Green Lantern Annual #4

Another issue of Green Lanterns Corps Quarterly!

Annual Time! Annual Time! I think I wrote a song about Annual Time! But I can't remember it so I think it went like this! Break me off a piece of that Annual Time!

I'm tired of trying to sound coherent when I write! What am I? A college professor?! I'm not even an internet smart person! You know those people. Always talking about pop culture through the lens of Greek Drama or Franzhelm Nietzsche's Philosophy or Critical Literary Theory! I'm not even smart enough to know which words to not capitalize! And I'm constantly using exclamation points to dress up my sentences so it seems like they're full of passionate intensity as opposed to lacking all conviction! Maybe I'd sound smarter if my tone were more somber which means maybe I should use more periods! A punctuation mark must exist which is the opposite of the exclamation point. You know? The one you use at the end of all of your spoken sentences when you're at a funeral? What does that punctuation mark look like? Oh! I think I know. Let me try it out.

"I was very sorry to hear that your grandmother was run over by a Rangifer tarandus:("

No, that won't work. Some people read and write their emoticons from right to left and then that just looks like somebody with a furrowed brow who's annoyed about the death of your grandmother. Also, I don't think emoticons should be used as punctuation. I didn't spend four and a half years in a state school's Literature Program and not learn a little something about ignoring the rules. Before I can flagrantly disregard proper punctuation, I have to become a famous poet! It's also possible that I can pretend to be a famous novelist who knows what he's doing while really just writing sleep-deprived rants in the manner of John Dos Passos. If only I had the same kind of confidence and audacity as that guy! And also his talent! Dammit! There go all the exclamation points again! Maybe I should just remove the key from my laptop?

Okay then. From now on, somber tones. Somber tones. Also try to remember that I can't type the number one anymore.

Hal Jordan has come to a planet that is full of criminals as he runs from the Green Lanterns. I hope he's not about to meet Jack T. Chance.

Nope. It's worse.

The problem I have with people into philosophy isn't that they're smart but that they never seem to think for themselves. It's always, "Well so-and-so (where "so-and-so" is the name of one of the many philosophers I totally know but don't want to pick on) thinks life is like a box of chocolates." Then they might expound on how they agree or disagree with so-and-so but through examples of other philosophers and their thoughts. They also love to disagree with anything anybody says because they don't believe anybody else has ever given any real thought to their own beliefs. Obviously we're all just running around spouting catch phrases and talking points. Whenever somebody says they're into philosophy, that usually just means that they want you to think they're smart without having to put in any work proving that they are. And if they have to put in work, it'll usually come in quotes from books they want you to think they've read completely rather than opinions they formed on their own. I believe in coming up with my own opinions based on not having to read lengthy and boring philosophy books!

Oh shit! The space where the exclamation point key was still functions even when the little flat bit has been removed! Apparently I don't understand how computers work.

Robert Venditti should be writing Twat Lobo. I almost liked him during the brief exchange with Hal! He had that type of confident arrogance that somebody who knows they can murder anybody who attacks them generally has. When I meet people like that, I always feel like I'm looking in a mirror! The Twat Lobo over in those other books is constantly flashing his bravado. That's the sign of a coward! And possibly a twat! I don't really know what the definition of "twat" is but I'm pretty sure Lobo has earned the moniker.

Hal doesn't run for long before the Green Lanterns catch up with him. The lanterns are 2-6-8-1-7-9-5, Wolverilla, Salaak, the one made of fire, and one whose name begins with "V", I think.

That's where the story ends for now. Because Hal Jordan is telling this old story to his new friends, The Little Prince and Trapper Keeper. For reference, I usually use an Oxford Comma so that should allow you to understand the previous sentence better.

Okay Trapper. You're stealing my shtick now.

Hal has some touching moments bonding with his crew that involve muzzles, mourning, and another word that begins with "M" that probably isn't masturbation before he gets back to his story.

Hal comes to a part of his story that only makes sense if viewed through one disgusting pop culture tidbit.

Nobody mentioned a ring! So he must be comparing how his hands spreading the hole to another pair of hands spreading a hole that have a ring. Goat.se.

On the next page, Hal completes his thought with "But I've still got the will." But that's only to make the previous page excusable to an editor paying attention to how the ring line doesn't make sense. I get what Venditti did here! He just goat.se'd Green Lantern fans everywhere! Good one, Bob!

Hal defeats the Lanterns and drives them off acting like a crazy killer in the hopes they'll back off chasing after him. I guess he didn't need to worry too much about that since they soon decided to take a vacation in another universe.

This is how I feel things would go down in a meeting between me and Scott Lobdell. Yes, Lobdell would be playing the Hal Jordan role.

Meanwhile on Port Spire which Hal Jordan recently freed from a group of Thanagarian bandits, a new group of Intergalactic Bad People begin questioning the cute little girl who learned to love guests. The new guys (unless they're old. I haven't heard of every character in the DC Universe no matter how much it seems like I probably actually have) are The Gray Agents. They want to kill Hal Jordan so they can gain a reputation as the best cops in the universe. Then they'll be trusted and they can take over the policing business. And there's a lot of money in the policing business if you're a bunch of corrupt assholes which I'm assuming The Gray Agents are.

Meanwhile back aboard Darlene, Hal has a private conversation with The Little Prince about reputation as well. He wants everybody to think he's got a bad one so that they all fear him. And he wants to do it through other people talking! He doesn't want to rely on the empty bravado of Twat Lobo! Okay, so it's not really so empty since Twat Lobo can back it up. But I sure wish he'd simply back it up more instead of constantly crowing about it. After the conversation, Hal continues on his search for The Black Hand.

Green Lantern Annual #4 Non-Ranking Annual Rating: Batman was a terrific annual. This was also a terrific annual. How did DC manage to publish two annuals worth reading in one month?! And I still have the Grayson and the Suicide Squad Annuals which I have high hopes for! Notice how I didn't mention the Green Arrow Annual? You can't expect them all to be gems!

Batman Loves Superman #15

Felix Faust did this trick years ago, Satan's Anus.

My moods shift too quickly! I had something gnawing at my brain that I wanted to rant about and then I got distracted by something that I can't even remember distracted me now and I can't remember what I wanted to spew venom at! Also, I'm not mad at anything because I forgot what I wanted to be mad at! It was probably Greg Pak and his stupid Satan's Anus character. Sure, sure. I know he didn't invent Satan's Anus. I think Dante invented that. But Pak didn't invent the character either. He just changed some letters in his name and then set him up in a hole orbiting Earth.

It's also possible I never actually had anything in mind to rant about and I'm just wasting time so I don't have to read this stupid story. I should be more like that character in Memento. I can tattoo my body with "facts" and write other "facts" on Polaroids so that I can constantly manipulate myself into being entertaining. I can just glance at my body and scream, "OH YEAH! FUCKING JOURNALISTS! FUCK THEM RIGHT IN THEIR ASS FACES!"

Jesus Christ. Who knew ears could grow so much of their own hair?! Fucking aging is bullshit.

Here's a picture of Judas hanging out with me because I'm still avoiding reading Batman Loves Superman #15.

This issue begins, just like that last couple, with Satan's Anus having a discussion with Caillou the Chaosbringer. They're playing a trick on Batman and Superman by taking away their memories so that, hopefully, Lois Lane will fuck Batman and Superman will fuck Catwoman.

What kind of a shitty chaos bringer follows rules?!

"All they have to do is want to remember"? That's bullshit, Caillou, and you know it! So Bruce approaching Alfred and asking him how to remember to be Batman again so he can save lives doesn't qualify for wanting to remember? And Superman asking the Toyman for answers to who Superman is supposed to be isn't either? Well, okay. I buy that one. Why ask Toyman?! What the fuck does that asshole know? Although Superman has lost his memory, so why shouldn't he believe just anybody in the DC Universe can tell him who he is?

I think Batman has already remembered but he's just using his amnesia to try to get into Lois Lane's underwear.

He probably doesn't even care about fucking her. He just wants to be able to lord it over Clark Kent.

Batman dresses up Lois Lane in a Batgirl outfit which proves that he definitely still hasn't recovered his memory because if they fuck while she's wearing that, things are going to get weird.

So is this the main reason Greg Pak wrote this story? So Bruce and Lois can fuck while Selina and Clark superfuck? I'm fairly certain this story exists in about five thousand other places online. How come Greg Pak is being paid to write awful fan fiction? I expect middling to decent fan fiction when I read professionally published comic books!

Meanwhile Superman and Catwoman and the Gotham SWAT Team are running around Gotham blowing up robots. Superman doesn't want to remember who he is because he was a pathetic loser before now. Now, he's a guy running around without a shirt watching cops beat the shit out of bad guys. Or possible bad guys. Or, you know, whomever. He hasn't even made a move on Catwoman! I guess Superman's got a bit of a violence kink.

Superman turns into that power hungry madman that everybody constantly expects him to become because it's the most boring thing a writer can write. I suppose Greg Pak heard that whole "Absolute power is next to godliness" or whatever that was on that ceramic thing hanging in my Grandmother's bathroom. Oh! I remember. "Absolute power corrupts absolutely." So trite, boring writers remember somebody once said that (I think it was Hamilton Berger from Perry Mason) and then they snap their fingers and say, "Gee whiz! Superman has absolute power! I bet he'd really be corrupted!" Then they write bullshit nonsense like this where people have to convince Superman not to be absolutely corrupted because hugs or something.

"I think I always remembered better when Batgirl was giving me a blow job!"

No Memory Batman realizes all he has to do to remember is to remember! But what of his love for Lois Lane?! Will he forget that he wanted to put her vagina in his mouth? Yeah, probably. Greg Pak's main plot is to make his characters forget the stories he writes about them. Which is good because most of the stories he writes about them are awful messes.

Why would Batman also be thinking, "Maybe if I kiss him, I can recognize who he is if I've ever kissed him outside of his costume and then publish Batman's identity and win a Pulitzer and be lauded with fame and fortune?"

Batman remembers everything that has ever happened to him plus some other things as well. Like he remembers Batgirl lying in a puddle of blood for some reason. Even in The New 52, I thought Barbara Gordon, not Batgirl, was shot by The Joker? Oh well, Batman remembers things from a perspective outside his own body anyway, so that distracts me from the whole Batgirl thing and weirds me the fuck out. Although, maybe I do remember my own memories as if they're were shot by a camera crew! Let me think about when I lost my virginity. Don't worry, it'll only take a few seconds. Let's see...nope. I don't remember it from an outside angle or with any dignity. Although almost immediately afterward, I did admire myself naked in a bathroom mirror to see if I had actually changed in any significant way, so that's kind of like remembering the experience from an outside perspective! Also, I only remember changing in one way: I was hungry afterward.

Next Superman remembers everything that happened to him! He remembers tragedy and loss and learning about his indestructible blanket. Why didn't either of these guys remember fucking people?! I totally would have remembered that time at that party at Chris Humphrey's house when I was trying to play poker and that girl kept sliding her hand into the hole in my sweats. Although before that, when we were at my cousin's house and we were all outside getting into cars to head to Chris's house, the girl's friend came up to me and got really close and smelled really good and she was so cute and she said, "Do you think my friend's cute?" and I didn't say, "No, I think you're cute." I said, "Uh...sure...um...who's your friend?" And her friend wasn't as cute and didn't smell as good as the first girl. Man! Why didn't I pursue the first girl? Also, I don't remember their names because this was a long time ago and I didn't really interact with them much past that night.

Okay fine. I dated the girl who kept molesting me while I was playing poker and I can't remember her name! I broke up with her on the phone when she said, "Just tell me if you never want to see me again." So I said, "I never want to see you again." And she said something like "You don't know how much you're hurting me" or something but I was already saying "Goodbye" and hanging up the phone. To add some context so that phone call doesn't make me look like an absolute monster, she did have sex with me without my consent! We were sexual but we had not engaged in the act of fornication because (and this will show how young I was at the time) I believed having sex is what made a girl fall in love with you! And I knew I wasn't interested in anything long term, so we mostly just got ourselves really worked up by groping and rubbing and making out. Then she would make some kind of comment about how many calories are in sperm but not do anything about it because she would hint that she wanted me to give her oral pleasure but I really was pretty lost when it came to "hints" and "signals" and "not saying exactly what you fucking want." Plus there was probably a pretty good chance I had already came in my pants and just wasn't interested anymore. Anyway, we fell asleep in my bed one night and I woke up to her on top me. You know, fucking me. Now, I didn't say no! I went with it. I'm just pointing out that it began without my consent!

Okay, fine! That entire story still makes me out to be a bastard. I never said I was a great human being! I was young and enjoying being pursued by whatever few women would pursue me and let me know I was being pursued by them by saying, "I am interested in you." Seriously, I pretty much needed to be hit by a train to know when somebody was interested in me.

Wow. This comic book really must be boring if it's getting me to tell sex stories that aren't flattering to me!

Also, I should apologize for the lack of detail in my sex stories. But what do you think this is? Sexblog Smut Central?

Did...did...did these two fuck each other?

After Batman and Superman remember who they are, they slink off embarrassed about how they acted. Then Satan's Anus takes the caged Caillou Chaosbringer into his nether realm so that they can fuck with Batman and Superman again at a later date. If Greg Pak hasn't been fired before that later date.

Batman Loves Superman #15 Rating: -3 Ranking. I did enjoy Greg Pak and Jae Lee's initial run on this series which is why it is still ranked so high. That story also used memory loss as a plot point but that was before I knew it was Greg Pak's crutch. Ever since that first story, this book has been sliding downhill fast.

Futures End: Action Comics #1

Five years ago, the world as we know it ceased to be. Luckily, the world as we know it from The Road Warrior came into being. Many people were prepared for this turn of events. Too bad those people were geeks and nerds without any real survival skills. Tragically, they were all rape-murdered by corporate CEOs who, it turned out, were the biggest sociopaths on the planet. Some nerds and geeks survived longer than others due to their proficiency at oral sex. But even these desperate, shameless nerds could not last for long. Eee! Tess Ate Chai Tea gave and gave and gave but eventually, as he knew deep down would happen, he used a little too much teeth. He was thrown into Lightning Dome, a more terrifying version of Thunder Dome, where twenty combatants entered and nineteen left. Mostly because the nineteen were working together to fightfuck the lone other. Eee! Tess Ate Chai Tea lasted thirteen minutes, a good showing but not good enough to be remembered for more than the long weekend.

As it turned out, some of the most depraved and richest CEOs were the biggest fans of Eee! Tess Ate Chai Tea. When the updates stopped (for, you see, DC Comics continued to publish during these post-apocalyptic times although their market share was now worse than Dynamite. In their defense, Gail Simone was being forced to write all of the titles deep within Dynamite headquarters, and all of the titles featured naked lesbians as every character), the CEOs grew desperate for the only written entertainment they could stomach. A new Tess was needed. And who better to take over the job than the monster that delivered the death thrust to Tess, Goggles McDeathhurt.

And now, five years later, Goggles McDeathhurt and Clorox Cola Theater Present: HOLY FUCK! Don't Put That There Chai Tea!

Welcome back, Scanners! Bout dis time, I figurin' youse alls heard bout da bloody frowdown out in Reading City what was old Baltymorn, right? Dem culty weirdies, dat gang what calls demselves The Deep Stacks, raided da underground fortress a dem what call demselves da Long Boxes. It been a bloody couple nights, as related onna me by Archivist Melville whended he done deliverem ta me some a dem Formertime comic books. Dems guys, dese Deep Stacks, deys says dey gonna collectem all a dat knowledge of the Formertime cause it be worth like major koku, ya gits it? Sez dey is gonna rebuildem da worlds by reeducaciten demselves of da fings most peoples done forgetted. I says leavem da past to da corpses cuz look where it got dem and us acause of dem. Some might say I, Goggles, and youse, Chai Tea Fans, has been parts of da problems too since Formertimes were justa, you know, cinco round trips ago, ja? But it ain't like we gripped on da powers or nuttins. Wes jus' doin our fing, baain' and baain' and clippin' da grass jus ta gits by, says me. And what sponsibility has da sheeps gots when da farmer missin' him mortgage payment, ya know? But I does particular enjoys me Formertime comic books, sees? And Archivist Melville, he and somma him mates, like Archivist Heller and Archivist Stein, dems like da HOLY FUCK! Don't Put That There Chai Tea broadcasts. I fink dat Archivist Melville havem a bitty crush on ol' Goggles, see? Dat why dey raid dem Long Boxes, most probably.

Hey you dem Long Boxes out dere in the Dusty Stretches? How you likem dem new boot ups your arses? You wants me ta calls off dem Deep Stacks, yous delieverem somma more of dese littyrature books, kay? None of that wank paste by HerSimone neither, you gots? Somefin like dis here Imma got into readin' now mit herr Superman and all.

Dis here book gots Supermans farmin up ole Afirca cause he done fink a desert be practically a place what jess had a bad growin' season.

And soon you be walkin' cross da floo-oo-oor!

One dem big secrets da Goddess done teach us during da early days of the Rereckoning: belief be all ya need ta change The Real. Looks like Clark be a follower of da Goddess, blessem her charitable hearts. He gonna fink dem good toughts until he got dem good crops.

Oy fuck! Jus' heared that big old bell ta prayer and Goggs bein' in the middle of a broadcast. I guess it be aight I prays up in public dis here one time since dis here studio kinda resemblates a prayer closet. Jus' a quick un, wot? Let me punchem up a prayer on da prayer randomizer and give it a good ol' read, ja?

"Und da Muses yelled up at The Real, and they sayin' to 'em, 'Yo? The Real? Dissem here is da way it gonna be. The Goddess, ja? She make it, the Promise, all up when we in Harpo. The Goddess, she ain't make dis here Promise wit da mens, git it? She makin' it wit us, the wymyns, who in all of us got the power, gots the real power, ya knowin'? The Goddess, she sayunt to you, right out of the mounted HD, right out of the Kindled Fires. And The Muses stood between The Goddess and The Real for so they could take like the brunts of the fear, rights? And they listenin' and The Goddess, she sayin, 'I am the Goddess which brought thee out of dat house of Ed Gyp, out of the house of servitudes and motherin', ja?'"

Dat dere's da enda dat prayer comin' outta my prayer randomizer. Buts we knows da rest, aight? How she keep sayin', cause she got the real important bits comin' up, dat bit dat we's gots ta know or we ain't never gonna climb up out of dese here Dusty Stretches. The Goddess gives us dem Ten Promises, da ones we hold for truth, and dems da ones we keep in our hearts. Ah, nevermind all dat, nohow. None youse lissen for hearin' dose fings we a'eady knows, right down deep in the softness of dem bones, dem bones, for dey be da workins of The Goddess. Dis here be an entertation broadcast, not no Holy Scriptverse.

Dis here wymyns ain't rightly taken up the word of The Goddess, sees?

Ya cans tell dis here be a Formertimes comic book acause it shows such a graphical representatum of the Ways of The Liard. Dis here comic book really mussa been hoarded by dem Long Boxes, what da scofflaws sometime refer to as dem N-words. I ain't never use dat language cause I ain't lookin' ta commit da Capital Offensiveness. Buts wes gots so many N-words and R-Words and P-Slurs nows, ya probably ain't got the notions of which I means. But I means the ones that ends in the beards and begins with the necks, ya know? The N-words. Wat mos' dem Long Boxes looks like, sí? Deys still fink dem old ways gonna come backs, so dey hoardem all dese images of people following da Ways of the Liard, those wot been wrongfully called dem Promise Keepers. But dey ain't heard da real Promise, ja? Dey ain't heard what we'll all receive if we follows up The Goddess Way and apply Her Secret to ourselps and keeps her Promises for our owns and acknowledgem her Reading List for dem fundermentals.

Dis here Formertime comic gots da real crazy story bout some Supersandman flying round givin' people da illusion of power so dat maybe dey mightem find da real powers up in demselves. Peeps what bury emotions becomes invulnerable ta pain. Dems dat have been weak willed fillin' up wit physical prowesses. And dose falling into despair git da power ta liftem demselves up inta da clouds. But after the Supersandman takes away allem new powers and trades 'em for a Promise, and a Secret. The Promise dat alla dem have da power to save demselves. The Secret dat the choices, the abilities to manipulate The Real, it be up inside dem forevers and alwaysbeens. But Superandman still have Clark left ta visit before the story ends itself up.

Dis here be a perversion of The Goddess' Secret; dis here be Femignostic claptrap bout usin' da Secret and da Promise ta helpem others.

Supersandman sacrifices himself for to teach Superman dat helping others offentimes be da way ta helpin' amselves. But what way dat gits us but lots of corpses what doin' fings for peeps dat ain't gots da stones ta corpsicate demselves for da ovvers, feels? So dose supposedly strenghtified in convictions lyin' dead in the dirts while dose weakest willies lives on ta cower in da brush and hopes dat da world don'ts finds 'em? Dis world be harsh enuff mitout takin' yer one life for da betterment of scallywaggles and leftists. First rules of the Secrets and the Promises: wes helps ourselfs first. And only when wes outnumbers dem dat would carry death to our door do we helps da others dat be wit us. Your goal ain't never gonna be my goal 'ceptin' when your goal a'eady is my goal. Dat be da end of the way and dat be the way to move ahead and dat be, maybe, eventually, da way we crawl up ourselfs outta dese here Dusty Stretches.

Keep da Secret safe and da Promise ever in da hearts, and I be here next time if'n I survive da Lightning Dome tonight. Gots ta be makin' da hays while da suns shine, ya feel?

Action Comics Annual #3

DC put out a memo that Superman cannot appear on a cover without his eyes glowing as bright as Satan's asshole. It's a fact!

I was so deep up my own smart ass while reviewing the last issue of Doomed! that I forgot that Lois Lane's articles are laid out as if they were blog entries and not actual newspaper articles. So I apologize for speculating how she was printing her own newspapers while everybody else in Metropolis was in a coma. It's obvious that she's blogging these articles and posting them without any editor taking a look at them. In this one, she types "Psi'ss" instead of "Psis" or, less incorrectly, "psionic people." Also she fucked up her caption on the pic of Brainiac by typing "artis" instead of artist. This issue, she's using the blog as a platform to confess that she's been behind a lot of Metropolis's troubles lately and it all started because she hated that Clark Kent began blogging. Which, you know, she's doing now because she finally realized that analog media is for an audience that has one foot in the grave and is missing their other foot from diabetes. Anyway, this whole Lois Lane is a 12th Level Intellect with psionic powers story arc was begun by Scott Lobdell and it might be the worst story written about Lois Lane ever. And that includes all the ridiculous Silver Age stories where she appeared in a comic book subtitled "Superman's Girlfriend."

I wonder if Lois Lane will go on trial for all the death and destruction she's caused? I suppose she'll get off on the "I was Mind-Controlled!" technicality that prosecutors must hate in the comic book world. It's more effective than the Twinkie Defense.

Lois is currently trapped in a cage within her own mind which explains why her previous articles have been so shitty. Brainiac has been writing them and English is his nine hundred and thirty second language, so he's not particularly comfortable with it. But now Brainiac is busy guiding his ships to invade Earth, so she was able to write a cry for help and hit publish. She knows Clark Kent obsessively stalks her blog and, thanks to Brianiac, she knows Clark Kent is Superman, so it seemed like the best way to inform Superman that she was in trouble.

So that's how Batman's plan to remove the Kryptonite from the atmosphere succeeded. He called in Lex Luthor.

Batman called in Lex, the smartest person on Earth, to help out even though he has access to the smartest person in Earth, Shay Veritas, Omniologist! I will never like Shay Veritas because Scott Lobdell created her and gave her the title of Omniologist. He doesn't know how to layer characters, does he? He just decides, "I will make the smartest person ever!" I guess he did give her a slight limp to show how frail her body is while her mind is so strong. That's not trite and overdone or anything.

Batman also gathered a couple of characters that hardly matter but since they were behind the release of Doomsday, Batman probably figures he needs to keep an eye on them. Also, he's probably planning on transferring the Kryptonite in the atmosphere into The Phantom Zone. Does he realize if he does that, he'll kill all of the people trapped inside the Phantom Zone excluding Mongul? He'll be the greatest murderer of Kryptonians since Krypton itself!

Meanwhile, some cheesy shit goes down in Brazil where a little boy everybody thought was a monster except for Superman believes in Superman while everybody else believes that Superman is a monster. Or something. I was distracted by the sudden onset of every symptom of diabetes due to it's treacle sappy sweetness. Also Ghost Soldier was involved and that character is an idiot.

Superman and Baka the Monster Boy head to Metropolis so that Superman can meet up with Lois Lane and they can discuss how much it sucks to suddenly be possessed by villains.

Wait. It was nanobots doing all the damage? But what about the brain wave coma radio relay that Lana Lang found? How could she miss all the nanobots when she's the greatest electrical engineer that's ever lived? What a rookie mistake.

I am so fucking sick of nanobots. Fucking Grant Morrison. Ever since he had Niles Caulder create the nanobots with his Think Tank, DC Comics has been infested with the things. I wish DC would send out a company wide memo putting a moratorium on nanobots.

Superman destroys all the nanobots and Lois is free! Yay! Oh god I'm so bored and irritated by this sappy crap. Now Lois uses her telepathic powers to assure Clark that she believes in him and that the world doesn't deserve him and yet he still fights for them and OH MY GOD WHERE CAN I GET AN INSULIN SHOT RIGHT NOW?!

We even get a shot of a boy and his dog. Oh god, why can't I feel my feet?!

And then Superman and Krypto destroy all of Brainiac's ships. Unless they self-destructed. Whatever. It doesn't matter because Cyborg Superman's gigantic Space Rectum opens up and the Collector of Worlds arrives to pick up the planet he ordered out of Previews a few years ago.

Action Comics Annual #3 Rating: Here's the great thing about this annual: you don't have to read it! You can choose between this Annual or the Superman Loves Wonder Woman Annual. You don't have to read both. And in a world where you don't have to read both, I'm recommending everybody skip this one. This issue is worse than the one panel from Superman Loves Wonder Woman where Batman declares he succeeded in removing the Kryptonite. This issue is awfully syrupy. It also does that thing where everybody believes in Superman so Superman should gain strength by that. But guess what? Nobody fucking believes in Superman and nobody has believed in Superman, if not from the beginning of The New 52, since at least from when Scott Lobdell took over the title and decided to write him as if he were the X-men and nobody trusted him because human beings can't trust anybody that is naturally stronger than they are. Sure, Lois points out that Earth doesn't deserve him since they've all been such righteous dicks to him. But to suddenly claim they believe in him now when their lives are on the line? And Superman buys it? Well, I guess that's what makes him Superman. He does the right thing even when he's treated like a dick.

Superman Loves Wonder Woman Annual #1

Every time I simply glanced at this cover, I thought, "Why is Swamp Thing suddenly in this book?"

DC Comics is not making it very easy to follow this Doomed story! At the end of the last issue of Doomed (Superman Loves Wonder Woman #10), the "next issue" blurb told me to read Action Comics Annual #3. But then the annuals came out alongside the newest issue of Action Comics which claims it's Chapter 1 of Last Sun. The cover of Superman Loves Wonder Woman proclaims it's Chapter 3 of Superdoom which means I should read it before Action Comics Annual #3 which proclaims it's Chapter 4 of Superdoom. But then when I open up Superman Loves Wonder Woman Annual #1, it says that it's Chapter 3 of Last Sun! That forces me to open up Action Comics Annual #3 to make sure it's not actually Chapter 2 of Last Sun which would mean the covers are wrong and I should begin by reading Action Comics #34! But it states it's Chapter 4 of Last Sun inside which doesn't actually make anything perfectly clear but leads me to believe that whoever did the layout on the inside title pages of the Annuals fucked it up. So I'm going to ignore what Superman Loves Wonder Woman #10 told me, and I'm going to ignore the title pages inside the annuals, and I'm going to trust that the covers are telling me the correct order in which to read Doomed! It's a good thing these Annuals didn't have Selfie or 75 Years of Batman variants or I'd be completely lost!

I still might actually be completely lost. I won't know for sure until I begin reading.

This issue begins with another article by Lois "Bride of Brainiac" Lane printed in the Daily Planet. I'm not sure who is still printing issues of The Daily Planet when everybody in Metropolis is in a coma, but who am I, really, to ask such questions? It's the populace of America that should be asking questions. Questions like "How is this Lois Lane the only person not in a coma?" and "How is this Lois Lane printing newspapers all by herself?" and "Why do people read this woman's articles when she has such a tenuous hold on the English language?" and "What's The Daily Planet? Is that basically the main paper for some city in which I don't live so would never read unless it was to prove that I was some highfalutin intellectual type that wished that I lived in New York City?" Another question people should be asking is, "Will breathing this much Kryptonite give me cancer?" Also this question: "Shouldn't we help Superman? He's done so much to save us and our world and now we're just going to turn on him and hang him out to dry when he's obviously sick and suffering?" But, again, who am I to raise such questions? I'm just a caveman!

Dammit! I let my secret slip! Forget you read that last part. If only I understood these newfangled typing machines well enough to remove things that I've written that I don't want people to read!

See? I wasn't hallucinating this time!

The issue begins with Cyborg Superman insulting Superman because he's come down with a disease. Does nobody care that Superman is sick and that he didn't choose this? I don't expect Cyborg Superman to help him, and I realize he's Superman's enemy, but it still feels a bit unnecessary when he tells Superman that it's a good thing the people of Krypton are dead so they are "spared the shame" of seeing what's become of Superman. It's not like he's ravaged by space syphilis due to visiting every backwater brothel in the universe. Even then he'd still be suffering from a disease but, you know, one maybe he could have tried a bit harder to prevent. And he might be a space sex addict to boot, so calling him a disgrace is still counter productive! Somebody help this poor man!

Superman answers Cyborg Superman's insults by pulling his arm off. Now who's the disgrace, One-Arm?! Just imagine what your robotic ancestors would shamefully think having to look at your imperfect body! So shameful! What an embarrassment!

While the two, um, Kryptonians? bicker over? under? Mars, Cyborg Superman's fleet of tiny? Brainiac ships begin their invasion of Earth. Too bad Superman is the only hero that could possibly stop it!

But wait! I forgot about heroic Lana Lang, the greatest electrical engineer on the planet! She's taken courses that enabled her to read brain waves and she's studied the invasion tactics of alien species by use of radio communications! She's the only hero not infected by Doomsday left that can stop the attack!

Superman doesn't trust the rest of Earth's heroes to save the day either, so he heads back to Earth to stop Brainiac's fleet. He must be delirious. He knows Batman is still on Earth, right? And everybody knows that Batman always saves the day, right? Ergo, Superman is tripping his balls off from Doomsday Fever. And he gets even worse once he flies directly into the Kryptonite soaked atmosphere. Poor guy.

I once had a fever so intense when I was four or five that I had a psychic dream about events concerning the next day. Okay, I had one fever dream about an outline of a minotaur chasing me around a labyrinth and when I slew him with a sword, he unraveled into a puddle-like outline. The next day, I vomited all over my grandparents' porch and the vomit puddle was in the exact shape of the minotaur from the dream the night before. Also, we went to Happy Hollow the next day (yes, with me horribly sick and possibly Patient Zero for the impending zombie apocalypse) where they had a labyrinth that I couldn't go into but had to watch my cousins play in while I sat on a bench feeling miserable.

I bet you wish you still wore that gun strapped to your hip, hunh, Green Lantern?

At least Superman was right that some of Earth's heroes would be useless. Like Hawkman, which is totally obvious (totes obvious if you're annoying), and Simon Baz, which is less obvious being that he's a Green Lantern but not so less obvious and more sort of quite obvious when you realize the Green Lantern rings suck ass so far in The New 52. They barely have any effect on anything anymore!

Since Superman and Wonder Woman are the only heroes whose names are on the cover of this comic book, they're the only ones that will be worth a damn in the current fight. But Batman is working behind the scenes to remove the Kryptonite from the air! How about if he just points out that Earth didn't have enough Kryptonite for a Kryptonite bomb that would pollute the entire atmosphere in the first place? Will that work? Can he just call "Continuity Foul" and save the day?

I'm going to qualify this as an official psychic premonition by Eee! Tess Ate Chai Tea! As opposed to simply an association between Charles Soule and Swamp Thing and my lack of observational skills.

The Red Lanterns also make an appearance. But She-Hulk doesn't, for some reason. Sexist!

Apparently a bow and arrow is more effective than a Green Lantern ring. Also, the Gobi Desert is where the Galactic Hero Corps were defeated. Also, Bleez's ass.

In space, hiding behind the moon, Cyborg Superman begins building a Halo. Or a Stargate. Possibly a Space Rectum. But whatever he's building, Steel doesn't think it should be finished. Especially if it's a Space Rectum. So he exits the ship to battle Cyborg Superman. I forget. Did he teach Lana Lang how to land this thing if he's killed?

Back on Earth, Superman is losing the battle against Doomsday. So Wonder Woman arrives to help her boyfriend.

Looks like Ed Benes is taking his turn at the art. I don't actually know if the above panel was by Ed Benes but I see a couple of things in it that arouse my suspicion.

Back behind the moon, Steel gets his ass handed to him even if the artist fucked everything up. But Lana saves his ass only to get her ship's ass shot up by heat vision. And having a shot up ship in a vacuum is probably one of those very bad things unbearable people often talk about. But in all the tragedy, Cyborg delivers some good news!

Condor is down! Repeat, Condor is down! I hope his wounds are mortal! Oh please let his wounds be mortal!

Meanwhile in Action Comics Annual #3, Batman saves the day by removing the Kryptonite from the atmosphere! I can't wait to read how he saves the day! I bet he builds a gigantic Bat-vacuum powered by the grief of losing ones parents at an early age! He probably recruits a bunch of orphans to ride stationary bicycles which channel their grief. And he'll probably name them Robin #4 through Robin #363!

Superman regains control of himself (for now!) and Brainiac's fleet begins to self-destruct because the heroes were just too damn heroic. But the celebrating is fleeting since Cyborg Superman finishes his Space Rectum and out comes The Collector of Worlds! I think. It's Brainiac, right? I don't know. Maybe it's a Space Tape Worm.

Superman Loves Wonder Woman Annual #1 Rating: This annual returned to DC's fine tradition of making annuals essential reading! At least it's essential if you're reading the Doomed story arc. If the other story arc is simply about Batman sucking Kryptonite out of the atmosphere, then that one won't be essential at all! It was only one panel in this comic book and that seemed to work out just fine. I don't need to know the details about how Batman saved the day. It was obvious that he was going to save the day! What else does Batman do with days? Not save them? Come on!

Superman Loves Wonder Woman #10

When did this title become a Macross/DC Elseworlds mashup?

This issue begins with another horribly written article by Lois Lane. Who is writing the Lois Lane articles for the Doomed story arc? Whoever writes the DC All Access Pass page must be writing Lane's articles as well because they are the same kind of appalling! They appall. I am appalled at having read each of her sentences. I will not keep them in my head. Here, take this one back because I don't want it: "Only the outlying areas of the boroughs of Park Ridge and Bakerline were spared, as everything around them literally fell, resulting in massive accidents throughout involving buses, cars, trains and aircraft in the area losing control." While I'm giving them away, take this awkward line as well: "As similar events occurred in Smallville, Kansas, just days ago, everyone is conjecturing what the connection is." How about using "speculating on the connection"? No? Too clear? Well, Lois should at least have used "speculated" later when she repeats "conjecture" because everything is conjecture and this article is shit. And finally, since I'm cleaning out the head space so that I never have to remember this nonsense, take this word from her article: "quesitons". Ugh!

Wait! I was just going to leave it at that but then I thought I'd mention how the only person Lane interviews for her article is some nobody off the street named James Hom who is full of conjecture! But it's conjecture that puts the blame squarely on Superman, so that's good enough for the Daily Planet. Since when did Perry White decide to treat Superman like J. Jonah Jameson treats Spidey?

Currently, Steel and Lana are under attack by Cyborg Superman and his Space Piranha.

Faster than you are? You just flew 99.99% of the way to Jupiter in a few hours!

Maybe Cyborg Superman and his Space Piranha zipped right past because now Steel and Lana are being attacked by Little Brainiac Squid ships. It's also possible I have no clear memory of the things flying along with Cyborg Superman at the end of Action Comics #33. I know that was just last week but I can't be bothered to remember everything, especially when I keep having to dump data like Lois Lane's articles and Roy Harper Narration Boxes written by Scott Lobdell.

It doesn't matter anyway because Superman arrives to smash everything to bits. Space Piranha bits look just like Little Brainiac Squid Ship bits, so if I just wait long enough, it won't matter how I describe them anymore. Although now I'm wondering how Superman got back from Krypton's solar system so quickly!

Back on Earth, the only people left awake in Metropolis are Lois Lane and Wonder Woman. And Lois Lane is a bit questionable since she's now become The Bride of Brainiac. It's a good thing Wonder Woman has keen instincts because she realizes something is wrong with Lois. Her decent eyesight might also have helped with the realization.

So that explains why the articles are so bad. Brainiac has been writing them. It takes more than super intelligence to understand the subtleties and intricacies of a new language.

Lois Lane will probably forget everything she took part in when this story is over because she's totally under Brainiac's control. I wonder how many people use the "I was Mind Controlled!" defense in comic book courtrooms? It's obviously a justifiable defense! I'd probably be mind controlled all the time! "I know I missed curfew by three days, dad, but I couldn't help it! I was mind controlled!"

Lois Lane is still friends with John Corben, also known as Metallo, so she has him attack Wonder Woman. And near Mars, Superman is beginning a battle with Cyborg Superman. Or a conversation. I forgot that this was written by Charles Soule and characters actually speak to each other instead of running around manically swinging their fists and kicking their legs.

Oh well, if Cyborg Superman says it can't be done, why bother trying? Just let Doomsday take over!

Superman Loves Wonder Woman #10 Rating: -1 Ranking. Superman hasn't actually given himself over to Doomsday without first trying to stop Cyborg Superman's fleet, so I can't be upset about that. Yet! But I do have a complaint about Wonder Woman defeating Metallo and then just standing there watching Lois as she flies off (with Metallo's head) to continue with Plan B of her preparation for Brainiac. I suppose I could do the thing comic book companies expect fans to do, and that's to make excuses for the fucked up parts of the plot. If I were a die hard DC fan, I could explain away Wonder Woman's lack of kicking ass by saying she was probably mind controlled just enough to feel too sad about her missing boyfiend to follow Lois Lane. But DC isn't paying me to help write the scripts! So next time you have Wonder Woman decide not to stop somebody as they prepare Earth for invasion, I want a good reason spelled out in fifteen separate Narration Boxes! Of course, I'll have to bitch and whine about the amount of Narration Boxes and extrapolation, but what can you do? You just can't win if what you're trying to win is me being happy with DC Comics. If you want tongue-in-the-asshole amounts of warm fuzzies, maybe you should go check out the evil video reviews put out by C.O.M.I.C.S.V.E.R.S.E. They want to be a part of DC and Marvel's worlds so badly that they'll say anything as long as it makes creators wet and hard. Fucking evil bastards!

Brainiac #1

When you move this cover from side to side, Superman looks like he's doing squat lunges.

Please don't let this be written by Scott Lobdell. I'm reading Trigon next and I'm almost certain that one is written by him. I'm just not sure I can survive reading two Scott Lobdell comic books in a row. Other than my little prayer to whoever might be listening, I have nothing more to say!

It's a miracle! Turns out it's Tony Bedard! Good thing God loves comic books and my sanity.

Looks like The Collector of Worlds and his Terminauts are still on their mission to save examples of cultures that are about to be destroyed by Vyndktvx in his gigantic tantrum across time and space. And according to Scott Lobdell and The Twenty (which is a total ripoff of The 4400, isn't it? Just with less thought put into it because, you know, there are only twenty), the more human looking Brainiac (possibly because it's actually Vril Dox; also possibly it's just the original Brainiac made to look human for infiltration purposes) is looking for intelligent creatures into which to download Coluan egos. So there's a bit of saving culture and a bit of a selfish search and a whole lot of misunderstanding since The Collector of Worlds tends to demolish a lot of shit on each planet as it also steals a tiny city. Because who cares how much destruction happens to a world already in the queue for destruction!

This robot that had its programming taken over by the Brainiac A.I. knows the history of The Collector of Worlds and its battle against Vyndktvx's Multitude, so he relates it to Victoria Viceroy, the woman who built him, so that she may understand exactly what's happening and why she should let it happen unimpeded.

Every fucking planet has a Goddamned Jor-el, don't they?

Vril Dox is caught by his wife experimenting on their kid. Now I don't have kids and never plan on having any, but I'm pretty sure this is a huge no-no. I'm not even sure if I want to know what he's doing judging by that big metal apparatus attached to his son's crotch.

Vril Dox had learned about The Fifth Dimension and the Multitude and how nearly a hundred planets had already been destroyed. His planet was next and the only way to defend against it was by shoving contraptions on the populace's genitalia. It was a desperate gambit but he was positive it was going to work! The only problem was his being convicted of pedophilia and exiled into a Banishment Orb which was shot into space. Well, at least that solved his problem. Now he wouldn't die when Colu was smashed to bits!

These worlds need to stop imprisoning geniuses in prisons of their own designs!

Once Vril Dox turns himself into the multi-orificed head we know and love, and converted his Banishment Orb into an Octobot Prototype, he returns to Yod-Colu to save the world. Actually, he's going to let the world die because he's no Jor-el and there's nothing he can do to save it. But he does plan on saving its culture! And some nice pieces of art. And some of the better video game systems. And, of course, one small city shrunk down to a nice, manageable size. Lucky for his wife and son, he decided to save the city they were currently in.

And then Yod-Colu died.

And that explains why the Brainiac that created Cyborg Superman looked nothing like the crazy centaur thing that tried to take Metropolis.

Brainiac couldn't stop the Multitude even though he was a 12th Level Intelligence. But he soon learned of a man named Jor-el that did stop the Multitude. Which meant Jor-el was smarter than he was. But he also learned that Jor-el died when Krypton was destroyed anyway, not by the Multitude but by some inner core disaster or maybe some clone war or perhaps the weather machines on the surface failed. There have been so many possibilities, I don't think the actual reason for Krypton's destruction has been settled yet.

Brainiac changed his plan now that he knew there was a being like (and better!) than him on Krypton. Now he decided to search every planet for a genius that might help stop the Multitude. And if they can't, he destroys the planet himself. But if they can? Well, he'll probably take the credit for learning how to stop the Multitude and destroy the planet anyway. Then he'll probably only save the rest of the planets if they agree to his rule, since he is a would-be world conqueror.

But before Brainiac destroys the planet with Victoria Viceroy on it, Victoria sends a message detailing Brainiac and his plans which is picked up by the Jor-el of Earth: Doctor Shay Veritas, the Omniologist!

Haven't you heard, big shot? Superman is dead!

Brainiac #1 Rating: It's hard to tell exactly when Dr. Veritas gets this message but I think Superman already knows the danger that Brainiac poses. After all, he did battle one of his incarnations already. And he's currently busy battling The Twenty which are pawns of Brainiac. Anyway, this was a thorough explanation of Brainiac which fit well into the current continuity. But the story didn't make me care much, one way or the other. So it gets a middling ranking of 24. Or something.

Team 7 #5

Here we go again! Got a problem? Shoot it in the face! Problem solved!

Spartan has a couple of pouches on his belt, so I'm guessing he's from the Wildstorm Universe. I'm also guessing that the guy with the pouches on his belt is Spartan! I don't know who the red head is. Maybe it's Barbara Gordon's mother? Whoever it is, my guess is she's part of Team 7's second mission!

The issue begins by informing the reader that the location of the story is The Pacific and the time it takes place is Now. But what does it mean by now? Does that mean concurrent with the other New 52 stories that came out this week? Or does that mean five or more years ago when Team 7 began? These out of time stories are confusing. Since the next page shows Deathstroke infiltrating the ship flying over the Pacific, my guess is that this story actually takes place now. Problem solved and I didn't have to shoot it in the face!

Deathstroke shoots a bunch of problems and then encounters John Lynch who decides they should talk about the past! But the flashback sequence doesn't have either of them in it, so I don't know why they're reminiscing about it. Perhaps it's because Caitlin Fairchild as a teenager is in it and she's working on cybernetics for Team 7. Perhaps they both had illegal crushes on her. Unless she was eighteen. I bet she was eighteen since five years later she'd be twenty three and that seems about the right age for the young Ravagers to think of her as an old person.

Also in their flashback is Dr. Henshaw working on some guy they call Spartan. He seems to be a robot but I don't know where he came from. They don't seem to completely understand how he works, so I don't think they created him. And everybody keeps dropping Dr. Stone's name as well. Maybe Spartan is a Cyborg prototype.

Slade and Alex Fairchild have a bit of an intimate chat over beer. Nobody gets shot. Then Black Canary confronts John Lynch about what the fuck he means to do with Team 7 besides get them killed.

This is his answer. Stop jerks from using kids that can mutilate other kids as weapons.

So John Lynch began Team 7 because he was afraid of people with super powers. No wait! That's not true! He began Team 1 because he was afraid of people with super powers! But I guess everyone in Team 1 died just like Black Canary is afraid is going to happen to her and her teammates. She has a right to be worried though, right?! They are Team 7! Lynch has managed to kill six other whole teams! But what Black Canary is really worried about is that Lynch has begun experimenting on the members of Team 7 in Project Majestic. He's changing them and giving them super powers so that they can effectively combat super powered threats. That's probably a good idea seeing as how they only had bullets on their first mission and those weren't very effective.

The last part of their memory was about Caitlin Fairchild walking in on the cybernetic lab to find that it was changing everyone into cyborgs. Or Spartan was changing everyone into cyborgs. Something was changing everything into cyborgs, anyway! Since the cover declares Spartan was attacking, my guess is he's the one changing everybody.

And then it's back to the present where Deathstroke tries to solve his John Lynch problem the only way members of Team 7 know how! Remember? We've been over this a few times already!

Did Caitlin die? Is the current Caitlin Fairchild a clone? Is that what the Gen 13 project was all about? Clones? Seriously. I don't know! I never read Gen 13!

Whatever happened long ago, whatever possibly killed Caitlin, also killed an entire country, according to Lynch. I don't know what country. Probably Markovia or some other made up DC country. But whatever did it (Spartan, probably!), it's coming back and Lynch needs Deathstroke to help stop it. So I guess next issue will tackle Slade killing it in the present and Team 7 getting their asses kicked by it in the past.

Team 7 #5 Rating: -1 Ranking. I just found this entire issue rather boring. I think I lost interest in Team 7 three issues ago!