Batman and Robin Annual #3

Since the final issue didn't end in hugs, the series needed one final annual. Which will end in hugs, by God, or I'm going to curl up on the bathroom floor and weep! I will also do that if this ends in hugs!

In the final issue of Batman and Robin, Batman said that he was proud of the kid Damian had become. The problem is he said it to Alfred and not Damian. Come on, Batman! The kid is desperately searching for your approval! And even though Batman isn't known for giving out warm fuzzies, the kid kind of deserves some, don't you think? I suppose the best Batman is capable of is a some mildly tepid fuzzies.

Damian is hanging out in the backyard of Wayne Manor with Titus. He's keeping a close eye on the Justice League Satellite Brought To You By LexCorps through his spoiled rich kid telescope. Lucky little fucker has a computerized one that you can set to automatically move along with whatever you're looking at. My shitty telescope had the dials on the ends of flexible rods that you had to constantly keep adjusting if you wanted to keep Jupiter in sight for any length of time. And my stand was crap so even just turning the dials sometimes shifted things so you'd have to relocate the planet all over again. It was actually fucking cool and probably a more expensive telescope than my mom could really afford at the time. Still, I would love to have one of those fuckers Damian is using. Although, I think Bruce is a cheap bastard because can't he afford to build Damian a fucking observatory right in the backyard?

Damian decides voyeurism isn't as much fun as actually being a part of the thing observed, so he spends a few hours fixing up an old Justice League teleportation system and heads into space to visit dad.

Fucking Titus. How come Alfred Pennyworth the Cat and Batcow never get to go on away missions?

Batman and Robin wind up on the moon trying to solve The Mystery of the Uninvited Moon Guest. Batman gives Damian a brief history of moon landings which is totally ancient history because shit like this is never going to happen again. At least not by Americans. The moon landings happened in a time when people accepted the possibility of the loss of human life if the end results were spectacular enough to justify the risks involved. But now we live in a society so full of people ready to condemn, blame, and tear down that no results, no matter how grandiose, seem worth the risks. Now it seems like everybody is just waiting for the next person to fail so they can heap on abuse and feel gloriously self-righteous in not having been the person to fuck up. It's not all bad, of course. We need criticism and we need cynicism and we need to hold the powerful accountable. But some people think those tools should be used with equal fervor in every situation, from condemning Monsanto to calling out a person on Twitter who may once have made a comment that was easily, and purposefully, misunderstood just so the person calling the other person out could write a clickbait article and garner a brief moment of viral internet fame.

One of the major problems with how we connect as humans is that the few moments where we all seem to be focused on the same event and where we have a chance to bond through shared sentiment and empathy have all been disasters. Was the moon landing the last time Americans shared in an uplifting moment which sparked the imagination of a generation and seemed to erase any limits on what was possible? Maybe that time Richard Hatch won the first Survivor?

Anyway, Batman and Robin investigate the mysterious creatures living inside one of the Lunar Modules abandoned on the moon.

Gross. Their asses are on the tops of their heads. I bet the whole inside of the lunar module smells like brain farts.

The alien gibberish truly is just gibberish. That's to represent that even Batman can't make heads nor tails of what they're saying.

The aliens notice Batman and Robin clinging to the outside of their home so the hit the thrusters and the module flies off above the surface of the moon. Batman and Robin bail, hop in their lunar rover, and give chase!

Watch out for craters, Batman! And those huge rocks! Bounce!

Batman points out how the aliens look just like the astronauts did at the time of the moon landing. Except for the asses on the tops of their heads. That might be different. Damian's theory is that they're using the astronauts DNA to change into humans. Did the astronauts have jizz catchers for masturbation while on the moon?

The Dynamic Duo track the aliens to a distant crater where they find a gigantic alien spaceship. This is where Batman is supposed to get on his communicator and call in Planetary.

Instead of going in swinging his sword and trying to murder everybody the way the current Wonder Woman would, Batman tells Damian that they should investigate quietly to find out what's going on. It could all be just a bunch of harmless alien good times. And a proper detective detects before he wastes resources because resources cost money and most detectives never get paid because the dame is always double crossing them.

Batman manages to operate the alien technology that they've cobbled together since it's made from old Earth technology. He discovers that the aliens are indeed looking to make Earth their new home. That means Damian and Bruce get to bust alien bones. I'm unclear if Batman is okay with killing aliens. If they're sentient, he usually avoids death at all costs. But sometimes, depending on how many pages are left in the story or how neatly and quickly the plot has to be wrapped up, Batman doesn't give a shit about sentience.

During the fight scene, I realize that the aliens aren't speaking gibberish at all. They're just not using Old Portugese [sic] correctly! They're ignoring the actual sound the letters in the language are supposed to make and simply using their visual similarity to our alphabet. And the letters in the words are scrambled.

From left to right: "I have you now!" "Ha I got him!" "Ha I got him!" "Nonono, we can't let them escape!"

In the next panel as Batman kicks the shit out of them, they say things like "Aaaaa, my face! Ugh!" and "Oof!" and "No they are ruining our plan!" The earlier, much longer alien speech bubbles don't seem to have been as uniform as these. Or I'm just stumped trying to translate them. They seem to mention a shadow (when seeing Batman's shadow) and an intruder and one of them says, "Let me." I think the system was still experimental in the first scene where the alien speech was introduced!

The aliens begin to launch the space craft as Batman and Robin try to climb into the cockpit to stop it. Once they secure the cockpit, Batman shoves Damian through the door to the outside of the craft. If the mission is going to be a suicide mission, Batman wants all the glory himself. At least Damian gets to drive the Lunar Rover as he heads back to the shuttle. Which he'll get to fly all by himself when he goes to rescue his father. What a great day this has turned out to be!

Meanwhile, Alfred Pennyworth is stuffing his face full of mint chocolate chip ice cream.

"You are worms! Screw you and your family!"

Batman changes the coordinates on the ship so that it will crash into a volcano. He then ejects at crazy speeds inside the Earth's atmosphere and Damian catches him inside an open cargo bay door of the shuttle. But Batman is okay because some crates cushion his landing. Plus he opened his cape up which totally slowed down his momentum. Behind him, the ship crashes into a sea of lava and sinks. I guess that answers the question whether or not Batman kills aliens. Dick.

Batman thanks Damian for saving his life and Damian is all, "I can't wait to see the stupid look on Alfred's face when I tell him what we did while he stuffed his face full of ice cream!" And then Batman puts a hand on Damian's shoulder which, I suppose for Batman, is as close to a hug as he can manage. What was that I said earlier? Oh yeah! Dick.

Pearls? Jesus Christ, Batman. You sure know how to ruin a mood. "I see the universe as just one big murder scene, Boy!"

Batman and Robin Annual #3 Rating: Batman is a murderer of alien beings and he's shitty at monitor duty. Is he really supposed to leave his post to go on adventures with his son? I hope he gets fired.

Batman and Robin #37

Batman and Robin donate cans of Split Pea Soup to Gotham's Campaign to Feed the Hungry and Insane.

Last issue (pronounced 'iss-yew' because I've become a pretentious snob since embarking on my campaign to become the next Poet Laureate of Portland, Oregon), Darkseid had finally come to see what all the hullabaloo was on his planet. It was, of course, Batman trying to get his dead son's corpse back. Except Damian might not be as dead as you'd expect. But he isn't quite as alive as you'd expect either. It was more like he was a survivor in a plane crash and was currently dealing with Polar Bears, Smoke Monsters, and a severe heroin addiction.

Anyway (do I say 'anyway' too much? That and 'meanwhile' are probably my top words for this blog, right after 'fuck'), now Darkseid is about to get his ass kicked by Hellbatman and the Batkids (guest staring Cyborg and Titus). Or, more likely, Darkseid will just be taunted by Batman until he uses his Omega Effect to accidentally bring Damian back to life. Unless he does it on purpose! I bet if he does it on purpose, it will come with some kind of Stephen King curse in a Maine accent: "You reap what you sow, Batman. Ayuh. You reap what you sow."

This issue is called "Black Hole Son" because Damian is only ten years old, otherwise it might have been called "Man in the Box."

The only other person I can see standing up to Darkseid like this is Preboot Amanda Waller. Fuck. Now I want to see that. Can that happen in this convergence thing?! Darkseid versus Preboot Amanda Waller? Hey DC? Can I write that?! I'd also like to see Cheeks versus Brother Geek. Since Brother Geek appeared briefly in Green Team, that can be a possibility!

Batman punches Darkseid in the face and now I'm wondering when this takes place. Maybe Darkseid is behind the chaos in Batman Eternal! And Damian has just been off in dance class during every issue which is why we haven't seen him yet.

Darkseid returns the favor with some kind of one legged piledriver? It's hard to name wrestling moves that can't be done normally because most wrestlers aren't three times as big as their opponents (at least not since Andre the Giant died).

I think this is some kind of Superfly Smash or something?

I think to defeat Darkseid, Batman is going to have to get him in a Figure Four while Cyborg puts a Sleeper Hold on him and Batgirl gets him in a Camel Clutch. I think that's about all the wrestling moves I remember.

Batman throws a weak upper punch as Batgirl tries to fix Cyborg's BOOM Tube circuitry. Too bad it's located in his pelvis so she's completely distracted by his penis. And it's not helping that every time Cyborg sees her eyes glance toward it, a little more blood flows into it and it flinches and grows. I bet Batgirl grabs it in both hands and screams, "One chance left to jump start the BOOM Tube!" as she closes her eyes and...well, you know.

I think this was Andre the Giant's signature move!

The BOOM Tube opens as Batgirl wipes her mouth and Darkseid finally blasts Batman with his Omega Beams. Surprise! That's just what Batman wanted! He catches the Omega Beams in the Chaos Shard and powers up his suit with the limitless energy of Darkseid's eyeball's ejaculate.

That settles it. Nobody can beat Batman.

Everybody makes it through the BOOM Tube and Alfred begins serving sandwiches to celebrate. Except first Batman has to shed his Hellbat Suit and plunge the Chaos Crystal into Damian's heart as he bellows something about the Omega Sanction equaling life. Also, this somehow cures his Apokolyptian acne. Anyway, it works because comic books.

Why is Alfred in his 90s Comic Book Alfred Costume?

And then Batman collapses and Damian screams "Father!" and Batgirl says "OMG!" and Alfred thinks about asking for a raise and Red Robin says "Holy crap" and Red Hood says that too and Cyborg goes, "Whut?! Whut?! Can somebody tell me what's going on?!" because he's in pieces and strapped to Titus's back or something.

So that's it! Damian Wayne is back and everything can go back to normal, right? Right? What's that? There's still one more Robin Rises book left, you say?! I'm sure it's just thirty pages of Robin saying things like, "So where's Dick?" and "Don't lie to me about Dick" and "What kind of secret mission is Dick on?" and "When can I go visit Dick?"

Batman and Robin #37 Rating: +1 Ranking. Why is Highfather going through so much trouble over in Godhead to find a way to defeat Darkseid? Hasn't he heard about Batman?!

Batman and Robin #36

Are there people who actively sought out these horrible Lego covers? Fuck Lego!

Last issue, Damian was still dead. He probably doesn't get to come back to life until DC Comics can ask $7.99 for Robin Rises #2. This issue, Batman, Cyborg, Batgirl, Red Robin, Red Hood, and Titus had all made their way to Apokolips to die. Or save Damian. Whichever happens first. Which will obviously be the dying one. Because they're on Apokolips! Maybe they'll survive because this will take place at the same time that the Earth-2 Invasion Force invades! Then all the Apokoliptians will be too distracted to deal with a bunch of kids and their dumb dog.

Oh my god! I bet Glorious Godfrey gets his mask torn off and he's actually Old Man McGrew, the real estate mogul!

The issue begins with Batman knocking out Godfrey and running off to find Damian while ignoring the Apokoliptian skin infection he's contracted. Cyborg and the Bat-Kids (Saturday morning cartoon anyone?) spend a few pages in a confusing battle against multiple Apokoliptian threats. I barely understand how one panel leads to another but I do know one thing.

Batgirl looks sexy in her Robin threads and on all fours atop a pile of skulls and rib cages!

Batman might be unstoppable on Apokolips in his Hellbat outfit but the Hellbat outfit itself is draining his life force and killing him. That's because it's too ridiculously powerful and needs a drawback or else every time a comic book fan reads a Batman story where he's not in the Hellbat suit, they'd ask, "Why isn't Batman in the Hellbat suit?" I suppose if he used the Hellbat suit to stop normal gang members in Gotham City, he'd accidentally kill most of them. But then maybe he'd respect and understand Superman's position a bit more! Superman could accidentally kill every person he ever meets if it weren't for his unlimited patience and self-control.

Hee hee. That was a joke about Superman having unlimited patience and self-control! In reality, he just punches everything until it's out of commission. Of course, he should be written with unlimited patience and self-control since nothing on Earth can kill him. But he enjoys punching people in the jaw too much.

Batman destroys every thing Kalibak's army can throw at him. Which is why Kalibak sends in the Godzilla tanks!

After this day, Batman will be the Apokoliptian bogeyman invoked to scare children into finishing killing the other children.

Cyborg and the Bat-Kids follow the trail and/or swathe of destruction right to the foot of the Hellbat suit. Batgirl's ass continues to look fantastic in those Robin pants. I think I have a BOOM Tube opening up in my pants.

A lot of truly unbelievable comic book stuff has happened so far in this Robin Rises series but I think this takes the cake. Weapons of Apokolips have stun settings?!

Batman, Cyborg, and the Bat-Kids destroy the Chaos Cannon and defeat Kalibak. But everything up until this point was foreplay. You know, terrifically fun for what its worth but mostly because you know its building to a great big orgasm. And that orgasm has finally arrived! You know I mean Darkseid, right?

Batman and Robin #36 Rating: I don't have a lot to say about the story in this. It's a lot of action and it's moving the plot forward to the ultimate confrontation between Batman and Darkseid. Batman needs to confront Darkseid for some reason. Maybe Batman needs the power of Darkseid's Omega Beams to kickstart Robin's resurrection process? I don't know. Whatever. The thing this comic book has shown me is that DC Comics needs a book starring all of the Bat-Kids. Forget all these books with Batman in the title, or the Bat-Kids teaming up with other heroes and Roy Harper. I want a book with Red Hood, Red Robin, Batgirl, and Damian all working together! Dick can stop by for the occasional story and to show Jason Todd where Barbara's heart and secret heart really lie. By secret heart, I mean vagina. That's a book I want to read! Not Secret Vagina Heart! The Bat-Kids!

Okay. Maybe Secret Vagina Heart too.

Batman and Robin #34

I don't know which chapter of Robin Rises this is because I got the Selfie Variant! I hope it's Part Two!

Apparently Batman has sent out notes of apology to all of his Bat Kids because they've now gathered in the Batcave to help him get his dead son back. Although apologizing doesn't sound like a thing that scares cowardly lots, so maybe the Bat Kids have decided to come because they care about Damian and Alfred and Batcow and Alfred Pennyworth Cat. Red Hood might just want to earn some extra miles by taking a trip to Apokolips. Also that's a chance to shoot to kill! No way to pass up that offer! Batman had better not start shouting "Aim for the knees!" once they start facing off against parademons. Bruce is a bit of a control freak.

I hope Titus gets a cowl for the trip. He'd look so cute!

Being that those apology cards seem to have been lost in the mail, the Bat Kids are a little apprehensive when it comes to trusting Bruce.

Bruce is fucked. When they find out that Nightwing is still alive, I don't think they're going to accept "That secret was before the Pact of Truth!" excuse.

The stupid Bat Kids believe Batman is going to be open and honest with them from here on out, so they agree to help him. Dumb dumbs! Fool them once, ha ha! Fool them twice, they're a bunch of idiots because he's going to fool them again!

That counted as an apology? Cripes! I've been doing them wrong all along! Also, why is Bab's ass buzzing?

Batman shows him his Mother Box. None of them crack a joke, not even Jason Todd. Then he explains that it opens up a portal to a place called Apokolips where Batman says he "once paid a quick visit to." No, you once made three quick visits to it. Once to rescue Superman and twice because Cyborg's teleport power relies on Boom Tube technology and misfired a couple of times. Why do I remember that? Because I'm Jonni DC, dammit!

Bruce explains to them what he's been up to lately (leaving out the Nightwing stuff, of course! And his daily masturbation routine) before telling the Bat Kids that they're not going on the mission to Apokolips with him. He just wanted to let them know that he cares. And probably put tracers inside their sandwiches.

Once they leave, Dick Grayson shows up to eat some tracers too.

Great. Now Titus has a tracker in him too.

The four people Batman wants to distract do not include Superman because he's battling Brainiac or something. Maybe he's writing a blog post for Clarkcatropolis.com. While Aquaman (why did he need to distract him?!), Wonder Woman, Cyborg, and Shazam are chasing holographic tails, Batman sneaks on board the Justice League Satellite to steal his Hellbat suit. Luthor remains on the satellite because Bruce and Lex needed a chance to have a bit of a heart to heart. You know, one billionaire to another. No other member of the Justice League knows the pressures and stress of being incredibly wealthy.

How touching. Does this mean Luthor is currently doing whatever it takes to resurrect Bizarro?

Then Batman Boom Tubes to Apokolips to get into a fist fight with Kalibak. Probably.

Batman and Robin #34 Rating: No change. So the fallout from Death of the Family is officially over which is good because otherwise it was just sort of sitting their in the hallway like a forgotten umbrella to which nobody knows whom it belongs. Death of the Family seemed like it was really going to put a major strain on Batman and the Bat Kids but barely anything came of it. And now it's forgotten! Everybody is best friends again! At least until Dick Grayson shows up to the next Bat Family portrait alive and kicking. Hopefully Batman is practicing his surprise reaction. "Oh my god! Can you guys believe it? Look who isn't dead at all? Wow, I'm floored. Just utterly shocked! I'm embarrassed to think of myself as the World's Greatest Detective now. Wow. Just...wow. Oh my gosh. Babs! Babs, are you seeing what I'm seeing? I think I need to sit down for a second."

Batman and Ra's al Ghul #32

I missed the issue where Damian was encased in carbonite.

I used to pronounce the "Ra's" in Ra's al Ghul as rhyming with moss because I can't even pronounce English names. But then I heard Batman pronounce it as rhyming with mace in Young Justice and I slapped myself in the face and said, "Stupid! You embarrassment! You idiot! How did you not know?!"

I hate when people act like they're better than you when you mispronounce a name. It's a fucking name! If somebody has never heard it said out loud before, there's absolutely no fucking reason that person should know how to pronounce it. I still constantly mispronounce Andrea's name from The Walking Dead because I was pronouncing it differently for eight years while reading the fucking comic book before I ever heard them pronounce it on the stupid television show. And people are so quick to correct you! So fucking smug in their ability to pronounce a name correctly! La dee da! Now if only that were the way they tested a person's IQ! "Pronounce all of these names. If you get any wrong, we'll fucking laugh right in your face and throw you out, you stupid twat."

Let me take a second to compose myself and wipe the spittle from my computer monitor. Yes, that's right. I rant and rave out loud as I type!

Okay. So Batman and Frankenstein have journeyed to the place formerly known as Nanda Parbat where Ra's al Ghul has an emergency Lazarus Pit. They arrive a little bit later than they would have liked and find that Ra's currently has Talia's corpse dipped just past her private area. If he never dunks the rest of her, will her bottom half come alive? I bet even just half of her is a pretty good match for the Jeezly Crow Batman.

This Pit fires up the libido.

This Lazarus Pit is supposedly even better than the Well of Sins Lazarus Pit in the heart of 'Eth Sven'leven. Ra's hadn't been able to access it while Nanda Parbat had its fat magic ass sitting on top of it. Here is an insensitive joke about the size of a city: "When Nanda Parbat sits around the Lazarus Pit, it really sits around the Lazarus Pit!" Um. Anyway, since Nanda Parbat arsed off, Ra's has decided to take full advantage of the purest pit in the world.

Here's another insensitive fat person joke: "How many fat people does it take to change a light bulb? One!"

Here's an equal time insensitive skinny person joke: "How many skinny people does it take to change a light bulb? Don't worry about it. The fat person already took care of it."

The rules for this pit insist that the corpse must be immersed in the liquid for 24 hours which is why Talia and Damian are in the sarcophagi. Fill 'em up and let 'em stew. This pit also erases memory. That seems like a huge hassle. Ra's really is crazy if he wants to rule the world with two mindless people that don't know anything and have no relationship to the people they once were. That just sounds like a hassle.

So you can't call Frankenstein a monster without sounding insensitive and you can't call him Frankenstein without a bunch of pseudo-intellectuals jumping down your throat and pointing out that the monster's name wasn't Frankenstein. Those people are pedantic assholes!

Batman and his army of Yetis attack Ra's and his army of Man-bats to keep Damian's corpse from being immersed in the Pit. Mostly Bruce just doesn't want to have to deal with another Jason Todd.

Batman escapes with Damian's sarcophagus while Frankenstein holds off the Man-Bats. But first Batman knocks a huge stone pillar on a bunch of Man-bats. Is it okay to kill Man-Bats? Or is this one of those situations if one of them dies, it isn't really Batman's fault since they should have upped their invulnerability quotient when transforming.

Frank doesn't do a quality job holding back al Ghul's forces.

Before Batman can make a clean getaway, he's forced to have one more conversation with Ra's al Ghul.

How sweet! It's Batmamabearman!

And, of course, that last conversation turns into one last battle (after one last double page Superman advertisement). The battle goes on for a few pages until Batman is about to put out both of al Ghul's eyes. But there are a couple of reasons he can't go through with it. The first reason is that Batman spent a long time under the Comics Code Authority, so he's hesitant to provide any Injuries to the Eyes for the corruption of the younger readers. And the second reason is because a BOOM Tube blasts open out of which that fucking asshole piece of shit craphole bullshitter Glorious Godfrey steps. Ugh. What a bastard.

Also a bunch of parademons come out of the tube which really can't be very good for New Earth!

Batman and Ra's al Ghul #32 Rating: No change. Well well well. That was a fucking surprise twist ending! I wasn't expecting to see Glorious Godfrey any time soon. Although the introduction of Apokolips into the Robin story was ruined for me just because the final DC ALL ACCESS page in all of last week's comic books make sure they differentiated "ROBIN RISES: OMEGA #1" from all the other text whenever it was mentioned. And Omega has been touted as Darkseid's daughter trapped on Earth. So even when I try to avoid all spoilers, DC still manages to kick me in the teeth and shit down my throat. I think. That metaphor might not accurately describe how it feels to read spoilers from DC itself. Anyway, a decent enough issue, I suppose. Lots of fighting. Not enough Yetis. Just the right amount of Frankenstein.

Batman and Frankenstein #31

How come you assholes didn't support Frankenstein's book? Well, now that he's in a Batman book, you're probably buying it. Jerks.

Batman might not actually be searching for Robin's body right now. He's adventured with a water breathing fish king from Atlantis, an Amazonian of legend and daughter of the God Zeus, and now a fictional reanimated corpse. I think he's strapped to a bed and thrashing about raving like some of Gotham's most famous residents, being pumped full of anti-psychotics which obviously aren't working at all because his bloodstream is full of anti-Scarecrow drugs. So he's gone around the bend and imagining he's having adventures with a bunch of seriously unbelievable characters.

Batman sure is careless in his hallucinations. Unless maybe the dog is driving.

I wonder why Titus didn't make an appearance in Batman Loves Wonder Woman #30. Are dogs not allowed on Paradise Island? Maybe that's how the island got it's name! Because there are no fucking dogs on it!

That last pair of sentences make a subtle anti-male comment! I thought I'd mention it because I don't want to be one of those pretentious writers who couch all of their most important messages in subtext and allegory. All of my shit should read like Everyman. If some character is going to represent Death or Charity or Hatred of Men, that character will be named Death or Charity or Hatred of Men!

Batman and Titus almost run over two Chinese fishermen because they're traveling to Nanda Parbat. Little does Batman know, Nanda Parbat has Nanda Pargone. If you're a first time reader, that's about as clever as I get! If that wasn't good enough for you, you should probably go watch Two and a Half Men. Also, fuck you.

Oh! I probably should have made a Nanda Parbatman joke of some sort! Shoot! Missed opportunity!

It's like I have no idea what "editing" is!

Batman isn't as good at all the stuff I'm used to him being good at because a five hundred pound, eight foot tall living corpse sneaks up on him in the snow.

Down, Titus! Down! You're going to get sick if you eat that!

Frankenstein bullies an apology out of Batman but even when Batman is faced with dismemberment at the hands of a fictional character, he still takes a full panel beat before apologizing. What a cocky bastard! He was probably thinking through his options during the silent panel and finally figured that apologizing would be the best way for Frankenstein to live through this encounter.

As Batman and Frankenstein catch each other up on what they've been doing, all I can think about is who will be next month's guest star! It's such an exciting feeling, this not knowing! I bet it will be Batman and Ra's al Ghul. They'll probably have a rational discussion over what to do with Damian's body as Batman tries to escape from whatever death trap Ra's has death trapped him in.

Because Batman insists that he only wants Damian back so that he can rebury him, Frankenstein decides to help Batman find al Ghul.

Speaking of al Ghul, I need to pick up The Book of the Thousand Nights and a Night again and continue reading it. Why can't I finish anything longer than a twenty page comic book anymore? I think it's because I know my time is limited! Stupid mortality!

Batman agrees with me!

Frankenstein is interrupted because he and Batman are attacked by an Impossibility of Yetis. They're probably hungry because they haven't been fed since Nanda Parbat disappeared. They're also angry because they've just gotten their asses kicked by Ra's al Ghul and his Man-bats. Batman, being the smartest detective this side of Smallville, realizes the Yeti are just protecting themselves and that they could really use a Snickers bar. So he surrenders to them and makes friends. Now he has an army of Yetis to battle Ra's's army of Man-bats!

Batman doesn't realize that "grahh" is the most insulting word in the Yeti's language for "human."

Batman, Frankenstein, and the Yetis travel down into the mountain where another of Ra's al Ghul's secret Lazarus Pits is located. But when they open the door to stop al Ghul, Batman says, "No...I'm too late." And then the comic book ends. So maybe next issue will actually be Batman and Robin again!

Batman and Frankenstein #31 Rating: No change. Frankenstein didn't really get to do much this month. But at least he and Batman did clear up that business with Batman chopping Frank into pieces. It's good to see these kids getting along once more. The book also could have used more Titus.

Batman Incorporated #9

When is it going to be Batman's turn to be happy?

Last issue, Damian Wayne was killed by Talia al Ghu's Batthing. Since that issue, a bunch of other issues came out with most of the Bat Family in half-assed mourning. Batman and Robin #18 was the only other Batman title that I think needed to deal with Batman's grief. Batman #18 sort of dealt with it but in a way that highlighted that lovable street urchin Harper Row and her way gay little brother. The other Batman titles really should have just ignored the whole thing. I suppose I get to see Batman mourn all over again one more time here in the comic book that actually killed the little prick.

Okay. Second panel and I'm done!

How does Bruce actually cope with this? Damian was only ten or eleven years old! He was his son! Peter Tomasi wrote these two so well in the pages of Batman and Robin that The New 52, for the first time in my 25+ years of reading comic books, finally gave me a Robin that I liked. Hell, I loved the little prick! Their relationship was so fun to read at the hands of Tomasi. This might be the first time I've truly been sad about the death of a comic book character. If I'd been reading comic books at the time, I would have been very sad about Ted Kord's death as well. But I missed out on that one, so I don't count it. I thought I would be sad when Cerebus finally died but Sim was right about that one: that fucker died unloved and unmourned. Mostly due to Sim exasperating most of his readers with Cerebus's explication of Genesis.

So now I get to watch Batman bury his son. Yay! What a great morning!

Or maybe (hopefully!) the entire funeral will be taken up by Batman's flashback where he puts the Batthing in a coffin too. I'm pretty sure Batman is allowed to kill animals and since the Batthing came out of a whale's vagina, I think that makes him a whale. And while Aquaman might be a little bit pissed if Batman kills him, killing a whale doesn't go against any of Batman's ethical codes. But while Batman takes out his anger and grief on Batthing, Nightwing comes to and realizes he fucked up like a big fucking fucked up fuck up fucking up.

How do you feel about encouraging him now? I can't wait to see how how badly Alfred takes it since Alfred let him out of the house! I think Tim Drake had it right! Who's protecting these kids? You fucking enablers!

Nightwing immediately joins the fight against Batthing while Talia's thugs with the guns and arrows just stand by. They may have simply had orders to kill Damian because they could easily be doing the same thing to Nightwing and Batman that they just did to Robin. The Batthing fight's outcome is interrupted by Bruce saying some words at Damian's funeral. He says some things and then says Damian's death will be avenged. I think that means Damian's mother is going to have to die.

Meanwhile in London, Knight is given a hero's funeral. And then Squire takes on the mantle of Knight. That makes sense. You can't run around fighting criminals by yourself when your name is Squire. You'd be a laughingstock.

And while Batman and Alfred and Tim and Dick bury Damian without a thought as to how super heroes are constantly coming back to life, the Prime Minister of Britain, like a good comic book character, is keeping all options open in regards to Knight! Good for him!

"And don't forget, Prime Minister, the five hundred and sixty-two other ways to resurrect a person in our reality!"

And then things get really awful. Just. I mean. Come on, Bruce! Don't be a dick!

Not the vacation!

Stop blaming everybody else, Bruce. Hell, you can't even blame yourself for this one. Everybody did everything in their power to reign this kid in. Even Alfred couldn't have stopped him if he had actually tried. Damian's death is on two people: Damian and Talia. According to Ra's al Ghul, the kid may have been destined to house Ra's personality. But Talia only ever had one destiny in mind for this kid. He was simply a tool to be used to hurt Batman as much as he could be hurt.

Back to the fight with Batthing, Nightwing and Batman are both nearly beat when Red Robin uses the tank in the lobby of Wayne Enterprises to put a shell right up Batthing's ass. Batthing may be tough but he slinks off to heal after that one. Nightwing grabs up Robin's body and they retreat back to the Batcave.

With Gotham erupting into chaos and in the grip of Leviathan, the Mayor of Gotham (who, I think, is a total dick anyway), basically accepts surrender under some pretty shitty terms. Well, shitty for Batman and his friends.

People can barely stay alive with Batman allowed in the city! The residents of Gotham might as well just go lie down in their graves now.

Jason Todd has been captured by a bunch of women from the movie, The Horrors of Spider Island. And the rest of Batman, Incorporated is searching for him and for any clues as to what the Ouroboros Bomb is or how to stop it. And Batman finally breaks down after realizing what a true genius his son was when he examines Damian's greatest gift to the world.

Batcow would outsell most of The New 52 titles. Unless Scott Lobdell ended up writing it. Then it would be scenes of Batcow standing around chewing his cud while he Narration Boxes, "Moo. Moo. Moo. Moo. Moo."

Batman Incorporated #9 Rating: +1 Ranking. Anybody who doesn't like Batcow doesn't like freedom. Why isn't DC marketing the shit out of Batcow? I need a Batcow shirt right now! I wonder if Grant Morrison has retained all rights to Batcow. He's going to be sorry if he gave that one to DC for free!