Justice League of America Wedding Special #1 (November 2007)

Take one look at this cover and you can instantly guess why I bought it. Yep! Dwayne McDuffie!

When I first found this issue at a garage sale a few weeks back, I first thought this was a wedding between Wonder Woman and Black Canary. Okay, maybe "thought" is the wrong word; "hoped" is more like it. But then I was wondering, "Why is Superman the only guy on the cover?" But now I've just noticed the cake and am assuming this is the Hen Do (or as my boring country call it: a bachelorette party) and Superman is the stripper. Wonder Woman's almost certainly not getting married so this must be a big Green Arrow/Black Canary affair. Or maybe Babs is marrying Dick? I have no idea who was fucking whom in the DC Universe in 2007.

This issue is also marked as "Countdown 33" along the UPC symbol so I guess it's part of the lead up to, um, something? Infinite Crisis? 52? Oh wait. Final Crisis, right? What happened in that one? Did Geoff Johns appear on panel and say, "I think we've had enough of these crises. Let's never do anything like this again." And then the final page was a close up of his face as he's winking.

The issue begins at some kind of anti-wedding where The Joker has a definite in-canon boner.

We can't see it but if a heterosexual man is staring at a large feline's tits with the possibility that it could lead to getting his throat slashed, he's got a boner.

Sometimes I make sweeping generalizations about men because I assume we all think alike. I probably shouldn't do that because it makes me sound like a fucking Men's Right Activist who thinks just because he has the most horrible misogynistic thoughts that every male has them. Although I think I'll stand by the assumption I made in that caption. No way does it just describe me and my boners!

I wonder which Joker this is? It's important to my concept of the stupid fucking idea that there have always been three Jokers and the small things that differentiate them. Which one uses the term "funbags" when referring to women?

Yes, I understand that when this was written, only one Joker existed. But if DC wants me to be a huge continuity nerd, they need to allow me to retcon all of their retcons into every single thing I read by them. Also, I don't know about all of their retcons so is there only one Joker now? Maybe six Jokers? I don't know! I'm working with limited knowledge here, funbags!

Dwayne McDuffie may be dead but he still has the power to get me slapped when I go out into the world tomorrow and start liberally calling women "funbags". Does The Joker consider women "funbags" because they're just flesh bags of blood and guts waiting for him to slice up? Or is it because they're "fun" in sleeping "bags"? Oh no! I just realized he meant Cheetah's tits!

Lex, The Joker, and Cheetah are discussing members for a new Injustice League. Lex suggests Dr. Light and Cheetah responds with "He's a rapist and a murderer." Also a pedophile, no? But Lex has a rejoinder to that:

This is why he's the smartest man on Earth.

Cheetah is so won over by Lex's argument that she excitedly adds Dr. Light's photo to the recruitment folder.

I know I just scanned in a pic but she looks so adorable when she's excited about letting a child murdering rapist on the team!

I just noticed something else so forgive another scan so soon. Or does this many scans with far less of my rambling bullshit make for a better review? No, no! Don't tell me!

Lex has an Infinity Gauntlet?

Well now that I've scanned nearly every bit of art from the first three pages, I should turn the page and maybe scan all the other pages in? Would you want that? Just have me shut up and just pirate the entire comic? Hmm. I bet you would.

Cheetah adds Dr. Light's picture to a pile of villains that I'm assuming they're going to try to recruit: Prankster, Eclipso, Atrocitus or the Anti-Monitor or, um, fuck if I know. Some guy with a big red angry face.

Fuck it. Fine! Here's page four as well without any lewd commentary from me since Dwayne and Mike have done all the lewd commentary themselves by making the strippers Marvel characters.

Who's the broke-ass guy unable to pay the strippers? Blue Beetle?

The guy who thought Ollie would love a bunch of Marvel strippers only to learn at the last second that Ollie is super gay is Hal Jordan. The other guy helping to prepare the party is Speedy so you know it's going to get fucking wild. Or is everybody fucked up on heroin in a hotel room the opposite of wild? Everyone just sort of passes out blissfully and then can't shit for eight days, right?

Roy points out that the hotel is surrounded by paparazzi who have been tipped off about Oliver Queen's bachelor party. Probably by Lex Luthor. Nobody can attend without risking their secret identities being exposed so they move the party to the Hall of Justice where Batman and John Stewart are already preparing the spiked punch and sex-toy-filled piñata. Because Batman already knew this was going to happen. Hal's annoyed that Batman's so smart and he's so stupid but then again Hal's always fucking annoyed with something. That's probably why Parallax was able to make a nice cushy home in his head for so long.

Later at the party, Ollie's a dick and John's stupid.

John's stupid because even though he did do the decorations, Ollie's compliment has to be sarcastic being that the only fucking decoration is a banner that reads, "Congratulations Ollie You Gay Bro Where Are The Strippers?"

Sorry, I take back everything I said. There seem to be a smattering of green and white balloons. About seven in total across the entire fucking Hall of Justice. Maybe Ollie really loves a minimalist look. He does shoot arrows, after all. How much more minimalist can a hero get?

As the party really gets rocking with exciting stuff like Red Tornado listening to Guy Gardner brag about who the fuck knows what and Oberon trying to avoid Plastic Man, Oliver Queen gets called gay by somebody other than me.

Try to ignore that the letterer fucked up and made Ollie say Roy's dialogue. Just pay attention to 2007's Connor Hawke's '80s insult using a scale from the '40s.

Pretty sure if McDuffie had wanted to write Connor's dialogue more realistically and less hilariously and academically and intelligently, he should have had him just say, "You gay, bro." Like on the banner!

For some reason there's a "meanwhile" that doesn't concern Black Canary or Green Arrow's party. Instead it's about Firestorm walking into a trap set by Killer Frost.

Killer Frost is all, "Fuck the funbags window. I'm going for an outer thigh window! And maybe a large hunk of my ass to boot!"

This comic came out in 2007. At that time, it's been four years since I'd read a DC comic book. So I have no idea why Jason Rusch is Firestorm with a woman named Gehenna in his head. Lex Luthor, The Joker, and Cheetah interrupt Firestorm and Killer Frost's fight. They do this by killing Firestorm. I'll assume he's actually dead because I don't have any comics after this to prove me wrong even though he's got Gehenna in his head and she's probably alive and she can probably still use Jason's powers when he's dead. The Injustice League recruit Killer Frost and head back to their Darth Vader head in the swamp where their other recent recruits await.

They've been busy!

How good can this Legion of Doom be without Lobo? I'm not even interested in them anymore.

And then the comic book finally moves on to the reason I bought it: Dinah Lance's hen do! Oh! Maybe that's where Lobo is! Can you think of a better stripper?

I'm going to assume that's Lobo on the dance floor dancing with Vixen.

One of the strippers informs Wonder Woman that his sister's a nurse and just let him know that Firestorm showed up in the ER and is about to die. Wonder Woman ignores him and paws at his loin cloth and saying, "Show me your mortal organ, Dance Boy!" No, wait. Wonder Woman is more responsible than that. As a reviewer, I should learn to concentrate on what's in the story and stop wishing for what I want it to be. Instead, Wonder Woman alerts Batman and hopes he doesn't show up to the ER covered in glitter and lubricant from the genitals of a sexy woman smeared all over his cowl.

Batman takes Speedy with him to investigate the scene of the crime. But this was all in Lex's plan! They know Batman will go investigate. They know Wonder Woman will go to the hospital to check on Firestorm. So they send attack squads to both places to ambush the heroes. The Joker and Fatality arrive to defeat Batman and Speedy (also Geoforce who, I guess, got there before Batman somehow. Maybe in a different comic?). Cheetah, Killer Frost, and Doctor Light arrive at the hospital to defeat Wonder Woman and Hawkwoman. But they let Hawkwoman get away to go lure the rest of the League in to battle. Hawkwoman crashes Ollie's bachelor party and says, "Lex and Cheetah and The Joker and Killer Frost and Doctor Light are all working together. And where are the strippers? You gay, bro?"

Justice League of America Wedding Special #1 Rating: A. This was a lot of fun with a lot of heroes and villains (my weakness!). Is this how much fun DC Comics were as a whole in the Two Thousand Oughts? I missed out on the best stuff DC was doing in the last forty years, didn't I? Should I go back and buy all of the comics that I missed?! Who wants to loan my a few million dollars?

Superman #15

Yay! Earth 13's Superdemon!

• This issue begins on Earth 14. That's special because Earth 14 was a mystery until now! Previously it had been theorized by geniuses in the theorization game that Earth 14 was where the Monitors did their sexual experiments. But today, we find out that it's home to the Justice League of Assassins! I don't think they know the difference between justice and vengeance. Somebody should show them the after-school special, "Bloodlust Justice."

• The following statement is obvious but I thought I should say it because you probably wouldn't think it on your own even though you'll realize how obvious it is when you read it. Earth 14 Aquaman is way cooler than Earth 0 Aquaman. He's got a mohawk and a laser eye and a shark's jaw around his neck. I bet he even has better powers like forcing sea life to murderfuck his targets.

• The Justice League of Assassins manage to kill all of the Gatherers that have come for them. But then Prophecy shows up and obliterates them in one gesture. That guy is the most powerful character in the Multiverse, I bet! After Harvest, of course!

• After realizing what has happened to Earth 14's Justice League, Preboot Superman comes up with a plan. Collect all the remaining Supers from all the other Earths and protect them in the Orrery of Worlds. I didn't say it was a complex plan. It's not like Batman came up with it.

• They collect Superdemon from Earth 13, Nazi Superman from Earth 10, Superman from the Batman Beyond Earth 12, Wild West Bison-headed Superman of Earth 18, and legacy Superman from Earth 16. They probably pick up some more but they don't have time to show scenes from all 37 Earths that still have Supers on them.

• The next step in Preboot Superman's plan is to get caught. That's because they don't know where Prophecy lives. Probably on Earth 24 or 25 or 27 or 28 or 46 or 49. If it isn't any of those Earths then it's an entirely new dimension! Crazy!

• Preboot Superman's plan works! And we finally get a look at Prophecy!

He's kind of boring. I guess the broken sword gives him some character. And the flaming head. But the wide floppy mouth just makes him look silly. And the lines on his inseam make it look like he has a boner.

The Ranking!
No change! I did like seeing all the different worlds but not much else happened. And why introduce me to the Justice League of Assassins just to wipe them out? Why couldn't Earth 0 Aquaman have been replaced by Earth 14 Aquaman?

Hal Jordan and the Green Lantern Corps #10

"I can't wait to fuck you, my dear."

The Review!
Currently, Brainiac 2.0 is cataloging his new additions to his collection.

Meeee-OW!

While Brainiac 2.0 shakes his bottle full of fireflies, Ganthet discusses the resurrection plans for Hal Jordan with Kyle Rayner and my Aunt posts racist memes to Facebook.

My response: "This is vile and disgusting. Do you really want these kinds of ignorant, racist memes to be a representation of who you are?"

Hal Jordan isn't completely dead. He's just mostly dead. The alive part of him is the ring he forged out of pure will. The dead part of him is hanging out with Abin Sur in the Emerald Space. The Emerald Space is the heavenly reward for Green Lanterns who died in battle, if you consider forever wandering a dark space with green fog a "reward."

In the Emerald Space, Hal meets up with a bunch of Lanterns who died a long time ago. I think I recognize Ch'p who was run over by a space truck. And Tomar-Re who was easily replaced by Tomar-Tu and nobody really noticed (so much so that it might be the other way around). And, I think, Jack T. Chance although I don't know how he died. Lobo probably decided he was too derivative of him.

Oh, Katma Tui is also there although I barely remember her. The most I can remember is her last name is Tui and only after Hal called her Katma. I bet she's seen Hal's penis.

Abin Sur tells Hal that he must bring hope back to the universe. I guess he needs to find that sperm-headed guy, Saint Walker. After Hal gets his quest, he's pulled out of the afterlife by Kyle. They hug it out which totally means, in those get-ups, that they felt their penises touch.

Meanwhile, the Grand Collector turns out to be Larfleeze. Who would have guessed?! Probably a huge Green Lantern fan, really. I mean, I didn't guess. I even saw Larfleeze on the cover of the next issue and I didn't make the connection!

The Ranking!
No change! It looks like it's time to reform the Green Lantern Mythological Universe! The Green Lantern Corps are back, the Sinestro Corps have settled down, the Guardians have returned, Kyle Rayner is back from helping? Not helping? the Omega Men, smeghead Saint Walker is on his way back, and Larfleeze has returned from the silly world of Giffen and DeMatteis. Everything's coming up Lanterns!

Green Lanterns #8

I want to punch these children in the face.

The Ranking!
-1! Two major problems in this story ruined it for me completely! First, Jess and Si seem to be able to communicate with each other through the Narration Boxes. That's fucking annoying. Plus they're talking directly to the reader through the Narration Boxes which is double fucking annoying. That's still part of the first problem though. The second problem is that the jerk kids riding their bikes around on Halloween who laugh at the rookie Green Lanterns don't throw their rotten eggs at Si and Jess. What the hell?! Instead they change their opinion on them! They're cheering for them at the end of the comic book! They're calling them badass just because they captured two guys who, for all the kids knew, were just idiots in Dominator costumes. What kind of troublemaker misses a chance to wing a rotten egg at a Green Lantern?! Those kids were the worst.

No wait! I've changed my mind! Not about the kids but about how many problems this story had! Another problem was the way it ended. On the final page, it's revealed that a guy with an AK-47 is driving to Dearborn, Michigan, to get his hands on the Phantom Ring. Who is this guy? How does he know about the Phantom Ring? I suspect those two questions are supposed to encourage the reader to pick up the next issue. But you know what would really encourage me to pick up the next issue if I were a casual reader? Reveal the identity of the person coming after the ring! I have to assume that the person's identity is boring and lame or else why wouldn't they reveal it? Just think how exciting it would be to know Deathstork were coming after the ring? Or Stillbirth?! Remember Stillbirth?! No wait! His name was Deadborn! Holy shit? Wouldn't that be great if Deadborn were coming for the ring?!

Dammit! Now I'm excited about the next issue even though Sam Humphries did the thing I hate most where a writer chooses to hide a fact to get people interested when writers really should be revealing facts to keep people interested! But then, I'm just going to be disappointed because why would any writer bring back Deadborn? I bet comic books written by Rob Liefeld aren't even allowed to be discussed in DC's offices.

Please, please, please be Deadborn! The guy in this comic book has the same gun that Deadborn had! I mean, I know it's a common assault rifle to use but it's possible, right?!

Green Lanterns #4

Once again, this comic book has way too many artists working on it. The cover says seven but the credits page lists eleven. I'm not an expert but I think that indicates a problem.

The Review!
This comic book isn't as bad as I'll make it seem in the following commentary. But I've declared I will never again complain about the thing that I complain about in the following commentary. I'm practicing not complaining about it right now! I'm using Green Lantern levels of will not to talk about it! It's not even that big a deal, really. It's just a little pet peeve I have that apparently nobody else has which is why comic books are so Goddamned fucking terrible now! I mean, um, it's not a problem at all! No big deal! It's not even like it's something new! People do it all the time and have for decades! It can even be used to good affect when done well and by a writer I have declared an oath of undying fealty for. But Sam Humphries has yet to impress me in a way that would keep his use of those things I don't complain about anymore from bothering me at all.

The Commentary!
I didn't hate this comic book when it began. I didn't even hate it three issues later when Simon Baz and Jessica Cruz kept speaking directly to the reader. I didn't want to hate a person I've never met before and who will likely never have any effect on my life ever. I didn't want to but here I am. I hate Sam Humphries. He broke me and this is the Narration Box that did it:

"Hello, Simon! I'm Tess, the meanest comic book critic ever!"

It was cute last issue when Jess thought, "OMG I am the worst Green Lantern." It was cute because she thought it just moments after Bleez threw her through an office building. It is not cute this issue when Simon Baz thinks the same thing. Not just because Sam Humphries already used this line since I can kind of understand how he's using it on purpose to compare the two new recruits and their ultimate lack of self-confidence in their ability to do this job. They both offer up a strong facade but are terribly concerned that they will fail Earth. What pisses me off about this moment is that goddamned fucking "Hello!" Who the fuck does he think he is? Larry of Larry, Daryl, and Daryl? Lenny and/or Squiggy? Some character who says "Hello!" when coming on scene but whom young people would recognize?! Hell, he's not even one of those characters because at least those characters were saying "Hello!" to other fucking characters. They didn't look at the camera and acknowledge the audience and wave and wink.

I don't know what to fucking do. This kind of shit has become such a standard trope in comic books that nobody cares or notices. Hell, I think the majority of people like this stupid shit. But then the majority of people are assholes and morons who think they're way smarter than they really are. They want heroes to tell them everything inside the hero's stupid head. Stories in third person which remain outside of the character's mind are just way too ambiguous. And how would a comic book like this work without being privy to all of Jess's and Si's thoughts, right?! We have to see how they think so we can compare and contrast their styles and attitudes! No way we could have any opinion on the two of them without knowing every thought in their stupid fucking heads. I mean, look at The X-Files? It didn't do that and it was complete and utter shit, right?

Of course it wasn't, asshole. That was the point. Now get the fuck off of my lawn while I read this rest of this comic book I already know will be garbage because I'm only on page one and it's put me in a terribly foul mood.

Maybe I'm a Red Lantern!

Simon and Jessica plunge into the Hell Tower which is actually the opposite of a tower. Maybe Atrocitus thought The Hell Well was too cutesy. Jessica has been infected with the Rage so she isn't working with Simon. Usually that wouldn't be a big deal because one Green Lantern is as good as two Green Lanterns, right? But remember how Hal Jordan insured that there would be easy tension and drama by forcing Si and Jess to share a battery? Remember how they could only recharge their rings together? Yeah, remember that caveat and conundrum? Well, guess what? You get a Mini-Grandmaster Comic Book Reader Ribbon if you guessed Simon's ring is running out of juice! Oh, Green Lantern comic book! You never fail to make me think, "What am I doing with my fucking life?"

Simon only has 2.2% charge left in his ring which is ridiculous because I'm constantly being reminded that the Green Lantern ring is the greatest weapon in the entire universe. And yet the stupid thing is constantly low on charge when it's most needed. I guess Simon is going to have to destroy the Hell Well with his pistol.

Meanwhile in Dearborn, Michigan, Simon's relatives are bickering because there's a Bohemian Guardian of the Universe in the pantry. He reveals he's as nutty as the other Bohemian Guardians even though he's of a different variety. I don't know where Kyle's Bohemian Guardians wound up. This Guardian finally reveals the name of the ring he brought with him: The Phantom Ring! It sounds so mysterious! And probably not real. This guy is kind of crazy. But he also knows a secret about why Earth suddenly needed two new Green Lanterns when they already had five or six times more than any other planet in the entire universe. But all of that stuff probably won't be revealed until The Hell Well is destroyed.

Simon's ring didn't have enough energy to do a med scan of Jessica or to find a nearby lost teddy bear. But it does have enough energy to do that impossible healing thing Simon Baz does! I'm totally enthusiastically smiling and excited about this revelation! Really I am!

How many more stupid pages is this stupid comic book that's stupid?

Jessica begins to feel less angry and decides to quit. Good! If you quit then Simon has to quit because he can't use the battery without you and then I never have to read this comic book again! If there's even the slightest possibility I might read another Narration Box where a character says hello directly to me, it's worth shutting down this entire series.

Stop it! Stop trying to talk her out of it! Let her quit! Put me out of my misery!

See? These two don't have the confidence that they want everybody to believe they have. Not that I had to put any thought into this comic book to reach that conclusion. All the thinking was done for me! Narration Boxes are the equivalent of those rails that keep the kiddie cars on the tracks at places like Disneyland. They're the bumpers in bumper bowling. They're the cliff notes published in the margins of the book the notes are for. They're the red hot pokers and bamboo slivers jammed under my fingernails. And they're so ubiquitous that I'm bored ranting about them. I'll never fucking mention them again because it seems like all I write about lately. I wish something that mattered would make my blood boil the way these shitty Narration Boxes do!

Jess and Si patch up their differences, recharge their rings, and climb out of The Hell Well. Waiting for them at the top of the well are Atrocitus and his Red Lanterns. Surprisingly, they don't immediately kill Simon and Jessica. Instead, Atrocitus tells them he'll let one of them live. That one will be the one who kills the other Green Lantern. Nice try, Atrocitus! But they just got the whole good guys battling each other thing out of their system this issue. Next issue is way too soon for another physical confrontation between the two Green Lanterns! I mean, I know Si and Jess are going to wind up fighting each other many times across this series. But they can't do it every single issue!

One of the Red Lanterns with Atrocitus is Zilius Zox. How come nobody remember he died in Red Lanterns Annual #1?! This isn't the first time he's been back after dying which probably explains why he's still around. Because somebody else fucked up and brought him back and now nobody realizes he was killed. Oh well. This is Rebirth, after all! It's as good a time as any to declare Zilius Zox's death was exaggerated.

Green Lanterns Rebirth #1

The pseudo-monocle makes Jessica feel classy.

The Review!
The new Green Lanterns book is going to be all about teamwork! But not good teamwork! Oh no! This is more like your homophobic uncle in a three legged race with your campy brother-in-law! It's going to be full of fireworks between the good guys! That's the kind of exciting drama that really sells comic books. Who wants to read about heroes getting along? Fuck that nonsense! Imagine heroes striving for a peaceful world while actually being kind and peaceful to their peers? Ludicrous! Although since Simon and Jessica are, presumably, heterosexual and of opposite sexes, there might actually be a Moonlighting vibe being set up in this book. Will they or won't they? Ooh! I'm all in a quiver from the tense hate-love soon to be bred between these too! Nothing more romantic than a good hate-fuck! I hope they have racist sex talk while fucking! "Bomb my vagina, you terrorist!" "Tend to my garden, you...wait. You are Portuguese, right?"

The Commentary!
I was just thinking, "Earth doesn't have enough of a disproportionate amount of Green Lanterns in the universe!" So thank goodness for this book! I suppose Earth deserves more Green Lanterns than other planets because the creatures of other planets tend to be homogenized. Earth has people of different sexes and religions and cultures and races and intelligence levels and fashion senses and sexualities! It's as if every other planet in the DC Universe has been modeled incorrectly! Why is Earth so different?! Occasionally you'll have a planet elsewhere in the DC Universe that has two warring factions but that's about it. Or if the planet has many different types of humanoids, it's usually because they're all off-planet visitors and most of them are thugs and/or assassins. But while making Lobo a Green Lantern pretty much represents Czarnia (I mean, the females were practically just like the males anyway, if I'm going to judge by Sheba (who only made one brief appearance in the New 52 but it was enough for me to judge her as simply the female Lobo!)), Earth can have a white jock Lantern and a white dick Lantern and a black architect (who is also a marine!) Lantern and a white comic book artist lantern and a Muslim gun-toting Lantern and a Hispanic female Lantern, and Earth still needs more representation in its Lanterns! Fucking Earth. What a pain in the ass. I won't be happy until there's an Australian Aboriginal Lantern. Who better to manipulate the Light Energy than a master of the Dreamtime?

This issue begins with a Red Lantern cataloging the different human Lanterns like I just did! I should have just read the first page before starting my commentary because then I could have simply replaced that first paragraph with a scan! My guess is the Red Lantern narrating the book is Bleez because I think I read in some advertisement or back-up feature that Bleez was going to cause trouble in the Green Lanterns' world. I would rather it be Dex-Starr since Dex is also from Earth. Dex deserves to be in this book as much as any other Earth Lantern!

Currently, one of the last remaining Guardians--probably one of the Bohemian ones since Sinestro killed the mainstream ones--is being chased through space by a bunch of Dominators. He carries a box with a new ring inside of it! I wonder what color this one will be. Will it be the fabled Magenta Ring of my imagination?! The one destined to be worn by a tween girl into ponies and roleplaying?! Oh! Maps should get to wear it! I don't know if she's into ponies but I can let that part of the prophecy go if Maps suddenly wore the most powerful weapon in all of creation, the Magenta Ring!

The Guardian is headed to Earth with his new ring that, according to its display of power, has a whole new symbol! Probably the Magenta symbol. Hopefully the secret will be revealed before this comic book ends. I have my doubts because Geoff Johns is the co-writer. So it might take anywhere from five to ten years to discover what this is all about. Then again, Johns isn't writing the regular Green Lanterns book, so he might want to make sure the secret gets revealed this issue so he can take credit for how amazing it is.

Jessica Cruz and Simon Baz have yet to meet but since they're the main characters of this comic book, it's time to change that.

Has Simon even spent enough time around Guy to feel this way about him? He's been relegated to the background's background since the day after he first made his debut.

I think Simon Baz suffered from the Comic Book News Cycle. That's when everybody explodes in a flurry of opinions over the report of what a comic book will be up to in three months only to have the actual event greeted by silence and yawns. So DC announced they were going to have a Muslim Green Lantern months before he appeared, everybody had their little insignificant Internet reactions, and then months later he appeared and everybody had already moved on to the next thing they could accuse DC of mismanaging.

The crashed ship the Green Lanterns are investigating houses a Manhunter! Oh no! Did you know that no man escapes the Manhunters?! I hope Jessica Cruz doesn't use that tired fucking thing where she'll be all, "But I'm no man!" As if we don't all understand what the Manhunter means by the all-encompassing term of "man". Stop winning major battles due to semantics, women!

Of course the Manhunter attacks! Why do you think it's called a Manhunter? I mean, I guess Martian Manhunter has the same name and he doesn't go around attacking men (and women!) willy nilly.

Why does that deserve a warning? The Green Lanterns get power boosts from Blue Lanterns all the time and everything is hunky-dory!

Hal Jordan appears to deactivate the Manhunter after it sort of beats Baz and Cruz. Hal sent it as a surprise training operation. What a dick! Also, I guess Hal is a Green Lantern again and not a renegade. I'm sure I'll eventually read the book that straightened that out. Maybe the end of Oblivion? Or whichever Rebirth book is about Hal Jordan. Or maybe I just have to accept it as part of the new normal.

Hal Jordan doesn't like how Simon and Jessica bicker. I don't either! How dare Simon judge Guy Gardner and then act exactly like him, demanding seniority and declaring himself the main Green Lantern of Earth! Hal Jordan merges their Power Batteries so that they have to recharge their rings together. I don't know if that's just asking for future trouble or it's super kinky.

Being rookies, Simon and Jessica need training. But since the Corps is still missing and Sinestro is still causing problems for Hal, the two new Lanterns will need some help from the Justice League.

How come Wonder Woman has to be turned away from the reader's gaze? Oh wait! I know why! Because Ed Benes is drawing this and he saw a good ass opportunity!

The Narrator is Atrocitus who has plans for Earth, something called Red Dawn. There's always some stupid prophecy with a stupid name ready to rear its ugly head in the world of the Green Lanterns, especially when Geoff Johns is writing. Dex-Starr makes a cameo at the end but the Guardian's secret new ring of power is never unveiled. Of course it isn't! Don't expect to know what that's about for at least another year!

Superman Loves Wonder Woman #28

The Review or Whatever!
If there were a machine that could give a person immortality but it only works 50% of the time while disintegrating the person the other 50% of the time, would you use it? Let's say it causes the person to be exactly as they are forever at the moment they use the machine. So do you risk it while you're still in your twenties and in your physical prime? Or do you gamble, year after year, that you won't die before getting a chance to gain immortality? Or do you just never use it at all? That's a pretty shitty percentage, isn't it? I suppose I could have made the percentage higher since it's just an imaginary machine I made up in my head but that didn't happen! What if you have a significant other or children? Say you survive the machine and are now immortal. Do you ask your spouse to take that chance as well? You've got a fifty/fifty chance at eternal happiness or eternal sorrow! Although, let's face it, the eternal happiness probably won't last more than ten, twenty years before you're wishing the machine killed them, right?

Since it's an imaginary machine, I can't answer the question myself. It's too difficult. I would definitely be afraid to use it! I'd probably keep putting it off until I eventually fall off of a ladder and break my neck. Stupid machine. How dare you taunt me with immortality!

Although what good is immortality if, some day, the sun is just going to consume the Earth? I suppose even with our current technology, we could leave the planet. If you're immortal, who cares how long it takes to get anywhere! Although I imagine everybody would be really cold and hungry by the time we got somewhere. Or we'd crash into a star. Or be destroyed by interstellar flotsam. Or fall into a black hole. I suppose the immortality wouldn't provide invulnerability as well, so I guess when you finally just get tired of living and you've read every book ever and had been disappointed by the last five thousand new Call of Duty games, you could just put a bullet in your brain. Coward!

None of that has anything to do with Superman Loves Wonder Woman although I could ask Superman the same question since he's currently dying. Wonder Woman has just found out, so she probably wants to get one last fuck in. I imagine that's going to be the plot of this issue not because it's called "Last Kiss" but because Ed Benes is doing the art for it. I'm sure he wouldn't have taken the job if he wasn't going to be able to draw Wonder Woman's tits flopping all over the place.

Technically, Wonder Woman killed Superman! Superman has to die because DC Comics wrote themselves into a corner by having Superman date Wonder Woman! Now they can't figure out what to do with this mess so they have to kill him and let the Superman who's with Lois take over. Because that's something everybody can live with.

Wonder Woman asks Clark if he loves her and he pulls that trick where he kisses her as an answer so that he doesn't actually have to answer. What a dog! During the kiss, both Lois and Steve Trevor radio the heroes to tell them there's a Superman wannabe being held at ARGUS. Awkward!

When Superman and Wonder Woman get to ARGUS, Superman explains his Solar Flare power to anybody who knew to avoid reading Superman comic books during that time. Although those were probably the best Superman stories since Morrison's run on Action Comics. The Solar Flare power will probably be important to this story later which is why the reminder of what it is and how it works. Maybe it'll even save Clark's life but leave him powerless forever! So then Lois and Clark Superman will continue to be Superman but with Clark Kent still existing and writing terrible op ed pieces on Superman.

Superman decides to go speak with Ulysses because he won't have any answers. Why should he? Just because Fake Superman glows like Superman's Solar Power discharge and Ulysses was the first person covered with it? Oh, what am I saying? This is a comic book! Of course Ulysses will have some insight into what's going on! He probably walked around for a few days thinking he was Superman himself!

While Superman speaks with Ulysses, Fake Superman escapes from his cell. It's the moment Ed Benes was waiting for!

Oh yeah. Those are totally Ed Benes breasts.

Due to Fake Superman's escape, ARGUS loses power which allows Ulysses to get free. He takes it as a sign to get back to the fight against Superman which was interrupted by Superman's stupid new power. He just about kills Superman before Steve Trevor (being the only person working at ARGUS, I guess) restores the power by flipping a switch that instantly fixes whatever Fake Superman broke. Unless it just starts up the backup generator. Probably that one.

Fake Superman escapes but Ulysses is caught powerless again. He decides that's okay though because he realizes Superman is dying and that revelation totally makes his shitty life better.

Convergence #6

The New 52 to the rescue!

If it weren't for Superman being on this cover, I'd believe that everybody was falling into a large, gaping, poorly wiped butthole. But Superman makes me believe that they can fly. Supergirl actually looks like she's falling down and her screaming face helps sell it. Lex just looks like he's trying to catch space debris in his mouth. Those rocks must be made of kryptonite.

For the last five issues, things have been converging. They were really converging well and the converging seemed to be speeding up. I imagine the converging will continue with this issue and it will converge into a frothing convergence of convergy convergence by the end of the next issue culminating in a convergence of convergimate convergences in the epic last issue. Unless there's a huge twist! Maybe things won't converge at all. What if they wind up...diverging?!

I see Scott Lobdell is back in the credits so I'm preparing myself for some really crappy characterizations. But Ed Benes is drawing, so I've also got my dick in my hand. Here come the over-sized boobies and sexually charged poses! Look! Here's one right on the first page!

Oh yeah! Bend over, Cyborg! Bend over like Beckham!

Cyborg isn't really bending over. He's actually kind of squatting. But that's still sexy because I'm picturing him doing it over a glass coffee table.

When Batman was asking J'onn about whatever he's witnessed and he says, "You and your team have traveled across the universe and back," I assumed Batman was talking about Stormwatch. That's a team that will make your eyelids catch fire when they describe the things they've seen. But Batman is talking about Justice League Canada. Seriously, Batman? You're going to get your news from that chicken little outfit?

Is that a saying? "Chicken Little Outfit"? It sounds like a fast food restaurant. Now I want Popeyes.

Justice League Canada's weekly hockey game has been interrupted by a strange planet forcing its way into The New 52 Universe. Superman and Supergirl are also there to witness the cosmic birth. Or cosmic bowel movement. Tomayto, tomahto.

The Red Lanterns have also stopped by, even the dead ones like Zilius Zox! That stupid ass Oracle that Lobdell created has also come by to watch and probably say nothing and do even less. Why is that character still being used in the DC Universe?! It's fucking--and I have to say this no matter how much flack I get for it because nobody has come up with a word that means the same thing but without the inherent insult toward the mentally handicapped--retarded. And since nobody has given me an equitable word, I think we need to agree that the word "retarded" means something totally stupidly fucking fucked up and nothing else. Here's a crazy idea! Stop letting language tell us what to do! We make the fucking rules here! Language isn't in the saddle riding mankind! Mankind is in the saddle riding mankind!

*sigh* She's my girlfriend.

On the first page (you can look at it yourself because I scanned it), the story begins with "Our Universe. Now." But that has no meaning because all of the Red Lanterns are there and hanging out and being a team and not worrying about the ones that should be dead (this being, you know, now). The Guardians of the Universe are watching the heroes watching the planet instead of laying around all murdered by Sinestro. So this is some weird kind of definition of "now" that's beyond my comprehension. I said earlier that language doesn't rule us but we do, at first, need to have some kind of consensus before we change it. First we begin with a nomination like I did earlier. "I nominate that we allow 'retarded' to mean what we want it to mean without a bunch of feelings getting hurt because we've moved the horrible definition of 'retarded' to...let's say...kumquat! If somebody calls you a kumquat, you should get super duper bent out of shape about it and wag your finger like crazy and feel eminently superior to the person who actually used that word! Any seconds?!" But you can't just begin calling people kumquats and expect them to get offended until we've had the caucus and made a decision about the change! King and Lobdell have just gone with their own definition of the word 'now' and it's got me completely befuddled!

The planet is, of course, Planet Brainiac. And it's got an offer for enrollment which The New 52 just can't refuse! Although they already did refuse it five years from now in Futures End. So I guess Planet Brainiac wants to show them what they're missing and bring Multiversal Thunderdome to their doorstep.

Meanwhile Deimos has given the citizens of all of the cities on Telos one hour to allow him to rule them. I don't think it's a legitimate offer though because he tells Yolanda that he's just going to use their deaths to begin a new Deimos-themed universe. Everybody will have boring white nerd goatees and collars that poke out more eyes than childhood toys.

So I'm guessing something will happen this issue that will reverberate through the week's Convergence titles? Maybe they'll get Deimos's offer in the next ten issues I read.

The Earth Twofers stumble upon the Teen Titans who just got their asses kicked by the Extremists. Again! I can't believe they're worse than Justice League International! And Changeling's jokes aren't as funny either!

Pacifist Superman has completely forgotten that he's pacifist now because he's flown right in to beat the crap out of Lord Havok. I think it's like a game of Chinese Telephone (unless that's racist! Why was it called Chinese Telephone (Chinese Whispers to you other racists around the world!) in the first place? I bet because it was racist!) where each subsequent writer taking on the job of writing pacifist Superman has given him slightly more violent tendencies until he's become what we see now in Convergence. He's the same old punch drunk motherfucker from Krypton that we're all used to! Except this one is black.

Was that racist?! What would a game of African Telephone sound like? I'm not going to answer that! Think up your own (probably extremely racist) answers!

Why was any game about talking on the telephone about how confusing it was?! Did people have a hard time understanding each other on the phone because their minds were boggling over the seemingly impossibility of the technology?!

You don't have to answer any of these questions. I'm smarter and more racist than you so I already know all of the answers! The questions are simply for entertainment purposes!

Does he look like he's sporting a huge disco collar?

Another Superman arrives with another Flash and a Batgirl and a Speedy. The Extremists remember the beating they took from the guy with the bow and arrow and decide it's time to go join Deimos. That's a good idea because The Extremists can't be defeated. Except by Silver Sorceress and Scrub Jay who know their secret: they're amusement park animatronics!

Or completely fuck up all of the timelines forever.

Non-pacifist Superman (I mean the one that never once claimed to be a pacifist!) sends everybody to go recruit more heroes to battle Deimos. They all run off in separate directions leaving Dick and Clark to stand there thinking how awkward it would be if neither one tried to kiss the other one.

They don't kiss but they do flirt a little bit. Superman tells Dick Grayson that he's the heart of the heart of the DC Universe and that he's going to save them all by becoming best friends with Telos. Then while Dick is giving Telos one of those "best friend handjobs" that Doom Bunny tells me are the best way to show friendship, Superman will punch Telos in the back of the head and knock him unconscious! Then all the DC Timelines will win! Except the Justice Riders because they're all dead.

Jay Garrick recruits Superboy and then runs into Barry Allen just before Barry Allen runs so fast that he disintegrates for thirty years. I hope they race to see who is the fastest man alive while Dick hunts down Telos!

"Now show me that planet-sized cock of yours!"

Dick must have a really soft touch because Telos agrees to help save everyone in just a few strokes. I bet that's why he decides to move the planet into The New 52 multiverse! They beat Brainiac so that's the only place left to live! Time to move everybody into the seven empty mystery universes in The New 52! Whoo whoo! Train's leaving! All aboard for Sugartown!

Superman and friends confront Deimos and point out that a lot is greater than one. But Deimos points out that the equation is more like a lot is less than X and X is a lotta lot! X even includes stupid Billy Batson! Doesn't he know he's supposed to be a good guy?! Jerko!

Convergence #6 Rating: Your lips are moving! That means you're lying! I may be old but I'm not dumb! Oh. Sorry! Every time I turn on the radio it seems that song is playing. I'm going to write some songs about other trite sayings like...well, I can't think of any at the moment! It's hard to come up with cliches when everything you write is so original! I should probably rate this issue! It gets Seven Cosmic Bowel Movements out of Ten because it wasn't horrible and it was better than mediocre. I'm still working out the kinks in my system! I'm not actually equipped to do real comic book reviews. I mean, I didn't even throw in the obligatory paragraph where I say how the art matched the tone and how I wouldn't have even noticed the coloring if I wasn't doing a review where I'm supposed to be critical of the entire comic book.

Divergence #6
This isn't a thing. Why are you reading this paragraph?! Look! There's Howard the Duck!

Superman Loves Wonder Woman #17

Um. Isn't this the rape scene?

So back in 1834 or whenever this movie came out, a graphic artist thought the most iconic image, the moment that could most sell this movie, is the moment Rhett Butler sweeps old Whats'ername up in his arms and hauls her up the stairs to fuck her. I suppose back when the film was made, this scene was showing a man finally taking control and putting his overly independent wife in her place. Rhett was all, "Look here! I'm tired of you talking down to me! Just because I'm good looking and have a terrifically fine mustache, that doesn't mean I'm stupid! You really should treat me better, you! Do you think you're ever going to find another man to love you? This is your last chance at true love! Sure, you're just about the most attractive woman that ever lived and holy shit those eyes and you're fiercely independent and stubborn in a life-affirming way and you've got wealth beyond imagining (at least for now), and any man would think you're just about the greatest catch in the whole world! But I'm tired of not fucking you just because you don't want to fuck me! So we're going to do it and you're going to like it like a good woman of this day and age would! You'll be all, 'Oh, Rhett! I'm so innocent and virginal and I would never put your cock in my mouth!' But you're going to, missy! I'm not spending another night out in the slave barracks raping your slaves! We're married, dagnabbit, and we're going to do the sloppy sheet dance!" And Scarlet was all, "But I don't have any more sheets because I made them into underwear!"

When I first saw Gone With the Wind, I thought Scarlet O'Hara was just the greatest character of any film ever. I still might although it's been years since I've seen the film, so I don't really know how I'd feel about it now. She knew what she wanted and she made plans to get it. I just remember wishing she would have shot Rhett in the ass on his way out the door instead of acting like she finally wanted him. Fuck that prick! She should have been standing on his shallow grave when she made the Tara speech!

Now that I've lost a bunch of readers for flippantly talking about a possible rape scene and the violent history of rape and racism in the plantation lifestyle in a nearly hundred year old movie, let's talk about how Superman was busy being a mind controlled dickhead yet again! That's right! Superman, champion of truth, justice, and the way that might be American although the people that think they're being American probably wouldn't do a thing Superman's way anymore because they're all fucking selfish pieces of shit, has once again let himself fall victim to magic brainwashing. If he can't stop this from happening, he's too dangerous to be allowed on Earth. That's the bottom line. Until he can protect himself from being used for evil, he can't protect anybody. For the good of everybody, Superman, please leave Earth posthaste.

"Frankly my dear, NRAGHH!"

Diana beats the shit out of Clark because duh. She's trained in combat her whole life while Superman has never needed to know the amount of knowledge gained from the first ten minutes in a beginner's Karate class. When you're invulnerable and raised on a farm, why do you need to learn any combat techniques? Diana is invulnerable too but she was raised in a warrior's society. So she's got the moves to kick Superman's ass while he knows how to milk a cow.

Whoa now Nellie! Let's not go throwing the H-B-derogatory-slander-slur-humiliation-word around willy-nilly! Got a slight case of the self-hatesies, do yeh?

I really find it odd that Wonder Woman is using a term like half-breed here. Peter J. Tomasi is really kind of fucking this comic book up, isn't he?

Also, should I discuss Circe's comment about Diana's "clay-baked mother"? Oh wait! I just got it. I thought maybe Hippolyta was going to be the character formed out of clay. But Circe is making a comment about how Hippolyta was turned into clay! Ouch! Burn!

Last issue Circe said she was going to have Superman kill a bunch of humans for kicks. But she seems to have changed her mind. Now she just wants to taunt Diana while Magog goes on a rampage somewhere in America. Circe gives Diana a choice: enter the portal to stop Magog or try to break the spell on Superman before it becomes permanent. Wonder Woman enters the portal because Superman can take care of himself, even if magic or Kryptonite or The Batman is involved.

Let me guess: this is where Ed Benes took over the penciling job?

Magog notices that Diana's lasso is missing when he threatens to string her up with it. That's because she left it somewhere else! Um...oh! She probably gave it to Superman to help him know the truth of who he is so that he can break Circe's spell! She's so smart and sneaky and sexually competent.

Superman breaks the spell but is unable to stop Circe because she still knows enough magic to teleport him away from her. Then she uses the H-B-serious-negative-connotations-and-historically-used-to-denigrate-and-try-to-shame-a-whole-race-of-people-word against Wonder Woman. See? That's why I mentioned Wonder Woman must be self-hating. Also, the word works in Circe's mouth because it's hateful. I don't think Wonder Woman would ever let that word pass over her tongue. And through those full, gorgeous lips. And maybe dribble out and down her chin to drip across her bare, heaving bosom. And then it would slide slowly between her...uh...where am I? I sort of got lost in a daydream there.

Superman winds up where Wonder Woman is and they break Magog's neck together.

Seriously. He may be near invulnerable but both of these heroes punching him in the chin at the same time? I don't buy it. How hard do they each know to punch so that he's knocked out but not killed when they don't know how hard the other one is punching? I suppose I'm expected to believe that Magog can only be knocked out by the combined, full strength of these two? That's one tough goatboy. That means Magog is stronger than Doomsday, right?

After Diana cleans up and Clark takes Magog (back in little boy form) to ARGUS to lock him up for life because fuck the law, Diana decides to write a series of Young Adult novels about the people that are attacked by super villains. She really plays up how the super villains are to blame so nobody ever again thinks the super heroes are to blame. And then she shows how the super heroes save every life they can because they're super awesome. Then there's a chapter where some young girl that won the Nobel Prize for poetry and is dying of cancer gets her first kiss from a teenage astronaut that solved every unsolvable math problem by the time he was eight and has one magic testicle. She's probably going to spin them off in their own series later!

Superman Loves Wonder Woman #17 Rating: -3 Ranking. I don't know. I make some pretty horrible jokes and never take anything seriously, so I probably shouldn't give a shit that Wonder Woman called the Animen "half-breeds." But nobody expects decency out of me! We all expect Diana to be the most decent and kind and loving person on the planet! So, man, that just really struck a chord. A bad chord! One of those chords you hear that makes your spine tingle and you grit your teeth and your spleen explodes. Truly awful and so unlike Peter's other New 52 work. Hey Pete? What the fuck is going on, dude? You need a cup of coffee or something? Maybe a nap? Go take a weekend off to recharge because you're not killing this book at all. I mean in a good way! You're totally killing this book in a bad way!

Superman Loves Wonder Woman #16

Hey. Hey Tumblr. Lesh me tellsh you a shecret. You're drunk. No wait. I'm drunk. You're kind of cute. Can I put my hand in your crotsch? Yeah. Here I go! Going down. Shcrolling. Shcrolling. Shcrolling. Um. Uh. Tumblr? Do you have a crotsch? Your torsho jusht keepsh goink and goink and goink. You're weird. Imma not gonna fuck you now. Good bye.

Hey. Hey Blogshpot, you whore.

End scene! That was my short play, Drunk Guy Fucks Internet. I'm going to win a Pulitzer! Do you win those for plays?

Last issue of Superman Loves Wonder Woman was, surprisingly, garbage. You might think it brings a thrill to my black little hole where my soul would be if souls existed to shovel shit all over a comic book I found poorly written but then you'd have another think coming. I mean, you would if you wanted to keep thinking thoughts until you thought the correct thought. I don't like trashing a comic book written by a writer that I've grown to respect. Peter Tomasi has done some fine work for The New 52 (and apparently some fine Preboot stuff too but how would I know about that stuff? I didn't exist before September 2011. I mean, I didn't start reading comic books until I was summoned from the 34th Plane of the Abyss before September 2011. I mean, I began reading comic books again in September 2011). And since he's written some of my favorite stuff, I hate to slap him in the head and scream, "Don't do bad writing!" I found that doesn't work for Lobdell and Nocenti but it's fun slapping them anyway. Also, I don't believe in actual physical violence. I'm just writing words here, words that express an imaginary situation.

I forget what the point of that last paragraph was going to be so let's move on to the comic book, shall we?

The issue begins with little David Magog remembering his mother being taken away by Parademons five years ago.

"NO! Fuck you Superman and Wonder Woman! How dare you not have any part of my mother being stolen by alien beings!"

I'm glad nobody can see my memories like this! Because when my mom was bleeding out in the car accident, I yelled, "Mom! I hope you have your will squared away so I don't have to worry about a ton of bureaucratic nonsense!"

That was a lie. My mom is still alive. She calls me to discuss Walking Dead every other week or so. She's the one to thank that I'm incapable of emotion because I buried the heart of my secret self deep within me. It was the only way to not completely flip the fuck out when she would watch horror movies with me every weekend. I was just a kid! I thought it was fun! I had no idea it was going to wear my psyche down to a fine polish so that everything in life just slips right past it. Now I can't love and I can't take anything seriously and I keep the rotting carcasses of neighborhood children in my basement.

Shit man. This commentary is getting dark! Maybe I should give you guys my mother's phone number so you can call her and yell at her for ruining my life! Or you could just call her up and discuss the Walking Dead with her. She'd totally love that!

Is that weird that Wonder Woman trusts her mother? Is that a common thing? You might understand why I ask that after having read the previous few paragraphs.

For some reason, Circe doesn't like Wonder Woman. It might have been explained last issue. Or it might be explained in a page or two by Circe herself since villains love to, you know, spill the beans. Literally?

I know why Magog wants to kill Superman! Because Magog is an idiot projecting his rage against Darkseid onto Superman and the other Justice League members. He and David Graves should really begin a support network for people whose loved ones died because a super hero wasn't around to save them. Lana Lang was almost a member of this group but she realized she was acting like a brat and throwing a tantrum because her friend Superman didn't give her parents special life-saving treatment.

Oh, enough out of you! Deal with your guilt in a less destructive way. Have you tried roleplaying games?

Meanwhile some Evil Mister Smarty Pants continues to plan his evil plan using the Fearsome Five and some other b-list villains like Atomic Skull and Major Disaster.

Circe teleports away with Wonder Woman and leaves Magog to murder Superman while he's busy holding the bridge together. Instead, Superman decides to kick Magog's ass with just his eyes.

I guess he uses his feet a bit too.

Superman beats Magog down, fixes the bridge, and breaks Magog's weapon. When he does, he's vaporized instantly! Or maybe just teleported to another location. Who can guess?!

Circe has brought Wonder Woman, encased in asphalt, to the island of AIAIA! Now's where she tells her why she wants to kill her!

Oh, Circe is evil! Trying to stir up all this Amazons are rapists and Wonder Woman is the son of a man shit again!

Superman appears but since Circe is magic, he's not going to be much use. He might look at her angrily and say some bold, righteous words of justice, but in the end he'll just get taken out of the fight by a simple spell. Meanwhile Wonder Woman breaks out of her asphalt tomb and begins bashing in the heads of Circe's ani-men. What does that stand for? Animal Men? Animated Semen? When she's finished knocking Circe's entire army unconscious, Circe tells her she as decided not to kill Wonder Woman now. Instead, she'll have Superman kill as many humans as possible because that would totally hurt Diana's feelings. Although, you know, this is a really good time for Wonder Woman to take some of her anger out on Superman over giving her that stupid flower that turns into a monster if it doesn't get fed on a daily basis. What a douche present! She should knock out at least one of his molars for that shit.

I'm fucking serious this time, Superman. You need to check yourself, brah! This whole thing where you tell everybody in the world that you're not dangerous to the world and you don't plan on becoming a fascist leader forcing everybody to do your whim in a ploy to eradicate evil. But you keep fucking getting mind controlled which is even worse! All of those people in power, all of the citizens afraid of your power, and Lex Luthor...all of those people I'm constantly calling assholes because they don't believe in you...fuck man. I owe them all an apology! Because you are a fucking hazard to Earth! Until you find a way to assure everybody that you won't destroy the world because Queen Bee or Hector Hammond or Circe or Doomsday have taken over your senses, you need to get the fuck off of the planet. At least let Batman rig some kind of Kryptonite Suicide Capsule in one of your molars which he can activate by remote control. You may never plan on hurting anybody on Earth, Superman, but you've proven that you haven't done enough to stop other people from using you to hurt everybody on Earth. You need to go to Mars and figure something out because I'm sick of you going on these mind control rampages!

Superman Loves Wonder Woman #16 Rating: -1 Ranking. I guess this story arc is supposed to be exciting because Superman and Wonder Woman are being challenged by two of their biggest foes, Magog and Circe. But neither one of them are really angry at either one of the heroes! It's all just misplaced rage! Supervillains are supposed to be smart and/or insane. I think these two are just stupid. Okay, maybe Magog went insane as a little kid and then went even more insane when only five years later a super hot witch turned him into a real live man and probably taught him about carnal good times. But Circe is just being a dick because she's pissed off at Hippolyta. Go take your revenge on Hippolyta if you're so...oh. Right. Oh, okay. Carry on then. Beat the shit out of her daughter! I mean, after Superman beats the shit out of her.

Superman Literally Loves Wonder Woman #15

Superman and Wonder Woman are literally fucking on this cover.

I literally can't fight it any more. It's time to join the masses in embracing the overuse of "literally" to punch up everything I write. Do I need the reader to feel what I'm saying is literally the non-exaggerated truth? Add literally! Do I need the reader to feel what I'm saying is literally exaggerated truth? Add literally! Does everything I fucking write need to sound like I'm instantly literally defending it from naysayers before they've even literally read it? Add literally! Am I just literally incompetent at putting together a thought? Yes!

Last issue ended with Wonderstar revealing he was literally Magog. Did the Kingdom Come Universe literally merge with The New 52 Universe or had that happened Pre-Flashpoint so it's just a thing that everybody literally already knew anyway? Magog is literally gogaM backwards. Hmm, I thought that would be more important than it wound up being.

This issue begins literally five weeks prior to where last issue ended.

We've literally been over this five thousand times before. Yes, yes. It's the super heroes fault that your family was killed during the Apokolips invasion.

Little David Reid is literally transformed by a magic stone given to him by a red haired vixen that is literally Circe. Unless it's not but when has doubt literally ever stopped a person from appending "literally" to a statement? Who else could she be? She's hot and she does magic and there are Ionic columns behind her! Unless they're literally Doric. Or the other one.

Little David Reid literally has every reason to hate Superman and Wonder Woman. Why didn't they save his parents rather than the other person's parents they probably saved? Why did they literally allow the invasion to happen by literally saying, "Darkseid! Come invade Earth and kill David Reid's family! And that other guy's family too and give him cancer so he writes a book and then tries to literally kill the Justice League because misplaced anger and aggression makes for good comic book stories!"

So now the Justice League is literally responsible for causing the deaths of all the people that they never saved?

Magog has defeated Superman and Wonder Woman in the Palisades of New Jersey. Hey! That's literally the exact same spot that She-Hulk and Titania just battled! Why is it so popular all of a sudden? Oh! I know! Because there is literally nobody there so there is literally nobody around to blame the super heroes for causing somebody's death due to their mere existence!

Magog literally stabs Superman with his pointy weapon thing and throws him over a literal cliff. Then he literally turns around to take care of Wonder Woman.

Whoops! Magog should have literally killed Wonder Woman first.

Magog literally blasts the shit out of Wonder Woman. But Wonder Woman needs to make sure Superman is alive, so she literally flees from the battle with her tail tucked between her legs. Magog, not feeling cliché enough decides that he shouldn't kill Superman and Wonder Woman now while he has the upper hand. Instead, he needs to literally make them feel real loss. It's literally the stupidest plan any villain can come up with and yet it's literally the only one they ever do come up with.

Too bad Magog isn't around to hear Superman say, "We have to literally protect everybody from this monster!", or else he might have to think twice about his motivations for killing Superman. Wonder Woman, on the literal other hand, just wants to kill him as quickly as possible because she is the literal God of Hugs. I mean War. I keep forgetting this isn't the only version of Wonder Woman that literally matters. You remember the one? The one literally written by Gail Simone?

Speaking of poorly motivated villains, what the fuck was Jason Voorhees motivation in Friday the 13th Part VI: Jason Literally Lives? I know his mother's motivation was to avenge the death of her child by literally killing every camp counselor that was too busy fucking or drugging it up to watch over the kids. Then Jason's motivation was to literally kill everybody that had a job similar to those that killed his mom. But why would he literally watch a camp counselor compassionately helping out a child and doing her job the way that the others that needed to be murdered never did and then literally paint the walls of a cabin with her blood? I think Undead Zombie Jason Voorhees is conflicted.

This is literally the worst debate tactic in the history of debates and/or tactics.

Too bad Wonder Woman literally proves Magog's point by ignoring the cars full of families as she flies past them, preferring to punch Magog in the face than to save the families. Sure, she says that she does it because she knows Superman is literally there to save them. But I think she's literally worse at debate than Magog.

Magog continues to try to kill people so that they'll blame the superheroes that literally let them be killed. The problem is not everybody is literally mentally ill and don't view reality the way that Magog literally views reality. Sure, some people in the DC Universe think like Magog does. Like that idiotic cop at the end of Batgirl #1 who literally blames Batgirl for the death of a patient that The Mirror just threw out a window instead of blaming The Mirror who just literally threw a person out of a window. Holy fuck, I forgot how horrible that ending was. How come the people who literally worship Gail Simone never talk about that last panel on the last page of Batgirl #1?! It was literally the worst. I might be using literally incorrectly now because I also remember reading Grifter #1 and that one might have had nineteen more pages literally worse than that single Batgirl panel.

Calling the people you're trying to convince of your argument literal sheep probably isn't helping your cause.

Then Circe shows up to tell Magog that his plan is literally the dumbest plan in the world and that they should probably just kill Superman and Wonder Woman right now.

Jesus Christ, Peter J. Tomasi. I fucking trusted you and you literally took my trust and had your deviant way with it. My trust literally looked up to you as a father figure and you took advantage of that trust to satisfy your disgusting needs! What are you fucking doing to this comic book? Do we really need another fucking villain that's literally just a crying baby searching for somebody to blame since the real people to blame are dead? I literally blame all fucking Americans for this kind of thinking. "Protect me! Protect me! Oh, you didn't protect me so now I'm going to sue you!" Fucking mewling beshitted screaming brats. Go literally fuck yourselves. All of you!

Superman Literally Loves Wonder Woman #15 Rating: No change. That's literally how all of you assholes sound. Now get the fuck off my lawn. Seriously though. You're literally kicking the new grass seed everywhere.