Justice League #9

Barry and Diana take in the sites in San Francisco.

My favorite place to visit in San Francisco is the Ripley's Believe It or Not! Museum. Where else in the world can you wander musty halls looking at newspaper clippings stapled to the wall that describe the most fantastic people and events and ask you, without any more proof, to believe it or not! I think some people treat places like Natural History Museums this same way! Hell, they treat reality this way! "Let's see. I'll believe the article from a fringe conspiracy site which, if I look around the web, has been copy and pasted with all of the same exact typos to dozens of different 'news' sites but I'm not going to believe an article with references and sources because it's totally biased and shit." Fuck you.

Batman and Alfred begin working on identifying where the malicious code came from. I don't want to criticize Batman but there's surely an easier way to figure out who has attacked the Justice League without rooting through computer code. You know that the last tragedy the Justice League prevented from destroying the world resulted in one death. And you know how people always blame the person who didn't save their dead family member instead of blaming the thing that caused the death, right? Well shit! It doesn't take Sherlock Holmes' stupid, younger, rarely heard of brother to figure this case out! Go to Denver and start beating the shit out of Diane Palmer's husband! Or daughter, maybe? One of them, for sure though!

Meanwhile in San Francisco, Simon Baz's ring is kicking everybody's ass. While Aquaman is being killed by it, he mutters, "Never would have happened to Jordan." I'm not going to do the research on this but I'm willing to bet it, and worse, has happened to Jordan! He's been around for too long not to have had some shitty ass writer write this same exact story previously! Plus, Jordan is so cocky that he probably once dared some evil mastermind to hack his ring and then his ring was hacked and he was all, "Oops!" And Barry was probably in the background muttering, "Never would have happened to Guy Gardner."

These assholes were more destructive than the Kindred!

The damage in the above scan is just the beginning. Simon's ring knocks him the fuck out with one punch from a light construct boxing glove and the ring begins flipping the fuck out again. Aquaman's big suggestion is to run because...well, because he's Aquaman and he sucks.

How cute. Look at Bryan Hitch trying to do the science!

While The Flash outraces the light construct Omega Beams, Aquaman goes underwater to make the sea life battle for him. They probably win or something because who cares? Aquaman is the worst.

I guess Superman is on vacation with Lois at the Hoover Dam? I suppose nobody has contacted him for help. It's not like Batman would call him. And Batman isn't even worried about the rest of the team having to battle a Green Lantern ring. He's too busy trying to trace the source of the code.

Batman figures out the source of the code before Alfred can even finish making tea. You'll be completely surprised by the culprit: Diane Palmer's husband, James!

It isn't logical at all! Not at all! FUCK YOU!

How fucking sad is it that I knew who the culprit was after reading the first page of this story arc? Fuck you idiot writers with this whole blame the heroes for not saving somebody killed by a villain. Just eat a dick. Unless you enjoy eating dick and then eat some dog shit.

I suppose there might be a few writers at DC who enjoy eating both dick and dog shit but I figure those two choices probably cover a substantial amount of them.

Cyborg kills himself which allows him to reboot without the malicious code. Because that totally works on other machines. Sometimes when my computer is running super slow because I've looked at so much Dark Net Porn that it's absolutely riddled with viruses, I just reboot and everything is okay. Maybe what Cyborg did was more akin to reinstalling the operating system? It's the same thing that happens to the Green Lantern ring although I don't know why. Flash's idea to stop the ring is to attack Simon with deadly force so that the ring would reboot to factory settings which destroys the code and saves Simon's life! Somehow.

Now I want to read a murder mystery written by Bryan Hitch because he seemingly has no idea how to write a story using cause and effect. I think he just gets an idea for a bad thing to happen and then makes up a stupid way for that bad thing to be introduced. Then he writes some dramatic action scenes until the page count is almost over and then he comes up with a stupid thing which saves the day but makes no sense and can be explained by an analogy that has no relationship to the event. Then he has a self-congratulatory jerk off while lying on his back and tries to catch his load in his own mouth.

After Simon's ring is defeated by nonsense, the Justice League head to Denver to have a word with James Palmer. Maybe two words! Two words and six middle fingers!

The Ranking!
-1 Ranking! Bryan Hitch is terrible and this story is his worst so far. Maybe his editors are worse because it really isn't Bryan Hitch's responsibility to know how many times the Justice League has had to battle a family member of a victim who blame the Justice League! But somebody should have been, "You know. We really already had this story in the last five years with the David Graves story. And then there was the Superman and Wonder Woman story with Magog that nobody probably remembers. And, I mean, even if you have Batman saying that blaming the heroes who failed to save a loved one is logical, it very fucking well isn't at all. So stop this stupid bullshit and write something original and interesting! Plus get off of that glory hole; you've been bogarting it for like ever, Bryan!"

Justice League #8

Fucking scofflaw.

Who at DC Comics was reading Bryan Hitch's Justice League of America and thought, "Fucking hell! This is our guy for the biweekly Justice League Rebirth series! Speaking of Hitch's Justice League, is he ever going to finish the Justice League of America story? Somebody call Bedard and get him to work on fixing that crap." To be fair, I don't think this comic book has been late yet. To be less than fair, I haven't been keeping track and don't actually know if that's the case. I should probably do some research to back up my opinions seeing as how this is still, technically, a Pre-Trump society. I can't wait until January 20th when I never again have to back up my ignorant assumptions and speculative conclusions with actual facts! Apparently all I need to do is photoshop some crazy memes to defend everything I say.

The issue begins with Cyborg upset that they couldn't save everybody from the alien invasion which happened in the first story arc. He shouldn't blame himself though. He should blame shitty writers who need to make every threat an End of the World scenario. In those cases, the Justice League can only react, save as many people as possible, and end eventually end the threat after massive destruction. That massive destruction is important for the writer to show that the threat was serious! But imagine if the writer could show that the threat was serious before it got to Earth and then had the Justice League struggling to stop the threat before it destroyed any city on Earth. That would show how heroic the team really was without having to stick in bullshit moments like this where Cyborg thinks about how the Justice League are actually just huge failures.

Cyborg should also be putting the families of every victim on a Super-Villain Watchlist because you know at least a few of them are going to blame the Justice League for not saving every single life and they'll dedicate themselves to the destruction of the League. Maybe he's not doing that because Batman already whipped up the spreadsheet and purchased the bugs and cameras for the vicims' houses.

This issue is called "Outbreak" so it looks like the beginning of the next story will be Cyborg thinking about how the Justice League couldn't save everybody. Again.

Oh, excuse me. On the second page, the news notes that Diane Palmer was the only fatality of the Kindred's attack. Well, holy fuck. What the fucking bullshit hell are you whinging on about then, Cyborg?! Because by any stretch of the imagination, if only one person died during the destruction shown in the Kindred story, you should be fucking high-fiving Batman! I mean, attempting to high-five Batman as he stares you down with his Bat-Death-Stare. Like me, he only high-fives children under six years of age. Everybody else, we just leave hanging, bitches.

So only one person died. Remember the surname "Palmer" for future reference. Because somebody named Palmer is going to blame the Justice League for his or her wife's/mother's/daughter's/sister's death and they're going to be coming for the Justice League!

You know what? I'm not even going to attribute Diane Palmer's death to the Kindred's attack! If the Justice League were able to save everybody else around the world from the strongest earthquakes ever felt all happening at the same time when even earthquakes that would barely stop a Californian from complaining about their name being misspelled on a Starbuck's coffee cup kill thousands of people in other places around the world, how is it that Diane Palmer managed to die? It's such an anomaly that I can't believe the Justice League wouldn't have been able to save her too. I think she probably broke her neck falling down after jumping for joy due to surviving the attack. The Justice League can't be expected to save every klutz in the world from accidentally killing themselves!

This is terrible math. Superman giving up his life to save one person? That's an incalculable net loss to the good in the world. Regular people should heroically refuse to let a superhero die for them and take the bullet instead! What was Diane Palmer ever going to do for the world? Pay for the McDonald's meal of the person in the car behind her in the drive-thru and brag about it on Facebook? Shit, now I'm glad she's dead!

Cyborg is busy spying on the entire world in the Watchtower when he has a really profound thought. He's all, "I can hear something, like a background noise in the live feed." Then, dramatically, he stops. He cocks his head a bit to the side while looking a bit confused. Then his eyes grow wide and he says, "No! Not a background noise...it's more like a foreground image!" Whoa! Mind fucking blown, man! It's not a noise at all! And it's not even in the background! IT WAS AN IMAGE IN THE FOREGROUND ALL ALONG! Fucking Hitchcock is probably masturbating in Hell over this right now and muttering, "That could have been the premise to the sequel to The Birds! I'm such a fucking idiot! Du dun duh duh duh duh duh dun dun dun."

Cyborg has noticed a code hidden in the photons. Do you want me to repeat that? It won't stop you from wanting to punch yourself in the brain but you might not believe what I just wrote: Cyborg has found a code hidden in photons. I can't even parse what that means! Cyborg can see photons? Does it mean Cyborg doesn't see images at all because his visual data is simply billions of photons slamming into his eyeball? It's like looking up at a hail storm except brighter and more dumb.

I bet I know what the code says! It probably says, "Happy, Happy Halloween! Halloween! Halloween! Happy, Happy Halloween! Silver Shamrock!"

In the Batcave, Alfred offers to make Bruce a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Please. Alfred has never made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich in his life. He's a fucking butler for the rich and wealthy! But before he can sully his hands with that working class monstrosity of a sandwich, he notices the Batcomputer has been hacked! Batman is all, "But nothing should be able to get through these firewalls! Alfred? Alfred! Did you see where I was pointing when I said that? At my balls!"

Cyborg winds up hacked just by looking at the code. So it's kind of like propaganda!

Batman just finished installing software that made his vehicles autonomous, so that's convenient. Now that they've been hacked, they begin trying to kill Bruce and Alfred. Maybe this will get Bruce to reconsider how he refuses to use a gun but still arms his vehicles with the most deadly weapons he can browbeat Lucius Fox into designing. How about equipping the batmobiles with batarangs, asshole? I guess if the rockets and bullets are shot from a vehicle, Bruce can pretend that they're just used for shooting other vehicles. It still seems like a stupidly dangerous idea for a guy who refuses to kill anybody.

Bruce's vehicles begin destroying themselves. That's what happens when you program them to destroy Superman the next time he comes around unannounced!

Cyborg is funny walking around the Watchtower trying to figure out how to stop it from reentering the Earth's atmosphere since after he was hacked, he looked at the Watchtower and it was hacked by the photons too. So now it's going to crash to the Earth and kill more people than Diane Palmer. Good job, Justice League!

The Justice League really needs to find a way to stop having their powers and technology used against them and the world. They might be the biggest threat of all. It just takes one hacker or mind controller or jerko Greek God to transform the Justice League from saviors to killers.

The malicious code forces Cyborg to throw himself out of the airlock. But once he's in space, the code is gone! He's back online! Now all he has to do is grab the Watchtower and pull it back into orbit using his, um, uh...white noise blaster? Maybe?

Oh, it's only going to hit San Francisco? They'll probably appreciate the influx of technology! Some angel will probably pass by and throw a wad of cash at the burning wreckage and say, "I'm in!"

Back in the Batcave, even the dinosaur trophy comes to life and attacks. That's some crazy powerful code! I guess everybody is going to have to stop looking at everything. Where's Daredevil when you need him?!

Meanwhile in Denver, Diane Palmer's kids are wondering what their dad is up to in the garage. Probably jerking off to violent porn. I can't imagine what else he might be doing, right?!

Cyborg saves San Francisco by opening up a BOOM Tube and sending the Watchtower back into orbit, along with a shit-ton of momentum! It's probably just going to speed right out into space now! Except, you know, Bryan Hitch doesn't know anything about science and stuff. He thinks you can put code on photons and somebody could see that code!

Cyborg manages to survive falling out of orbit by using the Transamerica pyramid to break his fall before smashing into a car on the street. As he lands, the hacker opens up a few more BOOM Tubes and Wonder Woman, The Flash, Aquaman, and Green Lantern Simon Baz fall out. Luckily none of them were shitting when they were taken.

Don't worry, Alfred. It's only because you're being written by Bryan Hitch. You're saying plenty of witty and passive aggressive things about Bruce over in Tom King's Batman.

Alfred and Batman manage to stop the final vehicle and isolate the malicious code. Good thing Batman wasn't BOOM Tubed to San Francisco so he can do the intelligent work of tracing the hack back to Diane Palmer's garage. I mean, back to whoever is responsible for it. It can't be just some guy whose wife died, right? Unless he's in the garage sucking the cock of some technology demon, there's no way he wrote code onto photons which could hack Cyborg's operating system and also Green Lantern's ring. Oh yeah, the story ends with the code jumping to Simon Baz's ring and it flips the fuck out on everybody.

The Ranking!
+0! This series isn't exactly terribly written. It's just sort of stupid in the way it goes about presenting the conflicts. I always hate saying that my comic books need to be somewhat believable because comic books are made up of 95% post-unbelievable waste product. That statement makes as much sense as everything in a Bryan Hitch comic book. Unless it makes more sense even though it doesn't make much sense!

The Hellblazer #4

This looks like a cover for The Watchtower. "Top Ten Tips For Asking Jesus To Keep Your Tie From Getting Caught In Your Bicycle Chain."

• This issue begins with John Constantine tied up next to Chas. Well fuck that. My favorite part of kidnapping stories is when they tie the person to the chair! I can't get enough of amateurs tying ridiculous knots that you know will never hold! One time, I saw a kidnapper tie someone with a few slipped round turns! Ridiculous! Or, like in this comic book, when they tie two people together back to back and think that's going to hold! People are squishy! You can generate a lot of slack just by puffing out your belly when you're being tied! Then, once everything seems taut and in place, you suck in your belly, deflate your lungs, collapse your ribcage, and voila! You're free! Idiots.

• Constantine knows the bookie thugs from school. Apparently they're racist assholes. Come on, Oliver! Not all bookies are racist violent assholes! Some are just violent assholes! Although I probably shouldn't assume that Simon Oliver is commenting on all bookie thugs just by his characterization of this one. Although a large number of citizens did vote for Brexit due to their fear of foreigners coming into the country, so maybe this guy's racist tendencies are less because he's a bookie and more just because he's a working class Brit.

• I'm not slagging off Brits! I'm an American! We have even more racist working class and president elects than they do! Also more racist everything elses, like whatever you call the other classes in America that aren't working class. First and business?

• The racist bookie wants John to teach him how to pick horses before he blows John's head off with his shotgun. That seems dangerous. If I knew somebody who could do real magic, I don't think I'd try to force them to teach me a spell. They might teach me a spell that causes me to not feel when I have to take a shit anymore! And I'd have the added embarrassment that I cast it on myself!

• Constantine sends the bookie, White Boy, out to get some magical supplies. He's just stalling until the genies show up. This is like a movie by that guy who married Madonna! You know the guy! He made that heist movie called Vagina, and that other one, Two Smoking Barrels and a Microphone!

• So that was the first quarter of the comic, spent in Chas's kitchen arguing with a racist jerko. The next quarter will be about Swamp Thing as he waits for Mercury to return from her wormhole adventures. He's probably going to fight a bunch of Rotlings during this part. It's probably a good time to go to the bathroom. All you'll miss out on is a poorly choreographed fight between a plant and a decaying pile of ooze.

Hurry back! It's almost over!

• Constantine had better hurry up and get out of the chair he's tied to because Swamp Thing isn't doing well battling The Rot inside The Rot. But right now, John's too busy trying to convince Chas that Chas isn't going to die even though every person who ever winds up in a comic book with Constantine winds up dead. Well, maybe not every person. But a lot of them! Although most of those that die, John didn't rely upon for transportation.

• By chanting a bunch of Latin words, Constantine stalls long enough for the genies to arrive. At least I think the words are Latin. They look like the kind of words I've seen inscribed on pretentious marble structures.

• The Djinn arrive and kill all of the racist assholes because racist assholes aren't allowed to live happily ever after in stories. It would be irresponsible of a writer to portray a world where being racist and an asshole (I mean, a major asshole and not just a minor asshole!) brings you success and good fortune! I suppose there are stories where the racist pretty much wins in the end, like Othello. But right up front, the author makes sure the audience knows that the story is a tragedy and that everybody should be sad when Othello loves so well that he murders Ophelia. Unless it was Desdemona who he murdered. Or Cleopatra.

• Constantine shows up at Mercury's farm just as she and Swamp Thing return from The Rot. Mercury didn't find Abby but she found traces of Djinn, just like Constantine. So now, after four long issues, Mercury is going to be a main character! My boner is celebrating.

The Review!
The majority of this story takes place with the main character tied to a chair in a dirty London kitchen. When the violent action does take place, it happens off-panel and in the dark. Sure, there's a scene or two where Swamp Thing battles some Rot Monsters but I think that was thrown in to compensate for the lack of action elsewhere. The thing is, Swamp Thing's bit was the worst part of the story. I wouldn't have minded if it was left out and replaced by a few more pages of Chas and Constantine discussing how dolphins are total bastards. I'm now a fan of Simon Oliver's writing. And I'm lucky enough that one of my favorite artists, Moritat, is providing the scenery. Four stars! Or whatever.

Batman Beyond Rebirth #1

When did Todd McFarlane start doing covers for DC?

This week, DC Comics' New Talent Showcase #1 hits the shelves. While I enjoy writing about how badly other people write, do I really want to spend $7.99 to break the hearts of young writers getting their first big break? Unless this isn't their first big break at all. Or they're not young. Or they don't have any hearts to break because they're cold, calculating Scott Lobdell types who conned their way into getting a comic book gig. I probably won't buy it but it's a question mark on my list of comics to pick up on Wednesday. It's unlikely that I'll buy it because it's a talent show and none of the writers are related to me. Why should I waste my time?

Is New Talent Showcase #1 like those poetry collections that accept poems from everybody who sends one in because they know each poem published means a certain number of sales from that person's family and friends? Oh, and Harley Quinn is on the cover! So that will cover the other costs of publishing what, I'm guessing, will be, essentially, garbage.

The way Batman Beyond Rebirth #1 begins makes me thankful that I decided, before reading it, to strike it from my reading list. It begins with the caption "Several decades from now." But it's not the caption that made me cringe! It's the font and style of the caption box! It's Futures End! Is that the name of the style? Like Helvetica or Jokerman? Probably!

This story is called "Escaping the Grave, Part 1." What's wrong with Dan Jurgens? This is a Rebirth issue! It's not supposed to have more than just the one part! Unless the other parts are also in this issue, I'm going to be upset. I mean, I'm already upset because I can't help assuming that the other parts won't be in this issue! This isn't my usual, irrational anger either! I have evidence that proves Dan Jurgens doesn't know the conventions of comic book serial storytelling! The final five issues of the regular Batman Beyond comic book made up the story "Wired for Death." But it was a four part story with an epilogue. I wouldn't have a problem with that except the climactic fight took place in the epilogue! That's not how fucking epilogues work, Dan Jurgens! I suppose that evidence might not mean Dan Jurgens doesn't understand how to write stories. It could also just mean that he's terrible at planning and thought "Wired for Death" was only going to take four issues. But then editorial probably threw some mandates at him and he had to scramble to change some stuff and needed one more issue to make it all work. Which is probably why the final issue of the story has a Guest Artist and Guest Inker! Because the contracts for Bernard Chang and Marcelo Maiolo were up at the end of the original length of the story.

Why am I rationalizing this for Dan Jurgens?! He's a grown robot! He can defend himself! I'd rather just believe that Dan Jurgens can't handle the basics of writing conventions! Although, since he's a robot built in the middle of the 1980s without any extra memory or input ports to learn anything new after he was built, I should be blaming his programmer.

Also, the previous paragraphs were about Dan Jurgens and his inability to understand writing conventions! Leave me out of it!

Being that this is Rebirth, it's time for a new take on Batman Beyond! Which, of course, is the old take! I can't really blame DC Comics for ditching The New 52 to try to recapture their old universe. Mostly because DC Comics never took advantage of The New 52! It was supposed to be a time for trying new things and really changing things up! Instead, they just offered bland recyclings of the same old characters but without any history or legions of supporting characters. I won't admit to typing this and will later delete it and deny its existence but Ann Nocenti might have been the most cutting edge writer of The New 52. By not understanding any of the characters she was allowed to molest, she wrote the most drastically different versions of old characters in The New 52! I mean, could anybody recognize her Green Arrow as being DC's Green Arrow? Or Catwoman? Or Katana? Or even Klarion! Wow, was she terrible! But fuck was she fun to discuss! I'll miss her terribly!

Like the narrator of Robert Frost's "Birches", I hope I'm not misunderstood by making that statement! I don't want her back! I just want to acknowledge how much I enjoyed it when she was around!

Oh, back to the new take on Batman Beyond! This time it's Terry McGinnis battling the Jokerz in Neo-Gotham! See? Everything new is old again! Or is that statement supposed to be the other way around? Whatever!

Terry McGinnis tells his origin story right off the bat because this is Rebirth! Best to get that out of the way for all of the new readers who picked up this book because they thought it was the new issue of Venom.

Bruce Wayne was out walking Ace. Except he forgot Ace.

Somebody on my Facebook feed just posted something called the Saran Wrap Ball Christmas Game. I'm sure most people who have no life and actually have a Facebook account have seen it by now! But I just wanted to point out an idiotic alternate rule of the game. In the game, somebody rolls two dice. When they get doubles, the Saran Wrap Ball is passed to the next person who gets to begin unwrapping it. The alternate rules state that you can "maybe use just one of the dice and pick a number that has to be hit to pass the ball." If they've added this rule because they think that might make the turns go faster then they've got another think coming. It's the same odds to role doubles on two dice as to role a specific number on one die: 1 in 6. If that's not the reason for the alternate rule, why even use two dice in the first place? Just use one die because you're less apt to lose one off the table. It's much easier to control one random element than two! Especially when, I'm assuming, everybody is drunk and half-naked!

Terry walked Bruce home to his mansion where he slipped him some drugs. While he was passed out, Terry fiddled with his clock and suddenly found himself in Bruce's batcave. Charges were never pressed. Instead, Terry became the next Batman! This way of finding an apprentice is even worse than touring Willy Wonka's Chocolate Factory of Death.

Bruce normally wouldn't take in an apprentice with such a normal family life so he had to rush out and murder Terry's father before Terry got home. You can't have a sidekick who discovers your secret identity and doesn't have dead parents! That would be the worst sidekick ever! So boring! So bland! So not sexy at all! So annoying! The worst! Awful! Terrible! Are the Tim Drake fans angry at me yet?

But now, years later, Batman must be dead. I mean, he's probably not dead since his death in Futures End never happened. But he's currently not in the Batcave helping Terry. So Terry has to work with Barbara Gordon and probably his brother Matt. That stuff will probably be cleared up in the next half of this comic book: "Escaping the Grave, Part 2!" I'm still assuming that will take place in this comic book! I haven't abandoned all hope for Dan Jurgens' writing ability yet!

Terry begins to believe The Joker might actually still be alive. Of course he is! And so is Batman! And this comic book will eventually stage another final fight between Bruce and The Joker! I don't think Dan Jurgens has gotten to write that story yet, unlike every other writer ever. That's probably because Dan got to write the Death of Superman! The real one and not one of those What If stories or Alternate Timeline fanfics!

Dana Tan, a social worker and most likely suspect in the taking of Terry's virginity, has ventured, unknowingly, into Jokerz Town! With a Z!

I hope The Boss is senile Bruce Wayne in face paint!

Terry decides to suit up and shut down Jokerz Town now that it's become personal! Dana is currently being kept in Terminal's club, No Laughing Matter. He reveals to her his big secret: he's trying to resurrect The Joker! OMG! WTF! BRB!

Okay, I'm back! I just couldn't get over the shock of that huge revelation! I mean, I'm going to assume it's actually The Joker who is being resurrected because that's a big deal for a Batman book. But the body in the hospital bed is pretty fucking ripped. It looks more like Lobo than The Joker! Has Ryan Sook never seen The Joker before?!

Wouldn't it be a great twist if Terminal really was resurrecting Lobo?! I'd read that comic book, even if Dan Jurgens were still writing it!

The Review!
Even if this comic book had done something super interesting as opposed to something super typical and expected, I probably wouldn't keep reading it. I just can't keep up with all of these comic books anymore now that I'm seriously working on other projects. Also, I've never been interested in Batman Beyond. And they aren't going to make me more interested by bringing back the actual Joker. Enough of that guy! I'm fairly certain he was played out years ago. Just like his moll has been played out in recent years! I'm starting a petition for no more Harley Quinn and Joker stories! Just write your name on whatever bathroom stall you're sitting in while reading this. If we get enough signatures, something will happen! Right? Politics!

Teen Titans #24

I thought they already fell? Multiple times!

The Commentary!
Last night I was at work when the clock ticked over from the 25th to the 26th and I became as middle-aged as anybody can get. Forty-five. I was listening to my Shuffle so the last song I heard as a forty-four year old was "One Headlight" by The Wallflowers and the first song I heard as an old man was "Obsession" by Marina and the Diamonds. Let's hear it for aging!

"One Headlight" was big when I was in my mid-twenties. It kind of became the soundtrack for my life at the time as I was desperate to get out of the place I'd spent the first quarter century of my life. I hadn't changed. I knew I wasn't the same. I wanted to watch it all burn. I'm particularly proud of myself that I didn't set fire to the Netscape warehouse I managed when I quit my job and, a week later, was driving my Volkswagen bus across the United States. I'm also proud that I didn't burn each and every state on my way out. I'm just proud that I stopped setting fires!

This issue takes place after Red Robin died. He didn't actually die but he was yanked out of continuity much the same way Wally West was. But instead of telling fans Red Robin is gone forever and never actually existed (which they believed because most fans are dum-dums who don't know how to fact check by looking at their own pirated copies of comic books on their laptops to prove that Wally West did actually exist and DC Comics never actually created some time distorting technology which erased Wally West from everybody's minds), Red Robin was shown, in the very same comic in which he died, to still be alive but outside of DC Continuity with Doctor Oz(yman(hattan)dias) and Ambush Bug. I'm starting to think maybe Doctor Oz is Jonni DC and not Ozymandias and/or Doctor Manhattan like the fans have been told. Or maybe Doctor Oz is simply Irwin Schwab!

Sometimes I wish Keith Giffen were running DC Comics. I wouldn't even care if every comic book repeated the same five jokes over and over again. Because that would be the only predictable thing about a Keith Giffen DC Universe. Remember how they gave Stan Lee his own continuity? Why can't Keith Giffen have one of those?

Anyway, Red Robin is dead (but not really! I don't want somebody who thinks they're the biggest Red Robin fan ever reading about his death here and not realizing that DC made sure that the fans knew Red Robin wasn't really dead in the exact same issue because who wants to hear how loudly Red Robin fans can whine?) so this issue is all about the Teen Titans remembering their favorite Red Robin moments. I hope Wonder Girl's favorite time was when they were living on that yacht and she is all, "I loved that time he put his penis in me!" And then Raven will be all, "I loved that time he put his penis that smelled like Wonder Girl's vagina in me!"

Bunker begins Memory Sharing Time!

"I loved that time he put his penis that smelled like Wonder Girl's vagina and Raven's tonsils in my butthole."

Just to let all three of you know, I only got as far as that first panel before deciding Red Robin, possessed by Trigon, also fucked Bunker.

But, um, it looks like things might be going that way!

After they had sex, Tim and Bunker go clothes shopping and then Tim attends his first gay pride parade. He makes a lot of friends, goes to a lot of parties, and sucks a lot of dicks. I don't mean to say gay men are more promiscuous than straight men (of course they aren't! It's just that, you know, if you're a man looking to just fuck and the people you're looking to just fuck happen to be other men just looking to fuck, well...you know what? I'm now gay), it's just that Tim just discovered he loves sucking dick and that's not a time you instantly decide you're ready for a relationship!

So, um, anyway, that was Bunker's favorite memory of Tim. It was the day Tim came out of the closet. Unless that was just Trigon getting in as much fucking as he could while people found him attractive.

Fucking liberal entertainment artists! They can never get the American flag right but they get the rainbow flag correct! I mean, except for that one that has too many stripes and just begins repeating the rainbow pattern.

I suppose the reason DC's artists get the American Flag wrong so often is that most of them aren't Americans. So why should they know the specifics of why the flag is the way it is (although if I had to bet, I'd probably say a higher percentage of Americans can't explain why our flag looks the way it does)? They probably just do a Google Image Search and go, "Yeah. Right. Blue field. Bunch of white stars. Alternating red and white stripes. Got it!" Why would anybody think there's a specific number of stars and stripes?! Just stick on as many as you possibly can. That seems to sum up America pretty accurately, right?!

Next Power Girl shares her favorite memory of Tim. Oh! I know how that probably begins: "So, Tim introduced himself as Red Robin and I was all, 'Hi, I'm Power Girl.' Then he died."

I wasn't far off! Her memory is Tim telling a bad joke and then saying it's nice to know somebody who knows as much as he does. So, she, um, just fucking told all of Tim's friends that, in private, he thought they were morons? Great story, Power Girl!

Tim also helped Power Girl realize she had no obligation to cut a Boob Window into her costume. See? Gay!

Next up: Raven! I bet her story is all about feelings. I'm bored just imagining what it will be!

How many Titans were created to be living weapons?

I didn't have to scan as much of that panel as I did but I wanted to include Raven's crotch and Tim's stupid hair.

Tim is all, "Look, maybe I don't know what it's like being Trigon's daughter...but I know what it's like being in her! OH!" No, actually he mentions how they both have Daddy Issues. Yawn! If Wonder Girl's favorite memory isn't having sex with Tim, I think that's pretty telling about Tim Drake's sexual skills. I guess Batman didn't teach him everything he knows!

Wow! He's supposed to be a genius?! Tim sure read that situation wrong. Batman didn't see a spark of goodness! Batman saw a spark of his own sperm in Damian's genetic makeup!

Gar's memory is just a list of outing past Robin's identities. "Oh, the first one was Dick Grayson. I remember that for some reason even though Spyral erased all of our memories. And then the next one, the dead one, was Jason Todd. Then there's Tim Drake who we only knew as Red Robin for like the first five years we knew him. And then the latest one is Damian Wayne so, you know, guess who Batman is!" I don't really care one way or the other about secret identities. I wouldn't care if they were just left behind and writers simply ignored the idea that family members might get hurt simply to get at the heroes. But it's really hard to tell how much superheroes in the DC Universe care about their identities. Who knows what? How many people has Batman come out to as Bruce Wayne simply to get their confidence up? This is the kind of carelessness which you treat a secret that you don't really give a shit about keeping secret. Unlike that time you fucked the family dog. I mean, you don't tell that one to anybody!

Nope. Wrong. That would be Dick. Thanks for playing.

I do appreciate that Power Girl's funeral attire has a Boob Window, even if her costume doesn't. Totally more appropriate for a funeral anyway. The best place to look sexy is in a room of grief-stricken people just looking to feel life again. I bet more fucking goes on at wakes than at any other type of get together. Which is weird because often it's mostly a mini-family reunion. First cousins aren't technically incest, right? And if they are, there's always the family dog, I suppose.

I'm glad the Titans are telling stories about the good times they had because every issue of the Teen Titans since The New 52 began concentrated on only the bad times. I'm surprised they have any good time stories to tell!

Wonder Girl's story is about shopping with Tim but she doesn't mention the night they fucked! So in summary, shopping with Tim is better than fucking Tim. Totally would have guessed that.

Wonder Girl's story isn't just about shopping though. She and Tim actually did something heroic that day and saved a bunch of people trapped in a fire. So the Teen Titans do help out and save lives! It's just that those stories are super boring and nobody wants to hear them! I guess the fans would rather have lots of stupid relationship drama while the Titans are attacked by their enemies and nearly destroy New York. Then afterward, they pat themselves on the back for saving New York when New York was never in trouble to begin with! Stupid Titans are so stupid. I hate them. I wonder why I have so many of their comic books?! I wonder if I should see a therapist?

After they tell their stories, they all decide it's best to just break up. They all go off to do their own things and not matter separately instead of not mattering together. Meanwhile, Damian is in the Batcave laughing at Tim Drake's empty costume and dancing on his grave. Now all of the Robin's have died at least once! Plus he's probably thinking about how he can put together a Teen Titans that is better than any Teen Titans ever put together by a Robin (which is, like, all of them? Maybe 98% of them?).

Ranking!
+1! Tony Bedard should have been writing this comic book from the beginning. What Tony Bedard just did with these final issues is the equivalent of scraping dog shit off of the front walk and hosing what's left into the gutter so that nobody would ever know it was there. Also, the shit in my analogy is human shit.

Teen Titans #23

Beast Boy is definitely wishing Queen Bee was wearing a skirt.

The Things!
• Batman calls up Tim Drake to let him know that the Teen Titans are no longer fugitives. Amanda Waller decided she didn't want any of the arrogant bastards in her prison and she pulled a few of her millions of strings to make sure the Teen Titans never have to take responsibility for all of the stupid, illegal bullshit the other terrible writers of this comic book had them do. Everybody associated with the Teen Titans, and everybody who loves the Teen Titans, should be queuing up to kiss Tony Bedard's ass because he's finally making this team into an interesting, cohesive unit that might actually make themselves useful to the world.

• Exhibit A: This is cute and adorable and Teen Titany.

• The Titans are hanging out in New Orleans because, as teenagers, they can probably find dozens of different places to drink. I mean, you can find dozens of places to drink in any city if you're underage. It's just easier in New Orleans because everybody is loopy from the constant jazz music.

• The city comes under a psychic assault by The H.I.V.E. Red Robin shows he's a genius by getting the leader of the H.I.V.E.'s name wrong. She's the H.I.V.E. Mistress! Or possibly Queen Bee! But not H.I.V.E. Queen, dum-dum! Unless she's currently Hector Hammond?

• I wonder how many people I've called "dum-dum" in my life when I was in the wrong? Maybe all of those other dum-dums should be more confident in their opinions!

• Everybody in New Orleans is mind-controlled which is a perfect time for anybody who resisted the mind-control to do all of the illegal shit they've always been wanting to do. Then if they get caught, they can just plead mind-control like everybody else!

• All of the New Orleanseans begin buzzing which is probably a bad sign although it might just be something they do down there in the Big Easy.

• Why is it called the Big Easy? Because it's easy for minors to find places to drink?

• Somebody's vagina is exploding!

• The H.I.V.E. Queen tells the Teen Titans her plan because overconfidence looks good on a super villain. So sexy.

• The H.I.V.E. Queen (who really is Queen Bee but they're not calling her that even though Red Robin points out this is the same person who almost defeated Superman when she attempted this plan in Metropolis awhile back) has decided to take over the world again but this time she chose to start in New Orleans because New Orleans doesn't have a Superman defending it. Too bad the Teen Titans were on vacation!

• Red Robin makes up some science and technology so his plan to find the H.I.V.E. Queen seems feasible. It's not though because psionics don't work the way he thinks they work! Anybody who listens to Coast to Coast AM knows that it works via shifts in tonal vibrations and not bio-chemical heat signatures. Duh!

• Red Robin sacrifices his teammates to find the H.I.V.E. Queen so now it's just Red Robin versus the world. Or at least New Orleans which, if you're from New Orleans, you already agreed with the "world" part.

• The H.I.V.E. Queen tries to read Red Robin's mind when he and Raven fall victim to her power at the foot of her command center. That's when she screams in terror and passes out. I bet that was an old Batman trick! He probably trained his mind to project Two Girls, One Cup whenever he's mind-controlled.

• So exactly what I said. Grandmaster Comic Book Reader!

• Come on, Tony Bedard! At least come up with a crazy example of Red Robin's "four-dimensional logic puzzle" instead of just saying "It was a way more complex form of 'What is the sound of one hand clapping?'" Especially since everybody knows the sound of one hand clapping is a kind of inhuman screech.

• Red Robin apologizes that he used the Teen Titans like pawns and the stupidest one of the group, Gar, is all, "Chess analogy! I know a chess analogy!" Please. I might believe Garfield would have come up with a retort if it were a checkers analogy but what does that moron know about chess? I'm super smart and I can't even name all of the pieces!

The Review
And thus ends the Golden Age of the Teen Titans! Future generations will look back on The New 52 Teen Titans as the most brilliant example of how not to write a comic book. It seems a bit unfair for me to state that at the end of Tony Bedard's run which was probably the only readable bit of the Teen Titans in the last five years. It's insane to even think that he wrote anything coherent with the flaming wreck he was given to deal with. It was like an entire city was on fire and he was tasked with saving the mayor's gerbil in the center of the conflagration and he managed it. Also the mayor's gerbil started the fire so it's odd that anybody wanted to save the little bastard. I just hope Bedard's run doesn't wind up being just a glimmer of what the series could have been if Benjamin Percy tanks his turn at the wheel.

Oh, my mistake! There's one more issue!

Teen Titans #22

Finally! They're where they belong!

The Review!
The Teen Titans are slowly becoming a team that works together instead of a junior high school drama full of sex and bickering who sometimes stop having sex and stop bickering to battle one of their parents. Why wasn't Tony Bedard allowed to write the Teen Titans from the beginning? And why couldn't he keep the job for Rebirth? Maybe because I want something different from this team than other fans want? Do people really just want to read about the Titan's swapping partners and feeling heartbroken and love sick while never actually being heroic ever? I wouldn't mind that if the Teen Titans took place in a school for gifted children and they didn't constantly portray themselves as a team of heroes helping to save other young people from trouble. Because then I wouldn't care if they weren't fighting crime? I would totally be into Cassie having lesbian sex dreams about her English teacher. Or Bunker and Garfield starting a band called the Zit Remedy. Or Raven having a baby and wearing her hair gelled up all spikey! Or Tim Drake getting locked in the utility closet and being called a Broomhead, whatever that means! I would love that version of the Teen Titans!

The Commentary!
Last issue ended with Red Robin missing. It turns out he was arrested by the Belle Reve Somewhat International (I think?) Police Force! They have jurisdiction over wherever the hell Amanda Waller wants them to. Basically that means if Batman is busy, Amanda can sneak a mission while he's not looking. So her jurisdiction is any place that is currently behind Batman.

The Titans are desperate to find Red Robin because he's the smartest super kid on the planet. Or at least as smart as all the other super kids who are also the smartest. In fact, I think Beast Boy and Bunker are the only teen superheroes who are of average intelligence or below! One of them is definitely below average. I'm not going to say which one because I'd rather have two fandoms arguing against each other than Garfield's fandom sending me hate messages. Um, I mean, uh, whoops!

Hey! Thanks for the confirmation, Gar!

Power Girl's big suggestion was that they turn themselves in because they've broken multiple laws and are huge narcissistic assholes to boot. Cassie thinks maybe Batman will help them because she apparently isn't bright either. Even Garfield knew that was a bad idea and he's dumber than Booster Gold!

Tim is currently in an interview with Amanda Waller. I bet Amanda doesn't want this comic book to end because she's still super skinny. Although she'll probably lose some weight when Jim Lee tries to draw her. I really doubt his ability to draw a person who isn't all muscle.

Apparently Amanda Waller wants the Teen Titans to work for the Suicide Squad. But why would they? They're currently free! They have no reason to work for Amanda! And they won't have any reason until they've been arrested and tried in a court of law and found guilty of being Superboy's friend! Amanda doesn't have to wait for teammates. She has a whole prison of villains who have already been apprehended. And why would she mess with one of Batman's ex-sidekicks? That's just asking for Batman to turn around and fuck up her jurisdiction.

Don't bother looking up those issues of Teen Titans in the editor's note. They're terrible. Just know Amanda is right. At least in Red Robin's case. Not all of the current Teen Titans helped Superboy escape from the law.

Amanda sets off Tim's distress beacon and the Teen Titans, being a bunch of dumb amateurs (except for Power Girl who is a genius amateur), head to Belle Reve to try to break him out of prison. I hope they get their asses beat by the Suicide Squad! I mean, they don't have to win this fight. They just have to prove to Amanda that they aren't the bad guys. They really do mean well and they want to help but they followed some bad advice from their leader. That's probably why he quits and goes back to Bat-school.

Power Girl knows that the defenses at Belle Reve are a bunch of weapons that can only be used against one specific target each. So an anti-magic cannon and an anti-speed crossbow and an anti-flight butterfly net. So she decides that the Titans can confuse the defenders by pretending to be each other! Power Girl pretends to be Raven and she's hit by the anti-magic cannon which does nothing to her! That's when she grows really big and says, "Ha ha, bitches! Wrong weapon!" I guess whoever had the anti-Giganta lawn dart was too stupid to throw it once he saw her growing. I mean, I think if I were in charge of the anti-Giganta lawn dart, I'm fairly certain I'd know exactly when to throw it. But the guy at Belle Reve hesitates and gets stomped by Power Girl. The worst part about this scene is that Red Robin begins gloating. He's all, "You have lots of defenses but what have you got against smarter-than-you? BURN!" Amanda really should have slapped his face at that point.

Waller's guards all get their asses kicked because they're just guards! They're nobodies! Nobody expects them to save the day! I think it's time to call in the Suicide Squad! Or will that only happen on the final page? I was hoping this would be the final issue but it feels like they may be dragging things out for the dramatic Suicide Squad final page reveal.

The Titans do that thing where they endanger everybody but then save everybody from the sudden danger! It's like their Hallmark Card! But it's the perfect card to play because the guards are all, "Fuck you, Amanda! Dese kids is sweet and shit!" And Amanda says something about pesky kids and kicks them all out of her prison. So at least they proved they're good guys to the guards at Belle Reve. Now the Teen Titans just have to prove they're not criminals to the other 99.9998% of the world! Maybe they'll accomplish that next issue.

The Coming of the Supermen #6

Neal Adams. Superman bleeding from his mouth as he shits himself, 2016. Oil on Canvas. 16.8 cm x 26.0 cm.

The Review!
Why, DC Comics, why? Did somebody somewhere promise Neal Adams that at some point in his career, he'd have carte blanche to write any Superman story he wanted without any editorial interference? How else did this comic book make it through the pitch phase? It's quite probable that it will eventually be discovered that Neal Adams had a minor stroke during the writing of this comic book and I'm going to feel really bad for panning it. But I don't currently have that information so I have to assume that Neal Adams is operating with his full faculties! And if that's true, he's just perpetrated the greatest religious crime in all of history! That may or may not be a hyperbolic statement, depending on whether or not you suffered through this comic book and not the Inquisition. I only suffered through one of them and I can only tell you which is the worst according to my experiences! I'd like to leave the possibility open that this comic book wasn't about Christianity at all but Adams slammed shut all the fucking doors on that possibility when he named the mystery demon "El" and had Superman proclaim that he did nothing and yet is responsible for everything. Ugh. This was terrible! And it wasn't even terrible simply because it was a Christian story! One of my favorite Alice Cooper songs of all time is "I Am Made of You" and that's as testimonial as fuck! Shit, that song makes me wish I could delude myself into believing nonsense! But this story? Abominable. Horrible. A travesty! I've read Lobdell's Teen Titans, Nathan Edmondson's Grifter, Ann Nocenti's Katana, J.T. Krul's Green Arrow, Scott Lobdell's Red Hood and the Outlaws, Howard Mackie's The Ravagers, Ann Nocenti's Green Arrow, Scott Lobdell's Superman, Ann Nocenti's Catwoman, Scott Lobdell's Red Hood/Arsenal, and Ann Nocenti's Klarion. And this book is still the worst series I've read in the last five years! If you're still thinking, "But Tess! It's Neal Adams! Have some respect! At least back-up your terribly harsh criticisms!", you might get some Answers! in the commentary portion.

The Commentary!
I can't wait to see how this comic book ends! Normally, being a Grandmaster Comic Book Reader, I know long before a story ends how it will all wind up. But being that this comic book is such a confusing mess, I'm completely bewildered by it! It's fascinating not knowing where things are headed! Is this what it's like to be a Regular Comic Book Reader? Thrilling!

Last issue ended with Darkseid disintegrating Lex Luthor as Superman looked on and applauded. This issue begins with the revelation that Darkseid merely destroyed a wax sculpture of Lex Luthor while the real Lex Luthor was standing behind him laughing. It's odd that Darkseid was so annoyed by the laughter that he would think Lex Luthor was the wax statue that obviously wasn't laughing. Darkseid isn't too smart, is he? The real beauty of the situation is that Lex Luthor continues to laugh at Darkseid! But at least now he's begging for his life at the same time. I think begging for your life goes a long way to keep Darkseid happy.

This issue is called "Answers!" Notice the punctuation was within the quotes which means it was actually part of the title and not just another of my often abused exclamation points. Normally I'd be happy that a comic book was going to answer all of the questions I have about the story. But in this case, I'm so confused I'm not even sure what the questions are. When this comic book first began, I thought it was going to be a meditation on the differences between Christianity and Islam. But now it's turned into an insane fight for territory perpetrated by two villains who have everything to gain while millions of people wind up victims. Holy shit! It is a meditation on the differences of Islam and Christianity! One is Lex Luthor and the other is Darkseid! And when the two battle, nobody wins! So you need a third option: Superman! And he represents...um...Judaism?

I don't think this tracks.

Maybe Superman just represents science and rationality and atheism. You know, truth, justice, and my dreamed of American way! It must be the New Kryptonians who represent Judaism. I mean, if you're Western Civilization minded, of course! New Kryptonians equal Israel. The Apokoliptian invaders equal the Islamic countries. And New Genesis equals Christianity. Although you should probably see the analogy as the New Kryptonians being the Islamic countries of the Middle East and the Apokoliptian invaders as the people of Israel being helped by their Western Civ allies (Superman!) to take over a large parcel of their land. And while they're at it, the white invaders may as well set up some military bases all over New Krypton too! Just to, you know, keep the peace and whatnot.

Maybe I should just see what Answers! Neal Adams decides to give before jumping to any more conclusions. Because I don't think Neal Adams means for his story to be any smarter than it appears to be. Although why did he name the Muslim kid's dog Isa if he wasn't prepared to write a story about religion? Was that the only comment Neal had to make? That Muslims think of Jesus as a dog? Not that they do! Why would they hate on Jesus when he's eventually going to come down from the sky and slay the Antichrist in the most spectacular bout of Mortal Kombat ever witnessed? And once he arrives, he'll be all, "Can't we all get along?!" And then all of the Peoples of the Book (as the Jews, Christians, and Muslims are referenced in Islam because they fucking understand that they all believe in the same God. Well, Muhammad did, anyway. But then that's the advantage of being the last religion formed from The Old Testament. You get to write in the other religions and make them, in a way, subservient to yours. But then again, at least Islam acknowledges that Judaism, Christianity, and Islam are all based on the same God and that when Jesus comes back for his encore, everybody will believe the same thing and they'll all be saved. Of course everybody will call it Islam but that's just a minor point, really!) will hold hands and embrace Jesus and Islam and hardly any Christian will say to hardly any Jew, "I told you so!" And hardly any Muslim will say to hardly any Christian, "I told you so!" They'll all just live happily ever after as the atheists burn in a fiery pit of hell and just about everybody will say to them, "I told you so!"

Don't get mad at me if I got any of that religious stuff wrong! I'm an atheist! Besides, I'm pretty sure I didn't get any of it wrong. If you think I did, that's your bias, praise be to God.

Superman continues to watch Darkseid and Lex Luthor battle for a bit since it seems Lex has found a way to not be killed by Darkseid's Omega Beams. I mean Wrist Blasters.

What level are you on?!

Darkseid gets to enraged that he lets a secret slip: he was born on Earth! I think. I mean, he seems to make some revelation about Earth birthing the greatness of Apokolips. But then when Superman and Lex try to nail him down on what he meant, he stutters and stammers like the fool he isn't and finally just tells them that he's stolen all of Lex's technology and will take over the Earth with it. It's about at that point when Lex realizes Darkseid is his enemy and tells Darkseid that he sold him defective technology to turn yellow suns into red suns. It's about that time that Darkseid realizes Lex is his enemy! Superman stands by confused like the rest of us.

I'm starting to believe I won't be getting any of the Answers! I was promised. Perhaps the only real question was, "Has Neal Adams lost his mind?" At least I know the answer to that is a resounding "Yes!" With the exclamation point, of course.

Superman foils Darkseid's plans, Darkseid punches Superman in the nose, and then Darkseid flounces off of Earth. But not before Superman can fly through Darkseid's Boom Tube first, pissing Darkseid off even more! I think that might be the end of the Darkseid/Lex Luthor subplot. Or was that the main plot? Did it even have a plot? Anyway, the comic book needs to answer some questions about Rafi and Isa and the winged demon Muhammad who is also called "El". "El" means "God", just in case you don't know your Bible as well as you think you do. So I guess the winged demon isn't the prophet Muhammad at all. He's just god.

Oh hey! I mentioned there would be Mortal Kombat earlier, right? I guess Superman is Jesus and Darkseid is the Anti-christ!

Maybe I should just forget all of the Islamic stuff and simply assume Neal Adams is telling a Christian story. Because it has everything it needs. Darkseid as Satan, El as God, and Superman as Jesus. There's also a dog named Isa owned by a Muslim but that was probably just to get everybody's subconscious mind thinking about Jesus and religion. Although, if I had to guess, maybe one percent of the people reading this terrible comic book know that Isa is the name for Jesus in Islam?

After Darkseid learns that he can change the outcome of whatever outcome has been set in motion, Supreman heads back to Lois and Rafi and Isa where he's promptly punched in the face by Orion. Why? Who fucking cares.

It turns out the puppy Isa is actually Highfather and Rafi is his grandson and I don't fucking care anymore. Not that cared much at the beginning. And I cared even less in the middle. But now that it's coming to an end, I'm just ready for the peaceful quiet of the grave. This comic book has destroyed my love of life.

But wait! My spirit hasn't been entirely crushed! I must know how Superman plans to keep Darkseid from invading anywhere he wants with the use of the Boom Tube! As long as the technology exists, Darkseid can be anywhere he wants to be!

Oh. Okay. Superman turns the Boom Tube inside out and destroys it. I guess Darkseid just had the one?

Stop thinking about this ending, you jerk! Stop thinking about Boom Tube technology as a technology to open wormholes in space! That obviously wasn't what it was at all! It was an actual tube that Darkseid built which could be programmed to exit at various points in the universe! Then you walk through it and arrive at the chosen destination! Duh! I can't believe anybody ever thought the Boom Tube wasn't a literal tube! Stupids.

Darkseid gives up his invasion plans after he sees his Boom Tube turned inside out and rendered impotent. He walks away embarrassed and Superman walks back to New Krypton, seeing as how it's now one-third of the same planet as Apokolips. Superman and Lois head back to Earth via Metron's Underground Railroad which totally isn't a Boom Tube at all. Superman acknowledges El's uselessness to the system of reality while also expressing his crippling need to believe in that uselessness. And then it all ends with Luthor thinking, "You're all human! All of you! Bwa ha ha ha! Because, you know, God made the people of Earth and the only way to have any other sentient beings in the universe is if they were created by God but only through humanity since Jesus saved humanity! Or something! Whatever, it's all very religious and Christian or something."

Teen Titans #21

Mallah really should invest in a BabyBjörn for Brain.

The Commentary!
If this issue doesn't include a scene where Mallah lubes up his asshole and slowly sits on The Brain, I'm not going to be surprised at all. Although now that I've thought up that scene, why can't it appear in this comic book? Apes do weird things with their bodies (and I'm including humans in the term "apes")! If the scene were presented without comment, couldn't it be interpreted as a colonoscopy? Sentient apes need regular checkups too! And I'm sure The Brain has all the write cameras and software to determine if everything is going good up Mallah's asshole. In that context, I probably wouldn't get an erection at all!

I suppose I'm asking too much out of a Teen rated comic book. No teenager is going to take a colonoscopy seriously, no matter how life saving the examination can be! They would just giggle and titter about the monkey sticking the computer up its butt. That's just one more nice thing I can't have that I can blame on teenagers! Jerks! I can't wait until you're not teenagers anymore and you feel the same bitter resentment I do at forty! I mean, I actually can wait because then I'll be like dead or something. So, you know, no hurry! Keep being narcissistic jerks who think they know everything for as long as you want! Especially since teenagers will always exist. It's a fucking wave, man! Right now you're at the peak but you'll soon get carried down the other side while some other noseminers will rise up and take your place! It's a goddamned curse!

Speaking of teenagers, this book is about teenagers! What a segue! Let's see if they're able to save Metatroll93 and enlist his help in cleaning up their image as juvenile delinquents who are constantly destroying property in New York City!

Wonder Girl has been mind-controlled by one of The Brain's gadgets because The Brain is useless in every single way. I wonder if The Brain built in any ports into his case, if you know what I mean! He probably calls it his glory port.

Red Robin has either begun wearing black lipstick or his lips are covered in blood because he's finally become the vampire that will live one thousand years and take on the name Harvest before traveling back in time to start The Culling!

Moments that confirm Mallah and Brain are lovers, Part One: The introduction of Mallah which read "Monsieur Mallah. Brain's longtime companion. Kinda loving it"; The Brain chastising Mallah by saying, "Weakness is never attractive, Mallah"; and The Brain calling Mallah "My pet" while Mallah pouts, "I hate when you call me that."

The Titans manage to free Metatroll93 and Wonder Girl from The Brain's devices in practically no time at all. Although I just counted the pages and it took seven pages, so that's over a third of the comic book. It felt longer! Maybe because I keep pausing to pretend the beast on machine sodomy scene is taking place.

The Brain's case includes jet propulsion which allows him to not only fuck Mallah in the ass but super duper fuck him in the ass. Currently he uses it to fly over the zoo where the Titans have wound up and drop his balls on a bunch of sea lions. The Brain's balls allow him to mind-control the sea lions. Now the Titans have to punch sea lions in the face in front of dozens of sea lion lovers. It's just another day in the life of the Teen Titans which will end with everybody hating them. I began the day hating them so I'm way ahead of the curve.

Metatroll93's memes are terrible.

How can Power Girl be upset by this collection of memes?! Not only are they not insulting the villains in them, they're just not funny or entertaining! She's still just angry that he called the Titans out for being assholes who disregard whatever laws they want in pursuit of their own desires and agendas. He's less a waste of time than the Teen Titans. And what's with Power Girl expecting him to agree with her assessment of him just because she saved his life? Fucking hell, let me die before somebody as holier-than-thou as Power Girl saves my life!

By the way, everything is going just as I said it would. I just wanted to make sure everybody remembers who the Grandmaster Comic Book Reader is here.

The Brain continues to fly around in circles above the zoo and I can't stop wondering how far up Mallah's ass he can get. Also how much fuel can he fit in that tiny canister? This comic book is so unrealistic!

Eventually his thrusters conk out because Wonder Girl smashes them. He plummets to the Earth but is caught by Mallah. Luckily The Brain isn't currently covered in lube.

Moments that confirm Mallah and Brain are lovers, Part Two.

Moments that confirm Mallah and Brain are lovers (as if anybody needs any more after the last scan), Part Three: When Raven is about to send Mallah and The Brain to Azarath to cool down, The Brain says to Mallah, "Just hold me."

Metatroll93 offers to come up with some pro-Titans memes which was totally expected by everybody, probably, but certainly predicted by me in writing the previous month. And after he comes up with some really lame memes that nobody is going to use (which means they aren't really memes, are they?), everybody realizes Red Robin is missing. They don't know it yet but he's been captured by Amanda Waller and brought to Belle Reve. I hope he joins the Suicide Squad! After all, he is an immortal vampire named Harvest! I mean, he will be soon!

The Review!
The Teen Titans have never been better! Tony Bedard has done what no writer in the last five years has been able to do! He's made the Teen Titans into a cohesive group that's actually battling bad guys doing harm! Although, technically, The Brain used the Metatroll93 opportunity to troll the Teen Titans, so it was still kind of their fault that a bunch of people were put into danger. But it was better than anything done previous to this! And best of all, the Titans aren't constantly fighting and bickering among themselves and splitting up into separate groups and hating each other with stupid teen drama! I should probably enjoy this phase of the Teen Titans while it lasts though because Benjamin Percy will be on board soon enough to turn the Teen Titans into the Tumblr Titans. Hoo boy, I am not looking forward to reading that! Although I am looking forward to writing commentary on it!

The Coming of the Supermen #5

Superman should have lunch before breaking up this fight. It might solve at least his future Luthor problems.

The Review!
Most artists who can draw probably also think they can write because writing is the easy part! You just draw a panel of Gambit throwing a card at a Sentinel and make him say a card game pun! The thing about comic books is that so many of the writers are so mediocre that companies may as well have the artists write the comic book as well. Which may be the reason we have this debacle by Neal Adams. The writing is terrible. It's terrible with so many "very"s in front of it that I should probably think up a better word to describe it so I can drop a few veries. How about atrocious? No wait! Abominable! It is an abominable travesty! I bet the only person who is enjoying it is Denny O'Neil. There's no doubt now who was the brains behind the Green Lantern/Green Arrow team-up tales! Was there any doubt before this? People were probably just all, "Denny did a great job on the writing and Neal did a great job on the art and I would never consider giving either one credit for what the other person so obviously did!" But if that wasn't the case, now we know definitively that Neal Adams did not do any of the writing on that series. Unless some of that series was terrible. I mean abominable. All that shit was before my time.

The Commentary!
I've just passed the Gertrude Stein section of The Norton Anthology of Modern Poetry (Second Edition!) and I've come to a radical opinion. She's a fraud. She's a big fat fucking fraud and I was frauded by her all this frauding time! Fraud! A fraud! Fraudulently a fraud. I mean, the opposite of that! She was honestly a fraud! Although I still have to read The Biography of Alice B. Toklas to get a real sense of her fraudgility because she sort of breaks all of her own rules in that piece and might actually make some sense in it. Even if I eventually come to remain of the never-before-thought-of opinion that Stein is a fraud, I will still always love Melanctha. She nailed that shit to the wall. Through the wall even! Maybe when all is said and done, my critical opinion will be that she can't quite be a fraud simply because she wrote Melanctha. Although I've never been able to get through Melanchta a second time, and I really don't know if that's a positive or negative criticism of it. I should explain more about why I think she's a fraud or else I just come off as an unthinking moron with no ability to back up their gut opinion which is probably also a stupid opinion. You know, like everybody.

So what I was thinking while reading "A Valentine to Sherwood Anderson" was "Is this clever and I am not clever? Why doesn't this make any sense? Do I need a supplemental class on Gertrude Stein and the literary movement of pseudo-ex-patriots writing in an American vernacular while partying in Paris with painters? I can see why James Joyce avoided Gertrude's salon! No wait! Maybe he avoided her because their styles were so similar! Is that true? Have I ever managed to read anything by James Joyce? I did once begin to read A Portrait of an Artist as a Young Man. Does that mean I'm an expert on James Joyce? Probably! I also know he wrote Odysseus! Do I have to put the name of a book in italics if I've gotten the name completely wrong? Since this is supposed to be what I was thinking I can probably do away with the italics altogether since I don't think in fonts and styles. At least not usually." Did that clear anything up? Um, maybe what I was trying to express was how if I read something and it doesn't make any sense, I know the fault is with me and I should read it again. Because the artist almost certainly had a quite specific reason for writing the piece the way they wrote the piece. If I read it a second time and it doesn't make any sense, I still know it's my fault and I should maybe think on it and read it again later. If I read it for the hundredth time and it's still nonsense and it will always completely be nonsense until I read in Gertrude Stein's own words what she meant and what she was trying to do, then it is a work perpetrated by a fraud. It is as worthless as anything created by a student in art school.

Unless it isn't. It probably isn't! I'm going to go back to assuming I'm too stupid to truly get it until after I've read "Tender Buttons" five thousand more times.

You might think a discussion on Gertrude Stein doesn't belong at the beginning of a review of a Superman comic book. But that's probably because you haven't been reading it and avoided being thoroughly confused by the dialogue of The Coming of the Supermen.

This is the best dialogue so far!

Superman is going crazy searching for the boy he kidnapped who was kidnapped by Kalibak. He's acting like a crazed lover! It's so untoward! People may begin to talk. Like me! I'm a people and I'm talking all about how Superman kidnapped a young boy to live with him and now has gone mad with lust-rage because the boy has gone missing. I'm not sure Neal Adams understands the character of Superman. I also might be projecting my edgelord beliefs onto Superman.

Superman eventually discovers where Rafi is being held when he tells a Parademon to both talk and shut up at the same time. No wait. Maybe I read the dialogue bubbles out of sequence. I think it made more sense than that. Although maybe not because Neal Adams seems to like writing dialogue which constantly contradicts itself.

Well, which is it, Granny? Nasty boy or goody two-shoes?

Lois shows up and does something untoward to Granny Goodness with a large staff. I wonder if I use "untoward" a few more times, I'll understand what Gertrude Stein was getting at!

Besides Lois, Kalibak also shows up even though I thought Orion took care of him earlier. It doesn't really matter because Mister Miracle and Big Barda also show up to take out Kalibak once and for all. Maybe. How everybody realized that needed to be in this scene at exactly this moment, I don't know because I don't understand writing and contrivance.

What follows are a series of incomplete sentences forming a discussion about divvying up New Krypton into thirds.

Superman: "Can New Kryp...?"
Mister Miracle: "Sure! Take a look at...."
Superman: "Wow! A planet can be divided three ways and shared?! Who would have thou...?"
Big Barda: "Boom...Tube...unsafe...penetrate...anything...."
Superman: "I see!"

And then Metron appears because what is going on?

Where are they that they can't pass? What is The Jaunt? Why can't Superman speak smoothly?!

Metron's new purpose is "freedom." Apparently he's running an underground railroad for people who want to leave Apokolips which is basically everybody. Too bad Metron's underground railroad ends in explosive death for the people yearning to be free. Superman stands aghast to Metron's untoward method of rescue and Metron is all, "Freedom is death! Duh! Why are you so dumb, Superman?!"

Wait! I shouldn't be so glib about the conversation because the conversation is better than any glibness I can glib all over it! After Metron blows up all of the Apokoliptians, he says, "It's a kind of freedom...isn't it?" And Superman replies, "The very worst kind." Touché!

But wait! It was all a hoax perpetrated by Metron to fool Darkseid's death machines into thinking they've killed the Apokoliptians! Metron tricked them into seeing the Apokoliptians die so they'd report back to Darkseid and give up the chase. Superman decides to believe that it was all an illusion because the thought that Metron just murdered hundreds of innocent people is too disturbing. But now that the death machines have reported back to Darkseid, they can be destroyed. So the Supermen smash the robots to pieces.

Do grown reporters have an aversion to appliances being smashed?

Superman desperately tries to convince the Supermen and Mister Miracle that the Apokoliptian refugees are a danger to the real citizens of New Krypton. Rafi must be playing with Isa because he doesn't begin hating Superman at all after hearing that opinion.

Mister Miracle mentions that the refugees will be able to choose where to live once New Krypton is sorted into three parts: New Krypton, Apokolips, and New Genesis. Even if Big Barda pointed out earlier that New Genesis won't be safe even using New Krypton's force field due to Boom Tube technology. She adamantly stated New Genesis will not be part of New Krypton. It might still be that way. I really have no idea what's going on in this comic book except that Superman kidnapped a child.

Now that Rafi is safe, Superman decides to go after Darkseid and Lex to stop whatever their evil plans are. Destroying New Krypton to take up two-thirds of the planet, I think. Lois insists on going with Superman even though he explains that he is invulnerable while she is not and it would be easier to fight Darkseid while not having to worry about keeping a her safe. Lois calls him a rat and tells him she's going with him even if it means more work, worry, and stress for him. Lois is an asshole.

I don't even know.

Apparently Muhammad's "Daddy got to go to war" argument convinces Lois to stay behind with Rafi. It's either that or Superman telling her that the real scoop is Rafi and his dog, Isa (Jesus!), but she won't be able to write it because Superman would then be arrested on molestation charges. Superman begins to head off to battle while Neal Adams shows just how much enthusiasm he has for this project.

I'm with you, Rafi. We've got the 'tude.

Meanwhile, Darkseid and Luthor continue to act like buffoons. Darkseid threatens to Boom Tube in an army to kill Luthor and Luthor goes insane. Lex laughs in Darkseid's face for six panels without killing him.

The seventh panel.

Superman arrives in time to see Luthor disintegrated by Darkseid. Luckily Superman doesn't care about Lex Luthor. Or maybe Superman knows this is another trick of Metron's. Or maybe Lex Luthor has a force-field like the one on the cover and we all know he's not really dead. Or maybe Lex Luthor has been transported back in time. Or maybe none of this matters because it is terrible and out of continuity anyway?

Teen Titans #20

I still can't see New 52 Raven without thinking, "Is everybody at DC blind and/or stupid?"

The Review!
Tony Bedard swoops in to salvage the mess this comic book has become and build a decent transition into Rebirth. It looks like his job is to lift the Teen Titans out of the super villain pit they've dug themselves into so that they can at least be not quite heroic but at least not lawbreakers by the time they get their Rebirth. Tony Bedard did a lot of work for DC in the early New 52 and I felt most of it was competent and entertaining. He doesn't disappoint even with this disappointment of a comic book. In fact, he actually does the impossible and writes a Teen Titans comic book that didn't cause me to question every one of my life choices up until this moment. Plus he writes Brain and Mallah as a couple although, as usual, it doesn't seem like he got the editorial thumbs-up to outright state that they're in a relationship. Mostly I'd say that's okay because I'm all for subtlety in writing over explicit declarations but in the current popular culture environment where mainstream companies are desperate to get gay viewers by playing games of "Homo or not homo?" with same sex character relationships, I think sometimes an outright labeling is more than appropriate. Editorial allowed a stupid "That's not a pickle jar" caption that really seemed like a dildo joke but they didn't okay a "Lovers" tag for the duo? I was going to say "Gay Lovers" tag because I think that's appropriate but maybe it's a little too confining for a sentient ape in love with a brain in a butt plug.

The Commentary!
Am I allowed to snidely ask an obviously sighted person if they're blind when they're aesthetic tastes are garbage? Probably not, right? But I am allowed to ask an obviously stupid person if they're stupid because nobody believes they're actually stupid even though, statistically speaking, most people are stupid, right? I'm including people of average intelligence in the stupid category because have you ever had a discussion with one of them? So stupid. Obviously I'm highly intelligent! But not in that "Nobody thinks they're stupid" way I meant earlier! I'm intelligent in provable ways! Like how I've...um...uh...well, I mean, I'm not ambitious or anything so my failure at life isn't proof of anything! Don't you dare think I'm stupid!

Because nobody thinks they're stupid, if you ever want to really anger somebody in an argument or a debate, just call them stupid. I can't be responsible for any violence that takes place if you dare to try this. Another way to anger somebody you're arguing with is to use one of the easily available appropriate racial epithets if they're not white (or if they're one of those ethnic whites that have a history of being trod upon, like dagos or micks) or call them a racist if they're just your average, run-of-the-mill whitey. "Racist" is about the only word you can use on whites that's equitable to a racial slur because when have they ever been, as an entire group, in a powerless situation where their humanity has been taken away by a single word (you know, excluding the dagos and the micks!)? But you call a white person racist and just watch their head explode!

Here's an offensive fact: I just now discovered that I'm a dago! I consulted Lord Google for the spelling because I might not mind sounding racist while getting a point across but I certainly don't want to look stupid by spelling something wrong! While doing so, I discovered dago refers to Italian, Spanish, and Portuguese people in the UK! Being American, I thought it was just a derogatory word for Italians. But apparently in UK English, you can catch a whole swath of swarthy foreigners in the net of your racism! Now when somebody calls me a spic, I can say, "I prefer the term 'dago'." Although then they'll just assume I'm Italian so maybe I should just punch them in the face instead.

My mother was fully Spanish although she was second generation born in America so I really only think of myself as Spanish when it comes to my heritage. More correctly, I think of myself as California Spanish. What that means is that I'm born from people who are constantly correcting people who call them Mexican or Portuguese because if there's one thing that my Spanish ancestors brought with them from Spain, it was the haughty attitude to feel better than other Hispanics based on the region from which they were born.

Can you tell I'm not really interested in reading this comic book? I should probably not judge it too harshly before reading it because Tony Bedard has taken over as writer and I remember once praising Bedard (when he was writing Blue Beetle) for being one of the few writers to set up a plot where the super villain actually had a motivation that wasn't his hatred for the hero. Might be this the first Teen Titans comic book ever to have the Teen Titans doing something heroic as opposed to something completely and utterly selfish?!

The issue begins with Lex discovering he's been memed.

The other memes Luthor scrolls down will never become memes because they're aren't clever enough. But I did laugh when, on the next page, Luthor gets his first bit of panel time with the caption: Lex Luthor. Owns Metropolis.

Luthor points out that, like Blue Falcon, he does not take offense at thoughtless words. But he points out that some villains aren't as thick-skinned as he is.

Hit the sirens! Drop the confetti! Comic book history has just been made! The Gorilla/Guerrilla pun has just been used for the millionth time! Hooray!

So apparently there's a new superhero named Metatroll93 and his super power is pissing off super villains! He'd fit right in with the Teen Titans since the only villains they fight are villains gunning for them personally. Oh how I hope Metatroll93 joins the Titans! I would have guessed it was a Titan, like Bunker or Changeling, but my assumption is that the "93" is the birth year which would make Metatroll93 too old to be a Teen Titan.

I think there's a dildo or butt plug joke on the next page:

Speaking to Mallah like he's just some dumb ape diminishes their relationship more effectively than any Internet meme!

Brain and Mallah are definitely in a gay relationship here. It's as overt as editorial probably allowed it to be without actually having a caption that says, "Brain and Monsieur Mallah. Friends and Lovers." The dialogue is only proof that they care about each other. It's the visuals that make it plain they're also in a physical relationship.

Yep. Dildo and/or butt plug.

The Teen Titans are still on the run from the law and I have to give Bedard credit. He could easily have come on board and not mentioned that the Titans have continually broken the law for their own selfish desires making them unlikeable assholes not worth my time. Actually, maybe I shouldn't give him credit at all! He had an opportunity to bridge the gap between The New 52 and Rebirth by doing whatever he wanted with these characters. He could have simply pretended they were heroic the way Marv Wolfman would do month after month without any evidence to back up his claims!

The Titans are running a training exercise where they learn that they're all really poorly trained. Except for Red Robin, of course.

Do tigers breathe fire? I don't get it.

After the Titans learn that anybody trained by Batman is five batrillion-zillion times better than any other hero, I find out why Bedard chose to continue the whole "the Titans are acting like super villains" story arc that all of the other shitty writers on this comic book stuck him with.

See? I have so little ambition, I just wanted Bedard to use a shortcut to fix the Titans. But he's chosen to turn it into an actual story! Kudos!

Let me guess! The Titans will save Metatroll93 from Brain and Mallah which will show Metatroll93 that the Teen Titans really are heroes! Then Metatroll93 will start a new meme which everybody will pick up on expressing how the Titans are heroes. And since the populace of the DC Universe is so fickle and easily manipulated, everybody will agree that the Teen Titans truly are heroic once again! Although were they truly ever? Should I have left out the "once again" bit?

My guess immediately goes off the rails because I forgot to account for New 52 Red Robin's penchant for acting selfish and being a bully. His plan is to confront Metatroll93 and convince him to use his viral powers of propaganda to make the Titans look heroic. Failing that, he and the Teen Titans will shut down Metatroll93's site so that he can't make fun of them any more. I suppose this reasoning at least gets the Teen Titans on site so that they can save Metatroll93 from Brain and Mallah. Which can then dovetail into my prediction nicely. Bedard's version has the added bonus of keeping the Titans in character, no matter how awful that character has become thanks to Pak, Pfeifer, and Lobdell.

The Titans find that Mallah and The Brain have already gotten to Metatroll93 and taken over his brain with Brotherhood of Evil gadgets. I guess they were trying to harness his meme ability for their own uses. They were probably the ones who made the Red Robin meme since it was a bit more clever than most of Metatroll93's memes. Since the Teen Titans are used to getting caught with their pants down (Red Robin's phrasing!), Mallah and The Brain succesfully ambush them and stick a mind-control gadget on the back of Wonder Girl. Now Red Robin has to beat her ass again next issue!