Five years ago, the world as we know it ceased to be. Luckily, the world as we know it from The Road Warrior came into being. Many people were prepared for this turn of events. Too bad those people were geeks and nerds without any real survival skills. Tragically, they were all rape-murdered by corporate CEOs who, it turned out, were the biggest sociopaths on the planet. Some nerds and geeks survived longer than others due to their proficiency at oral sex. But even these desperate, shameless nerds could not last for long. Eee! Tess Ate Chai Tea gave and gave and gave but eventually, as he knew deep down would happen, he used a little too much teeth. He was thrown into Lightning Dome, a more terrifying version of Thunder Dome, where twenty combatants entered and nineteen left. Mostly because the nineteen were working together to fightfuck the lone other. Eee! Tess Ate Chai Tea lasted thirteen minutes, a good showing but not good enough to be remembered for more than the long weekend.
As it turned out, some of the most depraved and richest CEOs were the biggest fans of Eee! Tess Ate Chai Tea. When the updates stopped (for, you see, DC Comics continued to publish during these post-apocalyptic times although their market share was now worse than Dynamite. In their defense, Gail Simone was being forced to write all of the titles deep within Dynamite headquarters, and all of the titles featured naked lesbians as every character), the CEOs grew desperate for the only written entertainment they could stomach. A new Tess was needed. And who better to take over the job than the monster that delivered the death thrust to Tess, Goggles McDeathhurt.
And now, five years later, Goggles McDeathhurt and Xanadux Rat Wine (Mit Jellied Pinkies) Present: HOLY FUCK! Don't Put That There Chai Tea!
Welcome back, Scanners! Memember backs in da Formertimes how scared everduster was gettin' mit ever fing, from foreigners ta youfs ta drugs ta guns ta poverty ta jess bout anyfing ya can fink on. Peeps so scared a everting dat dey forgetted how dif'cult it been ta be young y full a rampagin' hormones mit an ultimately incomplete brain so any time some dumb dumb kid did somefin stupid dat might ruin dat kid's future selfs life, dey fink it were okay ta put dat kid on trials as an adult. Peeps so hungry fer punishments dat dey finkin' it be okay ta ignore da reasons fer juvenile law. Jess finking ta demselfs, "That child is going to get away with murder unless they are tried as an adult! They'll be free at eighteen! Where is the justice in that?!" Whevver peeps likes it or not, da justice system weren't set up jess ta protect da victims of crimes, sees? Da perpetrators of dem crimes also needs protection from da emotional y rabid mobs dat jess wants ta see blood fer blood. Und while somedust dat's 'propriate, sees, sometimes it ain'ts. And dats when da justice system uz s'posed ta tell da angry peeps, "We's know alla ya alls peeps supremely pissed offs right now but we gots ways ta deal mit criminals what don't involves torches y horses y swinging corpses, kays? We knows whats we be doin' und we 'preciate ya don't be pushin' us 'round while we's tryin' ta do da best job ta protect everduster in dis here case." Even dat...even dat which Goggs jess said woulda gonna raise da hackles on some dem Formertimes peeps acause dey donna wanna hear bout some duster jess murdered some ovver duster havin' any rights. "They gave up those rights the minute they took away some other person's life," dems scared peeps sayin. Mos' cases, mayhaps dat be true. Dat sure be true now in The Dusty Stretches. Justice dead und buried here und if'n ya wanna be a dick, ya gonna haff ta answer ta all dem ovver baddest asses dat violently, murderously, vigilanteishly hate peeps being dicks.
So anydust, back ta dat fing bout kinderen being tried as adults in dem Formertimes. When some kid murders or rapes or seriously y maliciously harms some uvver kid, peeps cryin' out ta try dat kid as an adult acause all dey can sees is da punishment. All dey sees is da victim needs justice. But deys forgets dat kids ain't built fer adult society. Dey cain't, physically, unnerstand some dem consequences of dere actions. Und da adult dey gonna one day become shouldna haff ta live dere entire lifes in jail fer somefin dat stupid, half-brained kid did years ago. Yeah, dem victims gonna haff ta live mit da pain of being victimize, truth. But some dusters gotta fink bout da dumb dumb fing dey did as a kid y a teen und how much dey regrets dat stuff even dough dey never been punished fer it und re'lize da later, adult selfs of dese juvenile criminals gonna hates dat kid dey was as well. Dis one dem problems mit dat Way of the Liard religion und da like...dey fink evil be an actual entity. Dey fink ya can label peeps as jess evil or jess goods. But really, peeps jess animals forced inta dis fuckity culture, dis make believe society, dis artyficial construct dat weren't meant fer dere animal brains. Takes fuckin' time ta figger it out, more fer some den fer ovvers. But da ones dat says, "I knew right from wrong my whole life!" or "My parents taught me that I shouldn't forcefully impose my will on others even though the animal part of my brain desired something and I hadn't yet developed the cognitive ability to process empathy yet, so why can't everybody else have lived my exact life and reacted the exact way that I did, hunh? Answer me that!"
Sure, sure. It's fuckin' tough fer da victims y dere families ta see some convicted juvenile walk affer jess a scant few years of punishments. Dat's obvious. But truths being, a society gotsta takes inta account how da juvenile brain grows afore dey frow away da life of the adult dat juvenile will someday become. We all of us been dat raw, emotional, hormonal, every nerve ending firing way hotter den seem possible a'times, und mos' a us...well, mos' a youse...made it frough dat time lucky y unscathed. Ya didna do somefin stupid dat mighta ruint yer life. Ya fink ya made it frough cause ya had common sense and good parents and youse were smart y polite and followed the rules. But really, ya were jess damned lucky, sees? Fate, providence, random happenstance jess never putted ya in a situation where ya wound up doin' somefin stupid, feels? Jess like ever now y den, some kid falls outta some tree und breaks her Goddessdamned neck...nobody gonna blame dat kid fer being a kid und not knowin' any better 'bout safety or how ta climb a tree. Dat kid jess revelin' in pure kid joy und somefin bad happened and dat was it. We alla us jess lucky ta survive childhood. Some a youse dusters jess lucky ta make it frough mitout ruining da life of da adult ya were bound ta become. Und some of us, sees, includin' Old Goggs here...well, some of us were given second chances fanks ta da foresight of a legel system dat knows kids takes some time ta gets mit da program dat culture y society 'spects us ta git wit from birf.
Anydust, dat's da long way of Goggs sayin if ya wanna change da world...if ya wan' fings ta be mucho different from dem Formertimes, ya gotta look ta dem what don't know any better. Dem dat weren't corrupted by round trip affer round trip of law built upon law built upon social contracts built upon hearsay y heresy und fear y loathing and the illusion of safety and bullshit affer bullshit affer bullshit or racism y sexism und bigotry. That's Old Goggs thought, anydust. Mayhap it be time we see how dem kids groweds up outside dose Formertimes and outside da influence of dem Formertimes here in da first few round trips of The Dusty Stretches...mayhap it's time ta see how dey gettin' along mit dis world, sees? Mayhap dey come up mit somefin we can works mit. At da very least...dere's hopes in havin' kinderen around, even if dey wild y unruly. And mayhap dey be jess malleable y wild enough ta grasp all dat horsedick philosophy Goggs choked down while at Buzztown.
Enh. We'll be seein'. Soons, I guess. How 'bout lookin' at a fun fun littyrapture book dat looks like, jess judgin' by da cover (which I fink I pobably shouldna do, right?!) with Stewart as an Indigo, it mights be 'bout redemption itdelf.
Poor, misunderstood Lantern Stewart. He has racked up lotsa lotsa kills but all mit gute reason. Cept maybe dat time his arrogance caused a planet ta blowed up. Dat mayhap jess been chalked up ta da learnin' sperience.
'Parently, da Green Lantern Corps wants ta take back Space Sector Zero ta reestablish control da unyverse. Ugh. Fuckity fuck control. Dat missin' da whole point of a police force. Youse guys weren't s'posed ta be military, feels? Ya established youselfs ta protect y serve, ja? Enough mit dis control bullshit. It onny leads ta fuckin' ruin, ta hatred, ta conflict y aggression. Peeps donna need ta be controlled. Dey need ta trusted, fuckers.
John picks Feska ta go on da mission ta Oa mit him. Old Goggs woulda choosed 2-6-8-1-7-9-5 acause...well, Old Goggs donna really know why. Somefin mussa comed over her...demonical possession or somefin. Also finkin 'bout some vampire named Tig alla sudden. Fuckity weird, ja?
Imagine a unyverse where all da dusters ya know are friends und dere ain't no duster mit ulterior motives or desire fer powers causin' rifts all updown dose friendships. Old Goggs gots high hopes fer places like Upper Kinder Camp, feels her?
Indigo-1 arrives, like one dem ghosts from dat urban bout da greedy guy, ta teach Johns a lesson. See dese Indigo dusters be criminals what been given second chances by dem rings acause da indigo light be 'bout compassion. Dats da part of justice mos' peeps tend ta forgets. Noduster seem ta wanna pay no mind ta compassion y rehabilitation. Dey jess wants ta live in da easy world fulla black y whte und good y evil. Gray fucks dem up, sees it? Dey donna wanna hear bout no gray horsedick acause it jess be too difficult. Dat's where John findin' himselfs right now. Givin' up on da gray cause da bullet in da head of anyduster not playin' by his rules be easier den figgerin' out a way ta make peace.
Old Goggs figger dat dis here writers, Vans Jensens, got some close up personal unnerstandin' a dem juvenile indiscretionaries.
I speakeded on dis while back when I readem dat Batgirl issue, bout how da Goddess say everting ya encounter, ya encounterin' at jess da right moment, at zactly da time ya needs it. Dis here fun fun book...it jess provin' ta Old Goggs dat she on da right track und dat sendin' da Prof ta Upper Kinder Camp, if'n he got my secret message during my Suicide Squad broadcast, was da right fing ta do. Dis here what dat leader of dem Indigos says, right dere at da near-end: "All appears bleak, so many embrace entropy and lash out. So many dark souls decide that building the future is hopeless. Instead they destroy. But do not follow this path, children. For there exists another road." Dat's Old Goggles way, what was da way she found in Buzztown, what was da way The Professor tried ta git inta her fick head in dat first round trip affer da General Breakdown. We gonna rebuild da future. We gonna fill dese here hearts up mit hope. But we ain't gonna rebuild dat which oncet was. Dat da part Old Goggs saw afore Prof or Savant, bless her pacifist hearts, saw. Dey stuck in old ideas y old ways. But Old Goggs is too, somewhat. Mired in what were learned by too many years in da Formertimes. Dats why, and dis Old Goggs' idea alone, she gonna learn bout dem kinderen places. Hopes Prof gits back ta her soons mit some intels, sees? Cain't jess march in unprepared. Cautious be da way, dis time. Dey might be reactin' like scared rabbits when we come acallin...but dey also might turns out ta be da fuckity honey badgers everduster a'eady finks day are. No tellin, really. It all jess urban affer urban bout dem kinderen places.
Anydust, gonna be gittin' long ta Reading City soon. Hear tell dem Long Boxes be jammin' Goggs' broadcast und talkin' over it ta da Lower Voices demselfs. Dis trip mayhap gonna be a bits more violent den Goggs a'eady hoped it uz gonna be. Goddess walk wif ya, feels it?
