Teen Titans Spotlight #13: Cyborg

What are the two faces of evil? Cyborg's two halves? The two different houses Cyborg is climbing into at the same time? The gun and not the gun? The two cats in the painting? Probably Two-face?

And so we finally get to the Cyborg issue! Weirdly, it's not my final issue of the series! Does that mean I wasn't bored with it at the time? Or does it mean maybe I just didn't get around to reading it until I purchased the next issue, after which I spat out my Crystal Pepsi and was all, "How can a comic book about a Cyborg be so boring?! Oh, that's why! It was written by J. Michael Stracynski, some jerk who wrote He-man and She-ra scripts. I bet he never gets another writing gig after this garbage!" It's also possible some cool kid from school saw me leaving the comic book store with some Teen Titans books and scoffed, "Do you play D&D too?" And not realizing I was being mocked, I answered, "I sure do! What's your favorite character class?" And he probably said, "I like multi-classing druid/bards!" And I was all, "Right on! Do you want to play in our group at lunch tomorrow in the cafeteria?" And he was all, "That sounds great!" And that's how I made one of my best friends ever! And, um, somehow that made me stop reading Teen Titans Spotlight On.

I never said I was a story teller! I'm a comic book reviewer! Unless I'm an memoirist with essayist tendencies? Maybe I don't fit any mold at all! I'm like a multi-classed druid/bard half-elf!

This issue begins with me yawning. After that, I begin reading it. I bet I yawn at least 22 more times!

The title of this issue is "To Face to Face to Face to Face to Face to Face to Face to Face to Face to (Dammit! I don't know the correct punctuation to get me out of this loop! Where's the infinity key?! Is this it?)...". It's like the first story in John Barth's Lost in the Funhouse. The one where you're supposed to cut it out and make it into a Möbius strip so that it reads "Once upon a time there was a story that began once upon a time there was a story that began once upon a time (oh shit! Here we go again! Infinity dots, don't fail me now!)...".

Would it be fair to review this comic book based solely on the title since I can't ever stop reading it? How did I even start reading it if it goes on forever? Why is it we can start an infinite path but we can't get to the end of an infinite path? Even if you turn around right when you start it, it's infinite so now where you started just streams infinitely behind you! One time my friend Soy Rakelson, in an effort to prove to me that the universe could not have existed forever by utilizing one of his logic traps he learned from C.S. Lewis, said, "Name one thing that's infinite!" And, falling for the trap, I said, "Um, a circle?" And he was all, "Draw a circle!" And I was all, "Okay!", because I didn't realize he was just trying to trick and humiliate me rather than have an actual discussion about philosophy and religion and life. So I drew the circle and he was all, "Aha! It looks infinite once created but see that spot there! That's where you had to start it! It began with you, the creator! Therefore, the matter making up the universe couldn't have existed forever and it had to be created by God!" And instead of punching him in the face, I punched him in the soul and said, "Oh. But it's okay that God is infinite?" And he was all, "Fuck yeah! I can't wait to have sex outside of marriage without a condom because the Pope says birth control is a sin!"

Soy Rakelson once called himself "The Defender of Western Civilization" on my Facebook page and boy do I bet he regrets taking up that mantle now! I wonder if he's a Proud Boy? Also maybe I'm naive that I think he'd regret something so fucking stupid.

Cyborg is in Gotham to accept an award for "combating the terrible fire at Children's Hospital." Where the fuck was Batman? I bet Batman stopped putting out fires at the Children's Hospital because they never gave him token of their appreciation. Or maybe it's the Black Children's Hospital so only black heroes care about it. Batman probably heard about the fires and was all, "Black Lightning will take care of it! I need to smash some skylights! Profits are down at Wayne Skylight Installs and Repairs!"

Oh! I just understood this! I figured the chrome was Cyborg's face and the green was Two-Face's face. I thought maybe the pink was the other half of Two-Face's face but I couldn't figure out the other one until I finally started discussing black super heroes! I blame the lighting in my office and/or the colorist because the Victor "face" just seemed gold to me.

Two-Face sees Cyborg on television recognizes himself on a completely superficial level. But the superficiality is the point! He sees that Cyborg is accepted as a hero while he's seen as a monster. Maybe if Harvey Dent had become half sleek and shiny instead of half gross and disgusting, people would have accepted him and he could have gone on being a district attorney. But then it's also not the point because Two-Face understands that the people see Cyborg's deeds before they see his deformities (I probably would never refer to Cyborg's robotic parts as deformities but when you see some nice alliteration flashing its genitals in your face, you just got to put that shit in your mouth and go with it). And that's sort of the problem. Two-Face saw himself as a monster and thus began acting like one. Cyborg may think of himself as a monster from time to time but he doesn't let it stop him from making the world a better place. Harvey just uses his deformity as an excuse to not give a fuck anymore.

"We need an ad that declares 'Little kids who build our models fuck!"

I know I've suggested a ton of ways I'd use a time machine if I had access to one but I think I just came up with the thing I'd do first. I'd go back in time and tell the MPC model car company to get a different advertiser because I think their current one is a total pedo.

Victor goes on a date with some woman named Cynthia Adams. I'd probably remember who she was if I didn't constantly fall asleep reading Cyborg comic books. I'm fairly certain I've used that line before but it's also possible I've just dreamed it every time I've fallen asleep reading a Cyborg comic. After the date, Victor doesn't score but mostly because Cynthia was being modest and chaste and instead of saying, "Show me that cyber-weenie, you sexy hunk of metal!", she just lets him go while secretly hoping he comes back to ravish her.

If she wasn't so thirsty, she never would have buzzed Two-Face right up!

Two-Face kidnaps Cynthia and uses the threat of her death to make Cyborg do what Harvey wants. Two-Face is all, "They'll see! There's no difference between us! None at all! Except maybe the kidnapping. And the obsessive coin flipping. And all the crimes. The only people hate me is because I'm not hot! But I'm a nice guy to! They'll see! They'll all see!"

Cyborg's first task is to sneak into a woman's room and get his next task on a note under her alarm clock. But when the alarm goes off and she catches him, she calls him a monster! After escaping, Victor Stone doesn't think, "Fucking Two-Face. He made me scare the shit out of that woman by breaking into her house and startling her awake! Of course she was scared and called me a monster! Fuck, at least she didn't call me the n-word!" Instead, Victor thinks, "My name is Victor Stone. I am not a monster." Damn. Two-Face's plan is really going to work, isn't it?!

I'm perplexed as to why Cyborg begins jerking off in this panel.

While arguing with himself, Harvey admits that they first began calling themselves a monster. So the entire experiment is flawed! Two-Face wants to be able to blame his monstrous tendencies on the people who called him a monster because of the way he looked. So he's going to get Victor called a monster multiple times in one night and Victor will obviously snap! Who wouldn't?! I remember when I was called fat in junior high all those times while being fat that I became fat. No wait. Maybe that was somebody else. Nobody made fun of me because I was so fucking disconnected from what was going on around me that I never noticed. There were way better targets in junior high than me! I just went around telling everybody about how awesome Elfquest was. And they were all, "Really, fatty? Can I read your copy?" And I was all, "Sure! See you at the D&D game at lunch!"

I know I'm supposed to be reading this as if it took place in 1987 where you were supposed to think it was the robot half that everybody was afraid of and judging as a criminal. But this is 2019 and, well.

Imagine how short this issue would have been if Cyborg was connected to the Internet or had an internal cell phone. He must have had some internal gadget that could page Nightwing or the Gotham Police that he simply forgot about in the moment. Oh no, of course not. What am I thinking?! This is the era where Cyborg's only attachment was the white noise cannon!

Cyborg finally confronts Two-Face on page 23 because this story is 25 pages long! Wow, I thought I was yawning a lot more than usual, even for a Cyborg story. Anyway, Two-Face declares he killed Cynthia thirty minutes ago because he totally read Watchmen and was all, "Oh fuck. That's a cool line. I am so using it some day!" But even that doesn't convince Cyborg to kill Two-Face. And while it means Two-Face gets to live, it also means Two-Face has to live with himself and the knowledge that maybe he was the real monster all along. Surprise! It wasn't society at all! Even though we all know it actually is society. People are fucking terrible.

Surprise again! Cynthia was in a Two-Face mask and Two-Face was trying to get Cyborg to kill her! What a dumby! Hasn't he learned anything from Batman? If a hero doesn't kill, the hero doesn't kill! Sure, if this was Red Hood, Cynthia would be a fucking bullet sponge right now. But that's because he's expected to kill! How often does a hero who doesn't kill suddenly start killing? If you discount Hal Jordan. And Green Arrow. And Black Lightning. And Wonder Woman. And Black Canary. And Guy Gardner. And Fire. And Starman. And Obsidian. And Dr. Fate. And Black Canary. And, you know what, maybe this is too many ands for my initial premise to remain valid. Never mind.

The issue ends with Two-Face realizing the problem wasn't "Cyborg could have been Two-Face" but that "Two-Face could have been Cyborg." Live with it, asshole.

Teen Titans Spotlight #13: Cyborg Rating: B. I often tout Cyborg as boring because writers always simply do the same things with him. And while this is still another "Am I human?!" story arcs, at least it had a nice twist in that Cyborg plays off of a villain that you wouldn't have expected. Usually the writer brings in another character that's part robotic so that Cyborg can see his own humanity through the flaws of his foe. But has a writer ever thought, "Hey! Cyborg and Two-Face look fairly similar. I bet there's a story there?" Well, at least one did! And I'm happy to say they made a fairly decent go of it. Although wouldn't it have been nice if this story had been the last word on Cyborg's anxiety about how human he is?! Man, what if this was all the therapy he needed and for the next thirty years, DC audiences had been given a healthy Cyborg who would always be, "Oh yeah, I'm part robot! But I'm still all human! Want to fuck, baby?!" I miss that Cyborg that never existed.

Cyborg #4

Interesting how Batman never gets torn to pieces the way characters like Cyborg, Robotman, and Red Tornado constantly do.

If you're supporting the American political party who thinks the problem in Washington, DC, is too much ethical oversight from independent sources, you might want to reconsider the things you've been lead to believe. I challenge any Republican to drop all of their usual news sources and simply get by for a week or two reading headlines from the Washington Post. Just the headlines! Then interpret that shit on your own, with your own values and beliefs, without any right-wing talking heads telling you how that shit doesn't actually mean the thing you just read. Previously, you'd have never read that headline anyway which made it even easier for the Fox News barfmonsters to convince you of their reality. People on the left are always being accused of being manipulated by the lamestream media but I guarantee a good percentage of liberal people don't even fucking care about the news. And yet every right wing anger bat who flutters into the face of anybody who espouses a liberal view to begin shrieking, "But what about Hillary! What about Hillary! What about Hillary!", slavishly sucks at the teat of Fox News and the snorefestival of right-wing radio hosts so much so that they all parrot the exact same responses.

At the very least, letting go of right-wing media outlets will ensure you'll be more entertained. Talk about unfunny! Even if I believed the things Rush or that square-headed guy on Fox said, I couldn't listen to them because they have a terrible sense of humor. Oh, Hannity! That's the square-headed guy! It's not surprising that they're not funny though because you need to be smart to be funny. And one thing right-wing talking heads are not is smart. Confident and smug and don't actually give a fuck about anything but their own bank account? Sure! But funny? Fucking hell no. There's this one shrieking harpy that's on early in the mornings after Clyde Lewis's Ground Zero on some right-wing radio station who thinks the height of hilarity is putting on a dumb person voice when she says things she pretends liberals say. At least the station managers understand that nobody wants to hear that shit so they stick her on past midnight.

The segue here is that American Democracy is becoming a nightmare, and in this comic book, Cyborg is currently having one.

Cyborg is battling the Justice League. He realizes it's a dream because they're battling on Mars and Batman isn't choking to death. Also, Wonder Woman's boobs are huge. Like, too huge. So big!

But fighting the Justice League isn't a good enough analogy for what's happening. He needs to come up with something more on the nose.

"I knew I was a complicated guy." What kind of a fucking fool actually says that about himself? Don't search my blog for that statement. I'm sure I've never said anything like it before ever.

Cyborg realizes the Justice League he's been fighting are actually malicious bits of software called Wyrmms. Gross. Cyborg has Wyrmms. Too bad for the Wyrmms, they can't just fuck up his programming. They have to actually fight a representation of Cyborg inside of Cyborg. Is that what Cyborg's firewall looks like? It's just a bunch of tiny Cyborgs?

In STAR Labs, an unconscious Cyborg is tearing the place apart. The only way to help Cyborg is to shut him down so they can remove the Wyrmms while he's inert.

Come on, Semper. You can't just be lobbing them over the plate like this. I'll never feel any satisfaction making a joke out of this!

Cyborg's journey through his mind allows him to recover a bunch of memories which make him feel human again. Apparently he's had his emotions locked away which is why he's felt more like a machine than a human. But he still doesn't find his penis. That's probably why he couldn't bring himself to remember that he and Sarah Charles were once madly in love. He blocked out her face in the memories because until he has a proper human penis instead of an attachment that substitutes for a White Noise Blaster, he isn't the man he knows she needs. What a tragic love affair! At least it's one I won't have to read the end of because I'm done with this comic book. I'm done with all Cyborg comic books forever and ever because not one has ever been interesting. He's a boring character who people have tried to make compelling but they're always doing overdone plots about robots versus humanity, and identity versus programming, and Daddy Issues versus football.

The Ranking!
No change! If I were to write a Cyborg comic book, I'd have him quit the Justice League because he's too often treated like a peripheral to the Justice League Watchtower computer. I'd have him move to Hollywood and go into porn. Then maybe his adventures would be a bit like Blue Devil but less goofy and more super duper sexy. Maybe his first plot would be dealing with both a human virus and a computer virus that work together to wreak havoc on his cybernetic body. I'd call the story "Robo-VD."

Justice League #8

Fucking scofflaw.

Who at DC Comics was reading Bryan Hitch's Justice League of America and thought, "Fucking hell! This is our guy for the biweekly Justice League Rebirth series! Speaking of Hitch's Justice League, is he ever going to finish the Justice League of America story? Somebody call Bedard and get him to work on fixing that crap." To be fair, I don't think this comic book has been late yet. To be less than fair, I haven't been keeping track and don't actually know if that's the case. I should probably do some research to back up my opinions seeing as how this is still, technically, a Pre-Trump society. I can't wait until January 20th when I never again have to back up my ignorant assumptions and speculative conclusions with actual facts! Apparently all I need to do is photoshop some crazy memes to defend everything I say.

The issue begins with Cyborg upset that they couldn't save everybody from the alien invasion which happened in the first story arc. He shouldn't blame himself though. He should blame shitty writers who need to make every threat an End of the World scenario. In those cases, the Justice League can only react, save as many people as possible, and end eventually end the threat after massive destruction. That massive destruction is important for the writer to show that the threat was serious! But imagine if the writer could show that the threat was serious before it got to Earth and then had the Justice League struggling to stop the threat before it destroyed any city on Earth. That would show how heroic the team really was without having to stick in bullshit moments like this where Cyborg thinks about how the Justice League are actually just huge failures.

Cyborg should also be putting the families of every victim on a Super-Villain Watchlist because you know at least a few of them are going to blame the Justice League for not saving every single life and they'll dedicate themselves to the destruction of the League. Maybe he's not doing that because Batman already whipped up the spreadsheet and purchased the bugs and cameras for the vicims' houses.

This issue is called "Outbreak" so it looks like the beginning of the next story will be Cyborg thinking about how the Justice League couldn't save everybody. Again.

Oh, excuse me. On the second page, the news notes that Diane Palmer was the only fatality of the Kindred's attack. Well, holy fuck. What the fucking bullshit hell are you whinging on about then, Cyborg?! Because by any stretch of the imagination, if only one person died during the destruction shown in the Kindred story, you should be fucking high-fiving Batman! I mean, attempting to high-five Batman as he stares you down with his Bat-Death-Stare. Like me, he only high-fives children under six years of age. Everybody else, we just leave hanging, bitches.

So only one person died. Remember the surname "Palmer" for future reference. Because somebody named Palmer is going to blame the Justice League for his or her wife's/mother's/daughter's/sister's death and they're going to be coming for the Justice League!

You know what? I'm not even going to attribute Diane Palmer's death to the Kindred's attack! If the Justice League were able to save everybody else around the world from the strongest earthquakes ever felt all happening at the same time when even earthquakes that would barely stop a Californian from complaining about their name being misspelled on a Starbuck's coffee cup kill thousands of people in other places around the world, how is it that Diane Palmer managed to die? It's such an anomaly that I can't believe the Justice League wouldn't have been able to save her too. I think she probably broke her neck falling down after jumping for joy due to surviving the attack. The Justice League can't be expected to save every klutz in the world from accidentally killing themselves!

This is terrible math. Superman giving up his life to save one person? That's an incalculable net loss to the good in the world. Regular people should heroically refuse to let a superhero die for them and take the bullet instead! What was Diane Palmer ever going to do for the world? Pay for the McDonald's meal of the person in the car behind her in the drive-thru and brag about it on Facebook? Shit, now I'm glad she's dead!

Cyborg is busy spying on the entire world in the Watchtower when he has a really profound thought. He's all, "I can hear something, like a background noise in the live feed." Then, dramatically, he stops. He cocks his head a bit to the side while looking a bit confused. Then his eyes grow wide and he says, "No! Not a background noise...it's more like a foreground image!" Whoa! Mind fucking blown, man! It's not a noise at all! And it's not even in the background! IT WAS AN IMAGE IN THE FOREGROUND ALL ALONG! Fucking Hitchcock is probably masturbating in Hell over this right now and muttering, "That could have been the premise to the sequel to The Birds! I'm such a fucking idiot! Du dun duh duh duh duh duh dun dun dun."

Cyborg has noticed a code hidden in the photons. Do you want me to repeat that? It won't stop you from wanting to punch yourself in the brain but you might not believe what I just wrote: Cyborg has found a code hidden in photons. I can't even parse what that means! Cyborg can see photons? Does it mean Cyborg doesn't see images at all because his visual data is simply billions of photons slamming into his eyeball? It's like looking up at a hail storm except brighter and more dumb.

I bet I know what the code says! It probably says, "Happy, Happy Halloween! Halloween! Halloween! Happy, Happy Halloween! Silver Shamrock!"

In the Batcave, Alfred offers to make Bruce a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Please. Alfred has never made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich in his life. He's a fucking butler for the rich and wealthy! But before he can sully his hands with that working class monstrosity of a sandwich, he notices the Batcomputer has been hacked! Batman is all, "But nothing should be able to get through these firewalls! Alfred? Alfred! Did you see where I was pointing when I said that? At my balls!"

Cyborg winds up hacked just by looking at the code. So it's kind of like propaganda!

Batman just finished installing software that made his vehicles autonomous, so that's convenient. Now that they've been hacked, they begin trying to kill Bruce and Alfred. Maybe this will get Bruce to reconsider how he refuses to use a gun but still arms his vehicles with the most deadly weapons he can browbeat Lucius Fox into designing. How about equipping the batmobiles with batarangs, asshole? I guess if the rockets and bullets are shot from a vehicle, Bruce can pretend that they're just used for shooting other vehicles. It still seems like a stupidly dangerous idea for a guy who refuses to kill anybody.

Bruce's vehicles begin destroying themselves. That's what happens when you program them to destroy Superman the next time he comes around unannounced!

Cyborg is funny walking around the Watchtower trying to figure out how to stop it from reentering the Earth's atmosphere since after he was hacked, he looked at the Watchtower and it was hacked by the photons too. So now it's going to crash to the Earth and kill more people than Diane Palmer. Good job, Justice League!

The Justice League really needs to find a way to stop having their powers and technology used against them and the world. They might be the biggest threat of all. It just takes one hacker or mind controller or jerko Greek God to transform the Justice League from saviors to killers.

The malicious code forces Cyborg to throw himself out of the airlock. But once he's in space, the code is gone! He's back online! Now all he has to do is grab the Watchtower and pull it back into orbit using his, um, uh...white noise blaster? Maybe?

Oh, it's only going to hit San Francisco? They'll probably appreciate the influx of technology! Some angel will probably pass by and throw a wad of cash at the burning wreckage and say, "I'm in!"

Back in the Batcave, even the dinosaur trophy comes to life and attacks. That's some crazy powerful code! I guess everybody is going to have to stop looking at everything. Where's Daredevil when you need him?!

Meanwhile in Denver, Diane Palmer's kids are wondering what their dad is up to in the garage. Probably jerking off to violent porn. I can't imagine what else he might be doing, right?!

Cyborg saves San Francisco by opening up a BOOM Tube and sending the Watchtower back into orbit, along with a shit-ton of momentum! It's probably just going to speed right out into space now! Except, you know, Bryan Hitch doesn't know anything about science and stuff. He thinks you can put code on photons and somebody could see that code!

Cyborg manages to survive falling out of orbit by using the Transamerica pyramid to break his fall before smashing into a car on the street. As he lands, the hacker opens up a few more BOOM Tubes and Wonder Woman, The Flash, Aquaman, and Green Lantern Simon Baz fall out. Luckily none of them were shitting when they were taken.

Don't worry, Alfred. It's only because you're being written by Bryan Hitch. You're saying plenty of witty and passive aggressive things about Bruce over in Tom King's Batman.

Alfred and Batman manage to stop the final vehicle and isolate the malicious code. Good thing Batman wasn't BOOM Tubed to San Francisco so he can do the intelligent work of tracing the hack back to Diane Palmer's garage. I mean, back to whoever is responsible for it. It can't be just some guy whose wife died, right? Unless he's in the garage sucking the cock of some technology demon, there's no way he wrote code onto photons which could hack Cyborg's operating system and also Green Lantern's ring. Oh yeah, the story ends with the code jumping to Simon Baz's ring and it flips the fuck out on everybody.

The Ranking!
+0! This series isn't exactly terribly written. It's just sort of stupid in the way it goes about presenting the conflicts. I always hate saying that my comic books need to be somewhat believable because comic books are made up of 95% post-unbelievable waste product. That statement makes as much sense as everything in a Bryan Hitch comic book. Unless it makes more sense even though it doesn't make much sense!

Cyborg #3

I am so uninterested in this comic book that I just read my summary of last month's story and wasn't really paying attention.

To be or not to be! That is the question that every highschooler reads and thinks, "What the fuck are you talking about, dude?" At least until the teacher spends forty minutes trying to get somebody in class to understand it before telling them, "It's about suicide, you nitwits! SUICIDE!" And then they're all, "Oh yeah? Fuckin' emo, dude!"

Man, I hope that Hamlet soliloquy is actually about suicide! Or was actually said by Hamlet! I don't think it was Macbeth because he was the one who had to battle the Ents and I don't think it was Othello because his speech began, "To love well or to love too well!"

This issue begins in the middle of a Justice League operation!

I realize Batman is trying to be motivational but this seems a bit harsh. How would he like it if every time he was struggling, Superman would yell, "Do it for your long dead, murdered parents!"

This is just a nightmare so it's really Cyborg saying this to Cyborg. That makes more sense. Cyborg has always been his harshest critic. Mostly because writers think it's the most fucking amazing shit to tell stories about examining what it means to be human using robots and cyborgs. And people seem to love it so much that every time I hear anybody say anything about Westworld, they quote each other with that whole "examining what it means to be human" line. We get it! You're so smart! You can parrot the smart things to say about a show you like! Bravo!

Oh, um, also, regular people that aren't robots are always their own harshest critics. So none of the Justice League is going to be this critical of Cyborg in real life! Hell, none of them would ever think Cyborg was the reason the Justice League failed. He's like the seventh reason to blame their failure on after Batman, Superman, Wonder Woman, Flash, Green Lantern, and Green Lantern!

No, I didn't forget Aquaman.

This is the exact opposite of what most women say to me! Stupid simple machines outdoing me in the bedroom!

Wonder Woman concludes that Cyborg not being human is the real flaw in the Justice League. You can tell it's a dream because she's not saying this for Aquaman's benefit while actually darting her eyes towards Aquaman and nodding in his direction and trying every other bit of body language in existence to say that Aquaman is the biggest flaw.

Cyborg wakes up from his nightmare and has an idiotic conversation with Sarah Charles.

Cyborg: "I just had a nightmare!"
Sarah Charles: "Not possible. I totally killed you for a bit there so I could update your memory banks. I mean, I didn't kill you. I, um, put you on sleep mode! Get it? Because you're not human!"
Cyborg: "No, seriously! I had a nightmare!"
Sarah Charles: "No you didn't. Your brain was shut down."
Cyborg: "Are you a scientist? You're a scientist, right? Well, here's some evidence for you to work with: I just had a fucking nightmare!"
Sarah Charles: "Not possible. Maybe you just imagined you had a nightmare because you're stressed out?"
Cyborg: "I hate you."

Cyborg doesn't know how much he hates Sarah Charles until the next part of their conversation.

What the fuck does that mean, "fully normal"?! You think he's a freak!

I don't know why Cyborg made boxer shorts when he transformed. It's not like Sarah Charles, a doctor and scientist, hasn't seen a fifteen inch flaccid penis before. That's probably how big he'd make it, right? He'd be overcompensating for not really feeling human!

Vic and Sarah go out to a jazz club later where Vic runs into an old ex-girlfriend of his. She's a jazz singer which is why he probably doesn't remember her. The two halves of that sentence might not seem to make sense to you but have you ever dated a jazz singer? Oh wait. You probably wouldn't remember!

Her name is Britton Claire and she introduces herself as Vic's ex. Then Sarah calls her a slut and stomps out like a child. Sarah Charles is the worst! Also she might not have actually called Britton a slut. But she wanted to! You could see it in her eyes! Will Conrad draws a great pair of 'What a Slut' eyes! Remember when he was doing art for Stormwatch? Apollo looked at Midnighter that way constantly!

Britton explains that Vic broke off their relationship because he was in love with another woman. I've never broken up with someone because of that! Once I broke up with somebody because they were intruding on my time to play Apple IIe games! I was all, "I like putting my ding dong into your hoo-ha but I really need some time to become the paragon of virtue!"

Vic goes back to the lab to find out why his memory is so screwed up. The only person working is T.O. Morrow who quickly hides all of his illicit robot experiments to help Vic regain the memories that Vic's dad and Sarah Charles turned off after the Boom Tube accident.

Instead of restoring Vic's memories, Doctor Morrow explains that he's going to have to shut Vic down because Vic isn't really a person; he's just an out of control machine. And since Doctor Morrow was too stupid to just turn Vic off while Vic thought he was getting his memories restored, it's a good thing he called Superman in to help push Vic's off button.

And since Superman is all, "Sure, Doc Mor! I'll beat up Cyborg for you on your word alone!", it must mean this is all still part of Vic's nightmare. He's probably still stuck in some machine with his fake robot dad trying to force him to accept his robohumanity.

No, this is a new nightmare. Apparently it began when Doctor Morrow shut off Vic's brain activity to restore his memories. Just like earlier with Sarah! But this time, Vic's dream has him flipping the fuck out and he decides to go sleep vandalizing Detroit. Or Metropolis. Wherever the fuck this STAR Labs is.

Robot Daddy Silas Stone decides to take this opportunity to weasel his way into Vic's life and STAR Labs while Human Daddy Silas Stone is trapped in Robot Daddy's evil lair.

Meanwhile, Vic is still struggling in his nightmare where, I guess, he'll learn something important about himself. Like how he's human! Didn't he just learn that lesson in the Kilg%re story? Maybe he needs the message reconfirmed every few issues before he can truly believe it.

The Ranking!
0! Mostly I don't care about Cyborg or this comic book. But since it isn't demonstrably terrible in whatever it's doing that I don't care about, I won't penalize it! It can just float somewhere in the middle of the viscous substance that is mediocrity. That's probably for the best since Cyborg comics are used to being mediocre.

Cyborg #2

Now kiss!

The Commentary!
• Let me guess: Cyborg battles a robot in this issue and discovers a little bit more of his humanity! You know what I'm tired of, comic book writers? I'm tired of heroes battling twisted funhouse mirror versions of themselves so that they can learn a stupid lesson. Learning lessons is for nerds and jerks who aren't already perfect! Why can't Cyborg have adventures that have nothing to do with the fact that he's a Cyborg? Is it because these stories are actually about how African-Americans are treated by white society? I suppose I have to allow that because social commentary is greater than robots fighting. I don't actually believe that but other people probably do which is why I wrote it.

• So Cyborg is fighting a robot who hates humanity. It's like when Batman fights a criminal whose parents were killed at a young age so that he can feel righteous about his choices. Or when Superman fights a Kryptonian who chooses to abuse his power. Or when Batgirl battles a female villain because, um, Batgirl is female. Come up with a new idea, comic books!

• The current story is called "The Imitation of Life" and this issue is called "Trial and Terror" because that's clever! I guess. It replaces the usual word in the statement with one that rhymes!

• Cyborg is battling Kilg%re, a robot that can do pretty much anything the writer needs him to do to keep the action going. And because a lot of readers won't be familiar with Kilg%re, he helpfully explains where he came from and what powers he has.

What does reciting Shakespeare have to do with anything? Any robot or child who loves attention can be programmed to do that! And why bash Internet trolls?! I think I'm offended!

• Kilg%re recites some Hamlet for Cyborg just before dropping Sarah Charles off of a building. I bet Cyborg recites some Hamlet back at Kilg%re later! It's probably thematic! Did Hamlet battle cyborgs in that play? Or was that in Othello?

• Kilg%re was sent by Cyborg's Machine Daddy to tell Cyborg that he's a machine and he should remain with machines and stop mixing with humans.

• Kilg%re should become a rapper and change his name to Kilg$re.

• Kilg%re leads Cyborg to church where they can discuss Cyborg's lack of a soul. When is Cyborg going to realize that a soul is just a metaphorical concept to describe the essence of human individuality. The brain is the closest thing to a soul that a person has. This is obvious when you consider transplants. If any bit of me were replaced by another person, I'd still be me. Until you replaced my brain. At that point, nobody would believe that it was still me. At that point, it's a full body transplant for the brain that was put into my skull. If I had a soul, it could just take over the brain and infuse the new brain with my personality, right? Unless the soul is kept inside the brain somewhere. Shut up, me! You want me to lose my own argument!?

• Held hostage by Kilg%re, Cyborg has to choose a side. Is he robot or man?! I mean, technically he's both. A cyborg! I thought Kilg%re was smart. Doesn't he have access to a dictionary? This whole choosing which part of you is the real part seems awfully racist, dude.

Oh shit. Kilg%re has Daddy Issues!

• Why is Kilg%re so upset about humans building machines? It's not like a Lawn Mower has to find its purpose. It's born with meaning! I suppose the trouble starts when a lawn mower gains sentience and would rather write poetry than mow grass. But that's a problem that should be left for when it gains sentience! Why worry about a lawn mower being enslaved when it's just a fucking machine? Stop projecting your own artificial intelligence onto other machines, Kilg%re! You're way more human than you realize.

• Kilg%re decides to compare a lawn mower to an African-American slave. I guess robots have a hard time noting when they're being huge dickholes. Next, Kilg%re will probably tell how he was once in London and didn't have the proper adapter for the outlet and he couldn't recharge. He'll probably refer to it as "his Vietnam."

• Cyborg refuses to join with the robots even after all of Kilg%re's impeccable logic about how using a coffee machine is equal to owning a slave. That's when Kilg%re decides it's time to bring Human Daddy into the discussion. With a bomb strapped to his chest.

• Cyborg saves his father and then, through plot devices, gets the upper hand against Kilg%re.

I like Cyborg even less now! Having a favorite Ernest Hemingway novel is like having a favorite time to eat your own shit.

• The big surprise twist is that Cyborg's father Silas isn't his father! It's an impostor! The real Silas is tied up and being forced to watch monitors showing Cyborg's life in real time. Poor guy!

• See? Cyborg should have been paying attention to Kilg%re's Shakespeare hint. Because this whole father switcheroo was exactly what happened in Hamlet.

The Ranking!
+0! It's Cyborg, you know? Someday, I'm sure somebody will make him interesting. But it certainly won't be any of these writers who believe to make him interesting, they need a hot take on his humanity. Just make him funny or sexy or super cool or arrogant or a douchebag. Show his humanity through human flaws! But don't make them Shakespearean! Cyborg doesn't need to love too well! Mostly because that would be racist, basing him on Othello.

Cyborg #1

We get it, Cyborg comic book! The main character is a CYBORG!

The Commentary!
One of the main reasons I don't believe in The Bible is that it never mentions cybernetic beings. You'd think if something will have existed, God would have known about it. And if God knew about cyborgs way back when he created the world, how could he not mention them to Abraham or Israel or every single person he spoke directly to in The Bible? If I were God and I were hanging out in the Garden of Eden talking to Adam, I would definitely have mentioned cyborgs. Like that part where Adam was choosing a help meet, right? As God, I would have been, "So, what about a cow? No? A horse? A duck? Oh! OH! You'll never turn this one down: a cyborg! Boom! Totally radical, right dude?" And it's not like a mention of cyborgs wouldn't have gotten a whole section of The Bible all for itself. The sections would have been marked "The Creation," "Adam and Eve," "Adam Learns About Cyborgs", "The Fall of Man." I suppose Adam really wouldn't have learned much about cyborgs. He'd probably have only asked God the same question about cyborgs that he had been asking about every other rejected help meet: "Can I fuck it?" I think God's answer to Adam every time he asked that was, "Yeah, but you probably shouldn't!"

This issue begins with Cyborg's Machine Dad going on about broken and useless technology which people don't need anymore. I always thought it all wound up in bins at the back of a Goodwill but apparently, according to Cyborg's Machine Dad, much of it is toxic to humans and thrown in landfills. So are the four or five old broken outdated laptops piled in the corner of my office a threat to my health and well-being?! I should probably load them up with porn and send them to poor pornless children in other parts of the world.

Who am I kidding? I don't need to load them up with porn at all! It was probably a virus that downloaded tons and tons of porn onto the hard drive that killed each of those laptops.

I mean, the laptops probably burned out because I read so much Shakespeare on them.

This story is called "The Imitation of Life" and this issue is part one, "Awakening!" Ooh! So exciting! An exclamation point right in the title! I think I just came in my pants a little bit. Can somebody do that just a little bit? I suppose a little bit is all I have left after jerking it to four or five laptops full of porn.

Cyborg begins his part of the issue by stopping a robbery. So useful! He even does a bunch of the cyber. But that's probably not important because this story wasn't called "Cyborg Plays At Being A Hero While Secretly Being Sad About The Loss Of His Wiener". No, this issue is called "Awakening!" which means the conflict will probably be more of an internal thing.

I thought Morrow was going to say "Matchmaker."

Cyborg goes on an ice cream date with Sarah Charles. This sends him into a philosophical dilemma as he remembers hearing the recording his father made that explained a bunch of stuff his father wanted to keep secret. Seems like a weird recording to make, really. Anyway, Victor is now wondering if he's the same person he was before the accident or if he's just a machine programmed to think it's Victor Stone. Not like it matters. Human or machine, Sarah Charles has had both in her vagina. So I think he's going to get lucky tonight!

Seriously, though, I don't know why he'd be worried or concerned. So what if he's just a machine and code that replicates a human being? How does the knowledge that that is true change anything? I really wouldn't give a fuck if I were a simulation because I'm still a simulation of the person that I think I am.

Speaking of simulations, I find the theory that our universe could possibly be a simulation basically the religious theory of science. It's just a scientific way to say "God created the universe" except, in this instance, God is some other race of beings that created the technology to create a stand alone universe. Ultimately, the real question still remains: how did the race of people who created our universe (or those that created theirs? Or the ones who created theirs? Or...you get it) come to pass? Saying super smart bug-eyed reptilian scientists did it is no different than God did it. Without actual evidence of what happened before The Big Bang, the speculation is as useless as the Catholic Church.

At the ice cream shoppe, Cyborg meets his two biggest fans.

Why that little fucker?! How did his parents not slap the fuck out of him for saying that?! Little shit. I would have used my white noise attachment on him set to "Brown Note".

I probably shouldn't be so hard on these kids. I won't stop going on and on about how Cyborg doesn't have a penis! That's worse! You can live without feeling love. It's actually preferable that way! But without a penis?! Egads!

I don't mean to suggest all of you vagina-havers somehow don't have any reason to live. Of course you do! Your vaginas are terrific! Keep up the good work! A Plus Plus!

Sarah Charles discovers that Victor hasn't been to church since the accident. Well, she knows just the cure for that: jazz! Hmm, that sounds about right. I can't stand sitting through either.

I guess the whole religious thing is what has Victor so worried. If he's just a machine, how can he have one of those made-up souls?! If only God had mentioned cyborgs in The Bible, he wouldn't be losing faith. Although doesn't Jesus mention them? I'm pretty sure Jesus mentions them. If not, Jesus is pretty clear that the way to Heaven is through him. Does it count if a machine is programmed to accept Jesus as their lord and savior? I would have to think so because don't people want Xboxes and Playstations to go to Heaven too?

The jazz performer is named Blue and he's blind. I guess jazz from a blind person is more spiritual than jazz from some asshole who can read a sheet of music. That guy probably isn't jamming at all!

Blue's description of jazz is basically a description of this blog. So I probably shouldn't be so hard on jazz. If this blog were a type of music, I would call it punk jazz. But the bubble gum pop version of punk jazz! Played by a tone deaf piece of shit.

Is Cyborg going to cry soon? Will that prove he's got a soul? Because an old blind man makes him cry? That doesn't prove he has a soul! It just proves he's a big baby!

Cyborg doesn't cry while listening to the jazz which should mean I should be nice to him since I just scolded him for possibly crying. But instead I'd rather point out that if he didn't cry, he probably didn't really feel anything and, thus, he has no soul. At the very least, the kid in the ice cream shoppe was right and he has no heart. I won't even mention, once again, what I'm probably right about.

As Cyborg is feeling pretty good about himself, he's attacked by The Kilg%re. It probably dropped the "the" for Rebirth. For a creature that hates humanity as much as Killg%re does, it's odd that it would attack the machine guy and not his supple fleshy date. I guess Cyborg really is human after all!

The Ranking!
+1! So far, this is a Cyborg comic book that's kind of interesting. It still isn't about his penis though. It really should be about his penis.

Cyborg Rebirth #1

Cyborg has a brand new vibrator and he's sort of afraid to use it.

The Facts!
• Oh Cyborg! Haven't we given you enough chances to be an interesting character?! If as a character you hit your peak when you're stuffing your face full of pizza and playing video games, it's probably time for a little soul searching. Perhaps just bow out gracefully. Let some other people have a chance at the spotlight. Stop embarrassing yourself! At this point, I'm more compelled to read an Aquaman comic book than a Cyborg comic book.

• Part of my current distaste for Cyborg might be because I'm reading the late eighties, early nineties Marv Wolfman run of The New Titans where Cyborg spends about thirty issues as a remote controlled piece of taxidermy. I really can't imagine why they keep him around anymore. Maybe it's because all of Gar Logan's Playstation save game files are stored in Cyborg.

• In his early years, Cyborg was basically just a life support system for a white noise blaster. But nowadays, he's the ultimate computer hacker! He's also a shape changer! Basically if anybody needs to recover their files from a crashed hard drive or needs to rent a Bobcat to bury a body in the garden, Cyborg is your guy!

• Cyborg is twenty-one years old at this point and has been half-machine since he was fifteen. I mean sixteen! Stupid fat fingers hit the wrong button on the calculator. He's currently training at STAR Labs. The "STAR" part of the name stands for "Scientific and Technology Advanced Research." That sounds fucking stupid. Didn't it used to mean "Scientific and Technological Advanced Research" Labs? Who authorized the idiotic change?!

• Cyborg is currently battling the monster version of himself. Although maybe it's more robot and less monster with zero human. So it's not a real reflection of Cyborg. It's just Cyborg's projection of a reflection of himself! See, he sees himself as an unlovable monster. At least he sometimes did and might still think that. Perhaps we'll finally get a confident Cyborg who doesn't worry about asking "Who or what am I?" at the beep of a boop.

• Cyborg gets knocked unconscious by his enemy which is a perfect time for the system running the simulation to pop open a subroutine to figure out Cyborg's identity. It's weird to think that a STAR Labs computer doesn't know Cyborg's identity. Although it isn't weird to think some of the people picking up this book don't know his identity or how he became the inhuman monster with the white noise cannon on his wrist. Let's find out about Victor Stone! If that's who he really is! Maybe his entire life has been a lie and we'll find out he was adopted by the Stone's! That would put a new spin on Cyborg constantly asking, "Who am I?!"

• The computer checks the DNA records and confirms that Cyborg is Victor Stone. That's when it realizes its database is full of romantic stories about how people in STAR Labs met. I think most of them met through T.O. Morrow's Dating App which was also his cybernetic son.

"I am a computer. I can speak normally and use all of the words without calling attention to my computerness. At least until I have to mention love. Why do humans call it that? Can they not simply refer to it as the engaging of their input/output devices?"

• The simulation might not actually be a simulation but an actual attack on STAR Labs. The computer is just monitoring Cyborg's efforts to defend STAR Labs so it can analyze his powers. I'm fine with either thing being true since Cyborg is unlikely to die in a simulation and he's also unlikely to die in a real battle in his Rebirth issue.

• The monster politely introduces itself to Cyborg as Malware. Hey Malware! According to my grandmother, I'm Mal Ñino!

Hey look! Cyborg made a joke that was actually kind of funny and he didn't follow it up with "That was a joke!" This series is different than his last one!

• Cyborg gets knocked unconscious again so it's a perfect time for another flashback! I hope everything readers need to know is covered in this Rebirth issue or else Cyborg is going to be suffering from a lot of concussions to set up the flashbacks for his backstory.

• This flashback is about the death of his mother. It was the first failure of Silas Stone and it hardened his heart like a hard thing! And it's hard to love with a hard thing!

• As Cyborg is beginning to recover, there's time for one more short flashback to when Cyborg was half destroyed by a Mother Box opening a Boom Tube inside of him. Victor's life was saved only because Silas took him to the Red Room and attached him to all of the technology and crossing his fingers. Some scientist!

• I mean, it worked, so...um...Some scientist!

• Cyborg and Malware have their final face-off in a secret room just past the Red Room and three doors down. The room is buffered against any kind of wireless technology sending any streams of data through it. That way, nobody can hack into and find the data being stored in the secret safe in the center. I bet the safe contains Vic's actual penis!

• Malware tries to hack Cyborg but Cyborg is so full of his own malware that Malware is destroyed. Or something. I don't really understand how computers work. I think it's just a bunch of cockroach brains linked together with fiber optics?

Oh look! Cyborg is definitely more human than machine! No human knows when to use whomever over whoever!

• The information inside the safe in the center of the room...the information that was so well-guarded so that nobody would discover what it was...that information? It automatically begins telling Cyborg what it is. It's all, "Hey! Hey! Is somebody out there?! Oh man, I've been so lonely in this room! Let me tell you all about me! I'm a Victor Stone program! I'm what's in Cyborg! Does that mean Cyborg isn't real? Oh no! Mystery! I hope you're not Cyborg, whoever you are. Or is it whomever you are? Oh man, that's a tough word to figure out! Anyway, don't worry if you are Victor because, um, I was just kidding. Ha ha! You're real. Don't spend your entire comic book series wondering if you're real or not! Bye!"

• The computer narrating the story turns out to be STAR Labs' scary version of Silas Stone. It's Victor's Machine Dad! That's good because now Cyborg can have Human Daddy Issues and Machine Daddy Issues! He'll be twice as interesting as every other DC character! Other members of Machine Dad's step family include Amazo, The Engineer, The Metal Men, Cyborg Superman, Red Tornado, The Shaggy Man, The Brain, Steel, Robotman, OMAC, and some guy with goggles whom I don't recognize!

The Opinions!
At least I'm not completely disinterested in this Cyborg series yet! It's got some potential, I suppose, even if it's going to go in the usual direction of Cyborg questioning his authenticity. At least they threw in the Double Daddy Issue Deal. Maybe that'll be interesting. Especially if Machine Daddy shows any kind of affection at all because Human Daddy is a stone-hearted dick! Oh! A stone! That's the hard thing Silas Stone's heart became!

Cyborg #12

Wasn't this the cover to Issue #11?

The Review!
I'm assuming this is the last issue because it said "The End." at the end and also I'm eating cake. You've got to celebrate the little things. And the things that are a little bigger than even the little things like not having to read this comic book anymore. I'm fairly certain it's dried up my levels of serotonin. Which might also be the reason for eating all of that cake. As for the actual review of this issue, it was a structurally sound comic book where the good guy defeats the bad guys while also showing empathy, compassion, and muscles. But it suffers from poor editing, especially at the end when the world is destroyed. Or should have been destroyed. Maybe the world is saved by bad editing because the editor didn't go, "Hey, Marv? Are you sure you wrote this ending correctly? I think the world would collapse into a black hole the way you've written it." But since the editor didn't say that, the world lived! Hooray for bad editing failing to catch bad writing! Or something?

The Commentary!
Just as Cyborg's twenty-four hours in a test tube are coming to an end, STAR Labs suffers a break-in by a super couple. Their outfits are like space suits or scuba gear and their skin is pale, so I'm guessing they're somehow sick. I bet they're love sick! They're probably lovers whose super powers won't allow them to do it and so they've come to STAR Labs for a cure! Their names are probably Rome and Jules. Cyborg just got done learning a lesson about jumping to conclusions last issue so let's see if he applies it to this situation! Maybe these two aren't breaking into STAR Labs? It must be the Fourth of July weekend because nobody seems to be around to answer the door so the two just snuck in using their powers. Maybe the lesson Cyborg learned last issue was that when he suspects somebody is a villain, he'd better make damn sure they're white so he doesn't feel guilty later.

If a reader couldn't tell the two lovers were white people, they mention their names are Parker and Autumn. Autumn accidentally kills the one guard on duty so now Cyborg is really going to think they're bad guys! Because bad guys kill people! Although they are white, so he probably won't rat them out to the FBI and ruin their lives until he's sure that they killed the guard with malice, intent, and forethought. I bet Afrooz and her fiance's life is more ruined than these kids' lives will be and they killed somebody.

Sure. Give them the benefit of the doubt.

Maybe the covers of Issue #11 and Issue #12 were similar for a reason! They're supposed to make the reader think they're basically the same issue. But in one, Cyborg sees an Afghani Muslim and instantly blames her for everything that is going on and reports her to the FBI to put on their Terrorist Watch List and completely ruins her life while she's just sitting around minding her own business. But in this issue, two young white kids break into STAR Labs, kill a guard, and assault Cyborg but he still thinks he can talk them out of trouble and send them back to being good little white citizens. Why is Marv Wolfman making Cyborg the face of racist authoritarian thought?! It seems like a fishy message to me!

Because Cyborg is willing to talk to these two criminals, he learns that they've simply come to STAR Labs to steal something. But in a good way! They're dying and the something was built by their father and STAR Labs killed their mother and, hey, Cyborg, did you notice they're skin tone? I'd say they deserve the benefit of the doubt and lots and lots of second chances, wouldn't you?!

Cyborg listens to the kids' story which has something to do with how lax security is for the Red Room but I'm not concentrating very well because I kept thinking, "This brother and sister are lovers? Gross!"

Cyborg learns that the kids just want to live normal white lives where nothing sad ever happens. But instead they have a disease that's killing them which is totally not fair at all. Cyborg is all, "Yeah! I totally get that! I also have lived an unfair life full of non-fairness! I mean, I was a high school football star and my parents were rich scientists and all the cheerleaders dug me. But then I was killed and I was all, 'Oh man! This sucks! Life is the worst!' So I totally get where you're coming from and I will totally help you and not once think of turning you into the FBI because I understand that you are individuals with an individual problem and do not represent all of the evil ever."

Sarah Charles and Silas Stone burst into the room after Cyborg administered an experimental cure to Autumn. Sarah is all, "Why weren't you responding to my texts?! You should be instantly responding to my texts! I just gave you a nineteen hour hand-job and you have the nerve to not respond to my fucking texts immediately?!" And Silas is all, "Oh, and by the way, these kids murdered a guard so maybe you should think about the other side of the coin of prejudice, privilege, you dumb skunk." It's at this point that everybody panics and a fight breaks out.

During the fight, Cyborg learns a lesson.

When Cyborg says "Maybe he could've preserved more of what I was," he means his penis.

Cyborg's father's love is proved beyond a shadow of a doubt when they learn that the criminals' father's cure has actually turned them into potential human black holes.

To contain the black hole, Autumn makes an impenetrable cocoon around Parker. I might accept that Autumn could make a strong enough cocoon to contain a small black hole created inside of a human being except for one small issue: Autumn is the one turning into a black hole. So, you know, whoops! World over! Everything sucked into Autumn as she encased her brother/lover! But at least Cyborg and his father have cleared up a few Daddy Issues. Except now that his Daddy Issues don't exist, neither does this comic book! It ends because Cyborg has nothing more to work through! And that's that for Cyborg! Except for the final surprise ending twist!

Oh my god! So tense and drama-like!

Cyborg #11

Diversity at DC Comics! Present Cyborg as the angry black man who can withstand fire! Such stereotypes!

The Review!
Isn't it about time to give up on Cyborg? He's not as fascinating as DC wants me to think he is. But I guess they don't have a great history of black characters to turn into star characters. My preference would be for Black Lightning. He's got a lot more personality and as long as the colorist remembers to make his lightning bolts black, his name isn't really racist! Of course, DC wouldn't have this problem of Cyborg not being interesting enough to be a star if they just had a more diverse cast of heroes who were popular. The problem is trying to make any character as popular as Batman! It's like there's no formula for how a character gets super popular that they could follow! I mean, Batman isn't anything like Harley Quinn! And Harley Quinn isn't anything like Lobo! Except for the really white skin. But you know what? That isn't going to work here! That's about the extent of my wisdom on this subject!

The Commentary!
My friend and yours, Marv Wolfman, is finishing up the Cyborg comic book because Walker's version wasn't radical enough. Probably because DC didn't want to alienate their angry white male readers by presenting an angry black man who discovered he wasn't emasculated at all and could bang all the white women he wanted. Not that Victor was necessarily only into white women. I think his main kink is women named "Sarah". Anyway, since Marv Wolfman invented Cyborg (I think? That's the best fact checking you'll get out of me!), he must truly understand the character! Like the way he's constantly saying "Holmes!" in 2016! Has a black man ever been portrayed more earnestly? Not that any one black character could represent every black person in the world! I would never say that! Probably 80-90 percent though, right?

Normally I would look at Cyborg and think, "That's a robot!" But I guess now I look at him and think, "That's the black character DC Comics has decided will be as popular one day as Batman, Superman, and Wonder Woman!" They really keep trying and he really just keeps coming off as boring. I had high hopes for the Walker run but forgot about my high hopes almost immediately when the series caused me to nod off and spill my tea. Now I really don't have high hopes about Cyborg's future if he's back in Marv Wolfman's hands!

Whew! That's enough discussion about race! I think I may have solved racism in America! I'm going to go outside and see if all of my white neighbors congratulate me!

Currently, Cyborg is being experimented on by his father. Again! While his body is down, Cyborg decides to interface with the Internet and deal with all of the world's problems at once.

Such insightful political and social commentary!

Cyborg discovers a plane's electronic systems have been hijacked and he begins trying to figure out how to get control of the plane back. He knows the flight number immediately but doesn't realize it's Sarah's plane even though the first thing he did before his body was put in stasis was check on Sarah's flight. He's not the smartest computer in the server room! Did that make sense? I probably should just assume it made sense instead of calling attention to it just in case it doesn't make sense.

Cyborg can't seem to get control of the plane and he can't contact the Justice League because they're all in space on a mission. Funny how they're constantly in space on a mission when somebody needs them and yet I never read any stories where they're in space on a mission.

Cyborg notices there's a woman from Afghanistan on the plane so obviously she's the terrorist. Uh oh! I think Victor might be about to learn a little something about prejudice!

Cyborg stopped checking the passenger list when he came to this woman, Afrooz Abad. Is he crazy?! There might be other people from Afghanistan on board who might be the real terrorist!

After Cyborg stopped checking the passenger list because he obviously found the terrorist, he checks the passenger list to discover Sarah is on the plane. Even though he should have already known she was on this plane, remember?! I wonder if Cyborg will get nicknamed World's Worstest Detective?

Cyborg begins to investigate Abad and discovers she's totally clean. Which only makes him more suspicious! She must be the culprit!

Sarah begins acting even more strangely than Abad but nobody has security wrestle her to the ground because she's speaking English and isn't wearing a hijab. Unless it's called something else because remember that thing I said earlier about my fact checking! Sarah rigs up the entertainment system to distract everybody on board with Facebook. I'm surprised they're calling it Facebook in a DC comic book. Isn't the DC Universe filled with bad clones of real products?

Along with the plane catastrophe, Victor notices a bunch of warehouse fires around the world with similar modus operandi. Modi operandi? I really should see if I can rehire Pickle Boy to do the fact checking around here! Anyway, the warehouses that are all burning seem to be run by criminal syndicates. So it's a good thing! Except for the workers trapped in the warehouses and about to die because they don't know how to open an exit door.

This is a bad thing! Unless they're complicit in the crimes happening in these warehouses. Then it's a grey thing!

Cyborg alerts the authorities so they know that there will be burned bodies in the ashes of the burned down buildings. I assume that's why he alerts them since he already knows help is on the way but they're stuck due to the traffic lights all being down and chaos ensuing in the streets. Does he think the authorities will somehow get around that chaos because he told them people were trapped in the burning buildings? Maybe he should fix the traffic lights while he's doing everything else.

Cyborg realizes that everything happening isn't a terror threat but a gangland protection racket thing. I guess it's only terrorism if the wrong people use violence and destruction against the white people. I mean right people. But the plane is still having trouble for some interrelated reason, so Cyborg turns his attention to saving Dr. Charles. Plus the other people.

I wonder if by the end of this story, Cyborg is going to apologize to Afrooz and her fiance for getting them on the FBI's Terror Watch List?

So Cyborg's powers are sufficiently technological as to be magic now. Awesome.

Cyborg discovers that the real bad guys are Dark Net people. Ooh! The Dark Net! Now there's a good bogeyman for Cyborg to constantly battle! Although it might not be good material for a comic book since ninety percent of the time, he'll probably be busting child porn rings.

Cyborg makes sure to feel really badly about his prejudice. Lesson learned! That lesson was that black people can be racist too, right? Is that what Marv was saying?

And finally, 19 hour handy time!

Cyborg #10

Fuck! Wolfman is now writing this book? I'm sorry I ever criticized David Walker's writing!

The Review!
I'm not completely sure if I used to like Wolfman's writing and now hate it, or I'm still pissed at him for promising that I'd have an Elfquest movie fifteen years ago and nothing! Fucking dick.

This issue ends the Technosapien story arc once and for all. Hooray! But it does it in almost as boring a way as the previous issues. The action was terrible and Marv Wolfman's entire concept of Victor Stone's character is making him say "Holmes" a lot. But the stuff with his holographic mother being a plant by the technosapiens, and the dialogue the Stone family shared, weren't awful. So a couple of kind of highlights in this issue but overall, this entire Cyborg series has been a big pass for me. Except I didn't pass any of it! I'm a fucking sucker!

Cyborg #9

Victor beat Billy at table tennis so Billy said, "Let's see you in a mystical fist fight!"

Rating: This series is much better than the first story arc although not by a lot because it's all been tainted by how boring the first six or seven issues were. Cyborg's dialogue is still that of a witless blowhard but at least he isn't telling jokes which he (or another character) then has to explain are jokes because they're not very joke-like. I'm sorry to say that I still don't think this comic book is worth picking up no matter how badly DC Comics wants Cyborg to become their next big moneymaking character. I wonder how many people were confused by the Silas Stone video in Batman Loves Superman: Dawn of Just Us? I guess Cyborg is more mainstream than I give him credit for since he was part of Cartoon Network's Teen Titans cartoon for years. Did anybody else think he sort of acted like the fifth Ninja Turtle in that cartoon?

• Everybody is making pretend spoiler jokes about The Walking Dead finale so here's mine: Hurley wakes up in the mental hospital and realizes it was all a wet dream.

• No wait! Here's my The Walking Dead fake finale spoiler: fan of the comic book series continues to buy the trades even though they're getting more and more boring and Charlie Adlard is still drawing the art. How many times do I have to read two or three pages about a character before some other character finally calls them by name so I can quizzically say, "Oh! That's who that was?!"

• Currently, Cyborg is being hassled by the government because he has "unregulated technology". I mean, he is unregulated technology? It doesn't really matter. The main thing to focus on is that the government is, once again, being a bunch of Douchéstorks. Here's how government apparently works: a bunch of ignorant people become frightened of something that causes sadness, corporations see an opportunity to make a ton of money by playing on this fear and lobby the government for laws that will help calm the populace while also increasing their revenue in some way, government officials receive generous kickbacks to get the proposed laws on the book, some weird fucking kid has a hallucination on the steps of congress, and the bill becomes a law! Everybody has a new illusion of safety! Hooray!

• If you read the last bullet point and came away with the idea that I'm anti-government, you couldn't be more wrong. The government serves many important functions and should actually serve a bunch more for the real comfort and safety of the people. It's the politicians and their fervent, idiotic bases who would rather be angry and ignorant than knowledgeable and happy whom I despise.

• The government has brought Captain Marvel along to arrest Cyborg because he's obviously quite dangerous being a black man. I mean, a man with unregistered cybertechnology who will be treated like any other white guy with the same technology. Except that's not true, is it? The white guy with unregistered cybertechnology was offered a job with the government. The black guy is getting hassled and physically attacked!

• This issue is called "Pub Lice Nemy #1". I don't get it.

• Forty-five days ago, Cyborg told the Justice League, "I'm a fucking member of this League, right? So for once, you're going to deal with my fucking problems! And don't think you're going to run off on some Superman or Batman adventure while dealing with my problems! I'm calling Dibs, you fuckers! Stop treating me like a junior member of this squad! I mean league!"

• It might not be a bad idea to have Cyborg join the Suicide Squad. It needs a Rick Flag-esque ethical compass on it!

• After the flashback, the narrative returns to Captain Marvel and Cyborg's fistfight. But with a sly wink and a touch to the side of the nose to the reader! Because now we know this is all show! Probably.

• See? Just like I explained earlier!

• Forty days ago, Cyborg and Batman hung out in the Batcave exchanging knowing glances as they did all sorts of illegal things. But illegal in a good way because they're good guys! Duh!

• Also in that scene in the Batcave, Cyborg shows some non-exciting reasons why he's useful. Like how he can read legislation in a nanosecond and point out the bits that are important to their case. I think that used to be one of Alfred's jobs!

• Batman and Cyborg discover that anybody with any kind of cybernetic implant will be controllable by the government if the legislation passes. Also, Cyber-Tech's CEO and shareholders will become filthy rich. Cyber-Tech's employees will have to figure out their own health insurance and 401K because the company has to pay so many taxes!

• Why is Superman acting like the government hasn't tried to do the same thing to him multiple times? And why is Wonder Woman being such a dick about it?

• Cyborg casually tells Superman that he could murder him in less than five seconds. Dude! Chill!

• Cyborg tells everybody his plan to defeat the American government and then shows his friends his penis.

They likey!

• "Showing them his penis" is a euphemism for revealing that he can turn into a human and not a joke about something that's bigger than a breadbox and can be put in my mouth. It's also a reference to how the Cyborg character had issues with being an emasculated black male made safe for white consumption by destroying his genitals. Kind of like how that rich white asshole Santa Claus had his elf pull out all of the teeth of the Abominable Snowman and then put it in chains. Fucking Rudolf. I can't believe that racist propaganda is shown every year! And don't think I don't know what Rankin and Bass really meant when they were calling the Abominable Snowman a "bumble"! Bastards!

• If anybody has read That Cavortin' Bastard's rant on Rudolf and is now thinking, "Christ, Tess! You just stole all of those revelations from That Bastard!", you should realize that I wrote that.

• Cyborg's big plan was to get caught by the government. And it's successful! I guess he just needed the Justice League to stay out of it so he could destroy Cyber-Tech from within.

Cyborg #8

It annoys me when a comic book company green lights a cover of a comic book that could have been drawn by me.

Rating: Probably -1 Ranking even though I haven't opened the cover yet. I have feelings about this book. Rather, I have nearly no feelings about it and will probably be thoroughly bored while reading it.

Remember when a man stalked and killed a young man named Trayvon Martin and we all decided that we were fine with people believing the man was within his rights and should be allowed to go free while we, angry and upset, did nothing more than write comments like this online and pretend like we were fed up with it even though we've continually just did nothing more than be angry since then? Apparently this incident happened exactly four years ago today even though I only discovered that when I consulted Lord Google to make sure I was spelling Trayvon's name correctly because that would be embarrassing if I got that wrong and there's nothing worse in America than being embarrassed on the internet. I guess my body has an internal rage alarm clock. Good thing something is acknowledging the rage since I'm too busy reading comic books to try and make the world a better place.

Cyborg and Captain Marvel (Fuck calling Billy "Shazam" when he's got his Man Pants on) beat up on a guy named Zookeeper who would be lucky to wind up dying on the Suicide Squad. The jokes they make at his expense continue the same tired trend of this comic book where Cyborg believes he's wittier than he really is. He keeps saying he's a genius and that might be true in that he can do a really complicated math problem or build a super computer that turns farts into fuel. But he's terrible at cracking wise at other people's expense.

His father Silas Stone must be the same kind of genius because he rebuilt his son out of alien technology and yet at breakfast he asks his son to pass the syrup while he's holding the syrup bottle.

This is why dumb people think smart people are so dumb! Because not smart people write smart characters but can't write them in a way that's smart because the writer isn't smart enough to write a convincing smart person! Also dumb people always invent all sorts of caveats to what "smart" actually means. So if they don't know anything and are completely ignorant of even the smallest scientific facts (like, you know, an American), they claim that at least they have common sense and street smarts unlike smart people who are sooooooo stupid when it comes to doing everything that isn't answering questions on Jeopardy. Or what about those insecure people who have to label a bunch of different ways for a person to be smart so they can find a category to fit into? "Well, I'm smart at organizing books on shelves! Genius at it, even! Oops, I shat myself!"

The worst thing about being the smartest person on the internet is that nobody believes me!

It's not even a good joke since half the creatures are reptiles or amphibians!

The narrative of the story keeps jumping back in time so after Cyborg makes that hilarious joke about the situation being hairy, the scene jumps back to 59 days previous to an "undisclosed location." Why would nobody disclose the location to the omniscient narrator? You'd think at least the narrator would know where every scene was taking place. This just feels like lazy editing! The editor has decided they don't want to take a stand and declare some new organization's location in the DC Youniverse. Which totally makes sense since nobody even knows what state Gotham is in.

The secret facility is where Cyborg's real enemies are gathered. They're congressmen and lawmakers who want to pass laws limiting people's access to cybernetics because a black man owns some. It's not the cybernetics that make them feel unsafe. It's the fact that a black man owns more than they do! So time to pass a law declaring them illegal! At least for certain people. You know what certain people I mean.

Let me translate this for the dumb people who accidentally stumbled upon my blog and haven't been offended enough to stop reading yet! "Technology that only a few elite people understand" means "science and math is hard to understand and the people who understand it are assholes who think they're so much better than me because I can't even figure out which way to put a Pop Tart into the toaster." "Unregulated forays into dangerous territories" means "facts that are demonstrably true but which I can't understand because I just learned that Kit Kats shouldn't be shoved up my anus." Things which "can be easily compromised and turned against humanity" means "minorities can use them against us!"

The guy with the eyepatch (an indicator of bad guyness unless his name is Snake Plissken and then he's a double bad guy bluff good guy. Maybe it depends which eye the eyepatch is on) doesn't understand what Senator Champlin is saying so he says Senator Champlin isn't saying anything. That's a total dumb guy tactic! You know how when a really smart person zings a dumb guy, the dumb guy thinks he'll really get one over on the smart guy by pretending not to understand the zinger which only makes the dumb guy look dumber but he's too dumb to realize it so he keeps using that tactic.

Oh Billy. That's the joke Cyborg was making. You didn't make the joke you just made it less subtle. Not that it was subtle in the first place. And since that's the case, Cyborg is complimenting his own joke.

I'm glad David Walker constantly has other characters pointing out that somebody is making a joke or saying something funny or I would have missed every fucking joke since this comic book began. So far in this issue alone (I can't remember how often he did it in the other issues but I've pointed it out before), there's been the one I just scanned, the time Captain Marvel repeated one of Cyborg's jokes and said it was hilarious, Zookeeper screaming that he's not a joke, Cyborg's dad pointing out Cyborg's ability to keep telling jokes in the face of disaster, and the Zookeeper screaming at Cyborg to stop making jokes. I'd complain that David Walker doesn't need to keep reminding us when things are funny but since none of these moments have actually been funny, he'd better keep it up before I take this thing too seriously.

Your penis, right? You're going to show him your penis! Let me know now if I should laugh at it!

The issue ends with the government's goons going after Cyborg because he didn't properly register his cybernetics with them. Fucking government! Always trying to take away the black man's teeth! Like in that Rudolph Christmas special where Santa defangs the Abominable Snowman and puts him in chains. Bumble, my ass. I know what Cornelius really means when he calls it a Bumble. You can't snow me with your "white truths", you fucking Snowman!

Cyborg #9 Rating: No change. I know I put the rating at the beginning and pre-rated the comic book but that was because I didn't realize this was going to turn into an actual commentary. It was less boring than previous issues of Cyborg although David Walker seriously needs to put a cap on how many times somebody points out that something was a joke. It takes up about 25 percent of the dialogue in this thing!

Cyborg #7

This cover nails exactly how disappointingly mediocre this issue actually is!

Rating: -2 Ranking.

Oh! Guess what just happened in the pages of Cyborg?! The government has decided Cyborg is a dangerous threat to the public! Also they came up with a bunch of comic book bullshit which boils down to "the government owns Cyborg." So not only does this issue pull the most boring twist in comic books by turning the hero into the government bad guy, it also makes no sense in any other way at all! But at least it maintained its mediocrity by having an emotionless reunion between Victor and his "mother" which pulled at no heart strings of mine at all. It's also possible I have no strings and/or heart.

I'm sorry, DC. I know you really, really want Cyborg to become one of your standout characters but you're going to have to do a lot better than this. First stop deluding yourselves and realize that ultimately Cyborg is a boring character. Start from there! What do you do when you have a boring character? That's right! Brave and the Bold style team-ups! Let's get Jonah Hex in this thing! Then after a few issues, kill off Cyborg and change the title to Jonah Hex! I can smell the cash register ching-ching-chinging now! I mean hear it!