Superman #21

I guess this creature's name is Black Dawn?

The Review!
No change! Apparently there was a mystery happening in this comic book that I wasn't aware of until it deepened like crazy this issue. Batman's still missing (which is a mystery I knew about!) so he doesn't solve the new mystery instantly. He may already have solved it but since he's in the Dairy Farmer's walk-in freezer right now, he can't explain it to anybody. The mystery of all mysteries is who the fuck is the Dairy Farmer and his daughter and their cow Bessie?! Are they New Gods?! Watchmen? Sex cyborgs? Apparently they're somehow keeping Jon's powers in check so that he doesn't hurt himself. But they have powers of their own. Like the Dairy Farmer can look deep into a dog's eyes and make it fall in love. And the daughter can make heat vision beams miss her completely while strangling Damian without using her hands. And Bessie the cow can make milk that Spider-man once wore as his costume in the nineties until it turned on him. So that's some weird shit that's going down in Hamilton County.

Another weird thing is the house in Deadman's Swamp. I'm still hoping it's the House of Mystery since this story is all about mysteries. At the end of this issue, Superman heads off to investigate it.

In other news, somebody on Tumblr was upset that I tagged my Batwoman review with the Batwoman tag because the content wasn't to their liking. It always amuses me when young people think they have the rules to the Internet and other people should act exactly as they do. The Superboy fandom once got on my dick about my Superboy tags too, a long time ago. They didn't like that I was mocking Superboy because it was written so terribly. They would rather believe that no matter what shitty writer was writing Superboy, everybody should still say nice things about him. But that's what's ruining comic books! You have to speak out loudly against shitty writers even if it means mocking your favorite characters! You can't just love them unconditionally or else you'll spend years reading Teen Titans comic books written by Scott Lobdell! And you'll fucking deserve it too!

Superman #20

Is this going to be a Mad Men crossover?

Superman could learn a lot from Don Draper. Just let Superman watch Don Draper for a few weeks and Superman will hopefully begin to feel shame for all of his non-Superman behaviors. Although Superman probably isn't that self-reflective. He'd probably just label Don Draper a super villain and then punch him in the face. It's also possible Superman would just be completely charmed by Don Draper's alpha male chocolaty center and realize the true power of being Superman: loads of side-pussy! Having a comic book starring Don Draper and Clark Kent would be like every Batman story where the antagonist is just like The Batman except without privilege! Clark and Don are both secret identities. They both grew up on poor farms. They both took on careers where they basically lie to the public. And both of them wound up fucking women that they work with! Aside from the drinking and smoking and whoring around, they're the same person! Just like in those Batman stories. It's just Clark had the privilege of staying on a farm where he was loved and never moving into a brothel.

Fuck you, Peter J. Tomasi and Patrick Gleason. Fuck you forever.

While I seethe and fume and try not to break down into tears (again!), Superman flies over Hamilton County swinging his big red and blue dick. Everybody in Hamilton County looks up and thinks, "Sure have been a lot of Superman sightings since the Smiths bought that farm!" They might seem happy and content now but just wait until they're saying things like "Sure have been a lot of Doomsday sightings since the Smiths bought that farm!"

The Smiths are now the Kents because that's enough of that "these aren't the real Superman and Lois Lane" nonsense. Everything is now integrating nicely because DC Comics wrote a story that told readers to forget that they fucked up everything and please maybe allow them to return things to normal without saying too much about it, hanh? Mxyzptlk helped convince the world that Superman and Clark Kent weren't actually the same person so now it's okay for Clark Smith to take back the role. Plus he's been infused with New 52 Superman essence so he has a right to take back the Clark Kent life and bank account and 401k. Should I have used the word "infused"? Maybe I should have said "infected"?

A storm (or Black Dawn?!) is moving in so the Kents spend their time in the basement playing pool. That's one of my main memories from the first time I visited Kansas when I was like five years old. Everybody had these crazy elaborate furnished basements and most of them had a pool table. Apparently some slick salesman made his way through the Midwest convincing everybody that the best thing to do during a tornado was sink some balls in some corner pockets. Um, wink, wink!

Lois brings up what happened to them and how they're somehow composed of blue and red lightning now and Clark is all, "Shh! Shh! Things are better now. Don't question it." And Lois is all, "Fuck you, you patriarchal piece of shit! How dare you silence my voice simply because it's not convenient for you! I'm a fucking Pulitzer winner, you Pulitzerless Punk!"

Later that night, Batman and Robin decide to skulk around in Clark's barn making farting noises until Clark is forced to stop rubbing his erection on Lois's ass as she pretends to sleep because she is not in the mood to fuck a sexist motherfucker right now. Clark gets dressed in his Superman costume and heads out to the barn to find out why the richest man in Gotham is lurking in his cow's shit. Jon also suits up and sneaks out to see what's going on. He just hears that Batman is there to discuss Superboy when Lois grabs him by the ear. She came out to investigate why Clark's cock wasn't rubbing up against her ass anymore, especially since she was just about to give in because who can say no to that Kryptonian D (aside from Lex Luthor)?

I can still hate Pat and Pete forever while grudgingly appreciating the composition of this panel.

I'm still chuckling about Batman deciding to go up to talk to Superman and he doesn't phone or send a Justice League transmission or just have Alfred walk up and knock on the door to inform Clark that Bruce Wayne is waiting to speak with him in the back of the limousine. No, he decides to head to the farm and hide in the barn until Superman comes out to investigate. How can people say he isn't a great father? Damian must love this shit. In fact, Bruce is probably doing this to bond with his son. "Hey, what say we go hide in Superman's barn and see how long it takes him to figure out we're there?"

Lois invites everybody in to eat some pie but not before they hose off the cow shit all over them. Batman stubbornly refuses to look human by enjoying Lois's pie. Um, wink, wink!

Batman has just come up to check on Jon and his erratic superpowers. Clark, being the nice one of the two, doesn't ask if Damian has decapitated anybody lately. I mean, seriously, Batman. Take out the mole in your own eye before digging up Clark's pupils or whatever that Biblical saying is. I'm an atheist so I don't have to know it exactly.

After all the tests they've run on Jon, Batman's conclusion is that Jon just isn't living up to his potential. Batman thinks he should be more powerful by now. I bet Batman's answer is to jump-start Jon's puberty. How about we get a prostitute in here, stat?!

Batman decides something in the environment is keeping Jon from reaching his full potential. He decides to investigate the Cobb Family Dairy Farm. He probably thinks that the thing holding Jon back is being put into the milk by Old Man Cobb. But I bet he finds out the thing holding Jon back is Young Woman Cobb! Jon is probably subconsciously frightened of pulling a Goldie on his best friend, so he's repressing his powers. Also he's hoping to kiss her and doesn't want to blow her brains out the back of her head when the excitement of his first kisses causes him to lose control of his heat vision.

Batman sneaks into another barn (Bessie, the prize winning cow's barn this time!) to test Bessie's milk. When he adds his Bat Testing Liquid to the milk, it freaks out and turns into that stuff that Spider-Man's black costume was made of and/or some kind of Swamp Thing crap. The black stuff engulfs Batman as Old Man Cobb wanders in and says, "Oh ho! Another trouble-maker! I'll put him with the rest of them!"

Oh no! A mystery! And of course Batman's gut instincts were correct. That's just what Batman needs: more confirmation that anything he believes may as well be proven fact.

The Ranking!
+2! I hate to award animal murdering psychopaths but I have to admit when a comic book is shining a light on how DC Comics should be writing comic books. This comic book exemplifies what the DC Universe should be (aside from all the pet murder). Batman skulking with Robin in Superman's barn is the best Batman.

Superman #19

I wonder if most imps in the 5th Dimension have fairly normal names so they can't get away with pranking the 3rd Dimension as easily.

This issue begins with Jon slipping out of the 3rd Dimension and into Mxy's secret basement molestation lair. I'm sorry but it had to be said. We're all thinking that a little old man in an odd hat stealing a kid to hide him away and play games is obviously an analogy for a sexual predator but most of us have too much class and/or fear of being scolded by righteously indignant Internet users to say it: Jon is about to be diddleplked.

Lois has forgotten about Jon because she's lucky. She's also forgotten that she saw a bunch of 5th Dimensional beings pleading for her help inside a snow globe owned by Mr. Mxyzptlk. That's okay. Most visitors to the Fortress of Solitude soon forget the jar full of little people pleading for help too. It's easier to pretend you imagined something so horrific, especially when Superman's underwear is hanging off the rim of the bottle.

Superman wants to play the game with Mxy now but Mxy is still peeved from being forgotten. I think the game might be a bit more Saw- or Cube-like this time around. Did I punctuate that correctly? Oh, who the fuck cares? Judging by the amount of exclamation points I use, nobody thinks I'm a fucking grammar genius!

Mxy transports Clark and Lois to his newfangled, more dangerous gameworld. It looks far more dangerous than Cube. I think it's more like Willy Wonka's Chocolate Factory.

Hmm. Is that the explanation for Cube? It was a modern day Charlie and the Chocolate Factory? I wonder what kind of candy the autistic guy began making after he won?

Superman didn't even read that contract. Does he think he can punch it into smithereens later if he just signed his life away?

Before Superman agrees to play, Mxy says some vague stuff about red energy in the other Superman and Preboot Superman's essence being blue energy. Great. Are we going to get a twenty year retooling of the reasoning behind red and blue electric Superman? That's nothing nobody has been not clamoring for. That may have been Bizarro speak, depending on what I meant and what it actually means. I probably shouldn't use so many negatives in one sentence. That sentence's glass was totally half empty, amirite?

In his prison, Jon meets two balls of red electricity that sound like Clark and Lois. Can't we just let New 52 Clark and Lois rest in peace? Do they have to somehow integrate with Preboot Clark and Lois? Is that something we really need? It's not like Golden Age Superman ever had to join with Silver Age Superman to make sense of the DC Universe. Although it made super sexy sense when they joined in my Goldver Age Superman Slash Fiction.

The game Mxy plays with Superman is just a double splash page of a board game with a giant Mxy over it screaming, "I win! I win!" That's terrible. Pete and Pat are skipping over the most interesting bit of this story! The fun part of a Mxy story is the game. It's the competition and the outwitting of the little imp. But in this issue, it's just Mxy yelling, "I win!" And then Superman and Lois looking deep into each other's eyes and saying, "Stay! Don't forget!" And then they win instead! So anticlimactic. This is the worst Mr. Mxyzptlk story ever.

But then, to be fair (even though I totally don't have to be!), Mxy isn't really in a game playing mood this time. He's just out to hurt Superman because Superman hurt his feelings. I guess it's going to work since Superman signed that stupid contract without reading it. It probably says that no matter what happens, Mxy gets to put six things of his choosing up Superman's asshole.

Jon gets the balls of red electricity to help him escape from prison. Once free, they take the shape of New 52 Superman and Lois. They're still covered in the red electricity. Let me guess: Dan Jurgens came up with the idea to bring back Red and Blue Electricity Superman, right?

The Ranking!
No change! I don't really mind if Preboot Superman was really just half of New 52 Superman or vice versa. I don't mind if they need to be merged to make Rebirth work. Just, please, let this story be the end of it and nobody ever again mention how Preboot Superman somehow doesn't fit into the Rebirth world. Let's just accept him as the real Superman who has always been Superman, the one who is friends with Batman, and just get on with our lousy, unsatisfying, comic book reading lives.

Superman #18

While Superman runs away crying and rending his garments, Lois and Jon look on bored.

The issue begins with these words which I'm too dumb to understand: "Time answers. Space questions. Matter questions. Energy answers." Why? Why do you think it works that way, Narrator? I can see how time answers because cause and effect only work through time. So it takes time to answer a question posed in a moment. I guess that moment is space and matter? Space and matter just sort of sit there not answering anything. I guess not answering means they're questioning. And then energy also answers because it takes effort to answer a query? Is that how it works? Or should I not be asking questions (being that I'm not space (although I am matter taking up space?))? Should I just nod along, take another hit of marijuana, and think, "Yeah! That fucking sounds right. Profound!"?

Well, this was just beginning to get sexy until Doctor Oz put a stop to the fun. Prude!

Tim Drake yells from his cage, "Someone got out!" Beside Tim Drake, in separate cages, are Doomsday, Prophecy, and probably Ambush Bug. Unless Ambush Bug is the one that got out? Oh man. I hope Ambush Bug is the one who got out!

Doctor Oz seems to know that he once lost a prisoner. And that prisoner has escaped to some blasted world with a broken obelisk (kind of like, say, a ruined statue that people should look on and despair?). Carved into the stone, over and over again, are pleas for Superman to save whoever scrawled the messages. Alongside the messages are images of Superman and Ma and Pa Kent and Clark Kent and the Daily Planet and the Superman logo. Who left these messages?! Probably Ambush Bug. He began his superhero career obsessed with Superman, remember?!

Back on Earth-Main-Earth, it's the Smiths' wedding anniversary! You know the Smiths! They used to be the Whites! Remember? And before the Whites, when they lived on a different Earth in the Preboot universe, they were the Kents! Come on, try to keep up!

While the family is busy opening gifts, Clark Kent stops by to drop off a gift of his own. Uh oh! Maybe I should finish the Mild Mannered story in Action Comics #974 before getting into this Superman Reborn story arc! Okay. I'm going to go do that first! Be right back!

Okay! I'm done with Action Comics #974. Basically all I needed to know was that Clark Kent has learned where Lois lives and that she's somehow betrayed him. For some reason, he thinks he and Lois are destined to be together. Since I left off with Clark Kent dropping off a photo album for the Smith anniversary, I realized reading Action Comics that the photo album probably fell through a DC Continuity wormhole from the Preboot Universe. Where else could Clark have gotten the idea that he belongs with Lois? The album is probably of Clark and Lois's Preboot wedding.

The album has pictures of Preboot Clark Kent's life. Unless it's Rebirth Clark Kent's life which looks just like Preboot Clark Kent's life! Whatever the case, Clark Kent disappears just like he disappeared going into his apartment in Metropolis. I thought Clark Kent's secret was going to be revealed in the Mild Mannered story but it wasn't. So now I have to wait until this four issue series concludes to find out who or what he is?! I'm sick of this guy!

After Clark disappears, the Smith family home goes up in flames. So does Jon! But they're not real flames. They're more like Langolier flames. They're erasing time and space that shouldn't exist. I know they'll figure out some way to stop the flames or else the Supersons comic book won't have an Issue #2.

The Smith farmhouse disappears and Jon goes along with it. Instead of being sad, Lois and Clark become angry. Because they know who's behind it which means they have an ass they can kick.

The Ranking!
No change! I'm surprised Pete and Pat didn't wipe out a whole bunch of animals along with the house and Jon. They could have introduced a cute little gerbil named Raquel and then BAM! Wiped from existence. HA HA HA! Take that, lovers of animals! Then they could have had a parrot land on Lois's shoulder and be all, "Love me! Love me!" Then BAM! Erased from reality! I bet that would have given Pete and Pat some serious boners. Jerks.

Hard-Travelin' Heroz: Six Pack Loves Dog Welder #6

I sometimes make miniatures like this out of straw wrappers.

The Review!
Dog Welder dies saving the world and is added to the remembrance board at Noonan's.

Along with Steve Dillon.

The Ranking!
No change. Even though Steve Dillon died during this comic's run, it makes a fitting tribute to Garth Ennis's friend. It's also super gross because Constantine fucks a pile of guts and then throws up in his helmet when Bueno fucks him in the ass. Unless the splatter on the helmet wasn't on the inside but on the outside. Which is entirely possible and disgusting in quite a different way.

Hard-Travelin' Heroz: Six Pack Loves Dog Welder #5

Now I want to reread The Right Stuff. Although I really wanted to reread it after seeing Hidden Figures. That movie didn't have enough Gus Grissom in it.

I would review Hidden Figures but I know I'm not sensitive enough to handle something like that. Although here I go as I say, "My review would be something like 'Holy shit! I can't believe that one smarty-pants that sort of looked like Queen Latifah's daughter married that evil son-of-a-bitch Cottonmouth! And that woman who wanted to be an engineer was super adorable! And, um, so smart! Wooee! What a looker! I mean genius! That one part when Bull Durham knocks down the colored restroom sign was really good because it showed the most important part of the movie which was that sometimes white men stood up for black women's rights, even if it was only because it meant he could get more work out of them. Two parts of the movie really ruined it though. How come Sheldon wasn't good at math and no way that Scream Queens frat bro could be an astronaut. So unbelievable.'"

The Review!
I love that Constantine can call people "berks" in this comic book. What percentage of the audience does an editor have to assume can recognize a coded way of saying "cunt" before the editor cuts out the word? That's a serious question!

After Constantine calls a bunch of people berks, Section Eight steals a space shuttle and flies off to save the world. I guess Dogwelder needs to weld the Dogstar to somebody's face or something. Bonus story: Six Pack has an emotional breakdown.

The Ranking!
No change. Steve Dillon did the cover. It's like seeing a ghost!

Superman #11

Maybe Clark should think twice about letting Jon hang with Damian.

The Review!
+1 Ranking. The boys don't necessarily learn to work together so much as Clark and Bruce learn their sons work as well together as their fathers do. I suppose their relationship has been good enough all these years that they really don't need to worry too much about Jon and Damian's.

Speaking of Bruce and Clark's relationship, I'm hoping that this story is a sign of things to come. They act like old Bruce and old Clark without anybody having to mention how new this relationship is really supposed to be. I'm hoping Rebirth will just slowly faze in the old relationship and nobody will ever remember that this Clark isn't Bruce's real Clark. The fans just want them to have history, and we want it to be the history we will never accept is truly gone. So, DC Comics, how about just getting on the same page as the fans? This is just a story about two old friends reunited after some time apart having each raised a son. And now they hope their sons will find the same treasures they did in the friendship they share.

Superman #10

Now kiss! Not the kids, you whacko perv!

The Review!
I really need to just read a bunch of comic books and then write quick reviews on each so I can catch up. But how can I not express how my heart grew three sizes this day when I turned to the second page to see that the person Jon Smith bumped into at school is Maya Nobody?! This is almost the same feeling I get when I watch Degrassi Junior High!

It turns out Maya was sent to spy on Superboy by the control freak's son, Control Freak Junior. But Jon almost burns down a forest and Maya steps in and...well, they wind up in the Batcave so that Robin can express to Jon what I've been expressing to Tomasi and Gleason for months now.

You tell him, Damian! I mean, it's not really his fault. It's the fault of the writers, Monstrous Tomasi and Grotesque Gleason!

So the stuff that I usually talk about happens like Maya laughing at Jon's joke at Robin's expense and Alfred praising Jon for being so much more civil than the Robins he's known. Then I would usually have some terribly opinionated opinions about things and insult a good three percent of my readers. Then they probably never read another review I write which is okay because the terribly opinionated opinions I said would have made somebody with a keener sense of humor laugh and they would make up for my loss in readership. But for now, I just have to get by with a few quick words and a few scans. I'm over sixty comics behind and I just want to catch up to the weekly books!

Finally! My favorites! The Bat-Pets!

Robin's grin after that Goldie remark is only bested by the following page where Superboy wipes it off his face by punching him in the stomach. Like fathers, like sons, I suppose.

The kids get in a brawl and only stop when Superman and Batman glare mightily at them. I think I'm going to like these kids. I definitely like Jon a whole lot more than when I first pretended I hated him because kid characters are usually annoying. But I've liked Damian since he first appeared. It wasn't hard to choose Damian as my favorite Robin when the other choices are boring Tim Drake, fangasm Jason Todd, and run-of-the-mill Dick Grayson. I mean, I like Dick now! (You are not allowed to use that out of context!) But he was crap for a long time. And Jason Todd isn't the poor little poor boy hunka-hunka manbeef Jason Todd fans have deluded them into thinking he is. He's just an ass, and as of the last few years, a poorly written ass. But Damian is a firecracker! He's decapitated more people than all of the other Robins put together!

+1 Ranking.

Hard-Travelin' Heroz: Six Pack Loves Dog Welder #4

I wish the Portland Art Museum would get the Dog Welders Throughout History exhibit.

Yesterday, I received a call from a foreigner who wanted to tell me about my Windows 10 security issues. He began the conversation by asking, "Is this Tess?" And I was all, "Nope!" Nonplussed, he continued, "I'm calling about your Windows 10 security issues and I would like to--". At that point I interrupted him and said that I don't have Windows 10. This was as much a lie as my not being Tess. Again, he forged ahead with his script. I interrupted him one more time and asked, "How much is this costing you?" He said, "Oh, it won't cost you anything!" And I said, "No, no. How much is this stupid scam phone call costing you?" He paused for a second and said, "A lot. Send me the money!" As I was laughing, he hung up. Can I consider that guy my new friend because that was the best phone call I've had all year.

The Review!
I cut the commentary section short because all you need to know about this Garth Ennis book is contained in the following panel:

I suppose I also could have scanned a picture of Dog Welder welding dogs to somebody's face or Bueno Excellente trying to fuck something disgusting but they'd basically transmit the same information, just differing in degree.

Although I suppose, maybe, I should sum up the entire book--in fact, Garth Ennis's entire take on superhero comics--with this panel:

Usually this comic book depresses me because it's so physically revolting that I can think of nothing but my body's inevitable decay. But now I also feel I wasted my entire life while trying to ignore that fact!

Actually, I'm comfortable enough knowing that my life has been nothing but dogwelding, day in and day out. In college, I decided that I was the reincarnation of every great writer that had ever lived because I never learned anything new from anything I read. Everything just reiterated things I'd already contemplated, sometimes simply giving me names to past philosophical musings, like Taoism and Existentialism. I decided that my responsibility in life was to give my previous lives a break. This was the life where they could relax and have fun and just enjoy themselves. That's why I masturbate so much!

This issue ends with The Second Sign screaming out of space toward Section Eight. I hope it's Lobo!

Actually, it ends with a double page spread of Jesse Custer by Steve Dillon. He's dead so I won't critique his art!

Hard-Travelin' Heroz: Six Pack Loves Dog Welder #3

I hope the last thing Steve Dillon ever drew wasn't Six Pack's befouled pants or Dog Welder's hand up a dog's ass.

Holy shit! Thanks to Steve Dillon's cover which reminded my of artists whose art I don't really like which reminded my of Charlie Adlard, I just remembered I haven't watched this week's The Walking Dead! I'm such a slacker! I also haven't watched this week's Supergirl! Or the last two week's Scream Queens! I'm so far behind in my television watching. I haven't even mentioned all of the shows that have been on HBO or Showtime that I don't have easy access to which are in the queue of things to watch, if I can get to them before I die.

Anyway, Six Pack and Dog Welder are three issues in and they haven't traveled hard at all yet. But I shouldn't get angry because, according to the cover, they're finally going to get out of Gotham and head to England. I know most of you are probably thinking I'm an idiot because they're obviously in Egypt. As if Egypt still has any of their mummies! I admit the pyramids are are still in Egypt but I'm sure that's only because the British couldn't figure out an easy way to smuggle them back home.

This issue begins with Constantine saying "fuck" but in all asterisks which confuses me because this book is the same rating as Vigilante: Southland and they were able to print the actual swear in that comic book! Maybe that's because Vigilante didn't also have a guy with his hand up a dog's asshole. Garth Ennis probably had to make some concessions with the language to get in the dog fisting.

This issue is called "All He Left Us Was Alone" so now I'm weeping inconsolably and yelling "Daddy!" for some reason.

My first thought as I scanned this scene was, "Is this the same artist? Everything in Noonan's is so clean!" And then I noticed the little drop of liquid shit on the floor between Six Pack's legs and almost threw up.

Dog Welder wanders off so now the road trip has to wait for Hacken to tell Six Pack a story about something that happened to Dog Welder the previous year. But before Hacken can get to his story so that the story can get to the road trip, the story shifts to where Dog Welder wandered off to. He's gone off to see his kids! Which is probably the story Hacken was going to get to! You know, the one where Dog Welder's family came to find him and then he welded dogs to his kids' faces? I wish my father had showed that much affection.

Remember how I've often complained about John Constantine not being John Constantine now that he can't say cunt in his own comic book? Well, that's been rectified here! Um...sort of.

Berk is Cockney rhyming slang for cunt!

I know berk doesn't rhyme with cunt but you have to get past that! Cockney rhyming slang is more complicated than just thinking up a rhyme and using the rhyming word. That's too fucking obvious! If you called somebody a "hunt," they'd totally know what you were getting at! But if the rhyme for cunt were, say, "Berkshire Hunt" then you drop the last word, chop a syllable off the first word, and whammo! Berk! Now you can call people the worst word in the world and get away with it!

Section 8 arrives to calm the situation between Dog Welder and his ex-wife. He does this by guzzling vodka and throwing up between his fingers. That should work, right? When a maniac dressed in a welder's outfit shows up talking to you through a dead dog shoved onto his hand, it takes a back seat to a flying surfboard showing up carrying a pile of guts, a barely verbal drooling sodomite, a demon screaming his name, a drunk smelling of shit and piss, and a British guy in an astronaut's helmet, right? That's kind of like de-escalating a situation.

The cops also arrive but Constantine takes them out with his sci-fi Hellb-laser. Is that why he became a parody of the Silver Surfer in this? Just for the Hellblazer laser joke?

Dog Welder realizes that he can't go back to his family so that's his super hero cross to bear. I think it's the part of the comic book where Garth Ennis gets a big maudlin so that readers can think, "Oh yeah! Ennis knows how to write stuff that isn't just piss and puke and hating on super heroes and massively injuring the bad guy in innumerably unspeakable ways!" And then Constantine makes Dog Welder's family forget him so that nobody ever has to deal with that part of the story again! But he doesn't use the Hellblazer on Dog Welder because that would take away his need to be a hero. Remember what happened to Bruce Wayne when he forgot all about his childhood trauma?! He became boring and began helping children in the community instead of dressing them up like whackjobs and endangering their lives. So boring!

And then Section Eight finally hits the road! Or the skies! Or the surf! I'm not sure how to describe traveling by magical surfboard.

Once in Egypt, they must enter a pyramid because that's where all of the cool shit happens like turning guys into Metamorphos and all of the other comic book stuff that has happened in pyramids that I can't remember but I'm sure must have happened a lot. And that's when the mummies attack! Should I have used an exclamation point for that? It's not like it was a surprise or anything. Even if the mummies weren't on the cover, who was expecting anything other than mummies? I suppose curses and death traps too! But those are optional. You can have a trip to Egypt and the pyramids without those. But you can't leave out the mummies!

The Review
This issue wasn't as gross as some of the past issues so it didn't feel like I was reading a Section Eight comic book. Which on one hand is a good thing because I hate being reminded of how squishy and disgusting the human body is. But on the other hand, I really felt like the issue was missing something. Of course, on the other hand, that something was splatterings of semen, shit, piss, and vomit on every surface in the background and on everybody's clothing. I've now gone into debt on the amount of hands I've used to explain myself.

Teen Titans #2

I'm so thrilled that Raven has lost the stupid mask of feathers that I'm not even going to mention Starfire's missing right boob.

This issue begins with Damian proving that he needs to spend less time patrolling the streets of Gotham all night and more time studying.

I'm not a professional evolutionary batologist but I think I can already detect some holes in Damian's reasoning!

I'll give Damian an A+ for his opening statement! Bats are the only mammals that can fly! Aside from my cat when she's annoying me, and she only flies in short bursts that are usually stopped by the wall on the far side of the room. But his theory that an animal made a choice in its evolution is crazy talk! Not to mention that bats didn't actually trade their arms for wings! They just grew some leathery skin between their fingers. Which might also be what the bird did but even further back than the bat. I'm even less an evolutionary birdologist! Unless I'm just about equally neither. And why is Robin thinking about bats anyway?! He's named after a fucking bird! This little shit really needs to see the inside of a classroom. And why does he bring up switching on genes? I guess he's talking about the gene that makes wings instead of arms which is totally how evolution works and why a creature needs to make a conscious choice to evolve, which it then, apparently, does instantly because the gene switch gets flipped!

I think maybe Percy should stick to stories about how racism is totally uncool.

It's also quite possible that everything Damian just said makes perfect sense since I haven't seen the inside of a science classroom in twenty five years! Also, I spent most of my time in Biology trying to sleep with the girl who sat next to me. Little did I know that the girl who really wanted to sleep with me was in my Steinbeck class! "Sleeping with somebody" is old slang for "talking with somebody." I don't know which makes more sense because neither of those things is anywhere close to fucking!

Robin is still celebrating his thirteenth birthday in the flashbacks. He spent the earlier part of the day eating cake with Alfred. Now he's celebrating the part of the day where his mother visits.

That's a slick looking Damian logo.

Damian continues to mope because his father is too busy doing Justice League things to celebrate Damian's birthday with him. It's pathetic! I don't think I'm going to get used to sad sack Damian! "My father didn't come to my birthday party! I have no friends! My grandfather wants to kill me!" Fucking baby! Buck up!

Talia's gift to Damian was information about the Demon's Fist. Five assassins who all got to choose five targets as their thesis projects. So basically the Demon's Fist chose the new Teen Titans roster. That's fitting since the Teen Titans have never done anything but react to people trying to kill them. It has always been the worst super team in the DC Universe. They're not super heroes; they're super targets.

Damian kidnapped the future Teen Titans and brought them to San Francisco. I hope that's going to be their base of operations because San Francisco is always getting shortchanged in the DC Universe. When it does get some love, it's usually because some shitty back-up team or second squad takes up residence there. It's possible DC was just trying to preserve continuity since most of San Francisco was destroyed in Shade the Changing Man #9.

Starfire must be thinking, "Why am I hanging out with these children?" Or "I'm so fucking horny!" One of those.

Damian explains to the others why their lives are in danger. You know, that thing about the thesis and graduating from assassin school! He says the Demon's Fist choose their targets by finding somebody who will make a good rival--"the sun to their moon," as he explains it. I didn't know the sun and the moon were rivals! Is that from The Bible?

Talia gave Damian a USB drive with information on the assassins. They are Blank, an albino shapeshifter who decided Beast Boy would make a good rival because Beast Boy is green. Green and white are rivals like the sun and the moon, I guess. Then there's Stone who has super strength and Earth powers. His target is Starfire because sometimes the sun has a rivalry with the Earth. It's kind of a complicated three way rivalry system. The moon and the Earth also fight, like when Eclipso battles Terra. After that is Plague who has a diseased touch. Her enemy is Raven because, I guess, Raven's eat the corpses of people who have died from the plague. That reasoning is about as good as the sun gossiping about the moon behind its Earth, right? Then there's Nightstorm who "can bend the weather to his will, weaponizing it into a hard wind or gusting himself into flight." Ooh, scary! He can make a strong breeze! His rival is Kid Flash because Kid Flash isn't just about speed. Remember he's got that lightning bolt on his chest, so lightning is somehow important to his character or something. Finally there is the leader of the Demon's Fist, Mara! She's super smart and knows Kung Fu really well and can stab things and stuff. She's basically a female Robin so her target is Damian.

Now that the Teen Titans have been told that they have archenemies, they're ready to build a Tower and become a fully operational superhero team! I imagine it's only a matter of time before some councilperson in San Francisco begins trying to kick them out of the city. I mean, this whole new Rebirth incarnation of them is supposed to fix them so they're not criminals who do nothing but garner public derision. But I can't help feeling they're already heading down that path.

While Damian is trying to convince the others that he's as great as he knows he is, the Demon's Fist attacks!

Why does Mara have bandages all over her inner thighs? Does her vagina secrete battery acid?

The first thing Blank tries against Beast Boy is to look like Beast Boy. Beast Boy simply looks at him like, "WTF?" At least, I think that's how he's looking at him. He's currently in the form of a tiger and I'm not great at reading the facial expressions of tigers. I assume most of their expressions mean either "I'm going to kill and eat you" or "I'm going to kill and not eat you." Then Blank decides to look like Red Robin. If Beast Boy weren't so sensitive, he would now simply turn into a gorilla and pound Blank into a shapeless puddle. But he's a huge baby and becomes too sad to battle.

The first thing this team needs to work on when they begin training is their battle repartee.

The others all encounter their own problems with defeating their Demon's Fist rivals. I guess they'll have to come up with a plan other than the one where they allow the Demon's Fist to dictate the rules of battle. That plan will probably be to work together or to switch combatants. Since this is a comic book, there aren't any other choices. Oh, except to be defeated soundly or to run! This is, after all, only their first encounter with the Demon's Fist. The Rules of Comic Books practically demands that the heroes be unsuccessful in this first battle. But after that, they'll do one of those two plans I previously outlined.

If Kid Flash becomes Nightstorm's greatest enemy, doesn't that mean Nightstorm is fated to fail to kill Kid Flash and flunk out of assassin school? No wonder he hates him so much!

Mara tells the Teen Titans Damian's secret about being Ra's al Ghul's grandson and they all immediately flip the fuck out. As if having a racist grandfather makes the grandchild racist! Nobody in comic books can think logically. They all just jump to conclusions and instantly lose trust in anybody who has told them one teeny tiny lie. Although I suppose they had no trust in Damian to begin with since he kidnapped them and was forcing them into his stupid new Teen Titans.

Damian and Goliath flee the cave when Mara sets off explosives to collapse it on everyone. But he does come back to retrieve the other Teen Titans and to tell them that he's chosen the way of the Batman instead of the way of the Assassin, even though his father is a huge asshole who can't even be bothered to stop by on Damian's thirteenth birthday.

San Francisco experiences its first case of massive property damage without any of the benefits of having superheros in town. That's what the Teen Titans bring to your city! Good luck, San Francisco!

The Review!
This is par for the course for the Teen Titans. They form a group which subsequently simply fights villains who attack them directly. The plots are formulaic in that the Teen Titans often face a group of foes whose powers match theirs in some way, and the Teen Titans are beat until they learn to work together (or fight the foes whose powers are like the member of the team whose ass they can consistently kick!). They never actually perform any actions for the greater good. But I will say, that's a step up from a team that actively breaks the law or is written by Scott Lobdell!

I still haven't been reminded how I'm supposed to feel about racism. It was bad right?

Hard-Travelin' Heroz: Six Pack Loves Dog Welder #2

Did Steve Dillon think this was Six Pack Loves Rabbit Welder?

The Commentary!
• This issue begins with John Constantine moaning about DC Comics merging the Vertigo titles which spawned from the DC Universe back into the regular DC Universe. He probably doesn't say anything about the Wildstorm Universe because he doesn't know about it and also because DC is bringing it back as its own thing. I guess they're kind of doing that for the Vertigo titles too but they're going to be Young Animals titles now. Because that name will probably make cool kids who read comics (which are actually just the least dorky of the nerds who read comics) think, "Young! That's me! And Animals? I'm wild like that! I'd only be more interested in these comic books if they were under the Random Hookup label!"

• The title of this issue is "Heckblazer" because DC wouldn't allow Ennis to use "Constantine Can't Say Cunt in His Own Comic Book Anymore."

Although he sort of says cunt here!

• The Spectre has returned to Gotham City to send Baytor back to Hell. Uh oh! Who's going to run Noonan's if Baytor is banished?

• Noonan, Nat, and Tommy get a cameo this issue in a memory! How long before Garth Ennis gets to write another Hitman series? I'm sure he can think up a reason to bring Tommy and Nat back, and some great stories to tell. Heck, he doesn't even have to bring them back. He can just tell new stories from the past.

• The Spectre doesn't remember what Baytor looks like due to DC's constant rebooting of the universe. So he keeps asking, "Who is Baytor? Who is Baytor? Which one of you is Baytor? Come on! Just say which one of you is Baytor?" And Baytor can't resist screaming the only thing he ever screams (well, mostly ever). Luckily Six Pack shuts him up before identifying himself. Section Eight has already lost enough members.

• Constantine tells Dog Welder that he can speak but he has to utilize the dog in a particular way.

This is all canon, right? Completely in continuity, right?

• Baytor finally manages to scream who he is. But he doesn't get sent to hell because everybody at Noonan's pulls a Spartacus on The Spectre. I don't see why The Spectre doesn't just send them all to Hell! What's it to him?

• The Spectre gets on the phone with God to find out what he should do. And whattya know? God thinks like me! He tells The Spectre to just send them all to Hell! That would probably make an entertaining and completely disgusting comic book all on its own.

• Dog Welder arrives and says "We are all Baytor" through the dog on the end of his fist. Apparently that's the first sign of some oncoming apocalypse. I think the second sign is The Spectre shitting his pants.

• Constantine knows of a real apocalypse that's headed Earth's way (probably the one he's bringing about by teaching Dog Welder how to be a proper incarnation of Dog Welder) that only Dog Welder can stop (because he's the only one who can start it?). But first he needs to train Dog Welder! Section Eight decides to tag along since they're supposed to be going on some kind of road trip in this thing and it's already been two issues without leaving Noonan's.

The Ranking!
+1! Ennis has been given this book to criticize DC Comics because what's new? Most of the time biting the hand that feeds you is a poor tactic. But occasionally, biting the hand that feeds you makes you a star! Or is this really just a case of biting the hand that feeds you when you don't need the food but the hand really needs to be associated with you so that the hand can make a shitload of money?

Superman #6

At least Eradicator isn't wearing an obviously unneeded belt.

The Facts!
• Last night I dreamed about the URL tiegue.tumblr.com. Unfortunately, it's just a tumblr page which exists without posts. Stupid dream head. Why couldn't you dream up an interesting tumblr?! Idiot.

• I often read in my dreams (not long texts! Just bits and pieces. Like URLs or signs or tumblr responses to putting tiegue in the search followers box to see if they follow me on tumblr) and occasionally I'll write as well. But while I often wake up remembering thoughts I've had which fuel later writing, I can never remember anything I physically write in a dream. Except for once! One time I woke myself up as I read what I had written and jotted it down before it could flee my mind. It was this: "Still the water continued to boil and churn, so much that even if a million hives of bees had been sunk there, it would not have been enough."

• This issue begins with Superman realizing that this is Issue #6 and that the story needs to end quickly so that it will fit neatly into the usual sized trade paperback. Up until now, he had no incentive to end the battle. I suppose trying to keep his family alive could be incentive but, I mean, is it really? Really?

Eradicator sounds like every Sea Lion on Twitter. "Why are you so angry, Superman? I'm just asking questions! Why don't you just answer my totally harmless questions that are simply based on mere curiosity and not on an agenda at all?!"

• I think it took me six issues to realize that The Eradicator is a racist! Previously, I was just all, "Oh yeah! He's just super proud of being Kryptonian! Nothing wrong with that! That's a totally normal and patriotic thing to do when you can't find any real reasons to love yourself or others!" And now I'm all, "Did he just use the term 'half-breed'? Why would he...oh. I see what Kryptonian Pride actually stands for!"

• Some of you might be thinking, "How the fuck did you not realize he was a racist, Tess?! He's called The Eradicator! He's been trying to stomp out Jon's human side since the beginning! He's violently Pro-Kryptonian!" To you I'd respond, "Are you familiar with my blog?! I lie about shit to say other shit all of the time! Obviously I knew he was racist! And to prove I totally knew, I'm going to go back and change my previous commentaries to make sure I've said it previously!"

• I hope I actually did mention it previously so that now those mentions themselves are totally suspect!

• Clarity is not something I care about. Obfuscation is fun! I put the fu...n in obfuscation!

• In his zeal to defend his family, Superman destroys the moon. I mean, technically it's still there. But now it has a big hole straight through it and a large chunk has collapsed in on itself thanks to Batman's lunar excavations. On the plus side, Eclipso's property values probably just went way down.

• Superman's plan to defeat Eradicator involves a term I assume I'm just now coining: Kryptokake.

• I wish I had coined the phrase "to coin a phrase."

• Superman left Krypto behind in The Eradicator to help defeat The Eradicator. It seems weird that a purity freak like The Eradicator would think of a Kryptonian Dog as just another Kryptonian soul. I guess even disgusting racist dickholes love dogs. I mean, I don't love dogs! Mostly because they're usually hanging around dog owners.

• Superman and Krypto kill The Eradicator. I think The Eradicator was probably mostly robot or something, right? One of those World Killers? And I suppose Superman thinks it's okay to destroy a sentient robot even if you don't think of yourself as a killer. It's easy enough to rationalize that The Eradicator's sentience was just programming. Plus it's hard to tell a story about a monster who can't be stopped if the hero isn't allowed to kill it at the end. Therefore, comic books find it acceptable to kill certain sentient beings: robots, weird aliens who don't speak English, those returned from the dead with a chip on their shoulder, Doomsday (who, I think, falls into the weird aliens who don't speak English category).

• The people of Earth look up to see a mushroom cloud on the moon. I would be so pissed if I missed seeing that!

• I took a break to go to the store and had the most emotional interaction I'll probably have with another human being all month. I was looking at the flavors of canned cat food when an old man walked up and said, "Gotta find something that damn cat will eat." I loaded some food in my basket and said, as I walked away, "Picky bastards!"

Ugh! Just like a Twitter Sea Lion! You think you've put it down and crushed it with logic and it continues to bray incoherently!

• You know, there's a huge part of me that wishes I were doing a subtle parody comic book review site for the Manosphere.

• Superman takes The Eradicator's cape and ties it around Krypto's neck. Then he puts a bandanna around his neck and renames him Harley Tats. Then I throw up.

• After nearly destroying the moon and risking major flooding around the globe in the process (that's my hot take on Superman actually being responsible and taking The Eradicator fight to the moon!), Superman fixes up the Moon Landing Stage Decorations and poses for a photo op. Now the world knows the new Superman is just as good as the old Superman (if not like five million times better because this Superman hasn't been written by Scott Lobdell!).

• Now that Krypto is back, how are Pet Murdering Bastards Pat and Pete going to bring back Goldie?! I won't forgive them until they figure it out! Jerks!

• Now that the battle is over, here's some cute stuff that I will also ruin with a hot take!

Someday in the future, Jon is going to have memories of wrestling with his nearly naked mom and it will cause...feelings.

• Superman decides it's time to finally introduce Jon to the Justice League. I wonder how long it'll be before Jon and Damian are experimenting with Power Showers?

• Batman discovers it's going to cost him ten billion dollars to fix his Lunar Batcave. Ha ha!

Come on, Batman! Cheer up! This is a Superboy we can all get behind! As opposed to that piece of shit New 52 Superboy who did nothing but ruin every single comic book he guest starred in (which was, like, all of them, I think).

The Opinions!
Is this the best Superman since The New 52 began or the greatest Superman since The New 52 began? If you think I should have thrown in a negative choice, get the fuck out of here! Your opinions are shit! If you're one of those people who defends their opinions by pointing out that all opinions are equal, you do realize that identifies you as a person with shitty opinions, right? Obviously some opinions are more well-informed than others. Like if there were two people with opinions on comic books and one of them was me, my opinion would obviously be the better one in most cases. I suppose if the other person were Grant Morrison or Gail Simone, our opinions would have about equal weight! But only in those cases! I can't think of a case where my opinion would be worse. Maybe if the other opinions were from Jesus?

Rating: +3!

Hard-Travelin' Heroz: Six Pack Loves Dog Welder #1

The Things!
• Time for Six Pack and Dog Welder to see America and realize that they can't solve the world's real problems like racism and homophobia and sexism and whatever affects straight white guys that's as bad as those other things. Maybe poverty for the ones who are the most racist, homophobic, and sexist!

• Don't you wish you never had to clarify anything you said because most people don't understand subtlety and can't seem to think for themselves? From now on, instead of clarifying something that somebody misunderstood (because they generally misunderstand it on purpose in pursuit of their own agenda), I'm just going to start shrugging a lot.

• Garth Ennis decides to get the maudlin bit out of the way before he starts in on the Bueno Excellente sodomy jokes. Hiding in the dark, Dog Welder watches his family from outside the picture window as they settle in with a new father and husband. See, he was possessed by the Dog Welder costume but apparently enough of his old self exists to feel sad over the loss of his old life. Or maybe he was just hoping the presents the kids were opening would contain puppies.

• But enough of that sentimental shit! Let's get back to Noonan's!

• No, Six Pack! You're reading it upside down and probably backwards. The message is that superheroes can't fix racism!

• I think maybe I'm Six Pack! Except without the drinking. Because when he says "Provin' racism is bad, an' AIDS is okay, an' all that kinda important stuff...", I get a sense of deja vu. Like maybe I've said that before! Racism is bad! And AIDS is okay! I mean, it's not the stigma it was when that actor clown was president! Now it's like you meet somebody with AIDS and you're all, "Hey! You've got AIDS too! Great!"

• I sort of missed the point when AIDS seemed to become fairly manageable. Did somebody market a medicine based on Magic Johnson's semen? Maybe I missed it because the media stopped treating AIDS like the Fifth Horseman of the Apocalypse while AIDS medicines just quietly got better and better at managing the disease so that it wasn't the disease that did so much damage to the world. I don't even have it and it's affected my life in really terrible ways. Like every time U2's "One" comes on the radio, I'm like, "Arg! I wish I was dead! But not from AIDS!"

• Six Pack and Hacken are having a discussion at the bar but it's different than their past discussions because Hacken has decided to become an intellectual. Mostly that means he reads books while sitting at a bar deflecting Six Pack's statements back at him as questions and pursing his lips a bit as he sips his cider. So basically he's become one of those people who sip beers at the bar while reading to make up for their lack of a personality. I suppose it's something.

• Hacken lists Section 8's recent missions: Zombie Night at the Petting Zoo; Sandman: the Buenomancer; Secret Bars; and Retardance. So Zombie Night at the Petting Zoo is a riff on Hitman's Zombie Night at the Zoo. Sandman: the Buenomancer is a more disturbing image of Sandman than the Cockroach's version in Cerebus. Secret Bars equals Secret Wars. But Retardance? I'm missing the reference on that one even if the image is not making me laugh at all because that would probably be wrong for some reason.

• Bueno is cheating on Guts with every dumpster in The Cauldron. Guts is currently being consoled in Noonan's by her superhero buddies, Power Girl, Catwoman, and Starfire.

• This issue might have the best characterization of Starfire ever.

• It only takes a few pages for Garth Ennis to freak me the fuck out over how disgusting and terrible the human body is. How does sentience reside in this disgusting meat factory of slop?! It's fucking lipstick on a pig, the human experience! My mind can contemplate the most sublime ideas while my body rumbles, growls, squelches, and slowly fails me. Thanks for bringing me down, Ennis! And you're not off the hook, Russ Braun! Enough with the detailed vomit and snot and drool and whatever all the other puddles and mounds of possibly rectal filth are!

• While Six Pack tries to figure out a way to get the team to at least be better than the Teen Titans, some weird Great Old One shit is going down outside in the sky. And then Constantine arrives to explain to Dog Welder what he really is.

• John also explains that Dog Welder and the mask have some connection with Egypt, so I guess he's sort of like Doctor Fate but with some kind of puppy power. I think if I don't capitalize "puppy power," I'm not infringing any trademarks.

• The big green glowing swirly Great Old One mess in the sky just turns out to be The Spectre. He says he's come for "the fugitive from divine justice" as he points at Section 8. After the whole Constantine bit, it seems obvious he means Dog Welder.

The Review!
Garth Ennis has made a career out of hating super hero comic books and finding ways to write them anyway. Which is really why he generally writes such good superhero comic books. Because he isn't writing comic books about super powers attached to people. He's just interested in writing the stories about people who might just happen to have super powers, or live in a world where people have super powers. Plus since he's writing in that world, he enjoys poking fun at that world just as the fans do constantly, even while still enjoying it. I mean, Garth Ennis wrote Hitman, a guy whose x-ray vision and mind-reading ability were supposed to help make him the greatest hitman ever. And yet how often does he use those powers in the entire run of Hitman? Occasionally he'll use the x-ray vision but I think he practically gives up on the mind-reading right from the start. Anyway, that's how I remember it! I haven't read Hitman in twenty years, probably. Speaking of which, I really should fucking get to reading The Boys, another series that's pretty much anti-superhero. I wonder if Excalibur's Labor Day sale counts for trades too? I guess I should go check later today!

Superman #4

These guys know they shouldn't kill The Eradicator until after pulling Krypto back out of his stomach, right?

The Review!
The Pet Murdering Psychopaths sometimes referred to as the writer and artist of this book go a small ways to making amends for their vile existence. For some reason, I'm a total sucker for a Hacken guest appearance. Bibbo less so but I like seeing him interact with another background character. Hacken could only dream of one day becoming as foreground as a background character can be as Bibbo has become. Some day, instead of thinking, "Who's the guy with the horrible fake hand?", at the appearance of Hacken, people will think, "Oh! It's the poor stupid idiot who chopped off his own hand after it was bitten by a zombie seal!" As you can tell, the minor characters usurped this issue. The rest of it was just Superman punching Eradicator's face off and Eradicator healing his face so he can try sucking down Jon again. What I'm saying is this comic book is trying to make up for being a total dick for the first three issues. Also, Krypto is definitely on his way back, as soon as he can find his way out of the Phantom Zone. And maybe Goldie will come back as a zombie cat and Hacken will lose his other hand!

The Commentary!
Last issue, Tomasi and Gleason decided the best thing they could do with their authorial power was to sucker punch their readers and kick them in the ribs while they were already down. Pet Murderers Tomasi and Gleason have killed two of the Smith family pets in the first three issues of this comic book. I would expect more pet killings out of these sadists but the Smiths have run out of pets. Titus, Alfred the Cat, and Batcow don't know how close they came to being tearjerker plot points! How did these two bloodthirsty bastards resist killing Damian's pets too? I suppose Batcow had immunity since Grant Morrison created Batcow and therefore only Grant Morrison can kill Batcow. But Titus and Alfred are lucky to be alive.

Mostly I'm just mad about the death of Goldie. We all know Krypto isn't really dead. He's just been transported to the Phantom Zone to have his human DNA destroyed. But since he doesn't have any human DNA, maybe something else will happen to him? I hope he doesn't lose his powers. Perhaps he'll find all of the other Super Pets in the Phantom Zone and lead them out through The Eradicator's mouth portal! By the way, what kind of a stupid name is Krypto? How many kids name their dogs Eart? Probably like only a handful of the dumbest ones, right?

This issue begins with Superman and The Eradicator locked in mortal fisticuffs which are causing the Fortress of Solitude to crash down around them. Supergirl really needs to get her act together and start her comic book series soon so she can put a stop to the destruction of her vacation place. How is Clark Smith going to repay her for damages? It's not like he still has that sweet ass, high paying journalism job where he mostly just wrote opinion pieces on how awesome Superman is and the occasional speculative piece about how huge and virile Superman's cock must be. And I doubt the Fortress of Solitude is insured. Maybe for fire or flood but no way is an insurance company going to insure Superman's arctic home for damages caused by Eradicators. They'd go out of business.

No! The portal! You've just ruined the portal! KRYYYYYYYPPTOOOOOOO!

By busting open Eradicator's mouth portal, the souls of all the Kryptonians he sucked up as Krypton exploded escape back into the world. Great! Now the Fortress of Solitude is haunted! Krypto doesn't immediately get vomited out, probably because Jon stole his cape and is now using it as part of his costume.

I know I've been given the Pet Murdering Monsters a hard time for murdering pets because they deserve to be given a hard time. They deserve to have the best comic book critic on the internet say, "Peter J. Tomasi and Patrick Gleason are the biggest fucking monsters of the 21st century and probably the 20th century as well although I will admit that point is debatable." They need to own that they are unfeeling bastards. But I also can't keep hating them because I know they're always going to wind up writing something that makes me smile through my dead cat tears. And they pulled it off this issue with the following scene:

Hacken visiting Bibbo in Metropolis? Goldie who?!

Bibbo and Hacken are arm wrestling over a moon rock. It's Hacken's moon rock so I don't know what Bibbo was betting on the outcome. His bar, maybe? Maybe he was offering to put up the money so Hacken could get a better prosthetic hand? It doesn't matter because Bibbo won. Bibbo wants to add the moon rock to his Superman collection and Hacken starts to go on about how friends you lost stay lost and don't come back. I hope that's foreshadowing about Hitman coming back!

As Hacken and Bibbo are discussing lost friends, a wave of Kryptonian souls splashes down through the ceiling depositing Superman and Superboy on the pool table. Superman is mumbling something about Krypto barking while souls fly around the room and the "moon rock" hovers over the Kryptonian and his son. Lois is there too but she's not unconscious. She's too busy writing the article in her head about the day Earth became lousy with lost Kryptonian souls.

Apparently there was some Krytponite in the moon rock which attracted all of the Kryptonian souls. I guess your senses improve when you die. Some of the souls are confused and angry and possess the bar patrons. Others talk it out with Superman and pretend to be Pa Kent to get the message to him that they're finally free. The Eradicator was keeping them from moving on because of his obsession with things never changing. Speaking of The Eradicator, he healed his face portal and has returned to Hoover up the escaping souls.

Superman doesn't want to destroy Metropolis battling the Eradicator so he sticks some bait in a submersible submarine and flies off to a safe place to battle the Eradicator: the moon! Also, the bait is his son Jon. Lois is also in the submarine, probably to keep Jon calm so he won't use up too much oxygen. Although she's probably using more oxygen than a panicked Jon. So maybe Superman just didn't want to leave any of his family behind. He can't protect them both if they're split up!

Is it safe to take a submersible into space? I know Superman explains why it should be okay but, I mean, space is not like miles underwater! It's practically the exact opposite! It's not wet at all. Oh, and the pressure is different or something. I wonder if xkcd would clear this up for me?

Superman #2

In this issue: Superman versus clouds.

The Review!
Don't think I'm going to easily forget that Pete and Pat killed Goldie the Cat last issue to manipulate the feelings of the readers! Goldie's death should be about Goldie and not about how Jon reacts to having killed Goldie! Godlie's death should not be a footnote in Jon's life! She was a person! Well, a cat! But that probably makes it even worse because cats are cute and adorable! I can't wait until my new website, Kittens in Refrigerators, is up and running so I can really lay into Peter J. Tomasi! What a jerk! By the way, this issue was as good as it could possibly be after having the entire series be ruined by the Goldie's death scene! So, you know, it was enjoyable! But I still hate you, Tomasi and Gleason! With burning rage! I will probably write a poem about it later!

The Commentary!
This issue begins with Superman and his son, Jon, flying out to help an Icebreaker caught in the ice. Well, well! You thought you had the perfect name for your ship, didn't you, Mister I Built The Icebreaker Ship! Now who has egg on their face? You! Not you the reader! You the person or people responsible for the Icebreaker! It was probably a whole team of scientists and engineers and warmongers who came up with the idea after the Titanic hit some ice and sank. I wonder if the hulls of Icebreaker ships are made out of teeth because my teeth can break ice like a champ!

It turns out the ship needing rescue is a submarine that broke through the ice and became damaged and the Icebreaker just sent out the distress call so I guess the egg is on somebody else's face now! I won't mention whose though because I wouldn't want to embarrass me. Although it's also possible that Tomasi, being a huge cat-killing jerk, thought Icebreakers were submarines and completely screwed up this entire story right from the start! I bet that's what happened because I like to believe that pet murdering jerks make stupid mistakes!

While Superman gloats about his victory to the crew of the submarine, a giant squid attacks! It must be after the uranium fuel! Jon watches off in the distance afraid that if he uses his heat vision to help, he'll kill all of the cats in the world.

The Squid is being controlled by some robotic attachment which makes sense because I didn't really think a giant squid was hungry for uranium. Although how do they get so big if it's not by eating uranium, hunh? Answer that! Not so stupid a thought now, is it?

But what about all of the cats ever?!

Superman teaches Jon how to concentrate his heat vision into a fine laser so that next time he has to save a cat from a tree, he doesn't burn down the forest and all of the cats too.

I don't think I've expressed my anger at Goldie's death enough yet! So here's another fuck you, Tomasi!

Oh, and by learning to use his heat vision, Jon destroys the technology controlling the squid and saves the day without killing any innocent creatures.

Superman gives Jon the talk. Not the one my parents never gave me so now I have no idea if I've ever had sex or not! The talk about how being Superman isn't about punching things into submission. He's all, "That was the other Superman! The one who didn't know any better! But we're good Supermen! We're not worried about fangenders thinking we're too powerful or that we're cosmic boy scouts! We do the right thing when the right thing needs to be done for the right reasons! And that's that!" And Jon says, "I killed the fucking cat, okay?! It was me! You knew I did it and you tricked me into admitting it and I hate you forever!" Unless he actually reacted like a good kid who feels ashamed for what he did and for lying about it too. That might be how he actually reacted but it's so foreign to me that I had to make up my own story at this point. Parents and kids just don't have sweet talks about real life! They scream and throw McDonald's pies at each other!

After Superman and Superboy leave, the remains of the robotic technology take samples of the plasma created by Superboy's heat vision and determine that there is a half-human, half-Kryptonian kid running around Earth. And it knows the kid is from the House of El! So it must be Brainiac since he knows so goddamned much.

ARRRRRRRGGGGGGHHHHHH! Stop bonding over Goldie's death! I miss Judas so much!

The neighbor girl wanders out to sit in a tree with Jon and maybe sneak a kiss. It might not be behind the barn but on the cheek will do just as well. But Jon gets embarrassed and destroys the branch they're sitting on by clenching his super butt cheeks too tight. He knocks himself out from the fall so I guess his invulnerability hasn't kicked in too well yet. He's fire resistant but not knock to the head resistant, I guess.

Oh, and apparently Lois and Clark have changed their name again from "White" to "Smith". Creative!

Clark and Lois can't figure out why Jon could get a concussion when he's developed so many other powers. I bet it's because nobody wants another character that's overpowered! He needs to have some flaws! I guess concussions are going to be Jon's kryptonite.

And finally, the mystery DNA reader winds up being Eradicator. That makes sense because last issue's Next Blurb mentioned something about eradication. I just forgot because I was so angry about the death of Goldie. But I think I probably made a Squash joke about the Eradicator! That's a Kids in the Hall reference!

Superman #1

His pants are full of people!

The Review!
On one hand, this is a promising start to a new Superman series. On the other hand, Tomasi and Gleason are assholes who I will never forgive for this comic book. Ever. Ever fucking ever. Fuck them forever. Fucking dicks. If you haven't read this comic book and you want your heart to break, go ahead and read the commentary part of this or rush out and pick up this comic book. Or you could just throw yourself in front of a bus. The pain of being broken by a bus is probably on par with the pain this comic book has caused me. Dicks.

The Commentary!
Tomasi and Gleason wrote one of the consistently emotional books of The New 52, Batman and Robin. It was endearing. It made Damian endearing. Well, it did to me! Although I didn't know anything about Damian Wayne since Batman and Robin was my first experience of the character. I'm hoping that they can manage the same trick with Jon White because I hate the little turd right now. Mostly for no reason! Which is why it should be really easy for Tomasi and Gleason to give me reasons to like him! I currently don't have any defense for hating him but if they can give me a scene where Jon compares his shoe to Clark's, I'll be all, "Stupid fucking jerk! Damian already did that! You aren't cute!" Hmm. Okay, maybe it's going to take a little work to get me to like Jon.

The issue begins with Superman visiting Superman's grave. Preboot Superman really needs to forget about New 52 Superman already. Mostly because I just want to forget about him and it's difficult to forget about him when Preboot Superman won't stop going on and on about how he was a hero. How about going on and on about how he constantly endangered the lives of everybody on Earth? You can tell the story about how he was mind-controlled by Queen Bee. Or maybe what about the time he was hopped up on Joker Venom and out of control? Or maybe that time he contracted the Doomsday Virus and just about destroyed the entire world? Or what about the time Circe had him under her thumb because he's so vulnerable to magic? Or how about when Vandal Savage stole all of his power and used it against the Earth? I could go on and on but I think you get my point. New 52 Superman was more dangerous to Earth than the 80s Teen Titans were dangerous to New York. That's dangerous!

I knew this kid was unlikeable! He actually has a Cyclops action figure (DC Version for trademark reasons, of course! But it's obviously meant to be him with the visor and the straps that make an "X"!)! CYCLOPS?! Ugh. The worst.

Dammit! I scanned my first scan too early! I was all, "This book has been nothing but huge swathes of color with little more action than Superman touching the grass of Superman's grave until it glowed with blue radiation and Superman hugging a cow! But it's almost half over so I'd better scan something! I'll scan this picture of Damian Wayne. What's he doing on the farm? Sleepover? Oh wait! That's Jon! And he has an action figure that looks close enough to Cyclops that I can use it as another reason to hate him!" But then I turned the page and Tomasi and Gleason finally come through for me! They finally give me the only thing I've truly been waiting for since Clark and Lois and Jon White fled their old home in Salinas during the Death of New 52 Superman story arc!

The cat's name is Goldie!

Um. A few pages later, I'm sorry they let me know the name of the cat. I'm also sorry I ever liked anything Tomasi and Gleason ever wrote. I'm sorry they were ever born even! Fucking jerks! I don't need to bond with Jon by reading a story where he accidentally kills his own fucking cat. I never need to read that story! Why am I reading that story?! Oh my god I hate them forever!

Just in case you weren't following along or haven't read this series, Goldie gets grabbed by a hawk and Jon gets scared and angry and incinerates both the hawk and Goldie with his heat vision. So yeah. Jon has to live with one of the most traumatic things a person can go through. It's bad enough when a pet dies and you constantly think of all the ways in which you were to blame or the things you could have done to maybe make it better. But to have to live with being the actual, physical cause of your pet's death? Christ. I can't even imagine. I can come close since I once spent some time on the phone weeping with my cousin who had accidentally run over his own deaf cat, Yang, because it didn't hear his car on the driveway. I can come close because the Non-Certified Spouse's father was carrying his dog, Rudy, down some stairs when he slipped and dropped Rudy, causing an injury that eventually led to Rudy having to be euthanized. I can come close because I still blame myself for leaving town and not being around Judas, my cat, when his body threw the clot that would eventually lead to his death. I mentioned before that I referred to him as my familiar and I felt that the bond we shared was broken by my weekend trip which stressed him out enough to raise his blood pressure which caused him to throw a clot which got hung up in an artery in his left leg. I know that's just what happened, and what would have happened, but he was old and frail and my best friend and I should never have left him.

I can imagine what Jon is about to go through and suddenly I can't hate the kid for no reasons at all. I can claim it's a cheap trick on Tomasi and Gleason's part to kill a beloved pet but it fucking worked, didn't it? Now I care about the stupid brat. But I don't care about Tomasi and Gleason! I hate them! I hope they think it was worth the sacrifice!

A neighbor girl sees Jon use his heat vision to kill some poor innocent animals and Jon sees her see him. But that won't be interesting until later because the girl disappears. She probably ran off to write in her diary, "Dear Diary! I just saw the grooviest farmhand ever! I want to kiss him behind the barn!" And by "behind the barn," she actually just meant behind a barn. She's a little girl, you disgusting pervert.

Later at dinner, it's revealed that Jon decides to hide his shame of killing the family cat with the powers he wasn't supposed to use. That shit is eventually going to come out bad! And then the little girl, Kathy, stops by to announce that she's a new neighbor! She doesn't stay long.

Long enough to send Jon around the guilty bend though.

Later that night while Jon is crying alone in his room, he sees Wonder Woman and Batman stop by to have a chat with his dad. His super hearing isn't well-developed so he can't eavesdrop on the conversation very well but I'm sure there's some discussion about Superman filling out an application for the Justice League. Or at least letting Batman interview him so that they can determine he isn't a threat to the Earth. Not that being a huge threat to the Earth stopped the last Superman from getting a job with the Justice League. It's also possible Diana was just checking to see if he might want a little side action and Batman is desperate to replace his only friend.

Superman comes up stairs and tells Jon to throw on some clothes because they have to go somewhere without telling Lois. Or maybe he told Lois on his way upstairs. Preboot Superman seems like the kind of Superman who tells Lois everything. I need to try to remember this Superman is a good Superman and completely forget about that other Superman that was a bad Superman! I hope Gleason and Tomasi stop mentioning the old one. Also, I hope they stop having characters kill their own pets. Dicks.