World's End #12

Look at all the creators! I guess we're back to ten different plot threads crammed into each issue.

Friends Update!

Last issue, Big Barda manipulated Mister Miracle into freeing Darkseid. I guess that explains why Scott Free and Fury are slightly annoyed at Big Barda over in Futures End.

I'm not sure if time in the dimension where New Genesis and Apokolips reside flows the same as in ours. Am I supposed to believe that Darkseid was so damaged by his fight with Earth-Main-Earth that he had to eat the heart of his own planet to feel better? And by eating that heart, he would become trapped in the Mobius Chamber for a few years? Or is he in the chamber to console himself after Batman pissed all over his turf? Also, Darkseid apparently made a deal with Highfather which gave the Earth-2 Universe to Darkseid to do with as he pleases if he'd just leave the other 51 Universes alone. So why the fuck is Highfather still so hot to defeat Darkseid over in the Godhead crisis? Maybe the Anti-Monitor should show up already and just wipe the Apokolips Dimension off the face of everything.

This issue begins with everybody on Apokolips kissing Darkseid's ass and polishing his throne and pretending that they weren't all happy that he'd been out of the picture.

This entire story so far has given Apokolips the reputation for being a fragile planet that can barely sustain itself without feeding on hope and the hearts and minds of millions of innocents. Is that why it's called the "God planet"?

Down in the firepits of Geneva, Power Girl and Huntress depict that scene where one friend has gone evil or rabid and the other friend is all, "I know my friend is still in there! All you need are hugs and positive affirmations!" And the other friend is all, "Hiss! Spit! I am the devil's pincushion! Blarg!" And the other friend is all, "No! No! I know you can hear me! I love you and you love me! Fight against the evil! Fight!" And the other friend is all, "Fri...fri...fri...NO! RAWR! I'M EVIL NOW!" And then the evil friend runs away because love is so strong that they must flee or else be turned back to good! I like when that scene was an entire book about a rabid dog and then it ended with the acknowledgment that the dog had always tried to be good and never wanted to kill anybody but what could he do, having been stricken by fate or destiny or possibly just a degenerative nerve disease called rabies? Trying to hug it out with that dog was a mistake! Love isn't as powerful as those musicians on that funky submarine would lead you to believe.

People are being betrayed by their friends all over the place! That's probably why this issue was called "Betrayal."

"By the way, I have Scoliosis."

Over in Chicago, Dick Grayson is acting just like Dick Grayson would act. He gave his son to Constantine so his son could get to safety while he remained in the path of a tidal wave to murder the man that shot Barbara Grayson. And after that was done, he just stands there waiting to be washed away. Earth-2 Dick Grayson has completely captured the spirit of what makes Dick Grayson such a great character! Weakness, defeatism, violence! It's all here!

More betrayal when Commander Khan discovers that Terry Sloan planted a bomb aboard their spaceship. Granted, that betrayal was entirely expected. It's why Khan searched the entire ship until he found the hidden bomb that he just knew Sloan would have planted. They then punch each other in the face a bunch of times until the scene shifts.

Earthlings begin evacuating into the Project Beyond tunnels under the United States but even those, as The Streak Starring Jay Gimmick discovers, are full of Apokoliptians.

And lastly, The Avatars of the Earth continue to battle the Four Horsewomen of Apokolips. I mean three. Although The Huntress joins up with them because nobody quakes in their boots about the mention of the Three Horsewomen of Apokolips. They just look around with an awkward smile thinking, "Are you having a laugh? Are you taking the piss?"

World's End #12 Rating: -1 Ranking. Still too much going on. They're trying to pack too much into each two or three pages allotted to each plot thread. This winds up creating a bunch of snapshots that have no emotional impact at all. And most of the plot threads simply kind of cancel each other out. Who cares about the Avatars defeating the Four Horsewomen if the Earth is destroyed by a rain of moon debris and floods anyway? Who cares if Dick Grayson survives while billions of other people die? Did this story really need to be told? Instead of giving us a rushed, half-assed version of the final days of Earth-2, wouldn't it have been better to just keep everything vague, filling in small moments with stories from those heroes who survived the war? Anyway, this was my favorite moment so far:

Really? Honestly? Only minutes left? Hallelujah!

FRIENDS UPDATE!
With the third episode, the series can begin to get into the real meat of the profound themes the show is best remembered for. We've gotten to the heart of each of the characters and now we understand them just enough to follow them on their dark journeys. The third episode concentrates mainly on three of the six friends. First off, we have Chandler resurrecting an old habit, the vice of smoking which disgusts his friends. Here we find out that Chandler is not so above it all as we once thought; he is not our joke spewing friend we met two episodes ago. Here is the demon version of Chandler, Chandler That Was, the one only hinted at by his incessant need to keep his distance from the others. This is man that will do whatever he can to get whatever he wants. At one point, he spews venom into the caring faces of his friends and they all turn on each other as he happily goes about his smoking in peace. Here is a grumpy, mean-spirited, beaten down man that cares more about his cigarettes than his friends. Who is the smoking Chandler? What secrets does his impish face and sarcastic demeanor hide? We only get hints to his darkness in this episode, but it is enough to make us wonder: will he someday do violence to one of the other friends?

Second, we see Phoebe dealing with the fear of adulthood through her superstitions and conspiracy-minded beliefs. Modern day has allowed people to live a near decade in a transitory place between childhood and adulthood. This is probably the main thrust of the series which people remember fondly because they were too mired in self-denial to understand the nefarious message the show was trying to get across. This strange limbo allowed by modern day luxury is not a place of fun time jokey friendship hangouts in coffee shops. It is full of fear of the unknown, the loss of the comforting safety of home, the terrifying and dizzying struggle to maintain balance on the precipice of adulthood as one watches all of their innocent, childhood things recede into the past. This is a scary place to be. And it hits Phoebe full force when she suddenly finds her bank has made an error in her favor and deposited five hundred dollars into her account. Five hundred dollars! That's adult money! She panics because, in Phoebe's world view which makes this entire scenario more palatable to an audience expecting jokes and whimsy, Phoebe believes that the Karmic debt of this windfall will destroy her life. And no matter what she does to remove this debt and allow her to wallow in the peace of near-adult limbo, she continues to gain more and more money. Eventually she finds a thumb in a soda can which only results in a payout by the soda company in the amount of seven thousand dollars. She rids herself of this money by giving it to Chandler so that he'll quit smoking. He accepts and in this moment, we see that Chandler, more than the others, already has one foot in the adult world. Perhaps his previous demons have caused him to grow up too fast, or perhaps they have allowed him to see money as a panacea, to accept the world for what it is. He is the least ready to deny the transition.

Speaking of characters having a foot in the adult world, the literal potato sack Ross might seem to be the most adult in that he is married (currently separated from his partner) and has a degree in dinosaurs and a real job at a museum. But this adult life he entered too soon, and as the show begins, it is all falling apart around him.

The final story revolves around Monica's boyfriend who is a father figure to the entire group. We see in their admiration and love for this man a group of people completely devoid of strong fathers in their lives. The only person not completely charmed by this man is Monica. But that makes sense because once she realizes she is dating a father figure, the relationship loses its sexual allure. She must abandon this man and thus the hearts of all of her friends are broken once more by an untimely loss of dad. The episode ends with everybody losing themselves in gallons of ice cream as they deny the despair and heartbreak and the loss which life has heaped upon them year after year. They are in a dark place but they are together, and they have each other, and thus the title of the series becomes doubly important in that they are all they have to cling to in a world that offers nothing but pain and loss.

Batman and Robin #37

Batman and Robin donate cans of Split Pea Soup to Gotham's Campaign to Feed the Hungry and Insane.

Last issue (pronounced 'iss-yew' because I've become a pretentious snob since embarking on my campaign to become the next Poet Laureate of Portland, Oregon), Darkseid had finally come to see what all the hullabaloo was on his planet. It was, of course, Batman trying to get his dead son's corpse back. Except Damian might not be as dead as you'd expect. But he isn't quite as alive as you'd expect either. It was more like he was a survivor in a plane crash and was currently dealing with Polar Bears, Smoke Monsters, and a severe heroin addiction.

Anyway (do I say 'anyway' too much? That and 'meanwhile' are probably my top words for this blog, right after 'fuck'), now Darkseid is about to get his ass kicked by Hellbatman and the Batkids (guest staring Cyborg and Titus). Or, more likely, Darkseid will just be taunted by Batman until he uses his Omega Effect to accidentally bring Damian back to life. Unless he does it on purpose! I bet if he does it on purpose, it will come with some kind of Stephen King curse in a Maine accent: "You reap what you sow, Batman. Ayuh. You reap what you sow."

This issue is called "Black Hole Son" because Damian is only ten years old, otherwise it might have been called "Man in the Box."

The only other person I can see standing up to Darkseid like this is Preboot Amanda Waller. Fuck. Now I want to see that. Can that happen in this convergence thing?! Darkseid versus Preboot Amanda Waller? Hey DC? Can I write that?! I'd also like to see Cheeks versus Brother Geek. Since Brother Geek appeared briefly in Green Team, that can be a possibility!

Batman punches Darkseid in the face and now I'm wondering when this takes place. Maybe Darkseid is behind the chaos in Batman Eternal! And Damian has just been off in dance class during every issue which is why we haven't seen him yet.

Darkseid returns the favor with some kind of one legged piledriver? It's hard to name wrestling moves that can't be done normally because most wrestlers aren't three times as big as their opponents (at least not since Andre the Giant died).

I think this is some kind of Superfly Smash or something?

I think to defeat Darkseid, Batman is going to have to get him in a Figure Four while Cyborg puts a Sleeper Hold on him and Batgirl gets him in a Camel Clutch. I think that's about all the wrestling moves I remember.

Batman throws a weak upper punch as Batgirl tries to fix Cyborg's BOOM Tube circuitry. Too bad it's located in his pelvis so she's completely distracted by his penis. And it's not helping that every time Cyborg sees her eyes glance toward it, a little more blood flows into it and it flinches and grows. I bet Batgirl grabs it in both hands and screams, "One chance left to jump start the BOOM Tube!" as she closes her eyes and...well, you know.

I think this was Andre the Giant's signature move!

The BOOM Tube opens as Batgirl wipes her mouth and Darkseid finally blasts Batman with his Omega Beams. Surprise! That's just what Batman wanted! He catches the Omega Beams in the Chaos Shard and powers up his suit with the limitless energy of Darkseid's eyeball's ejaculate.

That settles it. Nobody can beat Batman.

Everybody makes it through the BOOM Tube and Alfred begins serving sandwiches to celebrate. Except first Batman has to shed his Hellbat Suit and plunge the Chaos Crystal into Damian's heart as he bellows something about the Omega Sanction equaling life. Also, this somehow cures his Apokolyptian acne. Anyway, it works because comic books.

Why is Alfred in his 90s Comic Book Alfred Costume?

And then Batman collapses and Damian screams "Father!" and Batgirl says "OMG!" and Alfred thinks about asking for a raise and Red Robin says "Holy crap" and Red Hood says that too and Cyborg goes, "Whut?! Whut?! Can somebody tell me what's going on?!" because he's in pieces and strapped to Titus's back or something.

So that's it! Damian Wayne is back and everything can go back to normal, right? Right? What's that? There's still one more Robin Rises book left, you say?! I'm sure it's just thirty pages of Robin saying things like, "So where's Dick?" and "Don't lie to me about Dick" and "What kind of secret mission is Dick on?" and "When can I go visit Dick?"

Batman and Robin #37 Rating: +1 Ranking. Why is Highfather going through so much trouble over in Godhead to find a way to defeat Darkseid? Hasn't he heard about Batman?!

World's End #11

Sonnet #WE11: "Father's Day"

Visage of stone which taught me how to act,
Ignoring all that I desired to be.
Imagination rectified to fact.
A miracle turned into pure fury.

A dream of God, a father far away,
Reminded me that I was not of stone
Nor flesh nor blood but love and spirit made,
Which merely left me feeling more alone.

Each voice commanded me to be like him.
And though a moth attracted to each flame,
I could not bow to each and every whim,
So chose escape and neither of their game.

And so a voice I'd known yet hardly heard
Whispered, "God and Father are both absurd."

World's End #11 Rating: +1 Ranking. It gets that ranking mostly because it was one full story instead of thirty different plot threads! And I apologize, after the fact, on some of my line stresses. But fuck it! It's 400 years after Shakespeare and even he didn't pay perfect fealty to the iambic pentameter over the message or the words he wanted to use. Besides, I only spent about forty minutes on this (including the reading and coming up with a theme and sorting the thoughts of each stanza and, well, you know...the words and syllables are the easy part!).

Godhead #1

I'm sorry but does DC have zero employees in the "Please Let A Cynic Look At The Cover Before We Put It On The Stands" Department?

I can't be the only one that thinks Hal Jordan's reaction is to Darkseid blowing Highfather, right? I mean, the series is called "Godhead." And Highfather is directly quoted as bringing Darkseid to his knees with seven cock rings. The big #1 One-Shot doesn't help me dispel the image of Highfather's quivering cosmic man-meat spraying life equating juices all over Darkseid's stony maw. Anyway, DC, if you need somebody to head up your Department of Defeating Accidental Sexual Innuendo, put your dick in my mouth!

Godhead is a story about the long standing feud between Highfather of New Genesis and Darkseid of Apokolips. It's also a story of what happens when you're a member of a meddling cosmic police force that thinks they need to stick their noses into the business of every species in the known universe. It's what happens when somebody gets their immortal peanut butter into the chocolatey goodness of the most powerful weapon in the universe. That was not a description of Apokoliptian anal sex.

This Cosmic Money Shot begins with an explanation of how the universe was created. It's less about masturbation than previous Green Lantern creation tales though which is disappointing.

No, no. My mistake. God still flung cum all over the darkness to create existence.

Darkseid and Highfather have been in a cold war for billions of years. Neither one is very good at maths, so they've reached a stalemate where Highfather can't figure why he keeps getting the Life Equation wrong and Darkseid can't add two to two. But Highfather knows where the answers lie! In the great teacher's text known as The Source Wall! It is there that the story begins as Highfather and Metron examine it closely for a way in. The wall was breached by Kyle Rayner during the Relic Crisis which should probably be known as the Chicken Little Fiasco. Highfather speaks with Relic and discovers the way past the Source Wall: the Green Lantern Rings! Using the power of every color united, a person may pass the Source Wall and read the equation. Or, alternately, they can find Kyle Rayner and ask him if he remembers the Life Equation. He might remember it since he fucked around with it and changed it significantly. Small wonder the universe hasn't completely unraveled since then.

Over on Mogo, Saint Walker continues to despair. Or pout. Or shirk his duties. One of those! His ring still hangs out with him because, and this is a huge guess on my part, nobody else in the universe has any hope. Everybody still believes Kyle Rayner is dead but I have a suspicious feeling that he'll reveal himself during this cosmic crisis. Then Saint Walker will get a huge head erection and his ring will finally have him back. Unless Highfather takes Saint Walker's ring first. Isn't it the only Blue Lantern Ring left in the cosmos?

The Council of Elrond.

On New Korugar, Sinestro plans his next big snoozefest. He's all, "I do things my way because my way is the greatest way!" And Lyssa is all, "But the future says differently!" And Sinestro is all, "What is the future to me? I am Sinestro!" And Arkillow is all, "Wut?" And then a New God that I don't know BOOM Tubes in, jerks off her sword, and says, "Your ring. Give it to me." And Sinestro is all, "Hardy har har har!" And Arkillo is all, "Wut?" And Sinestro is all, "Oh no! I have fallen and I can't get up! Stop her and prove how mighty you are, Arkillo!" And Arkillo is all, "Wut? I mean, to arms!" And then he's all, "My fingers!" And then the New God is all, "BOOM!"

In other words, one ring down, six to go!

Over on Okaara, Larfleeze is all, "Mine mine mine! I am not a monkey!" But the New God that has paid him a visit is all, "Give me the ring, monkey." And then Larfleeze cries while trying to scoop up each tear, sobbing, "Mine! Mine! Mine!"

In other words, two rings down, whatever seven minus two is to go!

If I may put forward a slight observation from a Grandmaster Comic Book Reader: Lanterns are garbage.

The most powerful weapons in the universe can be stolen so easily! I think it's time to begin installing the rings in the butt. Not every creature capable of wearing a ring has fingers, so there have been modifications to the system, right? Where does Mogo even keep his? Up his grand canyon?

Over on Nok, the nok of the nok noks, another New God (this one with a pig dog and a dwarfish beard braid) takes a ring off of an Indigo Lantern. The Indigo Lantern, proffering the hand with the ring, is all, "Um...no, no! This is me protesting vehemently. Please do not take the ring or I will become a serial killer again and begin drinking the blood of young virgin children and eating the spleens of late night driving teenagers found alone on the highway and cutting off the sexual organs of elderly folks who thought they were just out to get an early bird breakfast. Please do not make me into that glorious creature. Did I say glorious? I meant awful. That awful creature." And the New God is all, "Sorry, Dudebro. But I gots ta do what I gots ta do. Here, take this Grandmaster Magic Sword in trade. But don't use it to go on some killing spree or nuttin, sees?"

In other words, a bunch of rings down, a few more to go.

I don't really know what's going on with the Red Lanterns but apparently one of the humans that earned a ring back when Atrocitus conscripted all the Type A people on Earth into joining the Red Lanterns still has her ring. But that makes sense because to take a Red Lantern's ring is to kill a Red Lantern and Charles Soule just recently killed off all the extra Red Lanterns. This Red Lantern is angry at the sex slave trade for some reason. Doesn't she like illegal free market capitalism which manipulates the lives of powerless people and makes ungodly profits at the expense of the free will of seemingly powerless people? Is she a communist? Anyway, she frees all of the sex slaves ever which is as much resolution for her anger as she's going to get.

Leave it to Charles Soule to be all, "Hey, dickheads! While you're reading your funny book, remember that the world is full of awfulness and misery and people fighting for their lives and their power and their dignity and every fucking thing they have which is hardly anything but is still being taken from them by monsters. And you...look at you. Reading a funny book with one hand down your pants hoping some artist decides to draw a little hint of a nip, you fucking fanperv."

I've lost count but since the next scene is Orion and Metron BOOM Tubing onto Mogo, I have a feeling only two rings are left: Green and Blue. Saint Walker's ring should be easy to take! Just shove him on his ass and scoop it up! But Mogo's is probably hidden deep within some lava filled chasm! Surrounded by thousands of tons of rock and dirt!

Oh. Oh, Mogo, you big dumb ball of dumb.

Mogo and Saint Walker lose their rings and they deserved it! Just letting something so powerful float around your head or hang from a twiggy branch on a tree. Although now that Mogo's lost his ring, what's going to happen to all the non-Lanterns on the planet? It doesn't look like Mogo was currently in a hospitable zone in some nice, cozy sun-drenched solar system! Is everybody on planet going to freeze to death?! If that's the case, hopefully some other Green Lantern (*coughHalJordancough*) will give Mogo their ring to save everyone.

Once he has all the rings, Highfather has them fitted into his mace so that he can wield the White Light which, apparently, is the Life Equation. So Kyle has been master of the Life Equation all this time? Which means Nekron or Black Hand wields the Anti-Life Equation? How has Darkseid been so blind? Shouldn't he have smelled the Black Lanterns? He's gotten too distracted searching all over the multiverse for a comfortable chair.

Highfather tests out his new device only to find using all the rings together does not equal the Life Equation. It just equals the ability to destroy a Black Lantern. What he needs is an actual White Lantern Ring. So now he has to find Kyle Rayner and punch him in the balls. Plus, Highfather has decided that all of the other Lanterns are too dangerous to live. That means it's once again that time of year: LANTERN COSMIC CRISIS! At least this time, they all get to fight together.

Godhead #1 Rating: This is just a one-shot! It doesn't get a rating! But as far as cosmic crises go, I have to say it might be my favorite yet of The New 52 because it involves the New Gods and it will involve, hopefully, Darkseid (unless he just misses it all because he's long stopped caring about anything New Genesis gets up to). Plus nobody is being assimilated by anything else!

Darkseid #1

You don't see this often enough in comics: a sudden attack of diarrhea in the middle of battle.

I'm almost certain that Darkseid shits himself every time he lets loose with an Omega Beam. It's just too powerful to not have a built-in flaw. No respectable Role Playing System would allow this kind of attack without a major penalty. And I think being the Would-Be Conqueror of the Universe would be a bit adverse to shitting himself on the battlefield. Although now I've just realized what Desaad's Number One job is. Or should I say Number Two job! Ha ha! Poop jokes!

I hope this issue follows the Tristram Shandy model and tells about Darkseid's conception. Except maybe not take as long to get to the birth because I want to see Baby Darkseid explode out of his mother's alien vagina with his fists pumped in the air and yelling "It's all mine, bitches!" as he blasts the doctor in the face with his Omega Effect and shits all over his mother's blown out poonanny.

What is the etymology of "poonanny?" Is it because the vagina watches over the asshole in a motherly way? Do vaginas do everything in a motherly way? I know my penis does everything like some asshole Junior High School football coach.

I'm not going to talk about Darkseid in this commentary. Y'all know Darkseid. He's a stupid looking motherfucker that's supposed to be some kind of a bad-ass. He actually looks much better in his modern version than back when Jack Kirby was drawing him. Now, now. Don't get your kittens in a twist over me criticizing The Kirbyman! But his Darkseid just looked like a balding tourist lost in the Ginza while looking for the Red Light District and practicing how to say "Do you give handjobs?" in Japanese.

Japan is a pretty awesome place to visit because people hand you tissues on every single street corner. They understand that you're going to masturbate quite a lot during your visit. Not because you're foreign and not because Japan is some super pervy jerk-off station (although every other video game in the arcade was a puzzle game where you uncovered a naked lady. So I could be wrong about Japan not being a pervy jerk-off station) but because they get that masturbation is going to happen. It's that whole idle hands thing. Sometimes you don't even know you're in the mood and you suddenly think, "Whoa! Hey hand! What are doing down there?" And the next thing you know, you're thinking about that girl walking in front of you in the sundress that was almost but not quite flipping up enough to see her ass. Or the guy in the tight whatevers you people that are into men look for to make you hot. Maybe a dick falling out of a flyhole? Broad shoulders with a long penis? It's a mystery to me! Although I like asses and men have asses! So it's probably the same thing except most men don't wear sundresses. Oh but if they did, amirite, manlovers?

Did you know Darkseid and Highfather were Amish?

Darkseid's career choice on Old Genesis was mud-grubber. I think that's a euphemism for shit farmer. He wanders around New Genesis picking up the gigantic turds and pools of semen which the Old Gods fling all over Old Genesis. He uses the waste as fertilizer for their Oddish crops.

Old God sex right over the village! Cha-ching!

Darkseid gets sick and tired not of grubbing mud but of listening to his stupid brother-in-law praise the stupid Old Gods of stupid Old Genesis. So Darkseid decides to whisper in the ears of the Old Gods as they sleep and that's all it takes to set them at war on each other. Good thing the Old Gods were full of self-doubt and low self-esteem! I often wake from dreams where my cat was pissing on my pillow, find that it was just a dream, and then go punch my cat in the face anyway. "You stupid jerk! If my subconscious decided you were capable of such a betrayal, it must be true! Asshole!"

Oh, don't worry! I'd never actually punch my cat in the face! I usually go for the kidneys.

I think the word you're looking for, Greg Pak, is "worship." The Old Gods feed on worship. This scene has nothing to do with faith. Idiot. This is my first inkling that my friend J.T. was right about you and your stupid writing!

Sometimes I go outside and I look at the tree in the backyard and I say, "Tree. I don't believe in you." Because I lack faith. I suppose if you want to be really idiotically philosophical, you can say that I'm taking the images of the tree that the light brings to the biological function provided by my eyeballs and the interpretation of that sense data by my brain is an act of faith in the existence of the tree. But I'm not into philosophical masturbating. So I don't perceive everything as "an act of faith."

Somehow Darkseid takes his little scythe and goes about killing all of the Old Gods. I think Greg Pak has been playing too much God of War recently. Or else this story is entirely metaphorical. Because it's just stupid to think that a lowly little mud grubber could kill one Old God, let alone them all, even if the Old God's were weary from fighting each other.

So I'm not going to be taking this story literally at all. And DC eventually will realize how fucking stupid it is too and let a better writer rewrite Darkseid's past. But if it is a metaphor, what really happened? I believe Darkseid and Highfather and all the other residents of Old Genesis did believe in Gods. But they were Gods that did not exist. The scene where the village was destroyed? It was just a natural disaster which Highfather and his wife believe they survived due to their praying and their faith. But Darkseid decided to delve into the realm of science to understand why things happened the way they did. And he learned that the answer to "how" or "why" was never "The Old Gods." There was always an explanation even if they didn't know what that explanation was yet. And he brought science to the people of Old Genesis and they learned to disbelieve in the Old Gods. So Darkseid "killed" them with science and technology. But he soon began to use that science and technology in ways that were dark and troublesome to the people of Old Genesis. His brother, Highfather, grew worried and decided that science still needed a moral and ethical compass behind its uses. He tried to get his brother to stop designing weapons and dangerous materials simply because science allowed for their creation. And war erupted between the two brothers. Old Genesis was nearly destroyed by this war and the mighty weapons that Darkseid had created. The planet became nearly lifeless; unlivable.

With his technology, Darkseid created a new planet called Apokolips where he ruled brutally. Highfather developed technology to take to the skies on what he now dubbed New Genesis (as seen in Wonder Woman!). And that's they way it really happened although most people tell the myth of creation as the Mud Grubber versus the Old Gods.

After all this preamble and prologue, Greg Pak gets to the part of the story that ties in with what he's writing over in Batman Loves Superman.

Coyote! I mean, Kaiyo!

I know we all purchased this book to learn about Darkseid but Greg Pak has added some bonus material! Let's learn about why Kaiyo fled Apokolips and headed to Earth 2 to get the Earth heroes ready to kill Darkseid because Darkseid won't let Kaiyo laugh! Oh, well, I just spoiled it. That was all there was to learn. That there was no laughter on Apokolips. So Kaiyo left. And Darkseid followed. Which is why everybody on Earth 2 nearly died. And everyone on Earth Prime as well. And, I imagine, Darkseid made an assault (or will make one) on all of the other Earths too.

Oh, I got ahead of myself. Apparently Kaiyo bounced from Earth 34 to Earth 49 to Earth 26 until she finally settled on Earth 2 and then Earth Prime where he was finally defeated handily. Yes, he was defeated on Earth 2 as well although just barely.

And that's how Darkseid built up his collection of Supermans. But he's still trying to collect them all! He's not done yet.

Darkseid is building some kind of composite Superman on Apokolips made from pieces of Supermen from across many dimensions. Maybe it'll be a better Bizarro Superman than Lex Luthor's Bizarro Superman! Or maybe it'll just be Doomsday. Or Harvest!

Darkseid #1 Rating: This was a decent enough take on Darkseid's history as long as I continue to believe the first part of the story is just that metaphor I described. I'm also a bit surprised that I didn't hate the Kaiyo explanation for the Boom Tubes and Darkseid discovering The New 52 Universes. Although I am a bit weirded out by Darkseid's Superman collection. How many Earths had a Superman and now don't because of a Darkseid invasion? I hate the idea that possibly a dozen or more have all experienced the same basic war and defeat. Also that so many Earths had the same version of Superman. Where's Rabbit Superman? Or Superwoman? Or Reverse-Superman? The pile of dead Supermen all look the same!

Darkseid! (as seen in Justice League)

PERSONAL DATA
Alter Ego: None
Occupation: Dictator, Would-Be Ruler of the Universe [Oh come on! You can't just put anything you think you should be as your occupation! "Would-Be Master Fellator of Ryan Gosling" just wouldn't check out if my the person reading my resume decided to run some background checks.]
Marital Status: Twice Married [Once Widowered?]
Known Relatives: Heggra (mother, deceased), Steppenwolf (uncle, deceased), Suli (wife, deceased), Tigra (wife), Orion, Kalibak (sons)
Group Affiliation: None
Base of Operations: [Your mom.] The Planet Apokolips
First Appearance: JIMMY OLSEN #134 [Oh fuck me. Jimmy Olsen had his own comic book that ran for over ten years?!]
Height: 7'6" Weight: 515 lbs.
Eyes: [Omega-y.] Red Hair: None

HISTORY
The son of Queen Heggra of the planet Apokolips (see Apokolips), the young Darkseid played the role of a humble, retiring member of the royal court while quietly maneuvering to seize power. Darkseid's first major step was to persuade his uncle Steppenwolf (see Steppenwolf) to go to the nearby planet New Genesis (see New Genesis) to hunt down some of its citizens for sport. While there, Steppenwolf murdered Avia, the wife of Izaya, one of the planet's leaders. Darkseid pretended to kill Izaya, who then, as Darkseid had planned, launched "the Great Clash" between the two planets. During the war Darkseid ceded command of a raid to Steppenwolf, knowing that it would lead to the latter's death at Izaya's hands. Darkseid took over direction of the war and, after his ally Desaad (see Desaad) secretly murdered Queen Heggra, the throne of Apokolips as well.

In the final days of the war Izaya, now known as Highfather (see Highfather), and Darkseid negotiated a peace treaty. Darkseid wanted time to find a means of guaranteeing his ultimate victory. By the terms of "the Pact," Darkseid and Highfather exchanged guardianship of the boy Orion (see Orion), the product of his loveless marriage to Tigra, whom Heggra had chosen to be his wife. In return Highfather sent his son Scott Free, who later became Mister Miracle (see Mister Miracle), to Darkseid.

Years later Darkseid broke the truce by kidnapping people from Earth to Apokolips. He then invaded Earth, hoping to discover in the minds of one of its inhabitants the Anti-Life Equation, the psionic means by which he could control every sentient being in the universe. Hostilities between Apokolips and New Genesis again broke out, with Earth as the battlefield. Darkseid's son Orion became his most implacable adversary in these battles.

Recently, the war has apparently ended with the destruction of New Genesis, whose inhabitants have left for elsewhere in space, and a revolution by the "Hunger Dogs," the slave-like labor force of Apokolips. Apokolips lies in ruins, but Darkseid has survived.

Through unknown means, Darkseid has appeared in the 30th Century to battle the Legion of Super-Heroes (see LSH) [Perhaps because Darkseid is long-lived, if not immortal? Why would it be such a mystery?!]. However, it has been prophesied that Darkseid will someday meet his ultimate fate in battle with his son Orion amid the fire-pits of Armagetto on Apokolips.

POWERS & WEAPONS
The full extent of Darkseid's superhuman powers remains unknown, since he prefers to act through his subordinates. He is known, however, to be the most powerful being on Apokolips.

Darkseid's major known power is his mastery of the "Omega Effect," a form of energy projected from his eyes. Its full range of uses has not been revealed. However, the Omega Effect can be used as force bolts, as disintegration beams, or as means of teleporting a target through time and space. It can even restore targets that it has disintegrated, resurrecting them if they were alive. The Omega Effect beams will follow their intended target, no matter where it moves, until they contact it.

Darkseid possesses superhuman strength that is roughly equal to that of his son Orion.

Darkseid displayed other powers in the 30th Century, including the ability to generate force bolts from his hands as well as a force-field, to levitate and teleport himself, and to control the minds of an entire planet's population psionically. At least some of these abilities may be the result of his having temporarily stolen power from various 30th Century menaces [Or perhaps he's discovered the Anti-Life Equation in the thousand years he's been alive.].

Darkseid is a master strategist and, as ruler of Apokolips, has extraordinary weaponry, superpowerful agents, and vast armies at his disposal.