Action Comics Annual #3

DC put out a memo that Superman cannot appear on a cover without his eyes glowing as bright as Satan's asshole. It's a fact!

I was so deep up my own smart ass while reviewing the last issue of Doomed! that I forgot that Lois Lane's articles are laid out as if they were blog entries and not actual newspaper articles. So I apologize for speculating how she was printing her own newspapers while everybody else in Metropolis was in a coma. It's obvious that she's blogging these articles and posting them without any editor taking a look at them. In this one, she types "Psi'ss" instead of "Psis" or, less incorrectly, "psionic people." Also she fucked up her caption on the pic of Brainiac by typing "artis" instead of artist. This issue, she's using the blog as a platform to confess that she's been behind a lot of Metropolis's troubles lately and it all started because she hated that Clark Kent began blogging. Which, you know, she's doing now because she finally realized that analog media is for an audience that has one foot in the grave and is missing their other foot from diabetes. Anyway, this whole Lois Lane is a 12th Level Intellect with psionic powers story arc was begun by Scott Lobdell and it might be the worst story written about Lois Lane ever. And that includes all the ridiculous Silver Age stories where she appeared in a comic book subtitled "Superman's Girlfriend."

I wonder if Lois Lane will go on trial for all the death and destruction she's caused? I suppose she'll get off on the "I was Mind-Controlled!" technicality that prosecutors must hate in the comic book world. It's more effective than the Twinkie Defense.

Lois is currently trapped in a cage within her own mind which explains why her previous articles have been so shitty. Brainiac has been writing them and English is his nine hundred and thirty second language, so he's not particularly comfortable with it. But now Brainiac is busy guiding his ships to invade Earth, so she was able to write a cry for help and hit publish. She knows Clark Kent obsessively stalks her blog and, thanks to Brianiac, she knows Clark Kent is Superman, so it seemed like the best way to inform Superman that she was in trouble.

So that's how Batman's plan to remove the Kryptonite from the atmosphere succeeded. He called in Lex Luthor.

Batman called in Lex, the smartest person on Earth, to help out even though he has access to the smartest person in Earth, Shay Veritas, Omniologist! I will never like Shay Veritas because Scott Lobdell created her and gave her the title of Omniologist. He doesn't know how to layer characters, does he? He just decides, "I will make the smartest person ever!" I guess he did give her a slight limp to show how frail her body is while her mind is so strong. That's not trite and overdone or anything.

Batman also gathered a couple of characters that hardly matter but since they were behind the release of Doomsday, Batman probably figures he needs to keep an eye on them. Also, he's probably planning on transferring the Kryptonite in the atmosphere into The Phantom Zone. Does he realize if he does that, he'll kill all of the people trapped inside the Phantom Zone excluding Mongul? He'll be the greatest murderer of Kryptonians since Krypton itself!

Meanwhile, some cheesy shit goes down in Brazil where a little boy everybody thought was a monster except for Superman believes in Superman while everybody else believes that Superman is a monster. Or something. I was distracted by the sudden onset of every symptom of diabetes due to it's treacle sappy sweetness. Also Ghost Soldier was involved and that character is an idiot.

Superman and Baka the Monster Boy head to Metropolis so that Superman can meet up with Lois Lane and they can discuss how much it sucks to suddenly be possessed by villains.

Wait. It was nanobots doing all the damage? But what about the brain wave coma radio relay that Lana Lang found? How could she miss all the nanobots when she's the greatest electrical engineer that's ever lived? What a rookie mistake.

I am so fucking sick of nanobots. Fucking Grant Morrison. Ever since he had Niles Caulder create the nanobots with his Think Tank, DC Comics has been infested with the things. I wish DC would send out a company wide memo putting a moratorium on nanobots.

Superman destroys all the nanobots and Lois is free! Yay! Oh god I'm so bored and irritated by this sappy crap. Now Lois uses her telepathic powers to assure Clark that she believes in him and that the world doesn't deserve him and yet he still fights for them and OH MY GOD WHERE CAN I GET AN INSULIN SHOT RIGHT NOW?!

We even get a shot of a boy and his dog. Oh god, why can't I feel my feet?!

And then Superman and Krypto destroy all of Brainiac's ships. Unless they self-destructed. Whatever. It doesn't matter because Cyborg Superman's gigantic Space Rectum opens up and the Collector of Worlds arrives to pick up the planet he ordered out of Previews a few years ago.

Action Comics Annual #3 Rating: Here's the great thing about this annual: you don't have to read it! You can choose between this Annual or the Superman Loves Wonder Woman Annual. You don't have to read both. And in a world where you don't have to read both, I'm recommending everybody skip this one. This issue is worse than the one panel from Superman Loves Wonder Woman where Batman declares he succeeded in removing the Kryptonite. This issue is awfully syrupy. It also does that thing where everybody believes in Superman so Superman should gain strength by that. But guess what? Nobody fucking believes in Superman and nobody has believed in Superman, if not from the beginning of The New 52, since at least from when Scott Lobdell took over the title and decided to write him as if he were the X-men and nobody trusted him because human beings can't trust anybody that is naturally stronger than they are. Sure, Lois points out that Earth doesn't deserve him since they've all been such righteous dicks to him. But to suddenly claim they believe in him now when their lives are on the line? And Superman buys it? Well, I guess that's what makes him Superman. He does the right thing even when he's treated like a dick.

Red Hood and the Outlaws #27

After Ra's is done here, he has to get over to Gotham to kick an old lady's teeth in.

Last issue, Jason Todd's memories came back when he realized all he had to do was remember them to get them back. And after they came back, he said, "Surprise! Every single thing that has happened so far was part of my plan! Maybe I'm going to become a vampire in the future and change my name to Harvest!"

Upon reading the first few pages of this issue, I have to offer a retraction for my first paragraph. The plan was not Jason Todd's at all. It was, of course, Ducra's. Although Ducra died quite awhile ago so she might just be a figment of Jason Todd's imagination which would mean that the plan is his plan after all. So I'm going to retract my retraction! Why can't I ever remember that the first rule of Collect Club is never admit you are wrong! Mabelchan would be so disappointed in me. And after all the Pineapple Kit Kats she sent me.

So after that flashback is out of the way so that everything can be explained (including the stupid bit where The Joker set off the trap that blew off Jason Todd's face and was supposed to make him forget everything but didn't take because that would have screwed up the Batman Inc Continuity even more than it already did screw up the Batman Inc Continuity), the action returns to Jason Todd's face-off (because he almost lost his face earlier this year. In the same way Red Hood's creator lost his face! Well, not exactly the same way. But in a like manner is what I meant) with Ra's al Ghul!

Jason Todd's mentor? He means The Joker, right?

The scan above was from the title page which answered this question that was ringing in my head: "Why isn't Julius Gopez's art looking as stupid as it usually does?" That's because some guy named Noel Rodriguez did some of the arting as well. I bet kids with the name "Noel" get picked on at school all of the time. And it's a shame, really. It's actually the parents that should be picked on. "You named your kid what? What were you thinking, you narcissist?! Also, it's the 21st Century and you didn't stick an extraneous "y" in his name? What an uncreative douche."

This issue is called "Demons" and it doesn't take place in space which is why I had to write an entirely new commentary instead of using my commentary from New Guardians #27. Darn it.

Jason Todd was chosen for this job because he's the only person capable of throwing the Legendary Dragon Punch which is capable of knocking the immortality out of somebody. It isn't quite as useful when some thick jock decides to attack you in a convenience store. Better to have a skateboard on hand in that situation. But if you ever meet up with an immortal? Dragon Punch. Always go with the Dragon Punch. Or possibly the Crane Kick.

But Jason Todd also wasn't supposed to get his memories back or else they could be used against him the way that Ra's al Ghul uses them against him on page whatever page is opposite the ad for The Wolf Among Us. Jason is forced to look at a bunch of Jokers and he collapses.

Oh yeah! Remember this guy? His name is December Graystone. That's even worse than Noel Anylastname!

If you name your kid after a month (especially one of the months that is basically just a number), you might as well name your kid after shapes. Dodycyhydron! Rhomboyd! Squarely! Octygonzo! I know. You think names like "December" and "October" are pretty. Do you have a mirror handy? Just take a good, long, hard look into it. Ask yourself, "What went wrong in my life? Was my childhood really as happy and decent as I remember it? Why the fuck do I think ridiculous words make good names? I bet I would look hot if I took off all of my clothes? I should probably take a naked selfie of myself and send it to Tess now." Do you feel better? You should because I have zero training in psychology.

Jason recovers from the Jokers looking at him because who the fuck wouldn't? Oh, I guess everybody else wouldn't judging by the surprise leaking out of Ra's al Ghul's stupid mouth hole. And then Jason Todd turns the tables on Ra's and creates an image of Talia! And Ra's is all, "Talia? Is that really you? You're not a trick, are you? Please don't hurt me anymore!"

Kory is having trouble defeating December and Roy is having trouble defeating Rictus (why didn't The Joker take that name? Oh yeah. Because it's stupider than December. Or Noel) so Cheshire has to help out.

By teabagging Rictus with her lady teabag.

I'm not sure how December is defeated. Why was December afraid of January? Because January February March! I think I did that wrong. Anyway, December goes away. Maybe he wound up wherever Bronze Tiger hid himself away. And then Jason Todd wins the day because he has friends!

But mostly because he knows the Dragon Punch.

Ra's al Ghul's reaction to the Dragon Punch is to throw his arms in the air and scream, "Nooooo!" You know, like every other villain ever after being defeated. Way to be a dumb cliche, Ra's al Ghul.

Before we find out the ultimate fate of Ra's al Ghul after being Sucker Dragon Punched, it's time for a new feature I have just now decided to call, "Old Trivia That's Probably Totally Wrong Now!" starring Trivia Pursuit Genus IV questions from 1996! Today's questions come from Card #25:

I got three right according to the answers on the back and not according to actual facts as they may be eighteen years later. Figure out your answers before continuing on!

So the first question (the Pee Pee category) I got wrong. Why is this category called "Pee Pee"? Are they all questions about New Jersey? Back in the original edition, if the Blue Category asked for a number, your best bet was to answer "Three." If it asked for a city, the most probably answer was "Chicago." In this case "Three Percent" was not the right answer. The answer was 100% which I take issue with. At the very least, I know one person lives in The Pine Barrens: The Jersey Devil! Although I suppose 99.(9)% has been mathematically proven to be 100%, so whatever. But still! There must be a whole slew of reality television hillbillies living in the Pine Barrens! Next on A&E: PINE BILLIES!

The second question (the Ash category) I answered correctly because I'm really good at knowing things that aren't true anymore. The answer was Cheers because everybody back in the eighties thought this was the smartest comedy to ever not be MASH. I'm sure it's The Simpsons now. I suppose I could consult Lord Google but fuck him. What makes him think he's any smarter than Viscount Trivial Pursuit?

The third question (the Male category) I answered "Dan Quayle" because there was a time when all stupid questions asked by politicians involved Dan Quayle. The correct answer is Edward Kennedy which is kind of obvious, maybe. I think Pat Buchanan and Ted Kennedy were nemeses back in the day. The day being Ancient Times.

The fourth question (the Snopes category) was the "Did anybody ever fucking get this question wrong?" question. Every card needs at least one question that even your seven year old that just had to fucking play with the wine drinking adults on game night can answer. Although I'm fairly certain that if this question were updated, the answer would be "The Human Centipede."

The fifth question (the Slutty category) I didn't even spend any time on because what is baseball? The answer was Frank Thomas. This question probably is still accurate but is it relevant? No, no it is not.

The last question (the Wild Card category) was easy not because anybody knows who the fuck Giovanni Vigliotto was but because they give the clue to the answer Jeopardy-style with the whole "sweet-talking" business. And also because Trivia Pursuit answers were never "fucked someone in the ass." So it had to be "get married."

Thanks for playing! If you want to keep track of your scores as the game continues across other commentaries, leave your score in the Comments or via a Reply. You could also brag about your score in the Secret Clubhouse of Secrets. But you have to find it first!

So where was I? Oh yeah! What happened to Ra's al Ghul after being called a weak-ass doody face?!

Once Ra's loses his new and improved Well of Souls Immortality (I'm pretty sure he gets to keep his old, tawdry and ragged Immortality), it transfers to Essence because that was Ducra's plan all along! And lots of people in the universe feel the shift of power from ugly, mean-spirited, impotent old man to fucking hot albino sex kitten!

Oracle likey!

Trigon also notices because why wouldn't he? Somebody new in the universe to rape! Even Madame Xanadu notices but then what else does she have to do except read her Tarot Cards and say, "Yeah, I knew that," whenever something happens.

New Light Bright White Essence appears to not kill Ra's. Instead, she tells him she'll let him live and not destroy all of his precious Lazarus Pits if he lets Jason and Roy and Kory walk away. I guess she's too good to kill him and she's willing to once again establish the truce between The Untitled and The All-Caste and Ra's, whatever fucking role he played in that shit. Bronze Tiger finally comes out from behind a stalagmite to offer Ra's a bowl of consolation cereal. "It's pretty darn good!"

Essence returns to the Acres of All to rebuild the All-Caste with S'aru (if you get my drift! *wink wink*!) and Jason Todd and the Outlaws decide to go "vacation in the worst place on Earth" according to the Next Month Blurb. I'm not going to guess where that is because I'll probably offend some reader when I say "Dallas" or "Cleveland" or "Canada."

Red Hood and the Outlaws #27 Rating: +4 Ranking. That was a solid ending to all the bullshit that's been going on in this comic book for months prior to Tynion taking over. Even Tynion's run felt like a lot of cleaning up the overflowing toilet Lobdell left on his way out. But fucking fuck, James Tynion IV pulled it off and really fit all the pieces together in a nice way. For once, I'm impressed with this comic book! Also, did anybody else feel like Gopez and Rodriguez (I think mainly Rodriguez but since the pages aren't expressly labeled with who drew what, I'll just mention them both) were trying to get a Kenneth Rocafort vibe with their art and the panel layouts? The panel layouts were more organized with less negative space but it still felt like they were trying to keep up (or get back to, anyway) the early look of this comic book.

Red Hood and the Outlaws #26

The Joker? Is it The Joker! I bet it's The Joker! Oh wait! I recognize that collar! It's Preboot 80s Nightwing!

I just finished my last Fuck You New Year's Resolutions Oreo and now I feel sad. Truly, though, Oreos are pretty awesome. I wonder if the creator sold his soul to Satan for the recipe. Because it was worth it. I bet the cream filling is Satan's Jism. Although if that were the case, sucking off Satan in Hell wouldn't be a bad thing at all. It would be a reward! Can rewards and treats be given out in Hell? I bet they get everyone super excited about snack time as the demons pull them out of the burning lake of shit, remove them from the stakes they've been impaled on, chase the rabid dogs away from their gnawed on bodies. Then they lead them to the cafeteria where they're served the choice between Peeps or a long suck on Satan's dick. Peeps were also a snack item created by a person that sold their soul to Satan. But they didn't want to sell their soul for something delicious. The inventor of Peeps sold their soul to make the moronic and ignorant love the shitty, disgusting, nasty marshmallow snack. Oh, I know, you're thinking, "What?! I love Peeps!" I bet, you moronic and ignorant lost soul. I bet you'd choose a Peep over sucking Satan's dick every time! Idiot!

Meanwhile, Red Hood and the Outlaws begins telling a story from one year ago. That story is when Talia resurrected Jason Todd.

One year ago, hunh? I think that might be slightly off, DC.

I'm glad Bronze Tiger exists in this form in The New 52. All of the young Were-Tigers and Rakshasa's must have been feeling so underrepresented in comic books. It's good to see that they have a role model now.

And then back in the present, Ra's al Ghul is flipping the fuck out on Jason Todd. Shouldn't he be happy that Jason Todd helped restore the Ultimate Lazarus Pit? Wasn't that what Ra's wanted all along? I guess he realized the plan was a good one but that afterward, he'd have to kill Jason Todd since he was mainly Talia's pawn. And Talia has been getting the best of him lately, so Ra's has got to make some kind of move.

It's also possible that I just don't know what the fuck is going on. I've spent a lot of time reading Red Hood and the Outlaws while my mind was on other things, like good comic books and games I'd rather be playing, and masturbating into a street busker's coin cup.

Meanwhile Ducra (more powerful than anybody could ever know now that she's been struck down) and Essence are hanging out beyond the gates of the City of Assassins biding their time. Their time will come after Jason Todd saves the day. Then they, I don't know, bring sandwiches?

Oh Roy. Don't give him false hope. It's not like he's The Goddamned Batman. Besides, he doesn't have a gun!

Jason Todd begins acting sensibly although it's a bit too late for it. The plot device where he got mad at Roy and Starfire because they chose to honor his decision to remove his memories was just total bullshit. A horribly contrived event to split up the group. Because if Jason Todd were intelligent (which I have to assume he isn't after the stories I've read in this comic book series), he would have realized that he knew he was a murderer before losing his memories and that he himself wanted to forget about being a murderer and it's his own stupid amnesiac fault that he didn't trust his own self's decisions. Roy and Kory trusted him more than he trusted himself! Maybe he should have left a note to himself that said, "Don't try to remember, you stupid fuck. Also, Roy and Kory are your friends. You enjoy having sex with them. And Oreos. You love Oreos."

And then Roy Harper tells Jason Todd that he's had the power within him all along to remember his memories! All he has to do is tap his heels three times! And believe! And finger Roy Harper's asshole while sucking his cock. Sorry, Jason Todd! Them's the rules!

Oh look! Now he doesn't want to know what he forgot! Now he trusts his old self! Fuck you, Jason Todd! Fuck you right in your urethra.

Ra's al Ghul prepares to kill Roy and Starfire while Jason watches so Jason decides he'd better remember everything. So he remembers a lot of fighting but no sex. Damn. I was hoping he'd remember fucking people. I suppose the fucking memories won't help him escape now. But maybe remembering some of the stuff Batman taught him will!

And that's what happens! He remembers how to pick locks! I wonder if he also remembered how to masturbate using a room temperature watermelon? It might have helped in this situation!

Ducra is a bit upset for some reason. Apparently Jason Todd wasn't supposed to remember himself yet. Now he's going to save the day his way and not the way she wanted him to save it! I think I liked her plan better because her plan would have resulted in Roy Harper getting killed. Although Starfire would have had to die as well and I don't have anything against her. Oh well. I might even agree to Ted Kord never ever again making an appearance at DC in exchange for never having to read another Roy Harper Narration Box!

Jason Todd begins battling Men-Bats and starts off with the line, "Is that all you've got?" Really, Todd? I might have expected that crap from you when you'd lost your memory but you should know better now! Boring, cliche bullshit. It's possibly the single most predictable and boring thing anybody can ever say whilst playing a game of Monopoly!

Sorry. Had a bit of a Young Ones glitch there.

Next Todd takes out Lady Shiva in a few panels but he explains it while he does it so it doesn't seem as improbable as it really is. See, when he trained under her, she taught him how to defeat her because she's a fucking moron. I mean, yes, technically she taught him how to defeat somebody as skilled as she is. Still a stupid move. Also, if Jason Todd knows that move that takes out Lady Shiva in a few panels, why does he have a problem against anybody ever?

Oh, I see. Because the Crane Kick doesn't work on Weretigers!

It's a good thing Bronze Tiger isn't fighting to win since there are no shortcuts to beating him! He's actually just killing time while Cheshire frees Starfire and Roy because Benji and Jade have decided that they don't want to work for crazy all-powerful Ra's al Ghul. Talia probably gives better benefits and vacation time.

Once Jason and his outlaws are back fighting side by side, he informs them that this has been the plan all along. I'm not sure which plan it's been all along. Probably Talia's plan. He also mentions needing to throw some water on a witch and the only witch in the area is Ducra. Unless he means Ra's but Ra's just soaked in the pool so how does that work? One exposure good; two bad? That's what happened to the Untitled, right? Anyway was Talia's plan to destroy Ducra and possibly her father as well? I think Ducra's plan was to keep Jason Todd an amnesiac so that he would be pure enough to apply the Dragon Punch to Ra's al Ghul and knock the immortality out of him. Essence still doesn't know what the fuck is going on. And Ducra now believes that Jason Todd is about to die. I guess it will all just sort itself out next month.

Red Hood and the Outlaws #26 Rating: No change. I just can't wait until this story arc is over because it will leave behind the last vestiges of Scott Lobdell's taint on this story and its characters. Jason Todd has his memory back and the Untitled are gone. Hopefully Ducra will be taken care of next and Essence will go away and join the Teen Titans. And then Tynion can begin writing stories that only deal with the stuff he's begun concerning Talia and Ra's and the League of Assassins.

Red Hood and the Outlaws #24

Ooh! Ooh! Who is it?! The Caped Batflamboyance?! The High Collared Batfop? The Royal Batdouchebag?

So Jason Todd was bitten by the Dress Like Brother Blood Bug. There are worse viruses that can infect your system. Although that Goddamned leering Bronze Tiger is still pissing me off! And making me hungry for cereal!

Last issue, Red Hood defeated his friends, The Outlaws. But The Outlaws were okay with that because they love Jason Todd and they believe in him and they know that even though he has forgotten everything he ever knew, he still loves them, way deep down in his heart where amnesia can't penetrate! I mean, he can't remember their faces or their names or what it felt like when his dick was deep within them, but you can't erase love! Right?!

The issue begins with December Graystone having a Blood Battle with a mysterious man in Assassin's Creed Cosplay. December remembers this mysterious figure and also has a stupid name. You know what doesn't make you creative? Naming your child. If that's the limit of your creative genius as a human being, you've failed. Especially if you've named your child December. Why not Decagon? Or Decimate? Anything with the Roman prefix for ten is really popular this year! Decompose! Oh wait. That's different somehow. Maybe December was actually named after Francis E. Dec! Now that's something of which I can approve! Normally, I would say, "That's something I can approve of!" But I wanted to sound more sober than I actually am.

Getting back to that mysterious figure, I don't know who it is. Ra's al Ghul? Did he set this all up as a Halloween prank? I still hope it's Bruce Wayne trying to find the Fountain of Undeath to toss Damian into. Although Bruce has lost Damian's corpse, so it really isn't going to help him any.

Underground, Jason Todd and the League of Assassins are busy trying to keep The Untitled out of the pool.

Really? Because I'm fairly certain there are only six or seven of them. The unamnesiac Jason Todd could have taken care of them with his memories tied behind his back! Oh wait....

I guess when your enemies can turn into amorphous blobs of ghostly sentimentality when they're stabbed in the face, six or seven is all that are needed to wipe the floor of Assassinsville with your still beating heart. Luckily Jason Todd is getting advice from his Magic Swords, so he doesn't have to rely on his memory to remind him that The Untitled can be killed by copper. This whole amnesia thing at least gives The Untitled lass from way back in Issue 3 or 4 an out for letting that secret slip! That was almost embarrassing!

Meanwhile Roy Harper is sitting in prison beneath the surface of the beneath the surface city of 'Eth Alth'Eban. I hope I didn't just summon a Great Old One by typing that! Hopefully if I did, it'll be confused by the change back to Standard Time and he'll wind up where I will be an hour before I get there! Except all I do is sit at my desk or in front of the Xbox, so that probably won't help any.

Anyway, Roy is sitting in a cell talking to Cheshire who is sitting outside the cell masturbating. Well, she's not actually masturbating because this isn't a Mature Comic and, from what I've heard from my friend J.T., masturbation doesn't exist in the DC Universe. That might explain a lot of shit! Especially Batman! That guy is pent the fuck up. No, Cheshire is not masturbating. But she's staring at Roy Harper and thinking about fucking his face and his fist and probably his feet and most especially his cock and probably fucking him with her fist and maybe with his quiver and probably fiddling about the edges of his anus with just the tip of his great, big, massive bow. But then, who hasn't had those thoughts about Roy Harper? Well, I haven't! I hate him! He's the stupidest motherfucker in The New 52! Fans of Roy Harper should actually be upset that he wasn't sidelined for this shit!

Oh God Damn It! I didn't mean to make you cry! I'm sorry, okay? OKAY?!

Last issue, I was bitching that the writers kept telling us how caring and sweet and emotional Roy Harper was but the comic book wasn't actually showing that side of his character. He just kept doing selfish shit while acting like a smart mouthed jerk. This is the first time I'm actually believing there's more to him! I've been waiting for this moment since James Tynion took over the writing duties. I knew Lobdell was never going to make him anything more than a mouth with smart remarks. And by smart, I mean irritatingly stupid, actually. But you know, smart remarks is the idiom people understand. They don't say, "Enough with the irritatingly stupid remarks, irritatingly stupid mouth!" Although they really should.

Anyway, it's those tears that finally get Roy Harper fucked by Cheshire! Which is actually counterproductive to what he supposedly just confessed because here he is getting selfishly laid while his best buddy fights for his life and his other best buddy sits in chains which is her worst nightmare. Good for you, Roy!

This is going to be my go-to post-coitus line from now on!

For some reason, Roy Harper's story is the most interesting part of this book this month. Back at the big battle, Jason Todd has discovered that he can kill The Untitled by dunking them in the Well of Sins. Or maybe he's just being tricked, right? Maybe that's what they want! It's hard to tell because comic books like to alter reality every few pages and call it a "twist" as opposed to "the writer changing his mind mid-script." Jason also discovers that his memory wasn't just wiped but that Ducra fucked with it somehow. She may have even implanted herself in there like a disgusting spider that lays eggs in your brain after you've gone out in a beehive hairdo.

The leader of The Untitled, Ducky McSideburns, is shoved in the well and has his powers sucked out of him, turning him back into a real boy. Afterward, Lady Shiva and her army of Manbats begin gathering up the rest of The Untitled and tossing them into the Well.

Umm, Lady Shiva? That outfit might be just a little bit too tight.

While Cheshire takes Roy to see Starfire, the mysterious Assassin's Creed Cosplayer arrives to nitpick Jason Todd's successful campaign against The Untitled. He's also come to take a dunk in the now re-powered Well of Sins because it's been a long time since he's had a nice long bath in a decent Lazarus Pit. Most of the other ones he's soaked in were mostly composed of urine and bits of dead flesh.

I thought about scanning the full page reveal that it is Ra's al Ghul but this page is better in that it sums up the first two years of Red Hood and the Outlaws in one page. And it's a much better read! And quicker!

Red Hood and the Outlaws #24 Rating: +2 Ranking. Yay for the end of The Untitled arc! Hip hip yippee! Perhaps James Tynion will now feel free to abandon every single piece of shit plot hook left by Scott Lobdell and turn this into a comic book worth reading! And maybe Ra's al Ghul and the League of Assassins will eventually get their own title!

Addendum (that has nothing to do with Red Hood but should go somewhere): One of the worst things about life is not being able to control even the things that seem inherently under your own control. Over the last month or two, this blog has seemed like a chore. I would write a commentary and just be sad that it wasn't what it should be. I wind up disappointed and upset that I'm failing the readers. And I always feel I could change that, if I just tried harder! If I just put more into it! Somehow it was my own lack of desire to write commentaries that would make myself laugh when I reread them. But this happens occasionally, of course. I know this. I live it. The brain chemistry goes through its cycles, its motions. And eventually I return to the point where writing the commentaries comes naturally and fills me with energy. There's a manic rush where my mind throws out too many responses to everything I'm reading. Maybe too much sometimes as I mix up everything I'm trying to say! But those commentaries can be funny too as they boggle the mind and you just have to wonder, "What the fuck is that guy thinking?" Even I don't know sometimes, just a month later when I reread them! But getting through those times when I'd rather be in bed sleeping than reading comic books can be pretty fucking annoying. But right now? I'll embrace this feeling. Let's read more comic books, shall we?!

Red Hood and the Outlaws #23

I don't think I'm ever going to like Speedy. At first I just thought it was the way Scott Lobdell was writing him. But I'm beginning to suspect that he's just an asshole. But he's an asshole that the writer keeps telling the reader is actually a great guy with a warm heart and full of emotions. But you'll never see that part of him which is why the writers have to keep stating it. Which makes me believe it isn't actually true, is it? He's just a stupid prick that can kill anyone with anything. I think people really like him from DC's Animated Universe. But since this isn't that, I wouldn't know. He's simply been a grating, awful, self-involved piece of shit that is in love with the idea that he can have a best friend and girlfriend but would probably leave them freezing in the snow for a couple ounces of heroin.

Go on! Convince me that I'm wrong, Speedy Freaks!

Last issue, Roy Harper was proving that he can be a good friend by assaulting the City of Assassins to save his best buddy in all the world, Amnesiac Jason Todd. And since Jason Todd has no memories, he's not actually Roy Harper's friend. Which is why Roy is so pissed off. I mean, concerned. He's concerned about his buddy and not angry that nobody loves him anymore. Jason Todd was busy deciding that the League of Assassins must be his friends because they did so many dickish things to kidnap him. And Starfire was busy learning, from Essence, that The Untitled were going to take over the world by using that idiot Roy Harper as their puppet. Now that we're all caught up on my dislike for Roy Harper, what say we read this shit, eh?

Before all hell breaks loose, I should do some Master Comic Book Reader speculation. Here's my prediction: Jason Todd, Roy Harper, and Starfire will become besties again and have a long hug and go back to doing whatever the fuck they've been doing in this comic book. Dating each other? Dissing Batman and Superman? Having loads of sex? Grumbling? Whinging? Having a laugh?

The main question is: will Jason Todd get his memory back? Of course he will! Through the power of love and being annoying! Jason Todd will be ready to kill Roy Harper and Roy will say, "I won't kill you, buddy. So do whatever you must. I love you in a meaningful, manful way that probably doesn't involve erections but, well, you can never count that shit out. We do live on a deserted island. If Starfire ever stopped putting out, you might want to fletch my love shaft, right? That's arrow terminology!"

Last issue ended with Roy Harper at the Gates of Assassinsville (that should be a Facebook game. Get on it, coders. And toss me 1% of profits for the idea. Except it won't be fun or awesome without me writing the mechanics, so good fucking luck making another boring fucking internet game), so of course this issue begins with him in the middle of the city near the Fountain he needs to destroy while being hassled by Manbats.

Holy Manbats! That's a lot of Manbats. And yet Rictus told Lady Shiva last issue that he thought they might be running out of them due to her deadly training methods. Rictus may be some kind of super robot but he sucks at doing calculations.

After drugging the Manbats with his Propeller Monkey Balls filled with Darts dipped in Mad Hatter Freakout Tea, Roy encounters December Graystone, 12th Level Magic-user. Not Wild Mage. Or Sorcerer. Or Elementalist. Magic-user! That really is kind of a dumb name for a character class. Why isn't the Fighting Man the "Sword-user" or the Cleric the "Healing Spell-user"?

Oh, come one! Goths don't dance! They just kind of shuffle a bit while trying not to set each other on fire with their apathetically held cigarettes. Although December does look more like a Spooky Kid and I don't know what they do instead of dance. Make fun of the Goths dancing?

Speedy takes his Domino Mask off for a bit because Julius or Wayne or Walden or Nei or Daniel or Ray or Ian wasn't paying attention. Instead of listing all of the artists names like I just did, I should actually say Rickey Purdin and Eddie Berganza weren't paying attention because, you know, editors? Hopefully his bullet repelling shield also shielded his identity from being discovered since once Cheshire teleports into his shield and removes the generator from his crotch, his mask reappears on his face. Whew! That was a close one!

Next, Speedy shorts out Cheshire's teleport control in her wrist which makes it go haywire. She disappears so that she can return to fuck Speedy later. One thing The New 52 doesn't really know how to deal with is the relationships that existed in the Preboot era. Most of them are all really being forced because nobody wants to wait month after month to build and reestablish the sexual tension that had existed for so long previously. So we get this shit where Beast Boy and Terra instantly begin dating, and Cheshire and Roy can't stop making comments about how much they'd like to forget about the other one's sense of ethics and elope to Bonetown, and Cassie Sandsmark, after having nearly been killed by Superboy, can't help thinking to herself how hot he is for a big rapey jerk. Although now that Red Robin is fucking everybody on the Teen Titans, that Superboy thing might sort itself out. Also, Superboy has become a much better character since Justin Jordan took over. Too bad Jordan hated working with Scott Lobdell as well and now he's going before he even got a chance to make Superboy interesting.

Back on the surface world, Drakar of the Untitled is speaking with some secret person about how that person helped The Untitled get to the brink of taking over the world. Who could it be?! It looks like Jason Todd. Does Jason Todd have a clone? Did I miss some stupid plot point by Scott Lobdell somewhere while I was busy banging my head against the wall? Maybe it's Bruce Wayne searching for the Well of Souls to heal Damian! That would actually be pretty fucking awesome if Bruce Wayne was behind all of this shit. Of course the Batman Incorporated timeline doesn't really work. But since Scott Lobdell fucked up the continuity between this and Batman Incorporated already, who the fuck cares if it doesn't quite work out? Not me!

Meanwhile, Jason Todd stops Roy before he can blow up the fountain. Well, at least long enough for Starfire to show up.

I hate this amnesia shit. There's nothing worse than a character with absolutely no motivation. Jason Todd wanted to forget so he forgets. Then he wants to remember because he forgot why he wanted to forget. Then he finds out the things he wanted to forget were bad things that his friends were keeping from him to help him keep them forgotten like he wanted. So then he decides they're jerks for keeping the fact that he's a killer a secret because he hates that he was a killer which is why he wanted to forget in the first place. And since these old friends were such big liars, Jason decided to hook up with a bunch of killers because he doesn't want to be known for being a killer. I'm totally following this!

Kori arrives in time to blow up Roy's super gun so that he can't blow up the fountain. I think Roy makes a sex joke when Starfire appears when Roy says, "You had to show up and rub it in, didn't you?" Right? Is that sexy?

Starfire meets Rictus the Broken Ghost Calculater and is quickly dropped down into the center of the Earth because he's a ghost robot and can change his density just like a ghost and/or a robot.

And then Roy meets the rest of the League of Assassins. Or a bunch of Breakfast Cereal Mascots.

They're magically delicious!

Getting his ass severely handed to him can't stop Roy Harper though! Pshaw! That's every fucking day of his life! You can't get a man at the bottom down, bitches! He shoots his first arrow of the night (although it's out of a gun. Fucking poseur) and destroys the fountain. He even predicts the exact comic book noise it makes when it collapses! He knows his destructive noises! I mean, he is Arsenal, after all! Although he'll always be Speedy to me.

Jason Todd takes up the leadership role as The Headmaster of the League of Assassins just in time to order the League not to kill Roy and Starfire. Whew! That was a close one! But what kind of fucking Assassin leader is he if his first order is not to kill? A shitty one, right? Plus he's arguing with a bipedal tiger man. This League is a joke!

Why does Bronze Tiger need to look like a tiger to do his job? DC's marketing assholes must think a Tiger Headed Fool will sell more comic books than a black man kicking major ass. I think the marketing department has a list of characters they think will sell the most books to those that will sell the least.

DC Marketing Pro-Tips!
1. White Heterosexual Male.
2. White Heterosexual Female.
3. Tiger Headed Humanoid.
4. Hispanic Heterosexual Female (generally supporting cast, non-super-powered).
5. Black Heterosexual Male.
6. Hispanic Gay Female.
7. White Gay Male.
8. Hispanic Heterosexual Male.
9. White Gay Female.
10. Black Heterosexual Female.
11. I think that's all the combinations that will sell. If we need more, ask Gail Simone.

Before Roy and Starfire are thrown in Assassin prison, they give Jason Todd their "We Still Love You!" speech.

Oh Jason! How could you have gotten everything so wrong?! Idiot.

Jesus. How would I navigate through the maze of everyday life without my knowledge of pop culture tropes? Realize that this is technically Jason Todd's first time every seeing this trope! He's experiencing the defeated friends still love you confusion for the first time ever! As if it doesn't happen all the fucking time! What a lucky bastard! I bet DC wishes they could have erased the actual memory of all of their fans instead of just asking the fans to sort of kind of ignore the past and pretend everything is new again.

And then The Untitled attack and it's up to Jason Todd to bring balance to the force.

Red Hood and the Outlaws #23 Rating: +1 Ranking. Not that I was overly impressed by this issue but at least it didn't bore me and I enjoyed it as much as any comic book I'd pick up if it were in arm's reach and my cat was on my lap so I couldn't go anywhere. Roy was annoying but I suppose he's meant to be. Starfire was too easily defeated just by making her feel fat. And Jason Todd seemingly can only defeat The Untitled and bring balance to the world by losing his memories and leading a bunch of Assassins in battle. Assassins that somehow believe they're going to turn the world into a Utopia. What? How? By allowing anybody that's pissed at anybody else to murder them? Sure, that may seem great in the short term! "Fucker bumped me and made me spill my coffee? Dead!" I mean, that might feel good while you're still angry about your spilled coffee. But after the anger subsides, you're going to start wondering if maybe you overreacted a bit. I'm not sure the world is ready for this kind of overwhelming guilt.

Red Hood and the Outlaws #22

I never look forward to reading this book.

Scott Lobdell shit so much shit all over Red Hood and the Outlaws that they've been tainted forever. Now James Tynion has been sent in to clean them up but that cleaning process is boring the fuck out of me. Apparently I sort of liked last issue although I can't be certain that I wasn't on some kind of medication when I wrote the last commentary because I am not excited to begin reading this issue. No, I am more than not excited. I am loath -- LOATH! -- to read it.

Doom Bunny said I should suggest a new team-up to fight crime under the mantle of Red Hood and the Outlaws because I'm sort of hoping that Tynion kills off Jason Todd, Starfire, and Roy Harper. Not that I hate the characters! But I can barely look at them after what Lobdell did to them. I know it's not their fault! I'm acting like a person whose dog was just sexually molested by a raccoon and he just can't bare to look his dog in the eye anymore. "Are you kidding, dog? You couldn't stop that from happening?" Obviously I chose a dog and a raccoon instead of human examples because it's easier to accept me blaming the victim if it's a stupid dog that was victimized! But I know I shouldn't blame Jason Todd and Roy Harper and Starfire. But I do. I DO! Anyway, you can't judge me for blaming them because judging people is wrong on Tumblr. So fuck off, Judgy!

Oh! My new Red Hood and the Outlaws cast! First we need somebody to take over for Red Hood since we can't change the name of the comic book. I think The Red Hood should be female this time. I think it should be Jinx but not the normal DC Comics version; I'd like to see the Teen Titans cartoon version of Jinx as The Red Hood. Instead of Starfire, I'd replace her with Windfall from The Masters of Disaster (and Suicide Squad until she died. Jerks!). But this is The New 52, so she can come back and join this team. Lastly we need a guy that's not very useful and kind of annoying but thinks he's funny. I kind of like the idea of having Beast Boy on the team instead of over on the Teen Titans. And these three characters make more sense being on a team with "Outlaws" in the name than the current roster of Speedy and Starfire. Obviously Red Hood fits the Outlaw title but he's the Red Hood part of the title! So that's my hastily put together dream team for this comic book. It would probably change quite a bit if I actually thought much about it.

Currently Roy Harper is building shit for The Untitled to help them get into the City of Assassins, kill all of the assassins, and free Jason Todd. Kori ran off with Essence to try to save Jason Todd a different way. And the League of Assassins are convincing Jason Todd that his friends are assholes that will only get him killed. It's interesting that Jason Todd decided the people claiming to love him and hide the truth about his past (which Jason obviously wanted to hide himself! Jesus, Todd. Use some fucking logic) are his enemies while a woman running about poisoning everything, a weretiger named Ben, and a fancy magician called December are his best buddies in all the world.

Whoa! Calm down there, Tony!

Starfire is back on her Island Headquarters fiddling with a machine that scoops Essence out of the air and drops her at Starfire's feet. Starfire believes that doing this and then yelling "Wait! Listen!" will stop the hero on hero violence. She's pretty naive! Now I really do believe she's from another planet! Except she's from a planet that's far more violent than this one. So maybe that's why she thought it would work! Humans (or, um, human smoke monsters?) are more reasonable than Tamaraneans! I don't know if I spelled that right and I'm too lazy to look it up.

Anyway, Essence and Starfire decide to waste a few pages blasting each other with their Star Bolts and Shadow Darts. Starfire eventually beats the information she was seeking out of Essence. It turns out that breaking the seals on the Assassin's city to let in The Untitled is a "very, very bad" idea. It will make them unstoppable.

Hey Essence! I've got a tip for you to use in the future. When you have vital information that could stop the end of the world from happening, like say, keeping someone from eating a cookie that will unleash a world killing demon, you shouldn't just appear to somebody and say, "Don't eat that cookie." You've got to tell them what the consequences of their actions will be because Godfuckingdammit I'm going to eat that cookie! Just like Roy Harper decided to help the Untitled to save Jason because you weren't explicit! But you didn't have time to explain! Although now that Starfire pulled you out of thin air, you have all the time in the world to throw punches and eventually explain.

I have a feeling I shouldn't be reading comic books if I'm not willing to put in the time to buy into all the comic book tropes that hold everything together!

Meanwhile in Al'fons'hel'breath, Jason Todd is getting the tour of the city. There is a market full of things that kill people, Cheshire having sex with and killing people, Lady Shiva killing Man-bats, killing, killing, more killing, some other killing, and a little extra downtime killing. They must have a steady influx of immigrants to maintain this level of killing.

We get it. You can look like a tiger. Can you change the fuck back now? Or at least show us your tiger cock. Unless somebody made a virility soup out of it?

Jason and his assassin buddies are securing the city so that the Untitled can't destroy it. But Roy Harper is busy building a weapon capable of destroying it! And Essence is busy telling Starfire the history of The Untitled and Ra's al Ghul and the Well of Sins and how all of this shit fits together. Even before reading her story, the puzzle is beginning to take shape. Wells, Pits, Jason Todd, League of Assassins, Ra's al Ghul. So how do the pieces fit together?

The Untitled were created by The Well of Sins. The Lazarus Pits are runoff from the Well. The Well created The Untitled. Ra's al Ghul wanted to learn more about the pits and discovered the All Caste. He learned about the Well and took charge of it building his City of Assassins around it to guard it from anybody using it. The Untitled, the All Caste, and Ra's al Ghul all held to the deal and nobody used the power of the Well of Sins. But now the Untitled want it for themselves. And Jason, being a product of the Lazarus Pit, must be the Chosen One to stop them because he's so closely connected to it. So Roy Harper must be stopped from destroying the seal that protects the fountain. It looks like the Assassins may be on the right side!

Now Roy and Starfire and Jason are all set to go head to head to head for the fate of something. The world, maybe? Although Starfire and Jason are kind of on the same side. And Roy will jump ship when he finally smartens up. I think if the Untitled were all killed in this story line, it'd be good enough for me. Tynion doesn't have to kill the main characters.

Red Hood and the Outlaws #22: No change. For many, many months, I felt the most apathy towards Batwing. But Red Hood and the Outlaws, now that I don't completely hate it due to Lobdell's writing, has taken Batwing's place as the most uninteresting comic book of The New 52! As you can tell, my rankings depend a lot on how much fun I have writing the commentary. This book is a snoozefest. Also, I'm not a fan of Julius Gopez at all. It's amazing the difference between his solo pages and the pages inked by Ray McCarthy. They're not my favorite pages either but you can tell Gopez's work is getting a big lift from Ray's inks.

Red Hood and the Outlaws #21

I bet this issue takes place after Red Hood and the Outlaws #25.

That was a joke pointing out how DC often publishes comic books with editorial notes telling the reader that the story within the comic book takes place after a comic book that has yet to be published. That was an unnecessary sentence explaining another sentence which wasn't really much of a joke in the first place if I decided I needed to explain it. Perhaps I should just explain why I say everything that I say? I'm afraid if I do that, I'll never finish the commentary. I might not ever even open up the comic book! Which wouldn't be a bad thing considering Red Hood and the Outlaws has, historically, not been very good. That was me being charitable because what I really want to say is that Red Hood and the Outlaws has been a fucking miscarriage every month. And not a sad, human miscarriage which would be a sad and hurtful thing to say, but a doggy miscarriage where all the puppies weren't even puppy shaped yet and the mother ate them. Oh fuck, that's even worse! Pretend I just said miscarriage of justice and let's move on to other descriptions of how bad this comic book has been! I'm so sorry!

If I was really sorry, I would have edited myself and taken out the previous couple of lines. In fact, I just went back and edited what I had typed earlier and made it fucking worse! I'm a Goddamned monster! But speaking of miscarriages, I once had a daughter for about two days. We named her Astird after Jan's baby on The Office because that episode was on the night after my girlfriend's pregnancy test betrayed the fuck out of us and tried to shit all over our lives! Thankfully, Jesus and/or Mother Nature (but not Medical Science! It wasn't the bad guy this time!) decided to abort the baby a day later like a gigantic dickhead that supports abortion. I know that when things happen to religious people that they didn't expect to happen but they were really thankful that it did happen, they call it a miracle. So I went around claiming this was a miracle which may or may not have been tacky and offensive to religious people. But since they all secretly believe I'm going to Hell, I don't give a fuck what they think of my words!

Being less facetious in this paragraph, my girlfriend was concerned when she began menstruating after having just tested positive for being pregnant on approximately thirty-four separate pregnancy tests. So I did what most people do when you have medical concerns: I consulted with Doctor Lord Google! And I found many, many, many forums where sad and weeping women were having the same problem. I was concerned that I was feeling happy while all of these other people were terribly distraught but then I remembered that I'm a Goddamned monster and continued to read. It seems that all of these really, super-duper early pregnancy test kits give out a stunning amount of false positives if women happen to take them at exactly the right time. I suppose an egg is impregnated and the body begins producing hormones but the egg never actually picks a nice cozy spot of uterine wall with a picturesque view of the fallopian tubes. I probably have all of my sex information wrong because I had American Sex Ed. If I remember correctly, they combined it with Driver's Ed and Square Dancing.

I'm not sure I've even told my mother that story! So why am I telling a bunch of strangers who just want to hear about how poorly Jason Todd continues to be written?! Well, whoever waded through all those words to get to these words, I'll begin now with a picture to reward your patience.

Also Roy Harper Narration Boxing which is a fucking punishment. So, you know, sorry again!

With apology after apology, I think I'm going to get a reputation for being insincere! Unless all of my lying, facetiousness, and hyperbole have already sunk that ship.

Roy Harper isn't doing his normal Narration Boxing where he's speaking from a future place to some unknown audience. This time, he's speaking to Hugo Strange! It's so fucking weird to see Narration Boxing fitting within the context of the story instead of being a strange amorphous out-of-sync director's cut full of explication and over-explication! That sentence courtesy of my nonsense filter that desperately needed to say something.

Roy is wearing a new hat because Cheshire stole his hat. Or made it say loser. Maybe she did both of those things. His new hat says "Taco Robot." Is there a Taco Robot in Seattle? There's a Robo Taco here in Portland which I always thought was Robotaco but apparently is not that.

Roy Harper belly aches to Hugo about how he's losing his friends even though they were having so much fun. Were they really having fun? Were they really his friends? Those are the kinds of questions Hugo Strange should be asking! But he's not asking questions at all which is why I would be suspicious that he's not a real therapist! Instead he's telling Roy what Roy wants to hear! That he trusts too easily and he wears his heart on his sleeve and he's such a great shot with a bow and arrow. Well, maybe not that last one. But I'm sure Roy would love to hear it.

Meanwhile Kory is outside the therapist's office eavesdropping. I'm not sure that's how that's supposed to work! Shouldn't Hugo Strange have a secretary telling Kori to get the fuck away from the door? Even Dr. Katz had a secretary even though she was a worthless jerk. A super cute worthless jerk with an adorable attitude. Between my crush on Dr. Katz's Laura and Parks and Recreation's April, I think I might have a thing for sarcastic women that hate doing their jobs.

Essence appears outside the window simply to pass some relevant plot information on to Kori about how Hugo is selling Roy and Kori out to whoever is offering the half a million dollar bounty and that they're all just pawns in a much larger game and how they've arrived! Maybe these people arriving will be The Thirteen that Scott Lobdell made up as another Omniverse ending threat in a few throwaway lines during the Star Wars issues.

How come people always have time to say things like, "It's too late! No time to explain!"? Can't they at least try to explain using the sentences they just wasted saying how there's no more time and fuck you?

Meanwhile, Jason Todd is being hassled by assassins in the Pacific Northwest. He's in the Pacific Northwest because he stowed away on Green Arrows Heliflipper. The assassins are in the Pacific Northwest because they enjoy the mild weather and the lush forests. The assassins currently chasing him are Rictus (who?!), Lady Shiva, and Cheshire.

But the exciting kicking and punching will have to wait until Hugo Strange's plans come to fruition. I first learned the word fruition from The Police song, "Wrapped Around My Finger." That may have also been the first song that I really like because of the power shift at the end of the song. I first heard that album when I was 11 or 12 while vacationing in Yosetime. During that trip, my mother was reading Interview with a Vampire. This would have been a few years before The Vampire Lestat was published. I wanted to read it because it had vampires but my mom told me I wouldn't be interested in it. I'm pretty sure my eleven year old self would have hated it and completely misunderstood it and would not have even read many pages.

What the fuck was I talking about? Oh yeah! Hugo Strange and the people behind the bounty! I don't know why I guessed The Thirteen when that was a stupid plot thread that I hope everybody forgot about. It should have been obvious to anybody except me that the people behind the bounty were The Untitled! I was hoping they had all died somehow.

Why do The Untitled care about Roy and Kori?

The Untitled may not be the jerks behind the bounty. Dr. Strange looks shocked to see them, so they may have just come back into the plot to add to the chaos. And what about Deathstork Deathstroke? He was hunting The Outlaws for free even though that goes against every fucking thing he believes in. But that scene where he says that was written by Scott Lobdell and Lobdell loves to write about people wanting to prove themselves in combat against other people. It's one of the few motivations Lobdell can come up with to advance a plot.

That would mean Hugo, Deathstroke, The Untitled, The League of Assassins, and whoever put up the bounty are all coming for The Outlaws. And The Thirteen! Can't forget about The Thirteen like everybody else forgot about The Thirteen!

Back to Jason Todd, he's gotten his ass handed to him by Blood Mage and Cheshire and Rictus and Lady Shiva and now Bronze Tiger in his new Weretiger form.

In keeping with The New 52 Theme of making Super Villains more supery, Bronze Tiger is now an actual tiger instead of simply a boring old martial arts expert who is boring and human shaped. BORING! Now he's a tiger! EXCITING! And probably GREEEEEAAAAT!

The League of Assassins take Jason to his new home in 'Eth Alth'eban which sounds like it might house an Elder God or two or three or all of them.

Back in Hugo's office, Hugo scarpers out of there and The Untitled claim they were behind the bounty to keep The Outlaws on their feet. I'm sure it makes some kind of comic book sense if you don't think about it and are simply reading each comic book as they come out and retaining just a vague memory of the plot from month to month. So The Untitled want to destroy the League of Assassins but they can't get inot 'Eth Alth'eban because of some sacred symbols or something. They need Roy and Kori to destroy the symbols to help them get in so they can kill the League and save Jason. Once Jason is back with Roy and Kori and the League is destroyed, the Untitled promise to go away forever. That sounds like a good deal! Rid this book of any Lobdell ideas as quickly as possible!

Roy joins with The Untitled but Starfire won't deal with them. She goes to find Essence in the hopes that with her help, they can save Jason. But Jason doesn't need saving because he's been chosen as the leader of the League of Assassins. I guess this means there is going to be a war or a well-structured debate or something.

Red Hood and the Outlaws #21 Rating: +1 Ranking. This is the first issue that I've actually kind of liked in a long time. A lot of plot threads are coming together and hopefully when this story arc is through, we can get some kind of coherent team structure with an actual reason for these three to be hanging out. I'm still not totally sure why they're outlaws!

Earth 2 Annual #1

What the world needs now is MORE BATMAN!

While half asleep last night, I came up with a plan for you to use if you ever want to scare your friends. So here's what you do if you ever find yourself with a group friends in a stark urban/lonely rural/disquieting natural landscape!

How To Properly Scare Your Friends

1. Gather your friends together.
2. Light the room with candles.
3. Invoke Satan's name loudly.
4. Begin playing a scary children's game like Bloody Mary or Ouija or Hide and Seek or Machete Tag.
5. After the game has been going for at least fifteen minutes or so, excuse yourself from the room.
6. Kill yourself.
7. Come back and haunt them!
8. Congratulate yourself on a job well done.

If they don't seem to be afraid of you, look in a mirror. If you don't look like something from a Japanese Horror Movie, you might have to use your brains instead of your good looks to scare them. Try manipulating the Ouija board so it spells out, "NO MORE CANDY" or "I HAVEN'T HAD ANAL IN YEARS."

This is the super trimmed down version of my late night vision since remembering all the random thoughts that enter your half-asleep head is stupidly impossible. I really need a secretary to dictate my pre-sleep and post-waking thoughts so I stop spilling them all over the bedroom floor and losing them. I think the entire thought began with a flow chart of things to do to survive a Japanese Horror Film! The first decision was something like, "Look around at your friends? Is everybody Japanese?" If Yes then "You are fucked." Actually, it went on to ask multiple questions like "Are you making a typical stand against Japanese Cultural Homogeneity?" If Yes, then "Do you harbor any horrible secrets like the way you might have treated the fat kid in elementary school?" It would be a long string of questions that if you answer yes to all of them, you'd eventually get to the "You're fucked!" conclusion because not only will you die in the horror movie but you're most likely the cause of the horrible spirit as well!

That whole last paragraph just seems to come across as lazy because it's simply an example of something I should have just put together. And I might have, too, if I'd thought of it with a clearer head! But I don't feel like dredging up all the half-remembered ideas that I loved so much last night as I was falling asleep and now can barely grasp in the morning. That's work and, as Future Retard so eloquently put it so many years ago, work is not fun.

One more thing before I begin reading another stupid Annual: my cat's new nickname is Captain Blasters.

The American Motto: "We get it done without expending any significant time questioning what 'it' is!"

Al Pratt, now known as The Atom, is on his way to find the new Batman or defeat Steppenwolf or imperialize another country as he remembers when he finally gave some consideration to the phrase, "Get it done." At the time, his therapist was an amazingly intuitive genius that realized Al had problems because he hadn't smiled for a full year. At the beginning of that year, Al was blown up by a nuclear missile and survived. That's the kind of thing that would have me dancing in the streets! Except I'm pretty sure he has Survivor's Guilt and that can make you think all kinds of crazy things like you don't deserve to live or that God actually exists.

Al Pratt also remembers fighting vampires with Steel two and three quarters years ago. He may or may not have been a Manhunter. Two and a half years ago, his therapist asked the most important question of all.

Oh! Oh! I know! Because this is a Teen Rated comic book! Also because our patriarchy has had a serious issue with showing the penis, even when it's flaccid! I don't know if it has to do with stodgy old white men with small dicks or somehow trying to control the sexual urges of women by allowing them very few mainstream opportunities to see the male genitalia. Recently there have been more movies willing to show the flaccid penis and I say, "It's about fucking time!" Not that I was particularly clamoring for it! But I never understood why it had to be such a huge issue that my aunt kept a mental list of the handful of movies she could rent at the video store that might give her a glimpse of the dong.

So Al Pratt, The Atom, has entered Phnom Penh to seek out some guy named Henri Roy. Meanwhile Steel has a meeting with Commander Khan of the World Army. The meeting is about the Fire Pits of Earth which Sloan set up probably because he had some kind of back door deal with Darkseid. That sounded sexier than I expected. Oh, but it gets even sexier! Commander Khan wants Steel to penetrate the Fire Pit in Rio De Janeiro!

That part with Steel and Khan was just an interlude and since it didn't say, "First Interlude," I'm guessing that's going to be a story for another day. I think it's about time we learn about the new Batman and how he's going to rescue The Atom.

Except I was taken in by The Atom's disguise myself and forgot he was The Atom! Why should he need to be rescued? He just grows into a giant with atomic fists and begins getting it done. Meanwhile the newest Batman sits in the rafters doing research. Roy climbs into his Mech and runs off while Newest Batman makes his debut taking out some reinforcements so The Atom can chase after Roy who opted for the Grasshopper over the Atlas because he's more the turn and run type than the stand and blow 5,000 missiles down your opponent's throat type.

Here he is! The newest Goddamned BAAAAAATMMMMMMAAAAAAAN! (Sang to the tune of whatever fucking song is stuck in your head right now)

The Atom captures Henri Roy but that's just the backdrop for the real story. War has been declared on Steppenwolf's country of Dherain and the World Army is sending in The Atom with Red Arrow and some of the Sandmen. Also, Henri Roy's boy, Henri Junior, has been having oncoming super power headaches for some time now and Sloan wants to run some tests on him. Also also, the World Army is bringing back their Heroes Initiative to gather up heroes for their cause. Ostensibly overseen by Terry Sloan, the Heroes Initiative will be managed and run by Sonia Sato, The Atom's crush. But I think that whole war with Steppenwolf thing can wait for the regular issues. For now, let's get back to Newest Batman!

Newest Batman is busy with detective work. Seems a bunch of super villains on Earth were given their powers by Kanto of Apokolips. And Kanto has been calling in those super villains to do some work for him as payback for their special powers. Newest Batman has been trying to track down where they're going and what Kanto is up to.

Is Newest Batman a killer?

Meanwhile in the epilogue (or the prologue for Earth #13 depending on how empty or full your comic books are), Scott Free and Barda are killing dinosaurs in Gotham City's Lost Land. The Gotham of Earth 2 is full of broken down buildings and burnt out skyscrapers, lush jungles, mad scientists, and roaming dinosaurs. In other words, not half as dangerous as the Gotham City of Earth Prime. Barda and Scott are in search of Newest Batman but have found no sign of him.

They do manage to find Fury though.

Earth 2 Annual #1 Rating: It mentioned Kanto the Assassin! That should be good enough for everybody's dog's mother.

Red Hood and the Outlaws #20

Roy is pondering forgetting the last year with Lobdell as well.

I wonder if DC would be willing to put The New 52 on hiatus for a few months so I can take a break from comic book blogging! I try to do two issues a day to keep up and even that is a bit overwhelming. I've barely had any time to play Bioshock Infinite! I did a couple of half-assed internet searches to try to find someone else that is blogging about all of The New 52 books but didn't come up with anything. But like I said, it was half-assed. When I first began this, there was another guy on Tumblr called Every Last Panel and he was reading everything DC was putting out and writing up short blogs with scans. But he simply stopped posting around Wonder Woman's wedding in Hell and then disappeared from Tumblr altogether. So I guess I have to keep blogging so I can remember every comic I read from month to month. Dammit.

One thing's for certain: I need to make these things much shorter. And probably less funny with a lot more dry, boring, intellectual asides about the actual possibilities of somebody swinging from a rope or creating boxing gloves out of green light. Oh! I know! I can stop beginning entries with random bullshit and just dive right into the comic book!

Jason Todd is super happy to have forgotten everything he's ever experienced. Although I don't know how happy he can be about forgetting when he can't remember the things he wanted to forget. Isn't he curious about what he's forgotten? I would think he'd begin to wonder how his old memories could have been so bad and then he'd be curious what they were and then he'd want them back so he could know if he made the right decision! And then he'd get back the memories and he'd say, "Oh fuck. Yeah. That sucked." And then he'd have them wiped again and start the whole process all over. I think erasing your memories only works if nobody tells you afterwords that your memories were erased. You could just suddenly begin anew and think, "Hey! What's this?! Who am I? Where am I? Why do I know language after having just come into existence? And since I know language and concepts, I know I probably have existed for at least two decades before suddenly being aware of things which means I probably have amnesia! I wonder who I was? Maybe I should try to get my memories back!" Oh, hmm, that didn't work either. I guess you'll always want to get your memories back no matter what. Unless you're just a shallow twat with no sense of curiosity! So it should actually work pretty well for Roy Harper.

Saru decides to give Starfire a glimpse of Jason Todd's memories so they can sense why he would want to lose them. If Saru did that to someone with my memories, you'd just have memories of me eating cookies and masturbating (mostly at different times).

One of the memories Saru gives them a glimpse of is the night Roy and Jason first met.

Shouldn't giving this memory to Roy cause some kind of strange recursive memory since Roy now has the memory from two points of view?

Roy points out that this was a good memory! Jason was making friends! Who wants to forget how to do that? Seriously! I wish I could remember how to do that! I haven't made a new friend since elementary school! Well, not a real one, anyway. After third grade, I've simply just been faking it with everyone I meet. I mirror their emotions and it seems to all work out. I must be pretty good at faking it, though, since I was best man at my "friend" Doom Bunny's wedding! Saru goes on to explain what happened after Jason and Roy met.

Oh shut up! That's the stupidest thing anybody's ever said! Every fucking event could have been said to have "started" after any other fucking event that preceded the first fucking event! Stupid bald fucker.

Saru then gives them another one of Jason's memories where he couldn't handle being an Assassin because it felt wrong. Oh boo hoo! You're the one that wanted to discard all of Batman's teachings. If Todd could still remember Batman, he'd remember that Batman is the most morally and ethically upstanding citizen of the world.

After Saru gets done handing out Jason Todd's memories, he decides to go after Kori's memories. So that Starfire won't continue to be a totally shallow cum-dumpster, Saru points out that she actually feels too much! She's been lying for twenty issues about how she can't really connect with anyone unless their genitals are in her mouth. She actually, like Othello, loves too well! And she's been keeping one memory secret even from herself. Saru figures it's only fitting that she remember this memory since she's taking the side of the debate, "Memories are Good."

I was hoping it was going to be about Nightwing. But it doesn't look like we'll get much more than a taste!

Jason seems to be the only person to respect the old Jason because he seems to think whoever that old Jason was, he probably made this decision for a good reason. So new Jason is fine with having to begin again. Kori seems to be coming around but Speedy can't let it go. I think Roy needs Jason to remember that he was a shitty sidekick just like Roy was so that they'll have something to bond over.

His hat now says "DUNCE" for the 100% of people who can't read it from the small scan and bleeding colors.

Saru kicks them out Once and For Acres of All and they wind up in the snow, Roy crying as if the girl he loved most in the world just told him she'd erased her memories and as if his best friend did feel something when he sucked his dick. It's all very traumatic and dramatic and chromatic. But then it takes a turn for the monochromatic when Essence arrives!

Essence blathers on to her ghost mother Ducra and naked Saru about how this is the moment that started the events that led to their deaths! But she'll change it, by gum! She'll make sure they live! Because...well, I don't know why. Because she's in love with Jason Todd? I don't really know why she thinks they need to be saved. Perhaps it's the same feeling you'd have seeing a box of kittens slowly sinking into a lake. You would have to do something! So you'd search around for a large rock to sink the box faster. Er, I mean, wade in and save them!

And then in Seattle, Green Arrow discovers a bounty on the heads of Starfire, Red Hood, and Speedy of 500 million dollars each. And he jumps into action to save them in the Annual!

Red Hood and the Outlaws #20 Rating: +2 Ranking. Even though Jason Todd has lost his memories, it seems to be some kind of plan between Ducra and Saru to help him in the long run. Perhaps he'll learn that hiding and running isn't the best option and he'll be more determined to face his past once he gets his memories back. And there was a minor hint about Starfire and Nightwing, so, in the immortal words of Jelyde, that's got to be worth a point or two!

Red Hood and the Outlaws #19

Odd that Red Hood's past was erased in Red Hood #17 but was then given back to him in Red Hood #18 and now needs to be taken away again in Red Hood #19.

Don't get me wrong! I'm all for Jason Todd forgetting his Scott Lobdell years! But this whole thing stinks of poor editing. It seemed like they wanted to Reboot Jason's mind so Lobdell did that issue where everyone was hanging out with Batman at the Summer Batcave and nobody cared about the whole Joker incident anymore and then Jason's mind was wiped. At least that's what The Joker said was going to happen in his hologram threat. But then the next issue, Lobdell needed Jason Todd to have his memories so that he could deal with The Joker some more and then have a memory about apologizing to Batman in Batman Incorporated for something that in no way could have happened yet. I'm sure James Tynion IV doesn't want to touch any of the convoluted bullshit that came before, so it's time to re-erase Jason Todd's mind! Maybe. Maybe he'll just deal with his past and move on. That would be weird though. Serious growth and change in comic book characters is pretty fucking rare.

The first panel of this issue begins with an editorial note to "Find out why Jason left Bruce in Ethiopia in Batman and Red Hood #20." I'm sick of editorial referencing comic books that have yet to come out. I began my commentary on Catwoman #19 yesterday and put it down when it referenced Justice League of America #3. And because I don't pay very close attention to when each comic book comes out, I walked down to Excalibur Comics to find JLA #3. They didn't have it and the owner didn't know it's actually been delayed. I found that out later after walking to Future Dreams. Then to make sure, I looked online and saw it was delayed. Is Justice League of America the first comic to not make deadline? I know I joked about Superman #18 but that one at least came out when it was scheduled even though it was the wrong month.

Anyway, I'm used to this type of editorial note from DC since the Reboot even though it's annoying. So I guess I'll find out about Batman and Red Hood later in Batman and Robin #20. So if Batman and Robin went to Batman and Red Robin and then to Batman and Red Hood, does the next comic have to be Batman and Hood Rat? Then Batman and Mall Rat! Then Batman and Mall Cop!

[[MORE]] Jason Todd's Wayne Private Jet gets boarded in midair so Jason Todd crashes it into the Himalayas to keep the thieves from getting any money. That'll teach 'em! And Bruce won't even notice one missing private jet. It's like tossing pennies into a fountain for him. Starfire and Speedy later find the jet and guess they're hot on Todd's trail. James Tynion IV is already steering this book away from Lobdell's influence by not naming the issue after skewed musical lyrics.

While Speedy and Starfire search for the entrance to the domain of the All-Caste, Essence is busy trying to stop them.

By shoving her black gunk into Speedy's face.

Essence's bad dream only gets Speedy more determined to find Jason Todd. He also wakes up realizing how to find the Acres of All, the All-Caste's demesnes. So he and Kori fly through a mountain and meet a dinosaur. Why wasn't that dinosaur on the cover?! DC could have sold this issue to at least another million kids.

This seems like the kind of dialogue that Scott Lobdell kept trying to write but couldn't quite pull it off. Or maybe he did but I was too distracted by the stupid fucking Narration Box that would have followed.

It's strange being halfway through an issue of Red Hood and the Outlaws with nary a Narration Box to be seen. Here's some of their battle against the dinomonsters.

Speedy, Princess Warrior.

Jason Todd arrives to kill the Boss Dinomonster but he doesn't recognize Kori and Roy. I guess The Joker's dememorization trap didn't work because even when Todd was still on the plane, he remembered Alfred. And he'll probably be his normal self in Batman and Red Hood #20. So now something must have happened here in the Acres of All that took away his memory. Must be that little bald baby man, S'aru, that kept Jason's best memory of Bruce staying in for the night to spend it with Jason while he was sick. That's also probably why that guy was on the cover stealing Red Hood's memories.

Red Hood #17-19 is just a fucking editorial mess. They obviously wanted to have Jason Todd lose his memories. My guess is that once Damian's death sort of stuck itself into the narrative, Lobdell's Requiem issue needed Todd to still have his memories. So now Jason Todd needed two different stories to get him to lose his memories. I don't blame Lobdell or Tynion for this ridiculousness. Fucking editorial. I haven't bitched about them enough lately!

S'aru finishes his thought with, "I'll just take it all!"

Apparently Jason Todd learned nothing from his hallucination of Ducra while in his coma. Hallucination Ducra told him he couldn't let The Joker run his life. So what does Jason Todd do? He goes off to get a new life due to The Joker's taint of his old life. Which is just letting The Joker run his life! At least Jason Todd was allowed to keep language and the ability to walk! I don't know yet if he retained the ability to use a toilet.

Red Hood and the Outlaws #19 Rating: +3 Ranking. The increase in ranking doesn't have anything to do with the story. It was fairly typical of this comic book although the dialogue was executed better. I'm not a fan of erasing all of Jason Todd's memories because now he's not Jason Todd. You may as well just get a new Red Hood the way they got a new Batwing over in that comic book. I'm sure there will be more to the story though, so hopefully it'll play out in an interesting manner. The real reason for the rise in the ranks was NO NARRATION BOXES! Hallelujah! I felt like I should write my own Speedy Narration Boxes and insert them into the comic book. But I don't think I can write crappy enough Narration Boxes to justify the endeavor.