Batman and Robin Annual #3

Since the final issue didn't end in hugs, the series needed one final annual. Which will end in hugs, by God, or I'm going to curl up on the bathroom floor and weep! I will also do that if this ends in hugs!

In the final issue of Batman and Robin, Batman said that he was proud of the kid Damian had become. The problem is he said it to Alfred and not Damian. Come on, Batman! The kid is desperately searching for your approval! And even though Batman isn't known for giving out warm fuzzies, the kid kind of deserves some, don't you think? I suppose the best Batman is capable of is a some mildly tepid fuzzies.

Damian is hanging out in the backyard of Wayne Manor with Titus. He's keeping a close eye on the Justice League Satellite Brought To You By LexCorps through his spoiled rich kid telescope. Lucky little fucker has a computerized one that you can set to automatically move along with whatever you're looking at. My shitty telescope had the dials on the ends of flexible rods that you had to constantly keep adjusting if you wanted to keep Jupiter in sight for any length of time. And my stand was crap so even just turning the dials sometimes shifted things so you'd have to relocate the planet all over again. It was actually fucking cool and probably a more expensive telescope than my mom could really afford at the time. Still, I would love to have one of those fuckers Damian is using. Although, I think Bruce is a cheap bastard because can't he afford to build Damian a fucking observatory right in the backyard?

Damian decides voyeurism isn't as much fun as actually being a part of the thing observed, so he spends a few hours fixing up an old Justice League teleportation system and heads into space to visit dad.

Fucking Titus. How come Alfred Pennyworth the Cat and Batcow never get to go on away missions?

Batman and Robin wind up on the moon trying to solve The Mystery of the Uninvited Moon Guest. Batman gives Damian a brief history of moon landings which is totally ancient history because shit like this is never going to happen again. At least not by Americans. The moon landings happened in a time when people accepted the possibility of the loss of human life if the end results were spectacular enough to justify the risks involved. But now we live in a society so full of people ready to condemn, blame, and tear down that no results, no matter how grandiose, seem worth the risks. Now it seems like everybody is just waiting for the next person to fail so they can heap on abuse and feel gloriously self-righteous in not having been the person to fuck up. It's not all bad, of course. We need criticism and we need cynicism and we need to hold the powerful accountable. But some people think those tools should be used with equal fervor in every situation, from condemning Monsanto to calling out a person on Twitter who may once have made a comment that was easily, and purposefully, misunderstood just so the person calling the other person out could write a clickbait article and garner a brief moment of viral internet fame.

One of the major problems with how we connect as humans is that the few moments where we all seem to be focused on the same event and where we have a chance to bond through shared sentiment and empathy have all been disasters. Was the moon landing the last time Americans shared in an uplifting moment which sparked the imagination of a generation and seemed to erase any limits on what was possible? Maybe that time Richard Hatch won the first Survivor?

Anyway, Batman and Robin investigate the mysterious creatures living inside one of the Lunar Modules abandoned on the moon.

Gross. Their asses are on the tops of their heads. I bet the whole inside of the lunar module smells like brain farts.

The alien gibberish truly is just gibberish. That's to represent that even Batman can't make heads nor tails of what they're saying.

The aliens notice Batman and Robin clinging to the outside of their home so the hit the thrusters and the module flies off above the surface of the moon. Batman and Robin bail, hop in their lunar rover, and give chase!

Watch out for craters, Batman! And those huge rocks! Bounce!

Batman points out how the aliens look just like the astronauts did at the time of the moon landing. Except for the asses on the tops of their heads. That might be different. Damian's theory is that they're using the astronauts DNA to change into humans. Did the astronauts have jizz catchers for masturbation while on the moon?

The Dynamic Duo track the aliens to a distant crater where they find a gigantic alien spaceship. This is where Batman is supposed to get on his communicator and call in Planetary.

Instead of going in swinging his sword and trying to murder everybody the way the current Wonder Woman would, Batman tells Damian that they should investigate quietly to find out what's going on. It could all be just a bunch of harmless alien good times. And a proper detective detects before he wastes resources because resources cost money and most detectives never get paid because the dame is always double crossing them.

Batman manages to operate the alien technology that they've cobbled together since it's made from old Earth technology. He discovers that the aliens are indeed looking to make Earth their new home. That means Damian and Bruce get to bust alien bones. I'm unclear if Batman is okay with killing aliens. If they're sentient, he usually avoids death at all costs. But sometimes, depending on how many pages are left in the story or how neatly and quickly the plot has to be wrapped up, Batman doesn't give a shit about sentience.

During the fight scene, I realize that the aliens aren't speaking gibberish at all. They're just not using Old Portugese [sic] correctly! They're ignoring the actual sound the letters in the language are supposed to make and simply using their visual similarity to our alphabet. And the letters in the words are scrambled.

From left to right: "I have you now!" "Ha I got him!" "Ha I got him!" "Nonono, we can't let them escape!"

In the next panel as Batman kicks the shit out of them, they say things like "Aaaaa, my face! Ugh!" and "Oof!" and "No they are ruining our plan!" The earlier, much longer alien speech bubbles don't seem to have been as uniform as these. Or I'm just stumped trying to translate them. They seem to mention a shadow (when seeing Batman's shadow) and an intruder and one of them says, "Let me." I think the system was still experimental in the first scene where the alien speech was introduced!

The aliens begin to launch the space craft as Batman and Robin try to climb into the cockpit to stop it. Once they secure the cockpit, Batman shoves Damian through the door to the outside of the craft. If the mission is going to be a suicide mission, Batman wants all the glory himself. At least Damian gets to drive the Lunar Rover as he heads back to the shuttle. Which he'll get to fly all by himself when he goes to rescue his father. What a great day this has turned out to be!

Meanwhile, Alfred Pennyworth is stuffing his face full of mint chocolate chip ice cream.

"You are worms! Screw you and your family!"

Batman changes the coordinates on the ship so that it will crash into a volcano. He then ejects at crazy speeds inside the Earth's atmosphere and Damian catches him inside an open cargo bay door of the shuttle. But Batman is okay because some crates cushion his landing. Plus he opened his cape up which totally slowed down his momentum. Behind him, the ship crashes into a sea of lava and sinks. I guess that answers the question whether or not Batman kills aliens. Dick.

Batman thanks Damian for saving his life and Damian is all, "I can't wait to see the stupid look on Alfred's face when I tell him what we did while he stuffed his face full of ice cream!" And then Batman puts a hand on Damian's shoulder which, I suppose for Batman, is as close to a hug as he can manage. What was that I said earlier? Oh yeah! Dick.

Pearls? Jesus Christ, Batman. You sure know how to ruin a mood. "I see the universe as just one big murder scene, Boy!"

Batman and Robin Annual #3 Rating: Batman is a murderer of alien beings and he's shitty at monitor duty. Is he really supposed to leave his post to go on adventures with his son? I hope he gets fired.

Gotham Academy: Endgame #1

This cover is so adorable that I'm having trouble expressing how adorable it is. I want to say it is come-in-my-pants adorable but even though that adequately describes the crazy high levels of adorable this is, it's also inappropriate, pervy, and possibly illegal.

I don't know why all of these comic books needed an Endgame tie-in except to maybe pad DC Comics' super fat wallet but if it means I get an extra issue of Maps Mizoguchi's Gotham Academy, I'm not going to complain too much.

I wonder how many Americans in colleges across the country wind up writing a term paper that compares Batman to Jesus Christ. It's probably so overdone. I would compare Jesus Christ to Jason Todd because Batman is God. Also the other stuff that totally fits like how Jesus was killed by The Joker and then came back to life by soaking in Lazarus's piss. I should go back to college now that I have the confidence to write the papers that I really want to write! I had one college professor tell me one time that he thought my papers were refreshing because I wasn't afraid to be funny in them. If he only knew how much I was holding back! I could have been come-in-his-pants funny!

I didn't mean I would come in his pants! Don't be gross!

This issue begins with the girls talking with each other but their voices are only in Narration Boxes. So Pom and Olive have to use each other's names to identify each other.

Maps identifies herself based on the subject matter.

All the students in Gotham Academy are camping out in the gymnasium. I could have just typed "gym" but I'm a go-getter! Pomeline, Olive, and Maps are sharing a tent and scary stories. Maps mentions an urban legend about somebody called The Custodian that stalks the campus of Gotham Academy battling monsters and unclogging toilets. I bet Maps clogs the fuck out of toilets. And not because she uses too much toilet paper! She just seems like a healthy shitter.

Pomeline takes the first scary story shift to tell the tale of The Night of The Joker! Or maybe something else. Perhaps The Noonday Joker Happenstance! Or The Morning The Joker Came For Coffee!

I get annoyed when people act overly enthusiastic about something simply to prove to everybody how they're like the biggest fan of the whatever. But there's no faking it in Maps! Her head is going to explode at the idea of hearing some scary stories. And then she might wind down with a Tunnels and Trolls solo adventure while Pom and Olive (PomOlive!) make out in their sleeping bag.

Pom's story is about a kid that fell ten cents short on the price of a Halloween mask he needed for his costume so he was forced to steal it! Why that no good business owner! I hope he pays for being the antagonist of this story! When Jimmy tried on the mask, he heard a voice say, "LOTS OF HAs!" and "You've stolen my heart, Jimmy!!" Which is odd because he'd actually stolen a mask of a face and not a heart. I wonder if it was The Joker's real face?! GASP!

And then Pom said, "And Jimmy is standing right behind you!" No wait. We're not to that shocking twist campfire ending yet.

Jimmy, frightened, decided to return the mask. But the store was empty and abandoned and full of cobwebs! Jimmy thought he would return the mask and then engage in a song with the stern yet understanding owner who was just happy that Jimmy had told the truth. Instead he found himself in a nightmare of Twilight Zonian proportions! He threw the mask away and ran home only to find the mask waiting for him in the closet! And then he buried it but he soon found it on top of his collection of fifteen dozen baseballs! So then he burned it! And the next day...he woke up with it as his own face!

BOO!

I can't wait to hear Maps's story!

Professor MacPherson hears the girls telling stories and pops in to see if any of them need some inappropriate teacher/student cuddling. Just for morale, of course! But they're all fine. And Maps even wants to hear more Joker stories. So MacPherson decides to tell her an old myth about a wandering jester from the highlands of North Scotland! And it's probably a real Joker story since The Joker is immortal! Remember? He's like Pennywise now!

Those who didn't act entertained were turned into props for his next act!

That was a pretty gruesome story for this comic book! And it totally freaks Pomeline out! But Maps is still running on scary story adrenaline and she needs another fix. So it's Olive's turn to tell a real Joker story because her mother has spent time in Arkham. If there's going to be a true Joker story tonight, it'll be this one! And you know how hard true Joker stories are to come by! I've been reading comic books for thirty years and I don't think I've read one yet!

It turns out it's not a story about how Sybil ran into The Joker during an Arkham riot at all. It's just a story from Sybil's childhood so it's probably as untrue as all the rest of them. But it doesn't even matter because The Joker isn't in it! It's just a story about a dumb kid that played Bloody Mary wrong and accidentally summoned the Candyman and then played with a Rubik's Cube that turned into the Hellraiser puzzle after he had a scary dream where Freddy Krueger chased him into Michael Myers' house where he got trapped in the attic by Jason Voorhees. Pshaw! Everybody's heard that story!

But Maps loves it anyway and declares it the best scary story ever! My favorite scary story is the one where Jesus keeps calling Peter up on the cross but the Roman guards keep kicking the ladder out from under him before he can hear what Jesus has to say. Man, that one is killer!

And as the girls tuck themselves into bed for the night, The Custodian keeps watch on the school keeping it safe from Joker-faced people! And The Custodian turns out to be...Headmaster Hammer!?! He's so much cooler than I thought!

Gotham Academy: Endgame #1 Rating: Did you all see how cute Maps was in this issue? What a doll! She's a breath of fresh breath! A wind in the willows! A cherry Pez after four lemon Pez! A Grandmaster of Flowers in a 2nd Edition game of Dungeons and Dragons! A real, living goat that actually turns the tables on that fucking Rachael Rosen! Maps! She deserves five songs and a bag of pineapple Lifesavers!

Wonder Woman #39

She'll bring home the bacon! Fry it up in a pan! Beat up some bad guys! And never let you forget you're Superman!

Poor, poor Wonder Woman! She's so stressed out from her busy life as a surrogate mother to Zeke, as a crime fighter for the Justice League, as a girlfriend to Superman, and as a princess to the Amazons on Paradise Island. Nobody ever told her being a modern woman would be so difficult! Well, Aquaman tried to tell her. But who listens to him?

Wonder Woman has been devoting most of her time to one of the Justice League's new mysteries. Small villages around the globe have been disappearing and nobody knows why. Although the first one was wiped out by a flood when a dam was destroyed, I thought. That didn't seem like much of a mystery at all! But everybody, including Swamp Thing, treated it as a mystery. It's possible Meredith Finch wasn't able to explain it as well as she would have liked to since David kept pestering her about writing parts of the story that would highlight Wonder Woman's ass. But now while investigating one of these lost villages, Superman has also been lost! Let's hope he hasn't been mind controlled again!

Does a drone with a spotlight constantly follow Wonder Woman around to light her perfectly?

So they found Superman smashing bugs deep in the tunnels. I'm sure he's not being controlled by a super insect lodged in his ear or anything. They follow a swarm of the bugs deeper into the cave where they find hundreds of humans wrapped up in spider webs. They also discover a humanoid figure standing in the middle of the cavern. Wonder Woman decides the best course of action is to run up and stab it in the back. No "Hello, can we help you?" No "What are you doing in this bug infested cave, sir?" Not a single doubt that this figure is behind the disappearance of all the villagers across the world. Even if I were to believe that this is Wonder Woman's usual attitude, it would be hard to swallow that she's being this careless in the same storyline where she already did this same exact thing to Swamp Thing only to find out she was attacking an ally. Hopefully she's right this time about this person being an enemy because she practically chops off a kidney on her first surprise attack.

Well, at least he was definitely one of the enemies.

As you can see, Wonder Woman has now proclaimed herself justice. When people have been kidnapped and used for food by ravenous insect people, she'll be there! When Superman needs a hot bowl of soup and person he can vent to about his day (while she hopefully remains quiet about hers), she'll be there! When Zeke needs to be protected from Zeus's first born asshole, she'll be there! When the Amazons need a leader to protect them against rampaging monsters, she'll...well, she can't be everywhere now, can she?

After nearly murdering the insect man, Superman stops her because he doesn't approve of the way she's acting. That's when she sends the men out of the room so she can have a good cry. Because nobody wants to read a too masculine Wonder Woman who only punches and stabs and murders! That's a total turn off! We need her to be all feminine and emotional as well! It's a good thing the Finches are keeping the proper balance of the Wonder Woman we're all used to, vacillating between blood lust and emotional collapse!

Oh, fuck you and your man-lines, Batman.

The Finches are writing the definitive Wonder Woman story here! Here we see how they're comparing what it's like to be a "woman" super hero versus being a "man" super hero. It's quite different, you know! But it takes a great writer and artist to portray the subtleties between the sexes. As you can see, Batman is a man not just because he has "man" in his name but because he is coldly logical and doesn't let his emotions get in the way. Wonder Woman is a woman not just because she has "woman" in her name but because she's ruled by emotion over boundaries and rules. She kills not because she's a violent, testosterone riddled hairy beast but because she's so consumed with love for her fellow human that anybody capable of killing other humans must be killed. And then she cries about it, just in case you didn't understand how feminine she is after she's been spattered in blood and gore.

Batman acts like a male when he points out that he's better than Wonder Woman. See how he makes sure she realizes that he won't be responsible for the death of this insect-man because he has self-control. But she acted like an amateur that doesn't understand that Batman believes everybody needs to follow the same rules he follows. That's what men do! They think everybody should act how they act because duh! They're men!

That's right, sister! You put that fucker in his place!

This argument has probably been pointed out to Batman a number of times over the course of his career. I know I've mentioned it once or twice that, at times, Batman's lack of killing only assures that more people will die. It's ultimately arrogant and simply maintains Batman's thirty two year streak of never having killed anybody. People might die but at least Batman can point out that he didn't kill any of them, whether or not their deaths could have been prevented if he'd only killed the person that killed them. I think this argument only works if we discard Batman's "higher standard" argument. I've never been a fan of the idea that Batman doesn't kill because then he'd be like the criminals he tries to stop. Who the fuck cares?! But if we, and Wonder Woman, were to understand that Batman doesn't kill because he knows it will drive him to a place where he kills again and again because it's easier, then I completely understand why Batman refuses to kill. Like an addict, he knows that one kill will lead to more kills. That's the way I see Batman's aversion to killing. But in that scenario, Batman needs to simply shut up about the possible blood on Diana's hands. If his aversion to killing is simply about himself, then he shouldn't become a didactic, preachy dick to other people who choose to kill. Unless, perhaps, he seems to see something of himself in them and their drive to kill. I think if it were a personal choice because he's a murder addict, his relationship with Jason Todd would really come into focus and become a whole lot more interesting.

Later, Wonder Woman questions herself because Batman questioned her. Could he know her better than she knows herself?! I mean, probably because he is The Jeezly Crow Batman! The ghost of her mother appears to tell her she's doing what she's supposed to be doing since she's an Amazon and Amazon's love to murder out of fear. Seems like good advice!

And then finally, the lost male "Amazons" appear in the comic. Just in time to see them packing up to leave the island!

Good riddance to man rubbish! Get the fuck out! Don't let the door hit you on the dick on the way out!

Why does Wonder Woman even care? Weren't these brothers of the Amazons fine living with Hephaestus? Why can't they just go back to that life? Besides, who wants to live on an island full of women but you can't have sex with any of those women because they're all your sisters?! Some weird hanky panky is going to eventually take place and I'm going to feel really grossed out when I'm aroused by it.

Diana heads into Themyscira to tell her people to leave the whiny, pathetic, impotent men alone. But when she enters the city, she finds a crowd of people listening to a woman she's never seen before: Donna Troy!

What?! That's like the exact opposite of Wonder Woman's plan. I sense conflict in their future!

Wonder Woman is all, "The men are mine! I protect them because they are weak!" And Donna Troy is all, "Who the fuck are you, bitch?" And Wonder Woman is all, "I'm the Queen!" And Donna Troy is all, "Funny, I've never heard of you? Have any of you ever heard of her?" And all the Amazons are all, "What? Diana who? Seems like I kind of remember somebody by that name that used to not live in London and actually lived where she was needed." And Wonder Woman is all, "Die! I love to murder out of fear!" And Donna Troy is all, "Bring it!" And then the comic book is over before they get to the sword fight which seems like quite the male thing to do.

Wonder Woman #39 Rating: No change. I'm not really sure how good this book is because I'm enjoying being a huge dick about it. Sometimes I can't rightly judge through my own hyperbole. One thing I know for sure: Aubrey Plaza should play Donna Troy in the horrible movie version of this series.

PS I can't wait to see how the Insect Queen story arc merges with the Donna Troy Queen story arc! So subtle!

Wonder Woman #38

Wonder Woman shows off her fancy new penis.

Last issue, Wonder Woman fans everywhere applauded the thoughtful and well-constructed return of Donna Troy! Kudos to the new creative team, the Finches! It's nice to see a Wonder Woman being handled by a writer and artist that know exactly which of her qualities they want to highlight best: her beauty! It's about Goddamned time, I (and all the Wonder Woman fans everywhere, I'm sure!) say! I'm so sick of super hero comics with unattractive female leads who don't even bother to show any skin. It's about time a creative team returned Wonder Woman to William Moulton Marston's initial character concept! Here's a quote from William that I totally didn't make up from an interview a year or so after Wonder Woman first appeared and was growing in popularity as a feminist icon:

William Moulton Marston: "I was just sitting in my office one day reading a Batman comic book and thinking, 'I'm having a really hard time masturbating to this. I sure wish somebody would create a cheesecake female character whose life was more stressful than an attractive female's life should be. Also, she'd have a wry, winking sort of sensibility to feminism.' And that's why I created Wonder Woman! Some people seem to have missed that she was satire and, well, I decided to go with the perceived version of her. Seemed to be popular amongst the girls. But still, I hope that someday a creative team will return Wonder Woman to the original concept which I first imagined sitting in my dark office with my dick in my hands and squinting in just the right way so that Robin looked like a peppy young woman."

The Finches should be celebrated and commended on finally fulfilling William Moulton Marston's dream of Diana!

Why aren't the Amazons' brothers helping battle the gigantic, veiny, biting penises?

I wonder why Meredith Finch doesn't just write a script with all double splash pages for her husband. She must realize how much he loves drawing those! They could be full of women in their twenties or thirties stepping sexily out of showers although they'd all look about fourteen so it would be kind of disturbing when it would give me an erection. I mean disturbing for the other people on the bus with me!

I've occasionally put together completely rational arguments against comic books that I found were written somewhat poorly, and one of those arguments tends to get levied at David Finch and Tony S. Daniel over and over again. They have a problem with pacing comic books that they are both writing and drawing. Since they seem to already know in their head what's happening, they don't quite tell the story coherently from panel to panel. The action skips around strangely, fight scenes make no sense, and older women look thirteen years old. It seems that when your wife is scripting the comic book and you're probably standing over her shoulder constantly asking her if she's written a scene with Diana in the shower yet, it tends to fuck up her pacing as well. Immediately after that double splash page I just scanned where Dessa is asking, "Diana, where are you?" as she battles the penises, we get these three panels:

Well, yes, actually, you fucking asshole. Telling Diana where Dessa was would have taken less words than you used to be a dick!

So Dessa is battling cock and wondering where Diana is, then you turn the page and see Diana standing in the middle of a battlefield saying, "WHA...?" Now, I've got an IQ of 28, so I understand that the battle is over and Wonder Woman arrived late and now everybody is pissed off at her and Wonder Woman was about to tell everybody about "whales" when she noticed the massacre and ended "whales" with an ellipsis and a question mark instead of an "-les." But what about readers with a lesser IQ?! I worry that they won't understand what just happened! It's so confusing! And Wonder Woman isn't even drawn big enough to truly highlight her beauty.

What?! Who the fuck are you?! She said, "Dessa!" You know, the most important Amazon after Diana and Hippolyta and Fox News Lady! Too numerous to remember names?! Everybody knows everybody on Paradise Island! How else can you keep up with all the gossip?!

Anyway, Dessa is dead and it isn't the fault of the Double Dong Dragon at all. It was Wonder Woman's fault for not being there to kill it. Fucking jerk. I'm so sick of Wonder Woman not spending every minute on Paradise Island and protecting all of the other women that need protection! So Wonder Woman decides to fill up a page in David Finch Cheesecake Style and say, "But I promise you, my friend...your sacrifice will not be in vain." Oh, so you're going to give meaning to her sacrifice? Her sacrifice doesn't count even though she helped save all of the injured while she battled the Double Dong Dragon? Only now that Might Diana is here to slay the dragon after Dessa did all of the hard work will Dessa's sacrifice count! Fuck, Diana. You're a cold hearted bitch.

I hope Donna Troy swoops down and kills the dragon and becomes Queen of Everything!

Instead Ares steps out from behind the Shaft #1 and says, "You have no control of your life!" And Diana goes, "What?! NO!" And then she wakes up in a pool of blood in her bed in London.

Well, at least she's not pregnant, I guess.

I guess the theme of this new Wonder Woman run is that it's tough being a career-oriented woman?

Meanwhile on Paradise Island (which may or may not have actually been attacked by a double dicked dragon), Donna Troy gets some clothes.

The next day, Diana has coffee with her other ex-Amazon friend, the one whose name I don't remember. She's a healer? She's, um, got short hair? And she's, you know...um, a...you know...a scarf wearer? She tells Diana that the Amazons are idiots that can't handle change and need somebody to tell them what to do. Diana says, "Well they shouldn't be!" And Hessia says, "I know, right?!" And nobody mentions the males living on Paradise Island because fuck them. It's best if we all just forget they even existed and slowly just write them out of the entire story. Also, maybe Hephaestus should show up and say, "Oh, Diana! Silly girl! You actually bought that lie I told you about the Amazons fucking sailors and then killing them and then throwing them into the ocean where the Atlanteans then fucked them and then killed them again? Ho ho! Silly woman!"

Then Hessia tries to tell Wonder Woman how to be a proper God of War so Diana storms out and stiffs Hessia with the bill.

Please! You didn't choose to become the God of War! You were as surprised as everybody else.

As Wonder Woman steps into yet a third role in her whirlwind career life, Batman begins grilling her on her other job titles. Is she really committed to the Justice League as the God of War? Can she really rule an island paradise while constantly having to answer Cyborg's summons? When is she going to have time to satisfy Clark's needs? What about her relationship with Zeke? That's certainly going to suffer! Batman doesn't think she has the chops to do it all and she's going to overload from stress, especially since she left her teddy bear in Aquaman's jet plane.

I guess when Dave tries to draw a man without lines all over his face or fish lips, he just comes out looking androgynous.

Deep within a volcano, Clark is attacked by a swarm of insects. I guess they're responsible for making villages disappear? It wasn't because of broken dams or active volcanoes? I bet it has something to do with Diana being the God of War!

And finally, back on Amazon where it looks like Dessa is fine and the Double Dildo Dragon was just an awful, bloody dream, the council comes to a decision regarding their Queen.

"She's a working woman, dammit! Cut her some slack!"

Everybody but Dessa has gotten tired of Diana not having constant press conferences and photo shoots. Half of them can't believe she didn't come out and publicly voice her condemnation for the Stymphalian Birds. And she hasn't really considered the problem of all those stinky males on the other side of the island. So they decide she's out and the woman who has yet to say anything but looks fucking hot in her armored skirt is in! All hail Donna Troy! Unless she's just like a clay puppet that has no personality to speak of. Although, really, if she's at least around for photo shoots, she's already doing a better job then Diana.

Wonder Woman #38 Rating: -2 Ranking. I'm so happy that Wonder Woman is being turned into a frazzled house wife trying to have a career and a marriage and raise a child because it allows me to be as sexist as I want to be in my commentary and then blame it all on David and Meredith Finch! I wouldn't normally say mean things about Diana and the Amazons! I'm the biggest feminist on the planet! Women should totally not be shamed for wanting lots and lots of sex with guys! What guys thought that was a good idea?! Gay guys, I bet! Goddamn gay guys, always trying to keep women from putting out! Jerks! Probably so they can sidle up to us heterosexuals and say, "Oh, man. That sucks! She doesn't want everybody calling her a slut! Oh, hey! Why is my hand in your pants? You probably want that stiff, succulent mancicle taken care of, right? And since no women will do it for you, how about me, buddy? Yeah? Oh yeah!" Um, if any of that was offensive...David Finch!

Wonder Woman #37

I think this marks four months in a row that I received the Wonder Woman Variant Cover.

Last issue, I was pleasantly surprised that I didn't hate Meredith Finch's writing style. I was not surprised at all by David Finch's art style because it was exactly the same. Immaculately rendered women who actually look like teenaged girls with clear skin and beautiful eyes and full lips and sexy bodies standing next to horribly disfigured men with fishy lips, covered in shadows and dirt and grime and maybe not even completely sketched all the way because David grew bored drawing them due to their lack of boobs.

How many shower scenes do you think will take place in this issue? Probably zero since we had a good one last issue. But I'm sure Meredith will have thrown in at least one scene where Wonder Woman is wearing less than usual, just to keep her husband interested in drawing the book.

The most important thing that happened last issue was that the Amazons held an emergency meeting to declare that men are stinky.

Currently, huge robot hawks are attacking Paradise Island. It's such a momentous event that it obviously needs a two page splash to cover it. When artists write their own scripts, I tend to expect at least two to three double splash pages per issue. And that's even more expected with artists like David Finch and Tony S. Daniel. I forget to take into account that this comic's creators are a husband and wife team, so David Finch is always nearby lobbying for more double splash pages to be written into the script. Especially if they contain lots of barely clad women.

Meanwhile, Fox News of Paradise Island Lady decides that a baby needs to be sacrificed in order to rid Paradise Island of men.

Don't ask me where they got the baby! Maybe the Brothers and Sisters have already begun fucking!

I could be wrong but I think people willing to sacrifice babies are usually the bad guys. Is this woman with the speech impediment and the tail the New 52 Circe? Or have we seen her already in Forever Evil? I don't remember!

While sparring in as-close-as-you-can-get-to-a-double-splash-page, Clark tries to get Diana to talk about her feelings. Maybe you should save that shit for later when you're not trying to defend yourself against a better opponent. I guess having a discussion sitting somewhere drinking coffee would have been too boring for Dave. Also, this affords Diana the chance to smack Clark in the face with a stick as soon as he pushes too hard while trying to get her to open up!

After the sparring, somebody mentions a shower! But then Diana decides it's yelling time because shut the fuck up already, Clark!

My favorite part of her "breaking point" list is how she almost lost Clark. Yeah, that's a good one to throw back at him. "You almost died! You know how much that would have hurt me?!"

Back on Baby Slaughtering Hill, it turns out the baby wasn't the person sacrificed. It was the woman holding the baby which she must have ordered online.

The Amazons decide to offer Wonder Woman a choice. She can remain on the island and lead, or she can go gallivanting all over the world playing superhero. I don't see why she doesn't just leave the throne for somebody else who lives life daily on Paradise Island. But she doesn't have time to make a decision and nobody mentions anything about a baby or a hissy lady with a tail because the robot birds attack! Time for another double splash page!

The Amazons have been killing Diana's pets!

Cyborg's call is about another village that vanished. Aquaman is probably standing hip deep in water where the village used to be and thinking, "What could have caused this? Where did the village go?!" Diana decides to go help the Justice League while the Amazons once again fend for themselves.

And finally, the spell by the hissy lady with the fresh new baby that's the talk of the underworld finally resolves.

There's David Finch's signature mostly naked lady page!

Well so far, Donna Troy's origin isn't completely convoluted! She was born in a cauldron out of magic and clay!

Wonder Woman #37 Rating: No change. I didn't enjoy this issue as much as I liked last issue. I guess Wonder Woman is going to get spread so thin that she'll eventually due something stupid like murder an innocent or something. Then everybody will turn against her and she'll lose it all and she'll, oh, I don't know, do whatever Oliver Queen and Bruce Wayne did after they lost everything. And Superman will look at her longingly with that look that says "I tried to help but you wouldn't let me in" and then, when she really needs him, he'll turn his back and walk away from her because he's really just a super dick.

Wonder Woman #36

Holy shit. David Finch's art is worse than I remember it!

Hopefully I'm writing this late enough after its release that Meredith Finch has gotten past needing to Google her name to read all of the reviews and see how people are enjoying her work. Because I have a feeling that this is not going to be good and I really don't want to hurt her feelings. And if this isn't good, I'm about to say some really mean and nasty things.

You would think that by recognizing the flaws and faults in my own nature that it would make it easier to correct them. But for some reason, instead of making myself a better person, I love to root and wallow in my worst aspects! I love to get that biting nastiness way up in every crack and cover myself in pure venom and hate! It's so refreshing! I love to shove my face deep in a trough freshly filled with garbage and swill, guzzling it down until I'm too bloated to move. And look! Look! My trough is about to be overflowing with the Finch's Wonder Woman! I'm drooling!

The issue begins with Wonder Woman Narration Boxing. You all know what that is, right? Instead of an omniscient narrator setting the scene or instead of a thought bubble coming out of Wonder Woman's head which give us an insight into what she's thinking at the exact moment the panel occurs, we get a mishmash of the two which very rarely make any sense in the medium of comic books. Since we, the reader, are looking at particular panels representing time passing, the modern Narration Boxing reads as if the hero were standing next to you explaining what you're currently watching. The comic book has become a nature show and the hero, Richard Attenborough. It's usually used as a crutch by writers that don't quite feel comfortable letting the art of the comic book carry the load, or by writers with aspirations to write the next Great American Novel. Funny enough, Brian Azzarello employed them maybe—let's see...counting on my fingers...carry the pinky—zero times?

What does the sudden insertion of Narration Boxing into a comic book that has done without them for three years suddenly mean? Well, for one, it's going to allow people who were confused by trying to understand Wonder Woman's motives through her actions and her interactions with her friends and enemies to finally be able to get inside Wonder Woman's head where things will be clearly stated. No more ambiguity! Wonder Woman is going to tell us exactly what she's thinking and why she's doing the things she's doing! Whew! That's a great weight off of my brain because I fucking hate coming to my own conclusions using clues from the artist and the scant, pun-filled dialogue! But then, Meredith might be taking into account that her husband is nowhere near as good an artist as Cliff Chiang, so his pictures might need some Narration Boxing help if the reader is going to understand what's happening.

The first four pages contain Wonder Woman's thoughtful screed on water. It's both good and bad (the water! Not the screed! Well, maybe the screed as well!)! It's life giving and life taking! People drink it and drown in it! It's such a conundrum!

Don't they have fucking washcloths on Paradise Island?! I bet Diana's soap is usually covered in ass pubes!

I bet David kept bugging Meredith all month as she wrote, "Are you writing a shower scene? Is there a shower scene yet? Don't forget the shower scene!" And Meredith was probably all, "Put your dick away, asshole! I'm working here!" And Dave was probably, "So am I! I do my best drawing of teenaged looking girls with my dick in my hand!" And Meredith was all, "Who the fuck did I marry?!" And Dave was all, "Why did you have to age, you hag!" And Meredith was all, "I'm going to my mother's!" And Dave was all, "Your mother is a whore!" And Meredith was all, "You're lucky we don't own a shotgun, you pig!"

I wonder if I can break up their marriage just by the power of my commentaries!

But then the thoughts on water turn into maybe thoughts on something else when Diana looks at a drawing of her with herself (or something?)! Maybe she wasn't talking about water at all! Maybe she was talking about the person in the drawing that looked like a younger (or older?) version of herself in the picture! Somebody Wonder Woman took for granted! Somebody essential to Wonder Woman's well-being! Somebody that could wash away her sorrows in a super sexy sponge bath scene that David probably fought for! Unless that picture was Diana and Hippolyta! Then I'm suddenly kind of disgusted by the thought of the sexy sponge bath. No wait. Sorry, not disgusted. I meant intrigued!

Cyborg Skypes Diana to check her out in her shower towel while pretending there's an emergency somewhere. Unless there really is an emergency at that place that the reader was watching flood while Wonder Woman thought about water. Some bad guys broke a dam and flooded a village. Now Wonder Woman is needed to go hug the survivors and make them feel better.

And the answer to my question, "How long before the next creative team rewrites the thing about men and women living together on Paradise Island from Azzarello's run?", is six pages!

"Wonder Woman is a feminist icon! You can't have a comic book starring a feminist icon be simply about that feminist icon living her life the way she wants to live it and caring about her friends and trying to keep her family from destroying all mankind and teaching people about kindness and caring and love? That isn't feminism! You need conflict between men and women, dammit!" Narration Boxed Meredith Finch as she read Azzarello's run to research Wonder Woman. Maybe she also watched old episodes of the Challenge of the Superfriends. While she watched those, she thought, "Aha! I see! The women fight other women and the men fight other men! Except those two that grow huge. I guess it's okay for Native Americans to punch women in the face because they're close to nature or something."

Wait a second! Clyemne said men stink?! I'm offended! And a little bit stinky. Jesus Christ. How many days in a row have I been wearing this shirt?!

She's talking about feeling horny all the time with all that loose, swinging dick all over the island.

Who is this old crone? The Fox News of Paradise Island?!

Okay, here's the part of the commentary that comes hard to me. We're only seven pages into the first issue by Meredith Finch, so this opinion could change at any time (and it will change quickly as soon as I see an opening! You know it's true! A lot of you have seen me work my magic on Lobdell and DeFalco!) but Meredith's control of this scene and her dialogue, fitting each character so that we know exactly where they stand (maybe a bit one-dimensionally but concerning the topic, I think that's completely fine), seems to show she has some talent at this writing thing. I couldn't assume she got the job because she was a decent writer since DC has also hired Ann Nocenti and Howard Mackie! This scene was entirely too expected after Azzarello left the title with men still all over the island. The dialogue was written well, whether or not anybody agrees with it, seeing as how the old woman is a fear-monger.

And then the Justice League meet for the first time inside the pages of Wonder Woman!

I like how Aquaman has slipped his arm around Superman's waist.

Now is the time where I show off why I call myself a Grandmaster Comic Book Reader. Take another look at that picture I just scanned in. Look it over. Now read what I wrote during last issue's commentary about the future art of Wonder Woman:

David Finch is only capable of drawing women (and usually drawing them looking fifteen years younger than they really are) and is not capable of drawing men that aren’t in shadowy corners of the room and who don’t have fish lips.

Thank you! Thank you! No need for applause. You are simply sitting in front of a mute computer screen, after all. Although if we ever meet in real life, I'll expect a standing ovation.

On the other half of the Justice League Watchtower Double Splash Page, The Flash makes a comment about how Luthor stinks. I'm not a psychologist or a detective or anything, but I'm starting to believe that Meredith Finch lives with a smelly man.

Cyborg and Batman show the team satellite pictures of the villages wiped out earlier in the comic book. Remember how we saw them wiped out by water as Wonder Woman thought about water? Remember that? How water did this to the villages? Water!

OH MY FUCKING GOD! YOU ARE SO USELESS!

Also on the Case of the Villages Destroyed By Something Other Than Global Capitalism, The Swamp Thing! I'm not sure why he cares though since vegetation was all that survived. Who cares about dead humans? That's Buddy Baker's area of expertise! Humans, I mean. Not dead humans. That's Abby Arcane's area of expertise!

As everybody who reads at least one comic book a month that isn't Futures End knows, Wonder Woman appears on the scene to kick Swamp Thing in the face. But what wasn't in the Channel 52 advert was what Wonder Woman says as she kicks him in the face. Because if it had been printed, I think most of you would have skipped this book.

Whut?

Poor Swamp Thing. He's just a peaceful pile of mulch trying to live the best way he knows how but it's always just a little more than the super heroes will allow. Didn't Aquaman tell the rest of the Justice League how badly he got his ass handed to him by The Swamp Thing? In Aquaman's own book even! I'm sure that was just another failure that he neglected to mention. Now Wonder Woman will get to learn that you can't kick the Earth's ass without kicking your own ass at the same time! I think. Something like that. And even though Diana is also the God of War, I still wouldn't bet on her against The Swamp Thing.

Holy shit! Calm down! Somebody's still a little bit pissed about the alien vagina flower her boyfriend foisted on her.

Wonder Woman winds up tied up in roots as Aquaman stumbles onto the scene and pisses himself with laughter. Swamp Thing lets them know he'll share anything he finds about what happened before shambling off. You know, I don't blame Aquaman at all for this misunderstanding. I blame Superman. He's the closest thing Swamp Thing has to a friend on the Justice League and he hasn't briefed the rest of the crew on him? He hasn't told his girlfriend about the wonderful, gentle, lost man named Alec Holland? Maybe Superman is ashamed to be friends with a monster?

On the ride home, Aquaman asks Wonder Woman why she's suddenly so anti-hugs. Forget that. I want to know why the Justice League allows Aquaman to fly a space ship?

Is this the newest model of Lex-Wayne airbus? You'd think they'd have a method of travel that spews less pollutants. Like flying fish! Or just having Wonder Woman carry Aquaman.

Wonder Woman and Aquaman have a heart-to-heart discussion about responsibilities and letting people down. Aquaman, who just let Mera and Atlantis and all of the readers of DC Comic books everywhere down by teaming up with The Others, gives her this advice: "Just make sure the person you let down isn't you." Normally that's good advice but only when it's me not letting me down. When the advice leads Aquaman to star in the most boring comic book I've ever read, I think it's horrible advice. He should not be letting Mera and Atlantis down even if what he really wants is to bang the fuck out of Ya'wara.

Since Wonder Woman and Aquaman (or Swamp Thing even!) aren't the world's greatest detectives, they give up pretty quickly on figuring out what destroyed the villages. Plus Aquaman said it's okay to let down the people expecting this mystery to be solved! So Wonder Woman, not wanting to let herself down, heads back to Paradise Island to make sure the boys and girls are getting along. Once there, she discovers another mystery: The Case of the Destroyed Clay Mother Statue! See?! Wonder Woman wasn't talking about water at all! She was talking about her mom! Unless she was talking about the water which eroded and destroyed her mom statue. Look, I'm not the world's greatest detective either, okay?!

Wonder Woman #36 Rating: Not even close to as bad as I was expecting it to be! Whether or not you have any problems with the characterization, I think you have to admit that the writing and dialogue is competently handled. Except maybe the vegetative injustice scene. And after the first few pages, the book didn't rely on Narration Boxing at all.

This version of Wonder Woman is much closer to the Justice League version of Wonder Woman than the Azzarello version of Wonder Woman. And even though it's the Justice League version of Wonder Woman that everybody hates when they talk about how wrong the New 52 version of Wonder Woman is, lots of people seem to hate Azzarello's version of Wonder Woman simply because of the story about the Amazons raping and killing sailors. So anti-feminist to criticize the Amazons for living the way they want to live! Also, I heard the sailors were asking for it. You should have seen what they were wearing!

Catwoman #34

You know what would be more exciting than Catwoman? Supercatwoman!

Yet Another List of Ann Nocenti’s Bullshit

1. The initial scene takes place in "Gotham City" where a remote control Gargoyle is smelling things. The scene that follows takes place "Elsewhere at Alice Tesla's Workshop." That means her work is not located in Gotham City! I'm good at word problems when they don't involve math!

2. The mechanical gargoyle is breaking into Catwoman's penthouse. Alice doesn't notice the break-in on the security camera because she's busy scoring orbs to forge fragoon feathers. I bet the virtual reality world Alice Tesla is currently playing games in (you know, where they forge fragoon feathers) plays a vital role in the upcoming Klarion the Witch Boy series!

3. Catwoman believes that any thought by any other person that differs from her own way of thinking is aberrant.

4. Alice Tesla mentions that Catwoman won the best thief trophy. When did that happen? I don't remember any kind of closing ceremonies? Did Catwoman steal the trophy because at least that makes sense! That was probably the contest the entire time. The best thief would just steal it. Just like Willy Wonka's rigged game where the actual contest was to find out which child would not engage in corporate espionage!

5. Catwoman's new safe house is going to be an old murder museum because Ann Nocenti must have been reading Harley Quinn and was suddenly inspired.

6. Catwoman continues to judge Alice Tesla for being an introvert and a technophile. Why is it that extroverts and nature lovers truly believe that they're living life more fully than those that would rather curl up with a book and their own company, and those who prefer modern conveniences over marveling at the grandeur of nature. Fuck nature! What has nature ever done for me?! I mean personally!

7. Alice Tesla is no better. As soon as she steps outside, it's whine, bitch, moan, cri, hate, hate, hate. Her main problems with being outside? Mosquitoes, flies, squirrels, pollen, bees, grass. So a bunch of things she won't have to worry about running into in Gotham City. Okay, maybe the flies. It's not like inside is any better! Inside has flies and gnats and dust and spiders and shag carpeting. Shag carpeting tickles the feet too, Alice Tesla!

8. Why is being into murderers and the macabre some kind of proof of your alterna-hipness? My mom loves serial killers and she's as unhip as you can get! For her birthday one year, I bought her the complete set of serial killer trading cards. I purchased the set at R and K Comics on El Camino Real in Santa Clara! Although Brian's Books on Calabazas was my first local comic book shop that wasn't a convenience store comic book rack.

9. The building turns out to be a trap as metal shutters close on all the windows. They're in Jigsaw's hands now!

10. Ann Nocenti proves that she read up on online games and spills as much of the lingo as possible in three panels as Alice Tesla tells Catwoman that she's been gaslighted...by Alice herself! Maybe gaslighted isn't the right word since I have no idea what it actually means beyond the four or five definitions Ann Nocenti gave me last issue. So Ann Nocenti mentions questing and mobs and buffing and DDing and tanking and camping and spawning a bunch of the usual fantasy adventure types of loot and classes. It made me think, "Wow! Ann Nocenti has never played an online game in her life but she's definitely mined the wikipedia article about them!"

11. Tesla sets off a trap that seals her into a room with her fremesis, Cyberius! He's an Elvin Tech-Caster, of course! Which means he can summon monsters via 3-D printing technology merged with the best A.I. enhancements! He can make living monsters! Anyway, the trap doesn't seem like much of a trap. It's more of an excuse to separate Catwoman from Tesla.

12. Cyberius' monster is called Bullbot although it should be called Mechanical Gargoyle From Page One. Alice Tesla's monster is called Gearface because her imagination is terrible.

13. Oh really, Catwoman? Every time? Then why does paper beat rock? Dumb dumb!

14. Funny thing about back-ups though. You don't normally keep them with or on the same system as the originals. Also, nice bit of exposition on Catwoman's part to keep the cloud out of it. You don't want snarky nerds reading this and going, "SNORT! He probably hash all hish filesh uploaded to sheveral different sherversh acrosh the shtate."

15. Lateral lisps are not funny, Catwoman. How dare you manipulate me into a spot where I couldn't not make fun of them!

16. Catwoman arrives and guesses that Tesla's monster is called Gearface because she knows that Tesla's imagination is terrible.

17. Oh my God! Cyberius's distraction has been so, um, fascinating that I almost never forgot about his Bullbot raiding Catwoman's place!

18. Catwoman ruins the date and knocks out Cyberius with her Feral Cat Punch. I just made that up. You can have it, Ann, if you want. Oh wait. You won't be needing it anymore. Maybe Teekl can use it!

19. Ann Nocenti has Catwoman mention a "fear of flying" again. So what Selina is really asking Tesla is if she's afraid of her own sexuality and dating and perhaps that's why she hides behind the computer monitor instead of heading out of the house and meeting real people and getting her feet tickled.

20. After the fear of flying comment, Catwoman continues to speak in metaphor when she asks Alice, "Why is your workshop signal red?" Oh yeah. Boom chikka boom, amirite?

21. After Cyberius stole Tesla's data, she stole Cyberius's data while he was stealing her data. But then she stole her data back but not before he used her data to make more data. Or something. I think they both win!

22. See you in Klarion the Witch Boy, Cyberius!

Catwoman #34 Ranking: No change. All of Ann Nocenti's stories have basically become the same story. Bad guy plots against the good guy. Bad guy looks to get the better of the good guy. Good guy had a plan to beat the bad guy at bad guy's own game all along. Good guy comes out triumphant! But wait! Bad guy still has a trick up bad guy's sleeve because bad guy wasn't actually bested at all! Look at how this ended. Alice points out she stole all of Cyberius's data and wiped it so he had no access to it. And yet he still has an army of Bullbots and Gearfaces! Oh my God, Catwoman! I bet you were wrong! He was using cloud storage after all!

Catwoman #33

HOLY GOD IN HEAVEN WHEN IS ANN NOCENTI GOING TO RETIRE?!

Let's just get this over with, shall we?

Yet Another List of Ann Nocenti's Bullshit

1. Catwoman begins the issue upset with Roulette because her Race of Thieves was garbage. Also because it was fixed. And even though Catwoman should have won enough money to retire for the rest of her life and never write another shitty comic book ever again because she bet on a 100 to 1 long shot and won, Catwoman still insists on ruining Roulette's life. Why? Because she fixed a race, dammit! She held a contest and broke trust with the contestants by rigging it? It was a contest for thieves! If there's is one thing I know about thieves, there is no honor amongst them! It's like their main commandment! Thou shalt not have honor! Who is Catwoman to come around and change that?! She knew the contest wasn't going to be fair from the beginning and now she's more pissed off than she's ever been in her life because she found out it was true?! She used the fixing of the race to her advantage!

Catwoman is really pissing me off right now!

2. Catwoman ruins a computer monitor because, like a cat, she can't tell reality from images on a screen and she thinks she just defeated Question Mark Face.

3. Did any of this ever even happen?! Roulette never gained Catwoman's trust! Catwoman never thought she was going crazy! Catwoman hasn't given up any information unless Roulette's entire plan was to throw a fake Race of Thieves so that Catwoman would solve the mystery of the old dead Countess. Although why would Roulette specifically target Catwoman for that plan since Catwoman has never been known for her ability to solve cold cases up until now? And how the fuck did Alice Tesla figure all of this out simply because there were gaslights at the beginning of the race?!

Scenes from Ann Nocenti's Catwoman

Alice Tesla mentions a thing and then defines that thing. She defines it across several short, staccato sentences. Catwoman looks off into the distance and mentions the thing that Alice first mentioned but in different terms. Alice Tesla agrees and then adds a bit of information that doesn't have anything to do with anything else. Catwoman smirks. She says a thing. She says the thing a different way. She comes to a conclusion that's a half-processed idiom.

End Scene!

3. As in...the length of a National Hockey League season!? If I suddenly found myself pregnant and didn't want to cause a scandal, I think I'd take a trip that lasted shorter or longer than nine months. You think she would have waited until she was starting to show before leaving for her trip? Maybe she did but then, like a moron, stayed on an extra three or four months after giving up the baby to a strange Transylvanian Countess.

4. Selina asks Gillbrite a question which he answers by answering another question and then continues to string together sentences with no actual relation to each other.

5. Who says that? People say that? I don't think anybody says that. Also some kid is playing frisbee with a wolf. Also also Gillbrite didn't fucking unleash anything! He found some more information about an old case. I don't think it's going to threaten the Omniverse.

I know just because I've never heard a saying that it doesn't mean the saying doesn't exist! I first learned the phrase "You can't make a silk purse out of a sow's ear" when I played Infocom's Nord and Bert Couldn't Make Head Or Tail Of It. Not a week later, I was in Las Vegas playing Paigow. An old man sitting next to me picks up his cards, chuckles, shows them to me, and says, "You can't make a silk purse out of a sow's ear!" That old guy became my best friend for the next few hours.

6. Catwoman confronts Hunt Stone about his plan to use her for whatever he used her for. I guess since he didn't know how to manipulate the World's Greatest Detective, the next best person to manipulate was the World's Greatest Detective's Fuck Buddy. Hopefully somebody will explain how the Race of Thieves became the front for getting Catwoman to solve a cold case that Hunt Stone didn't actually want solved.

7. Why are we four issues into the Race of Thieves and nobody has commented on the fact that Hunt Stone's head is on fire?

8. Luckily Catwoman and Hunt Stone have a battle in which they summarize the essential bits of the story instead of concentrating on the punching and the biting. I think it calls for another Scene!

Scenes from Ann Nocenti's Catwoman

"I know what you seek, Hunt!" mrowled Catwoman accusatorily!

"You know what a cunt sees?" questioned Hunt confusitationally.

"When you heard about the dig under the Viceroy Manor, you panicked," explained Catwoman to the readers that weren't quite sure why Hunt would care about any of this since he was just a descendant of the servant that was willed all of Viceroy's money and what did a centuries old murder have to do with any of that? Especially when Viceroy Manor was loaded with riches that the servant didn't get that the Viceroy's children and children's descendants could have claimed. It seemed like a lot of bother for nothing. The Race of Thieves was a stupid idea but it would have been better if it wasn't just the cover for some paranoid asshat that was afraid that his great grandfather would suddenly be accused of murder even though there was no evidence for it at all.

"Do you want I should explain how the whole Race of Thieves came about so that we could, um, I don't know. Tamper with evidence, I guess? Is that the best connection I have between the Race of Thieves and hiring somebody to crack the cold case and then bury the evidence that he finds so that...wait, why did I do that again?" stumbled Hunt Mason. Unless his name was something else. "Anyway, if only you had arrived moments earlier, you would have had me dead to rights. But for what, I don't know. Burning evidence that proves that the original coroner's report and investigation were true? Why would that matter? What's going on here? Where am I?"

"You were busy burning the evidence that would have exonerated, not implicated, your fine stonemason. You were the rightful heir of the Viceroy fortune all along. You had nothing to fear from the crime scene," explains away Catwoman as if the rest of the story somehow made sense and Ann Nocenti didn't just realize that it's all stupid crap.

"Oh woes me! Or something! I should have read the report before burning it! And I should have never done anything at all! Mother always said my paranoia would get the best of me! Unless she didn't ever say that and it was just the paranoia talking," fainted Hunt Thompson. "Why is my head on fire?" he finished.

End Scene!

9. So that the Gotham Police Department doesn't charge him with tampering with the evidence of a two hundred year old crime scene, Hunt Stone gives up some information about Roulette to Catwoman. As if the Gotham Police would care! And anyway, Catwoman did more tampering with evidence than Hunt Mason did! She stole love letters and tramped around the crime scene on stealthy kitty paws! All Hunt Mason did was burn some evidence reports which were sent to him by a private investigator which means they were his reports anyway!

10. I have a theory! Ann Nocenti is a multi-dimensional creature that can't exist in linear time so she's just guessing at the way stories are told and people act! Reality makes as much sense to her as her comic book plots make to us!

11. Hunt Stone tells Catwoman what Roulette does in a day. Luckily for Catwoman, Roulette is an "extreme OCD Neurotic" which means the details Stone gave Catwoman will help Catwoman take revenge on Roulette any day of the week!

12. Roulette is an odd name and fixation for somebody with extreme OCD. How do people with OCD fare with devices that give out random iterations of things?

13. Roulette's Narration Box symbol is a pair of dice. Because that makes little sense. Pure Nocenti! Even if it is the fault of the artists and/or letterers.

14. Catwoman's first act of revenge is to add ten pounds to Roulette's bench press. Maniacal!

15. Catwoman's second act of revenge is to throw a mechanical octopus in the pool that almost drowns Roulette. The purpose is to make Roulette think that she imagined whatever it was that almost drowned her in the same way that Data imagined that Octopus in Goonies. The problem with this act of revenge meant to make her question her sanity is that the art tells a different story where Roulette would have to be a fucking stupid jizzbag to not realize she actually was attacked by some mechanical contraption.

16. Roulette refers to the bench press machine as a "death trap" because she couldn't finish her last rep. Lawsuits for everyone!

17. Catwoman puts on a chauffeur's cap. The perfect disguise!

18. Catwoman ruins one of Roulette's business deals with a plan that rivals the extra weight trick and the perfect disguise! She sends a couple of thugs to Roulette's business meeting and have them say, "We're, uh, duh, uh, wit' Rolo or sometin'?" The Chinese casino owner shouts, "No deal!"

19. Finally Catwoman shows up to punch Roulette in the face and declare herself the winner of the Race of Thieves! She can haz trophy?

Well, she is an "extreme OCD neurotic." I suppose she'd be okay with that as long as every day was exactly the same.

20. At the end, Selina remembers all the other characters in the story and how she defeated them. She says of Hunter S. Mason: "Any time I want, I can put you in jail." What? Why?! I already pointed out why you can't! So he hired Roulette to run a contest. Big deal! And he hired a private investigator to investigate a two hundred year old murder and then burned the file that contained everything the private investigator learned. You broke more laws by stealing those letters, you Froot Loop Dingus!

Catwoman #33 Rating: -2 Ranking. I know I already have this comic book ranked at 52 out of 52 but it's so bad that it needs to be ranked even lower. It is now 54 out of 52! And there aren't even currently 52 books in The New 52! This book is a stinker! It's also one of my favorite to write about!