they're too cute together to make a fuss about how they first got together?!

Can't everybody just agree for my sake to say, "You know, we're all kind of weirded out by the way Nocturna broke into Kate's apartment and took advantage of her while she was pretty drunk. But for Tess's sake, let's just look at the situation with a less critical eye. I mean, Nocturna did tell Kate that she wasn't Maggie. She didn't lie to her! Sure, Kate was still drunk but it was on wine and how blotto can one really get on wine, right? She was just a bit sleepy at first and thought, 'Oh, hey, Maggie wants to fuck.' But then her vision cleared and she saw it was hot, sexy Nocturna (who, by the way, said, 'I'm not Maggie') and said to herself, 'Oh yeah! I need this random hook-up to make me feel better about the mess I made with my relationship with Maggie. If that sourpuss doesn't want any of this anymore, I'm not going to lock it away in a no-sex-allowed vault!'" See? When you say it that way, I can have my way and you can all not feel angry! We're all much happier now!

Back at the Cookie Thieves' hideout, they shove the cookie inside Clayface and they and all their friends chant the magic Rune Chant.

Ta-da!

Batwoman #37 Rating: +1 Ranking. Is this comic book going to have enough time to get all of these characters back into space before the final issue?! I hope so! Unless the time it takes to tell that story doesn't allow for more pages of Kate and Natalia fucking because then I have to hope for the pages and pages of fucking.