The Authority #26 (November 2001)

If I were afraid of being seen as gay, I wouldn't use a double-sided ribbed dildo as my weapon of choice, Last Call.

I might use a regular dildo with only one head because then people wouldn't think, "Why's it gotta have two heads unless you're shoving one side up yourself as you forcibly penetrate your opponent?" I'd also like to clarify that I wouldn't shove anything up the asshole of an opponent that I'm battling because I'm better than that (unless I knew for certain they had just gotten out of the shower and they were dropping flirty hints during the battle that they were kind of into it). Should I also clarify that I wouldn't beat anybody to death at all (unless they were freshly out of the shower and they had threatened one of my cats)?

Now I wish I was fighting Rush, freshly out of the shower, with a double-sided dildo and she was all, "Oops! my overalls just fell down!", as she bent over bearing her ass with a pinky up to her mouth and a sly wink.

Dinh, the leader of the Space Asians, has just resurrected The Authority out of the molecules of New Authority.

Please wish back Rush freshly out of the shower? Please oh please oh please!

David Finch isn't drawing this issue so I'm fairly certain Rush won't suddenly reappear in a towel so short you can see butt cleavage. Hopefully Jenny Sparks will be all, "I wish I was dead! Why'd you have to bring me back?! Didn't you learn anything from Season 6 of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?!"

The Doctor, who can rewrite reality, doesn't want anybody else to have the opportunity to rewrite reality so he's all, "It's a bad idea, gang! The consequences could be catastrophic!" He then mumbles, "to my ego". Ultimately it doesn't matter what anybody else thinks because Jenny Sparks comes up with the wish almost immediately. Fingers crossed it involves Rush and a towel. No wait! Rush and no towel!

Terrible wish. Even an amateur genie would know how to fuck up that wish!

A smart-ass genie might remove all the limbs of all the creatures on Earth with a wish of "total disarmament." But a professional genie would be all, "Oh? You want every thing that can be used as a weapon to oppress other human beings destroyed? No problem!" Then all the human beings would disappear. Or if the genie didn't want to go that far, he'd at least remove every human's hands, feet, and teeth, and probably all the penises, just to make sure nobody could ever again hurt anybody else. But then Jenny isn't asking this wish of a genie! She's asking it of a dream machine that seems to understand the subtleties of her wish.

Gun nuts are going to go crazy on Jenny for this wish. They'll be all, "Now how will women in abusive relationships protect themselves? Are you anti-women?" But they'll quickly be chased away by a goose honking, "Protect them from whom? Who did they need protecting from?!" So fuck the gun nuts. They're nuts for a reason!

In celebration of Earth suddenly having no weapons which automatically means no conflict, I guess?, the team celebrates with lots of hugs. Apollo tries to hug Midnighter and Midnighter freezes up and then headbutts him in the face. Whoops! I guess homophobia is stronger than genie wishes!

I mean, I like women but I think maybe that's just semantics? I hope?

See? For Jenny's wish to truly have worked, everybody would have had to lose their heads as well as their fists and feet and teeth! The genie who just made all humans disappear would have been the only genie expressing the wish correctly.

After murdering Dinh, the Space Asian city in Re-Space begins to collapse around them. New Authority Door back to The Carrier but not before Colonel makes one last wish on the wishing lantern. He's probably wishing for lower taxes on cartons of cigarettes.

Just in case anybody too dense to understand what just happened didn't get it.

They're all so proud of Last Call's homophobia! Look at their cute little faces beaming down on him! What a joyous moment of hate and joy!

I've mentioned my Catholic, Republican friend from high school, Soy Rakelson, on this blog before. He used to get so angry at the term "homophobia" because he insisted he wasn't scared of gay people. Not at all! And yet, he was so fucking scared of gay people! I remember how he was raving about Peter Milligan's comic book, Enigma, right up until it was plainly stated that the main character was gay and wrestling with his sexuality at which point Soy stopped reading the comic, stopped talking about the comic, and just pretended he was never into it. He was always so into broad theories because specifics always fucked him up too much. Like he loved the John Barth short story from Lost in the Funhouse, "Night-sea Journey", when he thought it was just a bunch of non-specific existentialist philosophical thinking by a "swimmer." He brought it up to me once, and I responded, "Oh, the story about the sperm?" And he just looked gobsmacked. You could see his brain clicking away at the ramifications of what the story was about and how it changed everything going from broad philosophical ramblings to the very specific existentialist quandary of a spermatozoa pleading to all other sperm to end procreation. Being John Barth, there's a lot more to it than just that, of course. Like how stories get told, how they're transmitted, how they're created, and how they outlive the creatures that create them. But his Catholic brain just shit itself the moment I pointed out that the story was from the point of view of a sperm wanting to tear it all fucking down.

What I'm saying is that Soy didn't like specifics because often the specifics wound up conflicting with his specific beliefs. Like most Conservatives (and Comicsgaters and Free Speech Enthusiasts and Racists and Homophobes), they want broad stories so they can ignore any details that go against the things they believe. Because if something in a story points even half-heartedly in the direction of accusing them of being a terrible person, they'll firebomb it, claim it's woke bullshit, and go running into their safe space man cave.

Oh shit! It's this fucker that caused things to slide right! I bet he even thought Nigel Farage into existence!

I guess that's the end of "Transfer of Power". There's an epilogue where New Authority go to battle Doctor Krigstein's assassins whom we saw in silhouette an issue or two ago. But I think that's just to tie up that loose end since nothing really came of it. It looks like he created more gender-swapped versions of The Authority with a Jill Hawksmoor and a Woodpecker (male Swift) and an Aphrodite. But that's just a splash page and then the story ends with Colonel all, "I love this job!" I hope he loves it as much when The Authority and/or Seth destroy him next issue.

The Authority #26 Rating: B+. It was fine! Who doesn't want to see the day saved by homophobia?! I mean, in a normal comic book, it would seem weird. But this is the Anti-Authority comic book where the opposite of the usual takes place. Like how Swift is boring and I constantly forget about her in the main book but Rush is exciting and I can't stop picturing her fresh out of the shower in this book! Such opposite dynamics! Also Midnighter loves cock in the regular book but he hates cock so much in this book that Last Call has probably never washed his junk or wiped his ass in thirty-two years. I find it weird when people think touching their own parts is somehow gay. The sexiest thing I can think of is my own penis! If I could only shove it up my own ass, boy oh boy! What a world this would be! And I . . . LIKE . . . WOMEN!!

The Authority #25 (October 2001)

"No Homo!"

It has previously been established that Last Call shouts his name when he murders somebody by punching them in the face. It's also been established that he's completely terrified that somebody might think he's gay. So I've solved his problems by renaming him No Homo! Now whenever he murders a man by touching that man in a way that might cause some homophobes to think, "Ew! That man just touched another man!", he can scream, "No Homo!" and they'll think, "Oh, okay! I was unclear whether or not that was homosexual. I may have been distracted by how much my butthole itches because I'm too straight to wipe. The butt is the gay place!"

Last Call attacks a Space Asian who melts all over him and they both disappear into the Æther. Teuton distracts the rest of the space fleet by flying them to the jungles of some South American nation where their attack on Earth will help New Authority kill a bunch of drug runners. The rest of New Authority head back to The Carrier to discuss how much trouble they're in since they've discovered the Space Asians and the Poverty Bomb are their fault. They dumped the refugees in Re-Space and now they've Re-turned to get Re-venge. The Colonel gets pissed off when it's evident that he's the one who's going to get blamed since he's in charge. He also gets scared because punishment by his government masters comes in the form of a meeting with Hillbilly Assassin, Seth. And that guy doesn't just murder people. He also ejaculates himself inside people so he can explode out of their nether orifices. Sometimes he fucks and eats them and shits them out before fucking and eating them again.

Last Call finds himself caged in Re-Space where he gets a lesson on how it all works and why the attack on Earth happened so suddenly after dumping the bodies.

That's a lot of word to say, "We're going to fuck you the way you fucked us."

Speaking of fucking, this Re-Spaced Southeast Asian Refugee discovers Last Call's worst fear: being homosexual. So he's all, "I can think you homosexual and then you'll be homosexual and you'll just love dick so much!" And Last Call is all, "*drool drool drool*"

I don't know if the drool is from the ball gag in his mouth or the thought of what it will soon be replaced with. Dick. It's going to be replaced with dicks.

If Last Call had learned anything about psychic defenses, he could have fooled the Re-Space guy into thinking his worst fear was butt sex with a hot woman! Then the guy would have been, "Ha ha! I can imagine you having loads of butt sex with hot women for all eternity!" Then Last Call would have died from jizzing so hard at the thought. So maybe it's good he didn't have any psychic preparations for this attack.

I'm not going to discuss the issue with making Last Call gay as punishment because it's not like this guy is all, "Being gay is a punishment for everybody!" He's just all, "Being gay would be a punishment for you and I fucking can't stand you so now you're gay, sir."

Chaplain Action kicks Colonel's ass hard enough to make him understand that he needs to lead New Authority and they need to save the world. So they all buck up and head into Re-Space to re-murder the re-fugees they re-cently re-moved from The Carrier. They descend on the Space Asians who immediately unthink them out of existence. They then re-think up The Authority and they're back to life!

Couldn't they have at least have re-placed Swift with Rush?

How does Jenny Sparks know she missed anything? Does she remember dying? Shouldn't she be overwhelmed by confusion?

The Authority #25 Rating: B-. Hopefully this isn't how The Authority return to their world. It would be a major cop-out when obviously Mark Millar had something planned for his four part story before Frank Quitely quit. Especially since Jenny Quantum survived somewhere on Earth after Midnighter escaped with her and hid her. What would happen if the Spirit of the 20th Century and the Spirit of the 21st Century co-existed?! Plus Jack Hawksmoor was inside Seth's torso and I was really looking forward to Jack kicking Seth's spine out of him from the inside.

The Authority #24 (September 2001)

The Authority. The Monarchy. Now The Establishment? Will next issue introduce The Hall Monitors?

P.S. for the last review: So I read the letters page and it explained why The Authority was delayed from March to August. Frank Quitely quit. He got a better offer and possibly was exhausted from drawing so many decapitations. The new artist chosen to replace Frank Quitely, Arthur Adams, had some shit he had to finish up. And since the story was at a place where a New Authority had just appeared, everybody got the great idea to just throw in a story where they were the main characters. I don't know how anything works but I guess eight months was finally enough time to get the story, "Brave New World", back on track. So that's that story. Here's another one:

After Issue #29, Garth Ennis was meant to take over The Authority. And after that, Brian Azzarello. But it never happened and now those runs of The Authority only exist in Sandman's library. Maybe I'll try to read them in my sleep over the next few months so I can do reviews of them.

This issue begins with New Authority being led in prayer by Pope Ultimate Nick Fury. That's when I, being far less astute than the average comic book reader, realize each member of New Authority are nationals of each of the seven countries in Wildstorm Earth's G7 nations: Colonel from the United Kingdom, Machine from Japan, Streets from the United States of America, my girlfriend Rush from Canada, The Surgeon from France, Teuton from duh, and Last Call from Italy. Last Call is heterosexual, by the way. He mentions his girlfriend every chance he gets. I'm surprised he didn't take the name No Homo.

Machine, you foul temptress! Your ass will not make me forget my girl Machine! I mean Rush!

New Authority uses religion the same way Republicans use it: as camouflage for gullible jerks and/or selfish bastards who know better but appreciate the flimsy appearance of religiosity. I suspect that the reason Conservatives love the term "virtue signaler" so much is that all they do is virtue signal. They pay lip service to patriotism and faith to cloak their actual despicable selves. Knowing that all they do is virtue signal by wearing a cross, saying a prayer, and hanging an American flag in front of their house, they suspect that anybody who actually fucking cares about others and shows any signs of compassion must be doing it, like them, for show. We all know they don't understand comprehension of language so forget thinking they can ever rationally deconstruct anything correctly. It's why they're constantly telling on themselves by accusing others of doing what they do. It's probably because they don't read many books (and by "books", I don't mean self-help shit or get rich quick fuckery or The Bible (although The Bible is well worth the read, especially if you want to understand 95% of all Western Civilization literature (and that's the only reason to read it, really))).

Action Chaplain calls Last Call and Teuton aside to let them know that he's always available to talk about, well, you know.

Since he's so fucking touchy about it, he really should think about changing the name to No Homo.

It turns out it wasn't just Washington, DC, that got hit with the Poverty Ray. Every place else in the world was also hit. But only the top 1% of earners have been turned into poor refugees. New Authority steals food and supplies from humanitarian efforts in starving nations to redirect them to the now starving and poor rich folks. The problem with The Authority was that they wanted to make the world a better place for everybody. New Authority has fixed that and they're ready to make the world a better place for the people who already have everything better. Which, if you're able to comprehend anything at all, means making the world a worse place for those who already have it worse.

Sound familiar, you fucking Trump voting morons? Oh no! Did I call you a moron? I must be an elite! And now I've forced you to dig in and be an even worse person than you already were because I pointed out how terrible and dumb you already are! Although, why do you care if people can't stand you for trying to make the world worse for so Others? Why do you need to be liked by the people you despise? What's wrong with your mental health, my friend? If you want to be liked, there's a really fucking easy way to get that. Don't be an asshole. It's really pretty easy! Hey, I wrote a poem about it! Maybe you can benefit from my amazing poetry!

—————

Clubs
By Grunion Guy

I joined a club called "Fuck You, White Power Bitches"
It was a pretty easy club to join
It didn't cost me anything and I don't have to pay any yearly dues
Sometimes I have to speak up
So that, you know, white power bitches know I think they should go fuck themselves
But that's not too hard
It's even fun most of the time

The interesting thing about this club is that it accepts members from all sorts of other clubs
You can be both a member of the "Republican Club" and "Fuck You, White Power Bitches," if you want
I only mention that because it doesn't seem a lot of people in the "Republican Club" realize it
They seem to have a problem with the uncivil "Fuck You" part of the club title
When they should have a problem with the "White Power" people the club wants to go fuck themselves

I'm also well aware that some people have a problem with the "Bitches" part of the club title
But I'm part of the club "I Like Saying Bitches So I Refuse To Stop Saying It"
Even though it would cost me practically nothing to stop saying the word "bitches"
It's like how in high school in the 80s, I used to use "faggot" as a swear word
(Probably influenced greatly by Mark Knopfler's use of the word by his blue collar, computer animated characters singing "Money For Nothing")
Until one day, I finally realized how fucked up that was and, whether I meant it or not,
I was making the world a worse place by using that word when I could easily just be saying "shit"
Even members of "I Like Saying Bitches So I Refuse To Stop Saying It" are allowed to be a part of "Fuck You, White Power Dickheads"

You know what?
I just decided to stop saying "bitches" because I thought about it for like half a second and realized it still costs me nothing to try and be a better person to my fellow human beings
When you think about it, it actually costs less to stop saying "bitches" than to have to say, "I'm using it in a non-derogatory fashion because language is fluid and shouldn't be a person-sized saddle we've strapped to our own backs but a tool we can rationally and systematically change over time" every single time that somebody within earshot hears it and looks at you horrified
It's much easier to not say it than to get into a debate about free speech with everybody you offend after using it
And pretty soon, you just stop using it which lowers the amount of systemic bias towards women by a small but not inconsequential amount

It's like every time you refer to a large black man as intimidating
You're increasing the systemic bias toward the belief that large black men are dangerous
You're actively making the world a more dangerous place for large black men
No matter how many people you assure that you were just making a dumb joke

You know what's even easier than not saying a hurtful word or continuing a harmful stereotype?
Decrying white power
It's actually much more work to have to explain why you won't extricate yourself from ties to white power every time you wind up publicly embracing some tenet of white power

I suppose I can understand how much you love trolling the Libtards with your 4Chan nonsense
It can be hard to give up things that make you laugh, like making up white power signs and then flashing them constantly
Afterward, you get to laugh at all the libs you owned by making them think you're a white supremacist
Because you acted like a white supremacist in public
Which is so funny because did they think you were serious? How dumb are they?!
Acting like a white supremacist and causing oppressed and under-represented people to feel intimidated by your actions isn't actual white supremacy!
I mean, it's the definition of it, I suppose
But if you think about it at all for any length of time, it was a joke!
Stop being so hurt by casual, jokey racism, you free speech haters
Is probably what you're typing right now on your Reddit board and your Twitter feed

Anyway, I have to get to my "Fuck You, White Power Dickheads" club meeting now
It's not a scheduled meeting, really
It's just me going outside my front door
And making the world a better place for everybody
Fuck you, white power dickheads.

—————

Um, anyway, Colonel is all, "Don't be too quick about figuring out how to return the 1% because they suck and if we're lucky, Seth was turned into a refugee as well." Actually he doesn't say the bit about Seth but he should probably be thinking it. Why not kill Seth now when he's been transformed so they don't have to worry about the G7 eventually sending Seth after them? They can run the fucking world themselves if they take out Seth!

It's about time somebody had the balls to say it!

Remember that old guy, Doctor Jacob Krigstein? He's the Jack Kirby insert but instead of creating comic book heroes, he creates actual heroes (who are comic book heroes to you and me so, well, let's not delve too deeply here. I don't want to have to battle some Derrida-esque Balrog). The Authority hired him so that he'd stop destroying the world but the reader never saw how The Authority utilized him. Whatever he was doing, it's interrupted by his realization that Marvel continues to hold the copyright on all of his characters and continue to use them for their own ends, raking in the money while doing so. Oh, did I say Marvel? I meant the United States of America. He's especially upset by their creation of the New Authority even though he had nothing to do with the original Authority. That was all Henry Bendix, wasn't it? Anyway, Doctor Krigstein is still creating because he's dreamed up seven new characters to kick the shit out of New Authority. I won't scan in the picture because it wouldn't be any use. When they're revealed, they're all in silhouette. One of them is smoking though so maybe a new Jenny Sparks? Two of them aren't fucking though so they may or may not be a new Apollo and a new Midnighter.

Have I mentioned that Teuton cries at the drop of a dead Southeastern Asian (and anything else that can be dropped, apparently)? Last Call can't stand it because he thinks the public will think a man who can show his emotions must be gay and that, by association, they'll think he's gay too. Last Call's really fucking insecure, isn't he? The two of them are in Beverly Hills helping feed the new poorly rich when a bunch of spaceships fly through a Door (a blue door and not a yellow door so not from The Carrier) and begin burning everything in sight. Teuton tears open the cockpit of one to see who's taking advantage of the reverse rich pandemic to attack Earth.

Why not Space Asians?

Oh boy. Looks like dumping the refugees into The Bleed's really coming back to bite New Authority in the ass. Last Call's going to be really uncomfortable about that description of their fucking around and finding out. Hmm, he might not like that description either. If I were Last Call, I would be taking publicity pictures of me licking Teuton's balls based on the amount of money they're being paid to do this gig. They haven't actually said how much it is but even if it's only thirty ground, get those balls in my mouth!

I'm starting to think maybe I just want some balls in my mouth.

Streets and The Surgeon have a brief discussion about the Vietnam War (being that Streets is American and The Surgeon is French) and it's some really good chatter because I know a lot of Americans that would be butthurt by this kind of talk.

Ha ha! Losers.

Growing up in the '70s and '80s, basically in the shadow of the Vietnam War, it was always weird to hear people constantly talk about how America had never lost a war, and how great America was at defending the world, and how little discussion of how imperialist the USA was and how they wielded their power for so many reasons beyond that of "the good of the world" that I couldn't help but be constantly confused. If America was so great and honorable and good, what's up with Vietnam? Why is everybody ignoring this thing that we did and this war that we lost and the terrible fucking atrocities our country gets up to? Was everybody just trying to memory hole it because it actively argued against the United States being the greatest country? The first time I realized there were people out there who weren't confused and who knew what the fuck was what the fuck, I was standing in line at Togo's on Lafayette and Benton in Santa Clara, California. I don't remember the exact book I was reading but it was Kurt Vonnegut. And he was discussing how America had lost the Vietnam War. There was then, as I remember it, a break in the text like this:

* * * * * * * * * * *

Losers.

* * * * * * * * * * *

God how I laughed! It was just such a stark and simply stated version of what everybody constantly seemed to be denying. It's not that people around me didn't mention Vietnam, or sometimes discuss it. My father had fought in Vietnam (although that didn't help me understand it being that he left when I was two and never really talked about it). There were documentaries about it. Obviously while it happened (I was not alive for most of it and a baby when America fled Saigon), it was criticized and protested against and all-around a really fucking bad look for the country. But it seemed as the dust settled, the people who never really thought of it as a bad thing anyway took the stage, swept all the unpleasantness under the rug, and went back to normal "America is the greatest country" bullshit that the weirdest, most uncritical, and worst people of every generation (so, you know, Reaganites) want to be the narrative. Reading Vonnegut just outright take a moment to call the United States of America losers was a saving moment for my sanity. There were people who didn't flee from reality. They spoke the truth of things in simple ways. I kept reading Vonnegut and he rarely disappointed. I've been re-reading him lately and, in the way people who tell the Truth during their time always manage to nail, everything he says remains true or gets even more true with time. He writes with a clarity of vision that makes it impossible for people who label themselves Conservative today to ever actually enjoy his writing. If I ever meet a Conservative who proclaims Kurt Vonnegut is their favorite writer, or Star Trek: The Next Generation is their favorite television show, I'll simply call them a liar and be done with them.

Back to the comic book, Machine realizes the ships attacking Earth are from the area of The Bleed where they dropped off the refugees (a place called "Re-Space". I've just been calling it The Bleed in a general sense because "Re-Space" was fucking stupid and a total throw away "Look at the weird space The Carrier is currently flying!" line.

The Authority #24 Rating: B. It took these idiots long enough to realize that they caused all this. First everybody turns into Southeast Asian refugees and they go, "What caused this?" Then they realize it's the top 1% who have turned into refugees and they're all, "This will help us hide that thing we did to the refugees until we can figure out a good lie to cover our idiocy!" And then Earth is attacked by Southeast Asians in battle ships and they're all, "Weird. Space Asians!" But finally Machine is all, "Oh, those ships are from the same place we dumped the bodies. What a coincidence!" But then Colonel is all, "Oh shit." Seth gonna turn them into Fuck Doll Dessert.

Detective Comics #957

Let's all read a bad comic! Let's all read a bad comic! Let's all read a bad comic! And curse James Tynion V!

That wasn't a typo in the caption. I'm like the Old Testament God. I never fucking waste my time cursing the person who did the terrible thing. Who wants to punish the person who deserves the punishment? No, better to curse the descendants of the jerko who looked at his father naked and drunk, or the jerko who ate the fruit God was saving for himself? I'd rather curse James Tynion's future child. And being that he'll be named James Tynion V, my guess is that the curse will manifest in many, many schoolyard beatings.

Today, I read Action Comics #980 and thought, "Was this written by a robot that has no knowledge of anything past 1986?" Then I read Hal Jordan and the Green Lantern Corps #21 and thought, "I totally called that Sarko was Kyle and Soranik's child. I am the greatest comic book reader that ever lived! Is that something that people actually aspire too? Has anybody else that has ever aspired to that been less pretentious than me? I don't mean arrogant! Obviously I'm arrogant since I'm constantly pointing out how I guessed the plot like three pages into the first part of every six part story. But I'm not writing comic books reviews that make me seem like the smartest person on Earth. Quite the opposite, actually!" That was a pretty long thought! I usually don't let them get that long before I lose interest. But later, I had another thought about Hal Jordan and the Green Lantern Corps #21! It went like this: "Why is Kyle so fucking sad that his child from a future that will now never happen was killed? Does he cry about every dying sperm whenever he ejaculates outside of a vagina?"

After that, I began reading Detective Comics #957 and I thought, "This is so terrible that I have to express myself!" So I farted onto the comic book. Then I thought, "Oh wait! I have an even better way to express myself! I'll go online!" Then a chorus of angels descended and sang Leonard Cohen's Hallelujah while I retreated to find a flyswatter.

Some of you may not have noticed the trend to portray Batman as complete and utter asshole who does everything wrong because he's ultimately a symbol of the patriarchy. He's been in control of Gotham for far too long and certain mediocre writers (whom I won't name IV!) have decided it's time to make him look bad. Now I've never been a huge Batman fan but I'm still going to try to defend him from the terrible way he's currently being portrayed in this comic book.

This issue begins with Spoiler, a youth (that's important to the story because youths never know as much as they think they know! Oh, sure! They'll argue with me about that and tell me I'm a huge asshole but someday in their mid-thirties while texting their mother an eggplant emoji, they'll suddenly think, "Oh my god. Eee! Tess Ate Chai Tea was right! I was such an ignorant jerk! And I probably should have worn stronger deodorant!") who thinks she's figured it all out. So she's going to explain it to the reader.

Before we examine her theory, I'd just like to point out that her theory is predicated on James Tynion IV's knowledge of DC comic book history and how comic books are constantly telling the middle of the story (the origin gets told and retold occasionally and sometimes somebody will get to write a "fantasy" final arc story. But generally, it's a middle arc story). So Spoiler's theory of Batman is entirely unfair and unwarranted. Anybody can point to Batman being a complete failure if they look at the comic book pattern and apply it as if it's actual Gotham history. Joker is caught. Joker escapes. Joker challenges Batman. People die. Joker gets caught. Joker escapes. Joker challenges Batman. People die. Joker is caught. Between each "Joker is caught and escapes episode," we get the same arcs but with Penguin or Two-Face or The Riddler. So before Spoiler tells us readers what we already know, I just wanted to point out that it's meta-bullshit that Batman cannot be blamed for. Unless you're a writer with a grudge against the Patriarchy. I mean Batman! Who doesn't have a grudge against the Patriarchy, amirite?! Fucking dudes, man! Pshaw!

Anyway, Spoiler believes every thing is Batman's fault because he's fighting crime all wrong. See, he has become so adept at stopping crime the criminals now think they have to battle Batman first to prove that Gotham City is theirs. Not only is this a stupid theory that assumes all of the villains are delusional idiots who think they're going to beat Batman, it also relies on years of lazy writers completely fucking up the idea of superheroes. Of course Batman is to blame if every single lazy writer has decided that the bad guy isn't going to do anything except try to get revenge on Batman. But again, that's not Batman's fault!

Spoiler believes that the Bat-Signal is at the heart of the problem. People see it in the sky, they know Batman is on the job so they stop being responsible for their own lives. I guess Spoiler just believes in a world where everybody is a stupid piece of shit. "Oh! The Bat-Signal! Well, I guess I don't have to worry about my own safety tonight!" I have yet to see The Spoiler that people were so eager to get back into the DC Universe. If this is her, I hate her and everybody who wanted her back.

This right here is at the heart of what's wrong with the modern age of comic books. Superheroes are supposed to be inspiring! They're supposed to save people. Fuck this cynical bullshit where dozens of people die while the hero saves the day after which their relatives become super villains and blame the heroes. Then they attack the heroes and keep the cycle going because writers are lazy and/or think they're being clever by questioning things like "What if Superman had to fight in the real world instead of a stupid made-up world where he saves the day and makes people happy and causes readers to feel better about their lives and the world around them through the hope and inspiration of their actions?"

If I hadn't read so many James Tynion IV stories in which Batman was portrayed as being wrong while his youthful sidekicks all knew what was right and how to do things better, I might just think, "Spoiler will surely learn a lesson here! At the end, she'll be thinking Batman is the bee's knees!" But I'm fairly certain this will end with Spoiler proving something to Batman while Batman eats crow and admits he could probably be a better person. Because that's what the Patriarchy should be doing, right?! Shutting up and listening! Although I don't know how they can shut up and just listen if the shit they have to listen to is akin to the shit coming out of Spoiler's mouth in this comic book.

By declaring she's no longer a superhero, Spoiler decides that her way is better and it'll allow her to save people from becoming innocent victims of Batman's war on crime.

After Spoiler Narration Boxes her speech to whomever the fuck she's speaking, it's time for Wrath to do the same thing! He's also going to explain how Gotham City works and he's going to agree a bit with Spoiler. He agrees that the first thing you have to do as a super villain is to defeat Batman. You can come up with a criminal plan after that!

Wrath is the anti-Batman. He's usually used in Batman comic books to show what Batman could have become if he allowed himself to use the tragedy in his life as an excuse. I bet this time he'll be used to show that there isn't really any difference between Wrath and Batman at all!

Even as I was typing that, I was thinking, "Don't type that! That's such a stupid conclusion to make! There's not way even James Tynion IV would write that story!"

You mean you attempt to solve the hardest problem first and then you spend the next few years in Arkham Asylum wondering why you just didn't rob a bank on Staten Island.

At the beginning of the Wrath scene, he kills one of his own men. Later, he threatens to kill one at random for every minute they go over a deadline he gives them. Who would work for this asshole? The pay and benefits must be unfathomably generous!

So you constantly lose? Because there's no way you got through the level of Arkham Asylum that I grew bored with and quit because you have to be stealthy or you start over! And I'm fairly certain some levels of Thief, even when playing on the "Oops! I've been noticed and have to now murder an entire castle full of guards!" difficulty still forces you to be stealthy on some levels.

That previous caption was where I exceeded my "This comic isn't too bad!" threshold and decided I needed to vent.

Spoiler continues to mention how so many innocents got hurt due to Batman and his Bat-Family stopping crime. She thinks (or Narration Boxes, actually), "Who's there to stop my friends when they go too far?" Um, you could be, you coward. She continues, "To say how many losses are acceptable?" Have you met Batman? Zero losses are acceptable! I mean, you know, in Bat-Theory! If anybody dies, it's not because Batman did something that caused their death. It's because somebody else did something that caused their death and Batman wasn't able to save them. I suppose in the world I described earlier where lazy writers only ever have villains attack Batman directly, you can, if you want to be a dick about it, put the blame on Batman. But once more: that's not Batman's fault! It's the fault of shitty writers!

Spoiler's conclusion is that super heroes brought about super problems. Fuck you, you idiot. This is the worst hot take in comic books and it has continued to hang around for decades. Writers who continue to use this trope should be shunned from the comic book community.

Spoiler is all, "I'm going to use my super training to prove that Gotham doesn't need superheroes!" And Batman will, hopefully, be all, "Fuck you, dummy!"

The last story arc was to show that Cassandra was better than Batman. This one is to show that Spoiler is better than Batman. How is she better? I'm not exactly sure since she takes out Wrath pretty much exactly how Batman would have taken him out. I mean, if Batman were being written by somebody who didn't have a grudge against the Patriarchy. I mean Batman! I suppose Tynion's Batman would have exploded all of the walls and toppled the building with his raging hard-on to battle Wrath and all of the hostages would have died. Afterward, Batman would have been all, "It's a shame that Wrath killed so many and it wasn't my fault at all! I had to stop him by any means necessary!" Which totally isn't a Batman thing to do so I don't actually know how Spoiler thinks her version of stopping Wrath was better than the way Batman, being written honestly, would have done it.

Spoiler's entirely plan is to save the day and let the police take the credit. So she's trusting that the police will be dishonest bastards who lie about their jobs? That's a great message! Anyway, she somehow thinks that if super villains think the cops are stopping all the crime, they won't want to do crime anymore! Especially since — thanks, again, to the lazy writers — all they actually want to do is beat up super heroes. She'll see how stupid her plan is when super villains continue to do whatever they want (even more so!) when they think all the heroes have left Gotham.

Anarchy shows up at the end to be all, "That was great! What a great idea! This story wasn't stupid at all! Spoiler isn't a terrible character with stupid thoughts after all!" That's when I throw up. The end!

Suicide Squad #15

Super-tits?

I understand that people get angry with people who don't vote because they know the people not voting almost certainly wouldn't be voting for the Republican candidate. So that can be frustrating. But the Democratic Party has a problem and it isn't one of the ones everybody thinks it is. The problem is that they offer too many good choices during the primaries. If you have even two candidates that are both intelligent and capable but differ in staggeringly important positions (like the Wall Street thing and the maybe doesn't care enough about minorities thing), you're going to really split your base. And the last thing you want to do before an election against the most ignorant group of people in the world is split your base. Because even people who think they're ethical and smart will simply turn out to be stubborn tantrum throwers who will refuse to support the person who beat the person they were supporting. I mean, I've never seen a 49ers fan rooting for the Seattle Seahawks in the Superbowls after losing to them in the playtimes. The Democratic Party needs to check out what the Republicans do to solve this problem and do that. And what do the Republicans do differently during the Primaries? They offer their base a dozen bland, boring, ignorant jerks who are all basically the same old stodgy white male who can only spout talking points about being anti-abortion and anti-taxes and pro-xenophobia and pro-euphemisms for racism. They're all pretty much the same and none of them are ever leadership material. The Republican Party just needs a fuck puppet who can sign their name while sucking corporate dick. That isn't as easy as it sounds! You can't really work the shaft properly or caress the balls if you're fiddling with a pen. This lineup of mediocre vanilla pudding ensures that nobody in the base will be too angry when their pick drops out. This is why the Republicans were turning against Trump before they realized he won and had to hide the boners in their pants. They were worried that the Republican pick would finally alienate some of their base and that those people would realize that Fox News is a big bag of lies and Hillary was actually a pretty good choice for Republicans (especially over Trump). Sure, maybe they'd have to suck it up and actually vote for a woman. And maybe they'd have to look a little closer at Fox News and possibly realize that it's Red America's state propaganda channel. In the end, it was just easier to keep doing what they've always done forever: just get your ass in the booth and vote for the Republican candidate because that's easier than thinking. Plus abortion! Yeegads! Spook diddly doo! Gotta keep it from getting our precious kids! Oh, and we'll need all the guns for that, especially the automatics! Plus, have you seen how hard my erection gets while firing one of these things?! I just have to concentrate so I don't Onan all over my jeans and make God angry.

I don't know why Republicans are so against abortion. Don't they all believe that liberal commie leftists are the only ones to get abortions? That means they're destroying their own base, one fetus at a time! Or maybe they all believe Family Ties was real and that every aborted liberal baby would have been the next Alex P. Keaton.

I just need to remind people that Donald Trump is an embarrassment and everybody who voted for him an ignorant twat. Also Bernie Bros who refused to vote for Hillary because emails and Wall Street? Samesies. I voted for Bernie in the primary because I've liked him for a long time. I voted for Hillary in the presidential election because she was possibly the most experienced and capable politician to run for president in my lifetime.

The Review!
As I've pointed out before, Amanda Waller is currently skinny because John Romita Jr. can't draw fat women.

Not that he can draw any body type particularly well.

Now that Amanda has appeared to yell, "Surprise! Everything is different than you thought it was, Rustam!", Katana slips out of her bonds and chops Deadshot's hand off. That's okay. He probably wasn't using his left hand too much anyway. Except probably to masturbate. That might seem improbable but I'm right-handed and I masturbate with my left hand. I switched up decades ago when I was still a teenager because I was masturbating so much that my penis was curving to one side. I had to even it out! Eventually, I just got used to using my left! Plus, it's much sexier this way.

Guess what? Harley Quinn also isn't dead! I know, right?! What the hell! Suicide Squad? More like Cozy Time Fun Blast Squad. I bet Hack didn't die either! And I bet Deadshot's cut off arm was one of those fake plastic Halloween ones that my creepy uncle pretends he's wearing when he touches all the cute young mother's butts.

The Burning World Buddies realize maybe they should be named the Suicide Squad as Captain Boomerang cuts off Ravan's head and Killer Croc begins to eat Manticore and Enchantress casts a death spell on Jinn. Or Djinn? Whatever.

Finally, Deadshot shoots Rustam in the back because Deadshot always works for Amanda Waller. He works for her so hard that he's willing to have a hand cut off while doing it. It was obvious he was still with the Squad or else Katana would have cut off his right hand. Even for Deadshot, it's tough to make accurate shots with his left wrist pistol when he can only look out of the scope visor over his right eye.

In the end, it turns out Amanda was controlling everything the whole time, just like everybody reading this knew. So obvious. I was just joking when I kept repeating that Amanda Waller was really dead. I never actually believed it for once! No, really! I didn't! I just said it for laughs! Seriously! Why won't you believe me?! I'm a Grandmaster Comic Book Reader, dammit!

Later, Amanda checks out Hack's body down in the morgue so she can say a thing she's never said since The New 52 began.

If by "some," you mean "a few Man-bats here and there," then sure, I guess.

Deadshot gets a new metal arm because it's cool and shit. Plus he gets to see his daughter and spend a weekend on the coast with her. Apparently the only way to get Amanda Waller to play nice is if you open a fucking vein for her.

Amanda Waller explains the magic of how she made it look like she died in the second story. It's the usual stuff, magic and assassins. Plus she explains that the president has given her permission to use General Zod in her Suicide Squad. Because why not? Nothing can go wrong there as long as she's got a little Kryptonite in her back pocket, right?

The Ranking!
No change! I totally don't believe Hack is dead! Fool me once, shame on you! Fool me twice, shame on you! Fool me three times, shame on you! Fool me four times, shame on you! Fool me five times, shame on you! Fool me six times, shame on you! Fool me seven times, shame on you! Fool me eight times, shame on you! Fool me nine times, shame on me!

Suicide Squad #14

Is that a wooden stake bullet for hunting vampires?

The Review!
I'm not really interested in spending a lot of time on this comic book, mostly because it means looking at John Romita Jr's art. Although the story hasn't been helping either, not being in any way gripping and in only tiny ways interesting. Rustam's Burning World Buddies (formerly known as the Jihad) have decided to go from world capital to world capital burning them to the ground. While they're doing that, Harley Quinn has decided to burn the Burning World Buddies' world to the ground because Hack has been killed and they probably did it. I mean, who else could have done it? I know Captain Boomerang did it! But he probably didn't want to seeing as how he's crying in his Fosters right now.

After all the DC reboots, the Jihad still work out of the same building. Oh, sorry! The Burning World Buddies!

As Harley arrives in Qurac, the Burning World Buddies step out of a portal right behind her. She fights them to show she has heart or ideals or something. Deadshot shoots her in the stomach and the first half of the comic book ends. I bet she's really dead now too! Just like Hack and Amanda! None of them are fake dead due to some crazy plan to expose the spy and capture Rustam at all!

The second half of the comic shows what the other members of the Squad are doing while Harley is begging them all to go on her revenge trip to Qurac. Boomerang, Croc, and Enchantress all agree and head over to help out. They get there right after Harley is shot by Deadshot. But the Burning World Buddies aren't too concerned about them. They're busy being worried about Amanda Waller stepping out of a sand storm.

WHAT?! Amanda Waller is alive?! But she died! She totally died and was dead and everybody totally bought it and everything! This is too big a surprise to believe! Next month I'll probably learn that Harley didn't really get shot by Deadshot because Deadshot has been working with the Squad this whole time! And we'll learn that Hack survived being stabbed by Boomerang using her ability to go digital! And I bet even all the Man-Bats that died in China aren't really fucking dead either! Stupid Suicide Squad. Change your dumb name already!

The Ranking!
-1! Can't somebody in this stupid comic book stay dead? So stupid. The stupidest!

Suicide Squad #13

I wish John Romita Jr. had never followed in his father's footsteps.

Katana and Rick Flag have become prisoners of Rustam. He's decided that since he was once betrayed by an employer, all employers must die and all employees set free. I don't have a problem with that. I once had a manager who cried during a salary review meeting because I wasn't her friend. I didn't get a raise. I also quit a few weeks later and while I didn't go around the world decapitating guards of prisons (why would I? Aren't they the same kinds of people who need to be set free? Rustam is a dick) and setting loose all of the criminals of the world, I have never worked for an actual employer ever again. Fuck the system. Fuck job creators. Fuck everybody except myself. Why would I want to work for companies where the CEOs look at me as if I'm a parasite and not part of the backbone of their company? I hope Rustam destroys them all!

I have a feeling a lot of people over the years have called Romita's artwork "dynamic."

That was a criticism that also cuts Rob Liefeld! Also, it's probably not a fair criticism of Romita, especially in regards to that panel. That panel is mostly fine and, quite often, Romita's art isn't even dynamic. It usually looks like he maps the scene out on graph paper and then replaces most of the ninety degree corners with slight curves. The only reason I scanned in this panel and not the terrible artwork of the first page is because I don't understand how Deadshot sees through the scope on that helmet unless he's got some kind of chameleon eye.

Rob Williams writing isn't currently doing anything for me now either. I suppose if it were, I'd look past the problem I have with Romita's work. I certainly didn't feel the need to complain (much) while reading Kick Ass.

Harcourt (the new white, skinny Waller) decides to send Croc in to break up the fight. But Croc just treats it as an excuse to remind the readers that he eats the flesh of people. That's basically his character these days. He eats guards regularly and wants to fuck Enchantress. Croc only makes the situation worse so Harcourt uses the brain bombs to stop the aggression. I suppose she could have done that initially but then she wouldn't have been able to push Croc around.

Going from twenty to eleven is not turning it up, dum-dum. You should either have said, "Brain bomb at 2. Don't make me turn it up to 11," or "Brain bomb at twenty percent. Don't make me turn it up to 110%." You need to be exceedingly clear when dealing with these savvy criminal types!

Deadshot admits to killing Waller for Rustam in exchange for his own freedom. It's almost certainly not part of a bigger plan to catch Rustam at all. Waller is dead. You must learn to live with this one, actual comic book death, the first in the pages of Suicide Squad since The New 52 began. I mean, I guess Lime of Lemon and Lime fame died. And Yo Yo died without coming back (the second time! He did survive the first death of being eaten by King Shark). And a bunch of Man-bats died. And that one guy who died immediately in The New 52 but then came back and then maybe died again and then came back but then his head blew up because he was resurrected too many times? Maybe that guy counts too. So that's three (maybe?) and a few Man-Bats in six years? Not good enough, Suicide Squad. I think the Justice League has suffered more losses than that!

After the super surprising revelation that Deadshot killed Waller while working for Rustam, the Jihad...er, I mean, the Burning World Buddies make their assault on Belle Reve. Djinn enters the system to steal all of Amanda Waller's files she uses to blackmail everybody in the world. She must have purchased them from All Star Batman's Two-face. He knows everybody's dirty little secrets because he's such an amazing district attorney. Those guys are fantastic at digging up dirt to put people away unless those people are dirty cops and then they don't try to convict them at all because working against the police would destroy the career of a district attorney who needs them on his side to do his job well. And even though you'd think good cops would want to prosecute corrupt cops, it seemingly doesn't ever work that way at all.

Anally fisting an antagonist seems like a slightly over-the-top way of stopping them.

Djinn unencrypts the files the Suicide Squad stole from The People and Hack gets a good look at them. Instead of saying whatever she discovered, she spends the time she has before she's cut off declaring how she now knows the thing that she probably needs to tell the others but didn't have time because she had to let them know she knew it first. I guess I'm supposed to be on the edge of my seat now? What is it?! What did you discover, Hack?! Oh my goodness! This tense excitement could only be better if it had been caused by Hack actually revealing something exciting instead of just teasing that she knows something exciting!

The thing she's most excited about (since she couldn't reveal the Annihilation Brigade's current location or who she finally knows whatever) is that the brain bombs have been deactivated. That means Harcourt can't turn them up to 11! It also means Deadshot gets to escape with Rustam. And also that the first part of the story is over.

This comic is still split up into two stories even though the second half now continues the current story. I guess when you're an artist like Jim Lee or John Romita Jr, you can't make monthly deadlines because you're so busy scribbling lines all over your finished art.

Do we? I think if you're asking that question, you're the villain. I know the time I was rescuing all of those orphans from the burning building, I didn't think, "Am I the hero? Or the villain?" But when I was setting the orphanage on fire, I was definitely asking that.

I'm not sure if Rob Williams knows how prisons work but he seems to think that if you blow a hole in one of the walls, every prisoner in the prison can get out. It happened at Blackgate and now it's happening at Belle Reve.

Since the brain bombs have been turned off, Croc heads back into the swamp and Digger takes off. June, Hack, and Harley head into a swamp pub to talk about relationships. Because that's what girls talk about, right?

Even though Hack said, in the last part of the story, "I finally know who...," it didn't mean she discovered who The People's spy was in the Suicide Squad. You would think that's what she meant. But it wasn't. Because after Harley calls her a hero, she has to go back to Belle Reve to figure out who it was. Now, she could have figured it out the way she usually does her thing. She could have turned digital and found the information that way. But if she did that, how could this have happened?

Whoops! Also, if you're keeping count, that's two out of the last three issues that ended with a black female being killed. Double whoops!

And they're both definitely dead! Definitely. No way either one can still be alive. Kaput!

The Ranking!
No change! Things really change fast! For a second there, I thought I was enjoying this comic book. Now there's nothing about it I like! Kay Sarah, Kay Sarah!

Suicide Squad #12

Harley's head could fit down Deadshot's throat! Sexy!

Last issue ended with Amanda shot in a dark alley by a man wielding two pistols. This issue begins with Amanda (skinny because John Romita Jr. can't draw fat people) rushed to a hospital with a single gunshot wound to the chest. Two pistols and the assassin only managed one hit? I bet it the assassin was Deadborn.

Does anybody else remember Deadborn? Every time I want to bring him up, I call him Stillborn before doing a little research on my own blog to remember his real name. If you're wondering, "Who the fuck comes up with the name Deadborn?", I can only give you one answer. Luckily it's an answer that will completely clear up the confusion: Rob Liefeld.

While Amanda is dying, she's Narration Boxing some really lucid shit that, while lucid, doesn't really make a lot of sense. She's all, "These doctors could save my life if they had the time! But I'm not going to give them the time! Because I should die! It's a good thing I set up these protocols to make sure that if I'm shot in a dark alley without anybody knowing, the protocols could totally kick in and some armed guards would appear at the nearest hospital to keep the doctors from saving me! Winner!" Then I guess she dies. Probably.

Rustam is busy not being able to get over Amanda's betrayal. So he's decided to break into Blackgate. He's got help from Djinn, so it looks like he's getting the old team together. That team is the Jihad. They're totally not in any way associated with Islam! They're from the country of Qurac which is, granted, located in the Middle East. But the residents of Qurac are terrorist assholes based on no religion at all. They're just made up terrorist assholes that DC can use so that people don't get all over their dick about stereotyping. "It's Qurac! A nation where only evil people live! Duh! Get off my dick!" is the kind of thing they probably say a lot.

I wonder what it's like to ink John Romita Jr.'s pencils? I wonder if the inker is constantly thinking, "I could really tighten this up. Or improve this. Or really fucking make this look like somebody with talent drew it. But you know what? I don't get paid that much." I wish Richard Friend would send me an anonymous message detailing what it feels like to get John Romita Jr. pages in the mail. He could stay anonymous! I would just say "A little friend told me...wink wink!"

The other side of the screen is the back of Harcourt's head! Ah ha ha! Oh, Johnny. You are terrible.

Amanda Waller allows herself to die. I guess so she can come back as Deadwoman? It's not going to work as well as Deadman since she's dying topless on a surgeon's table. She won't be approved for anything but mature content comic books.

When the Suicide Squad arrives at Blackgate to stop the Jihad, Rustam reveals that he's come up with a new name for the team because, well, you know why. His team is now called The Burning World and doesn't make me think of radical Islamic terrorists at all! It puts me more in mind of Midnight Oil.

Rustam figures he'd better reintroduce his Jihad...er, sorry...his Burning World buddies to this Suicide Squad since only Flag, Deadshot, Enchantress, and Boomerang remember any of them. So, really, most of this Squad remembers them.

First up is Manticore, a genetically modified man with a lion's head and the inability to come up with clever retorts! RRRAAAR! Word to your mother!

Manticore can turn into a spirit tiger? Why a tiger when he has the head of a lion?! This makes all kinds of no sense at all!

Second up is Jaculi, a speedster who throws javelins. DC has opted to go with the male Jaculi. I guess otherwise she would have been held in Blackgate's Women's Annex?

Third up is Ravan. He's kind of boring. I think he was just Deadshot's nemesis which means he's good with guns. You know how evil super villain teams work! They always have to be weird mirrors to the team they're fighting. If you're thinking, "Then why a speedster with Jaculi?", you're obviously not a real fangender! Fake fangender! Fake Fangender! You should totally know that Captain Boomerang's nemeses are always speedsters because it continues the theme of nothing ever making any sense in comic books. Ever.

The Burning World Buddies defeat the Squad and send Katana and Rick Flag through a portal into the unknown (I bet that will be the story in the second half!). Djinn picks up a message over the Internet or radio or whatever the fuck he's tuned into that Amanda Waller has died. So Burning World Buddies decide enough's enough for now and they take off. But they explain their plan: all prisoners everywhere shall be free forever! What a radical concept! I suppose he doesn't care if they're recaptured, right? I mean, how many times do you have to save some idiot before he starts taking responsibility for saving himself? Or herself, of course! I don't want to not include women in my blanket "idiot" statement.

The back-up story is Amanda's funeral because she's totally dead. No question about it. Gone. Forever. Stop doubting it, doubter!

Or keep doubting? What do I care? Even Harcourt is doubting even though she identified the body. Something fishy is going on and she's going to find out what!

Harcourt is terrible at her job. A bullet to the heart is not Rustam's M.O. That would be decapitation.

Harley and Hack do some detective work before they come up with the person who has the actual obvious M.O.: Deadshot! Duh! Also, Waller is dead. Absolutely dead. Never coming back. Done. No longer a part of the Suicide Squad. Don't even think it's some kind of trick. What do you think you are? Some kind of Grandmaster Comic Book Reader? I'm telling you she's dead!

The Ranking!
No change!

Odyssey of the Amazons #2

Ostensibly, this is a book about building Amazon diversity but my male gaze suspects a different agenda.

• The above caption was my reining it in caption! My initial caption was all about double penetration and penis envy.

• The Narrator of this comic book is fucking mentally unhinged. Not in a "I'm going to scoop out my neighbor's insides and make them into a delicious pudding" unhinged. More like "I'm going to use as many words as I can think of and mash them together into sentences that make enough sense that an editor will just wave impatiently at me and mutter 'Good enough!'" The Narrator makes the kinds of statements that most people reading comic books won't think twice about. Why question words when there are big breasted women in scanty clothes who bend over a lot while fighting? But for a picky asshole like me who loves to point out the flaws in other people so that I feel better about myself, the Narrator is driving me up the fucking wall.

So a troll will eat anything that screams when devoured alive. How does it know the meal will scream when devoured alive until it tries devouring it alive? If the presumed meal doesn't scream, does the troll spit it out?

• I wouldn't mind so much if the caption used the preposition "or" instead of "and". But now I imagine a troll sees something breathing and is all, "Might be food!" Then it stabs it and sees that it bleeds and its stomach rumbles and it thinks, "Oh yeah! Belly here it comes!" Then it begins eating the still alive thing which doesn't scream so the troll spits it out in disappointment, holds its belly in both hands as it glances down at it, and says, "Sorry, tummy. Maybe the next thing will breathe, bleed, and scream!"

Well yeah! They can't eat without the screams. And if they don't eat, they don't live!

• The trolls are illiterate heathens. You can tell because they end their questions with two question marks. Only one acceptable sentence ending double punctuation mark exists and that's the question mark/exclamation point combo. Some idiot invented the interrobang which is a single punctuation mark that combines the two but it looks even more idiotic than using two pieces of punctuation at the end of a sentence (which almost always looks fairly idiotic (because it is (unless there are closing parentheses before the period (or quotes (and probably a whole bunch of other special cases))))).

Wait. You roast your food? What about the eating things alive while they scream thing?!

• The troll proceeds to smash Hessia in the face and say, "On your knees like the female dog you are." Stupid troll. Dogs never sit on their knees! It's pretty much impossible! Also, Mr. Troll, you're being really sexually aggressive with your violence. Maybe tone down the allusions to forced oral sex while beating up women.

• During the big fight scene, the Narrator says, "They will not go gently into the night." Being that that's a riff on Dylan Thomas's poem, it made me think of the poem which made me angry. If I were dying and somebody was all, "Fight! Fight against the dying of the light!" I'd be all, "Fuck you! I'm dying here! Don't make this all about you, you narcissist!" Then I'd probably die and those would be my last words and anybody who heard them would think, "Gor, he were a grouchy one, weren't he?"

• The Amazons begin getting their numbers punched, and in their own comic book even! Luckily, there are male warriors nearby to save their lives. Unluckily, the Narrator won't shut up about it.

What do Vikings know about summer pools?! Does summer even exist in the Fjordic countries?

• I recently made a Norse Blood Bowl team called the Fjordic Bee-Orcs. They're going to rule the Norse League.

• This bit where some other warriors rush in to save the weary warriors being killed by trolls doesn't make this story any less reminiscent of Elfquest. At least the vikings didn't ride in on elk.

• The Amazons and Vikings defeat the trolls and head back to Viking Village, a community for people who like community and flying into random, blood-soaked rages.

• The next day, Hessia gets to know one of the vikings. She makes a passing mention of Morpheus and he's all, "Who?" Then he mentions Thor and describes him as "the storm god himself" and Hessia is all, "Who?" And the viking is all, "Bitch, weren't you listening?!"

• The Vikings and Amazons join up to defeat the Jotuns because the Amazons need to save their sisters and the Vikings need an exciting way to enter Valhalla.

• Meanwhile in Jotunheim, the young Amazons who were taken find out that they will be the mothers to a new race of half-Amazon, half-Giant babies. Why would they consent to tha...oh. I think the number of copies of next issue being sold next month just fell substantially.

• The Amazons and Vikings begin their journey to Jotunheim over discussions of gender as seen through the prism of differing cultures. The Amazons are all, "You Vikings don't respect women!" And the Vikings are all, "We do too! At least we don't rape the fuck out of them like the giants!" And the Amazons are all, "Oh shit! Can we get this raiding party moving any faster?"

How nice of him! I hope it's a magic sword!

• On the way to Jotunheim, Hessia is bitten by a werewolf and they meet a bunch of Odin's Valkyries on flying boars and horses. That should shut these Vikings up about whether or not women were meant for battle. Fucking dicks.

The Ranking!
No change! I haven't changed my position on not being interested in tales of DC's Amazons.

Suicide Squad #11

So nobody else is going to do it? It's up to me to tell John Romita Jr that he is a terrible artist? Fine.

• I was so happy when I realized John Romita Jr. wasn't on All Star Batman anymore that I forgot that would free him up to shit all over a different comic book. I guess Jim Lee finally remembered that art deadlines were a pain in the ass and he just went back to doing whatever the hell other crap he does at DC Comics. His main job right now is probably telling Warren Ellis all about how he has to hit his monthly deadline on The Wild Storm, the hypocrite.

• Based on the first page with Amanda Waller sitting in the shadows and drinking scotch, I'm going to theorize that John Romita Jr. does not know how to draw fat people. Which means Amanda gets to be skinny again, I guess. That's probably easier than somebody having to say to Romita, "I read your father's comics. I jerked off over his art. I played that stupid Scott Adams Incredible Hulk adventure game for his art. Johnny boy, you're no John Romita Sr!" I'm sure if anybody criticizes Romita's art, even if they're paying him and have a right to, he probably just mutters, "I fucking did Kick Ass. KICK ASS, MOTHERFUCKER! I don't need this shit!" Then enraged, he probably scribbles all over the art he was working on and the person criticizing him glances at it and thinks, "Hmm, better!"

• Suddenly Amanda Waller is really into chess analogies. Does she know she doesn't work for Checkmate?

• Apparently, Justice League vs. Suicide Squad isn't over. Now the Suicide Squad has to deal with an angry Rustam looking to get even with the Suicide Squad. That's disappointing. This was one of the few books that consistently had the team actively pursuing an agenda instead of just falling back on their heels and defending themselves from an outside attack. Although, in the end, don't all of these Suicide Squad stories simply amount to Amanda Waller manipulating a bunch of people to pursue her own needs? Like now! She'll use the Squad to protect her from Rustam.

• The Squad is currently in Tibet pursuing one of those agendas I mentioned they're constantly pursuing. I can't think of any reason they'd be in Tibet. Maybe they need Yak fur?

Why work on an interesting or convoluted plot when you can just break it down into its simplest component parts? Killing people for freedom! America!

• Look at Deadshot in that above panel. How the hell does he see out of the scope on that mask? Who has eyes placed that far on the outside of their face?! Has John Romita Jr. ever actually seen the face of a person?

• Everybody's costume is different. The pretend reason is that they're all wearing their Tibetan Attack Action Figure outfits. The real reason is almost certainly that John Romita Jr. decided he didn't need any reference pictures and maybe even threatened to quit if the editor didn't stop criticizing his work.

• As the Suicide Squad begins killing the bad guy bastards, one of them yells, "They've found us! Wipe the hard drive! Do it now!" I guess they're busting a Tibetan child pornography ring.

• Nobody is close enough to the computer to wipe the files. Seems like a mistake since yelling "They've found us!" suggests they knew somebody was looking for them. Luckily, the computer was built with a "Delete Hard drive?" section with two big buttons, Y and N. Although why would you need the N? The question and buttons would still be there waiting for somebody to press the Y! Unluckily, the guy trying to wipe the hard drive knows too much about the Suicide Squad for his own good.

I don't think the whole Task Force X philosophy is working. Everybody knows they work for the United States government. And even if they can't prove it, the results of Squad missions always seem to be advantageous to the United States.

• Harcourt is currently in charge of the Squad because Romita can't draw fat people.

• I don't know what has happened to Rob Williams but he's decided the Suicide Squad is a farce. Killer Croc is shyly admitting his love to Enchantress. Enchantress is spouting over-the-top semi-intelligent death metal lyrics. The souls in Katana's sword are dying to go shopping. And Harley is still acting in that trying too hard whimsical way to show that her insanity places her outside of fear. I don't mind if the Suicide Squad becomes a dark comedy. But this writing with the tongue firmly in the cheek is as terrible as Harley's solo comic book. I love a comic book that makes me laugh. But I abhor a comic book that tries to make me laugh and doesn't even come close.

• Meanwhile, Rustam blows one wall on Blackgate Penitentiary and all of the criminals go free. Serves Blackgate right for letting all of the inmates hang out in the outer courtyard of the prison at night.

• Even though Jim Lee isn't currently doing the art on this book, it's still split into two stories. The next story gets to focus more on Amanda Waller because Eddy Barrows is doing the pencils and he can sort of draw a slightly larger than skinny woman.

• The second story begins with Amanda telling her sad story to General Zod. Zod, for some reason, has been removed from his Phantom Zone Sphere. There will probably be plot reasons later that necessitated this change.

• This second story takes place after the first one. The Squad has been given a night off and they're spending it in New Orleans. Amanda decides to go join them.

"Been sat here." Rob Williams just outed himself as a Brit! Not that he was probably trying to hide it. But Flag would never say "been sat here"!

• Waller takes a walk down a dark alley and gets shot by some guy wielding two pistols. I guess she just got killed by Grifter. Does he still exist in this universe? Bah, it was probably somebody else. So I guess she's dead now. She totally seems like a good candidate for the first character to die and stay dead in the Suicide Squad. No tricks here!

The Ranking!
-1! The writing was not enjoyable and the art was terrible.

Odyssey of the Amazons #1

I don't know why I'm reading this. I don't care about the Amazons.

I picked this book up because I figure why not try all of the mini-series DC puts out. But it's not like I've long been a fan of Wonder Woman or the Amazons. To clarify, I've never been a big fan of the major DC heroes. I often tried to get into Batman because I wanted to be cool but it never really stuck. And not being into Superman or Wonder Woman, I was really never interested in stories about where they came from. If you really wanted to bore the fuck out of me, you could probably just open your mouth. I mean, you could give me a story about the world of Krypton! I also always thought that reading a story about Amazons would be super boring and uninteresting. But after opening this book to the first page, I might have changed my mind!

Male gaze ahoy!

The scrolls in the panel above seem to imply that all of the Amazons were beautiful. Where is the representation for ugly girls? Not cool, Amazons. Or DC. It's almost as if the Amazons of the DC Universe weren't meant for an audience of young girls at all but for an audience of teenage males who have just landed on the shores of masturbation.

For some reason, the Amazons are engaged in a world tour. The scrolls explain that even when they approached another nation in peace, they "left a devastating wake of honor, respect and blood." These Amazons sound like huge assholes.

The Amazons are currently performing for the O'Kunga people who are less than thrilled that the Amazons chose their country as a premier venue. I guess I'm supposed to be on the side of the invading Amazons so these O'Kungans must be right evil bastards. Why else would the Amazons be going around the world performing surprise slaughterings? I'd better read the first page again!

Let's see...okay, right! They are challenging the "stronghold of the Patriarch's world." No wait! Later it says they're on a mission of peace. Although that really seems at odds with the description of their leaving a "devastating wake of honor, respect and blood." "Devastating" seems like the wrong adjective to use for a mission of peace. Another reason they're out and about is to find like-minded women who aren't Amazons. I guess this is about establishing a more multicultural group of Amazons. I'm not sure I'm any clearer as to their reasons for hitting the road for the last five years.

The slaughter of the O'Kunga people is just a way to introduce all of these Amazons to the reader. So while they kill, they make sure to always use the name of the person standing next to them. So Hessia is the leader (probably because, you know, it's Hessia! Even I recognize Hessia!) and the samurai is Wakumi and Thekla is the blonde and Demetria is the chaotic fun-lover and Rayja is the brunette and Chriselda is the berserker and Imani is the responsible one and Aminata is the Zhu'kharan. And what about the O'Kunga people? Why are they being invaded? I guess because they're men! The dumb bastards!

Aha! So their mission is to help downtrodden and subjugated people around the world! Totally on the right page now!

These Amazons are going around the world doing what Superman would love to do but refrains from doing because Batman keeps telling him he doesn't have the right. But these Amazons make their own right because they have the might! Basically they're on a world tour to stop Bullying. "Bullying" with a capital B because I probably really should have said Despots and Genociders and Evil Empires and Men! They're out there risking their lives to make the world a better place. Take that, Superman! You coward! Why don't you stand up to Batman sometime and just go end some genocide somewhere?!

One of the Amazons, Ophelia, is a sculptor. Whenever the Amazons help out a nation in need, she creates a statue of the Amazons and forces the nation to put it in a prominent courtyard so they'll always remember who helped them and who will come back and crush them into powder if they start acting like dicks. That's way better than some stupid Statue of Liberty.

The women, like Aminata the Zhu'kharan, whom the Amazons are recruiting are actually descendants of Amazons who have gone out into the world. They are being offered the chance to return to Themyscira and become immortal once again.

Oh no! Grumblings about too much violence! Time for a coup!

It's always more exciting when the true enemy comes from the inside! Like When A Stranger Calls! Or most of the Disney cartoons!

Hessia also has doubts about her mission. Like is she wearing enough scanty uniforms or fucking enough well-muscled men. Oh, plus she'd like to be the Amazonian diplomat to the world proving that they are about peace and not just slaughtering evil bastards.

Meanwhile the young, newly acquired Amazons are attacked on a beach by Giant Were-hawks. They're defeated and taken captive. Even Demetria, the Amazon with fire for blood and freckles to die for! The giants turn out to be Jotuns and they've stolen the Amazons away to Odin's realm. And even though the Fates warn that Amazon interference in Odin's land could bring Ragnarök down upon all of their heads, Hessia cannot turn her back on her sisters. Also, Narkissa points out that even the Amazons aren't sure about why they've been sent on this five year mission. So I was right to be confused! That's good because I hated sounding so much like the assholes "innocently" asking the point of the Women's March!

This Narrator is the insane one!

The Amazon ships crash against some glaciers and they all sink. A bunch of Amazons sink beneath the waves and die. I hope none of the ones whose names I learned died. What a waste of time that would have been. Not that I remember even half them at this point. So maybe I should hope that those Amazons drowned.

As the Amazons try to recover in the snow and stormy weather, they're attacked by new enemies!

"They've changed, those trolls from the Frozen Mountains."

The Ranking!
I hate ranking books I'm not particularly interested in that do the job they set out to do competently. I used an Elfquest quote for that final picture because it reminded me of that moment near the end of the quest when they arrive in the Frozen Mountains. It was on my mind because this journey felt like being dropped into the middle of the Elfquest quest with no idea why they were questing and then ended with the confrontation with the trolls. While Elfquest took fifteen or so issues to get to that point, making you care about every fucking character in the group, this story tries to jam all of that into one issue. So while I've been introduced to a bunch of characters, I haven't been given time to become emotionally invested in any of them. Except maybe Demetria. I suppose she was meant to appeal to young impatient upstarts. The way fandom works nowadays, you don't have time to get to know a character and fall in love with them over time. You have to love them and identify with them immediately and draw a ton of fan-art and begin writing fan-fiction to prove your worth as the greatest fan of a character nobody knows shit about. This might be the problem with people getting so upset at writers who seemingly ruin people's favorite characters since the "favorite character" is really just a cipher full of the reader's projections thrust onto him or her.

That being said, Demetria is now my favorite character and I love her and Kevin Grevioux had better not kill her off.