Futures End: Action Comics #1

Five years ago, the world as we know it ceased to be. Luckily, the world as we know it from The Road Warrior came into being. Many people were prepared for this turn of events. Too bad those people were geeks and nerds without any real survival skills. Tragically, they were all rape-murdered by corporate CEOs who, it turned out, were the biggest sociopaths on the planet. Some nerds and geeks survived longer than others due to their proficiency at oral sex. But even these desperate, shameless nerds could not last for long. Eee! Tess Ate Chai Tea gave and gave and gave but eventually, as he knew deep down would happen, he used a little too much teeth. He was thrown into Lightning Dome, a more terrifying version of Thunder Dome, where twenty combatants entered and nineteen left. Mostly because the nineteen were working together to fightfuck the lone other. Eee! Tess Ate Chai Tea lasted thirteen minutes, a good showing but not good enough to be remembered for more than the long weekend.

As it turned out, some of the most depraved and richest CEOs were the biggest fans of Eee! Tess Ate Chai Tea. When the updates stopped (for, you see, DC Comics continued to publish during these post-apocalyptic times although their market share was now worse than Dynamite. In their defense, Gail Simone was being forced to write all of the titles deep within Dynamite headquarters, and all of the titles featured naked lesbians as every character), the CEOs grew desperate for the only written entertainment they could stomach. A new Tess was needed. And who better to take over the job than the monster that delivered the death thrust to Tess, Goggles McDeathhurt.

And now, five years later, Goggles McDeathhurt and Clorox Cola Theater Present: HOLY FUCK! Don't Put That There Chai Tea!

Welcome back, Scanners! Bout dis time, I figurin' youse alls heard bout da bloody frowdown out in Reading City what was old Baltymorn, right? Dem culty weirdies, dat gang what calls demselves The Deep Stacks, raided da underground fortress a dem what call demselves da Long Boxes. It been a bloody couple nights, as related onna me by Archivist Melville whended he done deliverem ta me some a dem Formertime comic books. Dems guys, dese Deep Stacks, deys says dey gonna collectem all a dat knowledge of the Formertime cause it be worth like major koku, ya gits it? Sez dey is gonna rebuildem da worlds by reeducaciten demselves of da fings most peoples done forgetted. I says leavem da past to da corpses cuz look where it got dem and us acause of dem. Some might say I, Goggles, and youse, Chai Tea Fans, has been parts of da problems too since Formertimes were justa, you know, cinco round trips ago, ja? But it ain't like we gripped on da powers or nuttins. Wes jus' doin our fing, baain' and baain' and clippin' da grass jus ta gits by, says me. And what sponsibility has da sheeps gots when da farmer missin' him mortgage payment, ya know? But I does particular enjoys me Formertime comic books, sees? And Archivist Melville, he and somma him mates, like Archivist Heller and Archivist Stein, dems like da HOLY FUCK! Don't Put That There Chai Tea broadcasts. I fink dat Archivist Melville havem a bitty crush on ol' Goggles, see? Dat why dey raid dem Long Boxes, most probably.

Hey you dem Long Boxes out dere in the Dusty Stretches? How you likem dem new boot ups your arses? You wants me ta calls off dem Deep Stacks, yous delieverem somma more of dese littyrature books, kay? None of that wank paste by HerSimone neither, you gots? Somefin like dis here Imma got into readin' now mit herr Superman and all.

Dis here book gots Supermans farmin up ole Afirca cause he done fink a desert be practically a place what jess had a bad growin' season.

And soon you be walkin' cross da floo-oo-oor!

One dem big secrets da Goddess done teach us during da early days of the Rereckoning: belief be all ya need ta change The Real. Looks like Clark be a follower of da Goddess, blessem her charitable hearts. He gonna fink dem good toughts until he got dem good crops.

Oy fuck! Jus' heared that big old bell ta prayer and Goggs bein' in the middle of a broadcast. I guess it be aight I prays up in public dis here one time since dis here studio kinda resemblates a prayer closet. Jus' a quick un, wot? Let me punchem up a prayer on da prayer randomizer and give it a good ol' read, ja?

"Und da Muses yelled up at The Real, and they sayin' to 'em, 'Yo? The Real? Dissem here is da way it gonna be. The Goddess, ja? She make it, the Promise, all up when we in Harpo. The Goddess, she ain't make dis here Promise wit da mens, git it? She makin' it wit us, the wymyns, who in all of us got the power, gots the real power, ya knowin'? The Goddess, she sayunt to you, right out of the mounted HD, right out of the Kindled Fires. And The Muses stood between The Goddess and The Real for so they could take like the brunts of the fear, rights? And they listenin' and The Goddess, she sayin, 'I am the Goddess which brought thee out of dat house of Ed Gyp, out of the house of servitudes and motherin', ja?'"

Dat dere's da enda dat prayer comin' outta my prayer randomizer. Buts we knows da rest, aight? How she keep sayin', cause she got the real important bits comin' up, dat bit dat we's gots ta know or we ain't never gonna climb up out of dese here Dusty Stretches. The Goddess gives us dem Ten Promises, da ones we hold for truth, and dems da ones we keep in our hearts. Ah, nevermind all dat, nohow. None youse lissen for hearin' dose fings we a'eady knows, right down deep in the softness of dem bones, dem bones, for dey be da workins of The Goddess. Dis here be an entertation broadcast, not no Holy Scriptverse.

Dis here wymyns ain't rightly taken up the word of The Goddess, sees?

Ya cans tell dis here be a Formertimes comic book acause it shows such a graphical representatum of the Ways of The Liard. Dis here comic book really mussa been hoarded by dem Long Boxes, what da scofflaws sometime refer to as dem N-words. I ain't never use dat language cause I ain't lookin' ta commit da Capital Offensiveness. Buts wes gots so many N-words and R-Words and P-Slurs nows, ya probably ain't got the notions of which I means. But I means the ones that ends in the beards and begins with the necks, ya know? The N-words. Wat mos' dem Long Boxes looks like, sí? Deys still fink dem old ways gonna come backs, so dey hoardem all dese images of people following da Ways of the Liard, those wot been wrongfully called dem Promise Keepers. But dey ain't heard da real Promise, ja? Dey ain't heard what we'll all receive if we follows up The Goddess Way and apply Her Secret to ourselps and keeps her Promises for our owns and acknowledgem her Reading List for dem fundermentals.

Dis here Formertime comic gots da real crazy story bout some Supersandman flying round givin' people da illusion of power so dat maybe dey mightem find da real powers up in demselves. Peeps what bury emotions becomes invulnerable ta pain. Dems dat have been weak willed fillin' up wit physical prowesses. And dose falling into despair git da power ta liftem demselves up inta da clouds. But after the Supersandman takes away allem new powers and trades 'em for a Promise, and a Secret. The Promise dat alla dem have da power to save demselves. The Secret dat the choices, the abilities to manipulate The Real, it be up inside dem forevers and alwaysbeens. But Superandman still have Clark left ta visit before the story ends itself up.

Dis here be a perversion of The Goddess' Secret; dis here be Femignostic claptrap bout usin' da Secret and da Promise ta helpem others.

Supersandman sacrifices himself for to teach Superman dat helping others offentimes be da way ta helpin' amselves. But what way dat gits us but lots of corpses what doin' fings for peeps dat ain't gots da stones ta corpsicate demselves for da ovvers, feels? So dose supposedly strenghtified in convictions lyin' dead in the dirts while dose weakest willies lives on ta cower in da brush and hopes dat da world don'ts finds 'em? Dis world be harsh enuff mitout takin' yer one life for da betterment of scallywaggles and leftists. First rules of the Secrets and the Promises: wes helps ourselfs first. And only when wes outnumbers dem dat would carry death to our door do we helps da others dat be wit us. Your goal ain't never gonna be my goal 'ceptin' when your goal a'eady is my goal. Dat be da end of the way and dat be the way to move ahead and dat be, maybe, eventually, da way we crawl up ourselfs outta dese here Dusty Stretches.

Keep da Secret safe and da Promise ever in da hearts, and I be here next time if'n I survive da Lightning Dome tonight. Gots ta be makin' da hays while da suns shine, ya feel?

Catwoman #29

I can't believe she stole the Champagne Bucket's wallet. She's a master!

God damn you, DC! I just found a new project that I was really excited about! I called it "Scenes From Ann Nocenti's Catwoman." I would take one of her barely comprehensible panels and rewrite it into a longer piece of all text fiction. I was also thinking that maybe each piece could really use a nice black and white illustration to go with it! But visual art isn't really my cup of sake. Although I did once do a 24 Hour Comic and, coincidentally enough, it sort of starred Catwoman!

Click on the image to read, and then reblog, the entire comic.

Oh well! I guess I could always dig out my old Catwoman issues for "Scenes From Ann Nocenti's Catwoman." It should probably have its own Tumblr as well.

I guess I should look on the cup is half bright side of things! An issue of Catwoman written by somebody other than Nocenti! There's no way it could be worse. Seriously. The physical laws of the universe will not allow for an issue of Catwoman not written by Nocenti to be worse than an issue of Catwoman written by Nocenti. I've done the math. Or the science. Maybe both!

When people describe some piece of news as both good and bad, this is that.

I know the people that are always looking for drama are going to interpret the above caption as me saying I'm happy there is a guest writer but sad that it's Sholly Fisch. You know what? Go fuck the way you see the world. Fuck it one last time and throw out its number. Because not everything is about drama! The real reason I said it's good news is that we have a different writer! The bad news is that it's only a guest writer which means Ann Nocenti will be back. I'm sure most people on the internet read it that way because most people on the internet understand the dangers of Ann Nocenti with a comic book script. But if you read it the other way, calm down. Take a breath, Sholly Fisch's mother. I wasn't taking a poke at your son.

Oh fuck. I hope Sholly Fisch's mother is still alive! Nobody tell me one way or the other so I can continue on not feeling like an asshole. At least not for that!

Currently, Selina Kyle is crashing a wealthy party for Taylor Pharmaceuticals and talking to herself as if she were her own audience.

She might be talking to her breasts.

Every now and then, I have to mention how much I dislike this use of Narration Boxes. It's like the main character is telling the story to somebody somewhere in the future (or simply directly to the reader which is even more jarring). She's obviously talking to somebody else by her reaction of "No, no." And she's speaking from a place in the future as a narrator that already knows the outcome of the story. But that omniscient shit kind of flip flops back and forth to thoughts in the present that really should be thought bubbles. It's obviously a method of telling a story that's been brought over from scads of first person account pieces of literature. Nothing wrong with those but I feel comic books should be their own medium. And when they borrow from movies to try to be like movies and borrow from books to try to be like books and then just cram them all together in what should be a story told in the brevity of the NOW-space, it just comes across as a work of art that wants to be another work of art. Comics have a kind of thoughtful immediacy to them. Unlike a movie which takes place at breakneck speed through the now, a comic book can extend moments and fill empty spaces. It takes place in a world where action and words have differing timetables. That should be seen as a strength instead of an awkward byproduct. And unlike a book which often takes place in the past tense, the comic, even when flashing back, continues to take place in the present tense. We see the action as it unfolds instead of relying on a subjective narrator retelling the actions of a story which already happened. So when these Narration Boxes are used like a book, they fuck up the immediacy of the story in favor of trying to be more like a work of literature.

I think these Narration Boxes telling the story can work! They've been used in that way in places although I can only think of the first issue of Mister Terrific offhand where the Narration Boxes actually were Michael Holt telling a story from his past. Mostly, I've gotten used to the convention. I don't often bring it up because I accept it as the current trend in comic book writing. But occasionally, like now, I decide to express my completely and utterly objective opinion on the matter.

Back to the story, Taylor Pharma has been bought out by Wayne Enterprises because they invented a chemotherapy drug with no side effects called Mister 40. That sounds like a super villain! Is it some guy in a leather gimp suit sitting in a recliner? Then somebody that needs chemo walks into the room and sits on Mister 40's lap for an hour or so, uncomfortably ignoring his erection pressing up against their buttocks?

Oh! I'm going to be Mister 40 for Halloween!

Catwoman has come to the party to steal Mister 40! This is going to get steamy!

Apparently Pat Olliffe and Tom Nguyen's Catwoman has severe hip dysplasia. You don't often hear about that in cats but since Selina is a catwoman, I'll allow it.

Catwoman makes it all the way to Mister 40 so that I can be disappointed. It isn't a dirty jerk in a leather gimp suit at all. It's just a small phial of bullshit medicine with no side effects. That's what makes it bullshit! All medicine has side effects! Even the main thing the advertisers tell you it's good for is a side effect! It all depends on how you look at it! If you smoke pot to get high, suppressing nausea is a side effect! But if you take it to suppress nausea, getting fucking balls high is a side effect! You know what I have noticed on some of those bullshit medicine commercials? You know the ones for made up shit that people will tell me isn't made up because they've bought into it? They've begun touting them as curing symptoms. You know what actually needs to be cured? The thing causing the symptoms! The symptoms are a fucking warning sign of impending doom, assholes! You don't want to obfuscate the symptoms just so you can go back to living with some disease eating up your guts without pain. The pain is there to say, "Hey fuckwit! Something is eating up your guts!"

Here's a good example for everybody that has one of those things those fucking medicine commercials tells you you might have: Viagra. I'm not going to name any others because everybody has something and they'll hate me for telling them they're just Munchausening up the room. So let's just talk about Viagra because we all know what bullshit that is. Impotence is a major symptom for several things that can be seriously wrong with the body. One of those is heart disease! So when you can't get a fucking erection, that could be a symptom! Just popping a Viagra so you can pop a boner doesn't make the reason for the impotence go away. We live in a country where there's just too much money to be made with pharmaceuticals to not sell any fucking thing made in a lab that can be wedged into a supposed cure. "Hey, this pill stops shaking when you're dying of hypothermia! Put it on the market to cure 'Whole Body Shaking Syndrome!'" You can make up more of your own stupid examples because I'm tired of writing about this now.

Oh yeah! Catwoman sets off an alarm. Probably because of that severe hip dysplasia. She should take some medication for that!

A security guard tries to stop Catwoman but she throws some other pharmaceutical in his face to distract him.

Too bad it was Adrenaline 17! Side effects: inverted penis/everted vagina.

Catwoman tries to escape in the chaos caused by The Incredulous Hulk but she fails. Not because she couldn't slip out while the monster kills lots of civilians but because she would feel a little bit bad about being the cause of all those civilian deaths. So while everybody else slips out (and by "slips out," I mean "stampedes like a bunch of motherfuckers"), Catwoman taunts Mr. Innie.

The nerdy creator of Mister 40 stops Teenie Weenie with a bunch of sedatives and that's when the comic book catches up to the opening page where Catwoman is crashing through a window followed by dozens of bullets. So her heist was successful but it wasn't much of a professional burgle. In and out without anybody noticing should be the goal. I think Catwoman has a fire raging in her loins and she's trying to attract the attention of Batman to hose it down.

"Success! Vagina don't fail me now! Unless it's one of those other nights and then anus don't fail me now!"

The big twist is that Batman is the buyer. And he wasn't as concerned with securing Mister 40 as he was getting Adrenaline 17 destroyed. He also set off the alarms that alerted everyone to Catwoman. And he erased the research data on Adrenaline 17. In the end, Catwoman doesn't mind because Batman put her at risk. And that means Batman owes her big time. Next time they get in a fuckfight, it's going to be all about the cunnilingilism.

Catwoman #29 Rating: +2 Ranking because the dialogue made sense! And Catwoman was doing a burglary job instead of spelunking. Although if Wayne Enterprises just bought out this pharmaceutical company, it seems like an easier way to get rid of Adrenaline 17 is to order all of the researchers and technicians to stop researching and technicianing it. I'm sure Bruce Wayne could have gone in with a nice tall Scotch, looking over the computers. Then he could have drunkenly spilled his alcohol directly on the part of the computer that remembered the Adrenaline 17 composition. That's how computers work, right? That can be done, right? Oh! I think I'm going to write a 007 script now! I have a great idea about Bond seducing a super market checkout robot! After he jizzes in the change receptacle, the computer will forget the price of Cheez-Its.

Metallo #1

Being that I don't know what a robot penis looks like (all the checkout registers at the grocery store are female), I'm just going to assume that's a kneecap at the bottom of the page. Too bad you can't see it in three dimensions, popping and throbbing right in my face.

Sterling Gates dropped me a message on Twitter thanking me for pointing out the typo in Black Adam #1. I'm almost certain that the his acknowledgment of my editorial job constitutes work for hire for DC and that I should be expecting a paycheck in the mail. At the very least, I'm adding "Assistant Editor for DC Comics" on my resume.

This issue begins eighteen months ago with Corben still in a coma. He's been in that coma since The Collector of Worlds (also known as the Brainiac A.I.) came to Metropolis and had its ass severely handed to it by The Metropolitan Masculine Marvel of Mightiness! And that was a long time ago, so he's been stuck in his big metal coma for quite a few years. I wonder what Steel has been up to all this time?

Thirty-one months, to be precise, thanks to the private on the next page moaning about having to do follow stupid orders.

These panels explain more of the story than I can coherently regurgitate for all you parasites that didn't pay for this book. But the main reason I scanned it was to show where my cat drooled on the speech bubble with "Brizuela?" in it.

Even though all Corben's vital signs seem good, he still hasn't awakened from his coma. The scientists and doctors don't believe there is anything more they can do for him. But wait! The General has an idea! What if...now listen closely...what if he...JAMS A PIECE OF KRYPTONITE IN CORBEN'S CHEST?! The doctors and scientists shrug there shoulders and figure they let Colonel Poskoff stick his dick in Corben's mouth, so why not try General Lane's Kryptonite thing? At this point none of them really know what they're doing anyway if they're taking medical and scientific advice from General Lane.

Oh, I don't know. Pray to God? Kick him in the groin? Shove spiders down his throat? Put a finger in his ass? Put two fingers in his ass? Black magic? Douse him in gasoline? Give him a fantastic blow job while somebody else rims him out? Call up Doctor Veritas for help? Immerse him in liquid nitrogen? Stuff him full of Pop Rocks? Put three fingers up his ass?

Military Scientist: "Will this work, General Lane?"
General Lane: "No way to know but what else can we do?"
Military Scientist: "Whoa, wait a second. You have no evidence that this will do anything? We just took out the fuel core keeping this man alive so you could randomly shove a rock into his chest and 'hope for the fucking best?'"
General Lane: "Have you got any better ideas?!"
Military Scientist: "Better than killing the patient and filling him with stones? Fuck yes I have better ideas!"
General Lane: "Who's the general here? Now shut the fuck up and attach Corben's system to this kryptonite!"
Military Scientist: "How?! There's nothing to connect any of these wires to? Do you want me to just wind them around the rock? Perhaps just lying them next to it would work, right? What else can we do?!"
General Lane: "Are you getting smart with me, son?! Just fucking do it or else!"

Of course with all my ranting and raving, the Kryptonite works. General Lane is a genius. Once again, three cheers for non-scientific gut instincts and intuition! And probably God. I'm sure he helped out somehow.

John "Metal-Zero" Corben is sent into action overseas. He becomes a one man army with no concern for collateral damage. He goes in and gets the job done and nobody else has to feel guilty over innocent lives lost. It's the greatest weapon the military has ever devised! An autonomous killing machine with no sense of guilt that understands the sly winks and elbow nudges of the higher ranking officers as they give him his orders and tell him to keep civilian casualties at a minimum. Pesky innocent lives will never get in the way of an American mission ever again! And everybody's hands are clean except the robot man that must have assessed the situation and taken care of the job with minimum casualties, no matter how many there were. It had to be the minimum amount because they gave him orders!

Hmm. I guess General Lane is into the dental work of gift horses.

Eighteen months after General Lane blew up Metallo over the ocean, Metallo climbs up onto a beach in Metropolis. His new goal: murder General Lane. And probably Lois too.

See? What an asshole. To be fair, he does have a reason to hate her. I mean, he did want to sleep with her and she didn't want to sleep with him. Who is she to make that decision for him? The nerve.

Metal-2.0 flies in to stop Metal-Zero. But Metal-2.0 suffers from Good Guy Syndrome. That's where he'll allow the fight to go on and on as he tries to subdue the bad guy while the bad guy only has to fight long enough to kill the good guy. That allows the Bad Guy to bring everything he has to the battle while the Good Guy is holding back. Unless the Good Guy is The Goddamned Batman. That fucker can fight for as long as it takes.

But Metal-2.0 is no The Goddamned Batman, so he dies fairly quickly. Or at least gets a pole through his heart. Since Metallo survived not having a heart, I'm sure Metal-2.0 can too! Just have a doctor shove a lump of coal in his chest! Or a ruby! He'll be okay.

Except there's not time for that since Metal-2.0 hits the self-destruct and blows both of them to pieces. Does that mean there will be a Roger Corben in The New 52 as well? No. Turns out The Secret Society of Super-Villains teleported him away before he was blown up. Now he only has to worry about keeping Ultraman from snorting his heart.

Metallo #1 Rating: Metallo is kind of a boring villain. Just a military guy with a heart of Kryptonite! It sounds like it could turn into a sitcom though! Maybe Metallo and Superman could be roommates and they'd both be in love with the neighbor across the hall, Lois Lane. But every time one of them tries to make a move on her in her apartment, her military father busts in and begins busting heads. The season finale would have both Superman and Metallo making out with Lois. But since Metallo makes out with her first, Superman, like somebody with a peanut allergy kissing somebody after fucking a guy with peanut butter for a heart, goes into anaphylactic shock and everybody rushes to the hospital and the lousy sitcom ends on a sad and bitter note as Superman lays dying. I hate when sitcoms try to be deep. I hate my new sitcom.

Bizarro #1

"Bizarro orgasm out of eyes like normal heterosexual man!"

My love for Bizarro began with the Super Friends versus the Legion of Doom cartoons. He was dopey and wacky and irreverent. But most of all, he was just misunderstood. Seriously, who could understand that fucker? Sometimes he'd say, "Me not like beauty!" because the Bizarros of Bizarro world based their life on celebrating the ugly. But then sometimes somebody would get a hold of him and make his character say things like, "Me love beauty!" But that meant that he hated beauty because he was speaking in opposite Bizarro speak. But that just made every conversation with him fucking confusing because you'd think he loved beauty in that first quote I wrote! So I don't blame anybody for misunderstanding this jerk. He wasn't evil; he just perceived reality differently than we did.

But it would really have fucking helped if he could decide how is Bizarroness expressed itself from appearance to appearance!

I'm not even sure where Bizarro has come from in The New 52. I suppose that's what this issue is for since he hasn't been seen anywhere else. Although Superboy did just run into another version of Superboy over in Superboy. But that Superboy looked normal. I hope this Bizarro isn't the Harvest son clone that was tossed into a dumpster way back in the Pre-Issue #1 Superboy storyline. I really hope this Bizarro was created as wackily as the old Preboot Bizarro!

This story begins in the pages of Action Comics when Superman broke free from captivity while being held by Lex Luthor. That was when Lex Luthor thought that Superman's real shape was a deformed calf? Yeah, what an idiot. During Superman's escape, he managed to spit blood all over Lex Luthor's nice suit. Which is really all Luthor wanted. Although if you want a DNA sample from a man whose skin you can't pierce with a needle, there's always a better way! You know, a mouth swab.

Luthor's dream was to create a super hero that could go toe to toe with Superman but would also be his willing slave. Lex Luthor always wants so much.

Lex Luthor has a small prick.

That was obvious and immature of me. And I'm usually so mature! This whole Bizarro thing must be getting to me. Instead of writing intelligent, insightful, mature musings on the nature of Bizarro and how his flaws and his outlook make him truly the most tragic character in DC Comics, I'm making tiny dick jokes. It's so unlike me! I'm a bit ashamed! I'll try harder to be more academic.

Lex Luthor's test subject becomes ravenous after being subjected to Luthor's prick. His muscles engorge, his skin turns chalky white, and breaks free from his restraints. And it won't listen to a word Luthor says. Why should it? It got what it wanted. Now it just wants to go home to its own bed.

"Me hate the D! Me get enough of it! Me not want more at all! Me want long, loving relationship! Me love Lex Luthor!"

The creature rampages through Lex's laboratory but Luthor has some safety measures! Like a Kryptonite gun that doesn't work on it. And some Super-heated Plasma Lexbots which fail to stop Bizarro. Not to mention (although mentioning them so that's a stupid beginning to any sentence ever) the Quantum Tunneling Apokolips Swinehunds. You might think those would stand a chance but they're worse than Lexbots. Lex Luthor simply has one chance left.

Oh. Well fuck. I was going to say his connection in the marines.

Luckily for Lex Luthor, his penis caused all the trouble and his penis finishes it as well.

I knew it would end this way! Believe me. I've been here.

Lex Luthor decides he humans just can't handle Kryptonian DNA. That's what everyone has been telling Lois Lane for years! But now Lex Luthor has proven it! So he abandons his hybrid experiment and begins cloning a new hero from pure Kryptonian DNA. It's a sad little thing growing in test tube B-0. That's not an emoticon! But it is Bizarro! Apparently he'll be making his appearance in Forever Evil!

Bizarro #1 Rating: Me not like at all! Pure crap! Bottom ten in rankings! Which mean it actually pretty good! Unless me just confused. What me know? Me rank at #8 because me think it tell pretty good story about Bizarro. Plus me think it maybe explain scars on Lex Luthor's face! That worth the read alone!

Action Comics #18

I predict this issue ends with Superman wedged between a train and a wall.

Last issue, Mr. Mxyzptlk finally woke up. But since he's a fifth dimensional creature, doesn't that mean he's now awake across all moments? So it's like he was never in a coma at all! I'm so confused. Leave it to Grant Morrison to not only tell a multi-Earth tale but to add multiple dimensions and time travel to his story as well! What a show off.

Oh yeah! And Lex Luthor saved Superman's life.

I didn't say he did it with the best of intentions.

Luthor only gets the one chance to divert Doomsday Brand X Superman's attention away from killing Superman because Lex isn't really in the battle armor. He's controlling it remotely from his super secure prison facility vacation home. Once Doomsday Brand X Superman destroys it, Luthor's out of options. But his distraction may have helped save Krypto's life. Although I don't know what kind of a life a dog can have without a soul. Oh wait! Yes I do! A normal one!

If you guys are going to insist on constantly making me sad, I'm going to stop reading your stupid comic book!

Superman doesn't have time to save Krypto because he has a schedule to keep. First on the schedule, punch Doomsday Brand X Superman in the bony face. Second on his schedule, get loaded on Red Kryptonite.

At this point in Superman's life, he's never even met Mr. Mxyzptlk! Poor Supes! Being punished for something he'll never get to do!

Lion-headed Superman soon becomes Ant-headed Superman as Vyndktvx reminds Superman that the Silver Age was a super fun time to be alive. But those days it was Mxyzptlk doing the pranking! It was silly and whimsical. Vyndktvx is a modern day fifth dimensional bastard and he knows some really mean tricks. At this point, I don't even think he wants to kill Supes. He just wants to torture him and make the whole world hate his guts.

Meanwhile in Mr. Mxyzptlk's hospital room, Jimmy Olsen and Lois Lane and Cosmic Man and Saturn Woman and Lightning Man all try to make sense of what is happening. Ferlin Nyxly arrives to add to the chaos. He brings the Superman shirt with his mother's blood on it. He does this because he's supposed to do this. It's one of the reasons he was created. It's all a fifth dimensional plan that three dimensional people can't even begin to see.

So even the stories about Superman buying his shirts were important to the plan!

Apparently Ferlin Nyxly is the key to defeating Vyndktvx. Ferlin was Mxyzptlk's greatest trick not because he created a son that he always wanted but he created a way to defeat Vyndktvx. Ferlin is a Music Therapist and he's also somehow linked to Vyndktvx. So either Ferlin has to sing Vyndktvx into submission or maybe Ferlin simply has to say Vyndktvx's name backwards. Or most probably, Ferlin is roommates with Ambush Bug and he needs to give Irwin a ring to come and save Supes life!

The fight between Superman and Doomsday Brand X Superman is happening in the third dimension but Supes is also battling Vyndktvx in the fourth dimension although Superman sees this battle as the Red Kryptonite hallucinations. Vyndktvx is beginning to get confused trying to comport himself to the rules and boundaries of the third dimension as he controls Doomsday Brand X Superman. Thankfully for Superman, the original Superman, Captain Comet, shows up with his 31st Century team, The Wanderers.

It would have been so much better if he had shown up with Atari Force.

Atari Force defeats the Anti-Superman Army and save Krypto (he'll regrow his soul!) and convince Erik Drekken to evolve into one of them and join Atari Force. Now they're providing psychic cover to help Superman. And then Morrison hits on an interesting aspect of a fifth dimensional attack on a third dimensional person.

For Vyndktvx, this is a spontaneous attack. He hasn't been planning to torture Superman across his whole life. He just threw a tantrum and all of this happened. It's so easy for Vyndktvx that his plan came together in mere moments (if you can call whatever he experiences as time "moments") while Superman has been dealing with it seemingly his entire life. Technically Vyndktvx has as many chances as he wants to defeat Superman. He can just keep coming back again and again and again. But he doesn't. It's just this single time. Which means he must be defeated.

Well, duh! Of course he's going to be defeated! But I like the logic inherent in the situation that implies he absolutely must be beaten here.

And to do so, instead of getting Vyndktvx to say his name backwards, Superman gets everyone on earth to say their names backwards at the same time. He can do this because Vyndktvx has linked everyone's minds so that Superman could feel the pain and anguish and death of mankind. But when everyone says their names backwards, Ferlin says his backwards too. And it's not the one he thought was his.

And so Vyndktvx says his name backwards as well, disappearing into the fifth dimension.

Back in the Fifth Dimension, it's the moment after Vyndktvx killed the king and he's arrested and dragged away. Mxyzptlk's plan came through. Although it wasn't a plan to save Superman at all. It was simply a plan to become King and win the Princess's love. What a little bastard.

Unless it all happened differently. Who can fucking tell?

Action Comics #18 Rating: -1 Ranking. I'm a bit disappointed with this ending. Although it could be my feeble mind that just hasn't put it all together, it was pretty much a super cheesy ending getting everyone to help support Superman with the name trick. But I also think there's a lot I didn't quite follow. I know I should reread the entire Mxyzptlk run but I think I'll leave it as it is for now. Vyndktvx killed a king and threw a tantrum to punish Superman. In the end, Superman's life ends up altered and screwed up from what it could have been, but Superman does not let Ms. Nyxly wish it back to normal because he needs the wish so that Noah Random and his family on Mars don't have their faces melted off. I'm not clear on why or how Ferlin was a part of Vyndktvx except that he was "Mxy's greatest trick." I'm not sure that Legion really did anything to help unless they did slam their time bubble in Vynnie's face to confuse him. And I'm not sure at what point in time the final Day took place, but I guess that isn't really important. It just happens to be a fight that Superman had to wage across his whole life. Luckily it just happens the one time. Umm, as far as Superman knows!

Action Comics #17

Why is Vyndktvx so proud about defeating Superman? That's like me being proud that I crumpled up a picture of a stick figure.

When I began reading last issue, I though it was Grant Morrison's final issue of Action Comics. And then when I finished reading it, I thought this was the final issue of Action Comics written by Morrison. But since the one thing I'm unerringly wrong about is the final issue of things, I imagine Grant Morrison will be writing Action Comics for a really long time. That wouldn't be so bad.

Last issue ended with Super Brand X Superman from Earth 5 (I think) being escorted into Earth Prime by Lex Luthor. Lex wasn't actively trying to make that happen but one thing I've learned from the Young Earth Creationists is that scientists never actually know what they're doing and they only ever discover things on accident and most of the time they're lying anyway. I guess they also taught me that if you can think up a theory in your imagination without any research or evidence, it's just as valid as scientific theories that are in reality laws of the universe. My theory that ghosts are just brains picking up other people's brain waves like a radio signal is probably true because I thought of it and it makes sense if I tell it to you until you're sick of arguing with me.

The other grand event that happened at the end of last issue was the Legion Founders coming back in time to help Lois Lane and Jimmy Olsen bring Mr. Mxyzptlk out of his coma so that he can save Superman's fourth dimensional ass.

This issue begins with a sentimental moment that interferes with getting straight into the action! So I skipped it to get to the good stuff! The comic book doesn't really begin until Superman is getting beaten to death by the Earth 5 Superman with the Superman statue commemorating Superman's first death.

I like the spit curl image on the back of Earth 5 Super Brand X Superman's back.

While Superman is waiting for somebody else to save the days, Lightning Man, Saturn Woman, and Cosmic Man are racing back in time in their Time Bubble to alter everything. These Legion of Super-hero members are from a future where Superman was killed. But their future sucks since Universo took control and hypnotized everyone into being assholes. So they figure, even if it means they'll never exist, they're going to change the past. Except then they won't have existed to change the past and thus Superman will still die and they'll exist to change the past and then...oh fuck it! I already went over this in my commentary on Superboy! But now that Morrison is writing this messed up Back to the Future version of time travel in a comic book I really like, I have to do the fanboy thing and defend it somehow! Perhaps when this kind of event takes place, two time lines become inextricably tied together for all time. Which would mean that the Legion members will continue to exist as if Superman died in the one time line braided to the other timeline where they save Superman's ass. So even if they're successful, they're shitty timeline will still exist. They really can't do anything except be caught in a weird ass time loop that never quite resolves or changes either time line.

So Legion goes back in time but they skip over to the "Superman Lives" timeline when they fix past events. The two timelines would be identical except for the moments changed by Legion and the repercussions of those moments. But in the end, who cares? Vyndktvx can change whatever he wants in either timeline and more without breaking a sweat. So ultimately, I think they still need Mxyzptlk.

Or events happened how they always happened. Or those other travelers on the other side of the overturned truck were Legion returning to make sure Ma and Pa Kent die before Legion can save Ma and Pa Kent because saving Ma and Pa Kent fucks everything up so that Superman dies. Or something. Fuck you, Time Travel!

While Legion does whatever the fuck Legion does while fucking up time and history, Vyndktvx talks to the reader (or maybe someone else that's outside the page that isn't the reader but another character) and describes how he planned the entire thing. He explains each issue and why he did what he did and how it helped to get Superman to his next death. Maybe he's talking to me since I accepted his deal to not help Superman last issue! I'm part of his gang now! Too bad all the losers on Earth didn't accept Vyndktvx's deal!

They're actually helping him! Bah! Why do people always help Superman?!

At some point during Legion's travels, they end up at the side of Mxyzptlk as seen at the end of last issue. Mxyzptlk awakens with his wife's name on his lips. Brand X Superman tears off his face plate and reveals he's an amalgamation of Doomsday and Superman. And Lex Luthor arrives to complicate things further.

Or help. It's hard to tell with that asshole.

I also forgot to mention that the last time The Anti-Superman Army were shown, they were trying to devour Krypto's soul with their Blue Kryptonite. But Superman spoke with Erik Drekken the Unevolved Man and told him he was still a good scientist and Superman believed in him. And how can someone fight that? So when Superman's brawl took him away from that scene, perhaps Erik saved Krypto's doggy soul. As if dogs have souls! I mean, if people don't, why would dogs?! Maybe dolphins have souls. But that's it!

The Sholly Fisch back-up story was a bunch of emotional pap that didn't make me feel anything! Although it might have made me sick because I suddenly need to blow my nose. Really, it wasn't worth reading at all! In fact, it spoils the end of this entire run because you find out that Superman survives! Oh look! Now I've spoiled issue #18 as well! It's just so hard to concentrate with tears splashing all over my keyboard and this erratic breathing.

Action Comics #17 Rating: No change because it's already tied with Batman at #1. Which means it's one of the best comic books of The New 52. Which is weird because I generally don't care much for Superman stories. But I do like alternate dimension and time travel stories! But I don't like stories that show future Superman getting to talk with Pa Kent one last time on the night Pa Kent dies! Sholly Fisch is a jerk that likes to make people sad!