Supergirl #40

I forget. Which one of these characters was looking for a dick? I mean besides Dorothy.

I probably should have saved my story about the fire on stage while working for a junior theater production of The Wizard of Oz for this issue! But since I already told that story in my Batgirl #22 Review, I'll just mention that I got to play the Great and Powerful Oz in that production! I didn't play the wizard or have any lines or anything. But I did get to be on stage behind the big head running the smoke machine! So I was kind of the wizard. And then when all the kids (I was barely in my twenties and they were all seventeen or eighteen so "kids" is just the technical term) were pretending to search for Toto, they kept looking behind the giant head at me and screaming "Toto?!" in my face.

I mentioned this last time as well but I think it's worth repeating: the Scarecrow from that production went on to star in Julie and Jack, the first film by director James Nguyen of Birdemic! fame. That would be at the top of my resume forever.

Last issue, Supergirl learned the terrible secret of her new college: CLONING! All colleges have terrible secrets but they usually involve hazing and the faculty's penchant for covering up rape charges. I hope The Crucible Academy doesn't allow the Clones to have their own Greek House or this college will also soon have the other usual secrets as well.

I don't understand what makes clones so obedient. Wouldn't they just be a pain in the ass? After their creation, you'd still have to teach them to speak your language and how to use the toilet and how to fire a gun and how most people frown on exposing their genitals to other people in public places. Just hire some mercenaries.

Supergirl's friends Tsavo and Comet teleport into the room and begin kicking ass. Comet sure recovered quickly! How did Tsavo know where to find him? Does Supergirl just give out Mike-hole's address to everybody she meets? "Oh, if you need me, you can probably find me here not sucking Mike's dick at all. Ever." Maybe I wasn't supposed to remember that Kara left Comet snoring in Mike's bed last issue. It's also possible I'm not remembering a scene where Tsavo goes back to get him and Mike's parents are all, "What the fuck is this gigantic, humanoid, feral cat doing in our living room?!"

Tsavo breaks Amata and Maxima out of their pods so that they can help rescue all of the other students. They have to stop the cloning process but Supergirl warns the others to be careful since all the other pods are connected to Kon's pod. But since they just broke Amata and Maxima out of their pods without any problem, why can't they just break open all of the other pods as well? Then nobody will be connected to Kon and they can smash his too! Maybe. I might be making it easier than it really is because comic book logic is anything but logical.

Whoa! Watch the bum, Korstus!

It's never too late to stop the future! It's usually too late to stop the present. And it's always too late to stop the past! That's just how time works! This guy is the worst teacher in the school. I should also be upset that they, once again, made the gay guy the bad guy but I'm not. Also, Korstus might not be gay.

Everybody in the fight is perfectly matched! Teacher battles teacher! Giant humanoid feline battles giant humanoid feline while nearby, beautiful, nearly naked Maxima performs split kicks and boob butt showcases! Comet has nobody to battle because Tsavo pointed out he should be fighting the other cat person so Comet just goes off to think about the hand job he received from Mike. Supergirl is paired with Kon but not in battle. She's busy extricating himself from the cloning machine.

What happens when you clone a clone? Doesn't the product degrade every time you copy anything from another copy of the original source? Maybe they should have just used Supergirl to make their clones. I don't think Korstus thought this through very well. Although he does call them "clonelings." Maybe Clonelings are easier to control than normal clones. And they have the kind of name where you'd expect them not to understand language or toilets.

Kara frees Kon and saves the day. Everybody rejoices except Korstus and Roho because their day was not saved at all. But now the cloneling facility needs to be destroyed so Kara and Kon send everybody away while they blow it up with their non-ridiculous heat vision. If it were cold vision though...so stupid!

Amata promotes herself to the High Council of Whatever and gives her job as Preceptor to Tsavo. He takes on Maxima as Vice Preceptor and the rest of his friends decide to abandon him and the school.

Tsavo and Superboy sitting in a tree!

Hopefully Kara heads back to Earth to live with Silver Banshee and not get an apartment with that awful Mike-hole. How can she not see that he's pure evil?! But before Kara can leave, Maxima tells her that she wants to put her tongue in Kara's butthole. Kara is flattered and happy that she has friends and a place that accepts her for who she is. And Maxima probably won't use her mind powers to put naughty suggestions into Kara's head when they have sleepovers.

Kara returns to her job where Mike stops by for some banana bread and showboating. Go to hell, you asshole! Nobody needs you in this comic book trying to put your wiener in my girlfriend! Go take a long roll down a short pier, fuckface! After taking her break to speak with Mike-hole, Kara goes back to work and pricks her finger while putting her nametag back on. Either the pin on her nametag is made of kryptonite or Mike-hole's fiendish plan has begun! I knew that guy was bad news!

Supergirl #40 Rating: +1 Ranking. It feels like they're beginning a story arc to tone down Supergirl's powers but then I don't know how super Supergirl is going to be if her skin can be pierced by a tiny little needle! It could be some villainous plan or it could just be trying to make her more relatable than her little cousin Superman. I just hope she meets back up with Silver Banshee so she can have a best friend on Earth who isn't trying to bang her. Although the Silver Banshee may have been gay. I forget! If she is, she's better stay away from my Supergirl too!

Supergirl #39

Harley seems super excited to see Kara's Kryptonian Sunstone collection.

I'm sure most of you are wondering why I didn't come up with a dirty caption for this cover. Well, fuck you. I did! You just don't remember the issues of Supergirl where she was floating in the clouds sticking sun crystals in her vagina. Don't take it from me though! Supergirl's quite forthcoming about her use of the sunstones!

I assure you that this panel has not been changed by me. Probably.

And here she is powering up her FWASH! ability.

Look how veiny it is!

This seems like a not very apt time to point out that I've been crying a lot lately. Probably the reason I'm falling behind on my commentaries again. I almost started crying in Starbucks yesterday morning which would have been really embarrassing because the staff seems to be the kind of people that would have pointed at me and laughed. Maybe one would have even come out from behind the espresso maker and kicked me in the groin for good measure. I probably still would have tipped them.

It's not like I've been avoiding doing commentaries because I think my laptop will short out from all the snot dripping down my face. It's just that I've been playing a lot of Magic the Gathering on the Xbox because it keeps my mind off of my stupid dead cat and his stupid dumb dying like a dumb dumb. That was four months ago anyway, so fuck him! I should go dig him up and spit on him! Will that make me feel better?!

If anybody wants to challenge me to a game of Xbox One Magic the Gathering, send me a friend request which I swear I probably won't totally ignore. My Xbox Live name is The Red Lizard.

You know what feature I miss in these Supergirl commentaries? That part where I ended with a picture of her bum! I'm going to start doing that again because she has the cutest bum in The New 52 (way better than Grayson's. I'll fight anybody that thinks different). I stopped doing it because Supergirl had a string of issues without a good bum shot. But Goddamn it, I'm going to make sure it happens from here on out!

Currently, Supergirl and her friends found themselves on a mission for their school, The Crucible. It turns out the mission was to recover Superboy. Kara isn't quite sure she likes the sound of that. But Maxima, not being a super villain at all yet, assures Kara that the Preceptor of the academy would never send them on an horrible, evil, despicable mission.

Hmm. Maybe I should start a "Maxima's Breasts" feature too!

The Crucible isn't anything like it appears to be! Don't trust Maxima! Trust your adorable poochy little gut, Kara! Never fight for the institution! You've already seen that some of the students have rebelled against the school. Maybe you should investigate that! Figure out what that shit is all about.

Superboy decides to go along with Maxima because look at her breasts! I'd go too! It's impossible for a guy to come to a rational conclusion when breasts like that are in eyesight. It's a medical fact! I think it was proven in last May's Neurosurgeons and Asses Monthly. Don't scoff. It's a peer reviewed journal!

Supergirl remains behind to cradle Comet's head in her lap in much the same way that Swamp Thing once cradled Superman's head in his lap in DC Presents #85 by Moore and Veitch.

Back at The Crucible, Preceptor Amata talks to herself about her plans for the good of the academy and its students, so maybe I was wrong about the institution not being on the up and up. Why would she lie in a monologue to herself? It's the only time I'll believe a character! Plus, while she's going on and on about how she shouldn't have sent students into battle nor agreed to recovering the Kryptonian clone, she's attacked by the Vice-Preceptor and Roho. Oh no! The expelled students really are working for the bad guys! And the bad guys are the one guy, Vice-Preceptor Napoleon Complex!

Back on Earth, Supergirl decides to take Comet to the worst place on Earth: Mike-hole's apartment. Ugh! She's still hung up on that piece of shit?! Kara bangs on his front door after midnight and Mike's mom yells to keep it down from up the stairs where Mike-hole isn't allowed to go or else why wouldn't they get a ramp or an elevator? Kara decides to leave Comet in Mike-hole's bed while she goes back to The Crucible. Mike is all, "Sure, whatever! Please ignore my huge fucking boner that I can't cover up because I'm handicapped." And Supergirl is all, "Your arms work fine, Mike. I saw you undo your fly under the blanket." Then she opens up the portal and goes back to school leaving Comet in Mike-hole's bed.

I hope this is where Mike-hole discovers he's gay so he stops hitting on my Supergirl!

Kara heads back to The Crucible where she finds everybody locked in their rooms due to a new mandatory curfew. Vice-Preceptor Short Stuff instituted that policy pretty efficiently. This is a kind of college, right? What college student doesn't organize five dozen different protests when any thing they're used to changes at their school? What college student who is used to studying in the anti-grav lobby all night, getting cookie crumbs and diet milk all over the walls and ceiling just rolls over and agrees to a brand new curfew?! I suppose the laser wielding flying robot sentries are more efficient at instituting rules than human campus security guards.

Immediately upon her return (after a brief battle), Supergirl is captured by Roho and Vice-Preceptor Slughead. Instead of killing her like every other supervillain also wouldn't, the Vice-Preceptor decides to tell her his plans. You know, in much the same way every other supervillain would. His plan (as if anybody reading this doesn't already know)? Clone Superboy! And probably everybody else at the school. Because everybody knows that once you create a clone, the clone is no longer a sentient individual but a cheap, homemade imitation that can be used like a jerk off towel and thrown away when it's gotten too yellow and crusty. Even the good guys in Star Wars were all, "Clones have no rights! Fuck 'em! Nobody will even notice if one clone out of a thousand dies!" Although that one clone is all, "No, please! I want to live! I have a wife and family back home! I mean, the person I was cloned from does but they're in my memories as my wife and kids and that's like totally the same thing from my point of view! Also, I'm a fucking person, right? What the hell?! Just because I look like 999 other guys, it's okay to throw my life away?! Holy shit, where do I sign up for Stormtrooper school?!" And everybody standing around knew it would be too awkward to point out that the stormtroopers were just more clones just like him and the universe was involved in a huge bloodbath of pretty much brother against brother. Or self against self? Or something.

I really don't know my Star Wars canon and I've only seen each prequel once, so I probably got all of that wrong. But it feels right and doing and saying what feels right is life here in Eee! Tess Ate Chai Tea territory! This is the safest place to have feelings! Unless those feelings are negative and directed at me and then you can just fuck off!

Supergirl #39 Rating: +2 Ranking. I think this is my favorite comic book. It might be because I'm in love with Supergirl and I'm reading it with gigantic heart-shaped eyeballs. Although they really should get rid of that awful Mike character. Why would Supergirl be into a psychopathic pedophile dog rapist? I don't have any proof that he's any of those things but I can tell he's probably most of those. He's a dick.

Supergirl #38

Lesson Two: Women's inner thighs cannot touch.

Yesterday on Jeopardy, they had one of my dream categories with Through the Looking Glass. And the daily double was in the category! The jerk that hit the daily double had eleven thousand dollars and he barely wagered anything. I would have made it a true daily double because that's what you have to do when it's in one of your dream categories. The questions weren't even very obscure and really could have been figured out by just the clues in the question and most people's general knowledge of the story. I could have answered them in my sleep which is very nearly what I did. I had been napping on the couch when I woke up because I kept hearing the contestants choose from the Alice in Wonderland category. But then Alex would read the answers and they had nothing to do with the book. I woke up enough to realize the category was "Allison Wonderland" and the answers were about people named Allison. But then they went on to the Through the Looking Glass category and proceeded to fuck up all the answers. One guy asked "Who is The Mad Hatter?" when the question was "Who is Humpty Dumpty?" And one woman asked "Who is Tweedledee and Tweedledum?" when the question was "Who is the Mad Hatter and the March Hare?" And none of them even buzzed in on the one about Alice's cat Dinah! The question to the Daily Double was "What is Jabberwocky?" which is what I would have guessed even before hearing the answer given by Alex because duh!

This issue begins with Superboy reminding us who he is because it's been a long time since a comic book began with his introduction. He's busy visiting a comic book convention in Rome where some sicko is cosplaying the insane murderer Harley Quinn. I get cosplaying the fictional insane murderer Harley Quinn. But cosplaying her when she's a real killer in your universe? Seems a bit icky.

But forget about Superboy! He's only interesting when he's being a living weapon! And currently, that's Supergirl's job! Or maybe it's just one of her classes. She and her study group were sent off to Tsavo's world to quell an insurrection. That means she and her friends are fighting for the man! I bet that's the wrong side to be on! Isn't it always?

Uh oh, Tsavo! You'd better stop and listen to your brother!

So the ex-Crucible students were kicked out for not following orders. I bet those orders were about murdering babies! So they were all, "No way! We won't murder babies!" And The Crucible was all, "But they're babies that will grow up to be evil men and women! We got this note from a Future Dean that totally proves those babies are scumbags!" And the smart-ass, soon-to-be-expelled students were all, "Well if you saw they were scumbags in the future then you know we aren't going to murder them for you!" And The Crucible was all, "Oh, you know, that really makes sense. No wonder Future Dean said there was no record of you guys graduating! Um, you're expelled for not following orders!" And the Crucible students were all, "Oh man! My parents are going to be so pissed!"

Tsavo's brother and his rebellious friends flee from Supergirl and her friends even though they had the upper hand. I don't think they actually care about fomenting rebellion on Tsavo's homeworld. I think their primary concern is destroying The Crucible. Probably because it's evil and they're the only ones that know it's evil and nobody will believe them and they're all like, "ARGH! Why won't anybody believe us?! It's so unfair that people are always asking for proof!"

Anyway, Supergirl and her friends (the good guys that are kind of the bad guys because they're tying to stop the good guys (maybe!)) follow Roho (Tsavo's brother, remember?) and his friends to Earth.

Supergirl is lucky Supergirl didn't punch herself in the face.

Supergirl soon discovers that Roho is after Superboy. Supergirl is all, "Superboy?!" And Superboy is all, "Supergirl?!" And everybody else is all, "What fucking unimaginative names!"

Hopefully Roho and his friends are the bad guys because the first thing Comet does when the battle begins is to explode Rock Lobster's head. It's pretty disgusting. And possibly delicious.

Then Maxima puts a mental dagger in Rendll's throat. Then Superboy is all, "I don't need your help!" And Supergirl is all, "Boys!" And then Supergirl bends over.

Hey! No pictures of my sweet girl's bum!

Once again, Roho and his friends flee. Supergirl has begun to doubt Crucible's motives so it's just a matter of time before Comet realizes he killed an innocent Lobster Person. I guess he's going to have to die before this story arc is over. Can't let heroes with blood on their hands live. Unless her name is Lois Lane and she was possessed by Brainiac, that is.

Comet might die sooner than I thought! He's dying right now and Maxima will only transport everybody back to the Crucible if they bring Superboy along. She had a secret mission to get the clone before Roho got the clone. But Supergirl needs more answers before she jumps back onto the wrong side of this conflict, so she'd rather punch Maxima in the tits than give up Superboy and save Comet. I guess Comet should have been cuter.

Oh boy! My penis can't wait for this fight! I mean, I can't wait to see who is the better, um, combatant! P.S. I think Superboy and Comet are going to touch penises. A lot.

Supergirl #38 Rating: No change. I love looking at Emanuela Lupacchino's Supergirl. I think I swooned like eighteen times while reading this. And swooned means exactly what you think it means. My office is a mess!

Supergirl #37

Best cover of the entire New 52 ever.

Can you imagine a DC Universe based on Darwyn Cooke's variant covers? I suppose that would be a kind of Golden Age era where the heroes mostly enjoyed their lives and smiled a lot. But Golden Age comics are so hard to read! I want a modern writing sensibility with writers that know the majority of their audience are intelligent adults (or, at least, adults) but with happy heroes that enjoy doing what they do! Like a Batman that revels in breaking bones and giving his enemies internal injuries! Okay, maybe he revels in it now. But he never smiles! I want to see him smile while he dislocates The Mad Hatter's jaw!

Last issue, Supergirl found herself in an exclusive school called The Crucible. They'd given her the pitch and she was ready to sign up but they never did tell her how much tuition was. She's going to be buried in loans when this is over. And she'll probably be living off of a Galactic Credit Card which she signed up for outside of the student union. I suspect by the time she completes her courses and makes it back to Earth, Superman is going to give her yet another of his interminable lectures.

Have you noticed how Superman can't stop telling Supergirl what she's doing wrong and how she should be acting, and Batman does the same thing to Catwoman? There should be a word for when a man thinks he knows better than a woman and treats her like a child. Some man should tell a woman to get on that.

This issue begins with Supergirl writing in her diary. The comic book doesn't say anything about a diary or a journal, but her Narration Boxing has increased to Scott Lobdell levels and the only way I can deal with it is to read it as if she's writing down her experiences at the end of the day. Maybe I should read it as if she's telling me her story because we're a couple and she's sitting next to me in front of a warm fire telling me about her experience at the Crucible!

Luckily Kara has been teamed up with some other students so they can have hilarious adventures in Study Group. And she's quickly pegged her companions so the audience knows exactly what their quirks and foibles are! Maxima is smart but emotionless so Kara guesses that she "doesn't play well with others." Tsavo, being animal-like, is "quick to pounce" but he's sometimes misguided by his emotions! And Comet is "clever and thoughtful, but preens far too much."

How long has Supergirl been around these students since last issue? She's either quite perceptive or she simply makes up back stories to everybody she meets and subsequently ignores the real person. I think Kara is one of those shallow assholes that don't really pay attention to the world around them but they wholeheartedly believe they're some kind of an old soul with amazing intuition and an incredible ability to read people. Meanwhile they spend an awful lot of time nodding their heads at everything everybody says while grunting out noises that show they're interested, all the while thinking up things they think the other person is really trying to say.

Ugh! Forget Mike, Kara! You're at school! Long distance relationships are fantasies! It'll never work out now! Dump him!

At Tactical Class, Kara shows up her know-it-all teacher and puts him in his place while teenagers everywhere cheer. Good for you, Kara! Standing up to that teacher that isn't listening to a student that offers no proof to go along with her contrary account of the teacher's lecture! Don't let the patriarchy continue to spread its bullshit lies! Let the young people spread poorly fact checked "truths" that sound great and back their positions so thoroughly that there's no way they could possibly have been made up or twisted in some way! Go young people! Fight the power!

Of course Maxima's account is going to be correct because this is a fictional account making a point about how teachers don't know everything and a good teacher listens to everybody instead of staunchly refusing to veer from the same old way of looking at things. Especially since the story of Planet Y57 is a story about indigenous peoples being removed from their homes by an invading force because the indigenous people's home was full of resources that the invaders wanted. It sounds vaguely familiar. As if it were the invaders Manifest Destiny and Y57's natural resources already belonged to them. Totally understandable! What older person doesn't believe in Manifest Destiny? Stupid young people losing their futures by believing they have to endure debt to get a proper education! Maybe they should have paid more attention to that Manifest Destiny thing instead of becoming victims of the old loop de loop reversal stolen future Manifest Destiny perpetrated on them by greedy old people! Ha ha! Naive suckers! You thought you were learning to think and gaining knowledge for a future career but instead you were being pickpocketed by your parents and grandparents!

I'm actually much more sympathetic to the plight of young people trying to get an education in a greedy, everything-for-profit nation state that they're currently living in than that previous paragraph might suggest. I think children need to learn at a much earlier age that adults constantly lie to them and that the world they live in is not one they simply have to accept. By the time they're in college, they're already like a rat deep in the trap. Even by the time they're in high school, it's very nearly too late. They learn to be full of sound and fury but they've already become entrenched in the system. Actually extricating themselves and making real changes is tough when all the trappings you're used to are pieces of the trap containing you. That's why I'm writing adaptations of college level novels for elementary school children! Those are the years kids should be learning the lessons taught by One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest and Catch-22 and The Grapes of Wrath! But even elementary school might be too late by now! Because one of the biggest hooks the trap employs is attached to one of the most irresistible lures: the cell phone! Before kids can even understand what a contract is, they're hooked to phones that, generally, demand contracts. By the time they learn about the monthly bill and the contract, they can no longer do without their phones. And no matter how full of sound and fury they are against the system, it fucking signifies nothing because they're already inside the trap. And it's just a matter of time until the trap dulls their edges and they become a complacent adult just trying to get by and raise their children and pay their mortgage and pay their car payments and pay their (for the first time ever and possibly more insidious than the rest since you cannot opt out of this one by just not living (okay, you can, I guess)!) mandatory health care payment.

Oh yes, young person, you think I'm deluded? Look at how passionate your hippie grandparents were. And look at what happened to them.

Seriously though, I'm rooting for you. But I fear the trappings of capitalism are just too much to battle against. And I fear you also will fall to them, and fail.

Not that I ever fell! I'm still fighting the good fight! Fuck, um, corporate America! Fuck, um, things! Bad things especially! And, um, fuck -isms! I mean the bad -isms like racism and, um, the other ones! And fuck people afraid of being -ismed by the very people they fight alongside so they quell their rage when they should be, um, even more ragingier! Fuck censorship unless it can theoretically prevent rape and then I, um, guess it's okay, right? Stick it to our parents, man! They never fucking understood us anyway! Fuck our parents right in the buttholes! Mmm, yeah! Take it, mom! Take it, dad! Yeah! Individual rights! Freedom from oppression! Unless it's the good kind of oppression teaching me the proper way to act and the right words to say! In your face, everything I should be against! It's about time we should all believe in everything in which we should all believe! Freedom!

Later, Kara has Sparring Class with Comet.

So now Kara thinks he's "cleverer and more thoughtfuler"?

Kara has some other classes with members from her study group and it's just as hilarious and wacky as Community has taught us to expect from study groups!

Later, the Preceptor and Vice-Preceptor meet with Crucible's Alumni Benefactors. Or the High Council. Something like that. It's a secret meeting that the study group isn't privy too so I bet it will be full of crazy secrets about the true purpose of Crucible! I bet all these elite super heroes are being trained for nefarious purposes! Wouldn't that just be typical?!

So the Crucible is like Mormonism (is that one of the bad -isms?!)! The students here have to go on missions! And they're going to be cloned! That's what goes on in all of those Mormon temples all over the West Coast that look exactly alike, right? They clone people there?

Later Supergirl is shocked to find that Maxima is only at college to find a mate. That is shocking! I thought people went to college to find lots and lots of mates on a near constant basis! And to even experiment with mates that they normally wouldn't mate with!

Supergirl hugs herself in her dorm room. I did a lot of that in college too!

While the Preceptors discuss plans to kidnap Superboy and turn him into a living weapon, Kara and her study group head to Tsavo's home planet to help quell a rebellion. Or start one. One of those! It's a war and they're on one side of it and it might not even be the right side because the Crucible is shady!

Oh no! The rebels! I hope they don't teach the study group what they're really fighting for and turn them all around on the civil war and make them unsure about trusting the Crucible any longer! I sure hope that doesn't happen!

Or maybe the rebels really are the bad guys even though that seems ludicrous because they're fighting against the traditional powers that are almost always guilty of oppressing certain groups for the benefit of others!

Or they're just led by a super villain with Daddy Issues. That was my second guess!

How come the old school last page reveal of the evil super group is still so satisfying?

Supergirl #37 Rating: +1 Ranking. At first, I thought I wasn't going to enjoy Supergirl being yanked off of Earth to have college adventures in space. But this is kind of what Supergirl has been doing during her entire run. She's shuttled off to one unfamiliar environment to the next as she backpedals and tries to figure out how she fits in. This is just another one of her fish out of the barrel stories! And so far, I think I like it. Do I like it? Can someone please tell me if I should like it?

Supergirl #36

Is it a horrible font? I bet it's a horrible font!

Why am I still reading this comic book? It's obvious that Supergirl has moved on with her life and she's dating that scrotum-beard, Mike-hole. How could she do this to me? I gave her everything and she just goes on with her life as if I don't exist? Or as if she doesn't exist? Hopefully whatever the Menace of the Crucible is, it kills jerks in wheelchairs who go around stealing other people's girlfriends.

Since we last saw Supergirl kissing that fucking piece of shit, she's taken a job at a coffee house where she runs into all kinds of interesting people.

Or totally boring people that aren't interesting in any way at all! *wink wink*

Why is Supergirl working at a coffee house? She should rob a bank and be set for years! Just one measly little bank. Where's the harm in that? Even if she were caught, she could pretend she was mind-controlled by Queen Bee or Hector Hammond or Lex Luthor and she'd never be prosecuted. Lois Lane caused the deaths of thousands of people recently and apparently nobody gave a fuck because she was possessed by Brainiac! I don't know why these super heroes haven't thought of this themselves! "Ohhh shit...um, where am I? Oh fuck, how did I get all this money? Last thing I remember I answered this Craigslist ad from P. Pirate and then nothing! Whoa, I am so sorry! But, you know, wasn't my fault and all. See you later!"

If I were a super hero, I would charge people to touch my penis. That's not breaking any laws, is it? If I were an alien super hero, I'd just tell everybody I didn't know that was wrong on Earth because my people do it all the time! Then if people argued with my culture, I could call them insensitive bastards! And then ask them if they want to touch my penis for $20.

This just doesn't strike me as advice Clark would really give to Kara. He knows the benefit of being around regular people in a civilian identity. At most, I think maybe he'd lecture her to develop a secret identity. You know, maybe hit the Warby Parker homepage.

Kara's nails are totally adorable. Maybe I'm giving up on this relationship too easily! And look at that cute little bum as she heads back into work! Kara! Mike-hole isn't good enough for you!

Superman has been doubting himself because he thinks maybe the fears that he might turn on the world are well founded. If whatever is going on in Batman isn't a dream then I'd say he's right. Superman gets mind controlled and turns on the Earth. Superman contracts Doomsday Herpes and turns on the Earth. Superman gets shot up with Joker Toxin and turns on the Earth. How is he supposed to keep the world safe when he can't even keep his own mind safe? And the world definitely won't be safe from Supergirl unless she's finally learned that punching people in the face is an inappropriate way to greet strangers on Earth.

Kara still misses Siobhan. She hasn't talked to her since that time Kara got upset with her because she didn't care about Kara's vaginal kryptonite poisoning. Which Kara never actually told her about. While she's thinking about having lost her best friend for no reason at all, she's kidnapped by a bunch of aliens and inserted into The Crucible!

Actually, she's inserted into the entrance exams for The Crucible. She passes easily. Just as I knew she would! That's my girl! And by "girl" I mean "person I'd like to stare at naked and possible put my tongue in her various orifices." I don't know why I said that! That's what I always mean by girl!

This college sounds like a scam! Like Carrington College or the University of Phoenix or Oxford.

The "recruiters" are Maxima, Tsavo, and Comet. And apparently The Crucible is where Omniologist Shay Veritas trained. I don't think that's a great recommendation. After graduation, she had to use a cane and could only live in the center of the Earth! Unless those were just results of the after-graduation party.

And finally, a surprise guest on the final page! Thus the "finally!"

Idiot. You exist to be a living weapon! Your purpose is to destroy shit! In all your search, you never once read the first page of any Superboy comic book by Scott Lobdell?

Supergirl #36 Rating: This issue was terrific! Not one sign of Mike-hole! Maybe she dumped him since last issue! Maybe Jason Todd murdered him! Maybe Scout tore out his throat and defecated in his neck stump! Maybe he toppled over in his wheelchair out in the hall of his shitty New York apartment and was torn apart by rats! Maybe he slit his own throat because he knew he could never satisfy Supergirl the way I could satisfy her! I'm pretty sure I could satisfy a Kryptonian woman because she doesn't know what to expect from an Earth male! I'll be all, "Oh yeah! That totally turns on Earth girls when I come in my pants simply because you touched my thigh!"