Team 7 #8

Single Red Rose. Romantic Lightning. Pandora's Box Exploding From Being Touched. This was a good date!

Last issue I mentioned how confused I was about the creation of Majestic. I thought I'd cleared it all up and decided that Kaizen Gammora had sent Spartan to activate Majestic so that Kaizen would have the chance to kill a God. And then I opened this issue to the first page.

So now John Lynch is taking credit for it?

Maybe Lynch is taking credit for creating Majestic but not activating the meta-gene. Perhaps Team 7 found a way to manipulate and alter the meta-gene so that when it was activated, the resulting super power was tailor made to the person. That would make sense in that Black Canary's codename was "Canary" before she knew she could scream people's brains out. I think her codename was Canary because she was always the first one in a room to smell a fart.

The idea that Team 7 was working in experimental Meta-Gene splicing techniques probably also explains why they were big into cloning the children of active members and/or interns! I don't know. It seemed to make sense when I thought it.

Then again, I don't think my commentaries on Team 7 are a very accurate portrayal of this comic book and what it's doing because I tend to sleep through most of it.

And then something touches Amanda like the fluttering of a moth's wings. Except this moth was the size of Tokyo and the wings fluttered with the impact of a 20 megaton missile.

I have no idea what a megaton is. It sounds like either a lot of tons, or one really super amazing ton that all the really popular and cute chicks have a crush on.

So here comes this tidal wave and it's crashing into buildings and breaking everything and turning over cars and drowning the shit out of everybody and Team 7 grabs their guns and go, "Let's rock!" Or at least that's what I'm assuming they're going to do since the only plan they've worked on over the years is Shoot Lots of Bullets Until We Win plan.

But you did it to yourself! You created Majestic with Spartan! Didn't you? I'M SO FUCKING CONFUSED!

Kaizen Gamorra's palace was not swept away in the tidal wave so Team 7 actually might be able to use their guns to survive. Or at least survive until the building collapses on them and they all drown. John Lynch sends Steve Trevor, Deathstroke, Grifter, and Higgins to pick up the chopper and bring it back to save them all. Why is he sending the best muscle they have to get the helicopter?! Send Amanda Waller and Kurt Lance! They can't do shit! At least he's keeping Black Canary so she can scream at everything and cause the building to collapse even faster.

Commencing Stratagem "Shoot Lots of Bullets Until We Win"!

The plan doesn't work very well because it doesn't have enough holes in it. Unless that saying is different somehow. But I can't see how it is different since the entire point of the plan is to put a lot of holes in Kaizen Gamorra. The magic from Pandora's Box easily deflects the bullets and leaves Team 7 in the situation they always find themselves. You remember the one? The one where their guns don't help them and they have to resort to Plan B: Twiddle Our Thumbs Until Something Else Saves Us?

SAVED BY LOOOOOOOOVE!

Majestic returns from the ocean although I thought he was just going to nap down there for five or six years until he one day decided to come back as Jericho's puppet. I guess he's still got some work to do before his siesta.

Slade Wilson has a theory that John Lynch's monkeys have altered their genes so now none of them are really human. I want a comic book that stars John Lynch's Monkey Gene Manipulators! Is that too much to ask? I know DC is listening to the things I want. I'm like their perfect target audience! A person who thinks Aquaman would be a better super hero if he got a hobby and concentrated on that (but not writing! Because then he would be Grunion Guy and lawyers would have to get involved!) and The Goddamned Batman is Goddamned A-MAY-ZING. I'm also their target demographic because I hate everything that Scott Lobdell writes but I still buy it anyway. STOP DOING THAT, PEOPLE! I only do it because I'm the Jesus Christ of Comic Book Reading! I suffer so you don't have to!

Majestic returns to finish off the Kaizen and pick up Pandora's Box. Apparently the Box only falls for strong people because it's a shallow piece of shit that knows what it likes. So how can I fault it for being shallow if it's only doing what it truly wants to do? This is a conundrum of the sort not seen since that one that goes, "Can God make a rock so heavy that he can exist?"

Everybody tries to convince Majestic not to open Pandora's Skull but fuck them, they aren't all powerful! Majestic can do whatever he wants! Majestic don't give a fuck. He even punches Kurt right in the face, killing him.

No, wait. That can't be right. Kurt has to be alive so Dinah can kill him later. Plus he still needs to father a child with Amanda.

Why does Majestic call Kurt Black Canary's husband? When did they get married?! In his Narration Box retelling of the story, John Lynch has been calling her Dinah Drake. Maybe Majestic can see the future. Or he was making an elementary school joke about how much Black Canary must love Kurt for sticking up for him.

To keep Majestic from opening Pandora's Box (because they all truly believe that Pandora's Box is a real thing and that it somehow still has a bunch of shit in it even though Pandora already opened it and all that's left inside it is hope so who the fuck cares if Majestic opens it! Oh, maybe because Hope will escape and then mankind won't have any hope and everyone will kill themselves?), John Lynch remembers how they were saved by Love earlier against Kaizen. So they all hold hands and Black Canary sings, "All You Need Is Love", right into Majestic's face! It's too much for him to stand! It's also too much for anything to stand. The Palace is completely destroyed and Team 7 is left lying in the rubble with Pandora's Skull.

Majestic and Kurt have disappeared and John Lynch goes nuts, deciding it's his turn to get Pandora's Skull. But Waller kicks him in the face and knocks the Skull back in its Box and gives it to Dinah who take it aboard Trevor's helicopter where Trevor invents a place called The Black Room to keep it safe. And then Amanda Waller shoots John Lynch in the head and retires from secret government organizations forever.

And that's the end of Team 7 for now! Amanda and mortally wounded John Lynch (although he recovers at some point so maybe not so mortally wounded) are left stranded on the remnants of Gamorra. I bet Amanda eventually finds Kurt Lance and the begin the baby making process. I think that has to do with getting coffee or holding hands or something. Majestic probably remains napping under the ocean until Deathstroke #19. And the rest of Team 7 heads home. Maybe on the way, Grifter pushes Trevor out of the helicopter and he lands on Themyscira. And Dinah Drake decides to finally change her last name to Lance to honor her husband whose head she didn't blow off but she still thinks she killed. They weren't married for very long, poor kids.

Team 7 #8 Rating: +1 Ranking. I'm throwing it a bone because it's done and it tells a piece of the origin of Pandora's Skull. At least the origin for how it ended up in A.R.G.U.S.'s Black Room.

Team 7 #7

This may be the dumbest fold-out cover so far. It might be acceptable if Pandora were on the first page and maybe if it said, "Team 7 & Pandora against the rage of Majestic." Maybe.

The big shocker last issue was when Ramos died. Ramos. You know? RAMOS. The pilot? R. A. M. O. S. RAMOS! Sheesh. Maybe you'd remember when Alex Fairchild was killed by his daughter, Caitlin? I wish I had more deaths to point out but that was it. Also, Bronson was transformed into Majestic by the cyber creature Spartan.

The way this issue begins, it proves that I completely didn't understand the previous issue. I thought Spartan was something Team 7's prosthetic research lab had created which got out of control. Maybe that's what happened but maybe not. It seems Gamorra was somehow behind it and Spartan was supposed to target Bronson. But if Gamorra was behind it, why did it activate Bronson's meta-gene and turn him into Majestic when Majestic's first act after the transformation was to destroy Gamorra (as seen in the double splash page on pages 2 and 3 of this issue).

Perhaps Kaizen Gamorra wanted to be attacked by Majestic so he could defeat Majestic and prove himself King of the World?

Or was Spartan the thing created by Lynch to give super powers to all of Team 7? I wonder if I would be following this comic more closely if I was more interested in it? How can I not be completely interested in a team that flies into battle in a giant pink slipper?

The new alive pilot is Steve Trevor.

I guess Team 7 has run out of time on the comic book store shelves, so they decided to shut down Kaizen Gamorra by Issue Seven instead of allowing the island to be the main threat throughout the comic book's run. Plus Lynch states this is the last time Team 7 operated on a unit. Ewww. Oh, wait. Operated "as" a unit.

No, wait wait. I guess he is talking about penises. I think.

The Gamorran soldiers are called Basilisks? So is Basilisk over in Suicide Squad related to Gamorra? Is that why they were supposed to be such a big deal? DC was really trying to give the Wildstorm Universe a chance to shine by making the Daemonites and Basilisk huge threats. Too bad none of the stories they've been in were interesting or well written.

Next Lynch begins discussing fucking puppies and I begin to realize why Team 7 is so horrible. Their leader is an insane zoophile who can't stop referencing penises in his after action battle reports. While Lynch is waxing philosophic about Brazilian waxing kittens, everybody but Dinah Drake is wounded. So Dinah screams in frustration and learns that Bronson wasn't the only person who had a meta-gene activated.

This has got to be the worst depiction of Black Canary I've ever seen. It looks like she's dry heaving after breast enlargement surgery.

According to Lynch's after action reports, during a brief lull in his metaphors for erect penises, he mentions that Gamorra did activate Bronson's gene before Team 7 could even though Team 7 had been planning to do it all along. Why did Gamorra do it? Fuck if I know! I guess that thing about Kaizen Gamorra wanting to kill a God is a good enough excuse.

Eventually using Plan Shoot Everything in the Face and Keep Moving One Foot in Front of the Other, Team 7 reaches the inner sanctum of Kaizen Gamorra's palace where he keeps the bald headed little Oracle children. Hey, I think I remember these guys from a long time ago! These kids decide to show Team 7 a glimpse of the future. I bet it's an empty spot on the comic book shelf among the other comics that begin with "T".

The vision is the cover of this issue: Majestic and Team 7 battling Pandora. And then I realize why Kaizen Gamorra's three eyed skull at the beginning was so familiar. He has Pandora's Box and he seems to have the power to open it. And just as he's about to open it and cause who knows what the fuck to happen, Majestic flies into space, turns about, and speeds down into the Earth causing a massive tidal wave to roll towards the island of Gamorra.

Team 7 #7 Rating: No change. I guess Team 7 has one more issue left? That's my guess anyway. It never held my interest much anyway. Too many characters I didn't care about because there was too little characterization. But most of all, too much Eclipso.

Team 7 #6

Was it so long ago I would have cheered this cover? Alas, poor Grifter. You sucked.

Last issue had the Deathstroke of the present working with the Lynch of the present who is supposed to be dead and who Deathstroke was just about to begin hunting at the end of Deathstroke #18. So I guess he found him at the beginning of Team 7 #5! Apparently Deathstork Deathstroke needs to kill some creature called Spartan to save the world. Or something. It's much harder to remember exactly what was happening when I don't really care about the characters in the comic book.

The issue begins in the past when Team 7 first encountered Spartan. The cyborg had taken over the facility it was created in. Since Caitlin Fairchild was apprenticing in the Cyborg Department of the Advanced Prosthetic Research Center, that meant she was trapped inside with the creature. And according to future Lynch, she winds up dead! And then probably cloned 13 times by her grief-stricken father.

Maybe. I might be getting ahead of myself.

As they're landing, Ramos the pilot develops a sudden and severe bowel problem.

It's possible I meant severed bowel problem.

I guess that's one member of Team 7 down! I don't think Ramos was important anyway. But since I don't know anything about the Wildstorm Universe unless it was written by Warren Ellis, I could be wrong. Perhaps she'll be okay later thanks to Project Majestic. Or maybe her body will be carted off to Project Ascension.

Apparently Ramos wasn't important because Waller declares her dead. Although! Waller is known for lying! So maybe Ramos IS important! Oh I'm so confused! At least Deathstroke predicts more of his team will be killed on this mission. That's a comforting thought. Although I don't think anybody else is expendable. Higgins might be Midnighter. Fairchild has to clone Caitlin. Deathstroke has his own title. Cole Cash used to have his own title. Amanda Waller runs the Suicide Squad. Dinah Lance is Black Canary. And Kurt Lance can't die until he has an affair with Amanda Waller and gets his penis butter in her chocolate eggs. So I don't think anybody else is allowed to be killed. Well, that blows all the tension!

Team 7 survives the crash because Ramos was the best pilot in the DC Universe! But when they exit the craft, they're set upon by a bunch of cyborgs chanting, "Caitlin, help me!" Team 7 executes Plan It's The Only Plan We Have and begins shooting everything that moves.

Eventually they encounter Caitlin and Alex runs in to hug her. Godammit! Hugging is not a part of Plan It's The Only Plan We Have! Shoot her! You were supposed to shoot her! Oh well. Now you're going to pay the price.

Okay. I guess I don't know my Gen 13 history very well! Two down!

It's okay! She doesn't kill any more of them because Deathstroke blows her head off. But she wasn't the Level Boss, so they have to keep shooting things.

Team 7 meets Dr. Henshaw who somehow kept his mind when Spartan assimilated all of the other workers at the facility. Although his body is a bit fucked up, being composed of office chairs and toilets and Commodore 64s. If he survives, I don't know how he's going to integrate back into society. Perhaps he can get a job at the Post Office.

Meanwhile, Bronson wasn't allowed to come on this mission because he didn't answer the phone when Waller called to tell him he needed to go on this mission. But Bronson was the one The Spartan really wanted to assimilate, so it left the research facility to attack Bronson while he's having dinner with his family.

Dinner with the uninvited guest doesn't go so well.

The Spartan transfers its "core" to Bronson, possessing him and activating his meta-gene. He turns into some flying superguy with blazing electric eyes. He's probably a Wildstorm guy, so somebody else can tell me who he became. Wildstorm's version of Superman? The one that isn't Apollo, I mean.

Team 7 #6 Rating: No change. This was a quick read but it was better than the last couple of issues. I guess I simply enjoyed seeing a good portion of the team killed. But what about Caitlin Fairchild? What's going to happen there? I guess clones! Maybe she was the person inside Clone Tube #1 with Superboy? I doubt it though. I think the first clone was a failure, got tossed in the Dumpster out back, and crawled off to live a life of super villainy.

Team 7 #5

Here we go again! Got a problem? Shoot it in the face! Problem solved!

Spartan has a couple of pouches on his belt, so I'm guessing he's from the Wildstorm Universe. I'm also guessing that the guy with the pouches on his belt is Spartan! I don't know who the red head is. Maybe it's Barbara Gordon's mother? Whoever it is, my guess is she's part of Team 7's second mission!

The issue begins by informing the reader that the location of the story is The Pacific and the time it takes place is Now. But what does it mean by now? Does that mean concurrent with the other New 52 stories that came out this week? Or does that mean five or more years ago when Team 7 began? These out of time stories are confusing. Since the next page shows Deathstroke infiltrating the ship flying over the Pacific, my guess is that this story actually takes place now. Problem solved and I didn't have to shoot it in the face!

Deathstroke shoots a bunch of problems and then encounters John Lynch who decides they should talk about the past! But the flashback sequence doesn't have either of them in it, so I don't know why they're reminiscing about it. Perhaps it's because Caitlin Fairchild as a teenager is in it and she's working on cybernetics for Team 7. Perhaps they both had illegal crushes on her. Unless she was eighteen. I bet she was eighteen since five years later she'd be twenty three and that seems about the right age for the young Ravagers to think of her as an old person.

Also in their flashback is Dr. Henshaw working on some guy they call Spartan. He seems to be a robot but I don't know where he came from. They don't seem to completely understand how he works, so I don't think they created him. And everybody keeps dropping Dr. Stone's name as well. Maybe Spartan is a Cyborg prototype.

Slade and Alex Fairchild have a bit of an intimate chat over beer. Nobody gets shot. Then Black Canary confronts John Lynch about what the fuck he means to do with Team 7 besides get them killed.

This is his answer. Stop jerks from using kids that can mutilate other kids as weapons.

So John Lynch began Team 7 because he was afraid of people with super powers. No wait! That's not true! He began Team 1 because he was afraid of people with super powers! But I guess everyone in Team 1 died just like Black Canary is afraid is going to happen to her and her teammates. She has a right to be worried though, right?! They are Team 7! Lynch has managed to kill six other whole teams! But what Black Canary is really worried about is that Lynch has begun experimenting on the members of Team 7 in Project Majestic. He's changing them and giving them super powers so that they can effectively combat super powered threats. That's probably a good idea seeing as how they only had bullets on their first mission and those weren't very effective.

The last part of their memory was about Caitlin Fairchild walking in on the cybernetic lab to find that it was changing everyone into cyborgs. Or Spartan was changing everyone into cyborgs. Something was changing everything into cyborgs, anyway! Since the cover declares Spartan was attacking, my guess is he's the one changing everybody.

And then it's back to the present where Deathstroke tries to solve his John Lynch problem the only way members of Team 7 know how! Remember? We've been over this a few times already!

Did Caitlin die? Is the current Caitlin Fairchild a clone? Is that what the Gen 13 project was all about? Clones? Seriously. I don't know! I never read Gen 13!

Whatever happened long ago, whatever possibly killed Caitlin, also killed an entire country, according to Lynch. I don't know what country. Probably Markovia or some other made up DC country. But whatever did it (Spartan, probably!), it's coming back and Lynch needs Deathstroke to help stop it. So I guess next issue will tackle Slade killing it in the present and Team 7 getting their asses kicked by it in the past.

Team 7 #5 Rating: -1 Ranking. I just found this entire issue rather boring. I think I lost interest in Team 7 three issues ago!

Team 7 #4

Comic books use the term "unleashed" way too often. Especially since I've never seen a leash on anyone. Not even Titus. Or Krypto. Or G'nort.

Eclipso is supposed to be some powerful manifestation of an ancient God of some sort, so his appearance should create an air of serious tension. How will Team 7 stop him? Will he take over the entire world? He's a God! Even Batman can't stop him (hyperbole). But whenever I see Eclipso, all I can think about is one of DC's biggest gaffs in the history of their storytelling! I know I've mentioned this before but it bears repeating. Eclipso can be driven out of the body he's possessing by sunlight. So in Eclipso's big summer crossover event back in the early nineties, he had his base on the dark side of the moon. Of course, there is no dark side of the moon. It's simply the term for the side of the moon that constantly faces away from the Earth (incidentally, the side we NEVER see due to the moon's rotation (yes, it rotates. If it didn't, we'd see every side of it) being such that it constantly faces the Earth with the same exact face). Which obviously means that every side of the moon, at some point, faces the sun and is thus not totally dark. Which means the Eclipso crossover would have ended almost as soon as it began. Good job, DC!

But it's not fair to hold that against this Eclipso! This is the rebooted Eclipso that is probably smarter than to establish his base on the moon! Perhaps he'll take over Supergirl's underwater sanctuary since that's a stupid place for her to have a base since she needs the sun to give her power! They should make a tradesie.

Currently in Team 7, Slade Wilson has been possessed by Eclipso and is ready to septimate his Team. The only problem with that is I know Kurt Lance doesn't die. Nor does Grifter. Nor does Amanda Waller. Nor does Slade Wilson (although he wouldn't kill himself. I don't think. Eclipso is kind of a weird guy). Also I still can't get past the notion that there are only seven people on the team when there are ten! So I should have just said decimate!

The little white haired girl (not Essence! The native girl!) was also stolen by the smoke monsters and everyone should remember her because I'm pretty sure she's going to end up being Rose Wilson.

The issue begins with Team 7's guns being ineffective against Eclipso Slade Wilson. And since shooting things is really their only plan, they have to retreat while Essence pelts Eclipso with ink blots.

I think Team 7 needs to stick to fighting things that aren't immune to bullets.

It's a good thing Essence met up with them on the island because Team 7 would be dead right now. Fairchild already shot the Black Diamond and it didn't break. I'm pretty sure that was their only plan. So it's time to retreat and let the people with super powers take care of Eclipso. Which is kind of sad because Team 7 is supposed to be policing super powered people and keeping them in line. It looks like they're going to need to invent new weapons after this. Bullets are no better than pointed sticks in this new era of wonders.

But Cole Cash doesn't believe guns are useless! He just has to believe strongly enough and they'll save the day! He believes that if everybody carried a gun, nobody would ever die! It's the only solution to gun violence and it will make everyone immortal! It'll be like one gigantic Mexican Standoff! Except the crazy person always shoots first because he doesn't give a shit about living or dying. So that's kind of a fault in the everyone should have guns plan. And violence against women goes really fucking badly when her partner has a gun handy. But Cole Cash is a responsible gun owner! He only shoots at any random fucking thing that he imagines is threatening his life. So what could be wrong with that? Anyway, Cole has a plan!

You know, speaking about more guns making people safer, how come nobody came forward saying that Trayvon Martin should have had a gun to protect himself? After all, he was the one approached, confronted, and then killed by some random stranger. How does that become self-defense when the killer instigated the entire encounter? That sounds more like looking for an excuse to shoot someone with your legal-to-carry gun.

Since Essence was turned into a sword by Eclipso, I guess it's up to Grifter to defeat Eclipso! And Grifter has the upper hand here because Eclipso put his Black Diamond in his pouch! Fuck yeah! Grifter knows mother fucking pouches! He knows makes and models and how many can comfortably fit across a belt and a shoulder holster and a rugged yet light vest. He knows the makers of the best pouches to keep bullets in. He knows how to maximize the space on a person's body to fill it with pouches so he always has a billion rounds of ammunition. And he knows exactly how to make a person explode so that the pouch at their side becomes unattached from the belt!

"No! My snuff!"

The smoke monster island ghosts delay Eclipso long enough for Cole and Essence to get back to Team 7 and explain the new plan. Essence pulls a sword out of a wall and tells Team 7 it is a magic sword that can hurt Eclipso (and maybe kill Slade. But no risk, no unpossessed teammate, amirite?). If I were Team 7, I'd ask Essence if she could turn the sword into bullets because Slade Wilson is their sword guy and he's kind of busy at the moment. Apparently Amanda Waller is their back up sword fighter because Essence gives the sword to her and tells her to buck the fuck up and kill children if necessary because Amanda and Dinah seem to have a problem with killing one thousand children if it means saving the world. I mean, if it were the ONLY way to save the world, I could probably do it. Or if there were another way to save the world but I'd have to walk a few miles to get there and the children were right next to me, I'd probably kill the children.

Now that they have their new plan, Eclipso barges in looking for his pouch. And Team 7 does the only thing they know how to do.

"You have to have faith in the bullets, Kurt! BELIEVE IN THE BULLETS! BELIEVE!"

I guess Essence didn't actually pick Amanda to wield the sword since Fairchild is the one that sneaks up on Eclipso Slade Wilson and stabs him in the back. I guess Essence just meant "you guys." My mistake!

So Fairchild stabs Slade and Eclipso leaks out of Slade's mouth in a big black cloud. Cole flashes the Black Diamond and Eclipso is once again bound up in his prison. Time to take the Black Diamond back to John Lynch so he can sell it to ARGUS (unless Lynch is working with ARGUS? Does ARGUS exist yet?) and they can shove it under a tarp in the Black Room. Perhaps Team 7 becomes ARGUS or is part of ARGUS in the way that the Black Razors and the Blackhawks were merged into some kind of fuzzy unit.

The issue ends with Lynch asking Slade if he wants to take part in Project Majestic. I guess that's what turns him into the super soldier he becomes.

Team 7 #4 Rating: No change. I'm sorry to see that the white haired girl never made another appearance in this issue. Perhaps she heard Team 7 say "Slade Wilson" a number of times so she just ends up taking the name Wilson when she's found by N.O.W.H.E.R.E. in later years. The rest of the comic book was filled with a lot of ineffective gunfire because that's the only solution Team 7 knows and applies it to every problem. Even when they already know the solution doesn't work for that particular problem. I guess if bullets can't solve the problem, they can at least provide a distraction until the real solution presents itself.

Team 7 #3

Forget the fucking picture! There's a guy named "Jimbo" at DC?

Last issue Eclipso was eclipsing people or some such nonsense. I remember a lot of words and very few bullets. Who wants to read words? Not me! Words are for girls! Or boys. It's hard to tell since most words aren't pink or blue so how am I supposed to know which gender enjoys them more? They're mostly black. So are words emo? Fucking words are definitely depressing. Nobody likes to read them. And they're bossy as all get out. Telling me what they say. I'll fucking decide what you say, words! You'll do what I want you to do!

Boy, I hope this issue doesn't have many words. Or Girl.

Oh no! Right off the bat, Slade Wilson is writing (or dictating?) into his War Journal! But this is before he became Deathstroke and he decided to start numbering his entries.

Once Team 7 lands their rubber raft deeper into the island, they climb up a wall of Black Diamonds to arrive at a village that has been completely slaughtered. The people that slaughtered them are still there. But they've been slaughtered too! The mercenaries have Basilisk tattoos and were probably searching to free Eclipso so that Gamorra could use Eclipso's power to enslave the themselves! I mean, enslave the world! Kaizen Gamorra probably doesn't know how Eclipso works since this is a Reboot. He probably thinks he can harness the power of the Black Diamond. He might as well put a starfish on his face and say he's controlling Starro.

They find one villager alive that they can't understand. But then Essence appears and she can translate!

No! Wait! She can...ugh. Idiots.

Luckily Essence is intangible. Hopefully Team 7 doesn't meet any enemies that are intangible. How will they defeat something if they can't shoot it? Essence tells them they need to stop The Others before they get to the Heart of the Island.

But the island has some defenses of its own.

Smoke Monsters!

The leader of the mercenaries realizes protection lies in the Black Diamonds the natives wear and stops the Smoke Monsters from destroying them. But the Smoke Monsters take the small native girl that was with them. They probably took her to Jacob's cabin for safe keeping.

Meanwhile, Essence explains the island to Team 7 and just gets herself deeper in trouble with ABC's lawyers.

Next Slade Wilson calls Cole Cash "Brother" and tells him he had a vision of his comic book being cancelled.

Back on Gamorra Island, their leader Kaizen sits on his throne and holds court with his Minority Report Pre-Cogs floating in their pool of future seeing liquid (and pee). I think the scene change was just to advance time on the island so the two groups can finally encounter one another just outside of the Heart of Hell. This is the parts where the bullets come in!

A bunch of Gamorrans get themselves shot in the face and the belly and other crucial body parts. There are so many body parts to be shot in and the Gamorrans make sure they get shot in every single one of them. Meanwhile, Team 7 make sure to not be shot at all. Not even in one single non-essential body part. Those guys are pretty smart! But they still have to retreat when the Gamorran leader sets off a bomb which blows Slade Wilson a few pages ahead.

This art is fucking shitty.

The rest of the team has no retreated and won't be seen again until they're needed next issue. Meanwhile, Slade Wilson appears again a few pages ahead to race the lead Gamorran to Eclipso's gem. Slade beats the merc there, so I guess his mission is successful in that he kept the Gamorrans from getting to Eclipso. But Slade picks up the gem himself.

I think this, technically, constitutes failure.

Team 7 #3 Rating: No change. Overall, the art in this issue looked like crap. That last page of Eclipso was the best looking thing in the book. I have a feeling one of the artists working on this issue drew that and the other one drew the other garbage. My guess is Jimbo drew Eclipso because I haven't ever seen his work before and Gopez drew the rest because I really haven't been impressed with his stuff yet. As for the story, well, it wasn't anything special. Team 7 meets Lost. Hmm, that makes it sound better than it actually was!

P.S. a few hours later because I forgot something:

Could this little white haired native girl be the future Rose Wilson? Slade mentions his life with Adeline and his sons but no Rose Wilson although she definitely exists as a late stage teen. This would fit if he adopted her since all the other natives have been killed.

Team Seven #2

What is this Black Diamond Probablity nonsense? Another crossover?! Is Team Seven crossing over with All Star Western somehow?

I'm afraid to read this comic because I was pleasantly surprised to have enjoyed the first two. And yet I know this type of comic book is walking a very thin line with me. As soon as they all start mouthing off with the stupid action hero one liners and shooting fifteen thousand bullets per page, I'll turn on this thing. It'll be like the clouds suddenly cleared away from the full moon and suddenly my teeth begin growing. My jaw snap and crack and push forward. Hair will begin to darken my body. I'll be all claws and yellow eyes and desperate needs to chase bunnies. And then it'll all fall apart. I'll start cussing and bitching and calling Justin Jordan a fucking hack. I'll call Gopez's mom a whore and imply that Scott Hanna has indecent relations with people's dead grandfathers.

I'm so concerned that my attitude will shift in an instant that I used a werewolf metaphor when I had a perfectly decent Eclipso simile half-staring me right in the face! Bah! If only there were a way I could turn back time and erase what I'd written so that I could rewrite it as an Eclipso parody! Oh well! Live and learn!

At the end of last issue, Team Seven was being overrun by a bunch of Eclipsed inmates aboard Facility 9, a floating prison for super powered people. I suspect this comic will begin with a lot of shooting.

How do you identify a Hipster? By his need to call out everyone else as a Hipster. Therefore, Alex Fairchild is a hipster since I have absolutely no clue why he's calling them "zombie hipsters."

By the second page, Team Seven has said, "We only have so many bullets," twice. I think they only have so many words as well! Is Team Seven already falling apart? Do I need begin thinking of unique ways to hate this book? Hipster zombies? Repeating lines? A bunch of team members whose names I can't remember?!

What I like so far about the team is they all have slightly different personalities. I'm hoping the gulf between their identities widens as they all get more time to act. But right now, I know Alex is the hipster! And Kurt is the douche bag! And Amanda is the calm and collected know it all. And Cole Cash is the gung-ho action oriented dick in the handkerchief. And Dinah Drake is the sexy one. And Bronson is the one that can do everything that everyone else can't do and also everything that everyone else can do as well. Are those personalities different enough? Did I miss anyone? Oh! Deathstroke is the guy who feels a "Your Momma" joke coming on!

The Sexy One and The Douche Bag.

Look at fucking Kurt Lance! His hair is all moussed up and he's wearing a kerchief. I thought he had a soul patch too last issue but it looks like that didn't make it into this issue. Perhaps he lost it in the fight with the Eclipsed. I have no fucking idea what Black Canary is doing in this panel. She's fucking photo-bombing Kurt, I guess. Whatever is happening, I laughed out loud when I saw her face.

Bronson knocks out a bunch of the Eclipsed by hitting them with other Eclipsed. Then he blasts his feet rockets in their faces as he blasts back to Team Seven. But he goes out of control and smashes through a wall behind them. Meanwhile, the rest of the team poses for the camera. Except for Grifter. He was too far in the foreground, the pompous jerk. Always playing the individual!

So much going on here! The implication that Alex Fairchild is bisexual. The Spider Jerusalem guy whose name I've forgotten. Amanda Waller with an eyeball coming out of her mouth. This comic book has everything!

The team's bullets won't last forever, so they look to Waller to come up with a plan other than running. The plan she comes up with is walking very, very fast. They need to get to the comms center so they can contact Ramos the crazy pilot and evacuate the shit out of themselves. Or evacuate the shit out of Facility 9. I don't what object that verb should act upon!

When the team gets to the comm room, they find that they can't call out. But they conveniently find some footage of the experiment that caused all hell to break loose! The people running Facility 9 allowed a researcher from Arkham Asylum to experiment on their prisoners with a serum called Variant 9. It seems to be composed of Black Diamond since it turns the prisoner into an Eclipsed. And that's the basic plot! Now they can stop standing around in big groups and begin breaking up into smaller groups to find a way out and shoot a lot of shit!

Well, maybe there's a little more time to speculate on what caused the riot!

Team Seven is crossing over with All Star Western thanks to Amanda's amazing knowledge of everything ever!

Even after this little more time, they have more time even to speculate on stuff! At first I couldn't believe I would ever be interested in a comic book where everyone is firing guns at everything every panel. Now I can't fucking wait for someone to kill something! Get on with it, Team Seven! I've go 90s comic rabies!

Because Amanda has all the puzzle pieces, she realizes that the floating prison is headed toward Gamorra. I just barely remember Gamorra being some kind of terrorist super powered run island or something from the pages of Stormwatch and/or The Authority. So the Eclipsed are now a bunch of weapons being delivered to an island run by a bunch of super pricks and super assholes.

Yay for Higgins Jerusalem! Let's start shooting things in the face!

Team Seven shoots their way through a bunch more of the Eclipsed until they find the Eclipsed master. He's invulnerable to their bullets so Deathstroke tries to kill him with his sword. Guess what? Yeah, that doesn't work either, dumb dumb! The master Eclipsed grabs Dinah and calls her "a little bird" which is foreshadowing, I think? Does she become a Bird of Prey?! But then to top off the nineties tussle, Bronson comes in swinging and saying the least imaginative line he can think of!

Seriously, Bronson? Here's one off the top of my head that would have at least fit the situation even though it's chock full of horrible green cheese goodness: "It's time to bring the wane!" Oh man. I can feel myself turning into a professional comic book writer as I type!

The doctor from Arkham is still normal since the Master Eclipsed was using him to make the serum even worse than it was. But instead of doing that, he was working on a device to flash light at the Eclipsed and turn them back to normal. While Team Seven battles the Master Eclipsed, the Arkham Doctor finishes his light device and saves the day. The Master Eclipsed is turned back and Team Seven kills him anyway. Fuck him. He deserved it!

But the Eclipso event doesn't end there! This is a major crossover event here! The big twist is dropped on the final page! This is the big twist that most reviewers won't spoil because they have "no spoiler" policies. But they'll tell you detail after detail of the first nineteen pages only to leave out this last page and pretend they didn't spoil anything. Comic book reviewers are dicks.

Hey! Look at me! Shitting all over my own kind! Mmm mmm good!

Fucking Eclipso. DC has spent so much time trying to make this guy one of the toughest villains in the DC Universe but the fucker can't even go out in the sun. Loser.

Team 7 #2 Rating: No change. I still like this comic but they already had a guest artist with issue two? And while Gopez's work was passable, it didn't knock my socks off. There were too many weird drawing moments and maybe a little more explication of plot than I would have liked for my 90s Reboot comic. We need more bad one-liners that are actually enjoyable and less one-liners like "Shut up!" or "I feel a 'Your Momma' joke coming on!" To be fair, that last one was in Deathstroke #14 but I needed another example. So even though this goes against everything I believe a good comic should be, I need to offer this advice for Team Seven #3: More Fucking Guns, Bitches!